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I'd Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning to Love My Low Libido
“If I had a choice between having sex and reading a good book, the book wins. I notice I put in the adjective ‘good’—and that leaves me wondering if I’m not trying to put a better face on things. I still want people to read this and think, ‘Well, of course. If it’s a good book.’ But my boyfriend—the man I would eventually marry—would take even bad sex over a good book.”
--From I’d Rather Eat Chocolate
Joan is hardly ever in the mood. Kip is always in the mood. Does that sound like any couple you know? Joan Sewell is a funny, brave new writer who dares to reveal that sex in her house does not look anything like the sex you see in movies. When she learns that her husband, Kip, would have sex five or six times a week if he could have as much sex as he wanted (compared to her once or twice a month ), Joan decides she’d better pluck up her sex drive before she ends up on the fast track to divorce court. I’d Rather Eat Chocolate is the witty, provocative chronicle of her search for a lift to her libido and what happens when none of the expert advice works.
First she tries sexy underwear—until her husband realizes she is cheating on her thongs by wearing cotton panties. Then she reads that for stressed-out wives, a husband who does housework is the ultimate aphrodisiac—until she realizes that she is actually the slob in the relationship and the mess hasn’t decreased Kip’s sex drive any. When she reads John Gray’s advice to women to offer “quickies” if their husbands want sex and they are not in the mood, Joan realizes that this is the ultimate male trump card so she can never again say no to sex. Her fantasies begin to involve smothering John Gray with a pillow.
Joan Sewell is scrappy, fearless, and hilarious, the “I Love Lucy” of low libido. Her memoir is laugh-out-loud funny. But it has a serious vein, too. How Joan and Kip work it out, and what they do when they “do it,” will give every woman hope that she can be true to herself and have a happy marriage.
--From I’d Rather Eat Chocolate
Joan is hardly ever in the mood. Kip is always in the mood. Does that sound like any couple you know? Joan Sewell is a funny, brave new writer who dares to reveal that sex in her house does not look anything like the sex you see in movies. When she learns that her husband, Kip, would have sex five or six times a week if he could have as much sex as he wanted (compared to her once or twice a month ), Joan decides she’d better pluck up her sex drive before she ends up on the fast track to divorce court. I’d Rather Eat Chocolate is the witty, provocative chronicle of her search for a lift to her libido and what happens when none of the expert advice works.
First she tries sexy underwear—until her husband realizes she is cheating on her thongs by wearing cotton panties. Then she reads that for stressed-out wives, a husband who does housework is the ultimate aphrodisiac—until she realizes that she is actually the slob in the relationship and the mess hasn’t decreased Kip’s sex drive any. When she reads John Gray’s advice to women to offer “quickies” if their husbands want sex and they are not in the mood, Joan realizes that this is the ultimate male trump card so she can never again say no to sex. Her fantasies begin to involve smothering John Gray with a pillow.
Joan Sewell is scrappy, fearless, and hilarious, the “I Love Lucy” of low libido. Her memoir is laugh-out-loud funny. But it has a serious vein, too. How Joan and Kip work it out, and what they do when they “do it,” will give every woman hope that she can be true to herself and have a happy marriage.
224 pages, Hardcover
First published January 23, 2007
8 people are currently reading
79 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews
January 29, 2011
I couldn't tell you when and how this book wound up on my shelf, but since it's a proof by Doubleday, I'm going to guess that I grabbed it blind off the free shelf back when I worked at Random House. In any case, I've known it was there for awhile, and, after an argument, I pulled it out to show my bf that I was prepared to make an effort. That's because I thought it was a self-help book for ladies whose partners wanted more. I was wrong. It is a memoir, one of those memoirs which never ever deserved to be written or published. Because this book is really bad.
One thing I did learn, on a positive note, is that, despite what my bf thinks, I am nowhere near the low end of the sex-drive continuum. To be delicate-ish: our sex lives could be measured in times per week, whereas Joan's is measured in times per year. Yikes. Not that I am judging her for that, of course; some people have low libidos, and if she and her partner were able to find ways to work around that and come to compromises that satisfied them both, that'd be just fine. But hoo boy, Joan is not willing to budge on anything, and I am indeed judging her for that. She is self-righteous, often cruel, totally self-involved, and really really unfeeling about her husband's desires. And this is her memoir! How could she have not noticed how awful a picture she was painting of herself?? Boggles the mind.
I wish this was a self-help book, for both Joan's sake and mine. She's actually a very good researcher, and she has interesting and complex reactions to a wide variety of sex theorists, and sex therapists, and sex writers. If she'd just done a study of sex theory, this could have been a really interesting book. But when she writes about herself and her life, everything goes downhill. Her writing is clunky and boring. She spends several paragraphs describing the head of lettuce that she is moving from the shopping bag to the fridge. She waxespoetic clichéd about various topics, often food, which are essentially unrelated to anything that is going on. She vacillates between odd, overly casual direct-address to the reader and a somewhat stilted, pedantic tone. She seriously needed a better editor.
And then there's the story itself, where she browbeats her husband into accepting all and only her terms on everything, in, like I said, an extremely self-righteous and cruel way. They don't have sex hardly ever, but she won't stand for having pornography in her home, for example. She makes a few feeble attempts at being sexier, but everything's just too much of a chore. She botches dirty talking. The sexy clothes are uncomfortable. She thinks he has a thing for their sex therapist, so they have to stop going. She attempts to slather him in chocolate—which is the only thing she seems to actually love—but before things even get going, she realizes to her dismay that the chocolate is getting warm, and goodness knows she hates warm chocolate. Good grief.
It is a truly astonishing author who can write her own memoir and—seemingly unintentionally—make herself come across as the villain. Joan, your husband deserves a medal (and quite a few blowjobs) for putting up with you.
One thing I did learn, on a positive note, is that, despite what my bf thinks, I am nowhere near the low end of the sex-drive continuum. To be delicate-ish: our sex lives could be measured in times per week, whereas Joan's is measured in times per year. Yikes. Not that I am judging her for that, of course; some people have low libidos, and if she and her partner were able to find ways to work around that and come to compromises that satisfied them both, that'd be just fine. But hoo boy, Joan is not willing to budge on anything, and I am indeed judging her for that. She is self-righteous, often cruel, totally self-involved, and really really unfeeling about her husband's desires. And this is her memoir! How could she have not noticed how awful a picture she was painting of herself?? Boggles the mind.
I wish this was a self-help book, for both Joan's sake and mine. She's actually a very good researcher, and she has interesting and complex reactions to a wide variety of sex theorists, and sex therapists, and sex writers. If she'd just done a study of sex theory, this could have been a really interesting book. But when she writes about herself and her life, everything goes downhill. Her writing is clunky and boring. She spends several paragraphs describing the head of lettuce that she is moving from the shopping bag to the fridge. She waxes
And then there's the story itself, where she browbeats her husband into accepting all and only her terms on everything, in, like I said, an extremely self-righteous and cruel way. They don't have sex hardly ever, but she won't stand for having pornography in her home, for example. She makes a few feeble attempts at being sexier, but everything's just too much of a chore. She botches dirty talking. The sexy clothes are uncomfortable. She thinks he has a thing for their sex therapist, so they have to stop going. She attempts to slather him in chocolate—which is the only thing she seems to actually love—but before things even get going, she realizes to her dismay that the chocolate is getting warm, and goodness knows she hates warm chocolate. Good grief.
It is a truly astonishing author who can write her own memoir and—seemingly unintentionally—make herself come across as the villain. Joan, your husband deserves a medal (and quite a few blowjobs) for putting up with you.
April 16, 2009
The title of this book grabbed me while browsing in the bookstore one day. It's funny, funny, funny. In this lighthearted non-fiction book about a potentially serious marital issue, Joan covers her attempts at fixing her low libido by following the advice offered by all the 'sex experts'...none of which were successful. My favorite chapter was the imaginary Oprah show where all of these 'sex experts' work to fix men and their insatible need for sex and inability to be satisifed with non-sexual intimacy rather than the usual attempt to fix us women...quite hysterical! Nothing earth shattering here...just a fun, lightweight read that will enlighten you just enough to come up with your own creative solution.
August 13, 2007
i'd hoped this would provide insight to male-female relationship - but it seemed all the author wanted to do was make gross analogies, wield cliches like a scythe and basically moan the whole time. this is the author's first book - not sure if I could stand to read another one by her
January 6, 2008
Amusing but on-target look at society's sexual expectations for women, and the difficulties of women who don't fit the current stereotypes and don't wish to be untrue to themselves in order to do so.
April 29, 2015
What a horrible book. Her poor husband. I'd divorce her.
October 1, 2024
I picked this up at a local bookstore in hopes for a book that would be more self help and research based for people with similar issues— not me, by the way. I thought it would be interesting to learn about sex in a relationship in a different point of view but I was wildly disappointed.
The author hates all things sex and can’t imagine how any woman is different than her. She is judgmental and ultimately does not compromise in her relationship. I was wildly surprised every page as she ranted about how much she hated sex. She eventually saved her marriage, but didn’t compromise or actually learn anything about the female sexuality.
I understand that there are some humans with extremely low libidos and that is OKAY, although I do not relate. It’s okay to not relate though, and still read a book that portrays a different perspective— that’s what reading is all about. However, the judgmental tones throughout the book lost my empathy very early on.
Do not recommend.
The author hates all things sex and can’t imagine how any woman is different than her. She is judgmental and ultimately does not compromise in her relationship. I was wildly surprised every page as she ranted about how much she hated sex. She eventually saved her marriage, but didn’t compromise or actually learn anything about the female sexuality.
I understand that there are some humans with extremely low libidos and that is OKAY, although I do not relate. It’s okay to not relate though, and still read a book that portrays a different perspective— that’s what reading is all about. However, the judgmental tones throughout the book lost my empathy very early on.
Do not recommend.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 28, 2011
In our highly sexualized world, it can seem as though some people are thinking so much about sex at all times, that women are almost not allowed to not conform. Joan feels that way, and has no problem voicing her agony when her husband asks to have sex,...oh, say...once or twice a YEAR.
Reading this book was quite painful to be honest because I truly just felt so horribly for her husband. Sexuality aside, there was no true compromise here or even genuine concern for his emotional well-being. Joan was pretty clear in her opinion that for him to even want her want him sexually, he was basically being a whiny, selfish and perverted little boy. Her "solutions" to their bedroom drama were all focused on her own comfort and she made little apology for it.
I began to think this was more a tale of an asexual woman trying to overcome or endure a mutually gratifying relationship. After dragging this poor man through sexual therapy, then berating him for being attracted to the therapist, engaging in masturbation, or even pornography, she still refused (and refuses to this day according the epilogue!) to give in more than scheduled and practically choreographed "relations", the conditions of which also included the occasional need for him to "finish off by himself".
DAMN, lady!
The real story here was less about our sex-driven culture and more of how not to treat a spouse, in or outside of the bedroom.
All things being said, however, Joan was a very honest and transparent narrator. The story was well-written and jam-packed with information from therapists as well as other authors she contacted personally or cited.
I'm sure there are some women who really needed this tale, and I'm glad Mrs. Sewell had the courage to share it. Ridiculousness aside, I thought it was very funny at times, and I did feel sorry for her as she tried to explain the physical and mental trauma she felt when even considering sexual activity with her husband, even in spite of her love for him. She has a very humorous and no-holds-barred way of explaining how she and her husband fought to finally get on the same sexual wavelength, (to her dismay), and ultimately how they reverted to what was most comfortable for HER.
The book is fairly short, and if you want a quick, humorous look at a topic which really does affect lots of women, I'd recommend it. However, keep in mind that Joan's approach towards "solving" the problem may not agree with you.
Reading this book was quite painful to be honest because I truly just felt so horribly for her husband. Sexuality aside, there was no true compromise here or even genuine concern for his emotional well-being. Joan was pretty clear in her opinion that for him to even want her want him sexually, he was basically being a whiny, selfish and perverted little boy. Her "solutions" to their bedroom drama were all focused on her own comfort and she made little apology for it.
I began to think this was more a tale of an asexual woman trying to overcome or endure a mutually gratifying relationship. After dragging this poor man through sexual therapy, then berating him for being attracted to the therapist, engaging in masturbation, or even pornography, she still refused (and refuses to this day according the epilogue!) to give in more than scheduled and practically choreographed "relations", the conditions of which also included the occasional need for him to "finish off by himself".
DAMN, lady!
The real story here was less about our sex-driven culture and more of how not to treat a spouse, in or outside of the bedroom.
All things being said, however, Joan was a very honest and transparent narrator. The story was well-written and jam-packed with information from therapists as well as other authors she contacted personally or cited.
I'm sure there are some women who really needed this tale, and I'm glad Mrs. Sewell had the courage to share it. Ridiculousness aside, I thought it was very funny at times, and I did feel sorry for her as she tried to explain the physical and mental trauma she felt when even considering sexual activity with her husband, even in spite of her love for him. She has a very humorous and no-holds-barred way of explaining how she and her husband fought to finally get on the same sexual wavelength, (to her dismay), and ultimately how they reverted to what was most comfortable for HER.
The book is fairly short, and if you want a quick, humorous look at a topic which really does affect lots of women, I'd recommend it. However, keep in mind that Joan's approach towards "solving" the problem may not agree with you.
July 16, 2009
Alas, this has been the worst escapade in my local author reading. I was hoping to understand the "I'd rather do [something else:]" perspective, but I was rather frightfully appalled at how dishonestly she created the situation and how unhappily the relationship bore it. She seemed to retain and foster some sort of destructive emotional violence about it.
On the ironical side, I did read it while eating chocolate pocky.
On the ironical side, I did read it while eating chocolate pocky.
September 9, 2014
Funny, eye raising, and probably a book any married woman can relate to!
In this book a woman expresses the differences between a woman and a mans libido. Like anger or death, there appears to be a number of issues we travel through in finding that perfect medium between our self and our partner.
Whether or not you find yourself and your partner at differences in the bedroom, this little book will give you some laughs, some questions and some thought.
In this book a woman expresses the differences between a woman and a mans libido. Like anger or death, there appears to be a number of issues we travel through in finding that perfect medium between our self and our partner.
Whether or not you find yourself and your partner at differences in the bedroom, this little book will give you some laughs, some questions and some thought.
August 20, 2008
Although I don't have a low-libido, I thought this book sounded really interesting. In the end though, I didn't care for how the woman (author) handled the situation. I felt sorry for her husband. I felt the situation could've been handled with much more compassion on both ends, instead of just one.
September 17, 2010
This is a courageous book which talks about a woman's experience with low sex drive. This is a topic that needs to come out of the closet in an age of hypersexualization. More biographical than philosophical, but people for whom sex isn't the be-all and end-all that media would have you think it is, will relate and others will gain insight into the variances in human sex-drive.
June 12, 2007
Very funny book (by a local author) about her coming to terms with her and her husband's divergent libidos. My favorite scene involves chocolate icing, a blow job and Al Jolson.
July 17, 2008
Wow, there were some major issues in that book. I can't believe the author worked out all of those. I'm not really sure I know how she did it but I'm happy for her (and her husband)
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July 23, 2021I read this book a really long time ago when I wondered what was wrong with me and now I know I'm asexual and so is this author 🙃
August 13, 2014
After reading about the 'grass eater' phenomenon in Japan and encountering more and more people who just can't be fussed about sex, I spotted this book on a forum for asexuals and decided to give it a whirl.
In brief the author describes living in a world where women with low libidos are marginalized and pathologized, where the default is always to cater to a (presumably male) partner's higher libido, and all of the ways that female sexual autonomy and bodily integrity are sidelined in the process. As a person with a not particularly low libido, I found myself nodding along with her honest observations about the world even when I wanted to strangle her for the dishonesty and compromising (in all senses) she practiced in her relationship.
Mismatched sexual drives are obviously a problem in a relationship. This book offers no solutions, although I thought the idea of an informal sexual contract -ideally discussed early and often- was a good start. Sadly, all the 'characters' in the book were thoroughly unlikable (even sadder, they were all real people, I can only hope it's the way the author framed the matter).
I will certainly go on to read more books about this phenomenon thanks to intellectual curiosity, but my main question 'are these differences in libido really innate general differences between men and women' went unanswered... even though the author insisted she had answered them.
In brief the author describes living in a world where women with low libidos are marginalized and pathologized, where the default is always to cater to a (presumably male) partner's higher libido, and all of the ways that female sexual autonomy and bodily integrity are sidelined in the process. As a person with a not particularly low libido, I found myself nodding along with her honest observations about the world even when I wanted to strangle her for the dishonesty and compromising (in all senses) she practiced in her relationship.
Mismatched sexual drives are obviously a problem in a relationship. This book offers no solutions, although I thought the idea of an informal sexual contract -ideally discussed early and often- was a good start. Sadly, all the 'characters' in the book were thoroughly unlikable (even sadder, they were all real people, I can only hope it's the way the author framed the matter).
I will certainly go on to read more books about this phenomenon thanks to intellectual curiosity, but my main question 'are these differences in libido really innate general differences between men and women' went unanswered... even though the author insisted she had answered them.
March 16, 2011
That the subtitle uses "my" and not "your" should tip you off, but I just want to clarify that this is a memoir, not a self-help book. It's Joan Sewell's description of her effort to improve her relationship with her husband despite their vastly differing libidos. I have to hand it to her for being honest, and for really trying every possible solution with the goal being her own increased interest in sex. She also provides sort of an informal survey of the sexpert literature, which I found interesting; I've never really read anything about the topic.
There are some very funny moments and the writing is generally clear and well-organized, though it didn't always seem to flow naturally. I could tell it was a first book from a non-writer; Sewell's academic background is in Philosophy. She's not always the most likeable narrator. She's neurotic, emotional, and self-centered. (Her husband, Kip, really puts up with a lot of crap and very little nooky. He seems like a real catch.) But despite her flaws, low-libidoed women will enjoy Sewell's point of view and relate to her struggle to make herself want something she doesn't particularly like.
There's a fair amount of very descriptive sexual material.
I comment on typos often these days. Seriously, WHERE HAVE ALL THE PROOFREADERS GONE? This book was full of simple errors.
There are some very funny moments and the writing is generally clear and well-organized, though it didn't always seem to flow naturally. I could tell it was a first book from a non-writer; Sewell's academic background is in Philosophy. She's not always the most likeable narrator. She's neurotic, emotional, and self-centered. (Her husband, Kip, really puts up with a lot of crap and very little nooky. He seems like a real catch.) But despite her flaws, low-libidoed women will enjoy Sewell's point of view and relate to her struggle to make herself want something she doesn't particularly like.
There's a fair amount of very descriptive sexual material.
I comment on typos often these days. Seriously, WHERE HAVE ALL THE PROOFREADERS GONE? This book was full of simple errors.
May 2, 2015
Don't waste your time!!!!!!!!
I am halfway through this lame book that has absolutely nothing to do with chocolate and I don't think I will finish it because I want to reach into the book and slap the writer/main character. Her and her husband deserve each other.
*Spoiler* She hates sex and he is too wimpy to ask for it even though he is utterly miserable without it.
These are the two most unlikable, uninteresting, and unadmirable people I have ever read about. And to top it off they actually exist. Also, here I am half way through the book and still no mention of chocolate, which was the whole reason I pulled it from the penny box at the library in the first place. I guess I should have looked a little closer at the cover and not just the spine of the book. Well at least it was cheap, though I'm not sure it was even worth a penny.
This is a really, really, bad book! I still can't believe people like this actually exist. It is so bizarre to me.
Read at your own peril!
I am halfway through this lame book that has absolutely nothing to do with chocolate and I don't think I will finish it because I want to reach into the book and slap the writer/main character. Her and her husband deserve each other.
*Spoiler* She hates sex and he is too wimpy to ask for it even though he is utterly miserable without it.
These are the two most unlikable, uninteresting, and unadmirable people I have ever read about. And to top it off they actually exist. Also, here I am half way through the book and still no mention of chocolate, which was the whole reason I pulled it from the penny box at the library in the first place. I guess I should have looked a little closer at the cover and not just the spine of the book. Well at least it was cheap, though I'm not sure it was even worth a penny.
This is a really, really, bad book! I still can't believe people like this actually exist. It is so bizarre to me.
Read at your own peril!
March 18, 2011
Truthfully I felt that this book would lend into more research on her part and become an interesting subject to read about, however I felt that it focused more on her personal life and problems. Sadly I don't think it was written much better than an [extremely long] high school paper as far as form goes.
It began fairly interesting, lending me to believe it would be a good book, but ended up not just not delivering. She does research and then ends up just stating what she personally believes as if it is a scientific fact for everyone. And I feel bad for the way in which she talks about her husband, as if he was actually emotionally incapable of understanding what she is dealing with.
While it is a fairly smooth read and she throws a bit of humor in, I am not sure I would suggest unless the reader viewed it more as a personal memoir.
It began fairly interesting, lending me to believe it would be a good book, but ended up not just not delivering. She does research and then ends up just stating what she personally believes as if it is a scientific fact for everyone. And I feel bad for the way in which she talks about her husband, as if he was actually emotionally incapable of understanding what she is dealing with.
While it is a fairly smooth read and she throws a bit of humor in, I am not sure I would suggest unless the reader viewed it more as a personal memoir.
November 16, 2011
Joan Sewell candidly and courageously chronicles how she and husband Kip deal with their libido mismatch. Prompted by a glamor magazine article, she asked then-boyfriend Kip how much sex he would have if he could have as much as he wanted. His answer—5 or 6 times a week—is at odds with her once or twice a month. Joan has clearly read most of the sexperts' advice, as most of the short chapters refer to various approaches she tries, discards, and constructively critiques from a feminist perspective. Although her writing at times is funny and often insightful, I tire of Joan's issues towards the end. It's unclear how much effort she really has committed to the project, and seems a bit having-your-cake-and-eating-it-too; early on she led Kip to believe she was more interested in sex. I think the book would be more interesting if Kip wrote from his perspective as well.
April 6, 2008
Well, I saw "Chocolate" and grabbed the book. The author is struggling with her low libido which motivates her to try everything from therapy to women's magazine advice on "How To Spice Up Your Love Life." She also takes a look at the marketing of women today - you can be an astrophysicist but you'd better look like a Playboy Bunny while you're saving the world.
Only a line or two about chocolate. Sigh.
Only a line or two about chocolate. Sigh.
March 23, 2011
Oh - I liked this. Libido is such a fascinating subject. I'm not sure I'd rather eat chocolate, but I know Id often rather read a book! An honest, down to earth account of one woman's struggle to understand her libido (or lack of). I'm not sure my partner would be as understanding as hers was, but it could definitely help open up communication lines.
June 26, 2013
This is a memoir, but a terrible one. She pays a lot of lip service to feminism, to making sure that women shouldn't always have to submit to unwanted sex just to keep a man (btw, my first problem: in this book, low-libido = woman and high-libido = man) but in the end throws all that out to keep her husband, who is an asshole. Just...no.
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April 2, 2008 I like this. I am currently reading too. The author writes about her relationship with her husband which is both humorous and touching. What do you do if you and your spouse don't have the same level of desire??
August 28, 2016
The author deserves credit for her seemingly forthrightness but the light she sheds upon her state of being leaves something to be desired: more research of relevant literature and additional rewriting of her narrative.
Two-and-a-half stars.
April 22, 2008
I found this book interesting because of all the different contradictory advice about sex that the author grapples with as she tries to save her marriage.
March 3, 2009
This was a really depressing book. I feel so sorry for both Joan Sewell and her husband.
March 22, 2010
While interesting, not quite what I expected. I thought it was going to be fiction but is one woman's journey. Some really good parts but overall, not the best book.
August 23, 2010
Well, I loved the first half of the book--it was hilarious! But the second half dragged a bit. Not to mention not exactly written for those who might consider themselves realatively conservative.
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August 4, 2011Showed promise at start, getting rather repetitive.
Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews