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The Dead Janitors Club: Pathetically True Tales of a Crime Scene Cleanup King
It had been well over a month since I had seen or heard from Dirk, and it was showing in my bank account…I was tempted to start searching for another job. I still had faith, though, that somehow, someway, I was meant for this line of work…
"Hello?" I mumbled, not recognizing the number on the caller ID.
"Jeff, it's Dirk," said the voice. I waited curiously, wondering who the hell Dirk was. "We've got one," he eventually said when I failed to answer.
We had never bothered to get together for any sort of training, and now, it was too late.
After toiling for minimum wage for years, Jeff Klima got an unexpected to head up a brand new crime scene cleanup company in Orange County. The upside? A chance to make incredible money in a field with no competition. The downside? Everything else about the job.
The Dead Janitors Club is an engrossing, hilarious, and morbidly fascinating memoir of life and death, from someone whose life is death. From his first job—where a piece of brain fell off the ceiling and landed in his eye—to having to clean up one of his former neighbors, The Dead Janitors Club is more than just a retelling of crime scenes and what it takes to clean them up. It is a memoir about struggling to survive college, love, life, and keeping one's sanity when one never knows if, the next time the phone rings, you must delve into the darker side of life and death.
"Hello?" I mumbled, not recognizing the number on the caller ID.
"Jeff, it's Dirk," said the voice. I waited curiously, wondering who the hell Dirk was. "We've got one," he eventually said when I failed to answer.
We had never bothered to get together for any sort of training, and now, it was too late.
After toiling for minimum wage for years, Jeff Klima got an unexpected to head up a brand new crime scene cleanup company in Orange County. The upside? A chance to make incredible money in a field with no competition. The downside? Everything else about the job.
The Dead Janitors Club is an engrossing, hilarious, and morbidly fascinating memoir of life and death, from someone whose life is death. From his first job—where a piece of brain fell off the ceiling and landed in his eye—to having to clean up one of his former neighbors, The Dead Janitors Club is more than just a retelling of crime scenes and what it takes to clean them up. It is a memoir about struggling to survive college, love, life, and keeping one's sanity when one never knows if, the next time the phone rings, you must delve into the darker side of life and death.
353 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 1, 2010
22 people are currently reading
406 people want to read
About the author
Jeff Klima
3 books13 followersJeff Klima is the cofounder of Orange County Crime Scene Cleanup.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 47 reviews
July 7, 2010
I know this guy! He IS an absolutely reprehensible human being and his personal hygiene is atrocious. Good work Stephanie for pegging this bastard to the wall.
-Jeff Klima
-Jeff Klima
July 7, 2010
This book was extremely disappointing. Due to my love for procedurals, and fascination with areas of research including the University of Tennessee's 'Body Farm', I thought this book would be right up my alley. And maybe it would have been, if the author weren't so absolutely hatable.
A drunken frat boy with little compassion or sense of responsibility, with an appalling lack of morals and ethics, made it a struggle to continue reading. He baldly documents stealing from crime scenes, taking advantage of his girlfriend (Lord knows why she stayed with him so long!), contemplating cheating on his long-suffering girlfriend, browbeating the destitute and mourning... Ick. Just a horrible human being.
A drunken frat boy with little compassion or sense of responsibility, with an appalling lack of morals and ethics, made it a struggle to continue reading. He baldly documents stealing from crime scenes, taking advantage of his girlfriend (Lord knows why she stayed with him so long!), contemplating cheating on his long-suffering girlfriend, browbeating the destitute and mourning... Ick. Just a horrible human being.
October 19, 2011
Frighteningly boring, considering the subject matter, and the author comes off as a supreme douche. (But that's what he's going for, so at least he's aware of it, which is.....something.) First few pages read like a game of "How Many Cliche-as-Fuck Racial Stereotypes Can I Fit into One Chapter?" as narrated by "that guy" at the party who can't figure out why nobody but himself is laughing. A couple chapters end up being marginally interesting (if only for the gore factor) but as a whole, an annoying and yawn-inducing snoozer that I'm glad I didn't pay any actual money for the "pleasure" of reading.
July 31, 2013
This book was awful. I just wanted to read about crime scene cleanup and instead I get a sorry novel about some loser and his pathetic life. This book was so pointless and a complete waste of a read.
March 22, 2011
Before I begin this review, it is important for you to realize that this book isn’t for everyone. In fact, let me know go so far as to issue an official caution right now.
CAUTION: The book review you are about to read is for a book with profanity, gross things and dark humor. Proceed with caution.
Hopefully, the namby pambys have left the review, and it is only us profanity-loving-morbidly-curious-about-gross-jobs-dark-senses-of-humor-having readers left. So … have I got a book for you!!!
The Dead Janitors Club—which has the subtitle “Pathetically True Tales of A Crime Scene Cleanup King”—is that rare book: a horrific account of a disgusting job that is laugh-out-loud funny and full of bawdy and raunchy humor that would make some people’s toes curl. But I loved it! Without knowing it, I think I’ve been looking for a read like this for a long time—ever since I finished my beloved Gig, which is a collection of “told by the actual people” accounts of various jobs. I find learning about other people’s jobs—especially the weird ones—endlessly fascinating. Klima’s account of his few years with a “fake it till we make it” crime cleaning business scratches that itch I’ve felt ever since reading Gig.
And I’m not really overstating how graphic and gross this book can be. Not only do we learn such things as why an alcoholic’s death poops are different (and harder to clean up) than other people’s death poops, but we are also exposed to the seedy underbelly of porn fetishists, hoarders and life in a fraternity.
Klima took the crime scene cleaning job when he was attending Cal State-Fullerton and living at his frat. Barely getting by with a succession of boring retail jobs (and a stint in a porn shop), Klima is dazzled by the prospect of a six-figure income by getting in on the ground floor of a new crime scene cleaning business located in Orange County, California. Brought in as a “partner” by his boss Dirk (a local sheriff), Klima has nothing but a morbid curiosity and a desire for big bucks when he starts out. But his introduction to the field is less than perfect (a chunk of brain falls in his eye!), and things don’t improve much from there. As Klima regales us with accounts of his various “gets” in the crime scene business (mass suicide, cleaning up a child, celebrity death), we also learn that this isn’t quite the high-paying gig he expected. In fact, he spends most of the book barely getting by and scavenging goods and money from the homes of hoarders that the company is assigned to clean out.
The book—which could have easily been a litany of disgusting factoid after disgusting factoid—is saved by Klima’s considerable skills as a writer and humorist. He has a healthy sense of self-depreciation, honesty about the realities of the business and an easy-going, down-to-earth writing style that makes you feel like you’re hanging out with a primo storyteller who just happens to have a really gross job. Although there are times when you feel a sense of guilt for laughing (after all, this is real people’s bodies that Klima is cleaning up), you can relate to Klima’s pragmatic “OK, I’ve got debt coming out my ears and no money…so how can I score the most cash from cleaning up this dead guy’s brains?” As the book progresses and Klima gets increasingly burnt out and turned off by the job, I found myself (like Klima) ready to close the door on this glimpse into a part of life that many of us (fortunately) will never see.
So, to sum up, here is just a bit of what this book is about:
* dead people and the things they leave behind (including gelatinous masses, maggots, dried skin pieces, ungodly odors)
* learning to be a hustler
* why living in a fraternity when you’re 26 can end up being sad and somewhat pathetic
* why loyalty to your employers doesn’t always pay off
* why suicides should consider offing themselves in a bathroom—and staying put!
* the types of things you might finds in the homes of hoarders
* why Craigslist may not be the best source for temporary employees
* how a lack of training in dealing with biohazardous material can have unfortunate side effects
* what it feels like to clean up a dead body in the bowels of Dodger Stadium
* and so much more!
If you’ve gotten this far and you’re still excited about this book, I urge you to go and get it now. You won’t be disappointed.
CAUTION: The book review you are about to read is for a book with profanity, gross things and dark humor. Proceed with caution.
Hopefully, the namby pambys have left the review, and it is only us profanity-loving-morbidly-curious-about-gross-jobs-dark-senses-of-humor-having readers left. So … have I got a book for you!!!
The Dead Janitors Club—which has the subtitle “Pathetically True Tales of A Crime Scene Cleanup King”—is that rare book: a horrific account of a disgusting job that is laugh-out-loud funny and full of bawdy and raunchy humor that would make some people’s toes curl. But I loved it! Without knowing it, I think I’ve been looking for a read like this for a long time—ever since I finished my beloved Gig, which is a collection of “told by the actual people” accounts of various jobs. I find learning about other people’s jobs—especially the weird ones—endlessly fascinating. Klima’s account of his few years with a “fake it till we make it” crime cleaning business scratches that itch I’ve felt ever since reading Gig.
And I’m not really overstating how graphic and gross this book can be. Not only do we learn such things as why an alcoholic’s death poops are different (and harder to clean up) than other people’s death poops, but we are also exposed to the seedy underbelly of porn fetishists, hoarders and life in a fraternity.
Klima took the crime scene cleaning job when he was attending Cal State-Fullerton and living at his frat. Barely getting by with a succession of boring retail jobs (and a stint in a porn shop), Klima is dazzled by the prospect of a six-figure income by getting in on the ground floor of a new crime scene cleaning business located in Orange County, California. Brought in as a “partner” by his boss Dirk (a local sheriff), Klima has nothing but a morbid curiosity and a desire for big bucks when he starts out. But his introduction to the field is less than perfect (a chunk of brain falls in his eye!), and things don’t improve much from there. As Klima regales us with accounts of his various “gets” in the crime scene business (mass suicide, cleaning up a child, celebrity death), we also learn that this isn’t quite the high-paying gig he expected. In fact, he spends most of the book barely getting by and scavenging goods and money from the homes of hoarders that the company is assigned to clean out.
The book—which could have easily been a litany of disgusting factoid after disgusting factoid—is saved by Klima’s considerable skills as a writer and humorist. He has a healthy sense of self-depreciation, honesty about the realities of the business and an easy-going, down-to-earth writing style that makes you feel like you’re hanging out with a primo storyteller who just happens to have a really gross job. Although there are times when you feel a sense of guilt for laughing (after all, this is real people’s bodies that Klima is cleaning up), you can relate to Klima’s pragmatic “OK, I’ve got debt coming out my ears and no money…so how can I score the most cash from cleaning up this dead guy’s brains?” As the book progresses and Klima gets increasingly burnt out and turned off by the job, I found myself (like Klima) ready to close the door on this glimpse into a part of life that many of us (fortunately) will never see.
So, to sum up, here is just a bit of what this book is about:
* dead people and the things they leave behind (including gelatinous masses, maggots, dried skin pieces, ungodly odors)
* learning to be a hustler
* why living in a fraternity when you’re 26 can end up being sad and somewhat pathetic
* why loyalty to your employers doesn’t always pay off
* why suicides should consider offing themselves in a bathroom—and staying put!
* the types of things you might finds in the homes of hoarders
* why Craigslist may not be the best source for temporary employees
* how a lack of training in dealing with biohazardous material can have unfortunate side effects
* what it feels like to clean up a dead body in the bowels of Dodger Stadium
* and so much more!
If you’ve gotten this far and you’re still excited about this book, I urge you to go and get it now. You won’t be disappointed.
August 27, 2015
Sooooooooo, Jeff Klima, number one crime scene up guy, you really are an asshole. However, you tell a mean take. To think you only spent two years doing this job. Your stories of cleanups and frat life are enough to last 10 times that. I truly did enjoy your take on this career and admit to cringing over some details. But, you're still a dick. Some of the things you said to the recently bereaved and the prices you charged...you're a dick. Can you get another really cool job, screw it up royally and write all about it? :)
December 22, 2010
UGH - that's all I can say about this book. It sounded like it would be an interesting book to read BUT - after reading about 80 pages it seemed to be going nowhere and I was NOT enjoying it - So this is 1 of the few books that I have decided I will NOT finish reading. I do not recommend this at all
March 21, 2014
Mr. Klima lays it all out in this book. He holds nothing back. So if you are easily offended by language or gore than you should just stop now and not consider this book. Mr. Klima does use language but to me it came off as sarcastic and showed his personality. Which I am sarcastic myself. So as I was reading this book, there would be different parts that were really funny that I would have to stop and show to my fellow reading co-worker. I even told her at one point that if I wrote a memoir about myself, I would kind of use the same platform that the author did with this book.
Word to the wise, is that this book should probably not be read while eating. Now I have nothing aganist gore, in fact I like gore (with a side of brain and fava beans.) Just kidding or am I? I am just saying that eating oatmeal while reading about Mr Klima cleaning brain matter off the ceiling and having some fall into his eye can make you lose your appetite quickly. Especially with the description given about the brain matter and how it feels. Yeah, eating oatmeal while reading this book was not the best idea. Although, I have to say ig you ever wondered who was responsible for cleaning up the mess after a crime scene or thinking about getting into this profession then you might want to check this book out. Not going to say you will become an expert overnight. Just saying.
May 28, 2015
"If you're interested in blood, guts, funny stories and the crazy couple of years I had going from being a shat-upon liquor store clerk to becoming a bad-ass crime scene cleanup guy, then hang the fuck on, because I've got one hell of a tale to tell you" (9).
Jeff Klima hits the nail on the head when he describes the torture that is working in retail. However, he took his rebellion on retail to another level! Suffering through droughts and famine with no in-between, Klima begins working at a start-up crime scene cleaning company.
This book is a riot! Jeff's reality is so foreign. He has become to numb to death, homicides and suicides that the reader must be careful to avoid adapting Klima's nonchalant attitude. The story has no hero, and truth be told, Klima is a very unlikeable narrator which is surprising considering this is a memoir. He makes it pretty clear that all of his closest relationships are based on need. Klima consistently uses others to get ahead in life...although his version of "ahead" is head above water. He says about his girlfriend/rent and bills payer, "Maybe it was just that I was a user and saw a good person willing to bail me out of a bad situation, but I like to think it was love" (291).
Klima cracked me up, made me cringe and made me consider my own mortality. Overall I thought this was a pretty good read. Definitely not one for the squeamish.
Jeff Klima hits the nail on the head when he describes the torture that is working in retail. However, he took his rebellion on retail to another level! Suffering through droughts and famine with no in-between, Klima begins working at a start-up crime scene cleaning company.
This book is a riot! Jeff's reality is so foreign. He has become to numb to death, homicides and suicides that the reader must be careful to avoid adapting Klima's nonchalant attitude. The story has no hero, and truth be told, Klima is a very unlikeable narrator which is surprising considering this is a memoir. He makes it pretty clear that all of his closest relationships are based on need. Klima consistently uses others to get ahead in life...although his version of "ahead" is head above water. He says about his girlfriend/rent and bills payer, "Maybe it was just that I was a user and saw a good person willing to bail me out of a bad situation, but I like to think it was love" (291).
Klima cracked me up, made me cringe and made me consider my own mortality. Overall I thought this was a pretty good read. Definitely not one for the squeamish.
October 26, 2018
A book written by a racist pseudo-tough guy who fancies himself an alpha-male. Despite the catchy title and interesting description, this book is boring.
Despite the author's claims, he comes off as an extremely unprofessional and childish person with barely any redeeming qualities.
The first chapter alone is all you need to know about the book. The author makes claims about 'ethic' characters who he meets, calls one of them 'Osama' and acts like a complete tool. Really, shouting about how you're cleaning up a suicide in the middle of a lobby to establish how you are 'the alpha'? I was surprised to find the author wasn't a teenager because no adult should act like that.
This was very boring and slow to read. It's less about crime scene cleanup and more about the author's life, which might be fine, if the author's life wasn't so bland and pathetic.
Despite the author's claims, he comes off as an extremely unprofessional and childish person with barely any redeeming qualities.
The first chapter alone is all you need to know about the book. The author makes claims about 'ethic' characters who he meets, calls one of them 'Osama' and acts like a complete tool. Really, shouting about how you're cleaning up a suicide in the middle of a lobby to establish how you are 'the alpha'? I was surprised to find the author wasn't a teenager because no adult should act like that.
This was very boring and slow to read. It's less about crime scene cleanup and more about the author's life, which might be fine, if the author's life wasn't so bland and pathetic.
February 26, 2011
I ordinarily have a fondness for books dealing with the aftermath of death, but I have to say I was disappointed by this book. It reads less like a memoir and more like a string of anecdotes intended to gross out or otherwise shock the reader. The author makes some half-assed attempt to tie everything together at the end and show us how he has mended his callous, amoral ways, but it feels as if these parts of the book have been tacked on (perhaps at the request of an editor?). If you are interested in reading an account of the crime scene cleanup business, I would recommend Mop Men by Alan Emmins, which (despite being written by a journalist who was not technically employed by the cleaning business in question) is a much more engaging and cohesive read.
March 16, 2020
Do yourselves a favour and DONT bother buying this book. I’m usually a voracious reader but I’ve been trying to finish this for months as it is poorly written and the author is painfully insipid, self-absorbed, sexist, homophobic, racist and transphobic. It reads more as a sad, lonely child’s exaggerated wet dream than being an insider’s look at crime scene clean up. I try to always finish books I start on principle, but I think this is the one that will finally defeat me.
0/5 would not recommend.
0/5 would not recommend.
August 28, 2016
I didn't expect to like it as much as I did. Not everyone's cup of tea, but I think the author's portrayal of himself helped make the subject matter easier to read about. He's so "every guy" that for a split second I considered jumping into the field before coming to my senses. I'll leave the goo clean up to the professionals. Just remember to bring a wry sense of humor if you're gonna pick this one up.
June 13, 2011
Reading this book has made me completely paranoid about dying at home during a hot summer. Other than that, it was a delightfully fun read with a good balance between personal info and the nitty gritty of the crime scene cleanup gig. Could've used slightly less info about the perv with the bag of polaroids, but other than that, all good.
August 24, 2017
Been on a bit of a switch from my usual fiction to books on what happens when we die if natural and unnatural causes. The Dead Janitors club takes you on a journey on what happens after the police and forensic team finish up with a crime scene. Or deaths where the bodies have sat for months. it centers around Jeff and his desperate escape from the status quo.
January 8, 2011
Would really rate this 3.5. When I started reading this book I thought "Man, this guy is a tool." but I persevered, and there were some interesting parts, some sad, and some hilarious, so there were some redeeming features hiding in there!
April 14, 2014
The book itself wasn't bad but the author is such a jerk and so racist, classist, homophobic, sexist, and I likable I wouldn't recommend it. I kept hoping he would redeem himself and it kept not happening. Congratulations on stealing from poor families, dude. Totally hilarious.
July 19, 2010
Was pretty inconsistent, he would alternate between his personal "frat lifestyle" and the job itself. I'd give this 2.5 stars.
November 21, 2010
He's funny but unethical for most of this book to make a point.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 7, 2011
LOVE. IT. not for everyone, though--it's one of those books that makes you unexpectedly laugh so hard you choke and then pray to god that no one asks what's so funny.
February 9, 2012
Entertaining, but not fantastic. I really liked his writing style. He definately could have done more character development.
May 12, 2012
This tongue-in-cheek account of the author's stint as a crime scene cleanup crew member is a book that comes back to haunt you every now and then. Well worth the read.
September 5, 2013
If you can get past the blood, guts, classism, homophobia, and frat boy antics, there are some entertaining stories here.
May 2, 2015
Simply fucking brilliant!
May 29, 2017
Good start, couldn't finish it. The main character seems to have no redeeming qualities.
July 25, 2018
He uses women as a tool to move the story along by tossing them to the side and ridiculing their behavior and slut-shaming. Do not give this pig any of your time or attention.
January 17, 2023
This book was beyond disappointing. I was excited by the prospect of reading about a necessary part of society rarely ever seen by the public. I mean, what could be more interesting than a Crime Scene Cleaner?? What I ended up getting was an uncomfortably racist, homophobic account told from the eyes of a pathetic worm. No, maybe a maggot might be more of an interesting perspective than his in this regard.
At the end of Chapter 1 the author admits, "Of course, I wasn't always this way--this racist, uncompassionate whelp who sees dead bodies as dollar signs and trauma as a means to a fancy dinner out with my girlfriend. No, I wasn't always like this. I used to be unhappy." I contemplated stopping there, but against my better judgement held out hope that it might get better. Maybe there was some reasonable excuse for his descent into douchebaggery, I thought! Alas, I'll never give the author any more of my time or attention to find out. No, for me, the last straw was 15% of the way through the book where he casually and unnecessarily used the simile "For him, finding me with just a learner's permit was like Christmas in July or a Kentucky redneck cornering a f****t." That was enough.
Did not finish. Do not recommend. I think I'll be throwing this book out rather than donating it.
At the end of Chapter 1 the author admits, "Of course, I wasn't always this way--this racist, uncompassionate whelp who sees dead bodies as dollar signs and trauma as a means to a fancy dinner out with my girlfriend. No, I wasn't always like this. I used to be unhappy." I contemplated stopping there, but against my better judgement held out hope that it might get better. Maybe there was some reasonable excuse for his descent into douchebaggery, I thought! Alas, I'll never give the author any more of my time or attention to find out. No, for me, the last straw was 15% of the way through the book where he casually and unnecessarily used the simile "For him, finding me with just a learner's permit was like Christmas in July or a Kentucky redneck cornering a f****t." That was enough.
Did not finish. Do not recommend. I think I'll be throwing this book out rather than donating it.
March 1, 2020
Anecdotes about a particularly gruesome job (with a lot less technical info than I was expecting) accompanied by a bleak snapshot of the economic prospects for young college graduates in the new millennium, and a surprising amount of stuff about fraternities. As an aside, I get the feeling the author hasn't quite processed how badly he was getting screwed over by his boss/"partner."
Light entertaining reading, would recommend for people who enjoy "true crime" type stuff, just don't expect much in the way of special chemicals and whatnot. If I got one thing from the book it's that this job could be done by anyone with a strong stomach and $30 worth of household chemicals.
Light entertaining reading, would recommend for people who enjoy "true crime" type stuff, just don't expect much in the way of special chemicals and whatnot. If I got one thing from the book it's that this job could be done by anyone with a strong stomach and $30 worth of household chemicals.
November 14, 2018
An entertaining read but definitely not for the squeamish. Very detailed observations from crime scenes and the ensuing cleanup process that will give you a mental picture of the disgusting atrocities happening.
Not something really written about so it was good to get the inside scoop on this little known business.
Not something really written about so it was good to get the inside scoop on this little known business.
February 20, 2020
It's okay but considering the subject matter it is actually quite a boring book. The narrator does not come across very well and considering this experience he should have had more insight or tales to tell but it merely comes across as some guys trying to hustle a living that involves cleaning.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 47 reviews