Grieving: How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies

by Therese A. Rando

A practicing psychologist defines grief as the normal, expected, and healthy response to loss and provides a realistic appreciation for the pain, frustration, and difficult work required to overcome grief

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction, Self Help, Death, Counselling, Psychology, Mental Health

352 pages, Hardcover

First published July 1, 1989

About the author

Dr. Rando is an award-winning clinical psychologist, traumatologist, and thanatologist in Rhode Island, USA. She is the Clinical Director of The Institute for the Study and Treatment of Loss, which provides mental health services through psychotherapy, training/education, supervision, and consultation, and specializes in: loss and grief; traumatic stress; and the psychosocial care of persons with physical injury, serious acute medical conditions, or with chronic, life-threatening, or terminal illness, and their loved ones. Dr. Rando has consulted, conducted research, provided therapy, written, and lectured internationally in areas related to loss, grief, illness, injury, dying, death, bereavement, disaster, and trauma. She also has provided expert witness testimony in legal proceedings involving illness, injury, or death.

Reviews

[Ghazalehsadr · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have read a lot of books on grief and grieving, and this was one of the most comprehensive ones. However, it is more appropriate for someone who is studying this subject or someone who works in the field of mental health. I think for most people this would be too textbook-like. But if you are OK with that, it is a good and thorough book that covers a lot of ground and both gives you information and suggests practical things to do.

[gardeningmom7 · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Realize that the anticipation of pain at the holidays is always worse than the actual day.”

[Shelley Diamond · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is an excellent resource for bereavement. It covers both the basic psychological issues that have an impact in all types of grief and also covers specific situations which add an additional impact including: sudden vs. anticipated deaths, loss of a spouse, loss of a child, loss of a sibling, loss of a parent, and the impact of the cause of death, including differences when it's a suicide, a homicide, an accident, etc.

I recommend this book to all in preparation for the inevitable....

[Elizabeth Dietz · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5/5 • Definitely found this book to be helpful in understanding my grief and how I’m processing everything with the unexpected death of my Dad 6 weeks ago. Not a substitute for professional health but gave me a lot to think about as I process things and also some insight into how some of my other family members might be processing things.

[EM · Rating 4 out of 5]

My younger brother passed away suddenly in February this year at age 44. It was a shock and not only affected me and my mother, but my daughters as well, who adored their uncle (and who were adored by him). A therapist we were consulting for their grief recommended this book as I wanted to learn more about how exactly grief affects us.

The author certainly is knowledgeable about the topic, unfortunately having lost her parents before reaching adulthood. I was very relieved to know that what I was experiencing was valid. I also wanted to get a perspective on how my mother is feeling having lost a child and how children perceive death.

I was satisfied with the information (can’t say I “enjoyed” the book). I did find, however, that there was a lack of concrete examples. She writes about having to change our relationship with the deceased, but doesn’t say how you do that.

Furthermore, given that it was published in the 1990s, the writing was a bit dated (e.g. referring to widows having to learn about car maintenance and possibly having to look for employment after their husband’s death). Women are not so helpless today.

Also, as an editor and translator, I was often annoyed by the syntax used by the author. She always put her adverbs in strange spots, making for sentences that don’t sound natural. There were also excerpts from her own scientific journal articles that seemed more targeted to sociologists than to the general public. They weren’t written to speak to a general audience.

Despite this, I would recommend this book if you are looking to learn more about how grief affects us.

[Devon · Rating 1 out of 5]

read like a text-book, not many stories or anecdotes

[✨ Anna ✨ | ReadAllNight · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think I learned more about grief reading this as opposed to help grieving.

[Alejandra · Rating 1 out of 5]

There were some good point made but it read more of a textbook than an actual self-help book

[Kelsey Taricani · Rating 2 out of 5]

Somehow this was sexist? Also not what I was expecting- more educational than self help type book

[Joshua Elbaz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by my mentor, close friend after I has suffered two huge losses within a matter of 3 months. As the middle child of three boys, from a divorced home, I have had my share of loss. At age 20, I lost my older brother (23yo) in 2011 to a drug overdose. This past February, I lost my younger brother (26yo) to the same cause. July of 2020 I lost my father to COVID-19. I have suffered and had a hard time understanding my grief and how complicated and complex it was and still is. As I read this book, I started to understand that there is no timeline on grief, and there is no right way to do it. Everybody reacts differently to death, but this book did open my eyes to understanding how to keep moving forward without constantly looking back and feeling guilt.

Mourning the death of a loved one is a process all of us will go through at one time or another. But wherever the death is sudden or anticipated, few of us are prepared for it or for the grief it brings. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; each person's response to loss will be different. Now, in this compassionate, comprehensive guide, the author leads you gently through the painful but necessary process of grieving and helps you find the best way for yourself.

There is no way around the pain of loss, but there is a way through it. This book offers the solace, comfort, and guidance to help you accept your loss and move into your new life without forgetting your treasured beautiful past.

[Carey · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are looking for a book on grief - what it is, what it looks like, and what to expect when you’ve lost a loved one - this was a good book. I haven’t read a lot of books on grief, so I can’t compare it to other ones. But what I liked about this one is all of the information about how different people grieve and about how different types of death effect grief - such as a long illness versus a murder. It just did a great job of walking through and explaining everything a person might want to know about grief. Feels like the author covered everything in a very relatable, understanding and accepting way and gives some concrete ideas on how to work through it.

[Charlotte Falkner · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you read only one book about grief, this is the one. Incredible, incredible, incredible. I am almost two years "on" from my loss and I've spent most of that time looking for and reading books about grief. There are only a few that are truly helpful. This book is one of those ones where.... you're underlining the parts that apply or move you and you look down and the whole page is underlined. I do recognize that some grief books are better read at certain points in your grief, but I wish I'd read this both two years ago AND have reread it today. The price, though, is that I ended up crying my way through most of the book. If I had to bet, I'd bet the author did, too.

[Nick · Rating 4 out of 5]

Provides a useful context on what is actually normal in grief and what can be involved in working through it. Also it provides some good context on practical issues that can come up and how you might want to address them. This book hasn't been updated since 1988 which is almost entirely fine but there are 1 or 2 things I noticed towards the end or the book that have changed at least somewhat because of the internet. Also the book warns against skipping around but I disagree and think that might actually be the best way to read this. Most (though not all) of what is important is repeated fairly often so you are unlikely to be lost.

[Kimberly Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 Stars.

I read this book for a grief class I am taking. This is by far one of the best books on grief and the aspects of grief I have ever read.

This does read like a textbook so, be aware of that if you pick this book up. There are stories but nothing about personal experiences with grief. All stories are related to the topic at hand (complicated grief, etc).

I liked how this book was put out. It is an easy read and imformative.

[Rebecca Richardson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be a help to me when my oldest daughter unexpectedly passed away at age 21. Reading it helped me realize that is no right or wrong way to grieve, and that what I was feeling was normal.

As other reviewers have noted, it is more of a factual book than a self-help one... That was good for me as I relate better to facts.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started reading this book 3-25-20 -my husband of 20 years died 3-6-20. Cried mostly through the book, and it helped me to know I wasn't going crazy. Grief is so painful - it was therapeutic to try to understand it.

[Erica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked the way that grief was explained in this book. It was one of the better ones in that regard. However, it’s super dated. The last part with resources is literally like physical addresses instead of websites, etc. This could use an update and then it would be really good.

[Robyn Obermeyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book touched my heart, it helped walk me thru a lot bereavement and grief thoughts and feelings.

[Jo Carol · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty good.

[Carolyn Stittleburg · Rating 5 out of 5]

helpful in understanding and dealing with grief

[Cindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mar/ 2009 Just started this book and do think it holds potential. It isn't specific on a kind of death but I think the authors loss of both parents in a short time period does contribute to the reason for it.

Update: I put the book down and started to read another and recently started it, again.
I have reset the date and am starting the book over, again. May skip a little that I remember...

This book is full of a lot of information and it tells it like it is. Suggestions are included on what to do and where to go and even books to read that are helpful in the healing process. We can not always go where others want us to go and that is what this book is about. Dealing with your grief in the best way YOU can and on YOUR terms and that is what matters.

[Anne Belanger · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found the book very helpful in explaining the emotions I was going through. For some, it may bring validation to their feelings. The book is a bit dated (re: published in the 80's I think), as such there are a few points that did not age well, e.g.: references to gay men as "homosexual".

The emotions explained, timelines, and references to my status as a person to the deceased was very helpful and shed some light on feelings I did not know how to label, give them contexts. I skipped some sections irrelevant to the person who has passed.

I would recommend this book to anyone who is going through grief. It is a great reference book to go back to throughout the entire grieving process.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a well written text and has some incredible insight into the world of grieving. Even though we all grieve differently, Rando touches on some really nice topics that can help the counselor to the griever. I found it best to read this book as a resource. I would recommend picking the topic that interest you from the contents page and go from there.

[Karla · Rating 5 out of 5]

The psychological aspects of grieving. The central message is, "It is okay to grieve your way, just do it so you can move on." This book was very helpful to me when my husband died. I have purchased copies to give to friends.

[Annette Reynolds · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well-researched, helpful book for those in need of help and validation for what they're going through in their grief.

The author's style can be a bit clinical, but I'd still recommend this book to anyone dealing with present or past loss.

[ForestGardenGal · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not the book that helped me the most, because it is a bit dry and hard to read when in the throes of grief. However, I did get more out of it on second reading a few years down the road when I could concentrate more.

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a wonderful book for someone who is grieving a loss. It is accessible and not full of bereavement theory. I've given a copy to several people when helping them through grief.

[Tc · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books on grieving ever!

[Covenant Presbyterian Springfield Ohio]

Call Number: 152.4 RAN

A gift of Beverly STURM.

Available.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

the section about holidays and traditions was especially helpful