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Connecting With Your Asperger Partner: Negotiating the Maze of Intimacy
Communication and intimacy can feel like a constant struggle in relationships where one partner has Asperger Syndrome (AS). For the neuro-typical partner (NT) in particular, this can be an endless source of frustration, misunderstandings, and tears. Drawing on her own experience of being married to a man with AS, Louise Weston shows that the road to intimacy begins with letting go of expectations and looking after your own physical and emotional needs. She provides tried-and-tested strategies for relating to and connecting with your AS partner, as well as useful tips for coping with hurtful words and meltdowns, helping your partner to interpret emotions, and finding further sources of help and support. Above all, she shows that although your AS/NT relationship will challenge you beyond what you ever thought possible, by letting go of expectations and respecting each others' differences, this unique partnership really can be both happy and successful. Brimming with stories and advice from other NT partners, this practical book will help NTs take positive steps towards connecting with their AS partners. It will also be a useful resource for counsellors and other professionals who wish to deepen their understanding of AS/NT relationships.
208 pages, Paperback
First published August 15, 2010
19 people are currently reading
46 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
February 12, 2013
The most annoying thing I've read in a long time. It actually made me throw up in my mouth a little.
Your husband is a PERSON, not a DOG, woman!
Your book should be titled 'Obedience training for spouses with Aspergers' or even 'without Aspergers', for that matter.
Or maybe 'How to manipulate your partner - and how it's even easier with Aspies'.
And don't get me even started on the disrespectful language (yes, it's actually 'my aspie' instead of 'my husband' throughout the entire book!!) and the presumptious attitude.
This book does absolutely do NOTHING for a better understanding of Aspergers or differently wired minds in general.
Because quite frankly, this book is NOT about Aspergers, but all about straightening out your partner to your convenience. And maybe about how to take advantage of your spouse's condition in reaching that goal, should they happen to be on the autism spectrum.
I can't remember the last time a book made me so mad.
Your husband is a PERSON, not a DOG, woman!
Your book should be titled 'Obedience training for spouses with Aspergers' or even 'without Aspergers', for that matter.
Or maybe 'How to manipulate your partner - and how it's even easier with Aspies'.
And don't get me even started on the disrespectful language (yes, it's actually 'my aspie' instead of 'my husband' throughout the entire book!!) and the presumptious attitude.
This book does absolutely do NOTHING for a better understanding of Aspergers or differently wired minds in general.
Because quite frankly, this book is NOT about Aspergers, but all about straightening out your partner to your convenience. And maybe about how to take advantage of your spouse's condition in reaching that goal, should they happen to be on the autism spectrum.
I can't remember the last time a book made me so mad.
July 11, 2012
I didn't even finish reading this, as it was written so horribly. Being married to a guy with Asperger's, I found this book insulting, as it basically says "your partner will never be what you want them to be, they will never help out, so fill in the gaps yourself and live with it." Truly negatively written. Even my husband hated it.
April 12, 2013
Three reviews from our CALEB reviewers:
(1)
Weston, herself married to someone with Aspergers, presents a well-researched, honest and compelling treatise on recognising and dealing with this difficult syndrome. It gives heart-rending insight into the world of the Asperger sufferer, and the sad, isolating and confusing life of their partners and families. However, she also provides plenty of practical, faith and hope-filled advice on how to make life, not only more bearable, but enjoyable and loving once more for the person with Asperger and their loved ones. This is an important, informative and encouraging book. WN
(2)
This is a truly helpful book. Well done.
Bookseller’s Choice – reviewer CALEB Prize
(3)
Living with an Asperger’s sufferer is never easy and often frustrating but nevertheless with understanding and commitment life can be enriching, rewarding and successful for both the Asperger and partner.
Asperger’s Syndrome is a neuro-development disorder where the brain is wired differently from that of the majority of people. This results in both the sufferer and the partner having to negotiate mutually compatible skills to enable communication and understanding.
In Connecting with Your Asperger Partner, Louise Weston gifts readers with frequent glimpses into her own personal world. It is both a privilege and honour to journey with her and many others who contribute stories, hints on how to manage the unmanageable and maintain balance in their somewhat difficult and dizzy topsy-turvy world.
I would recommend this book as a must-read for all with an Asperger partner and as an invaluable helping tool for pastors and counsellors. I personally gained much knowledge of what is needed to deal with and survive this little known disorder.
One significant criticism is that throughout the book the sufferer is referred to as an Aspie. This is explained as a term of affection and while this is undoubtedly true, the knowledge did not prevent me from feeling considerable irritation. However, this was more than compensated for by the excellent content.
(1)
Weston, herself married to someone with Aspergers, presents a well-researched, honest and compelling treatise on recognising and dealing with this difficult syndrome. It gives heart-rending insight into the world of the Asperger sufferer, and the sad, isolating and confusing life of their partners and families. However, she also provides plenty of practical, faith and hope-filled advice on how to make life, not only more bearable, but enjoyable and loving once more for the person with Asperger and their loved ones. This is an important, informative and encouraging book. WN
(2)
This is a truly helpful book. Well done.
Bookseller’s Choice – reviewer CALEB Prize
(3)
Living with an Asperger’s sufferer is never easy and often frustrating but nevertheless with understanding and commitment life can be enriching, rewarding and successful for both the Asperger and partner.
Asperger’s Syndrome is a neuro-development disorder where the brain is wired differently from that of the majority of people. This results in both the sufferer and the partner having to negotiate mutually compatible skills to enable communication and understanding.
In Connecting with Your Asperger Partner, Louise Weston gifts readers with frequent glimpses into her own personal world. It is both a privilege and honour to journey with her and many others who contribute stories, hints on how to manage the unmanageable and maintain balance in their somewhat difficult and dizzy topsy-turvy world.
I would recommend this book as a must-read for all with an Asperger partner and as an invaluable helping tool for pastors and counsellors. I personally gained much knowledge of what is needed to deal with and survive this little known disorder.
One significant criticism is that throughout the book the sufferer is referred to as an Aspie. This is explained as a term of affection and while this is undoubtedly true, the knowledge did not prevent me from feeling considerable irritation. However, this was more than compensated for by the excellent content.
January 23, 2016
A very practical, helpful book for anyone in a close relationship with someone with Asperger's Sydrome.
June 11, 2017
This was interesting. I began reading it after a nasty misunderstanding with my spouse and found some helpful coping mechanisms within. The main reason I'm giving it just three stars is that it was focused so intensely on keeping the Aspie partner at ease and calm above everything else that I felt like it didn't address the fact that the neuro-typical partner also has needs which are just as important. I didn't like the fact that it seemed to be telling me the entire way through that my needs were secondary to my spouse. In my opinion, any relationship should be based upon equality regardless of the brain chemistry of one partner or the other. While I greatly appreciated the sections that did offer insights into how to better communicate--something that has always been difficult for us--I just couldn't shake the overall sense that the authors placed the Aspie partner in a place of higher importance. That's not how I want my marriage to work.
I fully admit that perhaps I'm too jaded and sad for this to have really been as effective as I was hoping it would be. As previously mentioned, there was some helpful advice, so if you find yourself in this type of relationship, it may be worth a gander. It just didn't entirely work for me.
I fully admit that perhaps I'm too jaded and sad for this to have really been as effective as I was hoping it would be. As previously mentioned, there was some helpful advice, so if you find yourself in this type of relationship, it may be worth a gander. It just didn't entirely work for me.
April 18, 2024
Didn't like. Didn't finish. This review is very negative. Sorry to the author who, I'm certain, did her best and meant the best.
This book made me feel hopeless and depressed. I felt more alone in my marriage while reading this book. I was hoping that since there were Christian references, I would be able to find meaning, hope, and God within this, but I was truly disappointed.
Much of the first part of the book is about letting go of expectations. I started to question my marriage and whether I could live with someone who could never meet my needs. Like, my needs are important too; This book positions the neurodivergent person as being dumb, incapable, and selfish. That's not the case with my partner. He's kind, helpful, does his best, and wants to do the best. The author focuses on changing yourself to suit your partner without placing any ownus on the neurodiverse partner doing ANYTHING. The NT partner is even referred to as the "secretary."(p.65) Confusingly, it goes on to ask the NT partner to evaluate, "Are you giving too much?"
Well.... yes? No? What am I meant to do: be his secretary or take care of myself? According to the book, both. I haven't learnt how to do that.
Some quotes:
"Try not to expect empathy/caring" - p. 30
How fun. What a loving marriage.
"If you stop having expectations of your partner, their performance anxiety will be reduced, possibly resulting in them drawing a little closer and you receiving some unexpected attention" - p. 33
So, meet your own needs and don't expect anything from your partner. Be married to someone who may never love you the way you need. How bleak. Meet his needs while not expecting him to meet yours. Surely, the expectation of a partnership requires both parties to work on themselves?
"Make a life for yourself" - p.68
This advice sounds like the person doing it already has one foot out the door.
Despite this, there are lots of practical things for you to do within this book. At the end of the chapters there is a dot point list of practical take away tips.
However, in my personal experience, most of the advice came across as patronising and as though your partner is a child who doesn't, and never will, know better.
I started reading Ashley Standford's book "Asperger Syndrome and long term relationships" and, so far, it's filled me with more hope than Weston's book.
This book made me feel hopeless and depressed. I felt more alone in my marriage while reading this book. I was hoping that since there were Christian references, I would be able to find meaning, hope, and God within this, but I was truly disappointed.
Much of the first part of the book is about letting go of expectations. I started to question my marriage and whether I could live with someone who could never meet my needs. Like, my needs are important too; This book positions the neurodivergent person as being dumb, incapable, and selfish. That's not the case with my partner. He's kind, helpful, does his best, and wants to do the best. The author focuses on changing yourself to suit your partner without placing any ownus on the neurodiverse partner doing ANYTHING. The NT partner is even referred to as the "secretary."(p.65) Confusingly, it goes on to ask the NT partner to evaluate, "Are you giving too much?"
Well.... yes? No? What am I meant to do: be his secretary or take care of myself? According to the book, both. I haven't learnt how to do that.
Some quotes:
"Try not to expect empathy/caring" - p. 30
How fun. What a loving marriage.
"If you stop having expectations of your partner, their performance anxiety will be reduced, possibly resulting in them drawing a little closer and you receiving some unexpected attention" - p. 33
So, meet your own needs and don't expect anything from your partner. Be married to someone who may never love you the way you need. How bleak. Meet his needs while not expecting him to meet yours. Surely, the expectation of a partnership requires both parties to work on themselves?
"Make a life for yourself" - p.68
This advice sounds like the person doing it already has one foot out the door.
Despite this, there are lots of practical things for you to do within this book. At the end of the chapters there is a dot point list of practical take away tips.
However, in my personal experience, most of the advice came across as patronising and as though your partner is a child who doesn't, and never will, know better.
I started reading Ashley Standford's book "Asperger Syndrome and long term relationships" and, so far, it's filled me with more hope than Weston's book.
April 4, 2019
How I wish my husband and I could have known about this book and had it to help us when we were married. We both feel it would/could have saved our marriage. My undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome was clearly a huge factor in our eventual divorce.
Highly recommended for anyone who has a partner or family member with Asperger's syndrome (now known in DSM-V as "autism spectrum disorder without intellectual or verbal impairment"), whether diagnosed or just suspected. The "enemy" is the limitations of the autism, not your partner. Once you can both face that "enemy" together as allies, there is so much more hope for your partnership.
September 19, 2018
Really helpful,practical advice that focuses on both the NT and AS partner and how they can work together.
August 27, 2019
Informative
the Informative, personal perspective, accessible style make this a good starting point into the journey of understanding a partner on the spectrum.
the Informative, personal perspective, accessible style make this a good starting point into the journey of understanding a partner on the spectrum.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews