The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible

by Ali Binazir

THE SECRET I LEARNED FROM 5000 WOMEN'S LETTERS
Can you summarize the book for me in a minute? People have asked me that question hundreds of times. So here's the 3-word summary for ya: BE THE LIGHT.

What does that mean? Well, 5000 or so letters I've received from women readers on their dating woes can all be boiled down to this: Does my butt look good in these pants?

Well, okay, sorta. What they're really asking is Am I enough? Well, are you? Answer: Wrong question!. Because that's not a game you can win! Focus on this question instead: How can I make the people around me feel like a million bucks?

How to Generate the Love You Want Instead of Waiting for It to Happen

Because at any point in life, you have the option to elevate those around you -- with a look, a touch, a phrase of praise, genuine appreciation. Hey, love what you've done with that outfit. That was a great book! Learned so much. Thanks for that fabulous home-cooked meal!

When you appreciate and elevate others, they light up. And because we're hypersocial, empathic beings equipped with mirror neurons, YOU light up, and everyone notices: Who is that glow-in-the-dark girl? I want to be around that!

Now, you've got a crowd gathered around you. Lonely no more! And instead of coming from a place of lack or need, you're coming from abundance, joy, and choice. A much stronger starting point for any relationship.

But most important: Butts and butt fashions change. The power to elevate, on the other hand, is power that cannot be taken away from you. The Tao of Dating is your manual for learning how to be the light and come into your authentic power.

What readers say:

The content is intelligent and compassionate and enriching far beyond anything to do with dating. In essence, this book somehow, magically, alchemically, brings you back to yourself. Everyday TV and other media specialize in portraying women as cheap and disposable. This book is the antidote. Just by reading it, one is restored to one's own heart. I can think of no better praise.

I have read many books about relationships and dating, but The Tao of Dating is one of a kind, so different and mind-blowing in its common sense and simplicity that it is impossible to put it down once you start reading.

Thanks to this specific book, I went from having a nonexistent dating life, with empty weeks stretching ahead, to being booked every night of the week...The results were dramatic: I now feel like I have my pick of the litter with a slew of fabulous guys who all clamor for my attention.

Why I wrote this book: When I was an advisor at Harvard, I noticed that smart women like yourself were having unfulfilling love lives on an epidemic scale. They either couldn't find the right guy, were with the wrong guy, had relationships that didn't last, or had given up on dating entirely. I wrote this book to remedy the situation.

This is not your grandma's dating guide. Partially because I'm not your grandma, and partially because the 21st century poses unprecedented challenges to the modern woman. Is there time for love within a high-powered career? And nowadays, lots of guys are less educated and affluent than you. What to do? I give you tips on how to handle all that.

Ancient Wisdom + Modern Science = lasting love + happiness for successful women like yourself. This is a heart-centered, science-based, practical guide to finding fulfillment in your love lives and far beyond, all through a series of small, simple steps that put the fun back in dating. Join the tens of thousands of women who who have transformed their lives with The Tao of Dating.

Genres: Self Help, Relationships, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Psychology, Love, Romance

284 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2010

Reviews

[Tish · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book 2 years ago and have since bought copies of it for six women I love, including my mother, sister and girlfriends, which sets a personal record that I doubt will be broken by another book. That may be the highest recommendation I will ever bestow on a non-fiction book, in part because it enabled me to reconsider a guy I rejected with new eyes. The book is not perfect, but it helped me see the things that matter, the things that make a guy a "Good Guy", that I can't establish within a first date or a resume scan.


My notes on what I got out of each chapter:


1) Dating for Fulfilment
Why so many of us, when hungry, choose the menu over the food. When dating, we should be looking for the feeling of fulfilment, not at the person and his "credentials".


2) Who You Really Are
Good for any women who doubt their value in this world as a woman, and need to remember how important and divine they are. (This section gets a little New-Age-y, I skip this on re-reads.)


3) Yin and Yang
All women reading this book are successful and intelligent, and will probably roll their eyes or cuss the author out in this section. As one of many feminists reading this book, after a lifetime of rebelling against an Asian mother's pleas for me to be more obedient and compromise my career for the sake of my future child-rearing duties, I similarly resisted Dr. Binazir's characterization of Yin (feminine) and Yang (masculine) qualities. But after the first instinctual emotional reaction, I'll leave it to you to decide whether he ultimately makes sense.


4) What You Really Want


5) Understanding Men, Understanding Yourself
TRIPLE STAR THIS SECTION. If I had a physical copy of this book, this chapter would have the softest, most frayed-edge pages drenched with highlighter ink.


II. BE

6) Beliefs
7) Attitudes
This section is about cultivating your mind and disciplining your behaviour, keeping yourself happy and fulfilled with or without a man. Skip if you're already pretty happy with yourself and don't have body image or other self-esteem issues.



III. DO

8) Find
9) Meet
Good advice but none of this applied to how I met my boyfriend.

10) Attract
I did the Listening practice with my housemate a couple years ago and should probably do it more often.


11) Romance, or what to do on a date
Includes: The five masculating gifts (this is itself a gift from Dr. Binazir), and When is the right time to have sex with him?


IV. HAVE

12) Making Relationships Last

*Important: Connect at 3 "chakras" for a lasting relationship: head, heart and mind. You must have all 3, do not settle for 2 out of 3.

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I dislike self-help books. I find them indulgent and a bit ridiculous. I also feel like I don't need them.

However, I picked this one up and read it cover to cover in about 3 nights.

It is easy to read, appeals on a number of levels, both simple and straightforward all the way to the more spiritual and meditative levels...nd is also practical. There are bits and pieces that everyone, at any level, can take from this book. I expect there are dog-eared/highlighated copies all over the world of this. The author really seems to care about about the happiness of others, and it comes out in his writing.

I liked this book. I admit to liking a self-help book. And I also admit that i'm not perfect and absolutely need help in more areas than I want to delve into... but this was a great start at tweaking the way I view myself. And changing myself will allow the rest of my world to change...

I've already be consciously putting some of his "exercises" to work in my day-to-day life...and while it is too soon to say, I WILL say that my attitude has improved, my stress level has decreased and he is right about a lot of things!

Do yourself a favor and read this book. It's really worth your time!

[Bells · Rating 2 out of 5]

I purchased this book after reading many amazing views from Amazon. Rated the best selling dating book.
Much of the content is digested and regurgitated how to love yourself theories. Whilst I definitely think this is true the book didn't really tell me anything that I hadn't already read from other such books.

I soon discovered the reason for the positive reviews from Amazon. The author offers each reviewer that leaves a review on Amazon a 15 minute coaching slot. So who would want to leave a bad review knowing that you can obtain a coaching session for nothing. A little misleading?

I wouldn't rush to recommend this book.

[Kharah · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is one of those books, particularly with that title, that you're almost loathe to add to your reading list just because it's going to pop up on everyone's feed. But a friend of mine got a kick out of and forwarded me one of Dr. Ali's Huffington Post articles on dating for people that are too smart for their own good. And I was so impressed with his perspective and tell-it-like-it-is approach (e.g., only someone so smart could screw up something so basic) that I decided to give the book a try.

The overall message is a good one, and the Taoist philosophy really works well here. Finding someone and loving someone should not be a drag or a chore. Trying to force something to work for the sake of it is not likely to go well. The point is not to NEED a man for the sake of convention, but to WANT a particular man to complement you as a fulfilled, complete person. And everyone already has everything they need to accomplish that.

As with any self-help, advice-type book, there are going to be parts that resonate and parts that don't, and this one is no exception. There were parts I loved and others that annoyed me so much I actually blacked them out. I would recommend taking some of the science parts with a grain of salt - at some points Dr. Ali is good at admitting he's taking complex, multi-faceted, on-going research and distilling it into a sound bite but he's not consistent. Particularly with the gender differences and some of the belief stuff earlier on in the book. And some of the "science" is a bit of a stretch or just plain bad. Case in point, in one exercise you're asked to twist around as far as you can, then IMAGINE yourself being able to twist your torso around and around again, and then repeat, seeing if you can actually twist further the second time. Is it the power of visualization, as Dr. Ali and his "science" suggests, or more that you limbered yourself up by twisting the first time?... In some spots it was so bad that it reminded me of What the Bleep Do We Know?, a book that's notorious for taking liberties with "science."

I was going to say the same thing about Dr. Ali's description of Taoist philosophy, that is, it was way oversimplified and cursory. But given Taoism, that either wouldn't make much sense or would be a compliment. So, instead, I'll say that if the Taoist perspective appealed to you I'd recommend searching out Taoist texts and sitting with them.

[Jaci · Rating 4 out of 5]

More a book about general Taoism than dating, but I actually appreciated it. Now, off to find me some boys!

[Sophia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I ordered the "Tao of Dating" while still recovering from an abusive relationship which took me almost 3 years to get over. I had noticed that I didn't trust my instincts anymore about identifying a good man and how to build a healthy relationship.
It's hard to understand or even explain why one is attracted to the "bad guy" especially if it's not that obvious in the beginning, and then, how I got so deep into this wrong relationship to the point that I didn't even notice how I was being manipulated and unable to leave. After leaving, I was so afraid, I came to the point that I gave up on even trying to date or look for a partner (at 38 y).
However, after reading the reviews on Amazon, I decided to give this book a try. It has helped me a lot. A LOT! I read it through and then, read it again, started doing the little exercises and incorporating the ideas into my daily life. I truly can say, it has changed me. It has changed my perspective on and expectations of relationships in general. I got a clear picture of what type of relationship would bring me fulfillment and what type of person I should be looking for. The guidance is comprehensive and the concepts are clear.
Shortly after reading this book, I started dating my first "good guy". The relationship wasn't successful, but there was no sense of loss or regret. Overall, it was a great experience and we both gave our best, even though it wasn't fulfilling enough for either of us. This experience was a real good one and helped me further shape my idea of a great relationship and a good partner for me.
I was not in a rush, I was not afraid, I was totally confident that my soul mate would show up when the time was right for me. Indeed, a few months later, I met my soul mate. He was everything what I had dreamed of, and even more. We moved in together and live a loving fulfilling relationship. Until this day (nearly 2 years after reading the book!), I feel like a Godess, I feel how I am the feminine energy in the relationship and how I can receive and give love to my partner.
Thank you Mr. AliBi! You changed my life.

[Ryan Laurant · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wasn’t really what I was expecting but it was fine.

[Kristin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had to come back and increase my star rating of this book. I read it cover to cover in a few days back in the summer and thought, "Oh, I guess this book is alright, but what's it saying that hasn't been said before?" Another thing that held me back was that I honestly wonder whether some parts of this book aren't downright sexist (e.g., some of the feminine-masculine polarity writings).

I realized five months later, however, that I have been coming back to the book again and again. The author makes a lot of good points about things that we can do in all of our relationships (e.g., learning to really listen, learning not to take things personally, going with the flow, practicing good judgment when it comes to who we let into our lives). I also appreciated the author's hat tip to Dr. John Gottman's Four Housemen and those specific "communication techniques" that many of us employ when we are wounded that do more harm than good (e.g., stonewalling and criticism).

Much of this book would likely not be particularly useful for someone whose relationship/family structure or gender identity is not consistent with the mainstream/majority. That said, the author identifies his audience early on and I suspect that this book is actually quite powerful for those women who do fall into that limited category. Moreover, some of the book actually is universally applicable.

I learned a lot from the book and I think that my own relationships are slowly, but surely, benefiting from those lessons.

[Kim · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a bit touchy-feely. Some of the exercises that he advises readers to do are a bit out-there. But I guess if it helps you get in touch with your authentic self, then great. It's not the best dating book I've ever read, but it's good. I'd recommend it especially to those who have a spiritual streak or are looking for more off-beat, unconventional advice.

[Karen Rubin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was impressed with how the advice Dr. Ali B proposed for how to comport oneself while dating was actually the best advice for "Winning at Life." It's a two-fer. If you have been engaging in some dating insanity (of course you have, or you wouldn't be shopping for dating advice books), then reading this one will point you toward peace in your interactions with dates.

[Sarah O'Flaherty · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is absolutely excellent!! I never thought a book on dating would actually be useful, but this one definitely is. I would highly recommend it to any smart women who's about to head into the world of dating, or has been dating for a while and struggling with the process. Thanks Ali - I think you might have changed my life.

[Kristy · Rating 4 out of 5]

...because I kind of suck at dating.

[Christine Knight · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book on living life from a more fulfilled point of view... I highly recommend for all women regardless of whether they are single or in a relationship.

[Taylor Ball · Rating 5 out of 5]

It seems strange and slightly embarrassing to admit that I read a dating book, but life is too short to spend time being embarrassed!

After a series of romantic mishaps, I decided it was time to take action and see how I can improve my dating life. I had started some dating books in the past but they were too sexist and too judgemental. I never felt like the book wanted me to be me. I did some research and came across the Tao of Dating.

I cannot recommend this book more! I’ve been going around telling everyone I know about this book. I’m planning to send a copy to some of my friends.

This book is about changing one’s mindset as our thoughts have such a impact on the world around us. This book perfectly pairs the spiritual and psychological aspects of understanding ourselves, our partners and our ability to love.

I loved all the exercises and found them incredibly helpful. I also highlighted almost half the book and will definitely be rereading it. So lots of good praise for this work.

My two critics are 1) it is very heteronormative (but it does a great job acknowledging that and tries it’s best to provide advice applicable to love in the broadest term) and 2) at times frustrating due to the idea of feminine and masculine energies. Initially this part rubbed me the wrong way but I found it actually quite enlightening. If you are repulsed by this idea, fret not, you could entirely skip that chapter and find ENDLESS amounts of useful tips.

Everyone should read this book so you can love yourself and those around you!

[Jennifer Murray · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'll admit I wasn't super into the idea of this book. I'm an independent, career-minded woman who isn't super obsessed with finding a man to complete me. However, one of my most trusted friends (who is incredibly fierce and indepndent) recommended it so I thought I would give it a try. I think the reason why this book resonated with me is because it isn't just a book about dating. It really aims to focus on finding yourself and understanding yourself while you're dating--obviously, that is going to have better results than trying tips from Cosmopolitan magazine. I also don't know much about the Tao so it was interesting to learn a bit about that as well. I think my big pet peeves with the book were some slight anti-feminist leanings. I don't think he really meant it the way some passages came across, and there were times I had to bite my tongue. However, it is an older book-- 10 years now-- and I think there is much to be gained from a more holistic approach to dating.

[Jen Stone · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great handbook to be the goddess that you are! Like any self-help book, take what works for you, and leave what doesn't. I came to this book looking to refresh my dating strategy to get around the same dead end relationships. The first awakening moment I had reading this was when Binazir describes “how to spot bad boys” or what we call Red Flags. They are things that seem obvious, but he spells them out in a way that made it come home for me (how these red flag traits may be perceived as attractive, and why you should stay away if you’re looking for something serious). Every man I dated had these red flag traits… and I thought they were positive, attractive traits ! The nerd I am, I took notes as I went along. I really like the eastern view and explanation of yin/yang and how to embrace Moon (feminine) energy. An excellent book to pick up if you’re looking for a fresh view on your current dating attitudes and beliefs.

[Minh Anh Đặng · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thật sự cuốn sách này viết khá là dài dòng, tác giả sử dụng NLP ( Lập trình ngôn ngữ tư duy ) vào trong sách khá nhiều. Vì mình đã trải qua 1 khoá học 3 ngày liên tục về NLP, nên 1 nửa sách là những nội dung mình đã được học trong khoá học đó, nếu ai đã học khóa đó như mình thì nội dung khá là chán, mình đã tính bỏ giữa chừng không đọc nữa, nhưng đọc tiếp thì nội dung của 1 nửa sau khá là hay, có nhiều điều bổ ích, chỉ muốn nói rằng tác giả hãy tập trung vào chủ đề chính, vì tác giả viết quá dài dòng, cuốn sách 380 trang nhưng chỉ có 1 nửa là tập trung vào chủ đề chính, còn 1 nửa sách tác giả viết giống sách self-help. Điểm khác biệt duy nhất trong cuốn sách này là, đây là cuốn sách viết riêng cho phụ nữ nhưng tác giả lại là nam.

[Laura Papsun · Rating 4 out of 5]

I reluctantly picked up this book after it had been highly recommended to me. I love spirituality. I love scientific research and data. My friend knows that. She said this is a great combination of the two. She said that while it does talk about dating, most of the concepts really are applicable for all relationships—friends, relatives, coworkers, or romantic—so it’s a good read for anyone. She was right. I felt like this was one of the more intelligent “self improvement” books I’ve read that helps us to understand how others think.

[Jasminder · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really grounded, realistic approach to dating. It teaches you to look inwardly and enjoy one’s own company. Truly find things that you love about yourself and employ gratitude in your everyday life. Once you master this and truly enjoy your own company, you attract like minded people. I loved the exercises you do for yourself and really helped me understand myself better. I took on all the steps the author recommended and it not only helped me become a better. Version of myself but I did eventually find the love of my life. This book is amazing and cannot recommend it enough.

[Jolie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really fun book that challenged the way I thought and behaved. I loved a lot of the concepts, and I finished the book feeling excited and confident. Will let everyone know if it succeeds in giving me a fulfilling dating life. Reading this book was fun, entertaining, eye-opening. Would recommend to any smart woman looking to get the most out of their relationships!

[Justin Peters · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay let me first say that I’m a male and in a long-term relationship. Now with that in mind, I picked this book up because Dr. Ali Binazir was coming on my podcast. I wasn’t expecting to get as much out of it as I did. I feel like I have a renewed energy to better my relationship. I hope all of you amazing women get something great out of this one too.

[Fereshteh Aalamifar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not just for dating - as relevant to other aspects of life !

One of the best self-help book I have ever read. The lessons learned in this book are life lessons and applicable to all aspects of life. Highly original, right to the point, practical lessons and convincing arguments. Highly recommend.

[Gala · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved every word of this book. All felt relevant to the tea. This book helped me to reevaluate and reanalyze myself, my dating patterns, my weak and strong personal sides and to readjust my behavior.

[Uyên Nguyễn · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Tao of Dating is an interesting book to read. Although I have already know most of the basic knowledge about "the law of attraction" or Tao Te Ching, Ali Binazir have give me the practical ways to use those insight in dating.

[Renee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Women Need to Read This Book

So glad I read this book. I have changed alot of myself in reading this. I have a date tonight and cannot wait to go practice some things from the book. This book is a keeper...one that I will refer to over and over again!!!!

[Lynnette Dinh · Rating 3 out of 5]

cần tìm người kiểm nghiệm tiếp phần sau :v

[Jabeen Hussain · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent dating advice

Really good advice for a relationship. Would recommend to anyone. This guy has got it down. Especially the part about give up to get

[Gabriela · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think the title is a bit misleading meaning is more about finding a self worth as a woman than dating actually. I find it very useful. Nice to read for every woman, won't be disappointed.

[Jill Eshelman]

This is one of the more heteronormative books I've ever read. Taoists need to get on board with the concept of gender fluidity.

[Vivi Vasconcelos · Rating 4 out of 5]

i hate stupid relationship books ( most are ) but this one is great !