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Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late
Each year more than five-million couples separate in the United States and almost 1.2 million more couples divorce. While there are numerous books designed for the spouse who wants to separate or divorce, there are few resources for those who want to reconcile the relationship. This book is written specifically for the man whose wife has walked out on him and wants to win her back. It includes step-by-step, easy-to-understand instructions and advice. Real-life examples offer insight into how other men won their wives back and a workbook section helps men develop a personalized game plan for their individual situations. Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late offers simple steps that God can use to restore hope and make a positive difference in a marriage relationship.
178 pages, Hardcover
First published June 1, 1999
154 people are currently reading
140 people want to read
About the author
Gary Smalley
294 books122 followersGary Smalley was one of the country's best-known authors and speakers on family relationships. He was the award-winning, best-selling author or coauthor of sixteen books, as well as several popular films and videos. The Blessing and The Two Sides of Love have won Gold Medallions, The Language of Love won the Angel Award as the best contribution to family life, and his other titles have received Silver Medallions. His national infomercial Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships has been viewed by television audiences all over the world.
Dr. Greg Smalley graduated with his doctorate degree in clinical psychology from Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola University in Southern California. He also holds master's degrees in counseling psychology (Denver Seminary) and clinical psychology (Rosemead). Dr. Smalley is the director of research and development at Smalley Relationship Center in Branson, Missouri. He lives in Ozark, Missouri with his wife, Erin, and their two daughters, Taylor and Madalyn.
Dr. Greg Smalley graduated with his doctorate degree in clinical psychology from Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola University in Southern California. He also holds master's degrees in counseling psychology (Denver Seminary) and clinical psychology (Rosemead). Dr. Smalley is the director of research and development at Smalley Relationship Center in Branson, Missouri. He lives in Ozark, Missouri with his wife, Erin, and their two daughters, Taylor and Madalyn.
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Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews
July 4, 2014
I bought the dead-tree version of this book for a desperate buddy of mine whose wife had isolated herself from him in their marriage. Amazon subsequently offered the Kindle version at a deep discount.
The rationale behind my purchase was two-fold: 1) I wanted to read what I recommended to see if I made a good choice. (I had based my purchase decision on reviews.) 2) I wanted to glean some tips and warning signs so that the quality of my own marriage doesn’t degrade to the point where I need this book. I thought it might provide “guardrails” that would protect our marriage from getting to this stage.
Smalley uses a football analogy to describe and put into context this advice. Often such analogies trivialize the process but he makes it work. For one thing many men can relate to football and this paradigm can help them relate. Even if they are not football-minded, the examples are easy to digest. He describes certain counterproductive behaviors as penalty flags (e.g. Blaming = grounding). He describes productive actions as yardage gains. The yardage gains/losses are an effective way to assess progress.
Obviously while winning your wife back is the goal (pun sort of intended), the focus is also in becoming a better man. This is not a playbook of tricks designed to con or placate your wife into returning to you. Rather it focuses on personal transformation to become a better man after the “game” is over (reconciliation or divorce).
Often the husband is not always entirely at fault. Smalley examines some of the dynamics (e.g. when the wife was previously the victim of abuse) at play that must be recognized and appropriately responded to in the course of this process.
There is good material in this book. I can’t help but think that it would be a good pre-marital counseling resource. It is worthy reading even if your wife has not distanced herself from you. The behaviors can enrich any marriage.
The rationale behind my purchase was two-fold: 1) I wanted to read what I recommended to see if I made a good choice. (I had based my purchase decision on reviews.) 2) I wanted to glean some tips and warning signs so that the quality of my own marriage doesn’t degrade to the point where I need this book. I thought it might provide “guardrails” that would protect our marriage from getting to this stage.
Smalley uses a football analogy to describe and put into context this advice. Often such analogies trivialize the process but he makes it work. For one thing many men can relate to football and this paradigm can help them relate. Even if they are not football-minded, the examples are easy to digest. He describes certain counterproductive behaviors as penalty flags (e.g. Blaming = grounding). He describes productive actions as yardage gains. The yardage gains/losses are an effective way to assess progress.
Obviously while winning your wife back is the goal (pun sort of intended), the focus is also in becoming a better man. This is not a playbook of tricks designed to con or placate your wife into returning to you. Rather it focuses on personal transformation to become a better man after the “game” is over (reconciliation or divorce).
Often the husband is not always entirely at fault. Smalley examines some of the dynamics (e.g. when the wife was previously the victim of abuse) at play that must be recognized and appropriately responded to in the course of this process.
There is good material in this book. I can’t help but think that it would be a good pre-marital counseling resource. It is worthy reading even if your wife has not distanced herself from you. The behaviors can enrich any marriage.
December 13, 2019
Great book, but too much American Football
There are too many references to American football. Sometimes, I had to skip some sections because I couldn't understand the terms, hence couldn't catch the point.
Aside that, the book offers practical steps for every marriage, even newlyweds.
There are too many references to American football. Sometimes, I had to skip some sections because I couldn't understand the terms, hence couldn't catch the point.
Aside that, the book offers practical steps for every marriage, even newlyweds.
July 8, 2024
Every husband should read this - prevention is better than cure. Really great thoughts in this book for husbands desiring to love their wives and have good marriage. Here are some takeaways I gleaned from the book:
Identify things that can damage your game plan of progress.
When your wife is offended, her spirit, soul, and body closes up. Although there are many ways to offend your wife, here are some principal ways: speaking harsh words, telling her that her opinion doesn’t matter, making jokes at her expense, taking her for granted, not appreciating her, not trusting her, being rude to her in front of others, and dismissing her needs.
A man does many things to close his wife’s spirit, but the key is to find ways to open it back up.
Here are attitudes that can drain a damaged spirit:
Become soft and tender towards your wife. You didn’t get to where you are quickly, so you need to be willing to spend the time to be soft and tender.
Understand as much as possible, what your wife has went through. Listening communicates to your wife that you care for her.
Acknowledge that your wife is hurting, and then admit your mistake and seek forgiveness. Seeking forgiveness opens your wife’s heart back up towards you.
Show genuine repentance. As a matter of the heart, mind, and behavior.
Listen to understand, and listen with your heart.
A good listener is patient, doesn’t do something else at the same time, is focused on the person, makes eye contact, and does not grunt responses.
Listening takes time, and that’s why so few are good at it. Your wife wants to know that she has been heard.
Solutions seem to come when both take the time to understand each other.
A genuine attitude is key when seeking forgiveness.
Having a humble spirit is probably the best way to melt your wife’s angry and closed spirit. Humility improves a situation by leaps of bounds.
Honoring your wife puts feet to the words “I love you.”
Learn to have sacrificial love. To sacrifice is to give up, and that’s what you must do for your wife - let her choose in almost every area.
Trust is a cornerstone to marriage. If trust has been broken, ask your wife for a list of things you can do to win her trust back. If she will not give you an answer, ask some of her friends to give you a list.
Don’t make it your goal to just get your wife’s trust back, make it your goal to be the man God wants you to be, and the man your wife needs.
Join an accountability group to help you be and to continue being the man you should be.
A woman has four basic needs that help her feel deeply loved:
Unconditional security—making plans, cultivating a spirit of truthfulness, etc.
Meaningful words – this is like water to a dry soul. No marriage can survive without communication. Your relationship will be as good as your communication.
Emotional, romantic bonding. Romance does not just happen.
Positive, physical touching. Nonsexual touching is extremely important for your wife. Hugging, patting, massaging, and touching in nonsexual ways.
Identify things that can damage your game plan of progress.
When your wife is offended, her spirit, soul, and body closes up. Although there are many ways to offend your wife, here are some principal ways: speaking harsh words, telling her that her opinion doesn’t matter, making jokes at her expense, taking her for granted, not appreciating her, not trusting her, being rude to her in front of others, and dismissing her needs.
A man does many things to close his wife’s spirit, but the key is to find ways to open it back up.
Here are attitudes that can drain a damaged spirit:
Become soft and tender towards your wife. You didn’t get to where you are quickly, so you need to be willing to spend the time to be soft and tender.
Understand as much as possible, what your wife has went through. Listening communicates to your wife that you care for her.
Acknowledge that your wife is hurting, and then admit your mistake and seek forgiveness. Seeking forgiveness opens your wife’s heart back up towards you.
Show genuine repentance. As a matter of the heart, mind, and behavior.
Listen to understand, and listen with your heart.
A good listener is patient, doesn’t do something else at the same time, is focused on the person, makes eye contact, and does not grunt responses.
Listening takes time, and that’s why so few are good at it. Your wife wants to know that she has been heard.
Solutions seem to come when both take the time to understand each other.
A genuine attitude is key when seeking forgiveness.
Having a humble spirit is probably the best way to melt your wife’s angry and closed spirit. Humility improves a situation by leaps of bounds.
Honoring your wife puts feet to the words “I love you.”
Learn to have sacrificial love. To sacrifice is to give up, and that’s what you must do for your wife - let her choose in almost every area.
Trust is a cornerstone to marriage. If trust has been broken, ask your wife for a list of things you can do to win her trust back. If she will not give you an answer, ask some of her friends to give you a list.
Don’t make it your goal to just get your wife’s trust back, make it your goal to be the man God wants you to be, and the man your wife needs.
Join an accountability group to help you be and to continue being the man you should be.
A woman has four basic needs that help her feel deeply loved:
Unconditional security—making plans, cultivating a spirit of truthfulness, etc.
Meaningful words – this is like water to a dry soul. No marriage can survive without communication. Your relationship will be as good as your communication.
Emotional, romantic bonding. Romance does not just happen.
Positive, physical touching. Nonsexual touching is extremely important for your wife. Hugging, patting, massaging, and touching in nonsexual ways.
August 21, 2020
Good advice using football analogies
Good material and appreciate how it's biblically based.
My top takeaways were:
* Story of the painter painting the vase instead of the wall.
* LESSON: If it's not working, try something different.
* Ask your wife to list the ways you hurt her and disappointed her, how you may have neglected or abused her, and how she felt unappreciated and unloved. This is a valuable exercise will provide you with a checklist from which to work and score points.
* A good rule of thumb is to listen to what is said; do not react to the words used.
* Make your desire to hear your wife be greater than trying to be heard. Listen to understand rather than to respond. Listen to her with your heart—hear her pain and feel her needs.
* Ask Christ to reveal what your wife needs, where she is hurting, and how she is hurting. Seek His help to identify with her pain and understand your wife better. Ask Him to help you become the man He longs for you to be.
1. Be tender, kind, and gentle with your wife.
2. Listen to your wife—don’t cut her off.
3. Have open communication, and share your feelings with her.
4. Spend time with your family, value each one, and make them a priority.
WOMEN NEED:
1. UNCONDITIONAL SECURITY.
* A plant must have sunlight if it’s to be healthy and flourishing. In marriage, providing a deep sense of security for your wife is like bathing her in warm sunlight.
* Valuing her thoughts and feelings.
* Showing patterns of truthfulness.
2. The average woman states that she needs at least one hour a day in intimate conversation to keep her marriage alive, thirst-free, and growing. 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there, 20 minutes there.
Good material and appreciate how it's biblically based.
My top takeaways were:
* Story of the painter painting the vase instead of the wall.
* LESSON: If it's not working, try something different.
* Ask your wife to list the ways you hurt her and disappointed her, how you may have neglected or abused her, and how she felt unappreciated and unloved. This is a valuable exercise will provide you with a checklist from which to work and score points.
* A good rule of thumb is to listen to what is said; do not react to the words used.
* Make your desire to hear your wife be greater than trying to be heard. Listen to understand rather than to respond. Listen to her with your heart—hear her pain and feel her needs.
* Ask Christ to reveal what your wife needs, where she is hurting, and how she is hurting. Seek His help to identify with her pain and understand your wife better. Ask Him to help you become the man He longs for you to be.
1. Be tender, kind, and gentle with your wife.
2. Listen to your wife—don’t cut her off.
3. Have open communication, and share your feelings with her.
4. Spend time with your family, value each one, and make them a priority.
WOMEN NEED:
1. UNCONDITIONAL SECURITY.
* A plant must have sunlight if it’s to be healthy and flourishing. In marriage, providing a deep sense of security for your wife is like bathing her in warm sunlight.
* Valuing her thoughts and feelings.
* Showing patterns of truthfulness.
2. The average woman states that she needs at least one hour a day in intimate conversation to keep her marriage alive, thirst-free, and growing. 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there, 20 minutes there.
November 13, 2025
Here is my testimony.. I thought it was over for me when my ex left. I gave all I had for the relationship to work but it was all failure. 4month after my partner left me for another person, I was introduced to Dr Ehijie and he helped me bring back my ex in 24hours. Now we are fully married and I am 2months pregnant. I promised Dr Ehijie that i will tell everybody about him if it works. I am very glad to be living a happy life with my love. He did it for me and I am 100% sure that he will do yours. I am a living example. Contact him directly Email: {drehijiespelltmple@gmail.com or Whatapp +2349057320942}
July 19, 2022
My relationship and business was failing Until I met Dr, Mandla who saw through my predicament and helped me with reconciliation prayers. We are reunited in love and Harmony. My relationship and business was failing Until I met Dr, Mandla who saw through my predicament and helped me with reconciliation prayers. We are reunited in love and Harmony. email: ( supremacylovespell(AT)gmail.com ) or WhatsApp +27638690967
August 24, 2018
This book spoke to me especially since I love football I was able to comprehend everything perfectly and how he related it to football.
Perfect for the alpha males who dont show emotion but love their wife and dont know how to communicate your love to them. I HIGHLY recommend reading it
Perfect for the alpha males who dont show emotion but love their wife and dont know how to communicate your love to them. I HIGHLY recommend reading it
January 5, 2021
This book turns a marriage failure into a football game. It attempts to appeal to men to recapture their marriages by using football analogies throughout. It is moderately helpful but not for everyone. I found the football stories too long and the marriage applications too short. There is good content to be found but there are other books available that are more helpful.
February 20, 2025
Great book
I recommend this book for any man that is struggling with his marriage. The things talked about will help if you are humble enough to follow the plan.
I will say not being a big football fan I could have done with less of the football references but I guess they will help with remembering them.
I recommend this book for any man that is struggling with his marriage. The things talked about will help if you are humble enough to follow the plan.
I will say not being a big football fan I could have done with less of the football references but I guess they will help with remembering them.
October 16, 2023
Overall, this book offers some good insights on marriage and relationships. It leans heavily on Football metaphors, which isn’t really appealing to me. However, it does a good job bringing in a spiritual element and quotes specific scriptures.
May 10, 2025
Solid advice throughout. However, the entire thing being related back to football becomes tired. At least this was the case for myself having never played football. Maybe those who enjoy the sport would receive it differently.
October 12, 2018
Awesome read
I used this book to get co?are to my wife. We have never separated but the information in this book still strengthened our relationship.
I used this book to get co?are to my wife. We have never separated but the information in this book still strengthened our relationship.
December 27, 2018
great lessons and tips
December 30, 2019
This puts it in football terms that guys can understand. I have recommended this book to several friends. They take a christian approach to relationships.
There are many ways to mess up, ways to lose the trust and confidence of your wife, ways to hinder your efforts to regain her trust. This book teaches by analogy to a football game; terms that most all men can understand and relate to. It has very specific advice for those who have already separated and what they need to do to mend the relationship. I found it rather disheartening to read about how bad it can be, and so was only able to read about a chapter a night.
"The foundation of all relationships is honor. Fulfilling marriages must be built upon that foundation." p xi (introduction)
"Step one. ... identify specific behaviors that are guaranteed to lose ground. ... In the game of love you can score points in two ways. You can score by doing positive things ... Or you can sustain a drive toward reconciliation by avoiding penalty flags." p13
"Step two. ... identify and understand specific patterns of behavior that can put you across
the goal line consistently with your wife. Step two will help you understand why your wife may not respond to your reconciliation attempts. When you offend your wife you usually close her spirit.
Therefore, to help you gain positive yardage, we will present the secret to opening a closed spirit."
p13
"Step three. ... honoring your wife and children." p13
"Step four. Related to honor is the concept of sacrificial love. In this step you will learn how important it is to prefer your wife above all other earthly things." p13
"Step five. ... initiate change in yourself." p14
"Step six. Understand why some women are not in a position to reconcile is the next step.
Your wife may have emotional baggage she is hauling around from a past relationship, and virtually nothing you do will make a significant difference..." p14
"Step seven. ... understand your ultimate goal after your mate leaves. As you realize that drawing closer to the Lord is the greatest thing you can do, the joy you'll experience can make the pain worthwhile and the future look brighter." p14
"Step eight. ... persistence." p14
"Step nine. ... identify a place where you can receive continuous support and accountability. Through this method, you can gain increased life span, and higher motivation and the perspective of others." p14
"Step ten. ... We identify several key factors ... that will help you to keep your winning streak going long after the reconciliation drive ends." p14-15
Write Your Own Reconciliation Game Plan Postgame Interviews
There are many ways to mess up, ways to lose the trust and confidence of your wife, ways to hinder your efforts to regain her trust. This book teaches by analogy to a football game; terms that most all men can understand and relate to. It has very specific advice for those who have already separated and what they need to do to mend the relationship. I found it rather disheartening to read about how bad it can be, and so was only able to read about a chapter a night.
"The foundation of all relationships is honor. Fulfilling marriages must be built upon that foundation." p xi (introduction)
"Step one. ... identify specific behaviors that are guaranteed to lose ground. ... In the game of love you can score points in two ways. You can score by doing positive things ... Or you can sustain a drive toward reconciliation by avoiding penalty flags." p13
"Step two. ... identify and understand specific patterns of behavior that can put you across
the goal line consistently with your wife. Step two will help you understand why your wife may not respond to your reconciliation attempts. When you offend your wife you usually close her spirit.
Therefore, to help you gain positive yardage, we will present the secret to opening a closed spirit."
p13
"Step three. ... honoring your wife and children." p13
"Step four. Related to honor is the concept of sacrificial love. In this step you will learn how important it is to prefer your wife above all other earthly things." p13
"Step five. ... initiate change in yourself." p14
"Step six. Understand why some women are not in a position to reconcile is the next step.
Your wife may have emotional baggage she is hauling around from a past relationship, and virtually nothing you do will make a significant difference..." p14
"Step seven. ... understand your ultimate goal after your mate leaves. As you realize that drawing closer to the Lord is the greatest thing you can do, the joy you'll experience can make the pain worthwhile and the future look brighter." p14
"Step eight. ... persistence." p14
"Step nine. ... identify a place where you can receive continuous support and accountability. Through this method, you can gain increased life span, and higher motivation and the perspective of others." p14
"Step ten. ... We identify several key factors ... that will help you to keep your winning streak going long after the reconciliation drive ends." p14-15
Write Your Own Reconciliation Game Plan Postgame Interviews
July 18, 2016
The only positive outcome I got from this book is the reminder of taking care, cultivating, nurturing a relationship. The constant biblical references and football analogies made me sick. Couldn't finish it, dropped it at 60%.
July 21, 2015
This is a practical guide to steps to take for men who are separated from their wives. The author uses sports stories and analogies to make the points easy to grasp.
June 23, 2018
Good counseling book, but also a great read in understanding challenging relationships.
Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews