I'm Going to College---Not You!: Surviving the College Search with Your Child

by Jennifer Delahunty (Editor)

Jamie Lee Curtis “A must-read. ”

“Parents will enjoy the humor, drama, and poignancy of this collection.”

The ultimate college search guide

Acceptance by a top college is more than a gold star on a high school graduate's forehead today. It has morphed into the ultimate "good parenting" stamp of approval--the better the bumper sticker, the better the parent, right? Parents of juniors and seniors in high school fret over SAT scores and essays, obsessed with getting their kids into the right college, while their children push for independence.

I'm Going to College---Not You! is a resource for parents, written by parents who've been in their shoes. Kenyon College dean Jennifer Delahunty shares her unique perspective (and her daughter's) on one of the toughest periods of parenting, and has assembled a top-notch group of writers that includes best-selling authors, college professors and admissions directors, and journalists. Their experiences with the difficult balancing act between control freak and resource answer questions

--how can a parent be less of a "helicopter" (hovering) and more of a "booster rocket" (uplifting)?
--what do you do when your child wants to put off college to become a rock star?
and
--how will you keep from wanting to kill each other?

Contributors
Jane Hamilton
David Latt
Neal Pollack
Joe Queenan
Anne Roark
Debra Shaver
Anna Quindlen
Ellen Waterston

Genres: College, Nonfiction, Education, Parenting

288 pages, Paperback

First published August 31, 2010

Reviews

[Suzanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

My local library had this one out on the entrance shelves as a book to try, and with a kid in Junior year of high school, the title definitely had appeal. Turned out to be a bunch of essays by parents sharing what they did—good and bad—while their kids were applying to college.

My favorite essay was “Impersonating Wallpaper: The Dean’s Daughter Speaks” (which was by the editor of the book). Reading what the Mom heard her daughter say and what it meant versus what the daughter truly thought revealed the huge gap in communication (although, dammit, the daughter would say six words to her mother, but would then explain it with two paragraphs in the essay so it actually reinforces how teenagers are experts in being as parsimonious as possible in sharing anything with their parents!). And, having recently completed several college tours, I can confirm that the essay by The Neurotic Parent is spot on in saying that one of the top things all college tour guides have in common is “can list six of the acapella groups on campus, but have to think for a minute before remembering the name of the seventh.”

As other reviewers have noted, the writers all seemed of a similar background: white, middle-to-upper class, focused on private, liberal colleges, which led to some repetitiveness after a while. But the book clearly has an overall message: the kids will be alright and they somehow seem to land at the college that’s right for them, even if it’s not necessarily the college they thought that would be.

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you are a city dwelling, white, upper-middle class/wealthy parent whose child is an excellent student and has incredible talents and impressive extracurriculars then this is the book for you! There was so much potential for this book to be great but the editor, for the vast part of the book, chose parents/kids who were very similar. My two favorite essays were the ones about kids who don't live in Lake Wogebon (Garrison Keller's novel where all the children are above average).

The essay by the mom of the kid with Asperger's and the essay by the mom who was struggling in her own life while her daughter became addicted to drugs in high school were far more interesting and relevant than the rest of the book. I did enjoy the essay written by both the mother and daughter - each giving her own opinion of what was going on at the time of the college search. But the rest of the essays - blech.

I particularly hated the one by "the neurotic parent" who thought she was far funnier than she really is. Her son sounded like an entitled douchebag. Oh, and the one by the dad Braggity McBraggy who went on & on about the 8 AP classes his son was in (all 5's on the tests!) and his awards and achievements blah blah blah. The one part of that essay that intrigued me was when the dad was writing about what theme he wanted his son to write about in the college essay vs what the son chose to write about. The dad was all for his son writing about the one time - one time! - his son failed a test and how that was such an incredible learning moment (of course the dad prefaced this by mentioning he was divorcing his wife at the time so his son had to switch schools where on the first day of a math class he took a test and failed it. The horror!) Then the dad casually mentions instead his son wrote about the time when he was sixteen and starved himself until he weighed less than one hundred pounds. What!? Excuse me?! That seems pretty relevant to the story and not just some quick aside to toss out. His son is so stressed out and high strung and perfectionistic that he became anorexic?! Huh. Makes me second guess everything that dad writes about. Writing about how the stress to do it all can cause eating disorders would have been far more helpful than a litany of this kid's achievements.

The book didn't really help me feel better about the college process. Instead it made me realize what my daughter is up against. A bunch of super-kids with striving helicopter parents. Great.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a fun book of essays by parents (who are mostly academics and admissions officers) about their experiences as their children applied to college. They're mostly funny. In fact, there were only two essays that I didn't enjoy: one I read completely (and wished I hadn't bothered) and the other I quit after the introductory paragraph. The rest were delightful and regularly made me laugh out loud. In fact, I'm making Elizabeth read it next because I think she'll enjoy it too.

I'd highly recommend this as a calming-down book for those whose children are starting the college admissions process.

[Margaret · Rating 3 out of 5]

Probably more a 3.5 or 4 for the first few essays and a 3 or 2 for the last few. Some excellent insights and really good writing at the start, some tedious essays (including one that reproduced an entire college application essay from one writer's daughter) that come across as filler.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked it, but not enough to actually finish it. I enjoyed the format of reading essays by people who could really write, but I didn't particularly relate to the all-consuming search for a college. Maybe it is because my own daughters have known where they want to go since we took them to our alma mater as toddlers and fed them ice cream and let them roll down the grassy hills. (You've gotta start young if you're going to thoroughly brainwash them.) Uber-fun camps as teenagers sealed the deal, and now they don't even really look at all the mail that is starting to come in from competeing colleges an universities. Hooray for kids who want to take advantage of the best value there is in higher education!

I did appreciate the essays that pointed out that this is the time to start letting your kids make their own decisions, have their own failures, and claim their own triumphs. But I think that whole process should be started much younger. You've been much too involved if you haven't started doing that until the latter half of high school.

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

I quite enjoyed this book. I loved the layout of short stories where there is nothing to follow past a few pages. I think it holds especially dear these days when parents care even more sometimes about where the kids go to college. Once again, this book had nothing to do with money and I assume pretty much all the stories were about white people, though I really do have no idea. Only white people care that much about college and settle for writing as a career. My favorite stories, of course, where the atypical ones. The parents who DIDN'T go to college yet pushed their kids at least into state schools. I loved it. The idea behind the book is good and an entertaining read. Just don't take it too seriously.

[Natalie Damschroder · Rating 3 out of 5]

It wasn't clear to me (via the review that brought this book to my attention) that it's more of an emotional survival guide than a practical one. Still, the essay format with multiple authors and perspectives intrigued me, so I read the whole thing.

The essays are overall well written and thought-provoking, with a few gems and deviations from the theme. But the (unintended?) theme of brilliant overachievers in families who take all their vacations in Europe and other exotic places did become a bit wearying. That doesn't mean I didn't come away with anything valuable, however, and I do recommend the book to parents of college-bound teens.

[Deb · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you're an anxious, neurotic, upper middle class parent whose self-worth depends on where your kid goes to college, then maybe you'll find this book helpful.

There's very little diversity of voices and experience and after the first few essays, it became tiresome reading.

I can sum it up for you if you don't want to spend the time/money: it'll all be OK. Your kid will wind up at the school where she'll have the best experience. Sit on your hands, keep your mouth shut, help only when requested and don't stress so much.

[Erika · Rating 3 out of 5]

Seems anything written pre-yesterday is already old news when it comes to college admissions. But this series of essays touches on parents' feelings about kids fledging the nest that echoes through time immemorial. Nothing here for the data geek, but for those trying to capture their feelings on this emotionally heady experience, at least one of these authors will likely have captured the essence of any parental participant.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Allyson has been talking about colleges for a while now, so I figured it's time I start reading up on them. There's not much I like better than planning something. This collection of essays was a fun, quick read. Some of them I didn't like at all, some made me laugh, some made me teary. My favorite essay, excerpts taken from "The Neurotic Parent" blog.

[Kristin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of the better books that I have read about preparing parents for their child's college application process. It contains a compilation of essays from a variety of parents, mostly well-educated adults whose children were well prepared and had relatively good success with the process.

[Sue Duronio · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very entertaining. More in the form of essays of parents' experiences with their kid's college search/application process. Funny and insightful but not so much a How to Cope Guide.

[Ann · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just trying to get a glimpse into other people's minds... mission accomplished