Don't Tell Mum I Work on the Rigs, She Thinks I'm a Piano Player in a Whorehouse

by Paul Carter

A 'take no prisoners' approach to life has seen Paul Carter heading to some of the world's most remote, wild and dangerous places as a contractor in the oil business. Amazingly, he's survived (so far) to tell these stories from the edge of civilisation, and reason. Taking postings in some of the world's wildest and most remote regions, not to mention some of the roughest oil rigs on the planet, Paul has worked, gotten into trouble and been given serious talkings to in locations as far-flung as the North Sea, Middle East, Borneo and Tunisia, as exotic as Sumatera, Vietnam and Thailand, and as flat out dangerous as Columbia, Nigeria and Russia, with some of the maddest, baddest and strangest people you could ever hope not to meet.

Genres: Nonfiction, Biography, Memoir, Travel, Humor, Autobiography, Audiobook

204 pages, Paperback

First published August 1, 2005

About the author

Paul Carter was born in England in 1969. His father's military career had the family moving all over the world, re-locating every few years. Paul has lived, worked, gotten into trouble and been given a serious talking to in England, Scotland, Germany, France, Holland, Norway, Portugal, Tunisia, Australia, Nigeria, Russia, Singapore, Malaysia, Borneo, Columbia, Vietnam, Thailand, Papua New Guinea, Sumatra, the Philippines, Korea, Japan, China, USA and Saudi Arabia. Today he lives in Perth with his wife, baby daughter and two motorbikes.

Reviews

[loafingcactus · Rating 2 out of 5]

David Sederis would kill for this material, thought he'd probably be killed getting it which would mean no book. That would be unfortunate if Sederis was writing it. Carter, meanwhile, demonstrates that great material does not great writing make. Which is too bad, because there is some truly great material in here.

[Peter Derk · Rating 3 out of 5]

First, know what you're getting here. Not an indictment of the oil industry or anything like that. A series of amusing tales related to working on oil rigs in some pretty wild locations.

It's compulsively readable. Sort of like I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell except you don't get that feeling that the author is trying to explain how awesome he is at any point. There are shit stories, more than one story about a monkey (although if we're going to get picky, one story is about an orangutan, which is a great ape as opposed to a monkey, a distinction that is as stupid as it is pointless and only serves to cause people who like to prove how smart they are to correct their friends on something that does not need to be corrected. After all, how important is the exact taxonomy of an animal when the story is about how it threw feces on the glass at the zoo?)

It's interesting to me that this kind of entertainment is often called "juvenile." If you tell a story about crapping your pants, that story falls into the juvenile category just by nature of the fact that it's about pants-crapping. Which really makes no sense.

What makes a story about crapping one's pants as an adult funny is the fact that the person is an adult. If you wrote a book about your infant crapping himself on an airplane, who would be amused by that? I could see more literary tension from a book about an infant that DID NOT crap itself on a transatlantic flight. First it's no big deal, then there's concern about what's building up in there, and by hour 5 things have escalated to sheer panic at 30,000 feet, waiting for the bomb. That's some Hitchcock stuff right there.

Frankly, I think that shit stories are for grown-ups. I really do. You know what's for kids?

I was sitting at a bar reading this very book, and I overheard what must have been a first date happening next to me.

"So, are you a religious person?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, not like going to church and stuff. This is going to sound really crazy, but I think the Native American religions are the ones that speak to me the most."

"That doesn't sound crazy at all, actually."

I don't actually know that this was a first date, but I have my suspicions because that's the only reason I can imagine tolerating someone saying that they are into "Native American religions." Not that those are total bullshit or anything, for all I know, but isn't that like saying, "Oh, I believe in Asian religions"? Doesn't "Native American religion" encompass a wide range of beliefs that would be difficult to condense into a single vision? Isn't there probably a bigger difference between most of them than there is between Catholics and Christians? THEY PROBABLY DON'T EVEN HAVE THE SAME GUYS RUNNING SHIT! Not to mention that she sounded bored with her own answer, and then the subject was quickly dropped. So this line of talk got them exactly nowhere.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that this is what passes for ADULT conversation, even though I can't imagine that either of them was really enjoying this exchange.

Now, it takes a special person, but if someone on a date told me their most heinous shit story, I could almost guarantee that I'd be more into her than someone who explained to me the wise ways of non-specific non-mainstream religions. That's boring. I can read about that if I want to, and as I approach 30 I've become closed-minded enough to believe that if I'm really interested in something, I WILL investigate it.

On the other hand, nobody can just read a book about the time when I was 7 and crapped myself at the Grand Canyon. And I guarantee I can talk about that with far more interest and verve than I could any sort of philosophy.

I want to be entertained by other adults. I don't mean it's a Dance Monkey, Dance! kind of situation. Just that when talking to someone...

When meeting adults, they ask "So, what do you do?"

WHO GIVES A SHIT! THAT TELLS ME NOTHING ABOUT YOU! Tell me about the time you fell into a ditch while attempting to see some fireworks. Tell me about the time you embarrassed yourself at a wedding by accidentally collapsing a folding table. Tell me about the last terribly awkward social situation you were in. That's fun. Even if I don't end up being friends with you long term, at least we killed that 5 minutes with fun instead of explaining what an accounting assistant does at Stucco Rite inc.

It's a weird argument, I know. But in all honesty, I think it's more grown up to tell a story about peeing your pants than it is to explain how you modernized the spreadsheet as we all know it.

[Deb Omnivorous Reader · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was one hell of a lot of fun!

To put it simply it is the story, told in his own words, of a young man who started working on oil rigs when in his 20's and was/is still doing so in his thirties.

Now that sounds like it has the potential to be grim reading, it was the title that drew me to this book. Nothing with that title could lack humour surely?
In this (rare) case, judging a book by it's cover worked really well. The stories span rigs allover Asia, in Russia, Africa and the Middle East. The stories are often hilarious, occasionally scary and without exception fascinating.

The characters that Paul Carter has met around the world are vividly described and often as hilarious, scary and fascinating as the series of extraordinary adventures that this young man's life has consisted of.

Now, oil rigs right! I knew almost nothing about them before reading this - except for signing a lot of petitions to try and prevent more going up. I never gave much thought to the kind of people who worked on them, or how they operated. In the respect of the people working on them, this book was quite enlightening. While I can't honestly say I know all that much more about how the rigs work - there are diagrams if you feel you want them but the narrative does not really demand too much of you. The stories are more about the lifestyle than the job and really, that is ok by me. This book is great fun to read, it would be sad if the fun had been spoiled by the environmental reality around the rigs themselves. Though I did really appreciate the Epilogue in which the author gives us his perspective on the matter.

More than anything else this is a fun series of stories, told in matter of fact language (much like I imagine the author would tell them over a few beers, if you were lucky enough to go drinking with him), about travelling around the world. I love travel stories, and these are travel stories unlike any other ones I have ever read.

Lots of fun, I do recommend.

[Pat Morris-jones · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author and narrator was irritating and just seemed to be about fighting and macho activities. If you like this you'll love the book. Despite that,towards the end I began to warm to him. Also he is a good storyteller. Hence 3 stars. Otherwise for irritation I would have given him 5 out of 5

[Jennifer · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wasn’t expecting a literary work of art and I am clearly not the market for this book - but I read it anyway - but still the book left a nasty taste. I know the hyperbole is meant to make it more humorous, but I didn’t laugh.
Casual violence to animals, fucking the environment, seriously bashing up people, watching young Thai girls being trained to perform sex acts for sick men, throwing little people against walls in a bar and exploiting workers from developing countries. Yet he talks about being a Freemason as an organisation to defend morals which are traded for anything. Would that be like, I don’t know, making a profit from fossil fuels and fucking the environment and killing animals for fun and all the above?

[Oluwole Oke · Rating 1 out of 5]

I actually sampled the part that had to do with the author's experience working in Nigeria before deciding to read through the whole book, my reason for doing this was to be sure I was not wasting my time reading some twisted tales with no iota of truth in them and guess what? it was a smart decision I made.

I happen to work on the rigs in Nigeria and I can confirm based on my experience on rigs all over that
1) Not everyone has a gun in Nigeria; in fact you would need a valid license from the police to own a non-automatic piece e.g. shot guns.
2) No one builds houses in Nigeria using empty cartons and tins like the author insinuated, in the same Port-Harcourt where the author uses as the environment where he worked, the least house you can find there is still built using bricks so I don't get which dimension Paul must have been looking through to see such houses.
3) He also mentioned that during the strike on the rig, the workers took over strategic places like radio room , well control etc. Bruv, what the hell do you mean by well control??? There's no place termed well control on a rig, it's either you are referring to the Koomey Unit, Remote Control Panel or the Driller's Control Panel so I assume this bloke hasn't even been on a rig before but concocts some tasty-sounding bollocks to shove down the throat of the generally naive public.
4)Finally I wonder how Paul Carter disembarked from a flight in Lagos and gets driven down to Port-Hacourt which is like 6hrs by road yet he mentions it trivially like Port Harcourt was close to Lagos. I also wonder why he wasn't taken to the rig by flight from Lagos but rather by road which no company ever does around here (i smell a shit load of bollocks on this one too!).

Anyway I guess a man's gotta get paid and the way Monsieur Carter does get paid is to write lies and publish them as a novel. Not even that he knows how to write though...he actually sucks at it...go on back to school mate and get your education maybe you would be able to write better than a kindergartner.

Cheers y'all.

[Sam Still Reading · Rating 4 out of 5]

My mother laughed uproariously throughout this book, then thrust it into my hands and said, ‘You must read this’. When she saw that I was planning to read it on the train, she was worried. ‘You might laugh too much’.

There are some hilarious points to this book, one of them involving a clever monkey and a key, others involving boyish hijinks on an oil rig. There are serious points too (such as what accidents can happen on a rig) but Carter makes this a light-hearted, fun read. Following the oil action around the world, he comes into contact with remote tribes, guns and what being stuck on a rig for a small period of time can do to you – such as becoming friends with spiders. He also experiences the traveller’s worst nightmare – dysentery at 30 000 feet. There are some serious points, such as the downside to relationships when you’re stuck in a remote area of the world and accidents in the Aussie Outback.

For those who are worried that the vagaries of oil rigging may be beyond their knowledge, Carter provides a helpful diagram and brief explanations – not that you need it, because the laughter is pouring out just like, dare I say it, an oil strike!

This is simple, fast read – perfect for standing out in a crowd because everyone will be wondering what on earth you’re laughing about.

[Forsyth T · Rating 3 out of 5]

A hilarious collection of stories you'd want to hear told in the pub. In fact reading it felt more like that than getting immersed in a book. Genuinely laugh out loud funny, I finished it in an afternoon. It's not subtle, cleverly written or a literary masterpiece. What it is though, is funny as fuck. You truly couldn't make up the stories he has to tell. Outrageous.

[Rulenneclarissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably the funniest read I've had all year. Including memes which tickle me exactly right.

[zespri · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was totally hilarious!! Wonderful holiday reading, I used it as a reward whilst shifting house!! Ok, clean another room - you get to read a chapter, pack a few boxes you get two chapters.....

Paul Carter works in the oil industry, and the book is like a succession of boy's own adventures, or the plot of a Cohen movie where the real becomes the bizarre, and I kept thinking 'did that really happen!"

Just one little taster - this apparently occurred in the jungle in Borneo.

"Nothing in the jungle follows the rules as we understand them. Dogs don't chase cats, cats don't chase mice, Monkeys don't ask for bananas, they want cigarettes. Ambu,for example, arrived at the workshop in the village once with two dogs in tow. One was a big shaggy dopey looking thing with a small scruffy multicoloured guy who walked under the bigger dog. I asked if they were his dogs. Ambu pointed at the the big one and said, 'She's Kuching....she my dog...The other one is Kuchings's dog....His name is Arnap.'

'Your dog has a dog?' I asked.

Ambu nodded. 'she bring him home one day.'"

Brilliant.

[Kristyh · Rating 1 out of 5]

No, no, this is really, really bad. I got through Chapter 1, the writing was terrible, but I thought "Oh well, it's not a literary masterpiece but I can put up with it for the sake of the story". I was slightly worried when I got to the story of the friend, the rosebush, the Chinese food and the dope - mmmm slightly juvenile and very unfunny. I started Chapter 2, aha, he is a rigger, at last we can get going. No, I got to the frying apricots instead of eggs, contemplated whether it was supposed to be funny or interesting, decided it was neither and gave up. My husband tells me that the stories of life in remote mining locations is very interesting when you get to them, but I am not prepared to find out.

[Marco Pavan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I need a new face because after reading this book I laughed mine off... I loved every single story Pauli shared in this book and i really liked the authenticity he used to describe the oddest scenarios. Simple but extremely effective, my favorite way of reading.

[Jo Berry ☀️ · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was drawn in by the book’s title, which I think is great, the book itself wasn’t so good. I was expecting a memoir of life aboard an oil rig, with camaraderie and high jinx, with time to build up characters and a sense of family, but it’s a rather chaotic story.

It’s mostly a series of anecdotes, set as much on land as it is on the rigs, as the author regularly moves from place to place as jobs come up. It could still have been a great travel book, but everything is so quickly dealt with it’s hard to keep track of who, what & where. The storytelling often felt a bit basic and immature and it also ended rather suddenly. Add to that, I looked at other reviews for this title and some people say the author’s stories are well known tales from off the rigs, so many of the events probably never happened to them at all. Perhaps take what you read here with a pinch of salt. It’s ok, but it’s a book probably best enjoyed by young men in their early twenties who don’t read much. I think that’s the audience.

The physical book does have a couple of simplified maps, a diagram of a rig, and a selection of photos of the author while he was off working abroad. However, I listened to the audiobook, read by the author himself, which was well narrated. I’d happily listen to him read other non-fiction titles if he made a career out of it.

[Lin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked up this book simply because it obviously has an awesome title.

Anyway. Since I was little I read more books than any kid probably should (I would go through approximately 5 per week... hey, I do live in a country where it rains a lot you know) and I always found that reading was an excellent way to go places without, you know, actually going places. This book took me places I most definately would never want to actually go to, even if it's just because, you know, I would actually like to keep all of my limbs. The author describes insanely dangerous and dangerously insane situations, and laces a bemused kind of humour through them that found me laughing out loud several times. It's a fun read, of a life that will most likely have absolutely nothing in common with your own (and how enlightening that is!). I know jack shit about the oil trade, and this book is not designed to teach you about all its ins and outs, but it doesn't matter.

The only negative thing here is that the book didn't seem to have much of an ending. It just sort of... stopped, but didn't seem finished or rounded off. After an enjoyable time reading it, that left me feeling a little unsatisfied.

[Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

A series of anecdotes, compulsively readable, very funny at times. The reader is just happy to learn about these faraway places and bizarre happenings from the safety of a book. All in all, many LOLs, and never a dull moment. Recommended.

Other reviewers have remarked that 'the author has a lot of material but could've done more with it'. Well, yes and no. The point of the book is not to be a travelogue but rather a glimpse at the author's experiences in various places that most of us won't ever visit, either from lack of opportunity - Japan, let's say - or simply from plain common sense (Nigeria, anyone?) Also, by cutting to the chase and going from story to story, the audience remains involved and on its toes. Sure, some of the stories could have been stretched/padded, but maybe the result would have been a less engaging book.

[Mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has been in my to read list for a while but i cant remember why i added it. I think I heard a radio interview with the author but maybe the title just caught my attention.
This book is an easy read and mildly amusing. I'd recommend it more to men who don't read very often. Lots of fart and poop jokes and stories of getting drunk and into bar fights. Probably not my usual thing. My favorite part was the monkey who smoked a pack a day.
This memoir shares a lot about oil rigs and the cultures that the infiltrate. The author has visited so many countries and experiences them in a way that few others can. It's an often unthought of part of the oil industry when it's something we depends on so strongly.

[D · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't think I've read a book that's ever made me laugh, consistently, like this one did. I picked it up right before a trip and it was a quick and light read that set a nice mood after a couple months of constant serious/horror novels. I recommend this book where I work to everyone. It doesn't matter if you're someone who always likes reading mostly erotica, the bible, or bible erotica, this book is fair paced and will even pick up and brighten a dank atmosphere you may be occupying. Cant wait to find and read more of his books!

[John Weeks · Rating 2 out of 5]

A view from the other side: we're all trying to kick the oil habit, what about those who actually work in the industry? Slice of life tales, practically transcribed in a pub. (Not that that's a bad thing.)

[miaaa · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's been a while since I laughed so hard that I rolled on the floor -literally- and cried from reading a book.

The best part of being around the world, in my opinion, is that you meet like a lot of freaking awesome people to a total a**holes out there. In case you haven't realise it, ignorant fools existed in every society.

What I noticed about Pauli, like when he shared the 'mischiefs' of some Saturation divers did when they're bored during a job in Brunei -getting drunk, sneaking into the Mosque near the housing, exchanged the tape of the recorded Koran, sneaking out and changed all the padlocks with their own- he (Pauli not the divers) wasn't do it because he agrees with their conducts. He's simply telling that things like these happened.

With all respect to the muslim, I wonder what it would like to hear Johnny Cash's Burnin' Ring of Fire wailed from a mosque at 5 a.m. call to pray :D

****

Buku perjalanan/petualangan yang lucu. Membacanya cukup membuat tertawa terbahak-bahak walau di satu sisi sering juga merasa beberapa bagian sepertinya tidak perlu disertakan dalam buku ini.

Kritik terbesar Pauli ditujukan kepada ketamakan orang-orang 'besar' yang duduk di meja besar mereka, di ruangan berpendingin dan mewah, yang mungkin belum dan tidak pernah sama sekali berkunjung ke lokasi pengeboran, dan dengan seenaknya memutuskan logistik yang dibutuhkan para awak di lapangan.

[Stuart McArthur · Rating 1 out of 5]

Bullshit artist sprays everywhere for nasty laughs

Most of the time I felt like I was listening to a two-hour best man speech at a Bogan or redneck wedding. It was so tone deaf, self-serving, and nasty.

The funniest line was the title and it went downhill from there.

In one short burst there were cockfights, farting over Japanese children in an elevator, cleverly stabbing peoples’ feet with forks when they put tight shoes on then hiding the knife so they couldn’t cut their shoes off, dwarf-throwing into the “wrong wall”, incredulity at seeing a Vietnamese woman he thought he’d killed in the war, etc etc.

All for cheap laughs and all with him winning at other people’s expense. When he does pretend to balance the bully/victim equation, e.g. someone embarrassed him by glueing a cup to his helmet without him knowing, it’s just an opportunity for laughs at how he retaliated 10-fold with the forks and hidden knife so he wins again. I bet this guy idolises Trump.

And his epilogue advice about environmental issues and the impact fossil fuel burning is having on the earth is that it is what it is so it’s best to try not to think about it.

[Xandra · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book feels like a Saturday afternoon spent with friends. That is to say, a heck of a lot of fun. And if I wasn’t already reading it in an airport during a layover, I think I might have gotten a severe case of itchy feet, packed a backpack, and been on my way to the airport in no time. All this while dreaming about casually lighting a cigarette in my hiding place under the table after a gun fight in a bar in Manila.

Even though I wasn’t impressed by the writing and found it simplistic and unimaginative at first, the author’s adventures are so hilarious and the places he goes to and the people he meets so interesting and diverse that the writing ceases to be that important. Still, I can’t help but wish Bill Bryson was a freelance oil rigger.

[Pete · Rating 3 out of 5]

Don’t Tell Mum I Work on the Rigs, She Thinks I’m a Piano Player in a Whorehouse (2006) by Paul Carter is a book that is like listening to someone who has some great stories at a bar. Carter’s experiences as an oil driller all over the world are really something.
The world of drilling is highly paid dangerous work that is carried out all over the world. The drillers live an intense life. Alcohol abuse is rampant. Relationships are destroyed by constantly being away from home.
The book is something most people would find funny. But the humour will offend some. There is quite a lot of interest in the tales as well. The number of oilmen who are Freemasons is surprising.
The book is a very quick read and will provide most people with a few entertaining hours.

[Gavin Smith · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ok, so here's the thing: I grew up in Aberdeen. My dad worked for BP. Many of my friends' dads also worked offshore. Many of those friends work offshore now. And I have heard some of these stories before. Quite a few of them are regularly repeated offshore versions of urban legends. So, either Paul Carter is some kind of mythical source for offshore legends, or he's a little prone to exaggeration. Don't Tell Mum I Work on the Rigs... is still an entertaining read and it will kill a few hours on an airplane (or a toilet). I definitely giggled at least twice. Just remember to take everything with a fairly large pinch of salt.

[J · Rating 3 out of 5]

Entertaining stories about the oil industry from the perspective of a jackup rig worker, including Brunei, Nigeria, Russia, SEA, PNG and the North Sea. Quick read, and good explanation of day-rate freelancing and the centrality of Loyang Offshore Supply Base in Singapore to the start of oil contractors journey. His stints writing bad copy for an ad agency and studying marketing at UTS are reminiscent of Les Norton's efforts for Bowen Lager. Let down by a lack of self-reflection and needless cruelty to animals, particularly monkeys, chimps, etc. Will read the second regardless.

[Amar Pai · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Guns are as common a sight in Nigeria as mobile phones are in Los Angeles. In this respect the Nigerians put even the Americans to shame— but, no wait, guns don't kill people, people kill people right? Oscar de driva always had his mobile phone and his gun on him. I thought Nokia should develop a camera/gun, or a phone/gun, or even a gun/phone/camera. There would be massive sales in west Africa."

[Vasilia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rated three stars because there are some truly great stories in here. Despite those vivid and/or horrifying moments, was actually not that interesting. If Paul carter had written a book about the oil industry and the people who work there instead of an autobiography, I think this would have been killer. His life stories actually seemed to get in the way - except for that awful one about his friend Craig which I will never in my whole life forget. Was dry retching along the m4 listening to it.

[Holly Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely hilarious!
So many moments throughout that were truly scary, gruesome, funny, and sad.
I couldn't get enough of this book!!!

[Jerms O'Flynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Got a solid laugh out of this one. Alcohol and danger-fuelled mayhem is one way to describe it.

[Bradley McCann · Rating 3 out of 5]

The writing is pretty average, but the anecdotes are great.

[Edwin Setiadi · Rating 5 out of 5]

A hilarious book about life at oilfields

This is a hilarious autobiography of this bloke with an endearing nickname Pauli, who works at the rigs but with more stories about his drunken adventures and shenanigans off-site than his professional endeavors.

Yes, the content of the book is exactly what you would imagine from its title. It is a raw (very raw) account of how crazy life can get when you work at various different oilfields around the world.

The beauty of working at a rig is that you get to have intermittent long breaks in between intense work. Hence, the abundance of epic stories from our guy Paul Carter. During his off seasons, he went to Thailand to participate in Songkran, watched a cockfight in Manila (with chicken "looked a bit like Tina Turner"), went to Tunisia for a month and come back broke but with loads of polaroid and drunken stories, somehow ended up joining the Freemason's, or partying at a bar served exclusively by midgets.

Or that time he acquired a pet monkey in Brunei by exchanging it with company cap and t-shirt and taught it to love beer, cigarette, and speed metal music; but then it learned to masturbate 10x a day and caused all sorts of chaos when it hit monkey puberty. Or that time when he went to a pub in a deserted Western Australian town to have a beer and ended up carrying his mate to an ER with a disfigured face after being caught in a brawl.

Yes, trouble seems to follow him wherever he goes, like being chased by 2 cobras in Borneo, got arrested in Vietnam, chipping a tooth in a crowded Jeep transportation in Philippines, caught dysentery in Papua New Guinea, got surrounded by dangerous thugs who all hitting his car in Nigeria, caught in a house fire (also in Nigeria), witnessed a murder (still in Nigeria), got into a car chase with the police in China, experienced several earthquake seemingly wherever he went, and typhoons, getting caught in the middle of a gun fight, got hit by a car while riding a bike in Sydney, or went to Japan for a clean and civilized project for a change but ended up having a pervert guide who buys a soiled underpant (and a dirty love letter) from a vending machine.

And then, of course, there's the on-the-job tales. The accidents, the natural disasters, the treat of local uprising, and the way these professionals handle them are a sight to be seen. The most bizarre experience that he told was probably the one from when he ended up working in Yuzhno Russia, a place with temperature as low as minus 60 degree Celsius and the highest crime rate in the entire Russian Federation, and his 2nd gig at another remote area in Russia where he got to stay at a former asylum building (a nut house, if you will).

Finishing this book is like going back home from an epic party, with Pauli at the center of a room telling his war stories where he seems to always have shit going on in his life. Good stuff. So goddamn entertaining.

Anyway, here are some random quotable gems from the book:

- I’m a cat-loving pacifist who ought to care deeply about the environment. On the other hand, I represent people who would squeeze schoolchildren to death if they thought some oil would come out.
- I firmly believe that when politicians aren’t kissing babies they’re stealing their lollipops.
- Your dog has a dog?
- It was early afternoon so there were only four hallpack truck drivers shooting pool inside. They were all Maori; two of them had tribal tattoos covering one side of their face. All stood over six feet and looked like they’d been genetically engineered to crush small buildings.
- A wise man once said, ‘The road to hell is paved with lawyers and accountants.’
- Ambu collected his money, then announced, ‘You want to see the scorpion kill itself?’ We were all mesmerised by then. ‘Yeah sure Ambu.’ So he lit a small fire under the lid and tossed another scorpion in. As the heat slowly started cooking the poor thing alive, it could no longer alternate legs to stand on, and speared itself in the belly, dying instantly. I had no idea there was a creature that given no choice would kill itself.
- The first time an attack happened I thought, all these guys with guns is a bit much isn’t it? Like using mercenaries to discipline naughty schoolchildren or hiring Jamie Oliver to help Pol Pot eat people in Cambodia.
- ‘Gentlemen, I’ll be needing a stool sample from each of you please.’ ‘There’s some on my foot,’ said Jack. ‘There’s some of yours on my foot too,’ I said.
- On arrival in Lagos, after going through customs and immigration, I was to look for my driver; he would be wearing green company coveralls and holding up a sign with my name on it. I would approach and speak this sentence and only this sentence, ‘It’s hot here, just like Australia.’ The driver, upon hearing that, was to answer, ‘Just as hot, but no kangaroos.’ If he didn’t say that, it meant that he had murdered the real driver, stolen the company car and was planning to drive me out of town, put two in the back of my head and make off with my stuff.
- Then just behind the front row of the crowd I saw the sign ‘Mr Pauli’. Practising my line under my breath, I walked up to the fit-looking man in green coveralls who bore the sign and said in a loud confident voice, ‘It’s hot here, just like Australia.’ He gave me a blank look, then flashed a huge benttoothed grin and said, ‘I am de driva.’ Cocksucker, I thought, what do I do now? Leaning in, with lots of eye contact, I repeated, ‘IT’S HOT HERE, JUST LIKE AUSTRALIA.’ ‘Oh yes sa, BUT NO HOT KANGAROOS.’ Close enough. ‘I am Oscar de driva.’ ‘How do you do Oscar, now get me fuckin’ out of here.’ ‘Very good Mr Pauli follow me, I have caa with air-condishanings.’
- I thought Nokia should develop a camera/gun, or a phone/gun, or even a gun/phone/camera … there would be massive sales in West Africa.
- Darkness is your friend in dodgy remote Chinese ports where a tall bald white man in a Mambo T-shirt tends to stick out like chairman Mao at the MTV music awards.
- I ended up in an aisle seat next to an elderly Chinese gentleman, who must have been ninety and looked like he had built the whole wall himself.
- Colin [a dog] became the rig mascot and soon was embarking (no pun intended) on a cruise out to a quiet part of the South China Sea, hundreds of nautical miles from any major shipping lanes, where he was going to listen to his Van Halen CDs, drink out of the toilet, hump the furniture and not get eaten by the welder.
- He would run to accomplish a task with the kind of urgency that left you wondering if he would get severely beaten or have a finger cut off if he was too slow.
- I stopped giving him shit not too long after meeting him as I discovered that Eddie was a ‘kendo’ champion and could kill me with his big toe.
- Someone had written something in ballpoint pen under the picture of a man demonstrating the crash position: ‘In the event of an emergency landing do not attempt to suck your own penis.’
- Our contact was nice, but he looked like he was on the local wife-beating team.
- It doesn’t matter where you go in the world, the two things you’re guaranteed to see are Coca Cola and the AK-47.
- The characters you meet in the oilfield are unbelievable—from full-on rocket scientists with multiple Ivy League degrees and a keen interest in painting to-scale miniature sixteenth-century military figurines on their bunks, to Billy-Bob the brain-dead redneck ex-con whose misspelt jailhouse tatts, fart jokes and new truck back home are all he can talk about.
- He focused, grabbed my collar and in a clear white moment said, ‘If I get shot, you have to call my brother and tell him there’s ten grand buried in a coffee can in his front lawn.’
- ‘You buried ten grand in your brother’s front lawn?’ ‘Fuck no, but he’s a prick and it would have served him right.’