Imperfect Endings: A Daughter's Story of Love, Loss, and Letting Go

by Zoe FitzGerald Carter

Zoe Carter’s busy life on the West Coast with her husband and daughters takes an unexpected detour when her glamorous, independent-minded mother, Margaret, tired of living with Parkinson’s disease, decides she wants to “end things.” As Zoe and her sisters negotiate over whether or not they should support Margaret’s choice and who should be there at the end, their discussions stir up old alliances and animosities, along with memories of a childhood dominated by their elegant mother and philandering father. Capturing the stresses and the joys of the “sandwich generation” while bringing a provocative new perspective to the assisted suicide debate, Imperfect Endings is the uplifting story of a woman determined to die on her own terms and the family who has to learn to let her go.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography, Death, American, Autobiography, Book Club

288 pages, Paperback

First published March 2, 2010

Reviews

[Irene · Rating 5 out of 5]

Disclaimer: I went to this book because my mother also engineered her own death. Unlike Carter's mother, mine did not suffer from illness or disability. For her, a chosen or engineered death was an act of free choice or, in her words, self-determination.

I found this book brave, insightful and very comforting in an odd manner. I suspect that if you haven't been "there" you may never fully appreciate Carter's struggles. When a parent seeks death as a release from a life of pain or, as in my own mother's case, a life of dependency, the mix of emotion is particularly difficult to sort. Carter handles this challenge remarkably well. I admire how she uses the power of memory to show her mother as a whole person rather than just someone struggling to die with a degree of dignity. I also appreciate the use of past events to illustrate the relationship between Carter, her sisters and her parents.

It would be easy to focus solely upon how Carter's mother seeks death. That in itself, is a powerful story. However, I am more interested in understanding the family dynamic. By including stories from childhood onward, Carter provides readers with a broad and honest vision of her family. In the end, I felt I understood why her mother chose a deliberate death and why Carter supported this heartbreaking choice.

Memoir is a genre that requires absolute honesty. Yet, there is a tendency on the part of some memoirists to shy away when encountering less than flattering details of themselves. Carter readily admits to a collection of mixed emotions about her mother's final journey toward death. It is this unflinching honesty and thoughtfulness that makes this such a compelling read.

This is not a book for everyone and some may find Carter's mother selfish in her decisions. However, for those seeking understanding of the right-to-die movement and the choices facing family involved in "good deaths", I highly recommend Imperfect Endings.

[Shelby Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

I struggled with this book. Not because the writing was bad or the story was boring. The complete opposite actually. I thought Zoe FitzGerald Carter told her story with elegance and beauty. I struggled because I don't know how I would react. It caused me to think and question my own thoughts and feelings on the morality of physician assisted suicide. It caused me to feel for the mother and her children. I wanted everyone to come out okay when in reality there is no "everyone wins" scenario.

Something I did learn: don't read the ending of this book on an airplane. I was ugly crying and I am SURE the people in the seats next to me were wondering how fast they could get away from the crazy woman in the window seat!

[Mary BookHounds · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such a heartfelt and beautifully written story about the author and her mother's determination to end her life on her terms. I couldn't imagine that anyone could put into words the grief and anguish that must have occurred when Carter's mother announced she was determined to no longer live with her debilitating health. Carter does an excellent job bringing forth her mother's strong personality and background so that you can understand the history and reasons behind her mother's actions. I really felt that the author chose the high road and tried to look on the positive side of things by reminiscing about her childhood and her parent's background so that you could really understand why her mother was determined to go through with assisted suicide.

There are quite a few important points brought forward by this book that will become even more in import to people in the future as more of us start to age. Carter's mother always determined her own fate and wanted to end her life when she felt she should go, not when her body was actually done living. After recently losing my mother to cancer quite quickly, I can see that if my mother had the time, I think she might have chosen this method as well. I know that I would like to keep this option open for myself. I can see why this book might not be popular with a lot of people, but it will bring about some very important questions about the quality of life and what it truly means to control your own destiny.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved the book. Zoe is a wonderful writer. The story is complicated, sad, revealing and happy, all I’m one. Recommend it fully.

[Brian · Rating 3 out of 5]

This extremely hard memoir to read is about a woman who has Parkinson's and she wants to end her life. So she calls her kids in, her three daughters and wants to die in front of her. This book deals with the painful topic of death, and tells the story of a woman who wants to die on her own terms. IT wasn't particularly shocking but it was definitely memorable.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had a grandparent on each side of my family that suffered with Parkinson's, so I really related to this story. This is a great book to open dialogue about quality of life with terminal illness.

[Sharon Orlopp · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible journey of a mother and three daughters when it is time for the mother's time on earth to end. First book for Zoe Carter and I highly recommend it!

[Lori · Rating 5 out of 5]

It took me quite awhile to finish this book if you can see the dates I started & ended. Not anything to do with the book, just my busy life. That being said .....

Wow. WHAT a story. In many ways. Sad because I imagine that for the daughters this could not have been an easy long term struggle to listen and deal with their mum wanting to commit suicide. Listening to her going over & over possibilities and dates ... ugh it must have been a crazy train kind of time period. And yet, they stood by their mum and listened and took in what her wishes were for her own life and the type of life she was living.

I can somewhat understand the frustration at times, as my father has tried many times to commit suicide and has talked about trying again. It’s a crazy and completely dysfunctional conversation to have when it’s not health related and more an emotional situation. On the other hand, I live with constant pain and health issues that I’ve struggled with for decades and have to be honest I’ve thought, if I wasn’t here my family wouldn’t have to deal with this. That’s where my thinking ends, my health issues won’t kill me, they just make me feel they are. I couldn’t leave my girls or husband.

This story is so far different than my familial situation and yet close enough I can empathize. Within that empathy, I can also say this was a truly well written book. The Author made you feel like you were part of the story and could envision what everyone was going through as the book unfolded. Sad in many ways, and yet wonderful how the family all came together to be the backbone of the next family member

[Debbie Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a true story of a mother who had lived with Parkinson’s for 20 years, and wanted to spare her three daughters the pain of having to witness her health declining further. The author’s mother wants her daughters around her when the time comes. The children don’t want their mother to end her life, yet feel obliged to honor her wishes.

This is a difficult situation to be in as the children have their own lives and the indecisiveness of when and how to “do it” consumes them. I can see how the daughters were in a “no win” situation. Trying to run their own families as well as honoring their mother’s wishes.
After the mother dies, a friend is asked to speak at her funeral and stated:

“Many of you have mentioned Margaret’s physical beauty. And she was beautiful. But she was also strong. And on this occasion I want to salute that strength and in particular the brave choice she made at the end of her life. By her example, she has given us all a tremendous gift. As each of us faces our own death, we’ll have the memory and knowledge of how Margaret faced hers. From her, we can draw strength and hope and possibility.”

I love this statement! It’s what makes this book worth the read!

[Matina · Rating 3 out of 5]

My husband was diagnosed with early onset Parkinson's disease at 57.his symptoms were shuffling of feet,slurred speech, low volume speech, degradation of hand writing, horrible driving skills, right arm held at 45 degree angle, things were tough for me, but now he finally free from the disease with the help of total cure from ULTIMATE LIFE CLINIC, he now walks properly and all symptoms has reversed, he had trouble with balance especially at night, getting into the shower and exiting it is difficult,getting into bed is also another thing he finds impossible.we had to find a better solution for his condition which has really helped him a lot,the biggest helped we had was ultimate life clinic they walked us through the proper steps,am highly recommended this www.ultimatelifeclinic.com to anyone who needs help.

[Luciano Elementi · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good memoir about Zoe's mom, it is a bit lengthy-detailed yet enjoyable where you do not want to skip a story o miss a piece. I enjoined thinking about the main character mind, and the liberty of the choice we make with our-own life. We may not agree, sure, but that is how far we can really go. It is definitely a good job, worth reading because of making you think, possibly more, about living. Thank you Zoe for bringing this to light

[Jeanmarie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a suspenseful novel with regards to the passing of the mother. The work could have used some editing as every little point in the story wasn’t as interesting.

The chapter about the feather was perfect.

[Kerri O’Neil · Rating 5 out of 5]

“I pause for a moment to let the day burn into me, vivid and timeless and static, as if it was something I could return to again and again. Like a photograph or a memory, but with all the beautiful sounds and smells of life”

[Deborah · Rating 5 out of 5]

So honest. So touching. So real.

[Peg · Rating 1 out of 5]

Daughters get frustrated with mom as she keeps changing the date she will end her life of sickness.

[Kelly Lang · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this memoir of a matriarch dying and how it affects her daughters. Enjoyed the stories of her adolescence and how it affected her relationship with her mother.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderfully written and emotionally insightful...a book I would cite from when teaching how to write memoir.

[Jennifer Lopez · Rating 4 out of 5]

Memorable read. Wonderful story of a mother suffering illness and wanting her daughters to embrace her decision to end her life. Took me a bit to get into but the end pulled it all together.

[Kelly Junno]

I read different books for different reasons, and although I might be somewhat of a literary snob, I am also able to see merit in books that aren't written by someone who used a male pseudonym (thank you very much). So while I may not have read Imperfect Endings for the grandeur of its writing, I did feel that it had something to offer beyond just the subject matter at hand, and to me, that is the mark of any good book. Zoe FitzGerald Carter writes about her mother's planned suicide and her and her siblings' involvement with it, but really the book is about family and about a person's emotional limits when dealing with something that will bring you beyond them if you let it. Carter's honesty about her feelings was refreshing and moving, as a memoirist's honesty is always a gift to the reader, the kind of thing that makes you want to thank them at the end. The vignette's she included about her family life growing up had a humanizing effect on the whole book, as they acquainted the reader with her family, yet at the same time were esoteric enough to remind us of our own specially held memories that are, almost by definition, less meaningful to everyone else. The only thing I really did not like was the ending and how it tied everything up in a neat little package. Even if the event that occurs at the very end did actually occur, it came off as superstitious and cheesy, and would have been better off left to the lovely little scene that it followed up earlier on in the book.

[Tj · Rating 4 out of 5]

I just finished Imperfect Endings - WOW. Zoe Carter's mom has lived with a Parkinson's for 20 years. She decides that she doesn't want to subject herself or her family to witnessing her further decline. She wants to end her life.

Regardless of how you feel about end of life decisions, this is an amazing, intimate, difficult journey that Zoe Carter takes us on. We are there as Zoe and her sisters come to terms with their mother's decisions. We have a front row seat as her mother explores the different options open to her. We also witness Zoe's anger (maybe that is not the correct feeling) when her mother waffle's back and forth on the how and when. Zoe lives several states away, has two young children, and feels trapped. She wants to be there for her mom and sisters but needs to be at home with her husband and kids. If you have an aging parent you can understand this all too well - pulled in too many directions at once.

This is a fierce group of women. They fight, drag up old feelings and dramas, and at the end are closer and stronger than ever. Carter doesn't shy away from showing it all - the good, the bad, and the parts that are usually kept hidden from the public. This is a difficult but remarkable story of family.

[Carla Ford · Rating 5 out of 5]

All family dynamics are different, and outsiders can never truly understand the workings of anyone else's family. Zoe certainly had a lot to deal with here, and I can only hope that I would be able to handle the same situation with the same grace and patience. There were several times, as I read her story, that I would like to have had a little talk with her mother and tell her to stop and give her children a little consideration and respect. But, that's why I tried to keep in mind that the inner workings of every family are unique to that family. Having said all that, I thought this book addressed a very sensitive subject in a wonderfully open and direct manner, and certainly did cause me to assess some of my own feelings about how I would like to die if my circumstances were similar. I never really understood the need for "assisted suicide", wondering why any help would be needed, so there were some eye openers for me in the book. Overall, I am glad that I read the book, and I don't think that I will forget it if there comes a time when I am faced with possibly making the same hard decision for myself, or supporting a loved one if that need arose for me.

[Sevenponds · Rating 4 out of 5]

In her memoir, Imperfect Endings, Carter presents a year of struggling not only with her mother’s impending death, but also with the legal and emotional issues of assisted suicide, with candor, humor, and a desperate introspection. Woven into the narrative are Zoe’s memories of her childhood, her father’s death years earlier, and the struggles she has faced throughout her life with her relationships with her sisters, her mother, and her late father.

Carter does an incredible job of engaging the reader with the reality of the events she faced and the emotions she experienced. As she points out throughout the book, assisted suicide is illegal where her mother lives, and regardless of her daughters’ beliefs about her decision, Margaret’s fantasy of peacefully ending her life with the girls at her side poses an enormous legal risk to Zoe and her sisters and their families. This clear legal issue pops up throughout the story, never letting the reader forget for long the debate that has arisen in this country surrounding the right to die.

[Continued]


Full SevenPonds Review:
http://blog.sevenponds.com/lending-in...

[Readnponder · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author's mother wishes to end her life via euthanasia. Mom suffers from Parkinson's and a host of other medical problems. In addition, she wants her daughters around her when the time comes. Her children don't wish for their mother to end her life, yet feel compelled to honor her wishes ... hopefully without implicating themselves in a crime.

The book illustrated how complicated end-of-life decisions can be. It is not black and white. In this case, the mother would set a date and then as it neared, she postponed her plans. She also vascillated on the method her euthanasia would take. She put incredible stress on her daughter during this time, often pulling her away from the needs of her own young children. One can see how the "sandwich" generation is caught in a difficult bind.

The narrative dragged through the many childhood flashbacks. But perhaps these were necessary in order to understand the family dynamics that were in place the final months of the mother's life.

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This memoir is Zoe FitzGerald Carter's story of her mother's decision to end her life after a long decline with Parkinson's disease. Carter, a mother of 2 young children living on the west coast has to juggle the logistics of helping her mother through this difficult ordeal in Washington DC as well as the emotional roller coaster of having a mother who no longer wants to live. Although the subject matter was very interesting and I appreciate how difficult it must have been for Carter to bare her emotions in this book, I found it difficult to relate to (or even like) Carter's mother. The mother waffles on her decision of when she should end her life as well as the method. In flashbacks of Carter's childhood, her mother comes across as self-absorbed and this behavior stays with her in her plans for suicide. I did find parts of this book to be very touching, but lacking in the spirituality and closure I was hoping for with this book.

[Conal · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick impressions:

Zoe Carter struggles with her mom's decision for assisted suicide. Her mom has Parkinson's disease. What I find a little annoying throughout the book is Carter's non-reflective stance about why it would make sense for her mother to kill herself and that it would be difficult for her to accept it. In the midst of the struggle, she describes herself as constantly not wanting her mother to commit suicide and even after one moment when she calls up her mother and gives her blessings to proceed with suicide, Carter somewhat reverses course and goes back into regret mode and "why must she kill herself"? I can understand these sentiments while in the middle of it, but given that this book was written after the fact, I would have liked her to work much more with the gap between her not wanting her suffering mother to commit suicide and her desire for her suffering mom to continue living.

[Catherine · Rating 2 out of 5]

Carter’s mother has Parkinson’s disease and a variety of other health issues. When her mother’s health deteriorates to a certain extent, she informs her daughters that she is contemplating ending her life.

We’re taken through the several month long process of Carter’s mother not only discovering how to commit suicide but also deciding when the time is right for her to proceed with the end of her life.

Carter and her sisters begin to be put out by their mother’s indecisiveness and are annoyed by the disruptions to their lives. I was disgusted by Carter’s immaturity and selfishness. The writing suffered from not only a deficiency of skill but also a lack of depth of emotion and Carter’s superficiality.

A much better book along this same genre was Welcome to the Departure Lounge by Meg Federico.

[Nancy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Zoe's mother had parkinson and other illnesses that limited her mobility and quality of life. She decides that ending her own life, before illness ended it for her was her best option. Rather than decide and move forward though, Zoe is brought into the process and flies back and forth across the country as he mother steels herself for the final moment. In the end, she opts to go without food or drink. Imperfect Endings felt at times as if it were never ending- lots of details and blow by blow conversations that made the story drag. I'm sure it was very therapeutic for the author, who lived through this - but it was at times grim for the reader. That said, it was interesting to get a peak into the lives of people whose belief systems were so different from my own and yet who went through a similar parental death.

[Melia Dunn · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you have a soul, you will need a box of tissues to accompany this book. This memoir tells the story of a daughter's heartbreak and grief over her mother's choice to hasten her dying process. Although its not a topic most of us want to think about or discuss over dinner parties, it is an important one for any adult child who will one day face their parents' mortality. The concept of dying on one's owns terms is difficult and wrought with variables such as sound mental health, managing pain, managing pride and understanding the effects of those who will be left behind to grieve. This book holds immense sadness, but also shares moments of joy, tenderness and humanity that shed a kind perspective on the choice of life and letting go.

[Jan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zoe Carter is a busy wife and mother living on the West Coast.
Her mother, Margaret is a glamorous, vivid woman who is living with Parkinson's disease. She is tired of being so sick and wants to end her life. Zoe and her sisters struggle with this decision along with the ones such as should they help her and should they be there for the end.
This is a very demanding read and not an easy one. I would recommend this to anyone struggling with a very ill family member. It would also make an excellent book club choice. there are so many hot button topics, from family loyalty to the assisted suicide debate.

[Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

A eyeopening look into the feelings of someone losing their mother. I am amazed that Zoe was able to put her feelings out there for everyone to see. I know first hand how very difficult it is to lose your mother. Especially if it is someone that you are very close to and have seen them slowly get more and more ill.
The ups and downs and the trials of trying to maintain your life as well as to look after someone that is ill.
The book made me reflect on my life and my relationship with my mother and my sister. Although Zoe is writing about herself the book isn't ME, ME, Me! Well written and I am sure will be helpful to many getting over a parent's death or going thru a parent dying.