Raising a Son: Parents and the Making of a Healthy Man

by Don Elium, Jeanne Elium

Boys pose special challenges for today’s stressed parents. In  Raising A Son , the Eliums embrace the challenges--and the joys--of raising boys with compassion, commitment, experience, patience, and humor. This fully updated and expanded edition follows the psychological development of boys from infancy to young adulthood. Look for new sections  
 
• media and violence 
• the “boy code” 
• age-appropriate morality 
• the out-of-control son 
• triggers for aggression 
• when and how to get help
• coping with guilt 
• the highly sensitive son
• triggers for withdrawal 
• why he gets overwhelmed 
• hypersensitivity and ADD 
• the right role models

Genres: Parenting, Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction

348 pages, Paperback

First published March 1, 1992

Reviews

[Katie]

I'm about halfway through so far and I have to say that there's an awful lot of speculation and assumption without a whole lot of substantial evidence to back up the claims of this couple. As a book that talks about raising boys into men in a post-feminist era, the wife doesn't have too much to say. "Don"'s comments, however, are strewn throughout the book as experiential evidence of their theories and ideas.

I really enjoyed the first section on the physical development of men. The second section about the psychological development of men seems a bit sketchy and perhaps a little too overblown.

We shall see...

[Ashlyn Hunt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Raising a Son is quite literally the ultimate handbook to understanding a boy's development, psychology, and biology in the modern world. I'm so grateful to have ascertained a copy while my son is still a toddler. The knowledge I've acquired through this read is priceless.

Don and Jeanne Elium have undoubtedly brought me closer to my son. As a mother, obviously of the opposite sex, there were times when I felt helpless and unprepared for what to expect or offer with a son, and how to address gender related issues. After reading this tremendous self-help book, I now feel empowered, less fearful, backed by the knowledge that I've acquired in Raising a Son. Thank you Don and Jeanne! ~AH

[Colleen Broce · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raising a Son addresses specifically the needs of males in our society and their physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing in each developmental phases.

[Celia · Rating 1 out of 5]

this seems like just another book making parents crazy. I got to the part where being a working mother scars your children for life and stopped.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book to help understand what our sons are experiencing and what they need from each at each stage of their lives in order to fully develop. As a single mom I found quite a bit of the information provided useful. I can see my son's needs changing as he's growing and this book does an incredible job of describing physical changes, emotional needs and how parents can react and respond in order to maintain a healthy relationship yet also maintain boundaries, trust and truthfulness. A very readable parenting book.

[Kasey Dietrich · Rating 3 out of 5]

The beginning is the best part of the book, but the info is pretty basic nothing ground breaking. Then it just repeats concepts over and over and over and over. It also talks about a lot concepts that could be construed as Judeo-Christian and seemingly the author is in denial by asserting stuff like no no it’s not teaching your child morals, it’s getting them in touch with their “soul-power”. That bit threw me off and I thought it was a bit silly to call it that.

[Josie]

What we call the beginning is often the end, and to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from - T.S.Eliot, Four Quartets

[Damon Faber · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good, dropped one star because the section on sex I don’t think I align with completely. The rest of the book was intuitive and I would recommend to anyone having a son (or kids really).

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book slowly, over the course of several months, and although I appreciated what the authors had to say, I think I would have been better off had I read it faster. Much of what the book covers is really Parenting 101, just targeted to boys, so it wasn't all that revelatory to me personally. However, I think there are thousands--maybe millions--of parents out there who would GREATLY benefit from reading and internalizing this book, given the wretched parenting I see all too often where I work (in a public library).

What I especially like about this book is how the chapters are organized, so you can choose to read the whole thing in order, as I did, or skip to the sections most relevant your own son's stage of development or circumstances. And they included further references and resources at the end of each age-specific section. I'm reading an older edition, so some of the references are a little outdated and might be hard to find, but they probably fixed that for the newer edition.

I also especially liked the examples and stories included throughout. They helped ground and explain the theories in a very concrete, practical manner. The authors have extensive experience, especially Don, who is a marriage, family, and child counselor, and they really seem to know their stuff!

[Phoebe · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good book. It gives a historical perspective to the male archetype and a general framework for parenting but with key things to keep in mind for sons specifically. Later chapters focus on attributes for different age ranges. I found it all very insightful and practical.

I read the chapters in order but the authors do a good job of redirecting readers back to the framework described early on, good for those who skip ahead to the age-range chapters first. There was a little preachiness in the early chapters and you hope that the state of boys/men isn't quite as dire as described, but you also have to expect there'd be a strong call to action. It was a very open-minded book overall.

I borrowed this book twice since the first loan period lapsed while I was reading other books. The second time I borrowed it, I accidentally selected the Kindle format but it turned out to be a good thing because it forced me to figure out how to send books to the Kindle for Android app. (Good to have a second option, albeit not a completely mobile one.) I think I will eventually buy this book so we can refer to the framework and insights regularly. It has explained a lot about my boys already.

Format: Kindle AZW, San Francisco Library

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this. I admittedly skimmed some of the portions on older childhood as my son is still a toddler. I really enjoyed how tied together the book was on talking about the needs of a child but also addressing that we didn't always have our needs met, so crossing that bridge while crucial, might be a little trying too. I am definitely going to be asking my husband to read this. I am glad I found this book as I was very disappointed in On Raising Boys.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really insightful read. Although it borders on speculative, it offers a lot of genuine deliberation on what it means to raise a man. I have appreciated the candor and focus on the male as a whole general force as opposed to many other parenting books that focus on your child's 'uniqueness'. It is nice to hear how men connect and how that relates.

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

Making my husband read it as I thought he would get much more out of it. Focus is on the important role of fathers or male role models to shape our boys in good men. After 8 they don't seem to need Mom as much and I see that to some degree in my older son (9). I miss my baby boy who needed me so so much for security and warmth.

[Jennyprice · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn't finish this because the authors' style didn't work for me. I think there is some good info in here, I just didn't have the patience to wade through it and deal with the commentary on the downsides of "modern life."

[Amy Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good how to book broken down into age groupings on what to expect and common issues. A good deal of focus paid to tv watching and the evils surrounding it. The sexuality part was worthwhile. I think I will need about 20 more how to books before I know how to have The Big talk :-).

[Julie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Very hard to read so I gave up...too many other good books out there to waste time on it.

[Dalon]

still reading this ... started a while ago ... raising kids is a lifelong process anyway, right?!

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gave me a wonderful peek into the mind of my son. Being from an all-girl family myself, it is like a manual for me in raising my son.

[Dave · Rating 4 out of 5]

An insightful book that really allows the reader to reflect on how we make our choices in raising kids. Some good concrete stuff that helps out.

[Jennifer · Rating 2 out of 5]

OK. The authors had a few good ideas. I hope there are much better books out there on raising boys!

[Heather]

This is a great read. I read up through age 10 and plan to read it again as my son grows. I learned more about how a boy operates and I think it will help me relate to my son better as he grows.

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Just ok. Hard to read. A lot of opinions from the authors. Explains why boys behave as they do.

[Matt Ely · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very helpful tool in understanding the psyche and behavior of my boys.

[Harmonkurt · Rating 1 out of 5]

1950 called it wants its book back. Horribly stereotypes men. As an involved dad this book was insulting.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great guide to all ages and stages of boyhood. I will be referring back to it over the ages. A bit exhausting with the references to tribal times, so slow to start, but useful overall.

[ND · Rating 3 out of 5]

Available PPLS

[April · Rating 1 out of 5]

Appalling. Apparently, it is impossible to become a man without macho father figures. Bunk.