The Emotional Life of the Toddler

by Alicia F. Lieberman

Although a number of books discuss the physical and cognitive abilities of the toddler, Alicia F. Lieberman’s is the first to examine the varied and intense emotional life of children from ages one to three in Emotional Life of the Toddler .

Any parent who has followed an active toddler around for a day knows that a child of this age is a whirlwind of explosive, contradictory, and ever-changing emotions. Although there are any number of books that cover the physical and cognitive abilities of the toddler, Lieberman’s is the first to offer an in-depth examination of the varied and intense emotional life of children from ages one to three. Drawing on her lifelong research, Dr. Lieberman addresses commonly asked questions and issues. Why, for example, is “no” often the favorite response of the toddler? How should parents deal with the anger they sometimes feel in the face of their toddler’s unflagging obstinacy? Why does a crying toddler run to his mother for a hug only to push himself vigorously away as soon as she begins to embrace him? With the help of numerous examples and vivid cases, Lieberman answers these and other questions, giving us, in the process, a rich, insightful profile of the roller coaster emotional world of the toddler.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Childrens, Education, Audiobook, Science

244 pages, Paperback

First published August 23, 1993

Reviews

[Sara Walsh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Now I just need The Emotional Life of the 39 year old male, and I'll be all set.

[briz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think kids, and child development/child-rearing, are super interesting, and this book focuses on the "cutting edge for the 1980s" premier qualitative psychological/psychiatric research on toddlers. It's a well-written, accessible, and somewhat intellectual/Freudian (even!) book about these notorious little people.

So obv toddlers have a terrible reputation, which seems often well-earned: terrible twos, threenagers, etc. This is an excellent, platinum-gold collection of anecdotes.

At the same time, DUDE, imagine what it's like to:
- have shitty motor control: you can't use your hands very well, your body is clumsy and every day you're waking up with a few more inches, you can barely reach over your STILL QUITE LARGE HEAD
- you can understand waaay more than you can speak, no one can understand your limited attempts to speak very well, you're still trying to pick up tons of vocabulary (and doing a good job, too! though people seem to mostly notice how much you DON'T know how to say)
- indeed, sometimes people laugh at the way you speak, or the questions you ask (!)
- you just got dropped into this bizarre culture (wherever you were born) and are still trying to figure out these people you live with (your caregivers)
- oh yeah, and you can't choose basically anything: what's for dinner tonight, how much you eat (in some circumstances! imagine someone hectoring you to "try everything" at a restaurant? or "clean your plate" or else you get punished?), when you eat, what you wear, where you go, what you do
- OH YEAH, and also you understand vaguely that things can get dicey if you venture far from your caregivers, but you're not 100% sure why, and so you're kinda stuck with them.

Dude. If, starting tomorrow, I woke up like this and this was my life, I would be PISSED. OFF. So I am generally very much in awe with toddlers (and babies, wow) about how frickin' patient they often have to be, and how much equanimity they are forced to practice. If they're screaming, man, I would be screaming too! Probably much more!! Whenever the f I want because DAMN is everything frustrating!

All that said, as someone who is regularly interacting with toddlers, it is also very true that - for us lucky grown-ups who have been living with independence, milder moods and more predictable everything - toddlerness can be baffling and exhausting. Entree this book! Seriously, reading this book was quite inspiring and fascinating, but it also injected me with profound new reserves of patience and compassion: for myself and for my little one. It gave me - the adult! - words. It gave me a language for this experience, and taught me to understand and parse what we go through. It also gave me an uplifting, and bittersweet (!), realization that there is a "light" at the end of this tunnel: soon, the emotional storms will calm and we'll have (relatively) smooth sailing until puberty. Allow me to choke up for a moment.

Importantly, this book is not a typical "parenting advice" book, in the style of, e.g., those godawful "how to potty train your child in 5 hours" books that have so much judgment and totally evidence-free pontificating. God, I hate the parenting industrial complex sometimes! Give me well-meaning academic research any day. Indeed, this book is a "pop" psychology book, aimed at the general reader, written by an academic, and summarizing what I presume was the academic mainstream of attachment theory (nb: not "attachment parenting") in the 80s/90s. Some Goodreads reviews complain that this book is thus out of date. I'd LOVE a research update! But I was happy with what was here.

To summarize the book's main message: the toddler year(s) is all about the tension between a toddler's new realization and ability to be more independent (walking! talking! having opinions!), coupled with the need for a "secure base" with a primary caregiver (the book uses the mom as a stand-in and, before you wave your spear of social justice at it, this is statistically most often the case - something they emphasize as well). At the same time, the toddler is navigating an emotional landscape that is becoming more and more complex - learning about their own emotions, about the emotions of the people around them - while they're still constrained by a very limited ability to "name and tame" what's going on inside of themselves. Remember, diagnosis is half the healing process! Just knowing that, e.g., you feel jealous because of x or frustrated because of y, can help everything get better. Just think how often adults learn and re-learn this lesson!

The book's main advice, or the general message I took away from it was: have compassion for your toddler, but don't be a wet mop. Don't be afraid of their strong (negative) emotions: indeed, if you're afraid of them, they'll become even MORE afraid of them. I particularly liked the example of the mom who negotiates for 45 minutes with her daughter about leaving a party. The toddler demands to stay, cries, etc. The mom keeps negotiating. I have witnessed this. I have had the thought that the author notes: it's not really fair to insist that the toddler leave with a smile on their face! Just pick them up and go. Also, the book's final, FINAL message, like on the last page, is also a good one: just chill out. Do less. Imperfect parenting is actually so much better for them - because you're helping them build up THEIR reserves and resilience.

Anyway, highly recommended. I really enjoyed this.

[Sonya Feher · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Emotional Life of the Toddler was published in 1993 and it suffers from the lack of some of the latest attachment research and access to more recently published parenting resources. Lieberman's chapters on "The Challenges of Being (and Raising) a Toddler" and "The Toddler in Childcare" are very good. The chapter about divorce and how to help a child negotiate all of the changes and tensions inherent in the break-up of a family offers a big picture understanding as well as specific advice. Her chapters on temperament, active, and shy toddlers, are covered much more specifically in The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron and Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, but Lieberman provides an overview for parents looking to understand their child's temperament. I'd recommend this book to folks looking to understand more about their toddlers, but if you're looking for advice about how to parent a toddler, there are much better books out there.

[Narcisa Chiric · Rating 4 out of 5]

Copii mici au trăiri și sentimente foarte intense iar limita lor cea mai puternică în acest sens este că nu știu cum să exprime tot ceea ce simt sau încă nu pot vorbi pentru a o face.

Mi-a plăcut mult abordarea despre anxietate și efectele ei asupra copiilor. Consider că este foarte util să cunoști aceste aspecte.

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

Updated edition published in 2017. A useful guide to understanding these strange small people and how they see the world. I would’ve appreciated a few more practical tips (the author’s approach was almost too non-judgmental), but it helped improve my understanding of why these kiddos do what they do and what they need in response (much of which comes down to the tension between the need for a secure base and the drive to explore.)

Also reassuring by showing ways to turn those not-my-finest-moments of frustration and impatience into teaching/learning opportunities to talk about feelings, conflict resolution, and making up.

A worthwhile read.

[Michael Burnam-Fink · Rating 5 out of 5]

The thing about being the parent of a toddler is that there's clearly a lot going on in there, but also that so much of what's happening in your little guy is inaccessible. Big feelings, but not a lot of ways to deal with it. There is nothing more upset than a thwarted toddler, and they get thwarted so much.


My child is crying because I told her she couldn't go inside the dishwasher. From Bored Panda

Lieberman's model is a pretty traditional psychodynamic model*, where toddlers are torn between attachment to their parent as a secure base, and a new-found sense of independence in their growing physical abilities to walk, reach, push, and talk. But those abilities are also still profoundly limited by their dexterity, strength, and endurance.

It's hard for me to say what specifically I took out of this book, aside from a more generous way to see the world from knee height, and to give my little guy the space and support he needs to grow up.

[Faree · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF at 50%.

While the book offered valuable insights, extensive research and evolving perspectives over time have rendered parts of it somewhat outdated.

[Christina]

I mostly agree with the approach this book takes regarding toddler emotions. I think it is important to validate a child's emotions while setting guidelines about what is appropriate (e.g. hitting, biting, etc.). My complaint about this book is the secondary role it places parents in. If you know me, you know I am obsessed with my child. I love him, and I want him to be happy and well-adjusted. However, I also think that my feelings, needs, and wants are valid, and I didn't get that message from this book. I understand that the focus is on toddler emotions, but good mental health in parents/caregivers is an important component.

[Katie Gillott · Rating 4 out of 5]

Now that we are in our full-on toddler stage, this was a great, informative read! Lots of information on the how's and why's behind toddler behavior and research on best practices for raising a toddler! Brought me back to some of my college class memories when studying child development.

[Michelle G · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful, I think this will help me be a little more patient. I would recommend this book to other toddler parents.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I glanced at the back cover and saw the author was associated with UCSF, I smiled. UCSF has been such a great resources for pediatrics and education for us.

My aunt, who is a social worker who specializes in working with children, recommended this book. We are both fascinated with how kids think at such a young age, and this is a nice book for understanding child development. It's not entirely a parenting book; that is, it's less geared to telling parents what to do than it is to discussing research and theory, but if you're interested in a toddler's emotional development from a more academic and theoretical perspective, it's quite interesting and useful.

I had it on my nightstand, and Alex picked it up and read a few chapers too, so it definitely draws you in. There are also some chapters that discuss "shyness" and "slow to warm" to new situations kids, which mirror a discussion I had with our San Diego pediatrician. (I would be willing to bet our San Diego ped read this book based on her advice to me, when Anya was getting frightened at large birthday parties).

Anya, of course, fits in no category...she is at times the "active" child that the book discusses and at times "slow to warm," and one thing I dislike or find puzzling about the book, is that she doesn't acknowledge that kids may fall into multiple 'types' or labels. She seems to use her categories exclusively and notes that children who are shy will not be as physically active, which has not always been true in my experience. I find a lot of behavior is situational.

Interesting food for thought, at any rate.

[Kelsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Regarding the dissemination of information: The parents role is to be close at hand to provide the facts that the child wants without adding more information than the child is asking for.

Regarding a parent being rigid in their initial response to something their child does: “ willingness to change our minds in the face of persuasive evidence teaches the child a higher form of consistency: the readiness to engage in dialogue about differing points of view” (45). But when a decision needs to be followed through, we don’t have to change the decision but we should change the tone with which we explain the decision to the child.

Toddlers have a natural sense of fairness and a desire to please. Reframe requests to appeal to these desires. Stop banging on the counter, it hurts mommy’s ears. It’s time for Abinav to take a turn now.

[Alex Templeton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read for my child development class. Fascinating! I feel prepared to raise a toddler now. Ahem, overstatement. But I do feel more well informed. My only hesitation about this book is wondering just how accurate the author's perceptions of the toddler's emotional life can be. She's drawing conclusions based on behavior, but without the children's ability to communicate their feelings, how do we know with total certainty that an adult's interpretations of them to be accurate?

[Lgordo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m sort of stuck between “I’m really glad I read this book, it was very insightful!” And “I’m not sure if I actually got (m)any practical tips from this....”

I think both are true. I understand what’s going on with the kiddo a bit more, and that helps me react to it, but this isn’t a parenting how-to book in the slightest.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good book with real life examples. It helped me see things from the toddlers perspective. It stresses the importance of attachment behavior & a secure base for the toddler. some chapters were not relevant to me such as child care & the divorce situation. A good reference book for sure!

[Shashank · Rating 4 out of 5]

”Toddlers have the gift of living in the moment and finding wonder in the ordinary”.

If you’ve ever wondered what’s going on in the mind of a toddler, especially one who can’t fully verbalise their emotions, this book is a fascinating and insightful read. The author says,

It dives into the emotions and behaviours that make toddlerhood such a rollercoaster, capturing both the joy and exhaustion of parenting during this stage. The author explains that toddlers aren’t just tiny humans throwing tantrums for no reason—they’re experiencing massive emotional, social, and cognitive changes. These changes might explain why they oscillate between fierce independence and complete dependence at the drop of a hat.

What I particularly liked about the book is how Lieberman mixes scientific research with real-life examples. Some examples felt like they were pulled directly from my own experiences, while others gave me a heads-up about what might come; fingers crossed. She talks about things like attachment, emotional regulation, and how toddlers process the world, but she also includes relatable stories that helped me connect the theory with reality. She explains how these little humans are overjoyed with their newly acquired motor skills and want to run free (and fast) as independent humans; it needs a strong heart to see them topple over more than once but refuse to slow down.

One of the book’s biggest strengths is its encouragement to see the world through a toddler’s eyes. It helped broaden my perspective on handling those challenging moments when toddlers insist on doing things their way. Instead of reacting with frustration, anger, or impatience, it helps you approach the situation with more understanding and empathy.

The book also elaborates on how the emotional connection between the child and parent(s) is vital in the child's personality development. Small things that we sometimes overlook could have a significant impact on the child’s mind. She explains how being honest with a child is helpful when the parent is going out or wants to express displeasure with how the child conducts himself/herself.

That said, it’s not a quick-fix parenting guide as “parents and children help each other to grow”. It’s more about deepening our understanding of a child’s emotional world and fostering a stronger connection with children. It was a helpful read, and I hope my daughter benefits from what I’ve learned.

Also, a big shoutout to the “boss” who got me the book and left it on my desk – thank you! 😊

[Kayla · Rating 4 out of 5]

The “Terrible Twos” and the inevitable toddler tantrums are often discussed in a negative and a matter of fact way. Parents are lead to believe they simply should wait and hang on for the ride. Frankly, I think as parents we should do better. We can educate ourselves, understand and adapt to help our children navigate their next chapter and celebrate their new found independence. This book helps navigate those strong emotions felt by both Toddlers and Parents and offers a fresh perspective of a partnership that allows the Parent and Child to figure out what works best for them vs constantly pulling teeth with the other. There are very clear examples and relatable “what if” scenarios that offer advice towards why the child might be feeling the way they are feeling and how to help them. Although I didn’t agree with every piece of advice given I did find the book as a whole to be very helpful and insightful. I now understand on a deeper level the importance of secure attachment and my Toddler’s desire to find a balance between connection and independence. I’d definitely recommend this book to all parents.

[Jac Orlando · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a gorgeous book with so much insight and compassion for young humans. I learned a great deal from this book - both as a parent and a child psychologist. I want to buy copies of this for every new parent and day care provider I interact with. I felt so seen and validated by this book - almost like the author was watching me struggle with my own toddler. I didn’t give it 5 stars as there were some parts I didn’t necessarily agree with and I also found the organization a bit daunting. For example, I didn’t like ending in child care providers and I think that section could have been shorter - or maybe just another book entirely? Anyway, still a great book that I enjoyed and will return to.

[Bryan Tanner · Rating 3 out of 5]

This manual represents decades of professional work for the author. In it, she shares her observations regarding stories about toddlers’ emotions. Lieberman’s many stories of bizarre toddler logic and behavior helped me realize that my toddler’s behavior is expected. I realized that many of my fears were unwarranted.

For example, my toddler was freaking out about haircuts. At first, I thought it was the noise of the clippers. But really, he was freaked out about losing an integral part of himself, like losing a set of fingers. Once I understood this, I took the time to explain and demonstrate that it’s okay to trim our nails, cut our hair, and dispose of human waste. Letting go of those parts of us is regular.

The other major takeaway from her stories was offering toddlers plenty of time to process new understanding (e.g., days).

The book’s last quarter deals with managing a toddler’s sense of safety through a divorce. I frequently fell asleep while reading this part at night. But I still recommend it.

[Crysta · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not so much tips as helping provide an understanding of what's going on in the toddler's busy mind. Lieberman walks through the existential struggle between independence and safety and how that manifests in the Cheerio/Goldfish set. She's very non-judgmental, and rarely offers true advice - which was actually kind of refreshing compared to all of modern social media's "do this/not that" advice. (Published in 1993, this felt dated in places... but otherwise timeless.)

I was able to map some of her ideas to my own toddler and it opened my eyes to some ways I can better support her by stepping back.

[Edgar · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a great guide through the rough terrain of toddlerhood, when a child is exposed to stimuli for the first time and is ill-equipped (naturally) to make sense of those forces (internal and external) that are affecting the child - e.g. other people, new environments, physical and psychological growth, etc. - so that caregivers can be aware and sensitive to the child’s reactions - positive or negative. Early childhood development is so important - and this book helps with that. Can’t recommend this book enough.

[Alice · Rating 2 out of 5]

Hasn’t aged as well as, for example, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. Even the 2017 edition carries over some odd assumptions about gender from the 90s (professional caregivers are all female; dads do “fun” parenting tasks and mums take care of everything else; etc.). I was also surprised at how often the author brought up toddlers being obsessed with their genitals? It’s not something I’ve ever noticed. To me, toddlers seem more interested in picking their noses, but perhaps that’s not Freudian enough an observation for a pop-psychology book.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ehh. I guess I'm looking for a magic bullet that doesn't exist, but this left me wanting more. I wish there were more helpful tips and realistic examples. The examples used were a bit cringe-worthy and not believable at all.

The positives? I have come away from reading this with more compassion for my toddler's wide spectrum of emotions and fears and with the intention to be more communicative and reassuring.

[Jorge Gaete · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent

Excellent book with thoughtful insights about the emotional life of toddlers. It gives a wide perceptive and scientific-based knowledge on toddlers’ development and on different needs and challenges parents may face. It also provides practical recommendations on how to built a good relationships between parents and children, and the criteria to find good quality daycare when needed.

[Marilyn]

Lieberman doesn’t mention breastfeeding once in her Table of Contents or Index.

Yet she does say that toddlers should self-soothe and sleep alone at night. How exactly doors a toddler self-soothe? They can’t listen and follow directions. They’re distraught. Why is she so afraid to talk about physically comforting a toddler?

Hopefully she’s done some sympathic research since 1993 and has written a more realistic book.

[Clara 🦢 · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have massive baby fever so I forced myself to read this book to face how much work it would actually be, but instead the author was so sweet and loving-grandma about it that I was like awww I DO want to do all that work!! I AM mentally prepared!! I WILL make the little human feel safe to explore!! So if you have baby fever, don’t read this book right now. I now want 4 kids instead of 2. I did learn a lot though <3. Very well written and all that. Xoxo

[K.C. Dreisbach · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this book was a wonderful for parents of toddlers. It was a little long, but filled with good information that parents may want to know. There were a few, general areas of the book that I, as a therapist and mother, was not in agreement with, but overall, I would absolutely recommend to my clients or other parents.

[Margaret · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a solid, science-based book about toddler emotions. Most of it seems like common sense to me, but then, I've been around and worked with toddlers for a long time. My own toddler seems like she takes a little bit from every single temperament type, ha! This could stand to be more inclusive, thought the updated version did try.

[Charlotte · Rating 4 out of 5]

From a developmental perspective, this book was excellent. I appreciated the little anecdotes that really got you in the mind of the child.

This book was updated in 2017, which I appreciate, but the gender stuff was still pretty pervasive and behind the times. I knocked off a star for that. Hopefully it'll get updated again...

[Brandee · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good useful content and additional context around how toddlers view the world. However, presented some information in a way that seems like scare tactics and adding to parental guilt especially around things like travel, childcare accommodations and just general ability to ‘always’ interpret a relatively non-verbal child’s fears and address them.