I Have to Be Perfect: And Other Parsonage Heresies

by Timothy L. Sanford

Was your father or mother a pastor, evangelist, rabbi, denominational superintendent, worship minister, missionary or key leader of a para-church organization?

If so, then this book is for you ... not about you, for you.

Whether you think your experience was good or bad, the truth is, it was both.

"I have to be perfect!" If you've ever told yourself this lie, you need to check out Timothy Sanford's book. Whether you've grown-up in a ministry family or struggle with perfectionism, you'll find encouragement, challenge, and inspiration in Tim's writing. Tim shares some of his personal story and insights from years of professional counseling!

Tim Sanford is a missionary’s kid, an ordained minister and an author who is in private practice as a licensed professional counselor. He has seen it all, heard it all, and now touches it all with candor, honesty, sarcasm and power. Tim opens up the mind of the PK, and helps you take an honest, deep look at the conclusions you may have drawn from your own PK experiences.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Self Help, Christian Living

145 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1998

Reviews

[AC Rypkema · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such an honor to read this book, as it was written by my summer supervisor, the incredible Tim Sanford :) Sanford takes sound psychology and sound theology and blends them together in a beautiful way. Though I’m not a MK or TCK, I think this book can be applicable in many ways for anyone who grew up in the church.

“The issues of perfectionism, anxiety, forgiveness, and an honest pursuit of God, are not unique to PKs, but PKs are the ones who are not allowed to struggle with these issues.”

Sanford beautifully walks readers through what it was like to live in a “glasshouse”— if your parent was a minister, pastor, evangelist, etc. before they were a mom or dad. He explores nine different heresies about ourselves, the world, and ultimately God: that He is disappointed with us, dumping the baby (God) out with the bath water (church politics).

My favorite chapter was the one on forgiveness, which redefined my definition of what it means to fully reconcile. I also loved his challenge of church language: how we so often misuse scripture to put a bandaid over these big wounds/lies, failing to fully combat these nine heresies and correct our thinking.

The importance of the “and” was helpful in making light of this in my personal walk as well— that things were hard AND things were also good (as no parent or upbringing is perfect ofc). All in all, some good things to consider this summer as I’m focusing on the family;) and around many different kinds of families and ministries!

[Shakespearegirl · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the first 2/3rds (I found the descriptions of various struggles validating and explained quite well), but then it turned into a slightly bizarre self help book.

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the books that verbalized all my feelings, thoughts, hurts, etc.... On my way to recovery.

[Eliana Marcum · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a missionary kid… I needed this so bad. I still need the reminders that these mindsets that have controlled my life are NOT biblical or even healthy. This book was the start to healing a brokenness that I couldn’t even begin to explain or understand before. I would recommend to any preacher kid or missionary kid out there but also to their parents or people who just want to understand our minds. God has really spoken into my life through this book, thank you!!

[Alan Steier · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sanford does a good job in identifying the key heresies that potentially follow preacher's kids and missionary's kids. He is fully qualified to talk about these challenges because he comes from that world himself. The final three chapters of the book are gold for dealing with the heresies. Appreciated his candor and humor.

[Kenji · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book exploring some of the hardships that MKs and PKs specifically face as they navigate life in their unique context. Of course they were generalities so it's not going to be true for everyone, but Tim did a wonderful job of inviting PKs and MKs to dive into their own hearts and how God wants to bring healing to them and reveal to them the truth of who He is!

[Mallory · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think anyone who "grew up in the church," not just PKs and MKs, could benefit from reading this book. It's certainly eye-opening to realize some of the things that get inculcated in the mind unintentionally and how much that molds and shapes one's faith going forward.

[Connor · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was fine but I think this book was aimed for adults, more than kids.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful. Honest.

[Cyrus Nelsen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gives great insight into the struggles of both missionary and pastor's kids.

[Ellie Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are a preachers kid or a missionary kid, you might find this book goes past the behavior and goes straight to the heart of beliefs. It’s a good read

[mollie waldrop · Rating 3 out of 5]

every pastor, missionary, or ministry kid would greatly benefit from reading this book.

[Maddie Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book geared towards PKs and MKs - a MUST READ!!! So good, I think I want to buy it!

[paris · Rating 3 out of 5]

3/5⭐️

[Heather Racey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ll be honest. I was fully prepared to give this book a 1-star review when I started it. I had jumped ahead to a chapter that stood out to me, and the author’s tone struck me as bitter and cynical. The galley layout and front cover are poorly designed, and overall, it doesn’t seem a very professional publishing job. I was not optimistic about its positive qualities.

I cracked the binding and started with the Introduction where I learned that the author, a fellow PK, MK, and licensed therapist who specializes in ministry-related cases, is extremely sarcastic in his manner of writing. Things only improved from there. The purpose of the book is to help pastors kids realize heresies so subtext, they don’t even realize the lies that they’ve deeply believed that have roots in many different aspects of their lives. I had a good childhood. But this book helped me be honest about the ugly aspects of my childhood that I— and everyone else— would rather I just forget and spurred on in my heart a preparedness to face the heresies I’ve allowed to permeate my head and my heart. This book may be unprofessional, but it is most certainly affective.

[Caleb Stober · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this to be a light read, which was for the most part enjoyable (the author is witty, and many of his points are laid out with the help of story-examples, which massively helps applicability).

Though it advertises itself as applicable to MKs as well, I found a lot of the topics were only significantly applicable to MK PKs, or MKs of church planting missionaries. Not being one of those, some of the issues Sanford raises were not immediately relatable; however, that's just a consequence of having a target audience and me being slightly outside of it.

I did find chapter 16, "This Thing Called Forgiveness" to be insightful into, well, forgiveness. I've been thinking about what it is and isn't lately, and this provided me with some good food for thought.

[Alison]

You might find it cheesy and not “eloquent”. The author wants to be direct about an avoided topic so he embraces the sarcasm and writes like he’s talking at you. The content was beneficial. It was encouraging for him to state that whether you had a good or bad or somewhere in between experience, you can acknowledge the spectrum of experiences without feeling judged. You are likely to have (often unintentionally by you or others) developed some wrong ways of thinking because of the unique culture surrounding you. It’s good for anyone to read because you may be hindering or helping kids who grow up in ministry and it may give understanding into the struggles of your spouse, friend, etc.

[Karith Amel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Would this book be stronger if it were more in-depth and contained stronger biblical backing for its points (and less pointless, semi-obnoxious humor)? Absolutely. But as a book to get you thinking about the "heresies" you might have inadvertently swallowed as a child, it was fairly effective. Sobering, but effective.

[Christel · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book contains insightful thoughts on the lies believed by many pastor's/missionary kids and also suggest some practical ways to approach healing.

[Steve Henry · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author has some good points but those good points were often lost in his sarcastic and dismissive writing style.

[Christa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good overview of beliefs that PKs/MKs are susceptible to and how to combat them. Loved the chapter on Forgiveness.

[Bex · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wish he would've gotten experiences from PKs and MKs with positive memories. I connected with some of his writing, but felt like a lot of it was extreme.