(WARNING, REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SOME SPOILERS-as if you f***ing care)
Ok, so after seeing what an atrocity Attack of the Jack-O-Lanterns was, I decided to revisit a bunch of randomly selected Goosebumps book that are collecting dust on my shelf. Anyway, on to the review.
I think a part of me died after reading this. This might just be the worst piece of trash book I’ve ever had the displeasure of reading. I know that puts it up against competition like Attack of the Jack-O-Lanterns and Leaving Fishers, but trust me. This is on a whole other level. Because there is something wrong with every. Single. Chapter. So, without further ado, let’s dive into this hellhole. I’m not going to go over every single aspect. If you want to know so much about it so badly, go waste your money and buy it yourself.
CHAPTER 1: Lots of telling instead of showing. Since this happens quite often I’ll just put TIOS to tell you. We get introduced to our “relatable” main character and as a cheap use of foreshadowing, he adores jungles. I guess that way the author's job is easier and he can make the deadline in time. Our protagonist's name from here on out will be Obnoxious Idiot. You’ll see why. Also, he reveals his “Jungle Cry” in this chapter. Yes, a “Jungle Cry” is just as stupid as it sounds. His cry his this: “Ka-Lee-Ah”. ಠ_ಠ. Seriously?
CHAPTER 2: His Aunt’s close explorer friend (or something like that I don’t f***ing care) brings Obnoxious a present-which is a shrunken head. He is so in love with it he seems ready to bang it, honestly. Apparently his aunt is busy doing busy things but she is soon interrupted by Obnoxious’s sister who (gasp) takes his precious shrunken head. Then there is one of the many, many, many, many, many, many fake scares in the book and it’s so, SO obvious.
CHAPTER 3: TIOS. Another fake scare that made me want to drink the Windex in the laundry room. Thing is, the implied scariness (AND BY ‘IMPLIED’ I MEAN THEY SCREAM IN YOUR FACE “BE SCARED PLEASE. PLEASE BE SCARED BY THIS STUPID THING THAT IS SO OBVIOUSLY NOT SCARY”) is completely unneeded and does nothing to move the plot forward or advance ANYTHING. You could have taken out all of that implied scariness and NOTHING would be lost.
CHAPTER 4: Obnoxious and his sister argue about whether girls think shrunken heads are cool or some shit. YAWN. Also, a real scare that leads to stupidness.
CHAPTER 5: So, the scare happens while Obnoxious is in bed. His first reaction is to scream out a 15 second “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.” I don’t know about you but that is most DEFINITELY how a normal prepubescent would react. Warning-sarcasm reaching dangerous levels. Immediately after that sentence it says he “wailed”. You know, as in, a sound kind of wail. But he said an actual word...so, yeah. And then on the same exact PAGE he lets out the same EXACT “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.” Why? Because in his terror he falls out of bed and gets tangled in the covers. I probably would’ve burst out laughing at that if it didn't make me want to jump off a cliff. After alerting his parents, he comes back to the room only to find the shrunken head gone.
CHAPTER 6: Turns out his sister took it off his shelf. THEY SPEND 2 AND A ¼ PAGES ON THIS SINGLE FACT. F*** ME. Then, more stupid, obvious foreshadowing.
CHAPTER 7 (Where only on 7? UGH): TIOS. Big surprise: His Aunt’s friend is taking him on a trip to the jungle his Aunt is exploring. Surprising because the blurb mentions nothing about this. Even though the story takes place in the jungle for literally 72.4137931% of the book. Also, why does it say he has a ‘dangerous power’ in the blurb? All we see it do is save Obnoxious’s ass a couple times. Also, another fake scare that does nothing to advance the plot and is completely meaningless.
CHAPTER 8: We get introduced to 2 more cliches: a girl who is Obnoxious’s age-conveniently-she will shall be called Obvious McTwist, and another adult who we will call Doesnothing Mac Probablyachildmolester. The aforementioned adult tells Obnoxious that he has a dark, destructive power of epic proportions. Surely such a power as a mysterious, foreboding name to match it’s own power, right? It’s called “Jungle Magic”. (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ. AND THEY SAY IT WITH A SERIOUS, STRAIGHT FACE. AS IF IT ISN’T THE MOST UNINSPIRED, STUPID NAME GIVEN TO ANYTHING IN THE HISTORY OF ANYTHING EVER. OF ANYTHING EVER!!!!
CHAPTER 9: So, Obnoxious Idiot certainly lives up to his last name in this chapter. First, he asks to himself if “Jungle Magic” is a video game.ಠ_ಠ. Then all of the characters take a product placement break. Next is quite a facepalm worthy page or two. So, after hearing he has “Jungle MAGIC”, Obnoxious asks if his aunt gave him “some kind of magic”. THEN, LITERALLY ON THE SAME PAGE, AFTER RESTATING HE HAS JUNGLE MAGIC HE ASKS THIS: “You’re telling me I have some special kind of magic powers?” (┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻. WELL NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. They literally say the word “magic” 12 times in this one chapter. 7 times in the last 1 ½ pages. If you couldn’t tell by my just, just, joyous and eccentric tone, IT GETS A LITTLE ANNOYING.
CHAPTER 10 (and beginning of 11, kinda): TIOS. FILLER, FILLER, AND A BIT MORE FILLER. ANOTHER SCARE THAT ISN'T SCARY BECAUSE WE KNOW WHY IT IS HAPPENING BUT OBNOXIOUS DOESN’T SO IT’S A BIT FRUSTRATING.
CHAPTER 11 (help me): Fake scare because it sets it up like a scare but it’s incredibly predictable and also, you know……………...NOT SCARY, KIND OF LIKE THIS ENTIRE SHITSTORM THAT MAKES ME ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED BEYOND ANY REASONABLE MEASURE.
CHAPTER 12: He finds out Doesnothing and Aunt friend person are plotting to steal his magic and use it for evil. What a surprise. What. A. F***ing. Surprise. I most certainly didn’t see it coming from 40 trillion kilometers away. FAKE SCARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHAPTER 13: OH NO! That girl we definitely still remember (who the f*** am I kidding, who is she?) stops him from walking out the door. Like, she was just, you know, standing there. Waiting for him to come out. She’s obviously a stalker. And guess what else? YOU GUESSED IT. FAKE F***ING SCARE.
CHAPTER 14: TIOS. Filler that has no point and doesn’t advance the plot in any way. Moving on.
CHAPTER 15: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. UUUUUHHHHHHHH….. Literally the first thing that happens is he hears an animal and he thinks the most cringey, stupid thing that only a 40 year old man would think a kid would think in this situation. So after hearing this sound-which, by the way, is incredibly comical-he says this-”Not a giant rabbit. It sounded really BIG.” I’m not kidding, he all-capsed that last word. It was PATHETIC. He has a stupid dream that isn’t scary. It takes up a whole page of the chapter and is pointless, meaningless filler that has no purpose and doesn’t advance the plot in any way. Are you beginning to notice a pattern?
CHAPTER 16: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.
UUUGGHHHH!!!!!
So, you’re not going to believe this. In this chapter, they reveal that his stupid jungle cry from earlier is the “Magic Word” that activates his “Jungle Magic”. And he uses it to get ants off of him.
Just-
Just-
JUST-
AGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
CHAPTER 17-19: TIOS. TIOS everywhere. He gets stuck in some quicksand and spends at least 5 pages trying to get out of it before finally using the “Jungle Magic” to save his pathetic ass. The entire 3 chapters-3 whole entire F***ING CHAPTERS- spent on this single scene serves no purpose and is pointless filler that does nothing to advance the story in any way, shape, or form.
CHAPTER 20: Obnoxious angers a tiger. He tries to talk to the tiger and tell it that he isn’t trying to hurt his cubs. I’m not kidding, he says it in plain english. Hey, imbecile, tigers don’t understand english, you feeble-minded thick numbskull. So, he uses his jungle magic and the book makes it seem like it doomed him when we all know it saved his behind once again. So, basically, (TAKES HUGE BREATH)
FAKE SCARE.
CHAPTER 21: He tries to use his jungle magic AGAIN in order to get him out of yet another situation. But before he can, a mysterious figure appears. I WONDER WHO IT IS.
CHAPTER 22: Yep, it’s Obvious McTwist. Why is she here? Well, you see, she was worried about Obnoxious, so she followed him without alerting him of his presence for ¾ of the time she followed him and picked now to show herself. And do you know what her first question is? It’s “What are you doing down there?”
WHAT?????!!!
YOU WERE THE ONE WHO HELPED HIM ESCAPE, YOU THICK, STUPID, IDIOTIC, NUMB SKULLED, FEEBLE-MINDED, IMBECILE.
CHAPTER 23: All he thinks about for the first page is that stupid game from the beginning that has absolutely no significance on anything at all. He tells Obvious that her father is evil, but she’s not into that, so, yeah. Then they hear a human cough. I WONDER WHO IT COULD BE.
CHAPTER 24: TURNS OUT IT’S OBNOXIOUS’S AUNT. SHE GIVES A BUNCH OF EXPOSITION, WHICH IS WHY I WILL BE CALLING HER FROM HERE ON OUT: AUNT TIOS.
CHAPTER 25 and 26: Sorry, I had the caps lock on for that last chapter description. Now we get the obvious twist you saw coming since the first chapter that we met her on-turns out Obvious is, like, evil too. And she was only following him so that they could use him to find aunt TIOS. Who has the secret to “Jungle Magic”. But they could have just gotten the secret from Obnoxious so…yeah. Obvious is about to reveal the word but before she can get it out Obnoxious clamps his hand over her mouth and aunt TIOS tries to escape. They spend pages on this scene that ends in their failure and it has no point and is completely meaningless filler. If that seems needlessly convoluted to you, then you'd be right. STUPID FORESHADOWING IS STUPID.
CHAPTER 27: They all eventually get back to the HQs and the evil guys threaten to-get this-shrink their heads if they don't tell then the magic word. But, Obvious already knows it, so why aren’t they just asking her? What is happening?!
CHAPTER 28 and 29(UUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH): He’s about to use the magic head to save themselves again but oh no! His head gets hit into the pile of other shrunken heads that’s conveniently off to the side. He eventually finds it and uses the power to save them once and for all.
THE END.
That was, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so….AWFUL.
I am now going to go revel in my own shame and self-loathing for a while.
If I sound uninterested it is only because I am truly, TRULY defeated.
It take quite a huge level of bumbling incompetence and ineptitude to drain my soul at such an alarmingly quick rate.
This pile of feces not only has no point and is completely meaningless with no value or merit that would actually impact anything at all, but also is stupid.
SO, SO STUPID.
And I’m giving this one a negative 12 quadrillion/10 and a negative 6 trillion/5.
One final note: If I had to sum up this book in one word it would be this (TAKES LARGE BREATH):
AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJSHGUEYWGUEWYBUYWEGIUYWEUYVTEWOUFHCLFUYVLCULVFBADJFVYACFBJDBGBGHBGCBGKFXBGGXVBETGAFCKFAVTVTAELRVCVTKUYVDHGFHDGFJSHGFDJKAVGCFCKAUYFTRGYVKGJHFCSCDJHFGJSHCVQFKYQUVTKUWYERVJKWHEGKUYFERKTYDFWCGVWLDSDUWCWVHDSGVJCSHGDJSHGVJDSCHGVCCDJGAVJDQSVJGVJGJhVEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGHHHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHEAGEHGAHEGAHGEHAGHEGAHAGHEGHGJCAEFKVGKFJGKJDGFJSGJYGJCGFJHGFJHGSDJHFGMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMHGMJDFGHBJCHFGJHFGJHSDHJVFJCHGFHGGJDCFGHHDFGJTEHYGFEUYYJEURYIUEROTIWURYBEFBCCNXMNHCVCBNBBERUBKWEYCRKVTKYEKUWERYTVKYBUGYRGBHGHHERGUBABLURB.
I'M ENDING THIS REVIEW KNOW. GOOD BYE.