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Trauma and the Avoidant Client: Attachment-Based Strategies for Healing (Norton Professional Books
A large segment of the therapy population consist of those who are in denial or retreat from their traumatic experiences. Here, drawing on attachment-based research, the author provides clinical techniques, specific intervention strategies, and practical advice for successfully addressing the often intractable issues of trauma.
Trauma and the Avoidant Client will enhance
the skills of all mental health practitioners and trauma workers, and will serve as a valuable, useful resource to facilitate
change and progress in psychotherapy.
Trauma and the Avoidant Client will enhance
the skills of all mental health practitioners and trauma workers, and will serve as a valuable, useful resource to facilitate
change and progress in psychotherapy.
224 pages, Hardcover
First published July 19, 2010
92 people are currently reading
1043 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
January 25, 2016
Excellent book. This hit the trifecta for me: it's relevant to my clinical experience; it includes useful interventions, as well as believable theory; and it's very readable. Even clinical texts in the areas that interest me most can be hard for me to read all at once; but this one was compelling enough to keep coming back to.
This book focuses on successful clinical engagement of people who have experienced trauma, and who present to therapy with an avoidant style of attachment (as you might infer from its title). It's very thorough, addressing treatment from intake to termination; and integrates case studies and practical advice into the rest of the text really effectively. I particularly appreciate that the author does not present only cases that are flattering to his ego as a therapist; nor does he proceed on the assumption that other therapists are perfect superhumans who will never make mistakes.
It's very common, in my experience, to read books on client populations who are more challenging to work with, and find page upon page of victim-blaming. Clients are labeled resistant to treatment, or are described with value-laden language that pretends to be merely clinical. That doesn't happen here. While the author is forthright about common impacts of trauma and avoidant attachment, he also writes very directly about therapist reactions to these--and not, again, in terms which ignore our own darker feelings and impulses. His transparent address of his areas of struggle and difficulty in practice makes this far more accessible, and leaves room for the reading clinician to openly engage their own challenges and emotional triggers in this area.
Highly recommended for practicing clinicians at any level; even more highly recommended for clinical supervisors, interns, and students--I wish I'd had this book years ago.
This book focuses on successful clinical engagement of people who have experienced trauma, and who present to therapy with an avoidant style of attachment (as you might infer from its title). It's very thorough, addressing treatment from intake to termination; and integrates case studies and practical advice into the rest of the text really effectively. I particularly appreciate that the author does not present only cases that are flattering to his ego as a therapist; nor does he proceed on the assumption that other therapists are perfect superhumans who will never make mistakes.
It's very common, in my experience, to read books on client populations who are more challenging to work with, and find page upon page of victim-blaming. Clients are labeled resistant to treatment, or are described with value-laden language that pretends to be merely clinical. That doesn't happen here. While the author is forthright about common impacts of trauma and avoidant attachment, he also writes very directly about therapist reactions to these--and not, again, in terms which ignore our own darker feelings and impulses. His transparent address of his areas of struggle and difficulty in practice makes this far more accessible, and leaves room for the reading clinician to openly engage their own challenges and emotional triggers in this area.
Highly recommended for practicing clinicians at any level; even more highly recommended for clinical supervisors, interns, and students--I wish I'd had this book years ago.
June 27, 2022
I’ve listened to the audiobook version of the book for several months. Not because it wasn’t good, but because I didn’t want to miss anything and to take in and process what I learnt. There isn’t much focus on treatment plans for the avoidant clients, and the attachment needs of the group is easily buried in other things, especially in todays hectic health care system. The book has a lot of useful examples and ideas about how to help people with avoidant personalities and underlying trauma. It was well worth my time.
July 12, 2025
Ottimo libro di orientamento psicodinamico relativo ai clienti evitanti.
June 20, 2024
This is a book written by a therapist for fellow therapists about dealing with client identified with having avoidant attachment style.
The book is successful in (1) describing attachment-avoidant behaviors in general (2) identifying the key issues in developing therapeutic relationships with such clients.
2 stars because
(1) Diagnositic ambivalence. The differences between various behavioral disorders and their normative counterparts are rarely addressed. Would you call someone avoidant if they don't want strings attached solely because that's how they want to live their fullest life? For example, the book identifies cutting off relationships and minimizing emotional attachments as two of the signature behaviors of avoidant clients. But can a line be drawn between someone who impulsively adopts these as coping mechanisms and those who willingly do so out of the necessity to move on/grow/stay responsible for one's own life? Maybe the line is subtle in clinic, but I think/hope the therapy world is mature enough to have one.
(2) the writing is immature (almost like a high schooler chatting with you), heavily repetitive, non-scholarly and yet pretending to be, not well structured most of the times.
The book is successful in (1) describing attachment-avoidant behaviors in general (2) identifying the key issues in developing therapeutic relationships with such clients.
2 stars because
(1) Diagnositic ambivalence. The differences between various behavioral disorders and their normative counterparts are rarely addressed. Would you call someone avoidant if they don't want strings attached solely because that's how they want to live their fullest life? For example, the book identifies cutting off relationships and minimizing emotional attachments as two of the signature behaviors of avoidant clients. But can a line be drawn between someone who impulsively adopts these as coping mechanisms and those who willingly do so out of the necessity to move on/grow/stay responsible for one's own life? Maybe the line is subtle in clinic, but I think/hope the therapy world is mature enough to have one.
(2) the writing is immature (almost like a high schooler chatting with you), heavily repetitive, non-scholarly and yet pretending to be, not well structured most of the times.
December 27, 2017
It is nice to have all of this information in one place. Although a lot of the information in this book is very basic and is excellent reading for the novice therapist, it also provides a nice refresher for more experienced therapists. All behaviour serves a purpose, and this book does a beautiful job of conceptualizing the avoidance behaviours of clients with histories of relational trauma, and providing a map for how to work these behaviours constructively in therapy.
January 24, 2022
A highly clinically focused book, but I disagree with another review that says it's only of benefit to therapists. As a therapist I learned a lot from it, particularly given the lack of books and readable material on the presentation and treatment of predominantly avoidantly attached clients in therapy. As someone who also goes to therapy, I was also able to recognize some of my own avoidant patterns and how they show up in my life as well as with my therapist. Readable, interesting, and important, especially given the clinical niche.
March 15, 2024
A fascinating look at avoidant attachment through the lens of a therapist-client relationship. I learned that attachment style can show up quite prominently in a clinical relationships and even evoke “countertransferrence” in therapists. Some takeaways: challenging deactivation is important/effective and avoidant attachers may show hallmarks of idealizing their caregivers/using defensive exclusion to block out painful memories.
April 22, 2021
Sebenarnya saya mencari buku tentang Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD), namun rupanya buku ini menjelaskan persoalan yang sepintas mirip tapi sebenarnya lain, yaitu avoidant of attachment. Lebih khususnya lagi, buku ini menyasar kepada terapis dalam menghadapi klien yang mengalami persoalan tersebut. Klien seperti ini mendatangi terapis tentunya karena ada masalah yang mengganggu, tapi mereka sulit diajak bekerja sama untuk membuka diri.
Ciri orang yang avoidant of attachment adalah menampakkan pribadi yang kuat, tegar, mandiri, intelektual, dan memang dapat berfungsi dalam kehidupan normal, namun kesulitan menghadapi problem yang berkenaan dengan keintiman, kelekatan, kepercayaan, kerentanan diri, dan semacamnya. Ia juga menyangkal rasa pahit dan sakit dari masa lalu, terutama yang diakibatkan oleh kehilangan, pengabaian, dan atau penyiksaan dari pengasuhnya semasa kecil. Untuk mengatasi trauma masa kecil, mereka cenderung mengubur atau mengecilkan pengalaman tersebut, bahkan mengidealkan pelakunya (yang biasanya orang tua). Penghindaran (avoidance) merupakan mekanisme bertahan untuk mengurangi emosi negatif yang timbul dari berbagai peristiwa traumatis itu. Untuk menghindar pun sesungguhnya makan energi yang lumayan. Lari dari kenyataan itu tak kalah melelahkan; maju kena mundur kena!
Begitulah sedikitnya yang saya tangkap, yang mengingatkan saya pada grup-grup nostalgia di Facebook. Pada postingan grup-grup tersebut, kerap kali saya mendapati pernyataan, "Berkat didikan keras orang tuaku, mentalku jadi kuat." Yah, entah juga sih apakah saya boleh mengaitkannya begitu saja.
Lagi pula, buku ini tidak menyertakan perspektif agama dan budaya yang mengajarkan untuk senantiasa menghormati dan memuliakan orang tua. Bisa dimaklumi apabila anak tetap meninggikan orang tuanya, betapapun buruknya perilaku yang bersangkutan. Dalam buku-buku psikologikarangan Yahudi seperti buku ini,
The Drama of the Gifted Child
,
Why I Hate You and You Hate Me
, rasanya patut menyalahkan orang tua atas berbagai problem kejiwaan yang kita alami. Memang merupakan kenyataan hidup yang usahlah dipungkiri bahwa orang tua pun manusia biasa, yang tak luput dari dosa dan kesalahan. Kita mungkin saja menyalahkan dan menghakimi mereka, namun bila berlama-lama pada tahap ini bisa-bisa tumbuh penyakit dendam dalam hati. Namanya penyakit, hendaknya disembuhkan. Caranya menyembuhkan? Itulah kiranya ilmu yang mesti dicari dan dikuasai sehingga dapat ikhlas mengamalkan ajaran atau ibadah "menghormati dan memuliakan orang tua". Setelah sami'na, ada jeda untuk mempelajari ilmunya terlebih dahulu sebelum sampai kepada wa atho'na.
Buku ini menjelaskan bahwa terapi itu pada dasarnya sebagaimana hubungan interpersonal pada umumnya; belum tentu ada kecocokan antarpihak, entahkah dari awalnya atau seiring dengan berjalannya waktu. Bukan hanya klien yang bisa sewaktu-waktu minggat, melainkan juga terapis bisa saja ingin cepat-cepat mengakhiri hubungan. Atau justru terapis mengulur-ulur proses penyembuhan klien karena berbagai faktor, entahkah ekonomis, psikologis, atau selainnya.
Dari sudut pandang pembaca awam seperti saya, cukup menarik untuk melihat terapis sebagai manusia biasa yang juga punya problem tersendiri. Apalagi kalau kita punya punya masalah mental dan mendengar terapi adalah jawaban, lantas benar-benar mengharapkan terapis sebagai penyelamat. Padahal mencari terapis yang cocok adalah perjalanan baru yang bisa makan emosi, tenaga, dan ongkos. Pun untuk bertahan dengan yang sudah dijalani; bagi terapisnya, ya, memang itu sudah pekerjaannya yang mau tak mau mesti dilakoni secara profesional, sedangkan bagi si klien bisa jadi upaya tersendiri untuk berangkat secara rutin.
Ciri orang yang avoidant of attachment adalah menampakkan pribadi yang kuat, tegar, mandiri, intelektual, dan memang dapat berfungsi dalam kehidupan normal, namun kesulitan menghadapi problem yang berkenaan dengan keintiman, kelekatan, kepercayaan, kerentanan diri, dan semacamnya. Ia juga menyangkal rasa pahit dan sakit dari masa lalu, terutama yang diakibatkan oleh kehilangan, pengabaian, dan atau penyiksaan dari pengasuhnya semasa kecil. Untuk mengatasi trauma masa kecil, mereka cenderung mengubur atau mengecilkan pengalaman tersebut, bahkan mengidealkan pelakunya (yang biasanya orang tua). Penghindaran (avoidance) merupakan mekanisme bertahan untuk mengurangi emosi negatif yang timbul dari berbagai peristiwa traumatis itu. Untuk menghindar pun sesungguhnya makan energi yang lumayan. Lari dari kenyataan itu tak kalah melelahkan; maju kena mundur kena!
Begitulah sedikitnya yang saya tangkap, yang mengingatkan saya pada grup-grup nostalgia di Facebook. Pada postingan grup-grup tersebut, kerap kali saya mendapati pernyataan, "Berkat didikan keras orang tuaku, mentalku jadi kuat." Yah, entah juga sih apakah saya boleh mengaitkannya begitu saja.
Lagi pula, buku ini tidak menyertakan perspektif agama dan budaya yang mengajarkan untuk senantiasa menghormati dan memuliakan orang tua. Bisa dimaklumi apabila anak tetap meninggikan orang tuanya, betapapun buruknya perilaku yang bersangkutan. Dalam buku-buku psikologi
Vulnerability is a necessary condition for the development of intimacy in any relationship. (pg. 98)
Buku ini menjelaskan bahwa terapi itu pada dasarnya sebagaimana hubungan interpersonal pada umumnya; belum tentu ada kecocokan antarpihak, entahkah dari awalnya atau seiring dengan berjalannya waktu. Bukan hanya klien yang bisa sewaktu-waktu minggat, melainkan juga terapis bisa saja ingin cepat-cepat mengakhiri hubungan. Atau justru terapis mengulur-ulur proses penyembuhan klien karena berbagai faktor, entahkah ekonomis, psikologis, atau selainnya.
Dari sudut pandang pembaca awam seperti saya, cukup menarik untuk melihat terapis sebagai manusia biasa yang juga punya problem tersendiri. Apalagi kalau kita punya punya masalah mental dan mendengar terapi adalah jawaban, lantas benar-benar mengharapkan terapis sebagai penyelamat. Padahal mencari terapis yang cocok adalah perjalanan baru yang bisa makan emosi, tenaga, dan ongkos. Pun untuk bertahan dengan yang sudah dijalani; bagi terapisnya, ya, memang itu sudah pekerjaannya yang mau tak mau mesti dilakoni secara profesional, sedangkan bagi si klien bisa jadi upaya tersendiri untuk berangkat secara rutin.
December 2, 2020
Good book, but not without its issues. For example, not all avoidant-attachment types idealize the caregiver that victimized them. Muller doesn't make that claim explicitly but all the example cases he uses do, and he warns of it again and again. Speaking of which, there's also a lot of repetition in the book. There were several times I thought I was re-reading a page but it was just a reiteration.
Still, it's an excellent book and an easy read. One of my favourites in fact, probably because the topic is so close to my heart.
Still, it's an excellent book and an easy read. One of my favourites in fact, probably because the topic is so close to my heart.
February 5, 2020
A must read for attachment-oriented therapists!!
January 18, 2024
This book was written as a companion guide for therapists and counsellors. However, even though I am not a mental health professional (just an armchair psychologist), I found it very interesting and useful. I wish I had read it way earlier, before losing from my life someone I care about.
Below is my take away from this book, synthesised with other readings, my own people studying as well as some personal reflections so far:
As I was reading and reflecting, I found a lot of myself on these pages and through clinical examples, or more accurately how I used to be and partly how I can be now, even though less frequently than earlier. But I also found a lot of others I know with the Dismissive Avoidant attachment style. My heart goes out to everyone who struggles with it and one of the things I wanna do in my life is to be a better friend, relative and colleague to those that are severely avoidant. This requires having a lot of patience (one of my life lessons), listening before judging and extra compassion and empathy, instead of reactivity. It also requires recognizing their often harsh words and behaviour, not as a personal attack, but as an attempt to protect themselves from a perceived threat (that is not always real). Many Avoidants behave they do not to hurt anyone (even though that may be and often is a by product), but to protect themselves. They tend to self-soothe and self-regulate as they have not learned how to do this with other people due to no one seeing and kissing their hearts and tears while at the most fragile age and forming the worldview and relations with others.
This book explains pretty well why Avoidant people often push you away when they start feeling closer to you or attaching to you. Closeness often equals pain for them. They can’t tolerate good and bad feelings that arise in them, as they have often been neglected, unprotected and not properly cared for when they were small, growing up and later on. Many were severely traumatised too, suppressing those memories or minimising their significance. They can’t trust that you are for real, and that you are safe and that you won’t abandon and betray them in the end, so it is easier to find you flaws, pick fights with you, tear you down and chase you away thinking you are the cause of their turmoil. They feel smothered, intruded upon, like you are taking something away from them that they do not have to give. Their perfectionism is a cover up for not feeling adequate enough and for not letting others in. They feel unsafe that you now know something personal about them, then they feel shame about how they feel and about their needs, then they self-criticise thinking it’s silly to want to be cared for and truly seen and heard. They avoid emotions and tend to overintellectualize and escape into logic instead of feeling and examining their own feelings and have difficulty expressing any kind of tender feelings towards others. They worry a lot and are caught up in a vicious cycle of loneliness and isolation. They also think that if they let you in you might reject them and take advantage of them.
I am learning about attachment theory more seriously and systematically lately and am regularly amazed by how deep it goes and how it applies to every single area of our lives. Stress levels among avoidant people are off the charts. I only now start understanding how our physiology, nervous system and severe trauma influence stress and cortisol in day to day living.
I am doing better now than before when I am dealing with Anxiously attached people, trying to be there for them and understand them better, even though their behaviours utterly freak me out and bring up my own avoidance, making me wanna run for the hills. I am learning how NOT to do this and how to stay present. I'd also like to be able to give this kind of safety to Avoidants, too.
It is heartbreaking to know that most people who are Avoidant also think that there is something fundamentally wrong with them and that being ‘seen’ and sharing intimacy and closeness is dangerous.
I would like to be able to give grace, safety, friendship, gentleness, understanding and patience to those in my life who I care about and who are avoidant, so they can feel well and safe. And for them to know they are important and that they are enough.
I have so many challenges myself, so I know very well the pain of being rejected, not understood and not protected, being forced into the world that wasn't build for me in so many ways. I hope this helps me form deeper compassion for everyone around me, especially Avoidants and people with Autism as they are too mute too often and ironically often dismissed about what they are going through and how the world looks like from their point of view.
Below is my take away from this book, synthesised with other readings, my own people studying as well as some personal reflections so far:
As I was reading and reflecting, I found a lot of myself on these pages and through clinical examples, or more accurately how I used to be and partly how I can be now, even though less frequently than earlier. But I also found a lot of others I know with the Dismissive Avoidant attachment style. My heart goes out to everyone who struggles with it and one of the things I wanna do in my life is to be a better friend, relative and colleague to those that are severely avoidant. This requires having a lot of patience (one of my life lessons), listening before judging and extra compassion and empathy, instead of reactivity. It also requires recognizing their often harsh words and behaviour, not as a personal attack, but as an attempt to protect themselves from a perceived threat (that is not always real). Many Avoidants behave they do not to hurt anyone (even though that may be and often is a by product), but to protect themselves. They tend to self-soothe and self-regulate as they have not learned how to do this with other people due to no one seeing and kissing their hearts and tears while at the most fragile age and forming the worldview and relations with others.
This book explains pretty well why Avoidant people often push you away when they start feeling closer to you or attaching to you. Closeness often equals pain for them. They can’t tolerate good and bad feelings that arise in them, as they have often been neglected, unprotected and not properly cared for when they were small, growing up and later on. Many were severely traumatised too, suppressing those memories or minimising their significance. They can’t trust that you are for real, and that you are safe and that you won’t abandon and betray them in the end, so it is easier to find you flaws, pick fights with you, tear you down and chase you away thinking you are the cause of their turmoil. They feel smothered, intruded upon, like you are taking something away from them that they do not have to give. Their perfectionism is a cover up for not feeling adequate enough and for not letting others in. They feel unsafe that you now know something personal about them, then they feel shame about how they feel and about their needs, then they self-criticise thinking it’s silly to want to be cared for and truly seen and heard. They avoid emotions and tend to overintellectualize and escape into logic instead of feeling and examining their own feelings and have difficulty expressing any kind of tender feelings towards others. They worry a lot and are caught up in a vicious cycle of loneliness and isolation. They also think that if they let you in you might reject them and take advantage of them.
I am learning about attachment theory more seriously and systematically lately and am regularly amazed by how deep it goes and how it applies to every single area of our lives. Stress levels among avoidant people are off the charts. I only now start understanding how our physiology, nervous system and severe trauma influence stress and cortisol in day to day living.
I am doing better now than before when I am dealing with Anxiously attached people, trying to be there for them and understand them better, even though their behaviours utterly freak me out and bring up my own avoidance, making me wanna run for the hills. I am learning how NOT to do this and how to stay present. I'd also like to be able to give this kind of safety to Avoidants, too.
It is heartbreaking to know that most people who are Avoidant also think that there is something fundamentally wrong with them and that being ‘seen’ and sharing intimacy and closeness is dangerous.
I would like to be able to give grace, safety, friendship, gentleness, understanding and patience to those in my life who I care about and who are avoidant, so they can feel well and safe. And for them to know they are important and that they are enough.
I have so many challenges myself, so I know very well the pain of being rejected, not understood and not protected, being forced into the world that wasn't build for me in so many ways. I hope this helps me form deeper compassion for everyone around me, especially Avoidants and people with Autism as they are too mute too often and ironically often dismissed about what they are going through and how the world looks like from their point of view.
August 15, 2023
I’m someone with an avoidant attachment style, so not the therapist audience it’s aimed at. Still, this book helped. And helped convince me to go back to therapy, which has been a big win.
The later chapters are especially geared towards the therapist rather than the patient, so I didn’t get as much out of them.
Its the relationship that does healing—the therapeutic relationship, and relationships in the patient’s life. True healing cannot involve only the self, because being truly healed is a matter of relating to others well or not.
How do you engage the client who denies and minimizes the effects of their own cruel past? When an important trust has been violated—and that can be trust in your body, the softness you thought the world was as a child.
“I don't want to pretend, I don't want to take part in the grand social conspiracy that makes widows tell strangers on the bus that "it was his time," or makes parents of buried children say, "Well, were just happy we had her for as long as we did," or that in any other way makes any of us pretend that we're not furious about the double-edged broadsword of life and death.”
How to express feelings I would normally keep buried, to mourn losses, to face vulnerabilities.
Minimizing traumatic events. Minimizing loss. Minimizing attachment. Mindfulness and clear sight should allow you to feel more, not less. If you think it’s less, are you engaging with it fully?
Attachment, caregiving, affiliative system, sexual, and exploratory systems explain why those who avoid attachment may be socially active, sexually passionate, or intellectually deep. Deactivation of attachment does not necessarily mean deactivation of the other behavioral systems.
It is possible for clients to appear very active in the session, presenting their concerns with distress, discussing matters that are clearly con-sequential, matters that feel important to them, while concurrently diverting attention away from attachment-related issues. And, that talking around may be used as a means of avoiding issues that are much more difficult for them to manage.
Attachment avoidance is often in the service of proximity, and always against intimacy.
Thus, cutting off the relationship, at least for the time being, may paradoxically serve to protect the relationship, or it protects the client from having to face attachment-related distress that has been ignited within that relationship. By deactivating attachment in this way, the client shifts attention away, and no longer has to face the painful conflict, thereby minimizing potential damage.q
The client engages in cutoff behavior when the direct acknowledgment or expression of feelings is just too frightening.
Compulsive self reliance leaves a void. Excessive valuing of work at the expense of romantic relationships is the hallmark trait of avoidance.
Unless Deactivation Is Challenged, the Client Will Not Change
Individuals who are avoidant of attachment put considerable psychological effort into deactivating. Deactivation has as its goal to shift the individual's attention away from those feelings, situations, or memories that arouse the attachment system.
Affect phobias—the fear or avoidance of one’s own emotional responses.
Individuals who are avoidant attachment appeared to do better, when paired with clinicians with contrasting attachment styles, and who challenge their usual relational stance.
The striking contrast between the experiences that have had an impact on the client’s real life, and the individuals dominant identity of strength, self-reliance, and invulnerability.
Trauma is about loss, often a loss of some form of “childhood.”
Precipitous, dishonest, fantasy forgiveness in order to avoid painful experiences.
Ending Therapy: A suggested minimum 3, or 6 for treatments lasting several years, month termination period where patient and client and therapist arrive jointly at a decision to end.
The later chapters are especially geared towards the therapist rather than the patient, so I didn’t get as much out of them.
Its the relationship that does healing—the therapeutic relationship, and relationships in the patient’s life. True healing cannot involve only the self, because being truly healed is a matter of relating to others well or not.
How do you engage the client who denies and minimizes the effects of their own cruel past? When an important trust has been violated—and that can be trust in your body, the softness you thought the world was as a child.
“I don't want to pretend, I don't want to take part in the grand social conspiracy that makes widows tell strangers on the bus that "it was his time," or makes parents of buried children say, "Well, were just happy we had her for as long as we did," or that in any other way makes any of us pretend that we're not furious about the double-edged broadsword of life and death.”
How to express feelings I would normally keep buried, to mourn losses, to face vulnerabilities.
Minimizing traumatic events. Minimizing loss. Minimizing attachment. Mindfulness and clear sight should allow you to feel more, not less. If you think it’s less, are you engaging with it fully?
Attachment, caregiving, affiliative system, sexual, and exploratory systems explain why those who avoid attachment may be socially active, sexually passionate, or intellectually deep. Deactivation of attachment does not necessarily mean deactivation of the other behavioral systems.
It is possible for clients to appear very active in the session, presenting their concerns with distress, discussing matters that are clearly con-sequential, matters that feel important to them, while concurrently diverting attention away from attachment-related issues. And, that talking around may be used as a means of avoiding issues that are much more difficult for them to manage.
Attachment avoidance is often in the service of proximity, and always against intimacy.
Thus, cutting off the relationship, at least for the time being, may paradoxically serve to protect the relationship, or it protects the client from having to face attachment-related distress that has been ignited within that relationship. By deactivating attachment in this way, the client shifts attention away, and no longer has to face the painful conflict, thereby minimizing potential damage.q
The client engages in cutoff behavior when the direct acknowledgment or expression of feelings is just too frightening.
Compulsive self reliance leaves a void. Excessive valuing of work at the expense of romantic relationships is the hallmark trait of avoidance.
Unless Deactivation Is Challenged, the Client Will Not Change
Individuals who are avoidant of attachment put considerable psychological effort into deactivating. Deactivation has as its goal to shift the individual's attention away from those feelings, situations, or memories that arouse the attachment system.
Affect phobias—the fear or avoidance of one’s own emotional responses.
Individuals who are avoidant attachment appeared to do better, when paired with clinicians with contrasting attachment styles, and who challenge their usual relational stance.
The striking contrast between the experiences that have had an impact on the client’s real life, and the individuals dominant identity of strength, self-reliance, and invulnerability.
Trauma is about loss, often a loss of some form of “childhood.”
Precipitous, dishonest, fantasy forgiveness in order to avoid painful experiences.
Ending Therapy: A suggested minimum 3, or 6 for treatments lasting several years, month termination period where patient and client and therapist arrive jointly at a decision to end.
January 19, 2021
Phew.
This was recommended by my consultant and is purely a book for therapists. It is heavy in content and so useful with some of the hardest patients we see. I appreciated the detailed process recording at the end that labeled the the concepts the author talked about throughout the book, I also loved the questions to use at different parts of the process. Muller does a great job conceptualizing and breaking down complex scenarios into bite sized pieces. This book came in handy for numerous sessions before I even finished it. (It took me several months to finish and I have three pages of notes. ) I already bought his next one and will be reading that one too.
This was recommended by my consultant and is purely a book for therapists. It is heavy in content and so useful with some of the hardest patients we see. I appreciated the detailed process recording at the end that labeled the the concepts the author talked about throughout the book, I also loved the questions to use at different parts of the process. Muller does a great job conceptualizing and breaking down complex scenarios into bite sized pieces. This book came in handy for numerous sessions before I even finished it. (It took me several months to finish and I have three pages of notes. ) I already bought his next one and will be reading that one too.
September 16, 2024
I found out a little bit too much about myself with this. I got a lot out of it and am very grateful that I am at the point where there is research and books explaining how attachment can be helped etc.
August 12, 2025
Great book, must read for all therapists who will undoubtedly work with clients who are avoidantly attached. Helps reader understand the inner world of clients, and gives practical tools to working with this population.
July 23, 2021
I thought it was repetitive and uses a lot of words to not say much. I really enjoyed what it did say. I just wish it said more.
August 28, 2024
good, not great tho!
July 7, 2024
This is very interesting when dealing with avoidantly attached individuals. However, note it is definitely for clinicians. What I liked was that Muller put a positive spin on what he calls "cut offs" whereas these are usually called "discards" and seen in an entirely negative light. If you're a therapist, consider reading it. I could imagine it's got really valuable points regarding therapy beyond it's subject matter.
July 13, 2013
Although this book is written for therapists (and I am not one), I couldn't put it down. I picked it up out of simple curiosity but in reading it, I gained a lot of insight into my own experiences and those of others around me. If you're interested in how people relate and connect (or don't), this is a book for you.
February 1, 2018
How I wish every beginning therapist was forced to read this book ten times before seeing a single patient without supervision. Could save years of "undoing" later. Avoidance does not look like shyness or hiding in a corner. It's apparently not so obvious to everyone, and this book does a good job of starting the conversation that many more treatment providers should be having regularly.
August 3, 2016
This book is a great resource for understanding the complexity of attachment patterns in traumatised people, whether that's yourself or clients you work with. Robert Muller really knows his stuff, and uses great examples from his clinical practice to illustrate what he talks about in each chapter. It was full of useful insight for me and is an accessible read for non-experts.
July 25, 2025
Note: half way to finish it. Overall quite helpful for those who have avoidant trait to identify and aware of which issues might affecting the person. Some points are repeating. I suggest quickly go through the first half. The second half includes many the case studies, which is more practical and interesting.
September 15, 2015
Just excellent.
September 8, 2012
Easy to read, I really liked this book. I will definitely be going back to it. A great resource for those working with avoidant clients.
December 22, 2013
What an awesome book, a very easy read and it is very practical!
October 13, 2014
If you've ever been curious about the dynamics that play themselves out in therapy, this book is a fascinating read and you should go for it!!
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