They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life

by Oliver James

Do your relationships tend to follow the same destructive pattern? Do you feel trapped by your family's expectations of you? Does your life seem overwhelmingly governed by jealousy or competitiveness or lack of confidence? In this ground-breaking book, clinical psychologist Oliver James shows that it is the way we were cared for in the first six years of life that has a crucial effect on who we are and how we behave. Nurture, in effect, shapes our very nature. James combines the latest scientific research with fascinating interviews to show that understanding your past is the first step to controlling your present.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Parenting, Self Help, Science, Family, Sociology

384 pages, Paperback

First published September 16, 2002

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author by this name in the Goodreads database.

Oliver James is a clinical psychologist, writer, broadcaster, and television documentary producer. He frequently broadcasts on radio and acts as a pundit on television.

He is the author of several books, including Affluenza, which examines the role that consumerist aspirations play in making us miserable.

In 1997 he presented The Chair for BBC 2, a series that put celebrities on the psychologist's couch, and in which Peter Mandelson famously shed a tear.

Oliver has produced and presented several other television series about the issues surrounding mental illness, and various psychological aspects of British society. He also presented a series for This Morning on child development and is a regular contributor to several broadsheet newspapers.

He is a trustee of the Alzheimer's charity, SPECAL and lives in Oxfordshire with his wife and two small children.

Reviews

[Jafar · Rating 2 out of 5]

I remember listening to an interview with Steven Pinker on NPR right after The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature was published. There were these angry moms who kept calling in and telling him, What do you mean I can’t micro-manage my child’s personality? They should read this book instead. They’d love it. Despite the title, the book doesn’t say that parents are necessarily fucking up their children. What it does say is that children really are blank slates, and just about everything about us is determined by how our parents treat us in our childhood. If there is such a thing as genetic determinism, this book represents the opposite pole: parental determinism.

James is hardcore. When it comes to the nature-vs.-nurture debate, he won’t let you give the safe and cliché “it’s a bit of this and a bit of that” answer. It’s almost always and almost entirely nurture. Only in extreme cases like schizophrenia and autism does he allow some genetic influence. Boys vs. girls? He grudgingly says that maybe they’re born different. (I wonder what happened to “anatomy is destiny.”) Homosexuality? Determined by the parents. Violence, relationship issues, depression, neurosis, religiosity, creativity, intelligence, personality disorders, etc. are all decided by our parents. Child prodigies and geniuses? No biological differences here either. He doesn’t say it explicitly, but he actually makes the laughable implication that you can take any average, snot-nosed brat and turn him into Shakespeare or Einstein or Beethoven or Michael Jordan. It’s all about how we treat and educate and train them. And don’t try to bring friends and peers into the picture. Only our primary caregivers in our childhood are allowed to shape our, um, nature.

That’s really the main point of this book. Everything else is just a cover for this idea. The title of the book is completely misleading. James is really pissed off that some people have been claiming that our personalities are influenced by our genes/brain chemistry/biology. He’s a child development psychologist by training, and he doesn’t have much respect or patience for psychiatrists, let alone biologists and cognitive scientists. I’m glad he didn’t name any names and didn’t take on anyone in particular, as he’s no match in intellect and knowledge for the likes of Pinker and Dawkins and Dennett.

James doesn’t shy away from letting us know that he’s a leftist/liberal and that this debate has significant implications in social policy making. He thinks that the “nature argument” is being used by the Right to advance its agenda (even though the scientists and philosophers on the “nature’s side” are decidedly liberal). The truth, however, is independent of our political preferences.

PS: I don’t get why people act indignant about our genes/biology partly (or even largely) shaping our personality. They think it’s against our human dignity and freedom to be slaves to our genes. Why is it better to be slaves to our parents and be permanently scarred by that stupid thing that they said or did when we were little? More importantly, most psychologists (including James himself) still believe in the Freudian notion of subconscious (an idea for which there’s no real scientific evidence whatsoever), a shadowy agent that holds our real but hidden desires and motives and controls us without our being aware of it. How is being chained to a dark and mysterious subconscious any less oppressive?

[Zsa Zsa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully explained and truly enlightening, it helped me figure out why things are wrong with me and it also made suggestions on how to make it better. A must read for everyone,especially people planning to be parents

[Stuart Aken · Rating 5 out of 5]

Using as examples of various personality traits and problems, Oliver James cites the lives of Prince Charles, Woody Allen, Mia Farrow, Paula Yates, serial killers and victims of sexual abuse in They F*** You Up. In the process, he has written an accessible but scholarly treatise on the role of care, or its lack, in early childhood. His observations and quotes from various studies make a convincing case for the primary function of good parenting in raising children. He breaks down the process into periods of childhood and infancy and also describes how conscience, self-awareness and general mental well-being can be fostered by good and appropriate care from parents or carers. His ideas, backed up by the results of many studies and tests, make it clear that the role of genes in forming personality, conscience and the idea of ‘self’ is at best peripheral. Those who cite genetics as the major cause of crime, addiction, low performance, sexuality, depression and other mental illnesses are exposed as frauds or, at best, ill-informed commentators. Whilst our genes play a large part in making the human the animal he is, it is undoubtedly the type of parental care we receive from birth to age 6 that forms us into the adults we become.
James explains in great detail how personality traits are formed, and describes how early brain patterning can and does form individuals into certain types of adults. Whilst some of the damage done by inappropriate parenting can be modified, alleviated and even repaired, a great deal cannot be changed without huge effort.
What James is calling for with this book is nothing less than a complete overhaul of the way society treats children. That nurture, rather than nature (genes), is the driving force behind personality disorders, depression, disassociation, weak conscience, criminality and madness is no longer disputed by those who understand these matters thoroughly. Those who blame genes, and use this argument as a basis for social discrimination, are both fraudulent and hypocritical.
James suggests a different strategy for dealing with society’s problems and forecasts that a failure to adjust to such a system will inevitably increase the rates of violence, crime, injustice and insanity in our world. I am convinced by his cogent arguments and find myself looking at my fellow human beings with much greater respect, tolerance and understanding.
Alain De Botton urges all prospective parents to read They F*** You Up BEFORE embarking on the hazardous voyage of parenthood. I can only agree with this injunction.
If you are thinking of having children, please, for the sake of your offspring and the future of the human race, read this book FIRST. And, if you have already had your children, or wonder about your own early life and its effect on your personality, read this book as a way of understanding why you are who you are and your friends are who they are. It is a cathartic experience.

[Steve Russell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've never really read a book like this; something that allows me to hold up a critical mirror in order to really assess what comprises me as a person. It was an interesting, thoughtful and, at times, worrying/upsetting experience to be able to so easily apply the archetypes laid out within this books pages, and so easily map them to your own character traits and personality.

Oliver James writes in an easily accessible way, which is great for somebody like me who hasn't got the background lexicon or knowledge of the subjects explored. I never really found myself lost, or confused because of it.

If you are interested in critically dissecting why you are as you are, and why you seemingly pertain to strict character roles within relationships; whether it is familial or with a spouse/significant other, then this book is a great place to start. Or, at least, that's how I'm left feeling after just finishing it.

I will say that the first half of the book completely captivated me, I think the phrase I used was that it was "blowing my mind." The second half however tends to fall into some repetition, with the main theme of the book (nuture over nature) being hammered home, seemingly with every other sentence. Because of this it became a bit harder to read, but as an overall experience, especially with the interesting character studies (Prince Charles, Woody Allen, etc) I would recommend it.

If you are reading this review and know of any other books on similar subjects of character, or what makes us the way we are as a person/or in a relationship, I would love your recommendations.

Find me on Twitter @stevetendo

[Elaine Mullane || Elaine and the Books · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 stars

I am a little reluctant to read books that force me to look too critically at my life, my history and my family. Self-exploration is interesting in that it can help understand ourselves and where we came from, but it can also shine a light into the dark parts, bringing memories and hurt to the forefront. A person can react two ways to this: they can either learn from it and have an even greater understanding of their past, or they can play the blame game and become a victim.

In this book, named in tribute to the famous poem, 'This Be The Verse' by Philip Larkin, Oliver James says the family is where things start to go wrong. Who we are is based on our position in the family, how our mother and father treated us, the roles we were forced to adapt and follow, how our parents favoured another sibling to us, how they understood us or did not understand us, how they manipulated us, controlled us, argued with us, were kind to us or not kind to us, for that matter. And while it initially may seem like a lot of James's observations are a little harsh, you may just come to find that they are, in fact, true.

James states at the beginning of this book that it should be read by you as a child rather than you as an adult. It is for the purpose of looking at yourself and seeing how your parents shaped your life, rather that you reading it to be critical of you as a parent. I have to admit, I read it both ways. We are brought into this world as innocents; we are vulnerable, open books. Everything is a possibility. And then we are molded into shape by those nearest and dearest to us. Our life is a script and our role in it is scripted for us, unless we are willing to change it, of course.

I did find myself becoming very interested in this book. There are some passages that I could really relate to and I found myself nodding along on more than one occasion. However, reading it as the parent of two very young children was sometimes upsetting. James suggests that most of the molding of people's lives is done in the early months and first few years of life and discussions here about a mother's choice to work really sent my mind into panic mode. When asked to categorise myself according to James's breakdowns of wobbler, clinger, punitive or weak, I started looking at my personality in a way I haven't ever done, and while it did make me a little embarrassed at times, it also helped me to see how I came to be like this. And again, it's not about the blame game, it's more about looking inward and getting some perspective. James insists that he is not trying to stir up trouble with his findings, but he certainly has some very controversial subject matter here and it is hard to disagree with a lot of it.

I am glad I took the time to read this book. I liked how it blended psychology with a bit of science, and also how James introduced autobiography and biography into his research, studying everyone from himself to Prince Charles to Woody Allen. There is such an interesting discussion of the age-old concept of Nature vs. Nurture with James leaning heavily on the side of environment over genes. While certain passages were too heavy for me, I think I certainly gained some valuable insight from this book. Without a doubt, I gained some new perspective on being a parent and raising children.

[Babs · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was very interesting, but equally pretty depressing (if you have parents like mine and equally probably if you don't). Lots of fascinating facts (tm) like sexually abused girls are more likely to start menstruating an average of six months before those who are not, and if you have been very stressed (by a variety of factors) before the age of three, then your production levels of cortisol are permanently changed, yes that's right for the rest of your life. Also, if you have no exposure to human language before the age of 6 years old, you can never learn human language (but maybe some elements of Glaswegian dialect). This is because for a human in terms of speech 6 years is what is called a Crit-i-cal Peer-i-odd.... So yes all highly interesting but I can see that what I have actually done is just already provided you with the good things about this book so maybe you don't really need to read it now.

The reasons it is not a good book are because the author is VERY VERY BAD at writing. So many times he writes something which begs another four questions, or is utterly unclear, or can be read with a variety of meanings, or contradicts something from three sentences before.... I found this extremely frustrating. In fact there are lots of scribbled pencil notes all over the pages of my copy ending in thick question marks or exclamation marks. I think he is probably just not very ordered in his thinking (which can be put down to possible emotional coldness from his mother / principal carer between the ages of 0-18 months). The other annoying thing about this book is that the author was banging a drum about the importance of nature over nurture: 1. this book did not purport to be addressing this, 2. he would often tack on "which again proves the importance of nature over nurture" in a very lame way, and 3. I am very much of this belief myself anyway so didn't need his constant non-arguments pecking away at me all the time throughout the book.

Basically I think you should read this book if you can put up with a distracted teenager's writing style, if you are bringing up young kids and want to be reminded how and why you can't afford to put a foot wrong with them, or if you want to develop and/or enhance a deep resentment against your own parents.

[Narcisa Chiric · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Această carte este adevărul neînfrumusețat" este fraza cu care autorul încheie.

Oliver James, printr-o muncă colosală de acumulare de studii și punerea altora sub semnul întrebării lansează o provocare cel puțin interesantă: este gena responsabilă pentru cum cresc copii sau mediul din care aceștia provin?

Mi-a plăcut enorm de mult toată paralela cu bolile psihice cum ar fi schizofrenia sau tulburările de personalitate care sunt în parte efectele negative a unor îngrijiri neadecvate. Cel mai bun mi s-a părut capitolul al treilea în care autorul descrie tiparele de atașament, cum se formează și cum ne vor afecta pe viitor. Atrage atenția și mamelor depresive sau incapabile din anumite motive să ofere copiilor o creștere plină de empatie.

Am subliniat mult din această carte, mi-am luat notițe și cu siguranță am învățat din ea. O carte care merită citită în special de părinții actuali - oferă o perspectivă de referință pentru viitorul copiilor.

[Marcel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has been a game-changer for me. While I wasn't sure how genes and our environment influence our lives, I'm now inclined to say—as the author suggests—that most (if not all) aspects of who we are depend entirely on our early childhood experience, age 0-6. This is of course tremendously helpful if you have a child that is currently at exactly that age.

The examples and studies cited in this book have convinced me that for the most part we are basically what? Our parents! This is a really disappointing revelation, but it has allowed me to better understand some aspects of myself and become a much better observer of my own behaviour.

I enjoyed the part of the book most where the author talks about how right-wing libertarian politics (Thatcher, Reagan) in the 1980s have shaped society in the UK/US, something which still affects us today.

I found it really helpful to understand—even though common sense to most people—that overemphasising the performance aspect in children (treating them like "assets") can have disastrous consequences in their later career, ironically making them appear extremely successful due to their obsession with work (see Woody Allen) while suffering from extreme mental and personality disorders.

I'm currently recommending this to all the parents I know and who want to better understand their role and responsibility as a primary caregiver.

[Samar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simply written the book explains the most fundamental elements to our psyche which are often years forgotten by most of us, our infancy. During the course of reading however at times faced with bitter facts, one can understand so much about not only herself but her parents, her siblings, and almost everyone one might encounter. It’s greatly enlightening, with practical ideas that have the power to make one want to make changes and see the world differently. Having finished reading it, rather than being left angry or disappointed I feel a sense of understanding has wrapped me. I believe this book is a must read for everyone especially those who think they have to have children.

[a n a · Rating 5 out of 5]

Am citit-o în limba română, de la editura Vellant, cu un titlu care nu te-ar face să îi acorzi prea mare importanță dacă nu cumva ai auzit de autor dinainte.

Cartea este fantastică, scrisă extrem de bine, cu umor și de asemenea informații care reușesc să te ademenească de la primele pagini.

[Cristian Sirb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellently written psychology book! O carte ca pâinea caldă, aș fi dorit să se tot regenereze, ca să nu se fi (să nu o fi) terminat niciodată.

Mi-a luat ceva timp s-o închei, după cum se poate constata, însă acest lucru (durata totală a lecturii) nu are deloc legătură cu valoarea sau savoarea (indiscutabilă a) cărții.

Psihologie de prima mână. Exemple practice, umor, scris cu stil, fluent. Un autor nedogmatic, deschis multor teorii terapeutice - cu accent pe neîntrecuta psihanaliză - când e vorba de explicat, înțeles & abordat terapeutic tulburările de personalitate.

Aș fi încântat dacă cineva ar accepta să-mi citească în ureche, permanent sau la cerere, pasajele cele mai cu miez din acest volum. Am extras masiv citate în jurnalul de lectură, trebuind să mă cenzurez de la un timp, ca să nu mă trezesc cu toată cartea strămutată în caietul meu.

Ezit între a o face cadou și a o păstra pentru relectură. Ambele variante m-ar bucura!

P.S. Bineînțeles că am citit-o în românește, ed. Vellant.

[Hannah W · Rating 4 out of 5]

They F*** You Up takes its title from the Larkin poem This Be The Verse, and is an introductory thesis to the idea that our personalities, and level of mental health(-y-ness) are shaped by our childhood and not by genetics. Indeed, the earlier something happens in childhood the more crucial it is for our early development, as it lays down the brain’s basic pathways and shapes what we expect to happen in future. Often people discount the importance of events in babyhood/early childhood as they can’t be remembered, but Oliver James makes it blindingly obvious that these pre-memory times are actually what set the tone of our emotional development both in childhood and as adults. At times he labours his point a little too much – to the extent where his refusal to accept any influence/interference on the part of genetics feels almost bigoted – but overall this is an insightful and well-researched book, notwithstanding the author’s thankfully occasional bad attempts at humour.

... [Read the rest of my review here: https://whathannahread.wordpress.com/...]

[Jonathan-David Jackson · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very interesting book, and one that goes farther than anything else I've ever read in nature v. nurture. The answer, according to Oliver James, is about 99.9% nurture. Plenty of evidence and examples are given, such as the fact that many child abusers were themselves abused as children, i.e. 'nurture' made them that way. Highly successful people are much more likely than anyone else to have lost a parent when they were a child, and their despair drove them to achieve. Babies born to poor, uneducated, nutritionally deficient mothers, when adopted by well-off highly educated people, become just the same as a child from those same middle-class people. Even genetically identical twins, when separated from their parents at birth, turn out very differently from each other. I have to admit, I'm convinced by him (or at least 99.9% convinced). If you have any opinion at all on the spectrum from genes to environment, I think you would be interested in this book.

Now that I have the information, though, what am I supposed to do with it? How to stop from f***ing up my own children? Other than not beating them, the book ends without anything in the way of practical advice.

[TinaGav · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best psychology book I've ever read. It took me a while to finish, as I wanted to stay and analyze every a-ha moment it had to offer. It's written in a very accessible manner, so it's easy to grasp complex psychological topics. Its style is a tad chaotic, but the neatly researched data on nature vs. nurture makes it a 5 out of 5 book. It can be life-changing or not, it depends on the reader, but it's definitely interesting and presented in a way never done before.

[Terri · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book favors the Nurture/Environment side of why we are the way we are. Pretty good book with helpful insights. Fairly graphic descriptions of abuse and violence difficult to take, but are used to illustrate how people "visit" their experiences onto others. Some bad typos...why? So many books these days are filled with them.

[Yas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book wasn't as life changing as I expected, but it did leave me with a sense of relief. It allows for introspection with some clever examples about why we are the way we are (our parents of course, hence the title), but it also leaves you feeling that all is not lost and that once we recognize these things about ourselves we can change them.

[Elizabeth K · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked this up thinking it would be useful next time I teach family communication - and it will be. James argues that personality and character are determined much more by environment than by genes, and cites seemingly valid research to back it up. He also points out that environmental variations can be subtle - for instance, it's not possible for first-born and later-born children to have the same experience of family life.

They F*** You Up may also be helpful in the gender & communication class, since students are always telling me that they and their siblings were treated exactly alike in their families, regardless of gender.

[Kulwant · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of food for thought. Should be read before having children. My 4 stars are for it providing some food for thought. At times though I thought he shoe-horns research to fit his theories. At other times, I found his theories of the different selves unhelpful because they are overly simplistic. He makes reference to some psychoanalytic concepts - to provide back up for his own perspectives. Some of the exercises might provide some limited insight; but they may also uncover issues that a person alone cannot safely deal with.

[Phoebe · Rating 4 out of 5]

When i read the synopsis I thought this book is for me. I'm fascinated by child development and how my own upbringing has made me who I am today. At times it was a bit pf a hard read due to the sciencey nature of it but otherwise made total sense to me and I loved the interactivity of it.

[Liesl Gibson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Extremely interesting. Should be required reading for any adult and, especially, those wanting to be parents. Not to mention those who already are...

[Haydn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ever wanted to know why you're so emotionally unavailable? Why you're prone to depressive episodes? Why you have an oral fetish?

This book might give you the answers.

James makes the case that traits such as these are determined in years 0-6, by the way your parents treated you, not by your genes. "So why", you may be asking," am I so different from my siblings?" Because your parents can't help treating you significantly differently. You have a specific role in the "family script".

This is certainly true - family interactions tend to follow a set structure, with each member playing a role. Also, note how you or another sibling may be able to get away with things that others simply cannot. All of these 000s of early interactions largely make you who you are. That's the theory, anyway.

I hedge with that last sentence for a reason: psychology and psychoanalysis are very difficult to "prove". This would require, as James proposes in his concluding remarks, a large-scale observational study of many families across decades. And even then this study would be subject to the other (valid) criticisms of its type.

This is why this subject, like other social "sciences", tends to become politicised. I felt James was biting his tongue at times not to talk more about how various mental illnesses, that result from early childhood mistreatment, were the result of our modern individualist, consumer-obsessed, superficial, etc. society. It's capitalism's fault, like everything else.

While I don't necessarily disagree, it frustrates me seeing this content included in "scientific" material (the same is true in the economics literature). And this is why these subjects are not sciences. Imagine trying to politicise Pythagoras's theorem or special relativity or covalent bonds. You can't. Because they're legit. There is no room for politically-driven opinions because the science speaks for itself.

That min-rant aside, this is a thoroughly enjoyable and insightful book. Recommended for everyone, particularly the traumatised.

[Liz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Valid points made, albeit within a reductionist and deterministic argument. I skipped the auditing sections as I was reading this with academic interest rather than for self-help.

James is clearly a hardcore advocate of the nurture side of the debate and will not hear of genetic influences on behaviour or even an interactive approach. If you weren't scared of fucking up your children before this then... prepare to be (the reference to how many women experience post-natal depression and how easily it can happen was also pretty alarming).

I couldn't help but scoff at his assertion that, after discussing different therapeutic approaches (psychodynamic, cognitive behavioural, etc.), no one approach was as comprehensive as his own developmental audit offered at the end of each chapter. Came across as more than a little obnoxious, particularly seeing as some of his ideas are pretty outdated now. I mean I did buy this book in 2006 and have only just read it so fair enough I guess.

The engagement factor was also lacking. Even as a psychology graduate studying a post-grad degree in education/child development I found this to be a slog. More real-life examples using former patients/celebrities would have helped to break up the lengthy explanations of developmental theory. Having said that, I always struggle with non-fiction, hence me forcing myself to read more of it.

[Nick Lucarelli · Rating 3 out of 5]

No breathing room here, the author is on a mission to convince you that every aspect of who you are - aside from a handful of mental illneses - is driven by nurture not nature, particularly that between the ages of 0 and 6. Don't agree with everything he says (I am prepared to fence sit on this issue) but nonetheless it's an insightful foray into how our interactions with family, peers and environment make us who we are, and therefore validates every bleeding heart leftie's dream of making a level socioeconomic playing field for us all to thrive from

[Antonela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cred ca acesta carte ar trebui sa fie citita de toți părinții,pentru a avea o idee asupra modului în care este influențată viața copilul de comportamentul pe care îl are părintele cu un nou născut .
Un fragment pe care mi l-am notat este acesta :"în cazul bebelușilor cu mame deprimate,s-a demonstrat ca îngrijirea lipsita de empatie modifica efectiv tiparele undelor cerebrale ale bebelușului,din sănătoase în anormale. Indiferent de temperamentul inițial al bebelușului,în emisfera dreapta a creierului se produc daune pe termen lung."

[Caysie-Maria · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful look into how parenting has shaped not only my own psychology, but that of people around me.

[Oana Mihoc · Rating 5 out of 5]

To sum it up: eye-opening, beautifully written.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an interesting read, however I'm not sure I 'buy' all of what the author is saying. James is very explicitly a behaviourist, and is adamant of the fact that it is our upbringing and how we are treated by our parents or primary caregivers that determines who we are, rather than our genes - there is no 'bit of both' in the nature vs. nurture debate as far as this author is concerned. It's all a very interesting read though, and he does make a lot of very interesting and plausible points. In short, a lot of what James writes in this book makes sense, however I'm not sure how much of this is down to a confirmation bias - your parents were angry or timid or unloving and reading that they are responsible for the same traits in you because of your upbringing causes you to agree that yes, this is the case, it is their behaviour that ultimately caused yours.

At the end of each chapter the book gives you an 'emotional audit' and poses questions for you to ask yourself and/or someone who was around when you were a young child. Some of these I found somewhat insightful to ponder over, whereas others seemed like common sense that many people would have considered already.

The author references some information from scientific studies with an assumption that the results are one way or another. He doesn't say "studies suggest that..." or "recent research has shown..", he states matter of factly that this research is correct. This may perhaps be a small complaint, but as a scientist myself, something that bothered me all the same. The case studies of famous people, too, though interesting seem to be more assumption than fact.

To be fair to James, this is a good book with a lot of useful information and most importantly, an insight into our own behaviour and how it could possibly be damaging if left unchanged.

[Alistair · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learnt some really shocking and interesting stuff about abuse and case studies in this book.It's pretty middle class, but a good read.


Contents

Prologue to the Revised Edition - xiiii

Preface - Page 1

Introduction - Page 4

Chapter 1: Our Genes - Page 12

Chapter 2: Scripting Our Family Drama - Page 35

Chapter 3: Scripting Our Conscience, Aged Three to Six - Page 93

Chapter 4: Scripting Our Relationship Patterns 151

Chapter 5: Scripting Our Sense of Self in Our First Six Months - Page 200


Chapter 6: Be Your Own Scriptwriter - Page 249

Conclusion - Page 283

Appendix 1: The Dubiousness of the Minnesota Twins Reared-Apart Study - Page 312

Appendix 2: Twin Studies - A Warning - Page 315

Appendix 3: Estimates of the Environality of Human Psychology from Twin Studies - Page 321

Notes and References - Page 325

Index - Page 373

[Cristina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good book. It explains how early childhood care affect our adulthood. And how to address this if we aren’t happy with how we are. Even tho he explains everything very well he can sometimes over do it a bit. It’s a very interesting read, and it’s great cause it has ‘self audit’ parts at the end of each chapter for you to find out what your childhood was like, how your parents care for you, what can of consciousness you have and so on. And in the final chapter he propose a number of exercises for you to have a better insight and to deal with your problems. I definitively recommend it.i would give it 3.8/5.

[JChipol · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely agree with Oliver James and think that although genetics has some part to play, we are mostly made by nurture. It is contentious and controversial - we really don't like being told that some things that happen to kids are the fault of the parents, however, I am certainly in agreement, as difficult a pill it is to swallow.

A must-read for anyone with kids- or even better- for anyone about to have kids...