How to Really Love Your Adult Child: Building a Healthy Relationship in a Changing World

by Gary Chapman, D. Ross Campbell

Parenting doesn’t end when your child hits 21. It just moves into a new phase. The role of a parent lasts a lifetime. Your kids will always be in your life. The trick is figuring out how to adapt to the new phases in that parent-child relationship. No question, it can be tricky. And if you fail to navigate that transition well, the result will be stress, alienation, and maybe a broken relationship. But it doesn’t have to be that way. In How to Really Love Your Adult Child , Dr. Gary Chapman—author of the worldwide bestseller The 5 Love Languages ®—teams up with clinical psychiatrist Dr. Ross Campbell to provide the insights you need when your child moves into young adulthood. You’ll find help for those moments The book includes brief sidebars from parents of adult children, as well stories from adult children who relate what works best for them. An online study guide is also available. Stop wondering how to connect with your adult child. Instead, learn to love them in the ways they so desperately want. Because while childhood is temporary, parenting is forever.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Christian, Family, Christian Living

192 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 2011

About the author

Gary Demonte Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. Chapman is most noted for his The Five Love Languages series regarding human relationships.

Reviews

[Keiki Hendrix · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do our children ever really grow up? In our culture today, parents face several a ‘new normal’ with their adult children.

If you have adult children who have made bad choices, what advice do they give them. Even if they’ve made good choices, their reality is vastly different than when you were a young adult. How then can we biblically parent our adult children both by our behavior and our instruction?

Take heart. How to Really Love Your Adult Children: Building a Healthy Relationship in a Changing World by Ross Campbell and Gary Chapman offers wise advice and solid biblical instruction to parents dealing with adult children.

Beginning with a profile of an adult child in today’s society and moving through red flag indicators and areas of concern, each chapter offers advice to parents of adult children with challenges like success (or heartbreaking failure), commitment and independence (or the lack thereof), facing lifestyle issues (sex and cohabitation.)

This is a needed book. I am the parent of adult children myself. In this changing society, I needed the advice provided here. Why, because the common thread running through all pages of this book was love. We can always learn to love better.

This book takes on some very hard topics. Homosexuality, Heterosexual Cohabitation, Addiction, among them. When each of these topics are addressed, the response of love is encouraged. Even when discussing tough love, the purpose is to make sure the adult child is confident in the bond or relationship with the parent.

Warnings signs are also discussed. Being aware of the symptoms of Depression, ADD, Passive-Aggressive behavior, and many more make the parent of an adult child much knowledgeable and aware.

So what is the most powerful advice I found in this book? It was the example of the parent. A kind, loving, prayed-up parent living out the advice they are offering goes much farther by way of instruction than any school, any book, or any intervention. This what will move your adult child …

“A by-product of good character is a legacy of stability, when a parent has made good decisions and exhibited clear thinking. Children watch when parents go through tough times and they learn how to handle difficult situations from what they see. An adult child facing tough times will ask ‘What would Mom and Dad do? How would they think this through? What advice would they seek from others? How would they pray about it?”
- Chapter Ten, Leaving Your Child a Positive Legacy

Buy this book for yourself or a friend. It is wise counsel. Be prepared to contemplate some changes in your own life. I recommend it highly.
Disclaimer
The review copy plus one additional copy of this book was provided by Northfield publishers free of charge. One copy was donated to the library of Westwood Baptist Church and one copy was offered as a promotional giveaway.

[Michael · Rating 2 out of 5]

For Christian parents in the situation described by the title of the book, don't bother reading this. It is a very outdated and deficient treatment of this kind of problem. (The only reason I read it is because I was in a church group that decided to read and discuss it.) I don't have any other book to recommend (other than the Bible), but still, this book is not what you're looking for.

[Sara floerke · Rating 1 out of 5]

Nothing new here. This wasn't quite what I thought it would be. I was thinking about relationships with my children who are adults. This was more about how to react to offspring who are adults who are really acting like children. See the difference? If I were in that position this might have been helpful. But I found it rather narrow and pedantic and a waste of time.

I'll shelve it and hand it to someone who is going through just such a situation.

[CaliNativeBalboa · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 I found this book a valuable resource to read in advance of my young adult children's senior year of high school and college. Although both insist they will NEVER move back home, I wanted to be prepared in case circumstances are not as they anticipate. Chapman's book provides some helpful advice for setting boundaries with adult children so they can continue their journey to self sufficiency. I also appreciated the Christian viewpoint until the section on LBGTQ lifestyles where they sort of said "It's tolerable as long as the children practice celibacy". I found that a little unrealistic and narrow minded but I appreciated their efforts and reconciliation with Christian principles.

[Nancy DeValve · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is helpful to parents who have young adult children. I think it would be most helpful to those going through the transition of children leaving. The authors have some very practical tips to help parents whose kids have left and come back again (boomerang kids), those whose kids just won't leave, and those whose kids find themselves in dire straits (such as a divorce or death of a spouse) and need to come home for a limited amount of time. They also have a section on encouraging your children who have moved out and are doing well and how parenting looks different now than it did when they were home. It also has a great section on grand-parenting and on leaving a legacy for your kids and grand-kids. Overall I think it's a helpful book.

[Tami Boesiger · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book made me feel better about how I relate to my adult children. It verified what God has been teaching me over the past few years, that the most important elements in parenting at this stage of life is maintaining communication and letting them make their own decisions. I appreciated the whispers to trust God's plan for them too.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

A few months ago I tried searching for books on "parenting" adult children. There are so many books on being a parent to a baby and young child...fewer for the teen years and almost non-existent for the adult years. I found a list on a Christian website that deals with a lot of family issues and found many of the suggested books used. This happened to be one of them. The authors wrote the book, Love Languages which is widely known. The book covers hot topic issues like homosexuality, co-habitation, divorce of children, change of religion and morals child was brought up with and how to respond. It also goes into relationship building, forgiving others in your life, etc. This would be a great book for any parent or adult to read who is around young adults. The main theme in the book is that your children may choose a different way but it is important to keep up a relationship. You cannot have a positive influence on your adult child (or a niece/nephew/godchild/family friend's child etc) if you do not keep up a relationship. Respect their choices and leave it at that. It is okay to make rules in your own home when they are there. They go over things that can happen, like adult children moving back home or emergencies like divorce and how to help the adult child in a way so they can be self sufficient and help them to heal past those pains. It also touches on healing your own "wounds" with your own parents and fogiving them, even if they are not seeking forgiveness or have deceased.....Overall, this was a great book for parents of adults to read. I do think it would be great for adults who are around a lot of younger people to read as well.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

Most adult parenting books have to be so broad that you really just don’t get much from them. Adult parenting just has so many things that can present and so many situations that it’s hard to find a good book. This is better than most that I have looked at. I really benefited mainly from the last three chapters or so. I did find the writing style a bit generic so wished it had been more engaging. I do think there’s some chapters that would be incredibly helpful if you have not experienced any kind of good family dynamic to pattern after or having real trouble knowing how to deal with becoming an in law or if you have a child that is struggling in adulthood the first half of the book covers more of that.

[Debra · Rating 3 out of 5]

My three stars are not meant to reflect negatively on the quality of the book, but on its applicability for my needs. About half of this book is related to younger adults than my 40-somethings. The second half of the book was more applicable to my stage of life. I particularly enjoyed the final chapter on legacy. Thumbs up, with that one caveat.

[Kerri Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

Validating parenting methods I have used over the years, this ended up being a book that preached to the converted (we still made mistakes but ended up with well-adjusted adult children anyway). However I would recommend it for those making a start in their parenting journey as a handbook that will be valuable in the many stages of a child's life.

[Amy Winkelman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Most of the chapters don't ( and hopefully won't ever) apply to me, but the other chapters helped SO much. I really enjoy anything written by Gary Chapman. I enjoy the perspective he has and how it aligns with mine.

[Sheila Robinson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great advice in here!

This book offered sound advice on how to better relate to young adult children, with examples of actions to take to hep them feel loved and respected. My son has responded so well to our talks!

[Margaret · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written from a Christian perspective, although not an overtly Christian book, Chapman and Campbell walk through this stage of life with grace and practical advice. Lots of great examples throughout. Offers a great framework of how to navigate this next stage of parenting.

[Leslie Jonsson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gary Chapman and the late author Campbell discuss ways to still parent your adult child, through the good times and bad. Using and reading Chapman's book "The Love Languages" is very helpful prior to reading this book, as he references this quite a bit.

[Pat · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book for parents trying to figure out how to parent adults.

[Karla · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great read for parents

Straightforward and relevant material

Recommended

[Angie Ryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is more aimed at dealing with issues than preventing them. I had hoped it would be the latter. Some helpful comments though if you are having some of these struggles.

[Julie Doel · Rating 2 out of 5]

This had a few interesting insights especially about guiding your college-age adult children through finances, but it lost a couple stars for me by the extreme anti LGBTQ stance.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good but now quite dated since my adult children are not Millenials but rather Gen Z.

[Diane Zimmer · Rating 4 out of 5]

A few good reminders!

[Valerie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Did not finish

[Amy Gowans · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not A Fan

I have to be honest, as a Christian I find this book somewhat demeaning. The authors made some good points but their general view on most topics I don’t agree with. Additionally they hold a very exclusive view to the kingdom perspective. I cannot recommend this book to others as I feel it represents a screwed Christian perspective.

[Laura Housley · Rating 2 out of 5]

Reading for bookclub

[Lisa Christensen · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars; some good ideas and appreciated the stories for ideas of how other people have handled various situations. Overall felt outdated. Lots of places that I skimmed or skipped

[Kathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Most books in regard to raising children are aimed at younger children. This book is unique and also very timely for me as it investigates parenting adult children. Every chapter held some gems of wisdom for me. In particular, Chapter 2: When Your Child is Not Succeeding. Conflicts Over Lifestyles Issues, Chapter 6, was another helpful one for me. This book emphasizes love and prayer both of which I utilize to help through these difficult years when our children are adjusting to becoming adults. I really appreciated the legacies we need to leave our children with: a moral legacy, a spiritual legacy, an emotional legacy, and a financial legacy. And of course the reality that all we really want is for a children to have a character to be proud of and to live a life of integrity.

I highly recommend this book for the parents of adult children. You are not alone!!

[Pranada Comtois · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title of the Introduction says it all for those of us with adult children: " Great Joy . . . or Great Pain."

More and more Americans are finding themselves as parents to adult children. Psychologists have named this new life stage (a phenomenon they've been watching the past 10-15 years) "Adultescence." Campbell and Chapman call them "Boomerang" kids.

though their suggestions won't fit everyone's needs and challenges, they've written an important book. Much of it is common sense, but when you're struggling with a life situation insights and input can be invaluable.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insight into the minds of our "adult" children. Quite different mindset than when I was a teen in the 80s. However,the authors give us a look beyond what has been called "the Millenials" or "Generation Me". They reveal how true adulthood has been pushed out to almost age 30 due to the extended education and later marrying age characteristic of this generation. Though I have not yet finished the book, I have already gained knowledge that is helping me navigate the often turbulent seas of parenting an adult child. Can highly recommend from what I've read thus far.

[Gina]

The choice to be a parent is the choice to have your heart walking around outside your body as long as you live. Introduction

Goethe wrote, “What from your father’s heritage is lent, earn it anew to really possess it.” Leaving Your Child a Positive Legacy

[Jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good resource book.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book! Wish I had read earlier. Lots of great info for adjusting to your children growing up