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Aspergers in Love
Asperger syndrome (AS) has often been considered to be incompatible with love and relationships, but as the number of people who are diagnosed with the disorder increases, it is becoming apparent that people with AS can and do have full and intimate relationships. Comparing and contrasting both AS and non-AS partners' viewpoints, this book frankly examines the fundamental aspects of relationships that are often complicated by the disorder. With all findings illustrated with case examples taken from interviews conducted with couples, the author tackles issues such as attraction, trust, communication, sex and intimacy, and parenting. Drawing on her extensive research and established career as a Relate counsellor, Maxine Aston has produced a much-needed analysis of intimate relationships where one adult has AS and this book is a must for all those with AS and their partners, as well as for friends, family and counsellors.
240 pages, Paperback
First published March 14, 2003
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
October 2, 2008
Maxine Aston is a controversial figure in the Aspie community. She is infamous online for having invented "Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder," from which she claims romantic partners of Aspies routinely suffer. On her website she tends to blame the Aspie partner for whatever problems the relationship may have, and say that the Aspie partner must change in order to save the relationship.
This book, given that background information, is surprisingly even-handed. She profiles couples she's seen in her counseling practice, and explains common sources of conflict from both an Aspie and neurotypical perspective, highlighting areas of miscommunication without blaming either party, for the most part. One red flag that does appear occasionally is that she is prone to stating baldly (without citations, IIRC) that Aspies, especially Aspie women, are at a huge risk for abusing their partners. Now, I read a lot of autism literature and I've never heard that claim anywhere else, much less seen it verified.
Overall, this book does a good job of showing how miscommunication happens in relationships, and what you can do to avoid it, and generally keeps the scaremongering to a minimum.
This book, given that background information, is surprisingly even-handed. She profiles couples she's seen in her counseling practice, and explains common sources of conflict from both an Aspie and neurotypical perspective, highlighting areas of miscommunication without blaming either party, for the most part. One red flag that does appear occasionally is that she is prone to stating baldly (without citations, IIRC) that Aspies, especially Aspie women, are at a huge risk for abusing their partners. Now, I read a lot of autism literature and I've never heard that claim anywhere else, much less seen it verified.
Overall, this book does a good job of showing how miscommunication happens in relationships, and what you can do to avoid it, and generally keeps the scaremongering to a minimum.
September 8, 2013
I first decided to read Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs by English couples counselor Maxine Aston when it was recommended in perhaps the seminal clinical work on Asperger's Syndrome, Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome. Having experienced a divorce, in part as a result of my (then-undiagnosed) Asperger's, and having had few other real relationships, I was curious as to how my Asperger's played out in the specific realm of the romantic. Aston's work, first published in 2003, was a revelation.
The more I read about Asperger's, the more "normal" I actually feel, if only because I feel ever less alone with everything I read. I felt less alone in my difficulty in romantic relationships due to Aspergers in Love as well. There is something very comforting in knowing that countless other adults with Asperger's—most of whom, at least the males, have chosen neurotypical partners—have struggled and continue to struggle with couple relationships and all that goes along with them. Most reassuring, as Aston builds to by the end of her book, is that despite their trials, tribulations, and real limitations on communication and behavior, many couples in which one partner has Asperger's ultimately persevere and succeed.
One flaw with Aspergers in Love—which is why I gave it only four stars as opposed to five—is that, having been published in 2003, a full ten years before I read it, Aspergers in Love all but takes for granted that the diagnosis is less understood, has less social support, and is just plain less ubiquitous than it is in late 2013. Where the behavior of many couples described by Aston is far more egregious than mine ever was, Asperger's is more prominent now, and where far fewer couples had the benefit of a counselor with specific expertise in Asperger's in 2003, that is not the case in 2013; I even know several couples personally who have persevered in the face of Asperger's. That being said, I was diagnosed well after my divorce was finalized, and without the benefit of a couples counselor trained to recognize Asperger's (even if the relationship is better off no longer), so maybe Aston has a point when she emphasizes the need for mutual understanding.
Ultimately, volumes like Aspergers in Love function primarily as self-help books of one sort or another, and Aspergers in Love is, well, no different. Perhaps its best aspect is its offering of lessons in how to compensate for the difficulties in communication and empathy that Asperger's causes between life partners. In that sense, Aspergers in Love truly showed me how not to repeat the same mistakes I made in past relationships in my future relationships, and how to be a better father to my daughter. Aspergers in Love gave me the confidence that I can have a long-lasting, successful, fun relationship with the right woman—and what better praise can I offer Aston and her book than that?
The more I read about Asperger's, the more "normal" I actually feel, if only because I feel ever less alone with everything I read. I felt less alone in my difficulty in romantic relationships due to Aspergers in Love as well. There is something very comforting in knowing that countless other adults with Asperger's—most of whom, at least the males, have chosen neurotypical partners—have struggled and continue to struggle with couple relationships and all that goes along with them. Most reassuring, as Aston builds to by the end of her book, is that despite their trials, tribulations, and real limitations on communication and behavior, many couples in which one partner has Asperger's ultimately persevere and succeed.
One flaw with Aspergers in Love—which is why I gave it only four stars as opposed to five—is that, having been published in 2003, a full ten years before I read it, Aspergers in Love all but takes for granted that the diagnosis is less understood, has less social support, and is just plain less ubiquitous than it is in late 2013. Where the behavior of many couples described by Aston is far more egregious than mine ever was, Asperger's is more prominent now, and where far fewer couples had the benefit of a counselor with specific expertise in Asperger's in 2003, that is not the case in 2013; I even know several couples personally who have persevered in the face of Asperger's. That being said, I was diagnosed well after my divorce was finalized, and without the benefit of a couples counselor trained to recognize Asperger's (even if the relationship is better off no longer), so maybe Aston has a point when she emphasizes the need for mutual understanding.
Ultimately, volumes like Aspergers in Love function primarily as self-help books of one sort or another, and Aspergers in Love is, well, no different. Perhaps its best aspect is its offering of lessons in how to compensate for the difficulties in communication and empathy that Asperger's causes between life partners. In that sense, Aspergers in Love truly showed me how not to repeat the same mistakes I made in past relationships in my future relationships, and how to be a better father to my daughter. Aspergers in Love gave me the confidence that I can have a long-lasting, successful, fun relationship with the right woman—and what better praise can I offer Aston and her book than that?
April 10, 2013
I became interested in this book after a friend of mine was explaining the research she'd done in trying to understand the problems her teenaged son was having. (Aspergers was the first diagnosis that made any sense, in his case.) After telling her husband about the book he eventually picked it up himself, and then came to her later with an astonishing revelation: “I think you found me.” -- As it turned out, many of the difficulties and misunderstandings in their marriage had been a result of the variances in perception between an Aspergian and what this book refers to as a “Neuro-Typical” spouse.
The author goes into considerable detail regarding the three core areas of difficulty for someone with Asperger syndrome (AS): communication, social relationships, and imagination. Her survey group is somewhat small--which is understandable given the time period in which it was written. And there is somewhat of an under-representation of females with AS (Though that also is understandable, as the overwhelming majority of those affected are male.)
She establishes that AS individuals suffer from a distinct neurological impairment, rather than an utter lack of empathy or even a mental illness. It is a developmental disorder that shows up on brain scans—and it results in a different way of thinking (not unlike dyslexia, but in a social sense). “Incentive and motivation play a huge part in whether AS adults will interact with another human being or not. ...It is not about making the other person feel OK, welcomed or relevant because the AS adult does not perceive his or her feelings in this.”
It becomes clear that, if a counselor is not aware of the effects of AS, they may cause more harm than good in trying to assist a distressed marriage in which one or both people have Aspergers. I wasn't aware of the destructiveness in cases where the AS individual denies their diagnosis and externalizes their problems onto others—namely, their spouse. The rates of verbal and physical abuse in her studies are nothing short of alarming.
The book does a good job of painting a wide range of scenarios—familiarizing readers with the perspective and thought processes of someone affected by AS. I feel like it could go a long way toward garnering understanding in a society where people otherwise expect disabilities to be easily detected by the naked eye. In this reader's mind, a social handicap is no less valid than a physical inability. AS individuals may regularly suffer from confusion, isolation, and depression caused by their inadvertent self-sabotage.
My greatest complaint would be that the author doesn't offer many suggestions for those seeking to help someone with AS better adapt to social situations and expectations. (But she does reference several books and organizations that I plan to look into.) It isn't unreasonable to assume that one must first understand and be able to identify a problem before one can begin to address it. And so, I would call this more of a foundational book with concepts the reader must make a continued effort to build upon.
*It may also be worth mentioning that the author of this book is British, and so some of her quoting of patients may pose some unfamiliar words and phrasing to those unfamiliar with the vernacular. Though, I didn't personally find it distracting.
The author goes into considerable detail regarding the three core areas of difficulty for someone with Asperger syndrome (AS): communication, social relationships, and imagination. Her survey group is somewhat small--which is understandable given the time period in which it was written. And there is somewhat of an under-representation of females with AS (Though that also is understandable, as the overwhelming majority of those affected are male.)
She establishes that AS individuals suffer from a distinct neurological impairment, rather than an utter lack of empathy or even a mental illness. It is a developmental disorder that shows up on brain scans—and it results in a different way of thinking (not unlike dyslexia, but in a social sense). “Incentive and motivation play a huge part in whether AS adults will interact with another human being or not. ...It is not about making the other person feel OK, welcomed or relevant because the AS adult does not perceive his or her feelings in this.”
It becomes clear that, if a counselor is not aware of the effects of AS, they may cause more harm than good in trying to assist a distressed marriage in which one or both people have Aspergers. I wasn't aware of the destructiveness in cases where the AS individual denies their diagnosis and externalizes their problems onto others—namely, their spouse. The rates of verbal and physical abuse in her studies are nothing short of alarming.
The book does a good job of painting a wide range of scenarios—familiarizing readers with the perspective and thought processes of someone affected by AS. I feel like it could go a long way toward garnering understanding in a society where people otherwise expect disabilities to be easily detected by the naked eye. In this reader's mind, a social handicap is no less valid than a physical inability. AS individuals may regularly suffer from confusion, isolation, and depression caused by their inadvertent self-sabotage.
My greatest complaint would be that the author doesn't offer many suggestions for those seeking to help someone with AS better adapt to social situations and expectations. (But she does reference several books and organizations that I plan to look into.) It isn't unreasonable to assume that one must first understand and be able to identify a problem before one can begin to address it. And so, I would call this more of a foundational book with concepts the reader must make a continued effort to build upon.
*It may also be worth mentioning that the author of this book is British, and so some of her quoting of patients may pose some unfamiliar words and phrasing to those unfamiliar with the vernacular. Though, I didn't personally find it distracting.
August 21, 2013
Could be useful for AS/NT relationships, especially between an AS male and NT female, though it's not overly sympathetic towards the AS partner. Puts most of the responsibility for accommodation onto the NT partner, however, which seems a little outdated these days. Didn't find it particularly useful for my AS/AS marriage.
March 24, 2013
A follow-up to the book "The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome", this book goes more in depth with the researcher's subjects with anecdotes, etc.
Still not a fan of her approach to empathy and theory of mind (which is that AS aren't empathic, when really those with ASDs process it differently). The research and anecdotes on women with Asperger Syndrome also feels a bit light - that only a few participants became the generalization.
If you are looking for more on women with AS, I'd recommend looking into Rudy Simone's books instead.
Still not a fan of her approach to empathy and theory of mind (which is that AS aren't empathic, when really those with ASDs process it differently). The research and anecdotes on women with Asperger Syndrome also feels a bit light - that only a few participants became the generalization.
If you are looking for more on women with AS, I'd recommend looking into Rudy Simone's books instead.
November 27, 2010
This is taken from the view of the person w/ AS & I did not find it as helpful. I found it a bit speculative in many cases, where the author made some broad generalizations that I don't feel were appropriate or accurate. I also feel like the number of persons interviewed were very minimal to actually write a book. I wonder on the accuracy of the content here. I found it varied from other relationship books & articles I have read, and not as helpful, IMO.
March 29, 2018
The author knows everything there is to know about relationships between NT and AS partners as becomes obvious after a couple of chapters into Aspergers in Love. I found the book depressing as it gives numerous examples on what goes wrong in these mixed relationships and little if anything about how to improve them.
March 2, 2020
While Aspergers in Love provides some insight into how autistic people think when it comes to love and being in a relationship, it is ultimately dogged by the gender bias that plagues the wider realm of research into autism.
It is based upon the study of 41 people with Aspergers in a relationship - only 6 are female, and of these 6, all of them are in a relationship with autistic partners. This gender bias continues with each chapter, which is based on a particular aspect of romance and relationships such as interests or infidelity. These chapters go into detail about how a man with Aspergers thinks or behaves, with a much smaller section devoted to how a woman with Aspergers thinks or behaves, and even then, this section usually states something like "AS women feel very similarly to AS men". Aston justifies this by stating "it made this book more straightforward and easier to comprehend if the AS adult was presumed to be male." which is incredibly disappointing. Aston writes off an incredibly marginalised subgroup because she cannot be bothered to format her book to represent the genders equally, nor did she make an effort to find more female subjects for her research.
The chapters deliver more of an overview than a deep dive into the topic at hand. While it's somewhat useful to understand general tendencies of AS men, I found myself protesting in my mind when I read certain things - my firsthand experience with people who have Asperger's has given me enough knowledge to understand that they are all individual (shockingly, just like neurotypical people) and are not all alike when it comes to their thoughts and behaviour. Once again, it is a result of the rocky foundation upon which this book was built. Some neuroscience-based studies are referenced from time to time, which is useful for understanding why people with Aspergers may respond in a certain way to certain situations. Anecdotes are also provided to illustrate certain concepts in some chapters, but many do not seem to be very realistic or truthful.
Overall, the topic of AS individuals in relationships is one that is of great interest and importance, but its execution leaves a lot to be desired.
It is based upon the study of 41 people with Aspergers in a relationship - only 6 are female, and of these 6, all of them are in a relationship with autistic partners. This gender bias continues with each chapter, which is based on a particular aspect of romance and relationships such as interests or infidelity. These chapters go into detail about how a man with Aspergers thinks or behaves, with a much smaller section devoted to how a woman with Aspergers thinks or behaves, and even then, this section usually states something like "AS women feel very similarly to AS men". Aston justifies this by stating "it made this book more straightforward and easier to comprehend if the AS adult was presumed to be male." which is incredibly disappointing. Aston writes off an incredibly marginalised subgroup because she cannot be bothered to format her book to represent the genders equally, nor did she make an effort to find more female subjects for her research.
The chapters deliver more of an overview than a deep dive into the topic at hand. While it's somewhat useful to understand general tendencies of AS men, I found myself protesting in my mind when I read certain things - my firsthand experience with people who have Asperger's has given me enough knowledge to understand that they are all individual (shockingly, just like neurotypical people) and are not all alike when it comes to their thoughts and behaviour. Once again, it is a result of the rocky foundation upon which this book was built. Some neuroscience-based studies are referenced from time to time, which is useful for understanding why people with Aspergers may respond in a certain way to certain situations. Anecdotes are also provided to illustrate certain concepts in some chapters, but many do not seem to be very realistic or truthful.
Overall, the topic of AS individuals in relationships is one that is of great interest and importance, but its execution leaves a lot to be desired.
July 14, 2013
I am not in an Aspergers couple, but picked out this book as there are people in my wider family circle who - almost certainly - have Aspergers. So I wanted to find out more about why communication seems to be such hard work.
This book did shed a lot of light on the subject. It was also useful to be reminded of Aspies' real need for relationships. (To somebody who is neuro-typical they can seem wrapped up in themselves and indifferent to others.)
It was also useful to be reminded of how hard people with this syndrome may struggle with communication. Perhaps it is unsurprising that they are likely to feel either angry or depressed if those round them express frustration.
I enjoyed a lot of the anecdotes/case histories. Despite the fact that a lot the relationships described were not happy ones, there was a sort of noir humour to be gained from reading about the mishaps and misunderstandings that all too frequently arise.
I was also oddly comforted by the author's assertion that AS people don't 'do' empathy. I understand that this point is a controversial one. However given that I have felt years feeling angry, outraged and upset at never getting empathic responses, the idea that empathy simply never was an option does simplify matters.
I felt that the author didn't focus at all on 'family affairs' which seemed a major omission - given that so many AS men (and their partners) do want an outwardly 'normal' family life. I also felt that the bullet point summaries at the ends of the chapters weren't terribly helpful. This is partly because the author was generalising from a relatively small sample of couples. Also there were times when the 'conclusions' seemed to contradict each other and/or did not appear to correspond with what had been said in the preceding pages.
This book did shed a lot of light on the subject. It was also useful to be reminded of Aspies' real need for relationships. (To somebody who is neuro-typical they can seem wrapped up in themselves and indifferent to others.)
It was also useful to be reminded of how hard people with this syndrome may struggle with communication. Perhaps it is unsurprising that they are likely to feel either angry or depressed if those round them express frustration.
I enjoyed a lot of the anecdotes/case histories. Despite the fact that a lot the relationships described were not happy ones, there was a sort of noir humour to be gained from reading about the mishaps and misunderstandings that all too frequently arise.
I was also oddly comforted by the author's assertion that AS people don't 'do' empathy. I understand that this point is a controversial one. However given that I have felt years feeling angry, outraged and upset at never getting empathic responses, the idea that empathy simply never was an option does simplify matters.
I felt that the author didn't focus at all on 'family affairs' which seemed a major omission - given that so many AS men (and their partners) do want an outwardly 'normal' family life. I also felt that the bullet point summaries at the ends of the chapters weren't terribly helpful. This is partly because the author was generalising from a relatively small sample of couples. Also there were times when the 'conclusions' seemed to contradict each other and/or did not appear to correspond with what had been said in the preceding pages.
October 22, 2020
I really did not enjoy this book. It was not helpful. It paints people with Aspergers in a very negative light: the book seems heavily opinion-based and gives many negative examples of how terrible Asperger's partners can be. While it alludes to some positives, none are directly mentioned or highlighted in the same, almost obsessive way that the negatives are covered. What's more, there is trouble (at least for me) with the data collection sample size, particularly the women, which hardly seemed worth including, since there seem to be about 4 of them [edit: I see in another review, the number appears to be "6"] that the author is basing her summary opinions based on observations on. In addition to that, the writing becomes extremely repetitive in short order. Asperger's people like routine and are bad socially seems to sum up approximately 50% of the book's content, phrased and rephrased this way and that. The worst part is I am really not certain that the men in the book have Asperger's necessarily, or really if they do, they are also just seemingly horrible people. If you are looking for reasons to cut off contact with the person in your life who has Asperger's, however, this is the book that might just drive you to it.
Read
January 17, 2023This book was so fascinating! It definitely unlocked a lot in my brain and made memories I had of someone suspected of ASD start to make a lot more sense. I feel like when reading this book one needs to keep in mind that it was literally written 20 years ago, so some things will of course be a little outdated (such as saying ASD's don’t have empathy, when we know now that they have plenty of affective empathy, but lack cognitive empathy). Research into Autism Spectrum Disorder has grown exponentially since it was published, which isn’t the author’s fault! And she has followed up with more books to update the discrepancies. This book does have very limited info on women with ASD, but the author makes note of this several times that info on women had to be taken with a grain of salt, and is limited due to women being extremely under-diagnosed. Women are still under-diagnosed even now, even with all of the strides in research we've made since. So I can imagine how much harder it had to be to find women to research even back then! Regardless, this book is a very good and informative read, especially if you're trying to understand men with ASD. I would probably recommend a more recently published book if you're trying to find information on women with ASD.
October 4, 2017
Forty-one people with Aspergers and thirty-five of their partners were either interviewed by Aston or completed her questionnaire. This book is her report. Fair enough.
She's no great stylist but it's arranged in clear, short chapters with bullet point summaries at the ends. The problem with the book is Aston's commentary on the responses which is shallow and often consists of press releases from the Department of the Bleeding Obvious.
She's no great stylist but it's arranged in clear, short chapters with bullet point summaries at the ends. The problem with the book is Aston's commentary on the responses which is shallow and often consists of press releases from the Department of the Bleeding Obvious.
January 18, 2018
While Aston addresses some important relationship issues in her book, I feel like the set-up (which was basically just drawn-out survey results and anecdotes) did not make for the most useful resource. Some of the research referred to felt outdated (which is fair enough since the book is 15 years old). There were a few useful points though, and I appreciated the "key points" section at the end of each chapter.
October 11, 2019
Thought provoking
My husband hasn’t been diagnosed with AS but reading this book highlights the behaviours we both have in our relationship. I can now understand how I need to approach and deal with situations, the need for routine amongst other things and respect my husband’s prospective of life and how I can make our relationship better.
My husband hasn’t been diagnosed with AS but reading this book highlights the behaviours we both have in our relationship. I can now understand how I need to approach and deal with situations, the need for routine amongst other things and respect my husband’s prospective of life and how I can make our relationship better.
November 27, 2025
A friend recommended this book to me after I commented that I felt like I might have Aspergers. The good news is that it appears that I do not have Aspergers. The bad news is that British slang seems to be slipping into my vocabulary every time I read something written by someone in the United Kingdom. Well, some people might find it bad.
Read
August 2, 2024This book quickly became a very difficult read, it is more suitable for doctors and academics than for ordinary people as it is heavily focused on the challenges that autistic people face as couples in a way that makes for depressive reading. I quickly started skipping sections.
December 4, 2017
Gained much information from this book. It was like a road map for me! Totally recommend for any non-Asperger's woman in a relationship with an Asperger's Syndrome man.
Want to read
March 11, 2013On page 153. Need to finish.
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