Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart

by Alan D. Wolfelt (Creator)

"Explaining the important difference between grief and mourning, this book explores every mourner's need to acknowledge death and embrace the pain of loss. Also explored are the many factors that make each person's grief unique and the many normal thoughts and feelings mourners might have. Questions of spirituality and religion are addressed as well. The rights of mourners to be compassionate with themselves, to lean on others for help, and to trust in their ability to heal are upheld. Journaling sections encourage mourners to articulate their unique thoughts and feelings. "

Genres: Grief, Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Reference, Spirituality

164 pages, Paperback

First published July 1, 1992

Reviews

[Lisa J Shultz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me to know that I wasn't going crazy. Grief is complex and can sometimes make me feel off balance. I particularly appreciated the chapter on dispelling misconceptions about grief in Touchstone 2. The whole book is worth a read and I felt better upon finishing it. I still have grief but I feel reassured that I am also on a healing path.

[Sean · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a beautiful book. Very relevant and useful in teaching about grief. This has application whether we are grieving the loss of a person, or the loss of dreams, hopes and expectations, or a even a loss of a former way of understanding the world. I recommend this book to all who have ever experienced such a loss. Here is my brief summary of the 10 touchstones.

Touchstone 1: Open to the presence of your loss… We must honor our pain and accept it as real and needful in order to gradually move towards healing. (Best to do this in small doses.) Denying or suppressing your pain only makes it worse.

Touchstone 2: Dispel the misconceptions about grief… There are many misconceptions. But essentially, grieving is good, not bad. Others may want you to keep it to yourself or to pull you through your grieving too quickly because they are uncomfortable with it. There is no timetable for grieving. Also, there is a difference between the experiences of mourning (public) and grieving (individual). But grieving is also something to be shared with those who possess empathy.

Touchstone 3: Embrace the uniqueness of your grief… It is not reasonable to expect one person’s grief to match another’s grief. Circumstances are wide and various, and there are no rules.

Touchstone 4: Explore your feelings of loss… Use all these touchstones and all your experiences of grief to examine and come to understand how you truly feel. Then become friendly with your feelings and allow them to help you heal.

Touchstone 5: Recognize you are not crazy… You may feel completely out of whack and find yourself doing some very strange things. But this is all quite normal. Example: Borrowed tears can come out of nowhere. You might find yourself crying at a sappy commercial or the sight of a bird. You are crying because your heart is broken, and your soul is hurting, and the slightest thing may trigger deep emotions.

Touchstone 6: Understand the 6 needs (not stages) of mourning (not in any particular order)… Accept the reality of the death. Let yourself feel the pain of the loss. Remember the person who died. Develop a new self-identity. Search for meaning. Let others help you now and always.

Touchstone 7: Nurture yourself… The word bereaved means “to be torn apart and have special needs.” Perhaps your most important and special need right now is to be compassionate with yourself. The word compassion means “with passion.” Caring for and about yourself with passion is self-compassion. Remember to be kind to yourself, the same as you would be kind to a very dear friend.

Touchstone 8: Reach out for help… You need companionship from time to time and people who will walk beside you on your journey. Friends, therapists, and support groups all play an special role. Also, of all the people in your life: 1/3 will be truly empathetic and, let you be the expert of your feelings, and honor your experience; 1/3 will be neutral and neither help nor hinder your grief journey; and 1/3 will be harmful, perhaps not intentionally, through judging and giving you advice to try to take you away from your grief journey. Avoid the last 1/3 of these people.

Touchstone 9: Seek reconciliation not resolution… People do not "get over" grief. We are forever changed. With reconciliation comes a renewed sense of energy and confidence and a capacity to become reinvolved in the activities of living. What had been understood at the head level needs to be understood at the heart level. Which requires intentional mourning through expression (talking, painting, dancing, crying, singing, etc.). You must descend through your grief, not try to transcend above or around it.

Touchstone 10: Appreciate your transformation… Growth means change. This may include developing a richer perspective, obtaining a new balance, transforming your values and assumptions, and/or finding a deeper meaning to your life. Joy will come to you when you know in your heart that you are using your potential in your work, or in your free time, or in your relationships with friends and family. Grief provides a call for us to find and use that potential to make a positive impact.

[Mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful but nothing groundbreaking

[Randie D. Camp, M.S. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Helpful but some content in the book was frustrating to me.

[Gary Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title clearly sets out the theme and content of the book: that grief is unique to each person experiencing it, each time one experiences it. It dispels the myth of set stages of grief and instead identifies Ten Touchstones that are often common to these experiences.
One point I found helpful was differentiating grief from mourning – grief is the internal process and mourning is the public face of this internal process.
The book has an accompanying guide to journaling about the ideas presented in the text. Keeping a journal about ones grief is helpful, whether written down or spoken out loud. I found that journaling helped me clarify my experiences and feelings, and helped me clear the fog of my grief. The journal guide provided a few too many prompts on specific points for my taste, so I applied them in a more general way.
These books were part of a grief support group that I was experienced, and it was excellent in that context. Ideally, no one should have to experience grief on their own, but in those cases I think a text like this would be essential.

[Rosa M · Rating 4 out of 5]

My therapist recommended this book and I immediately read it because I'm trying to Win at Therapy, something that is both reasonable to want and possible to achieve. But seriously this was incredibly validating, the recurring refrain that j am NOT crazy, and that these are all elements of a normal, albeit exhausting and devastating experience, was very comforting. My main takeaway was that it's going to be ok, I will grow and heal and reconcile, I am not alone in my feelings and thoughts, this is not the end although it may feel like it at times.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's been helpful in validating some of the feelings I'm experiencing. I'm not going crazy. But ultimately I believe that talking about grief is much more helpful to me than reading about it.

[Candy Renee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a wealth of knowledge on grief and mourning.

[Birdie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read many books on grief. This one stands out. It resonated with me in such a way that I returned my library book and ordered a copy to keep. Alan Wolfelt writes in a warm and caring voice that soothes the weary soul and helps the reader understand so much more about grief. I am eager to get the workbook too.

[Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

My mother passed away this past Halloween, after living a full and beautiful life for 101 years. She was the center of my life, the most loving, selfless, giving beautiful person I have ever known. Dementia eroded her mind incrementally the last few years. I miss her so much it hurts. Alan D. Wolfelt's wonderful, compassionate book has been a balm for my pain, and I know it will sustain me as I go through the journey of grieving mourning and healing.

[Katrina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a helpful book

If you deny the emotions of your heart, you deny the essence of your life. Pg. 18

"Two roads diverged, and I took the one less traveled, that has made all the difference." As you journey through the wilderness of your grief, if you mourn openly and authentically, you will come to find a path that feels right for you, that is your path to healing. Beware others will try to pull you off this path. They will try to make you believe that the path you have chosen is wrong even "crazy,” and that their way is better. The reason that people try to pull you off the path is that they have internalized misconceptions about grief and mourning. The misconceptions deny you your right to hurt and authentically express your grief. They often cause unrealistic expectations about the grief experience. As you read about this touchstone, you may discover that you yourself have believed in some of the misconceptions and that some may be embraced by people around you. Pg. 21

While the outward expression of grief is a requirement for healing, overcoming society's powerful message (repress!) can be difficult.
"We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it in the full." Marcel Proust Pg.25

Mourners who express grief outwardly are often viewed as "weak," "crazy," or "self-pitying." The subtle message is "Shape up and get on with your life." The reality is disturbing: Far too many people view grief as something to be overcome rather than experienced. So if you demonstrate an absence of mourning behavior, it tends to be more socially acceptable. This collaborative pretense about mourning, however, does not meet your needs in grief. When your grief is ignored or minimized, you will feel further isolated in your journey. Ultimately, you will experience the onset of "going crazy syndrome. Masking or moving away from your grief creates anxiety, confusion and depression. If you receive little or no social recognition related to your pain, you will probably begin to fear that your thoughts and feelings are abnormal. Society will often encourage you to prematurely move away from your grief. You must continually remind yourself that leaning toward, not away from, the pain will facilitate the eventual healing. Pg.26

crying is nature's way of releasing internal tension in your body. Suppressing tears may actually increase your susceptibility to stress-related disorders. Crying is one of the excretory processes. Perhaps like sweating and exhaling, crying helps remove waste products from the body. The capacity to express tears appears to allow for genuine healing. Pg. 27

May my dark times teach me to help others on similar journeys. Pg.32

For healing to occur, social support must be ongoing. Pg.39


Whatever you loved most about the person who died is what you will now likely miss the most. And paradoxically, whatever you liked least about the person who died is what may now trouble you the most. If, for example, your father was a cold, uncaring person, after his death you may find yourself struggling even more with his apparent lack of love. You may have always wished you could change this aspect of his personality, and now that he is gone, you know with finality that you can't. Whatever your feelings are about the person who died, talk about them openly. The key is finding someone you can trust who will listen to you without judgement of you. Pg. 41

My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness. Pg.43

Have the courage to allow yourself to mourn.

You are the sum total of all that you have experienced in your life. Pg. 44

Non-death losses in your past may influence your grief journey. Divorce, job loss, financials, severed relationships all these can affect your worldview and your capacity to mourn. Pg.45

don't allow anyone to do for you what you want to do for yourself. Pg. 51

You may need to talk and cry for long periods of time. At other times, you may just need to be alone. Don't try to interpret what you think and feel. Just think and feel it. Sometimes when you talk you may not think you make sense. And you may not. But talking it out can still be self-clarifying, even if at an unconscious level. Talk to someone who will understand. I hope you have at least one person whom you feel understands and will not judge you. Pg.53

Just as physical wounds require attention, so do emotional wounds. Pg.63

self-care fortifies your grief journey, a journey which leaves you profoundly affected and deeply changed. Self-nurturing is about self-acceptance. When we recognize that self-care begins with ourselves, we no longer think of those around us as being responsible for our well-being. self-nurturing is about celebration, about taking time to enjoy the moment, to find hidden treasures every where, a child's smile, a beautiful sunrise, a flower in bloom, a friend's gentle touch. Grief teaches us the importance of living fully in the present, remembering our past, and embracing our future. Walt Whitman wrote, "I celebrate myself." In caring for yourself you are celebrating life as a human being who has been touched by grief and has come to recognize that the preciousness of life is an opportunity for celebration. Pg.102

“Thinking is the talking of the soul with itself”
-Plato pg.114

One of the fundamental truths of grief. Your journey will never truly end. People do not "get over" grief. Pg. 145

You don't return to a previous "inner balance" or "normal" but instead eventually achieve a new inner balance and a new normal. Yes, growth means a new inner balance. Loss provides an opportunity to take inventory of our lives, to reconsider priorities, and to determine new directions. Pg. 155

No matter how deep your grief or how anguished your soul, bereavement does not free you from your responsibility to live until you die. The gift of life is so precious and fragile. Choose life! Pg.159

[stellajames · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me tremendously when I lost my beautiful mom in 2017, and I still have it very close by me for when I feel the need. Grief is a strange, strange thing. It's different for everybody, and Wolfelt's book helps one see that grief is unique and how to live with it, no matter what form it takes. It covers death issues I never knew existed, and helped me through all one paragraph at a time, the way one has to take death of a loved one sometimes, moment by moment.
And each paragraph is important. I must have highlighted, annotated almost every sentence, molding it to the uniqueness of MY grief, the only grief I feel. There is a workbook, too. I didn't use it much because my pencil was always in the book itself, while others I know filled the workbook pages past margins.

[Judith · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent guide book through grief. My only criticism is the section in which it condemns those who smoke telling them to quit immediately. Having quit smoking myself, I know how challenging that is to do. I would not recommend doing that during the grief process.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

To me more of a head rather than heart approach to healing but
still a good book. I will keep it close by as it has good information.

[Soap! · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found the information in this book to be really obvious and repetitive. It's basically just "it's okay to have feelings, and you should talk about them" over and over and over and over and over. It's true, but basic.

I think the great strength of Kubler-Ross is that her books include specific and well-written anecdotes from a bunch of clients, which takes the grieving process from the abstract to the specific. This book was missing that. Everything was quite abstract. The writing style is giving listicle.

The book also seems to be synergistically promoting a ton of other brand tie-ins—it's not enough to have the book, you're supposed to also have the journal, and join a support group based on the method, and buy a bunch of tie-in books about grief in specific circumstances. I felt like I was being marketed to.

This book is also rather woo woo. For example, it talks about love languages (not a real thing). While it's marketed as a mainstream grief book, this will appeal most to Christians, due to the constant language of being in the wilderness, reconciliation, and "divine momentum/spark" or "the still small voice inside you" (a.k.a. the Holy Spirit). I was frustrated at the fence-sitting between the secular and the religious, as the book is not data-based enough to be scientific, but also is not theology-based enough to name actual religious concepts.

All that being said, the book is fine. If you're super freaked out to be grieving, this book will validate that you need to mourn.

[Roots.Branches.Wellness · Rating 5 out of 5]

This beat up copy of “Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart” has been with me since undergrad! As a student I co-facilitated a grief group for people who lost a loved one, and this book and the workbook that go along with it was the curriculum.

Because each grief journey is so unique, the author, grief expert @drwolfelt, writes about touchstones, rather than stages or steps of grief. He states you may experience some of the touchstones, but not necessarily in any order or at a certain time. If you are grieving a loss of someone you love, or wondering how to support someone through the process, this book is a must.

“Realistic Expectations for Grief and Mourning
• You will naturally grieve, but you will probably have to make a conscious effort to mourn.
• Your grief and mourning will impact you in all five realms of experience- physical; emotional; cognitive; social; and spiritual.
• You need to feel it to heal it.
• Your grief will probably hurt more before it hurts less.
• You don’t “get over” grief; you learn to live with it.
• You need other people to help you through your grief.
• You will not always feel this bad”

[Suzy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although focus is on grieving the death of a loved one, this was recommended to me for healing from divorce. I found it quite helpful, and the advice and counsel applied to past loss of loved ones as well. It shows the universality of loss and grief, helped me feel that I'm not alone in this ~ and not crazy, despite being dealt an unexpected blow. They're all unexpected, to some extent, I suppose, or can certainly feel that way. The author has counseled thousands of people grieving loss, and is able to provide practical, comforting and encouraging advice to push through a time in life that can seem overwhelming ~ moving toward a different life but one full of new possibilities.

[Paula Coluzzi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a grief counselor I saw after my mom passed away. I struggled with my grief for a year before I decided to seek help. This book put everything into perspective for me and answered many questions I had about the way I was feeling and the comments I was receiving from others. I used the companion workbook to write out my responses to share with my counselor at each visit. It was easy to read and understand. I highly recommend it for anyone going through grief for any reason (death, divorce, loss of job, retirement, health issues, etc.)

[Patty Kluding · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was an amazing, practical resource for working through grief. We used it in a grief support group and I read it cover to cover afterwards to reinforce some of the messages. Helped to provide a guide for process of healing, strong spiritual message without being overly religious or bible-based.

[Sara Budarz · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first book I read after losing my dad and it was good, but not great. Perhaps a bit too simplistic or maybe I just already know more about grief than expected. But what it did excel at was being compassionate in writing and also acknowledging that no two grief journeys look alike. So as a first book, it was good.

[Clyntervention · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book broke down grief in a way that really made it start to make sense. It was helpful in my starting to identify what I was going through. It was a bit generalized and didn't focus too much on if one had an estranged/dysfunctional relationship with the person who passed. Such relationships, I'm sure are less common, but something that would have been helpful in my case and I'm sure for others as well.

Overall, I definitely recommend to get your grief "bearings."

[Maria Coffaro · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you have never been to therapy and don't have close friends or family that you can talk to about your loss, this is a good book. If you have already processed a bit of your grief, this book will feel very elementary. There is a lot of fluff and a ton of repetition. I can't recall how many pages this book was but say it was 200 pages, it could have been 40 pages. It is far from dense.

[Katie Coss · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nothing short of excellent. Wolfeldt’s theory on grief is completely removed from what most understand as the “stages of grief”. This is a wonderfully written book on how to understand your own grief and the grief of others, on your own terms.

[Nancy Chambers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good book for people who are grieving and I’d suggest 2 things. 1 buy the companion journal and do the exercises in it. 2 find a small grief group that that use this book as a guide thru the grieving process. Both will be helpful.

[QT Love · Rating 5 out of 5]

#UnderstandingYourGrief
#AlanDWolfelt

he who has no time to mourn has no time to heal

mourning is outward sign of internal pain
courage - heart feeling

Walking with others through this book.

So good. Even if your grief is 6 years old, it's a good understanding of what you experience.

[Patricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has a lot of wisdom when it comes to the grief process, and I got a lot out of it. The sections are short and there are some inspirational quotes. I recommend it for anyone who has a loved one who has died.

[Rose Kor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful

I found this book very helpful in understanding the unique process of grief. It is a relief to know there is no standard path through because car are all different and it is okay to have a different path.

[Shayne Anderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve heard that Alan Wolfelt is greatly respected in the grief space - and I can see why! This book was easily digestible and gave so many nuggets of wisdom. I really enjoyed all of the quotes throughout.

[Malia Pate · Rating 2 out of 5]

Perhaps I have more supportive and smart family and friends than the average person, but there wasn't anything new here.

[Mrs.Barbara McDonald · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brilliant book!

This is a brilliant book,so sensitively written, and so informative.It felt like a friend holding your hand in the dark.