Love Life for Every Married Couple: How to Fall in Love, Stay in Love, Rekindle Your Love

by Ed Wheat, Gloria Okes Perkins

Physician Ed Wheat has helped thousands of couples improve their love lives and build happier marriages. In Love Life for Every Married Couple he'll help you improve your marriage through sharing, touching, appreciating, and focusing healing attention on your mate.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Christian, Relationships, Counselling, Self Help, Family

Paperback

First published October 7, 1980

Reviews

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not sure why this book caught my attention among all the other delicious things on the church library shelf. After all, I think Jeremy and I have a pretty good marriage. This book confirmed that for me, but it also reminded me that there are still things that I can and should do to be an even better wife. It also gave me a lot of good insight into how to help others whose marriages might not be so great. If you know anyone who is fighting to save his or her marriage, this is the book she/he needs to read! It's encouraging, practical, and yet it isn't afraid to tell the truth. It also is a good read for people like me who want to make sure their marriages stay strong. I highly recommend it.

[Paige Cuthbertson| Turning_Every_Paige · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pleasantly surprised by this book. I was expecting some hokey 1950s portrayal of marriage, a complete absence of women’s sexuality, and an emphasis of how the man has a “need” that the wife doesn’t and won’t understand.

This was not that. 🙌🏽

While the writing was certainly dry throughout and repetitive now and then, it was actually a very practical guide to marriage. Sexuality was not even the emphasis (although it was still dealt with, and in a decently balanced way)! Building a relationship that is safe, loving, fun, friendly, and Christ-centered was the theme and it was actually articulated quite well. I underlined more than I thought I would, and I am sure I will even refer to it again more than once for practical ideas on how to foster every type of love in my marriage.

Minus a star because it was definitely dry, and because I felt the inclusion of the entire book of Song of Solomon and the dramatic-and-lengthy retelling of Hosea were unnecessary.

[Christine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a tool that God used to guide me through the heartache and restoration of my marriage. In the mists of a divorce, another woman, and the emotional fallout that is brought on by life's tragedies, my hope of recovery was slim and his was gone. Alone, without my spouse, I applied this books easy to follow instructions and dug in. I say "easy" in that the book is very clearly written, but in no way was the "applying" easy. Although it was the hardest 2 years of my life, the outcome could not have been more rewarding! Life has no guarantees, but regardless of the outcome, I wanted to know that I stayed as true to God's expressed will as possible in the middle of it all. I really had no idea that my spouse and I would fall in love again. God's kind of unconditional Love is powerful! I would highly recommend this book!

[Ineta Lopez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great source of wisdom. Love is so much a choice and action. This book provides excellent practical guidance on that.

[Erica · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received this book as a wedding gift from a friend. The best chapters are the ones written on the five loves and how they look practically within a marriage. The chapters that covered those areas reminded me of The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman combined together. Chapters 5 - 11 in this book are the chapters I enjoyed most. Other parts of the book I did not fully agree with. I would have liked to see more emphasis on the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit and God's grace softening hearts, rather than such an emphasis on human choices and practical steps. Also, I did not like that the author voiced his confidence in some of these methods or counsel as if it could never fail for any marriage. But overall, I think there are a few key things everyone could take away from this book.

[Candace · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Wheat does a fantastic job of taking his experience as a counselor and combining it with the age old wisdom of the Scripture to give married couples something to hope for. Those who are just starting out can begin with the knowledge and experience given to them by a wise counselor, and those who have found themselves in a rough patch can find some wonderful advice and hope to cling to in the pages of this book. Of course, as with any advice, you can't just read the book and hope everything works out... the principles must be applied.

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recommend this book to all the married people I know. If you are hurting you need to read this book. If you don't like your husband or wife you need to read this book. If you never loved you husband or wife to begin with, you need to read this book. If you are happily married, you need to read this book. You will be encouraged and spurred on no matter where you find yourself.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, a good read and great reminders (biblically based) about how to best love your spouse. A little outdated in some areas, but still worth the read.

[Nadia · Rating 5 out of 5]

lolll im not even married but this was great😂 at least I now know how to save a marriage in shambles

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought this book as a joke gift for the long-distance boyfriend I had in college when I found it in a library book sale for 25 cents. It ended up being the only book I had with me when I flew home next, so I started reading it and I didn't end up giving it to him like I intended (which is good, because that relationship took an eventual nose-dive, and I ended up liking the book).

Actually, I ended up liking the book so much that I read it again a second time later on-- which is a compliment, because I almost never (if ever) read books more than once, unless for reference. And now that I'm actually married (not to the aforementioned long-distance boyfriend), it's probably time to break it out for a third time.

Wheat outlines his understanding of a healthy, Christian (specifically Catholic) marriage.

He addresses cheating/divorce from a Catholic perspective, which I never really understood as a Protestant. This is probably the part of the book I took the most away from. Wheat explains that we are supposed to honor our marriage, and part of that honor includes forgiving the other half when they fail to honor the marriage. As Christ forgave, we should forgive. Although I don't fully agree with him about never allowing a marriage to fail due to infidelity, it changed my perspective a bit. I was raised with a hell of a lot of "self-respect" and a "you cheat once, you're done" sort of mentality. Straight up, no-nonsense Justice. One and done. But we aren't called to demand justice for ourselves. Instead we vow the equivalent of "for better or for worse," and cheating falls into the "worse" category. Marriage should be bigger than one literal screw-up -- which doesn't take away the pain and hard-work that accompanies overcoming the screw-up.

The part(s) where I differ are about the terms of terminating a marriage. Physical, sexual or emotional abuse (for either spouse or offspring) are not to be tolerated. For me, that includes cheating on me and then having sexual relations without telling me about your affair first. If you come clean before compromising my health, there is still something left to save in our marriage; but if you make me risk my health unknowingly because you're so lusty/cowardly that the sex can't wait until after the conversation (and an STD screen), that blatant disrespect for my physical well-being is intolerable. This book helped me define that important (but hopefully irrelevant) line between Christian marital love and self-respect, which before was more self-love and self-respect.

The other thing I took away was the idea of actively loving to receive love in return. There's a whole philosophical tail-chasing conversation about altruism that can play into this, but I'm going to steer away (this time!) and refocus on nagging. For me, sometimes actively loving is not complaining. I love to voice my distaste for things I find inconvenient... like the toilet paper roll not being replaced once it runs out. But do I love my husband's sanity more than my love to complain? Can I sacrifice my desire to lash out with seething words about empty toilet paper rolls, if it will make my husband's life more enjoyable? And chances are that him enjoying his life more will lead him to be more willing to weigh the benefits of not having to expend the energy of replacing the toilet paper roll with the benefits of making my life more enjoyable by replacing the toilet paper... and if I'm a more pleasant person, he'll be more apt to want to continue keeping me pleasant instead of assuming that it would just be another attempt to fill the angry gaping void that is my blackhole of complaints.

[Kelhi Herring · Rating 4 out of 5]

I discovered this book while sorting through the library that my congregation inherited when we moved into our new-to-us building. Among a number of "out-of-date," evangelical books on marriage of dubious quality that we discarded (a church library need have only the best), I saved this one for personal perusal because a friend had given me a copy of the Wheat's Intended for Pleasure. Garrett and I started reading that book on our honeymoon and have found it helpful. So, why not read another book by the same author(s)?

Author and Synopsis
Ed Wheat, doctor, sex therapist (didn't use to know that was a thing), and counselor, offers this book as "a counseling manual" (18) filled with "solid biblical principles that will always work when applied properly to individual problems" (16). Although this book is authored by Ed Wheat, he refers often to his wife Gaye as a partner in his message; the dedication is offered to readers from them both.0

Ed Wheat writes to married men and women in any stage of marriage; his audience is qualified only by this: he's speaking to believers.

In Love Life, Wheat begins with a discussion of marriage based in the early chapters of Genesis, as "these chapters form . . . the foundation of everything else in the Bible" (21). As a part of this foundation, he also addresses the fall, problems in marriage, and divorce; the big point: the fall, sin, etc. have not caused God to revise his definition, standards, or plan for marriage. The meat of the book is concerned with advice about love in marriage, broken down into five parts based on different New Testament words for love (epithumia, eros, storge, phileo, agape). Based on these words, he discusses sex, romance, "belonging" (that sense of home, comfort, and security), friendship, and sacrifice. Next, Wheat discusses intimacy and its importance; lessons from the Song of Solomon; miscellaneous but important additions (that's my way to summarize it); overcoming negativity; and advice for a spouse who is on his/her own in wanting to save the marriage (with lessons drawn from Hosea). He concludes with encouragement drawn from God's promises and our newness in Christ.

Negatives
Before the positives, I’ll discuss three negatives.

First, as can be expected from books written to (evangelical) Christians generally, there’s a level of gospel-assumptiveness. It is important to note that a book cannot do what a pastor or a discipler should do: help a couple apply Scripture’s truth to their lives by faith and repentance. Additionally, I give Wheat credit for clearly stating his audience, as well as speaking often about the confidence that we can have in the promises God has made to his children in his Word. The last chapter has some good material about the hope that believers have thanks to the work of Christ; even so, this is written with the typical “you must believe these truths” approach. In several places, Wheat reiterates the importance of the church and prayer/Bible reading as a couple (the means of grace). It’s not surprising, but it’s still a problem, that these ideas are “tucked into” the chapters, surrounded by other sound advice, instead of being given their own chapter. Wheat has great confidence in the truth of God’s Word; he won’t give into unbiblical definitions of marriage and he won’t accept the easy copout of divorce. He’s right that Scripture speaks to all of life, and God’s Word offers wonderful counsel for married couples. Still, there’s a danger in jumping to application too quickly; the Bible says a lot about love, and this has applications for marriage, but that application needs to be better situated in the person and work of Christ. Otherwise, we run the risk of a kind of social gospel: if I do what the Bible says, I’ll have a great marriage!

Second, I’m leery of any application-focused study that breaks concepts down by a word study. Different words are used in the Bible for the idea of “love,” yes; they denote different ideas (nuances), yes; but that doesn’t mean we can construct a paradigm from them. Scripture uses words in their original-language/cultural contexts (so yes, we can ask: what does epithumia vs. eros mean?), but the most important context is Scripture itself! In other words, instead of just doing a word study, we need to look at the passages that use these words in their context (nearest to farthest). Accordingly, I’d want to see more of Wheat’s sources, study these words in their passages in context, and check out some trusted commentaries/theologians before accenting to his claim that the Bible speaks about love in these five ways and, therefore, we ought to consider love in marriage from these five biblical perspectives.

Third, Wheat includes a paraphrase of the Song of Solomon and a retelling of the story of Hosea and Gomer. Wheat includes his source for both (he’s not coming up with this on his own). He provides some discussion of how the Song of Solomon relates to Christ (and this is a definite positive). However, there’s so much interpretation in that Song of Solomon paraphrase; not just interpretation of phrases, but interpretation of the story overall (understanding and organizing scenes, the flow of the narrative). I’m not comfortable with the level of interpretation (lacking explanation). And there’s so much being said about this as a story that helps married people that the emphasis is no longer on Christ at all. The story of Hosea and Gomer is presented pretty much entirely as a story that exemplifies “the ultimate pattern for a love without limits which eventually reunites husband and wife in spite of great obstacles” (228). He encourages an abandoned spouse to read this so that he or she might be encouraged to keep trusting God and seek the restoration of his or her marriage. In other words, there’s pretty much nothing said about a Christological interpretation of the story. A reader could possibly make a connection to Christ on their own given the fact that Wheat elsewhere discusses how God designed marriage to point to Christ and the church. But…that’s not enough.

Positives
Next, the positives. My paragraphs are much shorter here than above. Don’t take that to mean that I feel the negatives more strongly than the positives. It’s just the negatives take a lot more explaining!

First, Wheat exemplifies his love for God, his love for Scripture, and his love for his fellow believers in this book. It’s a pleasure to read a book like this because, even with my reservations stated above, I feel confident that the author cares about all the things that I care about. I’m thankful. Given these things, it is no surprise that he writes with an encouraging, even hopeful tone. The encouragement and hope are based in his confidence in God and God’s Word.

Second, Wheat relies on Scripture for his understanding of marriage. By this, I mean his defense of marriage, his stance on divorce, is strong. He’s not strong at the expense of that necessary encouragement for someone who is struggling in their marriage.

Third and finally, there’s so much good material in this book. Helpful insights, practical wisdom, good explanations. Some of the lists and self-diagnosis questions are really great. I especially liked: advice to wives for communication (page 110); self-diagnosis questions related to unconditional love (page 123); and twenty-five non-sexual touching suggestions (pages 184-187). Even though I’m not crazy about the word study, his discussion of love under five categories yielded a lot of great insights; those five chapters are some of my favorite chapters. His overall picture of marriage is compelling to me personally.

Conclusion
Overall, I’m thankful for Love Life for Every Married Couple. The book made me think; it made me pray in thanks and repentance; in a few places, it made me cry (in response to some of Wheat’s stories). I found many encouraging things here. I found several convicting things too! After finishing this book, I shared a lot of things with Garrett (little did I know that he’d already skimmed the book and read several sections!). We had some wonderful conversations. I look forward to reading another Wheat book in the future, as well as revisiting this and the other Wheat book I’ve already read.


Note. Here's the bibliographic information for my copy of the book (for my page numbers): Wheat, Ed. Love Life for Every Married Couple: How to Fall in Love, Stay in Love, Rekindle Your Love. Grand Rapids, MO: Zondervan, 1980. I have not read this updated version.

[Holly · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had read this book in the mid-90's and really liked it. Having such a selfish, post-modern mindset, it was a revelation to me then and I desperately need it to wake me up! While it has MUCH fabulous advice about love being a choice and details the kinds of love the Scriptures lay out for us and most of the marital counsel is wonderful, I threw this copy of the book in the trash when I was done re-reading it this morning. It had three flaws that I could not overlook, no matter how fantastic the advice about being a wonderful, loving mate might be. They were: 1. He describes Genesis 3 and the CURSE (for cryin' out loud, how do you miss that it is a CURSE and utterly ignore the clear context and the rest of the Scriptures on this one is beyond me. . .) as God giving Eve sexual desire for her husband when He says, "Your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rules over you." That is so abjectly wrong that I do not want to have such sloppy eisegesis sitting on my shelves lest someone (or one of my kids) think I condone this kind of schlocky theology. In the CURSE God is clearly stating that Eve will want to be the leader in the home. . .she will want to rule over Adam, but he will rule over her instead. This is not sexual, even in the most remote way. Ugh! 2. His explanation about forgiveness is off as well. Forgiveness is not an activity we engage in for our own selfish wellbeing. See an excellent article in The Christian Research Journal about forgiveness for clarification. 3. He advises married people, especially newlyweds, to disengage from their families of origin. . .move away from them, don't spend much time with them, don't talk to them all that much if you can avoid it, etc. Hello? "Leave and cleave" is not about abandoning your family of origin. Ed Wheat is the antithesis of a multi-generational visionary in this section of the book. It ignores the clear historical practices surrounding the application of this scripture in the culture in which it was written AND it neglects the mountain of scripture that negates what he is teaching. Husbands should MAN UP and rule their own households well and not be leeches on Mommy and Daddy, or letting Mama rule their new homes. They need to be a blessing to their wives and chidlren AND their parents. The parents in the family of origin are supposed to be blessing and edifying their married children and teaching and training their grandchildren. Kinda hard to do if you follow Ed Wheat's advice and move across the country, don't come home for Thanksgiving and never pick up the phone if it's your mother! (I dramatize, but the point is the same.) So, for these reasons, I chunked the book in the dustbin. There is plenty of great advice to be had about being a wonderful lover in ever sense of the word that isn't blighted with these serious errors.

[Natalie Weber · Rating 4 out of 5]

My husband and I read this book together and thoroughly enjoyed it! We appreciate the inclusion of a theological foundation for understanding the purpose of marriage along with lots of practical suggestions and examples for how to live it out in daily love. Perhaps most insightful was the exposition on the five different kinds of love along with inspiration for cultivating each one in your marriage.

Two specific disagreements with the author resulted in the 4 instead of 5-star rating. The first, a minor one, is in his application of the “S” for “sharing” in his principles for having the B.E.S.T. marriage. He advocates for a totality of shared interests, positing that if one spouse has a particular hobby or interest that the other should always learn to participate and enjoy it as well. While we generally agree with the principle of sharing interests and experiences, we think it’s also fine - perhaps even healthy - to maintain some separate interests and appreciate each other’s differences.

Our second disagreement, much more significant, was in his instruction that if one spouse has been involved in extra marital affairs in the past that the other doesn’t know about, he should keep it to himself and not place the burden of that knowledge on the other. We vehemently disagree! For a book that so unapologetically advocates for a depth of intimacy in every area of life, we can’t imagine a couple being able to achieve this if one is keeping such a secret. Transparency and honesty are always preferable to secrecy. And Proverbs 28:13 likewise cautions that “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.”

Those two issues aside, we recommend this book to any other married couples looking to improve their marriage, provide topics for discussion, delve into deeper issues of intimacy, and gain a better understanding of all that God designed marriage to be. The timeless truths and even a chapter on “How to Save Your Marriage Alone” also make it a valuable resource for just a husband or wife looking for guidance on how to work through difficulties in marriage without the support or participation of their spouse.

[Nadine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was an excellent and useful book. I would have given it 5 stars except for a couple of points that I disagree with. I'm going to talk about those points below, but I want the main point of the review to be: this is a good and helpful book! It really gives one hope for marriages to be sources of joy and happiness.

Now for the disagreements. Because he is a strict Christian he agrees with the idea that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. This is just a theologic idea that I don't agree with. The second is that he says that if you always treat your spouse with love, no matter what they are doing, they will come back to the marriage and the marriage can be saved. Maybe this works in some cases, but I don't think that it is always healthy to accept the other person's behavior. For example, he talks about a man who was living part time with a mistress and the wife who warmly welcomed him back into the family home whenever he happened to stop by. To me, that is not acceptable behavior, and I don't think there is anything wrong with the wife saying "This is hurtful, it makes me angry, " etc.. Or even "Adultery kills marriage and I want a divorce." I don't think being a doormat, even if it saves your marriage, is healthy. If the marriage is saved, kudos to the martyr who stuck it out, but I don't think a person should be expected to do this. Although keeping a commitment to marriage is important, there is an importance in having self respect and expecting to be treated as a valuable person.

Nevertheless, overall this was a very compassionate, loving, and hopeful book about marriage and how great it can be.

[KC McCauley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book for my Prayer and Share class at church. It covers many of the different aspects of marriage: spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental and how each one is a very important aspect to marriage. He also goes over the five different types of love in the Greek: Epithumia (strong desire), eros (romantic, passionatate, and sentimental), storge (love shared by parents and children or brothers and sisters) phileo (companionship, closeness, tender affection) and agape (unselfish love that has the capacity to give and keep on giving with expecting in return). Everything that Dr. Wheat proposes if found in the pages of Scripture and provides a picture for what a biblical marriage should look like. Also, he provides great insight on how to counsel other people in relationships by giving several examples of what he has gone through as a counselor.This book has helped me gain new understanding on how to have a healthy, biblical, and satisfying relationship.

[Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very good Christian marriage book but is not really for the non-christian. It provides lots of biblical evidence for God's plan for marriage and the practical behavior required from the husband and wife to make it work. What is truly mind-boggling to me is to really stop and think how counter-cultural true Christian marriage has become! Much of the "really good advice" out there on the market today; well-intended, highly educated advice, is just dead wrong. Something that used to be so common and boring; believing in the sanctity of a life-long marriage between one man and one woman and living according to those beliefs, is now super badass! I personally find it inspiring. I think all christian singles should read this book and if their fiance doesn't believe what's in it, they should move on.

[Mark · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book just before getting married. My reaction as I read this book was "Wow. Marriage can be really good". The author paints a very attractive but also realistic picture of what a good marriage can be like. Unlike some books, this book isn't filled with with happy fairy-tale stories, but rather looks at the wonder and blessing of everyday intimacy. If you are looking for a "how to" book for marriage, there are better books. That's not to say that this book doesn't have good and practical suggestions, just that there are books that are better than this. Why read this book? To get a realistic vision of the beauty and wonder of a healthy marriage.

[Julia · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a must read for newly married couples, or for any married couple in a good or bad marriage. ***Both partners should read the book together, as a couple.***** Now....the reason I can't give it more stars is because it does get wordy at times, and some of the chapters are too long. I have yet to get through this book. Sometimes, it seems like he already said the same exact thing in a previous chapter, but in just a slightly different way. I feel like the book could have been more compressed.

[Robin]

There is a lot of good information in this book on how to really love your spouse and therefore improve your marriage. It's so much easier to read about/talk about agape love than it is to actually to put into practice! I was really challenged to love my husband without expecting the same treatment in return. I love the idea that every day is a new one, and that my marriage can always be improved.

[Don · Rating 5 out of 5]

My wife and I are reading this book together as part of a marriage group we joined. It was amazing, I can truly say that this marriage group and the text we read saved our marriage.

Whether you're reading it alone or with your partner it is a great book. Gives lots of biblical examples for how to treat your partner and work out issues. It really rekindled the romance in our marriage. Just an incredible book.

[Richard · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wheat helps you to improve your marriage through sharing, touching, appreciating, and focus healing attention on your mate. He answers physical, psychological, and stress related questions in a Christian context. He helps demonstrate how to bring your feelings of love back to life. I really enjoyed this book

[Rebekah · Rating 1 out of 5]

Edit 2025: do not read. Full of evangelical complementarian patriarchy. I regret reading it pre-marriage and giving them to my friend. Read Sheila Gregoire instead.


We got these during our engagement and they were such a great resource that I bought copies of them for several of my also newly engaged friends. We chose them after a little research of so many other marriage resource books.

[Matt · Rating 2 out of 5]

Don't read this book if you are looking for earth-shattering exegetical insights. Still, there are some helpful nuggets of wisdom here from a Christian marriage therapist who has counseled hundreds of couples. The chapters on sexual intimacy and how to save your marriage alone were unlike anything I have ever read before.

[Dmreichle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read the 1980 copy of this book and find some of the writing a bit dated. Of course, Biblical principles are unchanging, but the stories and examples given didn't really hit home. The retelling of the Song of Solomon was just strange to me. I enjoyed the retelling of Hosea. There are definitely some good points made in the book that I will work on in my marriage.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best, most complete, thoughtful and Biblically-based marriage book we have read. In waiting to discuss it with Josh, I read several of the chapters twice and think I would benefit in continuing to do so!

[Gail Gerycz · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband & I are reading this book together - one chapter a week. I highly recommend married couples read this book - perhaps every year! This book helps you stick together - what God has joined together, let nothing separate.

[Erin Mather · Rating 1 out of 5]

Horrible Horrible Horrible. This book could be a textbook on logical fallacies unstated and unproven assumptions. This is the only how-to book on the planet where the author doesn't even bother to claim that his advice resulted in success for the couples he counseled. Pure torture to read.

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

The is quite possibly the best book on marriage ever. Want a satisfying marriage? Read this book. Having some struggles? Read this book. Want to save your marriage, even if your partner isn't interested? Read this book! It is solid from one end to the other.

[Lindsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is quite possibly the best marriage book I have ever read. I just finished it but kind of want to start reading it again just to keep the ideas fresh in my mind. It is based on Scripture and contains great practical advice.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of THE very best books on marriage I've ever read.