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The Disappearing Girl: Learning the Language of Teenage Depression
Media, peers, and even parents send teen girls dangerously conflicting messages about what it means to look and act just right, to be good, hip, attractive, and desired. Frighteningly, everyday events can start a teen on a downward spiral. The growing rate of depression in teens is alarming, and parents must understand the difference between "normal adolescent angst" and trouble:
- Why silence reflects a girl's desperate wish for inclusion, not isolation
- Recognizing signals in problem behavior
- Vulnerabilities in dating, friendships, school, and family
Dr. Machoian also offers guidance for:
- Parents--conversation topics to help girls navigate mixed messages, develop their identity, make healthy decisions, and build resilience that will empower them throughout life.
- Daughters--activities, including the Emotional First-Aid Kit, that girls can use to de-stress and build character.
Featuring dozens of real-life stories, this book will show parents what to look for if their daughters aren't thriving, how to better listen and respond, and how to manage their own feelings of helplessness.
- Why silence reflects a girl's desperate wish for inclusion, not isolation
- Recognizing signals in problem behavior
- Vulnerabilities in dating, friendships, school, and family
Dr. Machoian also offers guidance for:
- Parents--conversation topics to help girls navigate mixed messages, develop their identity, make healthy decisions, and build resilience that will empower them throughout life.
- Daughters--activities, including the Emotional First-Aid Kit, that girls can use to de-stress and build character.
Featuring dozens of real-life stories, this book will show parents what to look for if their daughters aren't thriving, how to better listen and respond, and how to manage their own feelings of helplessness.
272 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2005
33 people are currently reading
173 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
August 3, 2015
This book was recommended to me by a health professional who knew I was in the field of teaching adolescents. Each year, the cases of depression among teens, especially girls, are astounding. They are still kids; they shouldn’t have to deal with these problems already, but the fact is that our society pushes maturity onto our children earlier and earlier, exposing them to violent images on television and the internet. I do my best to get help for my students when they most need it.
“Most girls in emotional distress pass beneath the radar, their depression unrecognized, mistake for typical teen development or teenage angst. Lack of recognition during adolescence can have a negative impact on the development of a girl’s positive identity. This creates the risk that girls will grow into women with depression and, often, a lost sense of who they really are, what they really want, and what they are really capable of doing with their lives” (xx).
“Teenagers naturally come to rely more on their peers, but they are being pushed unnaturally to separate from their parents and themselves. They give up their interests and tastes, silence their natural responses in school, and rely too much on friends and boys. When girls have given everything away in the desire to conform and belong, the emptiness can cause them terrible pain” (59).
“Fault-finding and criticism from other people really can shatter a young person’s sense of herself. Girls are constantly trying to adhere to unrealistic images of women, gender role expectations, peer pressure, parental pressure, and academic pressures. Adolescence is an uncertain, unstable time in the life cycle; we’ve all been there” (76).
“In an effort to help girls stay positive, have them name three good things that happened today, three things for which they are thankful. . . . Also have them name three good things about themselves that don’t have to do with looks or body. Make a time to really listen to the girl in your life – maybe at the dinner table” (89).
“Girls are exposed to a lot of trauma in our society: One in four girls is sexually assaulted by age eighteen. Some statistics report one in three, and one out of every five teenage girls experiences dating violence. Abuse, sexual assault, and witnessing domestic violence have an added impact: Relational trauma – abuse from someone you know – not only disrupts one’s sense of safety and trust in the larger world, but also trust in other human beings. This is compounded when the abuse is from someone known and trusted. Trauma is often unspeakable – and often unspoken” (97-98).
“A teenage girl’s descent into depression often starts with this worrying about what people think. The constant nag of self-censoring, of keeping certain thoughts and feelings inside, shutting down, burying away, hiding, repressing, dissociating parts of herself, thinking about every move, and every word and the repercussions is draining. Girls police themselves and are policed by other teens. The censoring drains vital life energy and simultaneously submerges the self” (135).
Given the proper help and guidance, our girls have the power to transcend beyond these awful adolescent years and emerge into strong young women, but they have to be given the opportunity to do so. They need to be listened to when they ask for help.
September 22, 2007
When rating this book, I was torn between giving it 3 stars and 4 stars. If I could give it 3.5 stars, I would. As a psychologist, I was disappointed at the lack of psychological depth from a professional perspective. However, from a layperson's point of view, it's very informative, especially for teachers, parents, and anyone else who interacts with youth. In fact, I would also recommend it for youth as well.
The good points: very easy reading and easy to understand. For those who aren't familiar with teenage depression, it's a nice introductory book. The author presents an abundance of stories of teenage girls. Each story illustrates the language of teenage depression well. One psychological tidbit that appeals to the psychologist in me is a reference to Winnicott and his theory on stealing. Youth steal as a way to "get something" that they are sorely missing. I love symbolism. The book also sparked an interest in self-injurious behaviors like cutting. Probably the most key part of the book is the last chapter where all the girls the author interviewed provide their own insights to depression and how to cope. Because of this and the relative ease with which to read the book are what make me recommend this book to youth.
The negatives: However, I decided against giving the book a 4th star because of a cultural gap in the stories. The cover of the book says it all: many of the girls are White. Actually, the author neglects to mention ethnicity and race at all. Wait, there is one story about a Latina girl...who was adopted by a White family. It's an important story and at least it touches on racial differences, but it's like a token minority story, kinda like how "Black" movies have that stereotypical token White character. Anyway, with such a limited perspective of teenage depression, I can't really see how this book can apply to teens of other races and ethnicities.
If you are looking for an introduction to the world of teenage depression with no psychological conceptualization, then this is a good book. But as I said, keep in mind the limited view from which it is framed. As psychologists, we'd have to look elsewhere to read about specific multicultural issues.
The good points: very easy reading and easy to understand. For those who aren't familiar with teenage depression, it's a nice introductory book. The author presents an abundance of stories of teenage girls. Each story illustrates the language of teenage depression well. One psychological tidbit that appeals to the psychologist in me is a reference to Winnicott and his theory on stealing. Youth steal as a way to "get something" that they are sorely missing. I love symbolism. The book also sparked an interest in self-injurious behaviors like cutting. Probably the most key part of the book is the last chapter where all the girls the author interviewed provide their own insights to depression and how to cope. Because of this and the relative ease with which to read the book are what make me recommend this book to youth.
The negatives: However, I decided against giving the book a 4th star because of a cultural gap in the stories. The cover of the book says it all: many of the girls are White. Actually, the author neglects to mention ethnicity and race at all. Wait, there is one story about a Latina girl...who was adopted by a White family. It's an important story and at least it touches on racial differences, but it's like a token minority story, kinda like how "Black" movies have that stereotypical token White character. Anyway, with such a limited perspective of teenage depression, I can't really see how this book can apply to teens of other races and ethnicities.
If you are looking for an introduction to the world of teenage depression with no psychological conceptualization, then this is a good book. But as I said, keep in mind the limited view from which it is framed. As psychologists, we'd have to look elsewhere to read about specific multicultural issues.
December 24, 2009
I wonder how in this day and age a Harvard researcher can write a book of such narrow focus. I think the painful experiences of the obviously middle class white girls Machoian recorded are very valid. But how can you completely ignore girls of color, and girls from working class backgrounds? The book would have been much better if Machoian specified that she was addressing the problem of depression among middle class white girls in the introduction. But without such a qualifier, she seems to imply that only middle class white girls experience depression, and that other girls who do not fit this demographic do not deserve recognition of their painful experiences. Also, there was no mention of how white identity affects these girls, which I'm sure it does in some way because we live in a racialized society, and I'm sure these girls have been influenced by race and racism, especially when they talk about the wide cultural stereotypes. But Machocian never even uses the word 'race.' She quoted Toni Morrison on one page, but in such a vague way. Class is also never mentioned, except through obviously middle and upper class ancedotes, for example Machoian writes about a girl who gets forced out of her clique because she had a knock-off Coach bag. Girls from working class backgrounds also experience classicism; it would have been nice if Machoian included their experiences. The only reason I could think of Machoian's glaring omissions is that she thinks her book would be more marketable by not mentioning race of class. Still, I am concerned about the dangerous 'disappearance' that girls of color and girls of working class backgrounds will feel when coming across this book.
December 24, 2009
What an ironic title. Apparently Machoian thinks that only middle and upper class white girls are 'Disappearing.' But since she never even once mentions race or class, she successfully disappeared the experiences of working class girls of color. How did she get this far in her life and at Harvard without once thinking about race and class?
August 19, 2007
There isn't much new in this book. But honestly, I think every bit of information and publicity about adolescent depression is a step toward destigmatizing the illness and ensuring that teens with depression can get diagnosed and treated.
August 25, 2008
A bit repetitive, but good for anyone trying to understand why some adolescent girls act the way they do.
February 9, 2019
Lisa Machoian’s book The Disappearing Girl is an amazing resource for any parent with an adolescent daughter navigating her way to adulthood—not just mildly or depressed teenagers but any teenage girl. The book clearly describes the full complement stressors affecting our teenage daughters and their response to them and those who surround them. The book is most useful as a descriptive, preventative and diagnostic resource for identifying depression and mood disorders early in teenage girls, and taking action to curb potential risky behavior and personal damage to themselves.
Another strength of the book is its accessibility. The book is a case study of over 10 of Ms. Machoian’s subjects and mostly told from the perspective of the young women she interviewed. This perspective is littered with her psychotherapeutic commentary on what is happening to them and why those events trigger critical and destructive behavioral responses. One of my main takeaways here is that aberrant behavior typically masks some deeper mood or emotional disorder.
However, its strength overplayed is its greatest weakness. In an attempt to make the stories accessible and make her point, the book softens in the middle and becomes repetitive. At this point all the stories seem to meld together and it becomes difficult to distinguish one of these young women from the next. The subjects all morph into a large archetypical case where ironically the book loses each of the girls individuality and identity—almost as though the book makes them disappear.
This leads to another issue which contributes to the disappearing act. The demographic of the subjects is extremely narrow. So the girls all appear to be generic white middle class girls from affluent or borderline affluent communities. I thought depression favors not socio-economic class, race, religion, or creed. Unfortunately, The Disappearing Girl misleads you into thinking that this is a problem of very narrow demographic. Unfortunately, this apparent 1-dimensional approach subtracts from the quality and credibility of the book. This is unfortunate.
Again in its appeal to a mass audience, the book lacks technical depth. I expected a couple chapters on the behavioral theory and brain biochemistry to support some of the psychotherapy sprinkled throughout the book. I thought maybe some of this would help break the monotony and provide a clinical and medical back story to the behavioral responses repeated throughout the book.
Finally, the book seems to be intentionally descriptive and diagnostic. I would have loved if it broaden its scope and provided some prescriptive help or guidelines for girls, parents, or friends reading the book.
That said, I still highly recommend the book and see it as a vital resource for girls, families, and friends looking for tools to help contribute to the well-being and recovery of disappearing girls.
Another strength of the book is its accessibility. The book is a case study of over 10 of Ms. Machoian’s subjects and mostly told from the perspective of the young women she interviewed. This perspective is littered with her psychotherapeutic commentary on what is happening to them and why those events trigger critical and destructive behavioral responses. One of my main takeaways here is that aberrant behavior typically masks some deeper mood or emotional disorder.
However, its strength overplayed is its greatest weakness. In an attempt to make the stories accessible and make her point, the book softens in the middle and becomes repetitive. At this point all the stories seem to meld together and it becomes difficult to distinguish one of these young women from the next. The subjects all morph into a large archetypical case where ironically the book loses each of the girls individuality and identity—almost as though the book makes them disappear.
This leads to another issue which contributes to the disappearing act. The demographic of the subjects is extremely narrow. So the girls all appear to be generic white middle class girls from affluent or borderline affluent communities. I thought depression favors not socio-economic class, race, religion, or creed. Unfortunately, The Disappearing Girl misleads you into thinking that this is a problem of very narrow demographic. Unfortunately, this apparent 1-dimensional approach subtracts from the quality and credibility of the book. This is unfortunate.
Again in its appeal to a mass audience, the book lacks technical depth. I expected a couple chapters on the behavioral theory and brain biochemistry to support some of the psychotherapy sprinkled throughout the book. I thought maybe some of this would help break the monotony and provide a clinical and medical back story to the behavioral responses repeated throughout the book.
Finally, the book seems to be intentionally descriptive and diagnostic. I would have loved if it broaden its scope and provided some prescriptive help or guidelines for girls, parents, or friends reading the book.
That said, I still highly recommend the book and see it as a vital resource for girls, families, and friends looking for tools to help contribute to the well-being and recovery of disappearing girls.
September 12, 2023
Amazing. A must-read for parents, teachers, therapists -- anyone close to preteens and teens. i wish I had read it years ago. Its been invaluable to me -- gives so much insight and concrete advice, its given me real hope for the first time in a long time. The stories of the girls she shares are eye-opening, devastating, yet comforting. I have shared some with my daughter and they have made her feel both understood and hopeful. I see a light in her eyes when hears these stories, so familiar. I am grateful to this book and to the obvious love Dr. Machoian clearly feels for girls.
March 7, 2021
What an interesting look at the struggles out girls are dealing with nowadays. It really opened my eyes on how the signs of depression can be missed or seen as teen angst. I wish i had read this when my daughter was younger, but glad i picked it up now.
January 3, 2018
Very helpful and insightful.
July 22, 2018
Good, but a little dated now.
July 27, 2018
It is real
I was able to relate to the real stories shared in the book. Very thought provoking and made me stop to reflect often.
I was able to relate to the real stories shared in the book. Very thought provoking and made me stop to reflect often.
December 19, 2025
The writing wasn't the greatest - kind of rambling. However, the content was highly accurate.
February 23, 2012
* *
Paradoxically enough, Lisa's book on teenage depression was quite uplifting! While recognizing and validating the severity of the increasing levels of depression and suicide attempts in teenage girls, Lisa's book also offers hope. The theme of her book is nicely summarized in her introductory comment of: "No matter how despairing [teenage girls] may feel, there is always a spark of hope with them, and the energy to make their troubles visible to themselves and others."
The book focuses on how we can keep our eyes and ears open to the language of teenage depression, and ultimately help the girls find their "spark." Lisa illustrates how teenage girls are especially at risk for depression when they silence their inner core of self in an attempt to conform and belong with others. Empty inside, these girls crave genuine connections to bring them back to life. This book helps to pave that road from isolation to connection.
The Disappearing Girl also offers a look into the cognitive, societal, and developmental contributors of teenage depression, as well as tools and resources to help these girls develop coping strategies and healthy relationships to help them in their struggles. Whether you're a parent, friend, teacher, or therapist of a teenager who is depressed, or are a depressed teenager yourself, Lisa's book offers a lifeline worth reaching out for.
Paradoxically enough, Lisa's book on teenage depression was quite uplifting! While recognizing and validating the severity of the increasing levels of depression and suicide attempts in teenage girls, Lisa's book also offers hope. The theme of her book is nicely summarized in her introductory comment of: "No matter how despairing [teenage girls] may feel, there is always a spark of hope with them, and the energy to make their troubles visible to themselves and others."
The book focuses on how we can keep our eyes and ears open to the language of teenage depression, and ultimately help the girls find their "spark." Lisa illustrates how teenage girls are especially at risk for depression when they silence their inner core of self in an attempt to conform and belong with others. Empty inside, these girls crave genuine connections to bring them back to life. This book helps to pave that road from isolation to connection.
The Disappearing Girl also offers a look into the cognitive, societal, and developmental contributors of teenage depression, as well as tools and resources to help these girls develop coping strategies and healthy relationships to help them in their struggles. Whether you're a parent, friend, teacher, or therapist of a teenager who is depressed, or are a depressed teenager yourself, Lisa's book offers a lifeline worth reaching out for.
September 8, 2008
I'm not very far into it, but the more I glance through it, the more I am convinced I have been depressed pretty much since the beginning of middle school, if not earlier, and the more I am convinced that the cliche is true: depression manifests itself in vastly different ways in every person who suffers from it.
Perhaps because my level of depression was (is) mostly mild, dsythmic, and only later more severe or perhaps because I was (am) extremely reserved, passive and frightened to do so, I've never exhibited the same kind of aggressive, unpredictable behaviors that are so often the warning signs for parents that something is wrong, and are outlined in this book.
Despite that, the signs were (are) there, even if you had to look very carefully and know what you are dealing with. If I or Mom or Dad had read this, would I still be depressed today? It feels a little too light-weight to convince me of that, but had any of us been on the lookout, as it were, thanks to this book, things might have turned out differently.
Perhaps because my level of depression was (is) mostly mild, dsythmic, and only later more severe or perhaps because I was (am) extremely reserved, passive and frightened to do so, I've never exhibited the same kind of aggressive, unpredictable behaviors that are so often the warning signs for parents that something is wrong, and are outlined in this book.
Despite that, the signs were (are) there, even if you had to look very carefully and know what you are dealing with. If I or Mom or Dad had read this, would I still be depressed today? It feels a little too light-weight to convince me of that, but had any of us been on the lookout, as it were, thanks to this book, things might have turned out differently.
February 13, 2015
I kind of wish I had read the reviews of The Disappearing Girl more carefully before dedicating my time to reading the book. While it is well written, I have to agree with previous reviewers that it is just a cursory look at the problem of depression in a microcosm of girls - white, upwardly mobile, teen aged girls who have suffered bullying or some form of abuse. That, unfortunately, leaves a wide range of girls out. That said, what Dr. Machoian does cover is clear and well documented.
Therefore, for the parent or teacher of the girl described above, The Disappearing Girl does offer some understanding and help. We all need to try harder to comprehend the pressures that teen aged girls are facing in order to guide them, empower them, help them to cope, persevere, find their own voice, overcome and build resilience. This book makes a respectable start in the right direction. For the professional treating a depressed girl, you will want to look further.
Therefore, for the parent or teacher of the girl described above, The Disappearing Girl does offer some understanding and help. We all need to try harder to comprehend the pressures that teen aged girls are facing in order to guide them, empower them, help them to cope, persevere, find their own voice, overcome and build resilience. This book makes a respectable start in the right direction. For the professional treating a depressed girl, you will want to look further.
June 30, 2015
What many others have said about this book is true. The research seems to be based mostly on a subset of teenage girls (white, middle to upper class, have friends, engage in risky behaviors). While the book would have been better if it had included girls from more cultural and social backgrounds, it still has some really good information, especially for parents of tween and teenage girls. Also more should have been said about the potential emotionally damaging effects of having sexual relationships too young. A few nuggets from the book: 1)Depressed girls really are crying out for connection and belonging, with family and with peers. 2)They need encouragement and reasons to be proud of themselves. 3)Mostly they just need someone to listen.
May 25, 2016
It was good for what it was, but seemed to focus mostly on depression as a result of bullying or abuse and didn't mention chemical depression. As others have said, it seems the author overlooks minorities, classes... And it is very repetitive.
December 20, 2016
This has become my study guide to help my daughter, niece, and students who are dealing with depression and anxiety. I've made notes and tabbed my favorite passages so I can refer to it often. It's literally life changing - life saving.
February 9, 2015
Definitely helped me understand the patterns and thinking that accompanies depression in teen girls.
January 3, 2016
Great information delivered in the best way
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews