Sitting across from me he continues telling me about his life. I don’t particularly like him or find him interesting, at least not as interesting as he finds himself. Laying a line of cocaine on the tabletop, he snorts it then orders another drink. There is one exception which has and still runs through our conversation. His life is lived not only for creativity but for reaching, for further and new means of reaching. This is the experience which provides the meaning in his life. I’m coming to see that it is his life.
His early years he told me, reluctant at first, in East St. Luis he mostly played his trumpet. Sleight of build he didn’t roam the streets looking for fights. His father was a dentist and for that neighborhood they had enough money. It wasn’t socioeconomic or some determination of will. He described it, palms flat on the table, as a following of his nature.
I admire the sheer immersion in his music played through his trumpet and the ongoing composition of melodies and themes flooding his mind. Trying to explain to him while refusing a hit of the coke, that I’m unschooled in music and that personally I have no hint of a talent. What though has struck me, I try to explain as he downs his drink with a small pill, is the phrase he used two minutes ago, that he plays, Sheets Of Music. Rather than labeling what it is he wants people to hear through some form of instrumentation he creates an unwinding tone, sheets, where the listener experiences a feeling which has no words. I try to compare it to writing but it isn’t quite the same, writing not quite as direct.
People drift to our table embedded in the dark of a corner wanting his autograph, a photo to be taken with him. I’m supposed to take the picture but explain I don’t know how to work it. They take their camera and leave. He nods a thanks. I explain that I was telling the truth. Others still gather, hover, and he coldly ignores them until they scatter and are gone. When they are all gone he tells me they are “mother fuckers”. He has used this cursed phrase frequently through our conversation. It has meant many things while carrying a beat and a resonance. But why of all testimonies of cursing, “mother fuckers”?
It is a small club. He points to some of his band members while describing all the lands, experiences, and interesting people he has met through his constant travel. Ordering another drink he lights a cigarette. His band members are his family, not just them but his mentors and the legends he has played with, joined with as friends in a culture where change of personnel within a band and in life is so frequent that little stays long enough within the furrows of soil to take root. It is personified by the nickname of one who was special to him, Bird, the great Charley Parker, his revolutionary style of runs of fluttering notes. In my own fluttering way, hesitant, a word which I doubt Miles is familiar with, I throw in an awkward question, if he doesn’t have a family? I mean a blood family?
What’s blood, he tells me those dark eyes boring into me, not a ruthlessness that I was warned about but a blunt force, an insistent truth. Relentless. Earlier he told me that was all there is. If he gave me the horn to play, me being white, not referring to race he pointed out matter of fact as everything he said was matter of fact, you’d play like the records you listened to. But as bad as those “motherfuckers” might be you would have to find your own way of playing the horn. See, that’s what it’s about finding your own way of playing then taking it deeper, deeper within yourself. If your an artist you don’t have a choice. It’s a curse. You get that? Then you innovate. Every morning you wake up your mind begins innovating. You don’t choose it. It chooses you. So, my blood is with the people who are like me, that I played with, played off of, played against, each pushing the other to play above what we knew. Those experiences … you listening? Yes sir, I said before I could catch the words. Don’t call me that. That’s as bad as some “motherfucker” calling me a legend. I don’t want to backed into and cornered by no labels.
I gathered my strength, my steam, refusing another line of coke, tried playing the notes above my stuttering faltering voice, and asked what about his kids, his wife. The two son’s he ignored and grew into trouble and failure? Immediately he dismissed them as huge disappointments. He missed, I wanted to tell him, holding the constant bore of his eyes at bay, that the boys difficulties in life may well have stemmed from his abandoning them, his continous playing on tour and rarely there. Even when there he went to the clubs on 52nd street in Harlem. The small clubs were next door to each other or across the street. There, was the birth of the new music, Bebop. When a set finished the musicians went to another club and sat in. This family of “mother fuckers” were bad, they played bad, they gathered within the warmth of their own kin, creativity and innovation tending a current firing through all. Explosive moments of living beyond reach.
He lit another cigarette as he crushed the last one into the filling ashtray. Nobody asks to be an artist. It’s a bad ass “motherfucker”. But you wouldn’t have any of the great music, paintings, sculpture, if those artists didn’t follow their call but instead dedicated themselves to domesticity. Like it or not being an artist is a full time concern. I think it was the right thing to do. The only thing to do, he said downing another pain pill. I understand others not agreeing with it. I understand a lot of people then thinking I’m a hypocrite for all the time, daily, nightly, I spend with women. They have their opinion, I have mine. I respect that. It’s something I have to have and it’s always there. Women want to be with Miles. You see I have what they call an addictive personality. Another thing I didn’t ask for but here it is.
I wanted to know why he treated women the way he did, using them as disposable items, even at times beating them. Why, sitting there as he recounted his life, he turned it around and found ways of blaming them? Why he kept saying “mother fucker”. He said little about his mother. Off hand as usual he skirted using any freudian explanations. Explanations were rare, hardly present. But the explanation of addictive personality grated on me. What is addictive and what is an obsession? Is there a difference? It seems to me listening to him but escaping the heat of those dark eyes for a moment, that addiction refers to a physical organic malady that must be contended with and an obsession, well that is something emotional, psychological. It’s there to provide an unwitting illusory sense of control in the tumultuous whirlwind of life? Provide an unconscious escape from unwelcome or even terrifying feelings carried within some dark webbed corner of personal being?
Where are you white boy? I’m telling you things you need to know. This is a whole different culture here, a whole different world. You see that’s a big problem Black people created the only great musical contribution to the world in this country. Jazz. We’ve sure had our hand in Gospel, the Blues, Soul too. And guess what, we’re anointed by the recording industry as legends. Our new music which always becomes new each time we play. You see don’t you, he signals the waitress and quickly returns, that then some of the white players can copy some of those licks and the recording companies, all of them white, can promote them. I come back from a long tour in Europe, Japan too, and I find all our music is now the white man’s music. You see what I’m saying to you?
Anyway it’s time to play my set, I hear him mumble. I reach for my wallet. His hand covers my other hand on the table. It presses down. He tells me that nobody, no matter how “mother fucking nice a guy he is, pays Mile’s tab. You understand? Before I could answer he disappears into the darkness then reappears on the lit platform stage his trumpet held for a moment aloft. The notes filled with layers of emotions, beautifully unsettling, fill the room. I close my eyes lifted to somewhere I had never been before.