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The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study
Finally in paperback, the New York Times bestseller that has fundamentally changed the way children of divorce see themselves as adults--updated with a new preface by the author.
Divorce is at once a widespread reality and a painful decision, so it is no surprise that this landmark study of its long-term effects should both spark debate and find a large audience.
In this compelling, thought-provoking book, Judith Wallerstein explains that, while children do learn to cope with divorce, it in fact takes its greatest toll in adulthood, when the sons and daughters of divorced parents embark on romantic relationships of their own. Wallerstein sensitively illustrates how children of divorce often feel that their relationships are doomed, seek to avoid conflict, and fear commitment. Failure in their loving relationships often seems to them preordained, even when things are going smoothly. As Wallerstein checks in on the adults she first encountered as youngsters more than twenty-five years ago, she finds that their experiences mesh with those of the millions of other children of divorce, who will find themselves on every page.
With more than 100,000 copies in print, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce spent three weeks on the New York Times , San Francisco Chronicle , and Denver Post bestseller lists. The book was also featured on two episodes of Oprah as well as on the front cover of Time and the New York Times Book Review .
Divorce is at once a widespread reality and a painful decision, so it is no surprise that this landmark study of its long-term effects should both spark debate and find a large audience.
In this compelling, thought-provoking book, Judith Wallerstein explains that, while children do learn to cope with divorce, it in fact takes its greatest toll in adulthood, when the sons and daughters of divorced parents embark on romantic relationships of their own. Wallerstein sensitively illustrates how children of divorce often feel that their relationships are doomed, seek to avoid conflict, and fear commitment. Failure in their loving relationships often seems to them preordained, even when things are going smoothly. As Wallerstein checks in on the adults she first encountered as youngsters more than twenty-five years ago, she finds that their experiences mesh with those of the millions of other children of divorce, who will find themselves on every page.
With more than 100,000 copies in print, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce spent three weeks on the New York Times , San Francisco Chronicle , and Denver Post bestseller lists. The book was also featured on two episodes of Oprah as well as on the front cover of Time and the New York Times Book Review .
351 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2000
148 people are currently reading
1255 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 160 reviews
March 23, 2009
This is a fantastic book, and I highly recommend it to everyone, even if you don't think it could possibly have anything to do with your life. The fact is, divorce is such an overwhelmingly prevalent part of our society now, and our culture, and a lot of us are working with some serious misconceptions about just what its full implications are, especially for children. People who grew up with divorced parents will find this book both validating and troubling. People who work with divorced families (as a teacher, therapist, or lawyer for instance) will gain valuable insights. Most of all, if you are the parent of a child and you are divorced or are considering getting a divorce, you need to read this book. It will be a hard read, as Wallerstein's study revealed some upsetting truths, and she pulls no punches in her presentation of the facts, but it's something you need to know, and owe it to your child to learn.
The biggest myth about divorce is what Wallerstein refers to as the idea of "trickle-down happiness." Like trickle-down economics, it looks great on paper--logical, neat, good for everybody involved--but doesn't work out quite as smoothly in real life. When I was going through a very rough patch in my own life a few years back, and considering leaving my marriage (which in hindsight was obviously a very poor "band aid" solution that would have done nothing to help and much to harm) many people, trying to be helpful and "empowering," said to me, "you need to pursue your happiness and your bliss, even if that means splitting up the family, because you owe it to your daughter. If you are happy, she will be happy! " This sounds logical enough, but as Wallerstein demonstrates for us over and over again, it's just not true. It's a big fat lie we tell ourselves as adults to feel better about the extent to which we are failing our children by attending first and foremost to our own desires, selfish pursuits, and agendas. Happiness does not "trickle down" and while a child may take some emotional cues from her mother or father, she's not going to magically feel just as happy as they do even if they are turning her world upside down and betraying her need to feel absolute security.
Intuitively I knew that people were selling me a load of you know what, back in that troubled moment, but reading Wallerstein's book sealed it for me, with facts, data, and interviews. I wish someone had sat me down and spelled out for me what she does in this book, it would have snapped me out of the funk a lot faster than all the enabling clap-trap. Anyone who is thinking about whether they should leave or "stay together for the kids," or who believes that it's better to have "divorced and happy parents than married and discontent ones" needs to read this book and see how much more complicated and distressing the truth is. A sobering read for anyone who cares about kids, families, and society.
The biggest myth about divorce is what Wallerstein refers to as the idea of "trickle-down happiness." Like trickle-down economics, it looks great on paper--logical, neat, good for everybody involved--but doesn't work out quite as smoothly in real life. When I was going through a very rough patch in my own life a few years back, and considering leaving my marriage (which in hindsight was obviously a very poor "band aid" solution that would have done nothing to help and much to harm) many people, trying to be helpful and "empowering," said to me, "you need to pursue your happiness and your bliss, even if that means splitting up the family, because you owe it to your daughter. If you are happy, she will be happy! " This sounds logical enough, but as Wallerstein demonstrates for us over and over again, it's just not true. It's a big fat lie we tell ourselves as adults to feel better about the extent to which we are failing our children by attending first and foremost to our own desires, selfish pursuits, and agendas. Happiness does not "trickle down" and while a child may take some emotional cues from her mother or father, she's not going to magically feel just as happy as they do even if they are turning her world upside down and betraying her need to feel absolute security.
Intuitively I knew that people were selling me a load of you know what, back in that troubled moment, but reading Wallerstein's book sealed it for me, with facts, data, and interviews. I wish someone had sat me down and spelled out for me what she does in this book, it would have snapped me out of the funk a lot faster than all the enabling clap-trap. Anyone who is thinking about whether they should leave or "stay together for the kids," or who believes that it's better to have "divorced and happy parents than married and discontent ones" needs to read this book and see how much more complicated and distressing the truth is. A sobering read for anyone who cares about kids, families, and society.
September 25, 2012
Read this book. If you're divorced, read it. If you're thinking about getting divorced, read it. If you're the child of divorced parents, read it. If you're married to a child of divorced parents like I am, read it. Honestly, if there's one issue that looms like an 800 lb gorilla in our culture today, it's the way marriage and family has fallen apart, been shifted, reassembled and redefined. The ramifications of the social upheaval of the family absolutely underlie *everything*. I honestly believe everyone should read this because somehow, in some way, divorce has touched your life, even if it wasn't your own or you're not a child of divorce!!!
I picked up this book because I wanted to understand the journey my husband has been through in his life. I am the product of an extremely happy, intact marriage that is still literally sending out waves of love today. I am totally blessed. But coming from this position of privilege, it has been extremely hard for me to understand what my husband's childhood was like and how the divorce experience still affects the way he experiences and processes life to this very day. This book helped take me there and begin to understand parts of his experience from the moment his parent's marriage ended to intervals of 5, 10, 15 and 25 years post-divorce. It's an enlightening, heartbreaking, enraging read and I think it firmly upends the notion that the kids will be "okay" after the divorce. Some will, many more will not and all will have some sort of psychic scars that appear to last a lifetime (guess we'll have to see if this study gets extended to 35, 45 and 55 yr intervals?)
I think the researcher and her team did an excellent job presenting the material fairly, acknowledging that sometimes divorce is inevitable, but still showing that many of the platitudes and beliefs we, as a society, hold about divorce are just not true. Overwhelmingly, the evidence shows that children of divorce are major collateral damage and so often, their thoughts, feelings, concerns, opinions and so forth are not on the table for discussion. Even when the splitting couple seems to be advocating for the child's best interests, the long term developmental needs of their children aren't factored into the equation. For example, the visitation arrangement for a parent and 5 year old should evolve to the needs of the child over time, not a one-size-fits all arrangement that is expected to equally fit the needs of a 15 year old.
While the researchers did not use a control group per se, they did use a comparison group for the 25 year check-in with their original subjects. This I found fascinating too, especially when viewed through the experiences of children who came from a marriage that wasn't happy and could have resulted in divorce but didn't. Want to know more about that? Read the book! (Slight spoiler: these kids fared better than their peers who lived through a divorce.)
I took out this book from the library but in retrospect, I wish I owned it. I took notes throughout and would have loved to highlight insights that not only gave me compassion for my husband's experience, but have opened my eyes to the reality that so many children of divorce (whether they are still children or they are now adults) live with on a daily basis. Can't say enough good about this one - a highly recommended read.
I picked up this book because I wanted to understand the journey my husband has been through in his life. I am the product of an extremely happy, intact marriage that is still literally sending out waves of love today. I am totally blessed. But coming from this position of privilege, it has been extremely hard for me to understand what my husband's childhood was like and how the divorce experience still affects the way he experiences and processes life to this very day. This book helped take me there and begin to understand parts of his experience from the moment his parent's marriage ended to intervals of 5, 10, 15 and 25 years post-divorce. It's an enlightening, heartbreaking, enraging read and I think it firmly upends the notion that the kids will be "okay" after the divorce. Some will, many more will not and all will have some sort of psychic scars that appear to last a lifetime (guess we'll have to see if this study gets extended to 35, 45 and 55 yr intervals?)
I think the researcher and her team did an excellent job presenting the material fairly, acknowledging that sometimes divorce is inevitable, but still showing that many of the platitudes and beliefs we, as a society, hold about divorce are just not true. Overwhelmingly, the evidence shows that children of divorce are major collateral damage and so often, their thoughts, feelings, concerns, opinions and so forth are not on the table for discussion. Even when the splitting couple seems to be advocating for the child's best interests, the long term developmental needs of their children aren't factored into the equation. For example, the visitation arrangement for a parent and 5 year old should evolve to the needs of the child over time, not a one-size-fits all arrangement that is expected to equally fit the needs of a 15 year old.
While the researchers did not use a control group per se, they did use a comparison group for the 25 year check-in with their original subjects. This I found fascinating too, especially when viewed through the experiences of children who came from a marriage that wasn't happy and could have resulted in divorce but didn't. Want to know more about that? Read the book! (Slight spoiler: these kids fared better than their peers who lived through a divorce.)
I took out this book from the library but in retrospect, I wish I owned it. I took notes throughout and would have loved to highlight insights that not only gave me compassion for my husband's experience, but have opened my eyes to the reality that so many children of divorce (whether they are still children or they are now adults) live with on a daily basis. Can't say enough good about this one - a highly recommended read.
May 9, 2008
basically it goes like this:
people had a theory that divorce wasn't so bad for the kids.
apparently it's pretty bad for the kids.
so much so that, psychologically in later years, people are still dealing with their feelings.
these feelings come in systematic packages.
to wit: difficulty having faith in the endurance of relationships.
...
i confirm all the above, but unfortunately the substance of this book is about enough to fill a NYT mag article. so many nonfiction books are like that! read the first 50-100 pages if you're a child of divorce, and skip all the rest; Wallerstein gets into some heavy sexism later on (moms nurture, dads roughhouse... and thems the way it should be).
but!
if you ARE a c.o.d., recommended, if only for the confirmation that there are systematic differences between us and children of "intact marriages," both good and bad: we're more resilient and harder working! and we're likely to do drugs and sleep around more!
people had a theory that divorce wasn't so bad for the kids.
apparently it's pretty bad for the kids.
so much so that, psychologically in later years, people are still dealing with their feelings.
these feelings come in systematic packages.
to wit: difficulty having faith in the endurance of relationships.
...
i confirm all the above, but unfortunately the substance of this book is about enough to fill a NYT mag article. so many nonfiction books are like that! read the first 50-100 pages if you're a child of divorce, and skip all the rest; Wallerstein gets into some heavy sexism later on (moms nurture, dads roughhouse... and thems the way it should be).
but!
if you ARE a c.o.d., recommended, if only for the confirmation that there are systematic differences between us and children of "intact marriages," both good and bad: we're more resilient and harder working! and we're likely to do drugs and sleep around more!
August 7, 2007
This is an extremely interesting, sometimes harrowing, book about the issues that children of divorce commonly face. Seeing some of my own angst so clearly described on the page was scary at times, but also eye-opening. I'm still a little freaked out, but I've been recommending this to everyone I know whose parents are divorced. Maybe we can make our own children's lives a little better.
June 19, 2015
Four and a half stars. I borrowed this from my sister in law and am going to have to buy her a new copy, I've thumbed it so well these past two months. I took a college writing course my senior year of high school and the concluding project was a 25 page term paper. I chose the topic of how divorce affected children. My parents had divorced some years previously and at that time I knew very few people who were divorced. I had to dig much harder than I thought I would to find enough source materials for the paper. I knew from personal experience how divorce could affect children and I got an A on the paper but tracking down data to support my experiences was rather challenging.
Well, the times have changed and I doubt there's a kid out there unfamiliar with divorce these days. Whether you are divorced, thinking about divorce, a child of divorce or an educator or social worker or a part of the court system I highly recommend reading this book. First published in 2000 it is not a new work but it's premise was what caught my eye - a 25 year study that followed up not only on the children of divorce but their peers, from their neighborhoods, whose parents did not divorce, whether they were happily married or not. What differences would they find between these peer groups from the same basic socio economic background over the course of 25 years? Some were rather predictable but some not so much.
One of my most valuable take aways was that she points out that there is a third party in many divorces, the children, and that as a society, outside of setting up visitation and some child support, not one has really considered the needs of the children over time. That as a society we have bought into the myth that if the parents are happier following divorce then that happiness will simply trickle down to the children. But it doesn't. Not to spread blame and guilt, I imagine sometimes it does work out this way but once the divorce is final the kids are expected to just be happy with what they get, whether or not it meets their needs and wishes several years down the road as they change and mature. Or don't. Many of the outcomes I could have predicted but some took me by surprise, such as the data indicating that children of divorce or less vested in supporting their aging parents. Apparently having failed to support their children this is a sort of turn about is fair play, what goes around comes around type behavior. This has huge implications for the future with an aging population. And there's lots of food for thought in this book. And we'd better start thinking and chewing it over because 15 years down the road from the publication of this book I don't see any improvements on the horizon.
Well, the times have changed and I doubt there's a kid out there unfamiliar with divorce these days. Whether you are divorced, thinking about divorce, a child of divorce or an educator or social worker or a part of the court system I highly recommend reading this book. First published in 2000 it is not a new work but it's premise was what caught my eye - a 25 year study that followed up not only on the children of divorce but their peers, from their neighborhoods, whose parents did not divorce, whether they were happily married or not. What differences would they find between these peer groups from the same basic socio economic background over the course of 25 years? Some were rather predictable but some not so much.
One of my most valuable take aways was that she points out that there is a third party in many divorces, the children, and that as a society, outside of setting up visitation and some child support, not one has really considered the needs of the children over time. That as a society we have bought into the myth that if the parents are happier following divorce then that happiness will simply trickle down to the children. But it doesn't. Not to spread blame and guilt, I imagine sometimes it does work out this way but once the divorce is final the kids are expected to just be happy with what they get, whether or not it meets their needs and wishes several years down the road as they change and mature. Or don't. Many of the outcomes I could have predicted but some took me by surprise, such as the data indicating that children of divorce or less vested in supporting their aging parents. Apparently having failed to support their children this is a sort of turn about is fair play, what goes around comes around type behavior. This has huge implications for the future with an aging population. And there's lots of food for thought in this book. And we'd better start thinking and chewing it over because 15 years down the road from the publication of this book I don't see any improvements on the horizon.
August 16, 2024
A must-read for any child of divorce or parent considering, or filing for, divorce. The author makes clear that she is not anti-divorce, but this is research-based, non-biased work that shows how harmful divorce is. Spoiler: divorce is very bad for children, and even if one or both parents come out of it happier, the happiness does not “trickle down” to their kids (as divorcing parents tell themselves to feel better)… their children will be forever damaged by their decision to divorce - yes even among couples who are civil and kind to each other postdivorce.
I was 14 when my parents split but still relate to a lot of the common issues that children of divorce experience. My heart truly breaks for young children who become children of divorce and the fact that we live in such a blind, selfish “divorce” culture where individual happiness usually trumps the good of a family and the common good. Children deserve at least one nurturing and wholly devoted parent, and after divorce it is incredibly rare for them to have one (read the book if you disagree). The world-shattering loss of not just your intact home and stable family, but most of the time and attention of your parent(s) is far too much for kindergarteners (for example) to deal with, and they should not have to.
The book is a little dated and I’d love to see some more recent studies/information. I am left reflecting on how we might create a society of stronger marriages and thus stronger families and how we can encourage people to be steadfastly committed to their spouse, truly for better or worse, before bringing children into their relationship.
I was 14 when my parents split but still relate to a lot of the common issues that children of divorce experience. My heart truly breaks for young children who become children of divorce and the fact that we live in such a blind, selfish “divorce” culture where individual happiness usually trumps the good of a family and the common good. Children deserve at least one nurturing and wholly devoted parent, and after divorce it is incredibly rare for them to have one (read the book if you disagree). The world-shattering loss of not just your intact home and stable family, but most of the time and attention of your parent(s) is far too much for kindergarteners (for example) to deal with, and they should not have to.
The book is a little dated and I’d love to see some more recent studies/information. I am left reflecting on how we might create a society of stronger marriages and thus stronger families and how we can encourage people to be steadfastly committed to their spouse, truly for better or worse, before bringing children into their relationship.
August 9, 2016
A sobering, invaluable read.
I read this as a child of divorce, to better understand myself and the so-called baggage I bring to adulthood. As many introverts have said that the book Quiet really spoke to them, this book spoke to me, though my parents divorced when I was a senior in high school, so I escaped the custody battles and had a very stable childhood. In many, many ways, I was and am lucky. Reading this book made me realize that, in comparison, I am very lucky to have had the divorce experience that I did. Not easy, but it could have been way worse. Plus I am blessed with two parents with whom I've got an incredibly open and honest and loving relationship...that sure helps when looking back and trying to figure things out.
It was sobering to read the bottom line of this 25 year study: That kids who grow up with divorced families/parents cope just fine, but the stress and psychological problems caused from divorce "grow to a crescendo" in adulthood, where they/we often have problems with adult romantic relationships for a bunch of reasons. This was different from what I always thought--that divorce caused a "ripple effect" in my life, where the ripples never really end but the effects do slow over time.
If you're a child of divorce, this book is probably one you should read. If you're raising children of divorce, you must read this book.
I read this as a child of divorce, to better understand myself and the so-called baggage I bring to adulthood. As many introverts have said that the book Quiet really spoke to them, this book spoke to me, though my parents divorced when I was a senior in high school, so I escaped the custody battles and had a very stable childhood. In many, many ways, I was and am lucky. Reading this book made me realize that, in comparison, I am very lucky to have had the divorce experience that I did. Not easy, but it could have been way worse. Plus I am blessed with two parents with whom I've got an incredibly open and honest and loving relationship...that sure helps when looking back and trying to figure things out.
It was sobering to read the bottom line of this 25 year study: That kids who grow up with divorced families/parents cope just fine, but the stress and psychological problems caused from divorce "grow to a crescendo" in adulthood, where they/we often have problems with adult romantic relationships for a bunch of reasons. This was different from what I always thought--that divorce caused a "ripple effect" in my life, where the ripples never really end but the effects do slow over time.
If you're a child of divorce, this book is probably one you should read. If you're raising children of divorce, you must read this book.
January 19, 2013
This book was informative, to be sure. If nothing else, it alerted me to the ways that divorce affects children which, of course, should be of paramount concern when one considers whether or not to divorce a spouse. However, this book is, specifically, about the effects of divorce on children, not the effects upon the divorcing parents. It is not a book about whether the decision to divorce is a right or wrong one and the author makes no attempt to offer an opinion about the importance of a divorcing-parent's own needs in the period leading up to a decision to divorce. That is to say that, as a reader, I wonder if the author feels that the level of unhappiness in a relationship can reach a point that divorce is, in fact, appropriate. When does the "unexpected legacy of divorce" become the necessary price of harmony and the chance at a more well-balanced life for all?
May 25, 2020
A really interesting and important read. It was a little long for my taste, but I think that the points it makes about divorce are so important for our society to consider. You don't just get over divorce. Kids continue to deal with the ramifications for the rest of their lives, so be prepared to be patient and loving even long after the marriage has ended.
September 6, 2021
Listened to the audio book. Some interesting parts but didn’t get a ton of new info from it. Some parts came across sexist/ dated. Nothing she said seemed all that remarkable to me in terms of her research. I’d recommend it more for couples with kids considering divorce rather than children of divorce.
January 4, 2021
This was heavy, and took a while to get through. Some triggers, some tears. But so very insightful... This is a book I’ll recommend to any adult child of divorce, anyone married to an adult child of divorce, and anyone in ministry/counseling working with adult children of divorce.
August 3, 2024
This was a very eye-opening book. Many people would benefit from reading it. It highlights many incorrect ideas people have about divorce and how to minimize the damage to children as much as possible. I haven’t experienced divorce as a parent or child, but I was surprised by how many incorrect things I just assumed were true.
However, I’m not convinced this book covers the full range of divorces. I’ve known children of divorce who wanted their parents to get divorced. That doesn’t mean they escaped unscathed, but I believe in extreme situations where the violence is bad enough and directed at the children too, and they’re old enough to understand what’s going on, they may wish for a divorce.
The author tries to provide comparable examples of intact families to compare to divorced families, but her counterpart to a divorced family with a violent father was one where both parents were violent alcoholics. The children sometimes wished their parents would divorce but didn’t want to live with either of them. To me, this isn’t a similar situation. If she had provided an example where only one parent was abusive and they remained together, I think those divorce fantasies would have been much stronger.
Basically, I think she made a mistake by excluding cases of children who were being abused by one parent or who witnessed violence for a long time. It wouldn’t have damaged her thesis to include situations where the children hoped for a divorce. They still would have experienced long-term repercussions, probably even more than the others because their original situation was so bad.
I also would have liked to see cases where the parents divorced when the child was too young to be aware of it. How does that compare to single motherhood? Is it better to have never had a present father than to lose one early on?
Even though I still have a lot of questions, what is in the book is very valuable.
However, I’m not convinced this book covers the full range of divorces. I’ve known children of divorce who wanted their parents to get divorced. That doesn’t mean they escaped unscathed, but I believe in extreme situations where the violence is bad enough and directed at the children too, and they’re old enough to understand what’s going on, they may wish for a divorce.
The author tries to provide comparable examples of intact families to compare to divorced families, but her counterpart to a divorced family with a violent father was one where both parents were violent alcoholics. The children sometimes wished their parents would divorce but didn’t want to live with either of them. To me, this isn’t a similar situation. If she had provided an example where only one parent was abusive and they remained together, I think those divorce fantasies would have been much stronger.
Basically, I think she made a mistake by excluding cases of children who were being abused by one parent or who witnessed violence for a long time. It wouldn’t have damaged her thesis to include situations where the children hoped for a divorce. They still would have experienced long-term repercussions, probably even more than the others because their original situation was so bad.
I also would have liked to see cases where the parents divorced when the child was too young to be aware of it. How does that compare to single motherhood? Is it better to have never had a present father than to lose one early on?
Even though I still have a lot of questions, what is in the book is very valuable.
January 19, 2022
An absolute must read. For children of divorce, there is so much here that helps to process the typical emotions and challenges of the ordeal. For parents considering divorce, an extremely sobering review of how this decision will forever impact your children no matter how you handle it. I loved the perspective of actually taking the children’s needs into account.
February 26, 2025
Interesting studies about the effects of divorce on children over time and into adulthood.
January 29, 2024
I had wanted to give a review on this back last year, but naturally the wave of the holidays have taken the room until now:
It comes as a shock to see that no other reviews have been given to this gem of a book in over 14+ years. Very alarming and speaks a whole lot of volumes (Pun not at all intended). Sure, other divorce-type books are usually ones for spouses looking on how to manage their finances, property, and dispute custody/schedulings over kids, but NOTHING much to give attention on HOW the children themselves are affected before, during, and obviously afterwards. It’s more involved the parents may or may not comprehend once they start separating.
There’s a whole lot that can be said about this book. Only I don’t have all the time in the world to dissect it completely, both my opinion and “life-hood” experience on the matter.
In general I believe, if it were possible, that every person on the planet should be informed on the subject of children being greatly afflicted by the ever growing divorce-epidemic. If it were [ever] properly done when it comes to foresight, the children would have much more time for a good future, and far less burdens that would no doubt impact on what they can grow up to become as a well-prepared individual that can write their mark on life (attend college/university, career, family, serve in the military, etc). But if given a fractured chance like caring more over financial, custody battles (ie “Who’s the better parent?” game) than putting greater emphasis on the kids’ emotional well being especially, is teaching them to become possibly insecure or less trusting of either parent to rely, to be the parent they [once] remember they were before the separation.
The law and its court system on divorce can never truly realize that even though they’ve done their part to “ensure” the change for spouses, and “protections” for their kids, there is none in justice when it comes to children’s now altered relationships with their parent’s now separate views of one another in their very observing eyes. Family life is now moved to something less than family unity and becomes like “your parents are strangers now” sort of outcome. Basically yes, you have a parent the kid will visit now and then, but the activity to hang out or spend the night or two at places done before, it’s not the same experience than it was when having a normal family life doing the same activity with either parent - It’s like it’s spoiled or ruined into “hanging out with a friend than a parent” and wish your mom or dad were here to enjoy it too, but can’t now because for whatever [un]explained reason and am simply forced to “make due”.
I’m not sure what it is about financial “insecurity” that fathers always seem to flip over backwards when it comes to child support. It’s more of the attitude out of it I wonder. Why are they so angry over it? Isn’t the concept of “No price should be between the health and safety of our child.” important? And when the kids become of legal age of 18, the father expresses a ridiculously exasperated relief that they are no longer meant to pay like it’s some college loan or paying off your car? Is the 18 year old supposed to say, “Sorry I was a financial burden to you?” “Sorry for existing?” “Sorry you’re stuck with me from 6 to 18?” Again, it’s the attitude more than the money, and don’t think it’s ever overlooked by the now-adult that’ll come right back in the face of the payer for giving off that impression. It’s made very easy to see where the priority lies, and takes down the self-worth much more quickly than financial aspects.
Think the first time I ever came across the definition of divorce, was probably when I was 11 watching a Dr. Phil episode giving advice on how to possibly split carefully, but at the same time they have two kids involved in their ping-pong arguments. After I asked my mom what it meant, I remember coming to a conclusion thinking then, “So these kids’ lives are ruined by it? They live with it and the parents are confused why they’re [still] angry? They’re hurt forever? How could the parents ignore them but listen to the law way more? The kids are miserable by seeing them being mad at each other, but still love them, why are the parents looking the other way? Why are they being so selfish over money? Don’t they care for them like mine does? If it happened to me with my parents, my life will stop because my mom will have to work with a very bad back from 3 back surgeries to take care of me till I’m old enough to get a job to provide too. It means I’ll take care of her no matter what. Dad and my life will have to wait for a very long time till she’s okay first.. I’ll need to be very very brave, and never choose who I love more, mom or dad. I love them both and nothing will ever change that no matter how mad they are at each other. Yea, that’s what I’d do.” I ate those words on a gold platter two years later.
When I first came across this book from a large non-profit organization visit a giant garages sale back around 2008, I had very huge doubt at first if there was going to be anything in the book that could sympathize or be considerate in the slightest whatsoever. Like maybe it would also be along the lines of, “Oh well the past is the past, the kids will understand and grow out (or dummy-sounding “get over it”) of those experiences eventually like fully-capable, functioning adults.” Despite those thoughts, I bought it anyway for whatever $2 it was worth, but then choose not to read it until recently. I’d be lying if I say nothing about it with each page I flip doesn’t make me cry because about 75% (which is 4-stars of the entire book) of most passages I highlighted screamed, “Yes that’s exactly what I’ve thought. I’ve tried telling either of them how damaging it is.” and kept going till the end. I can mostly relate to the characters like the caregiver-child (Lisa) & the disabled-child (Billy) in the book - Growing up is a whole lot harder & longer, and might have some catching up to do when it sours down in years or decades. 25% of the rest I can’t really relate to at all like getting into dangerous acts (drugs/alcohol/gambling) which I’ve always believed from the beginning of my family’s separation, “How does getting into it help improve my dilemma with my parents? It doesn’t. It’s more trouble than what’s already there, why bother to add more layers?” Even not being in relationships [yet], because I hardly thought it was a good idea to get into one for the time being, or even if I was in one, I’d wonder if my future boyfriend/fiance would be patient, understanding brave of how my life is altered by the dilemma, the now daughterly duty of caring for my mom and her home, but still be in a relationship despite those hardships. It’s if not I wouldn’t chase him down and make him stay with me as a “only chance for love” attempt. If one day though, marriage is yet I’d still love to have in my lifetime, because it truly is a wonderful thing for two people that mean much to one another like a special friendship that never ages - Having a child amplifies it even more of the union (that is to say that’s what I believe).
The only thing I’m curious about in the book was how the children’s faith in [any] religion is changed either not much or drastically (like become agnostic or atheist) during their lives in the study. I almost came close to losing mine when they split. I’m glad I kept my faith on my own. It’s one of the few reasons I realized then at the time, it’s something both the divorce & my parents have no “control” over while everything else was, and just because I saw a change of faith in my parents doesn’t mean that it applies to me (before I got my confirmation as a Catholic) . If anything, it became much more important to me that I get closer in my faith and keep “my wits” about me in the long run of their separation while living with my mother and had visits with my father, because the altered lifestyle wasn’t going to be an easy one for sure, and I needed all of the prayers I can send like a 2nd family asking for help. Dialing back a bit, it’s concerning to take into consideration when children see wedded parents now becoming “single” it becomes a distortion to the meaning of family values, how religion goes and affects them in practice, and how wonderfully special it is, but now transformed or in another perspective “diminished” and wonder, “Oh so religion is not great anymore to them? Then maybe it’s fake for me too like it is to them.” and changes the children’s growing mind rather fast enough to possibly draw them away from possibly a now-adult child, to see religion on a different plane and miss out a rather spiritual closeness when times get rough. A hope on that front is that it’s never too late for a fallen of the faith after witnessing a family’s fracture to cause personal spiritual friction, to come back into the fold with a newer clarity that was once missed when last seen as wholesome. It’s open anytime and it’s a choice.
Divorce is not a fail-safe solution, that much can be made clear.
Depending on the situation, it’s a 50-50 chance of life for children depending on how the parent(s) points in the new direction as opposed to the previous course. By that I mean it can be made easy or extremely difficult trekking for either parent to prepare their children, while they are not together, learn about independent lifestyle, education on-&-off campus, [getting into] relationships/marriage (it’s still a good thing, don’t stiff it based from past bad experience, and focus its good loving qualities so they can craft their own), good practice of religion (teach them to not lose hope and have them go into a moment of despair on their own, it will be a comfort if you take notice if you’re a religious person), work ethics (or contribution to society), discipline (don’t over coddle/spoil it takes away accountability), and financial responsibility (One example, don’t just buy gifts for kids to “buy their love” of one parent over the other that can’t or won’t. Please don’t, teaching financial self-entitlement or developing a sense of greed is just as bad.).
Above all, don’t speak out ill-will against each other. It’s a “tall order” for either parent, I get it. But take it from a daughter like myself, it would mean worlds [than you’ll ever know] to your kids if you tell them good stories and characteristics about what they liked about one another prior to getting married, not pointing out the all-out imperfections or “malice” at every turn. You really don’t want the kid to wonder about the half of themselves you tell of either parent be, “Wow, if my mom’s that’s selfish like dad said, am I selfish too?” or “Wow, my dad’s mean like mom said, it means I’m mean too.” What will that help the kid to “win” them to one side over the other? No, it will only teach a damaging sense of self-worth that only the “worst” flaws are measured and not highlighting the BEST of BOTH parents that can encourage what kind of individual they can be later on at 18+ years old ready for the world as their own.
Also, listen to what your kid has to say about either one of you, whether or not it’s more or less helpful in terms of feedback. They worry about you both. They love you both. Every minute, every day, every year, every holiday (with you or not in it). Tone down both hostility and animosity (maybe it might be worth it to you, but not at all to them because it’s garbage and more baggage for them to carry on their minds) and look for once at what your kids want from both of you - Just simply pay attention. If you do, they’ll sleep a bit better at night, and not wonder if they’re gonna lose where home is, if they can eat well, attend school, “Will they not yell at each other this time, can we have Christmas without a bad comment to ruin it and remember it, can we have parents that’ll listen? I love them.” It’s not really a lot to ask, and won’t cost a penny.
As mentioned, anyone should be reading this book either single or married, that has or not have kids should at least be made aware of its effects.
If there’d be a way to change the title of this book, it could be something like, “The Long-Term Consequences of Divorce”
It comes as a shock to see that no other reviews have been given to this gem of a book in over 14+ years. Very alarming and speaks a whole lot of volumes (Pun not at all intended). Sure, other divorce-type books are usually ones for spouses looking on how to manage their finances, property, and dispute custody/schedulings over kids, but NOTHING much to give attention on HOW the children themselves are affected before, during, and obviously afterwards. It’s more involved the parents may or may not comprehend once they start separating.
There’s a whole lot that can be said about this book. Only I don’t have all the time in the world to dissect it completely, both my opinion and “life-hood” experience on the matter.
In general I believe, if it were possible, that every person on the planet should be informed on the subject of children being greatly afflicted by the ever growing divorce-epidemic. If it were [ever] properly done when it comes to foresight, the children would have much more time for a good future, and far less burdens that would no doubt impact on what they can grow up to become as a well-prepared individual that can write their mark on life (attend college/university, career, family, serve in the military, etc). But if given a fractured chance like caring more over financial, custody battles (ie “Who’s the better parent?” game) than putting greater emphasis on the kids’ emotional well being especially, is teaching them to become possibly insecure or less trusting of either parent to rely, to be the parent they [once] remember they were before the separation.
The law and its court system on divorce can never truly realize that even though they’ve done their part to “ensure” the change for spouses, and “protections” for their kids, there is none in justice when it comes to children’s now altered relationships with their parent’s now separate views of one another in their very observing eyes. Family life is now moved to something less than family unity and becomes like “your parents are strangers now” sort of outcome. Basically yes, you have a parent the kid will visit now and then, but the activity to hang out or spend the night or two at places done before, it’s not the same experience than it was when having a normal family life doing the same activity with either parent - It’s like it’s spoiled or ruined into “hanging out with a friend than a parent” and wish your mom or dad were here to enjoy it too, but can’t now because for whatever [un]explained reason and am simply forced to “make due”.
I’m not sure what it is about financial “insecurity” that fathers always seem to flip over backwards when it comes to child support. It’s more of the attitude out of it I wonder. Why are they so angry over it? Isn’t the concept of “No price should be between the health and safety of our child.” important? And when the kids become of legal age of 18, the father expresses a ridiculously exasperated relief that they are no longer meant to pay like it’s some college loan or paying off your car? Is the 18 year old supposed to say, “Sorry I was a financial burden to you?” “Sorry for existing?” “Sorry you’re stuck with me from 6 to 18?” Again, it’s the attitude more than the money, and don’t think it’s ever overlooked by the now-adult that’ll come right back in the face of the payer for giving off that impression. It’s made very easy to see where the priority lies, and takes down the self-worth much more quickly than financial aspects.
Think the first time I ever came across the definition of divorce, was probably when I was 11 watching a Dr. Phil episode giving advice on how to possibly split carefully, but at the same time they have two kids involved in their ping-pong arguments. After I asked my mom what it meant, I remember coming to a conclusion thinking then, “So these kids’ lives are ruined by it? They live with it and the parents are confused why they’re [still] angry? They’re hurt forever? How could the parents ignore them but listen to the law way more? The kids are miserable by seeing them being mad at each other, but still love them, why are the parents looking the other way? Why are they being so selfish over money? Don’t they care for them like mine does? If it happened to me with my parents, my life will stop because my mom will have to work with a very bad back from 3 back surgeries to take care of me till I’m old enough to get a job to provide too. It means I’ll take care of her no matter what. Dad and my life will have to wait for a very long time till she’s okay first.. I’ll need to be very very brave, and never choose who I love more, mom or dad. I love them both and nothing will ever change that no matter how mad they are at each other. Yea, that’s what I’d do.” I ate those words on a gold platter two years later.
When I first came across this book from a large non-profit organization visit a giant garages sale back around 2008, I had very huge doubt at first if there was going to be anything in the book that could sympathize or be considerate in the slightest whatsoever. Like maybe it would also be along the lines of, “Oh well the past is the past, the kids will understand and grow out (or dummy-sounding “get over it”) of those experiences eventually like fully-capable, functioning adults.” Despite those thoughts, I bought it anyway for whatever $2 it was worth, but then choose not to read it until recently. I’d be lying if I say nothing about it with each page I flip doesn’t make me cry because about 75% (which is 4-stars of the entire book) of most passages I highlighted screamed, “Yes that’s exactly what I’ve thought. I’ve tried telling either of them how damaging it is.” and kept going till the end. I can mostly relate to the characters like the caregiver-child (Lisa) & the disabled-child (Billy) in the book - Growing up is a whole lot harder & longer, and might have some catching up to do when it sours down in years or decades. 25% of the rest I can’t really relate to at all like getting into dangerous acts (drugs/alcohol/gambling) which I’ve always believed from the beginning of my family’s separation, “How does getting into it help improve my dilemma with my parents? It doesn’t. It’s more trouble than what’s already there, why bother to add more layers?” Even not being in relationships [yet], because I hardly thought it was a good idea to get into one for the time being, or even if I was in one, I’d wonder if my future boyfriend/fiance would be patient, understanding brave of how my life is altered by the dilemma, the now daughterly duty of caring for my mom and her home, but still be in a relationship despite those hardships. It’s if not I wouldn’t chase him down and make him stay with me as a “only chance for love” attempt. If one day though, marriage is yet I’d still love to have in my lifetime, because it truly is a wonderful thing for two people that mean much to one another like a special friendship that never ages - Having a child amplifies it even more of the union (that is to say that’s what I believe).
The only thing I’m curious about in the book was how the children’s faith in [any] religion is changed either not much or drastically (like become agnostic or atheist) during their lives in the study. I almost came close to losing mine when they split. I’m glad I kept my faith on my own. It’s one of the few reasons I realized then at the time, it’s something both the divorce & my parents have no “control” over while everything else was, and just because I saw a change of faith in my parents doesn’t mean that it applies to me (before I got my confirmation as a Catholic) . If anything, it became much more important to me that I get closer in my faith and keep “my wits” about me in the long run of their separation while living with my mother and had visits with my father, because the altered lifestyle wasn’t going to be an easy one for sure, and I needed all of the prayers I can send like a 2nd family asking for help. Dialing back a bit, it’s concerning to take into consideration when children see wedded parents now becoming “single” it becomes a distortion to the meaning of family values, how religion goes and affects them in practice, and how wonderfully special it is, but now transformed or in another perspective “diminished” and wonder, “Oh so religion is not great anymore to them? Then maybe it’s fake for me too like it is to them.” and changes the children’s growing mind rather fast enough to possibly draw them away from possibly a now-adult child, to see religion on a different plane and miss out a rather spiritual closeness when times get rough. A hope on that front is that it’s never too late for a fallen of the faith after witnessing a family’s fracture to cause personal spiritual friction, to come back into the fold with a newer clarity that was once missed when last seen as wholesome. It’s open anytime and it’s a choice.
Divorce is not a fail-safe solution, that much can be made clear.
Depending on the situation, it’s a 50-50 chance of life for children depending on how the parent(s) points in the new direction as opposed to the previous course. By that I mean it can be made easy or extremely difficult trekking for either parent to prepare their children, while they are not together, learn about independent lifestyle, education on-&-off campus, [getting into] relationships/marriage (it’s still a good thing, don’t stiff it based from past bad experience, and focus its good loving qualities so they can craft their own), good practice of religion (teach them to not lose hope and have them go into a moment of despair on their own, it will be a comfort if you take notice if you’re a religious person), work ethics (or contribution to society), discipline (don’t over coddle/spoil it takes away accountability), and financial responsibility (One example, don’t just buy gifts for kids to “buy their love” of one parent over the other that can’t or won’t. Please don’t, teaching financial self-entitlement or developing a sense of greed is just as bad.).
Above all, don’t speak out ill-will against each other. It’s a “tall order” for either parent, I get it. But take it from a daughter like myself, it would mean worlds [than you’ll ever know] to your kids if you tell them good stories and characteristics about what they liked about one another prior to getting married, not pointing out the all-out imperfections or “malice” at every turn. You really don’t want the kid to wonder about the half of themselves you tell of either parent be, “Wow, if my mom’s that’s selfish like dad said, am I selfish too?” or “Wow, my dad’s mean like mom said, it means I’m mean too.” What will that help the kid to “win” them to one side over the other? No, it will only teach a damaging sense of self-worth that only the “worst” flaws are measured and not highlighting the BEST of BOTH parents that can encourage what kind of individual they can be later on at 18+ years old ready for the world as their own.
Also, listen to what your kid has to say about either one of you, whether or not it’s more or less helpful in terms of feedback. They worry about you both. They love you both. Every minute, every day, every year, every holiday (with you or not in it). Tone down both hostility and animosity (maybe it might be worth it to you, but not at all to them because it’s garbage and more baggage for them to carry on their minds) and look for once at what your kids want from both of you - Just simply pay attention. If you do, they’ll sleep a bit better at night, and not wonder if they’re gonna lose where home is, if they can eat well, attend school, “Will they not yell at each other this time, can we have Christmas without a bad comment to ruin it and remember it, can we have parents that’ll listen? I love them.” It’s not really a lot to ask, and won’t cost a penny.
As mentioned, anyone should be reading this book either single or married, that has or not have kids should at least be made aware of its effects.
If there’d be a way to change the title of this book, it could be something like, “The Long-Term Consequences of Divorce”
February 6, 2011
This book was very interesting and insightful. The author followed families that had divorced for 25 years and compared them against a group of families in similar situations but didn't divorce. The effect of divorce on young children right through the effect on their development into adulthood was reported.
This book should be required reading for any parent thinking about divorce. The author is very balanced but realistic about the effects. She also gives advice for how to handle telling your children about a divorce and how to make the transition as smooth as possible for them.
One of the insights that affected me was when the author stated that the myth that because divorce is so prevalent it is somehow easier on kids now. She pointed out children go through single file. If a widow was told that it's not as big of a deal to lose her husband because five other women in her block are widows it wouldn't ease her suffering any.
Great flowing style with lots of anecdotal stories to illustrate her points.
This book should be required reading for any parent thinking about divorce. The author is very balanced but realistic about the effects. She also gives advice for how to handle telling your children about a divorce and how to make the transition as smooth as possible for them.
One of the insights that affected me was when the author stated that the myth that because divorce is so prevalent it is somehow easier on kids now. She pointed out children go through single file. If a widow was told that it's not as big of a deal to lose her husband because five other women in her block are widows it wouldn't ease her suffering any.
Great flowing style with lots of anecdotal stories to illustrate her points.
October 7, 2012
Recommended to me by a grown child of divorce as a key to understanding so many of his own hang-ups and difficulties in starting a family of his own, I couldn't help but find this an important read. Wallerstein advocates beautifully for the children of divorce whose rights, needs, and wishes are set aside by angry, distracted and/or overburdened parents and the bureaucracy of the courts. She makes a good case that children do not recover easily from their breaking up from their family and can take years into adulthood to overcome the fears, resentment and insecurities, if it ever does. That said, she includes hopeful stories of individuals who choose to fight for happiness in later life and succeed so it's not all doom and gloom.
Sometimes it felt like the Wallerstien's interpretations were slightly dramatic, and sometimes even conflicting but other times seemed dead on. It was definitely worth my time to read since none of us seem to not be directly or indirectly effected by divorce.
Sometimes it felt like the Wallerstien's interpretations were slightly dramatic, and sometimes even conflicting but other times seemed dead on. It was definitely worth my time to read since none of us seem to not be directly or indirectly effected by divorce.
April 16, 2023
"What's done to children, they will do to society."
"We have created a new kind of society that offers greater freedom and more opportunities for many adults, but this welcome change carries a serious hidden cost. Many people, adults and children alike are in fact not better off. We have created new kind of families in which relationship are fragile and often unreliable. Children today receive far less nurturance, protection, and parenting then was their lot a few decades ago."
I work at my local high school, and see the direct effects spoken of in this book first hand. I can count on my hand the number of my students who live with their mother and father in the same home. The results are devastating just as spoken about it this book. We need to start having conversations about what we do about the problem. She makes several good suggestions at the end of the book starting with:
"I would begin with an effort to strengthen marriage."
"We have created a new kind of society that offers greater freedom and more opportunities for many adults, but this welcome change carries a serious hidden cost. Many people, adults and children alike are in fact not better off. We have created new kind of families in which relationship are fragile and often unreliable. Children today receive far less nurturance, protection, and parenting then was their lot a few decades ago."
I work at my local high school, and see the direct effects spoken of in this book first hand. I can count on my hand the number of my students who live with their mother and father in the same home. The results are devastating just as spoken about it this book. We need to start having conversations about what we do about the problem. She makes several good suggestions at the end of the book starting with:
"I would begin with an effort to strengthen marriage."
September 16, 2014
Greg recently downloaded this book that my sister-in-law, Mackenzie, recommended. Because it was about the impact of divorce on the kids in the family, I wanted it all to reflect me and my experience. There were some things that did (like the divorced parent taking center stage instead of the kid being her own center stage in her own life or not getting much financial support for college) and some things that didn't (like becoming the care-taker for a parent or getting lost in sex and drug addictions). Even parents with the best intentions and best communication can't shield their kids from the crappy results of divorce. The parents get to move on, but the kids have to deal with the impacts of the split forever. This book was depressing, mostly because I've had to live it in the 24 years since my own parents' divorce.
May 20, 2016
I had promised a friend who is in collage that I would read this book and write a report on it since it was on her sociology professor's list. I don't like parenthood, and scares the crap out of me, or maybe I should say that I don't see myself fit to do it. but I personally think that this book should be a requirement for people who want to have children or those who already do and are planning on temporary separation or divorce. it's describes the whole situation and it's effects and aftermaths perfectly. the book does not offer solutions to the family's ongoing problems but rather explains the damaging process that children will be facing during and after the divorce. I think it's a very great read for anybody who in anyway associates with children whether it's a personal or professional relationship. strongly recommend it.
August 3, 2017
As a person from an "intact" family, this book has been immensely helpful in understanding where my husband is coming from as a "child of divorce". The authors articulate what is so often inarticulate for the ones who truly suffer from the catastrophe of divorce - the child(ren).
Even though the authors show how damaging divorce is to children, I was disappointed that they didn't necessarily condemn divorce in non-extreme cases. Instead, they provide ways for those seeking a divorce to constructively deal with it regarding their children. I felt they could've spoken more strongly against divorce, if for no other reason than the proven negative impact it has on children, families & society.
Even though the authors show how damaging divorce is to children, I was disappointed that they didn't necessarily condemn divorce in non-extreme cases. Instead, they provide ways for those seeking a divorce to constructively deal with it regarding their children. I felt they could've spoken more strongly against divorce, if for no other reason than the proven negative impact it has on children, families & society.
March 29, 2017
The unexpected legacy of divorce is a longitudinal study following children of divorced parents. In this book, we get a multitude vignettes and overarching findings that illustrate the effects of divorce. A lot of these elements serve to really hone and explore the unseen trauma of children that have been affected by divorce.
Even though this is non-fiction, it isn't dry. It was engaging and very emotional at times. I think this a book that everyone should read at some point especially if you are a child of divorce. For me, as a child of divorced parents, this book helped me make sense of my own childhood. It made me think and cry and think and then cry again.
Even though this is non-fiction, it isn't dry. It was engaging and very emotional at times. I think this a book that everyone should read at some point especially if you are a child of divorce. For me, as a child of divorced parents, this book helped me make sense of my own childhood. It made me think and cry and think and then cry again.
December 29, 2018
I can sum this book up, which I learned quite a bit from, as: "it takes 10 years longer for kids from divorced parents to grow up then those whose parents remained married". Judith wallerstein had tremendous influence in the state of California and elsewhere over divorce laws and custody issues. Well I don't agree with everything in her book, the incredible fact that she tracked children over multiple decades from intact and broken homes was highly scientific in nature and resulted in very interesting outcomes.
July 17, 2012
This is GROWN UP reading. Unfortunately, in spite of their chronological age, most of the folks who need to read this lack the maturity. This is based on a 25-year longitudinal study. As another commenter stated, this book presents "harrowing" findings.
To paraphrase Flannery O'Connor (I think), the truth does change based on our ability to stomach it.
If we want to help children affected by divorce, the first step is to acknowledge how they and our society are impacted.
To paraphrase Flannery O'Connor (I think), the truth does change based on our ability to stomach it.
If we want to help children affected by divorce, the first step is to acknowledge how they and our society are impacted.
March 8, 2025
This is a great book detailing the results of a 25-year long study on the effects of divorce, formatted in a way that compares children of divorce to children from intact families. Lewis approaches topics surrounding divorce with empathy and understanding, broaching topics of abuse, neglect, and child development. The book works to dispel common myths about divorce and its effects on the parties involved, giving a voice to children of divorce as well as a look into the psyche of the parents in these broken family structures.
The stories of the children and parents portrayed in the book are eye-opening and validating for children of divorce. They help to dispel the cloud of denial and confusion that often lingers over the head of children raised in these homes. Lewis manages to do so without villainizing all of the parents or glossing over the harms endured in these situations. She also tells the stories of people raised in intact but abusive homes, creating nuance in the discussion of whether divorce is always the wrong thing or not.
I love the distinction she makes throughout the book about the differences between parent and child agendas and the falsehood that is "if the parents are happy, the children will follow suit." There is truly a deficit of knowledge surrounding the effects of divorce, even in our modern day where divorce is increasingly commonplace. It speaks to the damage done that adult children of divorce do not feel that they have a voice in modern day society. Around a quarter of the population, and yet most remain in denial or recovery without their stories being told. This book helps to demystify and give a voice to those who have long been unheard in their suffering.
This all being said about the remarkable insight that this book provides, I do wonder about some the content surrounding gender roles and the nuclear family that this book focuses on. Lewis draws lines between the sexes and analyzes data from this point of view. She discusses the impact of gender on the treatment of children of divorce and the common consequences. As gender roles change and the attraction to the nuclear family structure diminishes, I expect that these lines have become somewhat blurred and will continue to do so. As someone reading in 2025 or later, the reader should take into account the massive amount of change in our society regarding these sentiments, as well as the influence of technology and social media that was not present for the participants in the study.
The stories of the children and parents portrayed in the book are eye-opening and validating for children of divorce. They help to dispel the cloud of denial and confusion that often lingers over the head of children raised in these homes. Lewis manages to do so without villainizing all of the parents or glossing over the harms endured in these situations. She also tells the stories of people raised in intact but abusive homes, creating nuance in the discussion of whether divorce is always the wrong thing or not.
I love the distinction she makes throughout the book about the differences between parent and child agendas and the falsehood that is "if the parents are happy, the children will follow suit." There is truly a deficit of knowledge surrounding the effects of divorce, even in our modern day where divorce is increasingly commonplace. It speaks to the damage done that adult children of divorce do not feel that they have a voice in modern day society. Around a quarter of the population, and yet most remain in denial or recovery without their stories being told. This book helps to demystify and give a voice to those who have long been unheard in their suffering.
This all being said about the remarkable insight that this book provides, I do wonder about some the content surrounding gender roles and the nuclear family that this book focuses on. Lewis draws lines between the sexes and analyzes data from this point of view. She discusses the impact of gender on the treatment of children of divorce and the common consequences. As gender roles change and the attraction to the nuclear family structure diminishes, I expect that these lines have become somewhat blurred and will continue to do so. As someone reading in 2025 or later, the reader should take into account the massive amount of change in our society regarding these sentiments, as well as the influence of technology and social media that was not present for the participants in the study.
December 20, 2023
I was gifted this book nineteen years ago with a tipped in message encouraging me and six others who got the same gift to read the book and think about it. Although I have not been a child of divorce, I have had awful feelings about divorce ever since I was a young child. This was likely due largely to exposure to marital conflict in media, portrayals of divorce in movies, and a show that aired on TV during my childhood that I found profoundly disturbing, yet was exposed to in ways that felt unavoidable under the circumstances. It was "Divorce Court." Fortunately, I was able to talk to my parents about the show and that was a positive.
I avoided the book for emotional reasons. I would get queasy every time I picked it up and skimmed through the book. Eventually, out of respect for the giver of the gift, I committed to reading the book for the reasons he stated: to gain knowledge, wisdom, and understanding of experiences that are difficult.
I do not regret it--even though it was emotionally tough to get through the sadness of these true stories, put together to give us a picture of the psychological aspects of divorce, primarily from the children's perspective. These were written in a way that my pledge to read a little more than a page a day was accelerated because it was hard to leave a story before I had a resolution. The desolation and disappointment of these tender upended lives were emotionally disturbing still; yet, I felt like I was gaining knowledge that might help me have compassion.
Not to be all gloomy, there were inspiring stories of individuals who turned away from paths that led nowhere, behavior that was hopeless, relationships (their own) lacking love that they secretly yearned for.
I now have, as the giver predicted, a sense of understanding and something more: empathy. I feel like I have witnessed the suffering, despair, and discouragement of the children of divorce. And I have seen those shining instances of recovery, hope, and courage.
I recommend that you read it, notwithstanding that family life has changed so much since the longitudinal study was conducted by Judith S. Wallerstein and her Center for the Family in Transition.
Much is said of the courts and how they might do better. Maybe they have. Perhaps there is another book to read to fill in for the quarter-century gap that lies between then (2000) and now.
I avoided the book for emotional reasons. I would get queasy every time I picked it up and skimmed through the book. Eventually, out of respect for the giver of the gift, I committed to reading the book for the reasons he stated: to gain knowledge, wisdom, and understanding of experiences that are difficult.
I do not regret it--even though it was emotionally tough to get through the sadness of these true stories, put together to give us a picture of the psychological aspects of divorce, primarily from the children's perspective. These were written in a way that my pledge to read a little more than a page a day was accelerated because it was hard to leave a story before I had a resolution. The desolation and disappointment of these tender upended lives were emotionally disturbing still; yet, I felt like I was gaining knowledge that might help me have compassion.
Not to be all gloomy, there were inspiring stories of individuals who turned away from paths that led nowhere, behavior that was hopeless, relationships (their own) lacking love that they secretly yearned for.
I now have, as the giver predicted, a sense of understanding and something more: empathy. I feel like I have witnessed the suffering, despair, and discouragement of the children of divorce. And I have seen those shining instances of recovery, hope, and courage.
I recommend that you read it, notwithstanding that family life has changed so much since the longitudinal study was conducted by Judith S. Wallerstein and her Center for the Family in Transition.
Much is said of the courts and how they might do better. Maybe they have. Perhaps there is another book to read to fill in for the quarter-century gap that lies between then (2000) and now.
October 14, 2022
The book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, by Judith S. Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee, presents the outcome of a 25-year study involving 131 carefully chosen individuals from divorced families. The main focus is on the stories of seven individuals, contrasting children of divorced families with children from intact families. The authors address two myths in the culture of divorce: If the parents are happier, the children will be too; and, divorce is a temporary crisis that exerts its most harmful effects on parents and children at the time of the breakup, while contrasting that “…studies indeed show that children of divorce and those raised in second marriages are…more troubled than children from intact marriages.” Divorce is a life-transforming experience; long-term effects related to memory, holidays, conflict resolution, integrity, love, communication, commitment, parenting, and honesty are cited.
Strengths include: 25-year study showing the long-term effects of divorce; a contrast of divorced families with intact families; a description of lessons children learn; attention to the significant role fathers/step-fathers play in a child’s future; effects of divorce on special needs children; and the lack of consideration of a child’s perspective when determining custody issues.
Weaknesses include: An unbiblical worldview and subsequent confusion; promotion of the adolescent concept, of self-esteem, and of the unbiblical concept of self-forgiveness; unbiblical encouragement to following the heart; contradiction of Scripture; void of true Biblical hope; a reference to psychic energy; and it contains graphic language.
Biblical counseling: It epitomizes relationships void of a Biblical moral compass for marriage; It describes effects parents’ decisions can have upon their children.
Strengths include: 25-year study showing the long-term effects of divorce; a contrast of divorced families with intact families; a description of lessons children learn; attention to the significant role fathers/step-fathers play in a child’s future; effects of divorce on special needs children; and the lack of consideration of a child’s perspective when determining custody issues.
Weaknesses include: An unbiblical worldview and subsequent confusion; promotion of the adolescent concept, of self-esteem, and of the unbiblical concept of self-forgiveness; unbiblical encouragement to following the heart; contradiction of Scripture; void of true Biblical hope; a reference to psychic energy; and it contains graphic language.
Biblical counseling: It epitomizes relationships void of a Biblical moral compass for marriage; It describes effects parents’ decisions can have upon their children.
April 11, 2024
For a lengthy nonfiction book involving a 25-year study on the impact of divorce on children, this was utterly fascinating reading. Not dry in the least, the author, a psychologist, details conversations she had with a representative sample of these children of divorce. Their stories were moving, thought-provoking, heartbreaking. As a child of divorce myself, this was incredibly eye-opening in terms of my own processing of my parents’ divorce, and the way it shaped my relationships in early adulthood and even my decision to get married and my initial reluctance to have children.
There were definite surprises in this research, mostly related to how damaging divorce is for children in almost every circumstance. I also was so surprised that the courts virtually close their eyes and ears to the experience and needs of minor children of divorce, instead of focusing on parental rights. The cost of this powerlessness for children during their most vulnerable time of great loss cannot be overestimated. I liked that Wallerstein not only pointed out specific problems with the way divorce is handled in our nation, but also suggests multiple options of how to remedy this system that cripples childrens development and especially their capacity for security and intimacy as adults.
I am curious, since this was written in 2000, if any of her recommendations were taken seriously, and if children have more of a voice now in the process, and if there are more services available for children with divorcing parents. I would love to think that her research has impacted policy, and not just the many readers and reviewers who’ve been helped and enlightened by her work. I know for me, this book was illuminating as to my own experience, and it will be something I keep in mind if and when friends are tempted to consider divorce during tough patches in their marriages.
There were definite surprises in this research, mostly related to how damaging divorce is for children in almost every circumstance. I also was so surprised that the courts virtually close their eyes and ears to the experience and needs of minor children of divorce, instead of focusing on parental rights. The cost of this powerlessness for children during their most vulnerable time of great loss cannot be overestimated. I liked that Wallerstein not only pointed out specific problems with the way divorce is handled in our nation, but also suggests multiple options of how to remedy this system that cripples childrens development and especially their capacity for security and intimacy as adults.
I am curious, since this was written in 2000, if any of her recommendations were taken seriously, and if children have more of a voice now in the process, and if there are more services available for children with divorcing parents. I would love to think that her research has impacted policy, and not just the many readers and reviewers who’ve been helped and enlightened by her work. I know for me, this book was illuminating as to my own experience, and it will be something I keep in mind if and when friends are tempted to consider divorce during tough patches in their marriages.
June 14, 2023
This is a must read for everyone since divorce is so prevalent in our society. As a child of divorce this book really resonated with me. Divorce is much less taboo and in a way minimized, especially when it comes to how it affects children. Spoiler, it can be pretty awful for children. Something a lot of people don’t realize is that conflict doesn’t stop after the divorce. Children permanently link two people, and chances are if parents didn’t get along before the divorce, the won’t after which shouldn’t be shocking because if they got along they probably wouldn’t divorce in the first place. The author was compassionate and thorough when relaying the experiences of the children she studied. I also appreciated how she described how divorce is handled and viewed by the legal system. She made a lot of good points, mainly that children had no say in where they’ll spend their time and how college will get paid. However, I didn’t like how she sometimes generalized how children of divorce feel. Not every child of divorce has the same experience. Some can be happy or indifferent to their parents splitting up, especially if they are older and/or have a poor relationship with one parent. Otherwise, this book was very informational and illustrated some key impacts on children of divorce that are rarely discussed or even thought of.
April 19, 2018
Well-written Book about the lasting effects of Divorce on children. I have been a family law litigator for 20 years, and I am profoundly saddened every day by my profession. Every day, I see parents who are so consumed by their need for revenge that they don’t see or care about their children. Like puppets, they say “This is in their best interests!” When what they mean is “this is in MY best interests.” They are in a bad place and what they need are compassionate and wise family lawyers who encourage them to do the right thing. Unfortunately, the entire family law profession is such that only conflict generates revenue, thus many lawyers choose to pay their overhead instead of really doing their part. Wallenstein’s Book is written with extreme care, following some of her best studies. She does not judge. She also has pointers in the end. She shares that she once met with a family law judge, who asked her “do my decisions on their cases matter? Is there a Divorce gene?” Astounding. If you are a family lawyer or judge, read this book. Keep it in your library. Read every day. Offer it to your clients. Be better. They hire you to be part of their solution, not problem.
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