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Embracing Shame: How to Stop Resisting Shame and Turn It into a Powerful Ally
Discover a proven pathway for transforming shame from a self-punishing emotion into a powerful ally for your health and happiness.
Why do we feel shame? Given how painful and destructive shame can be, it’s easy to see this emotion as an inner demon that turns our own mind against us. Yet shame is a universal emotion―and it serves an important purpose. “While toxic shame can keep us stuck in a self-defeating vortex,” say Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubin, “there is a healthy expression of shame designed to protect us, help us change, and actually build our self-esteem.”
With Embracing Shame, these expert teachers share an invaluable guide to an emotion so volatile that most of us―including therapists―avoid talking about it. Here this husband and wife team, cofounders of the Center for Healing Shame, examine the dynamics of shame, the reasons it arises, why it causes such harm, and how we can heal its negative effects. Through case studies, creative tools, and body-based practices, they invite you to
• The purpose of shame―How it is meant to protect and guide us, and why it gets distorted into a self-sabotaging emotion
• How shame disguises itself by “binding” to other emotions―and methods for disentangling these complex feelings
• The ways shame forms in childhood, evolves as we grow, is impacted by trauma, and takes residence in the body
• Practical guidance for regulating common shame-based challenges―including the inner critic, imposter syndrome, perfectionism, intimacy in relationships, and much more
While no amount of self-talk, personal success, or therapy can eradicate shame, we can transform shame into the supportive, health-promoting force it was meant to be. Created as a go-to resource for laypersons and healing professionals alike, Embracing Shame offers an achievable path for reclaiming the true potential of this vital emotion to help us grow, connect, and find a new confidence in the way we move through life.
Why do we feel shame? Given how painful and destructive shame can be, it’s easy to see this emotion as an inner demon that turns our own mind against us. Yet shame is a universal emotion―and it serves an important purpose. “While toxic shame can keep us stuck in a self-defeating vortex,” say Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubin, “there is a healthy expression of shame designed to protect us, help us change, and actually build our self-esteem.”
With Embracing Shame, these expert teachers share an invaluable guide to an emotion so volatile that most of us―including therapists―avoid talking about it. Here this husband and wife team, cofounders of the Center for Healing Shame, examine the dynamics of shame, the reasons it arises, why it causes such harm, and how we can heal its negative effects. Through case studies, creative tools, and body-based practices, they invite you to
• The purpose of shame―How it is meant to protect and guide us, and why it gets distorted into a self-sabotaging emotion
• How shame disguises itself by “binding” to other emotions―and methods for disentangling these complex feelings
• The ways shame forms in childhood, evolves as we grow, is impacted by trauma, and takes residence in the body
• Practical guidance for regulating common shame-based challenges―including the inner critic, imposter syndrome, perfectionism, intimacy in relationships, and much more
While no amount of self-talk, personal success, or therapy can eradicate shame, we can transform shame into the supportive, health-promoting force it was meant to be. Created as a go-to resource for laypersons and healing professionals alike, Embracing Shame offers an achievable path for reclaiming the true potential of this vital emotion to help us grow, connect, and find a new confidence in the way we move through life.
224 pages, Paperback
Published October 17, 2023
126 people are currently reading
318 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews
February 16, 2024
When we experience what we commonly refer to as “anxiety”.
If you examine the feeling closely.
Oftentimes it’s a combination of paralytic shame, and fear.
When we are held in a prolonged frozen state of shame/fear.
What the authors of this book refer to as a “shame bind”.
We feel groundless and blank.
Disembodied, disempowered and disabled.
We loose ourselves in dysregulating relationships.
We become disconnected from our bodies.
We become alienated from our painful emotions.
And we can become cutoff from our authentic, healthy joy, pride, acceptance and love of self.
This can profoundly affect us in the core of our being.
And it can negatively impact our sense of self, our creative work, and our professional careers.
In order to create anything new (in art, science, business, etc.) we necessarily have to face uncertainty and imperfection.
In order to share our creations with others, we necessarily have to subject ourselves to risk of criticism and rejection.
If we have inexperienced, unresolved, or unknown shame/fear in the core of our being, than facing the uncertainty, imperfection and rejection of creating and sharing can become next to impossible, particularly when we are creating something we truly care about, and that is an honest reflection of who we truly are.
We may find it easy to help others.
But very difficult to accept help, or create for ourselves.
Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubins are both therapists.
And they have made it their mission to help others through this type of shame/fear bind.
I’m a therapist too.
I read this for me.
I have suffered from CRIPPLING SHAME/FEAR for my whole life. It almost stopped me from becoming a therapist.
But it didn’t.
And it doesn’t have stop you from living with more freedom, ease, energy, compassion, comfort, and self confidence.
This is a FANTASTIC book.
It really helped me name and feel my own shame/fear.
If you can name and explicitly feel it.
You can see it.
And then you don’t have to be it.
I HIGHLY recommend all of Bret and Sheila’s book.
But (in my humble opinion) this is their best.
5/5 STARS ⭐️
If you examine the feeling closely.
Oftentimes it’s a combination of paralytic shame, and fear.
When we are held in a prolonged frozen state of shame/fear.
What the authors of this book refer to as a “shame bind”.
We feel groundless and blank.
Disembodied, disempowered and disabled.
We loose ourselves in dysregulating relationships.
We become disconnected from our bodies.
We become alienated from our painful emotions.
And we can become cutoff from our authentic, healthy joy, pride, acceptance and love of self.
This can profoundly affect us in the core of our being.
And it can negatively impact our sense of self, our creative work, and our professional careers.
In order to create anything new (in art, science, business, etc.) we necessarily have to face uncertainty and imperfection.
In order to share our creations with others, we necessarily have to subject ourselves to risk of criticism and rejection.
If we have inexperienced, unresolved, or unknown shame/fear in the core of our being, than facing the uncertainty, imperfection and rejection of creating and sharing can become next to impossible, particularly when we are creating something we truly care about, and that is an honest reflection of who we truly are.
We may find it easy to help others.
But very difficult to accept help, or create for ourselves.
Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubins are both therapists.
And they have made it their mission to help others through this type of shame/fear bind.
I’m a therapist too.
I read this for me.
I have suffered from CRIPPLING SHAME/FEAR for my whole life. It almost stopped me from becoming a therapist.
But it didn’t.
And it doesn’t have stop you from living with more freedom, ease, energy, compassion, comfort, and self confidence.
This is a FANTASTIC book.
It really helped me name and feel my own shame/fear.
If you can name and explicitly feel it.
You can see it.
And then you don’t have to be it.
I HIGHLY recommend all of Bret and Sheila’s book.
But (in my humble opinion) this is their best.
5/5 STARS ⭐️
December 13, 2025
3,5/5
utancı doğrudan ele alması ve önerilen birçok egzersiz çok güzeldi ama bir noktadan -utanç beden ilişkisi bölümünden- sonra çok tahinin edilebilir, yavan bir hâle geldi.
utancı doğrudan ele alması ve önerilen birçok egzersiz çok güzeldi ama bir noktadan -utanç beden ilişkisi bölümünden- sonra çok tahinin edilebilir, yavan bir hâle geldi.
February 17, 2024
Embracing Shame is the best book I've read on shame.
Shame thrives on secrecy; yet, discernment is needed when sharing... this is why I am wildly grateful for those brave writers and artists who vulnerably share in a way that helps me and others. It is my deepest hope to one day be able to openly share in this way.
Shame thrives on secrecy; yet, discernment is needed when sharing... this is why I am wildly grateful for those brave writers and artists who vulnerably share in a way that helps me and others. It is my deepest hope to one day be able to openly share in this way.
December 8, 2023
This book discusses: definition of shame; toxic and healthy responses to shame; how shame connects with other emotions like anger, guilt, and loneliness; how we developed shame growing up and how to heal from that; and how shame influences interpersonal relationships.
The book gives numerous mental and physical exercises to deal with past and present shame which I think are the parts where the book provides its most value. The book also details out concrete examples of people dealing with the emotion which I found insightful.
I've learned new practical concepts that impacts interpersonal relationships, such as the four language styles: love, power, fact, vision; shame reactions: attack-other, attack-self, deny, withdraw; and techniques to deal with the shame voice: both-and technique and parts language technique, among other things.
A compelling quote from the book: "Healthy shame leads to more rewarding relationships with ourselves and others." Anyone interested in that would find this book valuable and worth the read.
The book gives numerous mental and physical exercises to deal with past and present shame which I think are the parts where the book provides its most value. The book also details out concrete examples of people dealing with the emotion which I found insightful.
I've learned new practical concepts that impacts interpersonal relationships, such as the four language styles: love, power, fact, vision; shame reactions: attack-other, attack-self, deny, withdraw; and techniques to deal with the shame voice: both-and technique and parts language technique, among other things.
A compelling quote from the book: "Healthy shame leads to more rewarding relationships with ourselves and others." Anyone interested in that would find this book valuable and worth the read.
July 24, 2024
This is a good, helpful book about how shame develops and dissipates and (like the title suggests) makes a plausible case for a use-value for shame deployed in certain ways that goes against the narrative arc of guilt good and shame bad that has been out there for a while.
I will say that the attempt to connect the individual and relational work they propose/outline to possibilities for social change are the least compelling arguments they make. They seem to be just another one of the grandiose things people say when proposing that the work they do is all the world needs.
116. […] it’s up to all of us to transform our stories with kindness. In this way, there’s hope for a world governed less by shame and more by love and connection. Shame is the compost for a new narrative. […] that compost is what makes new growth (including food that nourishes us and others) possible.”
199. See website: healingshame.com
30 shame tx with trauma
37 practice
47 fawn response
83-4 boundaries, worthiness & healthy shame
90-91, 99-101 response to unmet attention needs
114. combine imaginal and somatic realms in tx
117-20 difference between internal and spoken dialog
123 How-to: giving shame back
124-5 inner child exercises (yum)
129. trauma as more deeply embodied shame?
131. shame as cognitive-forward what might have been trauma?
137 being seen/heard
138. bad experience ends!
138-150 Healing exercises!!! (use)
166 yawning
179 parenting and shame
I will say that the attempt to connect the individual and relational work they propose/outline to possibilities for social change are the least compelling arguments they make. They seem to be just another one of the grandiose things people say when proposing that the work they do is all the world needs.
116. […] it’s up to all of us to transform our stories with kindness. In this way, there’s hope for a world governed less by shame and more by love and connection. Shame is the compost for a new narrative. […] that compost is what makes new growth (including food that nourishes us and others) possible.”
199. See website: healingshame.com
30 shame tx with trauma
37 practice
47 fawn response
83-4 boundaries, worthiness & healthy shame
90-91, 99-101 response to unmet attention needs
114. combine imaginal and somatic realms in tx
117-20 difference between internal and spoken dialog
123 How-to: giving shame back
124-5 inner child exercises (yum)
129. trauma as more deeply embodied shame?
131. shame as cognitive-forward what might have been trauma?
137 being seen/heard
138. bad experience ends!
138-150 Healing exercises!!! (use)
166 yawning
179 parenting and shame
January 11, 2025
Interesting
This book introduced a new perspective on shame that I hadn’t ever read. I enjoyed the new angle and hope to use it in my practice.
This book introduced a new perspective on shame that I hadn’t ever read. I enjoyed the new angle and hope to use it in my practice.
December 29, 2024
A must read for anyone wishing to understand and recognize shame in themselves and others.
This book helps to demystify the experience of shame and is a valuable resource to have for those working in the helping profession.
This book helps to demystify the experience of shame and is a valuable resource to have for those working in the helping profession.
December 2, 2023
Having taken most of Bret and Sheila's workshops at their Center for Healing Shame, I can say that this is a SOLID source of information for both therapists and non therapists wanting to heal their shame. They have managed to condense their teachings into a relatable, easy to read and practical book. Having read many of the books on shame, I believe that this is the most comprehensive resource to date. They share information about shame as an emotion, how it shows up in our lives/across the lifespan and what it can look like to live with 'healthy shame' vs. 'toxic shame'. Imagine that!
I can attest to the power of Bret and Sheila's work in my own personal journey of healing from toxic, pervasive shame. This book is a balm for the soul. It normalizes the experience of shame and slowly, gently teaches us how transform it into something that will guide and inform, not rule our lives. I highly recommend it to all humans and those who are curious about this thing we call 'shame
I can attest to the power of Bret and Sheila's work in my own personal journey of healing from toxic, pervasive shame. This book is a balm for the soul. It normalizes the experience of shame and slowly, gently teaches us how transform it into something that will guide and inform, not rule our lives. I highly recommend it to all humans and those who are curious about this thing we call 'shame
November 22, 2023
A beautiful piece of work
This book provides a compelling account of shame, the most neglected emotion, its adverse impact on mental health, as well as ways of overcoming shame to lead a fuller, happier life. Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubin have devoted their careers to helping clients heal from shame and educating therapists and other healing practitioners to do the same. Having attended one of their workshops, I have direct experience of their wisdom, warmth, and skill as master therapists and teachers. They have distilled the essence of their life's work, with grace, clarity, and compassion into a readable and helpful book, that's both a theoretical overview and treatment manual. The practice exercises at the end of each chapter are alone worth the price of admission. The book will be of immense value to anyone dealing with the negative effects of shame in themselves or their clients.
This book provides a compelling account of shame, the most neglected emotion, its adverse impact on mental health, as well as ways of overcoming shame to lead a fuller, happier life. Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubin have devoted their careers to helping clients heal from shame and educating therapists and other healing practitioners to do the same. Having attended one of their workshops, I have direct experience of their wisdom, warmth, and skill as master therapists and teachers. They have distilled the essence of their life's work, with grace, clarity, and compassion into a readable and helpful book, that's both a theoretical overview and treatment manual. The practice exercises at the end of each chapter are alone worth the price of admission. The book will be of immense value to anyone dealing with the negative effects of shame in themselves or their clients.
November 15, 2023
When a dear friend of mine introduced me to Bret and Sheila and their vital work on healing shame, it was the most important piece of my own healing work that was missing. As a therapist, I have dedicated years towards my own healing work which I believe is vital in offering support to others. Shame was the missing piece, at the center of childhood trauma. Shame is like a big secret and the more I hid it from myself and from others, the bigger and more painful it grew. It is the thing that no one talks about but it’s everywhere, hidden in plain sight, like dark matter.
With tremendous courage, Bret and Shiela cast a light on this amorphous thing that we all hide in, and in this light, we can begin to see, to name, to give back, to counter, and to embrace the shame that resides in so many of us struggling. Their book also shines a beautiful light on our most important relationship we can ever develop, our relationship with our inner child and how to heal the shame that our inner children carry. A book that masterfully combines vital inner child work and shame work is truly a unique gem.
I am forever grateful for Bret and Sheila and for their sincere dedication to help people heal from shame. Thank you Sheila and Bret, for this beautiful book that you gifted us, a light which will continue to shine bright!
With tremendous courage, Bret and Shiela cast a light on this amorphous thing that we all hide in, and in this light, we can begin to see, to name, to give back, to counter, and to embrace the shame that resides in so many of us struggling. Their book also shines a beautiful light on our most important relationship we can ever develop, our relationship with our inner child and how to heal the shame that our inner children carry. A book that masterfully combines vital inner child work and shame work is truly a unique gem.
I am forever grateful for Bret and Sheila and for their sincere dedication to help people heal from shame. Thank you Sheila and Bret, for this beautiful book that you gifted us, a light which will continue to shine bright!
November 7, 2023
Bret and Sheila have crafted an extraordinary masterpiece. There is truly nothing like it available in the realm of understanding and addressing shame. Their comprehensive exploration of how shame manifests and their practical guidance on working with it sets this book apart. It offers a highly specific and actionable approach to reshaping the paradigm surrounding shame. This isn't just about understanding shame; it's about effecting real change.
My personal experience studying with them has been nothing short of life-altering, and it has significantly transformed my professional practice. Those of us who have eagerly awaited this book can attest that the wait has been more than worthwhile.
What's even more remarkable is that this book now grants the general public access to comprehending the profound impact of shame on our lives and how it can be both a limitation and a catalyst for transformation.
Bret and Sheila possess a gift for explaining difficult or complicated topics with ease and compassion. Their book illuminates and artfully dissects shame, the missing piece in most healing processes that most therapists and healers tend to avoid unless they've had the privilege of studying with Bret and Sheila.
Thank you for penning this book and making your invaluable insights accessible to everyone. Your contributions are reshaping the landscape of therapy and healing, and I am immensely thankful for your gifts.
My personal experience studying with them has been nothing short of life-altering, and it has significantly transformed my professional practice. Those of us who have eagerly awaited this book can attest that the wait has been more than worthwhile.
What's even more remarkable is that this book now grants the general public access to comprehending the profound impact of shame on our lives and how it can be both a limitation and a catalyst for transformation.
Bret and Sheila possess a gift for explaining difficult or complicated topics with ease and compassion. Their book illuminates and artfully dissects shame, the missing piece in most healing processes that most therapists and healers tend to avoid unless they've had the privilege of studying with Bret and Sheila.
Thank you for penning this book and making your invaluable insights accessible to everyone. Your contributions are reshaping the landscape of therapy and healing, and I am immensely thankful for your gifts.
November 9, 2023
Embracing Shame delivers clear ideas and useful tools for transforming our relationship to shame and melting the state of freeze shame activates. We’ve all experienced that moment when we feel hijacked by shame, parts of our brain go off-line no longer available for problem solving. As a result, we often rely on habitual behaviors (blame self, blame others, withdraw or fawn/cling) that lead to greater disconnection and isolation. This book delivers tons of practices that work to melt the shame freeze and reconnect us to our curiosity and courage so we can re-establish connection and belonging. Living in this time when we are only one click away from shaming, toxic and hateful rhetoric, we need more tools for healing and re-connection, both for ourselves and the ones we love. Definitely worth re-reading.
November 14, 2023
I'm so excited for this book, not only are Bret & Sheila's methods to help clients deal with their internalized toxic shame revolutionary, but emotional health and healthy shame are one of the foundational pieces to healing. This book will change how you view shame, as we tend to vilify it because it doesn't feel good, but shame as the social construct 'master' emotion helps us to reconnect in our bodies, heal from trauma and understand and attune to our needs on a fundamental level. Transforming toxic, pervasive shame into healthy shame bit by bit, is such a powerful, stunning experience!
Easy to understand and assimilate, well-written and beyond helpful in our journey, Embracing Shame is a must-read if you are looking to live your fullest, most authentic life!
Easy to understand and assimilate, well-written and beyond helpful in our journey, Embracing Shame is a must-read if you are looking to live your fullest, most authentic life!
November 9, 2023
What struck me most was the extreme kindness I felt as these authors delicately brought me into their world of knowledge, insight, and ultimately healing embrace while being with such a painful subject. I felt no resistance to doing the simple exercise prompts throughout the book giving me a feeling of being embraced by myself as well as from the solace of their kind words. Seriously, a must read and holiday gift list top choice.
July 25, 2023
This book struck a deep chord with me, as it delves into the intricate facets of shame and offers valuable insights on how to confront and heal from this complex emotion. The husband and wife duo behind this work have done an exceptional job, presenting a well-structured and easily accessible guide to understanding and addressing shame-related issues.
This book is a compassionate and insightful guide to exploring the complexities of shame, and the authors' approach encourages us to approach it with self-compassion, especially for the wounded parts within us. Drawing from their extensive knowledge and experiences, the authors share compelling stories from their clients, students, and even their own lives, deepening our understanding of this intricate emotion.
The chapter on "shame binds," particularly in relation to addictions, sheds a powerful light on the underlying dynamics of shame in such situations. The authors' exploration of somatic theories, drawing from experts like Stephen Porges and Peter Levine, adds another layer of depth to the book.
I appreciate how the authors incorporate wisdom from trauma experts like Gabor Mate, Sue Johnson, Bessel van der Kolk, Richard Schwartz, and Dan Siegel. It enriches the book and provides practical and valuable advice on how to navigate and heal from shame.
This book has earned a place in my reference library, and I know I will turn to it whenever I need grounding. The authors' suggestions, such as maintaining a healthy distance from traumatizing events, using curiosity to gain perspective, and rediscovering self-regulation through strengths like humor, are invaluable tools for personal growth and healing.
The advice given by the authors has the potential to transform the life of someone feeling stuck in pain. It encourages individuals to resource themselves and explore new possibilities for moving forward. Having access to such informed perspectives is truly a gift, and I am grateful for the wisdom shared in this remarkable book.#EmbracingShame #NetGalley
This book is a compassionate and insightful guide to exploring the complexities of shame, and the authors' approach encourages us to approach it with self-compassion, especially for the wounded parts within us. Drawing from their extensive knowledge and experiences, the authors share compelling stories from their clients, students, and even their own lives, deepening our understanding of this intricate emotion.
The chapter on "shame binds," particularly in relation to addictions, sheds a powerful light on the underlying dynamics of shame in such situations. The authors' exploration of somatic theories, drawing from experts like Stephen Porges and Peter Levine, adds another layer of depth to the book.
I appreciate how the authors incorporate wisdom from trauma experts like Gabor Mate, Sue Johnson, Bessel van der Kolk, Richard Schwartz, and Dan Siegel. It enriches the book and provides practical and valuable advice on how to navigate and heal from shame.
This book has earned a place in my reference library, and I know I will turn to it whenever I need grounding. The authors' suggestions, such as maintaining a healthy distance from traumatizing events, using curiosity to gain perspective, and rediscovering self-regulation through strengths like humor, are invaluable tools for personal growth and healing.
The advice given by the authors has the potential to transform the life of someone feeling stuck in pain. It encourages individuals to resource themselves and explore new possibilities for moving forward. Having access to such informed perspectives is truly a gift, and I am grateful for the wisdom shared in this remarkable book.#EmbracingShame #NetGalley
July 17, 2023
In Embracing Shame, teachers and therapists with decades of experience, Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubin, brilliantly and smoothly navigate the tricky, universally repellent territory of shame. Their first audacious surprise is using “embrace” and “shame” in a book title! Shame is universally scary. It is most often secrets lodged in our memory that we think we’ve forgotten, but they pop out to make us queasy on the regular. We feel if our shame was known by others, our loved ones would reject us and banish us from their lives. Our shame grows and can morph into something more sinister than the initial event when it stays between our ears. This book educates and liberates us to be our authentic selves. Brought out into the light, with educational support like this book, shame can safely be examined and shared with trusted individuals. Unmasking it helps us heal. We are encouraged to read this book with self-compassion for the most injured parts of ourselves. These authors are well-versed in the study of shame, as we see in their stories from clients, students, and their own personal experiences. I found the chapter on “shame binds” (like addiction) to be particularly illuminating. I also appreciate their exploration of somatic theories (Stephen Porges, Peter Levine) and advice from trauma experts Gabor Mate, Sue Johnson, Bessel van der Kolk, Richard Schwartz, and Dan Siegel. I will add this book to my reference library and will refer to it when I need to ground myself, using their suggestions of keeping a healthy distance from traumatizing events, using curiosity to keep perspective, and rediscovering ways to self-regulate through strengths like humor. These authors give advice that can help a stuck person in pain move forward by resourcing themselves and trying something new. I am so glad to have access to the informed perspectives shared in this book!
November 14, 2023
I am totally overwhelmed every time I read from Embracing Shame or even look at its beautiful cover. It is a condensation of twenty years of the work my wife, Sheila Rubin, and I have done on teaching and exploring how shame works and how to turn it into a useful ally. It is our mission to change the world, one person at a time, by deshaming shame and transforming it from toxic to healthy. I am deeply grateful to our wonderful editor, Robert Lee, who cut about 1/3 of what we had written and made the book even better and to our publisher, Sounds True, for all their support along the way. I had not fully realized the sacrifices you make to write a book, the many activities, vacations and even friends that you don't have time for. And all the sacrifices were worth it to have this book out in the world. Sheila and I hope and believe that it will help many people to live the richer, freer lives they were meant to live and that they deserve.
May 28, 2023
I'm very familiar with my own shame and this book explains all the different types of shame and how to embrace and work on your issues surrounding the topic. I think the husband and wife team did an excellent job outlining the chapters and made it easy to read. Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC. Five stars.
November 10, 2023
BRAVO!! As a Trauma DeActivator~DeArmourer Practitioner of over 37 years, I rarely come across a book that truly handholds one through the intricacies of deep inner work. This beautiful book delivers!! I highly recommend reading and doing the exercises in Embracing Shame: How to Stop Resisting Shame & Turn It into a Powerful Ally. It will be mandatory reading for all my clients and students.
This book had to be written, and the timing of its birth is Divine, given the intensity of the current events on the Matrix world stage.
Bret and Sheila have figured out how to navigate the S-word—Shame. This work unlocks the self-imposed individualised prison cell of our Shame-based society. It majestically stands alone outside the purview of typical surface-skimming offerings of Self-Help New Age Love & Light Only bs that sugar-coats painful traumas AND standard pop psychology models fronted by pretty-perky-perfect experts touting this quick fix and that—leaving us all flapping in the wind filled with even more Shame than before because we’re not getting the simplicity of what they’re selling. I’ve bought into these brands; they often end up in the Goodwill donations pile.
This book is lovely to look at! From cover to cover, every line on every page, there are gems that sparkle and tinkle—getting your attention, or you will catch yourself sobbing or cheering with the sheer joy of recognising your already triumphant journey of waltzing in and out of the Matrix with all its traumas, of which Shame is its main tool to keep us shutdown and apart, separated from one another, or mated together in an ugly snarling truce, or suffering in silence and bitter hermitage.
So many psychology, self-help, and relationship experts offering their advice are single. Sheila and Bret are an actual married couple!! They have partnered in their grand and noble endeavour to share their journey, not as "perfect" people, but as a real-deal husband and wife facing challenges just like the rest of us. They are authentic practitioners of walking their talk and working through, bit by bit, the heavy metal of Shadow Work, the Great Work that most humans will never do, of healing painful childhood traumas; they know about the suffering that often gets handed down through the generations within all families. They are also aware of the spiritual process of evolving consciousness through our PTSDs, learning to love one’s bestest—choosing love, particularly during moments of being so emotionally triggered—we’re unable to see straight, let alone be open to having a tricky conversation!
This beautiful book is a step-by-step guide to discovering those abandoned and forgotten parts of us covered in Shame so we can retrieve them and lovingly carry them from our past and into our current lives, including their wisdom of having suffered rightly: Shame as a Powerful Ally. By doing this, we can experience the blessed wholeness sum of our many parts with love, our dignity, and Divine Nature restored.
This book had to be written, and the timing of its birth is Divine, given the intensity of the current events on the Matrix world stage.
Bret and Sheila have figured out how to navigate the S-word—Shame. This work unlocks the self-imposed individualised prison cell of our Shame-based society. It majestically stands alone outside the purview of typical surface-skimming offerings of Self-Help New Age Love & Light Only bs that sugar-coats painful traumas AND standard pop psychology models fronted by pretty-perky-perfect experts touting this quick fix and that—leaving us all flapping in the wind filled with even more Shame than before because we’re not getting the simplicity of what they’re selling. I’ve bought into these brands; they often end up in the Goodwill donations pile.
This book is lovely to look at! From cover to cover, every line on every page, there are gems that sparkle and tinkle—getting your attention, or you will catch yourself sobbing or cheering with the sheer joy of recognising your already triumphant journey of waltzing in and out of the Matrix with all its traumas, of which Shame is its main tool to keep us shutdown and apart, separated from one another, or mated together in an ugly snarling truce, or suffering in silence and bitter hermitage.
So many psychology, self-help, and relationship experts offering their advice are single. Sheila and Bret are an actual married couple!! They have partnered in their grand and noble endeavour to share their journey, not as "perfect" people, but as a real-deal husband and wife facing challenges just like the rest of us. They are authentic practitioners of walking their talk and working through, bit by bit, the heavy metal of Shadow Work, the Great Work that most humans will never do, of healing painful childhood traumas; they know about the suffering that often gets handed down through the generations within all families. They are also aware of the spiritual process of evolving consciousness through our PTSDs, learning to love one’s bestest—choosing love, particularly during moments of being so emotionally triggered—we’re unable to see straight, let alone be open to having a tricky conversation!
This beautiful book is a step-by-step guide to discovering those abandoned and forgotten parts of us covered in Shame so we can retrieve them and lovingly carry them from our past and into our current lives, including their wisdom of having suffered rightly: Shame as a Powerful Ally. By doing this, we can experience the blessed wholeness sum of our many parts with love, our dignity, and Divine Nature restored.
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May 10, 2024Shame is the opposite of life force and vitality.
Its the feeling that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love
Shame is a breaking of the bridge of connectedness to others
Most (90%) of shame feelings are not abt what is happening as the trigger but abt what happened in the past
Shame exists to help us navigate customs so we have a better chance of survival. It keeps us out of trouble and reminds us of boundaries
Shame can bind w other emotions and keep them stuck and unfelt - grief, anger, fear, joy.
Reactions to shame are to - attack self, attack others, deny(forget the past), withdrawal
Healthy vs toxic shame- one freezes the nervous system. Shame is not going away, we need to be in right relationship to it
Holding ourselves responsible for our own sense of disconnection (even as babies) empowers us because we believe we can change ourselves and we believe that we cant change adults
An event is traumatic if:
The person feels powerless
It is frightening
It changes your beliefs about yourself
The body says what words cannot - m.graham
We experience our sexuality on a spiritual level as a yearning for another person
Shame is the interruption of pleasure
Affectionate touch is connective, caring, safe
Sensual touch is pleasurable
Sexual touch is “more intense and goal oriented”
Its the feeling that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love
Shame is a breaking of the bridge of connectedness to others
Most (90%) of shame feelings are not abt what is happening as the trigger but abt what happened in the past
Shame exists to help us navigate customs so we have a better chance of survival. It keeps us out of trouble and reminds us of boundaries
Shame can bind w other emotions and keep them stuck and unfelt - grief, anger, fear, joy.
Reactions to shame are to - attack self, attack others, deny(forget the past), withdrawal
Healthy vs toxic shame- one freezes the nervous system. Shame is not going away, we need to be in right relationship to it
Holding ourselves responsible for our own sense of disconnection (even as babies) empowers us because we believe we can change ourselves and we believe that we cant change adults
An event is traumatic if:
The person feels powerless
It is frightening
It changes your beliefs about yourself
The body says what words cannot - m.graham
We experience our sexuality on a spiritual level as a yearning for another person
Shame is the interruption of pleasure
Affectionate touch is connective, caring, safe
Sensual touch is pleasurable
Sexual touch is “more intense and goal oriented”
December 14, 2023
A Highly Effective, Gentle Way To Heal Shame
While most still shy away from even saying the word shame, Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubin have found a gentle and highly effective way to name it, embrace it, and bring light to this primary emotion that otherwise keeps so many stuck in less adaptive behaviors, beliefs, cycles, and emotional states. By sharing their expertise, personal stories, and anecdotes from clients, along with helpful exercises, even the uninitiated can gain a greater ability to consciously shift their shame and responses to it. Unconscious shame affects all of our decisions, relationships, and even our health. Embracing Shame is a well-thought-out and proven roadmap to changing our relationship to and the effects of shame on our lives.
While most still shy away from even saying the word shame, Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubin have found a gentle and highly effective way to name it, embrace it, and bring light to this primary emotion that otherwise keeps so many stuck in less adaptive behaviors, beliefs, cycles, and emotional states. By sharing their expertise, personal stories, and anecdotes from clients, along with helpful exercises, even the uninitiated can gain a greater ability to consciously shift their shame and responses to it. Unconscious shame affects all of our decisions, relationships, and even our health. Embracing Shame is a well-thought-out and proven roadmap to changing our relationship to and the effects of shame on our lives.
November 12, 2023
Sheila Rubin and Bret Lyon have written a masterful, transformational, comprehensive, and user friendly guide to understanding and working with shame. It is written in a style that feels as if the authors ar having a relaxed conversation with you. The easy to follow explanations and creative experiential exercises will help you "embrace shame" by transforming toxic shame into healthy shame. The importance of working with shame for couples cannot be overstated. This book is especially important for parents in raising secure, confident children. I would call this book "the ultimate guide to healing shame."
November 25, 2023
Shame is the least understood emotion that secretly powers so many feeling states (e.g. resentment, social fears) and represses others. It's at the root of a variety of human struggles and it's a core construct of personality. You could read a hundred books on the myriad products of shame or you can just read this book. The authors demonstrate the centrality of shame with chapters and examples that resonate with familiarity. There are ample practices that make the 'embracing' real and these are crucial because it might be the same thing as embracing ourselves, which is difficult for all to some degree.
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May 1, 2024In every argument, there are actually three threads of conversations: 1) what actually happened, 2) how it made each person feel, 3) what the event/feeling says about your identity
People talk about 1 and sometimes 2, but the 3rd is often invisible, even to ourselves (so we really cannot have a conversation about it if it’s hidden from ourselves!)— this is where the layer of shame hides, and drives the emotions and actions.
People talk about 1 and sometimes 2, but the 3rd is often invisible, even to ourselves (so we really cannot have a conversation about it if it’s hidden from ourselves!)— this is where the layer of shame hides, and drives the emotions and actions.
January 30, 2025
I can see the value of this book as a resource for therapists. It includes a wide array of practical exercises that are probably best done with professional support, but the theory underlying them is still quite fascinating for a layperson like myself.
Want to read
December 10, 2023Recommended by Sounds True
August 16, 2024
I so enjoyed this! It was really good and I’m glad I bought it so I can save it and do some of the exercises when I feel like pulling it out at the appropriate time!
April 29, 2025
Very helpful delineation of the concept of shame and how that feeling of actions equating to self-worth (low) affect us in long-lasting ways.
January 15, 2024
A trusted expert and caring friend - this book’s advice to those who help others with shame - is exactly how I would first describe this book. For anyone working on understanding their own shame, or even what shame truly is, for anyone working with others and their shame, and for therapists/helping professionals working on their own shame to better work with shame in others - this book is an essential resource. This mysterious, complex and painful emotion is deftly explored and explained to be accessible to all. And then, with vulnerability, humility, precision and enormous compassion how to experience shame in a meaningful and evolving way and even heal it are tenderly revealed. A book I will be keep within reach on my shelf to open often.
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