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How We Love Our Kids: The Five Love Styles of Parenting
One s mall change in how you love; one big change in your kids
Having problems with your kids? What if you are the problem and you just can’t see it? How We Love Our Kids offers a unique approach, to help you as a parent transform your kids by making specific changes in how you love. It’s the only book specifically for parents that reveals the unseen forces that shape every interaction with your kids.
• Identify which of the five love styles you have.
• Discover the surprising dynamics that shape your parenting.
• Get rid of your “buttons” so your kids can’t push them.
• Create a close connection with your kids that will last a lifetime.
• Learn the seven gifts every child needs.
Based on years of research in the area of attachment and bonding, How We Love Our Kids shows parents how to overcome the predictable challenges that arise out of the five love styles and helps parents cultivate a secure, deep connection with a child of any age. Retool your reactions and refocus on how you love. Start today. Watch your kids flourish and thrive as they receive what was missing in your love.
With four self-assessments and powerful application tools to use with children of all ages.
Having problems with your kids? What if you are the problem and you just can’t see it? How We Love Our Kids offers a unique approach, to help you as a parent transform your kids by making specific changes in how you love. It’s the only book specifically for parents that reveals the unseen forces that shape every interaction with your kids.
• Identify which of the five love styles you have.
• Discover the surprising dynamics that shape your parenting.
• Get rid of your “buttons” so your kids can’t push them.
• Create a close connection with your kids that will last a lifetime.
• Learn the seven gifts every child needs.
Based on years of research in the area of attachment and bonding, How We Love Our Kids shows parents how to overcome the predictable challenges that arise out of the five love styles and helps parents cultivate a secure, deep connection with a child of any age. Retool your reactions and refocus on how you love. Start today. Watch your kids flourish and thrive as they receive what was missing in your love.
With four self-assessments and powerful application tools to use with children of all ages.
304 pages, Paperback
First published March 15, 2011
209 people are currently reading
922 people want to read
About the author
Milan Yerkovich
8 books30 followersMilan Yerkovich is a weekly talk show host on the New Life Live! radio program. An ordained pastor with a master’s degree in biblical studies, he has been helping couples and families build healthier relationships for more than twenty-five years. Previously a pastoral counselor for The Center for Individual and Family Therapy, Milan now teaches seminars on relationships and intimacy and is cofounder of Relationship 180°, a non-profit ministry for Christian leaders and laity.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 47 reviews
April 8, 2013
This is one of the best Christian parenting books I've read, in that it steers you away from "teach your kids obedience so they will also obey God!" and more toward an empathetic, compassionate relationship. In short, more like secular parenting books that are more based on psychology and social science on emotional intelligence than literal interpretation of a few Bible passages. I learned more about myself, and was definitely inspired to change some of the ways I love my kids, especially the way I respond to them when they are upset about something I think is silly!
January 25, 2023
An invaluable book. Highly recommend!
January 3, 2019
This isn't as practical ("In this situation, do this") as I thought it would be. It did have some good tidbits that I carried away, but nothing too memorable. If you want really practical parenting tips, I recommend reading info about the Love and Logic method (haven't even read the book, but in reading about it on the internet, I found their ideas hugely helpful!). If you want a more theoretical approach to parenting, I highly recommend How to Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell.
March 20, 2018
We want to love our kids! We want our kids to feel loved!
We usually love our kids the way we have been loved. We haven’t always been loved the way we needed to be loved and at times we don’t love our kids the way they need to be loved.
Every kid is unique and may need to be loved in a way that we haven’t thought about. We often love as we have been loved and the way we want to be loved rather then the way the child needs to be loved.
This is a book that will help you examine your own childhood and how love was expressed to you. It will also help you look at the ways you currently express love to children. There is a little bit of something for everyone that deals with kids here including those with special needs or challenges.
The authors list five kinds of parents that struggle to express love to their kids, the advoider, the pleaser, the vacillator, the controller and the victim parent each present special challenges to their kids because of who they are. The key is that we can all learn to meet the needs of our kids and but it often means we have to rethink the way we express love.
Many of us will see ourselves in one or more of these categories and can learn why we do what we do and how to change. There are the same categories for the kids and when we learn to express love in a way that connects to them it benefits everyone. As anyone with children knows, they each present unique and special challenges. Wanting to love them equally will usually mean that we have to learn to love the differently. Probably the greatest challenges it that we also have to learn to love them differently then we were loved as children.
Not all of us were loved wrongly. At times it may feel that way while reading because they spend most of the time talking about how change can come about. Some have been loved well and are loving well now but we can all learn and if not in yourself you will see others you know in these stories.
One of the powerful parts of this book is helping us see how it strengthens our relationships when we admit we have been wrong and are working to live differently. Sometimes what we need to confess is the hurt that we have experienced at the hands of others.
The last section of the book is about gifts that we can offer our children to help them learn about themselves and grow as they develop. We want our kids to be ready to go into the world and we can help prepare them for that future.
The one weakness in this book is a lack of emphasis on those that get it right and work to express love in healthy and wholesome ways. There are many of those as well.
While this book is written for parents, anyone that works with kids will benefit from it. This includes adult children who are still impacted by how we loved them growing up.
We usually love our kids the way we have been loved. We haven’t always been loved the way we needed to be loved and at times we don’t love our kids the way they need to be loved.
Every kid is unique and may need to be loved in a way that we haven’t thought about. We often love as we have been loved and the way we want to be loved rather then the way the child needs to be loved.
This is a book that will help you examine your own childhood and how love was expressed to you. It will also help you look at the ways you currently express love to children. There is a little bit of something for everyone that deals with kids here including those with special needs or challenges.
The authors list five kinds of parents that struggle to express love to their kids, the advoider, the pleaser, the vacillator, the controller and the victim parent each present special challenges to their kids because of who they are. The key is that we can all learn to meet the needs of our kids and but it often means we have to rethink the way we express love.
Many of us will see ourselves in one or more of these categories and can learn why we do what we do and how to change. There are the same categories for the kids and when we learn to express love in a way that connects to them it benefits everyone. As anyone with children knows, they each present unique and special challenges. Wanting to love them equally will usually mean that we have to learn to love the differently. Probably the greatest challenges it that we also have to learn to love them differently then we were loved as children.
Not all of us were loved wrongly. At times it may feel that way while reading because they spend most of the time talking about how change can come about. Some have been loved well and are loving well now but we can all learn and if not in yourself you will see others you know in these stories.
One of the powerful parts of this book is helping us see how it strengthens our relationships when we admit we have been wrong and are working to live differently. Sometimes what we need to confess is the hurt that we have experienced at the hands of others.
The last section of the book is about gifts that we can offer our children to help them learn about themselves and grow as they develop. We want our kids to be ready to go into the world and we can help prepare them for that future.
The one weakness in this book is a lack of emphasis on those that get it right and work to express love in healthy and wholesome ways. There are many of those as well.
While this book is written for parents, anyone that works with kids will benefit from it. This includes adult children who are still impacted by how we loved them growing up.
April 25, 2025
"I just finished listening to 'How We Love Our Kids' by Kay and Milan Yerkovich, and let me tell you, it's been a game-changer for our family! As a mom of three, I've been trying to figure out how to love my kids in a way that honors God and helps them develop healthy attachment styles. This book has been a huge blessing.
The Yerkovichs have a way of explaining attachment theory in a way that's easy to understand, even for a busy mom like me who's not a therapist! They use so many relatable examples and anecdotes that made me think, 'Oh, yeah! That's my kid!' or 'That's me as a parent!'
One thing that really stood out to me was their discussion on how our own attachment styles affect our parenting. I've been trying to work through some of my own issues from my childhood, and this book gave me some great insights into how that's impacting my relationships with my kids.
I love how the Yerkovichs emphasize the importance of emotional attunement and validation. It's so easy to get caught up in trying to fix our kids' problems or calm them down, but sometimes what they really need is for us to just be present with them and acknowledge their feelings.
The only thing I wish they'd done differently is include more, um, 'action steps' or something. I know they give some great principles and ideas, but sometimes I found myself thinking, 'Okay, but what do I do with this information?' Still, I think this book is a must-listen for any Christian parent who wants to understand their kids better and love them more like Jesus loves us.
The narration is great, too - the voice actor does a wonderful job of bringing the Yerkovichs' warmth and expertise to life. Overall, I'd highly recommend 'How We Love Our Kids' to anyone looking to deepen their relationships with their children and grow in their faith. Five stars from this happy mom!"
The Yerkovichs have a way of explaining attachment theory in a way that's easy to understand, even for a busy mom like me who's not a therapist! They use so many relatable examples and anecdotes that made me think, 'Oh, yeah! That's my kid!' or 'That's me as a parent!'
One thing that really stood out to me was their discussion on how our own attachment styles affect our parenting. I've been trying to work through some of my own issues from my childhood, and this book gave me some great insights into how that's impacting my relationships with my kids.
I love how the Yerkovichs emphasize the importance of emotional attunement and validation. It's so easy to get caught up in trying to fix our kids' problems or calm them down, but sometimes what they really need is for us to just be present with them and acknowledge their feelings.
The only thing I wish they'd done differently is include more, um, 'action steps' or something. I know they give some great principles and ideas, but sometimes I found myself thinking, 'Okay, but what do I do with this information?' Still, I think this book is a must-listen for any Christian parent who wants to understand their kids better and love them more like Jesus loves us.
The narration is great, too - the voice actor does a wonderful job of bringing the Yerkovichs' warmth and expertise to life. Overall, I'd highly recommend 'How We Love Our Kids' to anyone looking to deepen their relationships with their children and grow in their faith. Five stars from this happy mom!"
August 5, 2018
I feel bad giving this only 2 stars. It wasn't bad by any means. But it didn't give me much new wisdom about parenting. The main idea is: imagine how your kid feels and be empathetic. If you've read anything on building emotional intelligence in children, like the Whole-Brain Child or No Drama Discipline, I don't think there's much new here. The love styles are an interesting way to look at things, but it didn't quite resonate with me. I took the quiz online and found that I was a mishmash of 3 or 4 styles. So it was hard for me to glean nuggets from the book. I know we don't all fit neatly into boxes, but I figured I'd get some ideas from reading all the applicable chapters. But it felt like they were just saying the same thing over and over again in each chapter.
Like SO many other parenting books I've read, the authors spend too much time telling anecdotal stories about families that have come through their practice--and very little time on practical application. The stories are just wrapped up too neatly with a nice little bow. The parent complains about something, the therapist asks some leading questions, then the parent gasps and has this "Aha!" moment. Story over.
I didn't finish the book. :/
Like SO many other parenting books I've read, the authors spend too much time telling anecdotal stories about families that have come through their practice--and very little time on practical application. The stories are just wrapped up too neatly with a nice little bow. The parent complains about something, the therapist asks some leading questions, then the parent gasps and has this "Aha!" moment. Story over.
I didn't finish the book. :/
December 9, 2022
A fantastic read that is empathetic, encouraging, and knowledgeable for the adult seeking to help themselves heal or to positively evolve their children.
I felt like I gobbled this up as fast as I could around tending to my family’s needs. I found it insightful and helpful for me, personally. I received validation on concepts I was already familiar with due to my psychology background and tips on things that I seek to improve. I thoroughly enjoyed the author’s list at the back of memories of how he played with his children- this was very helpful to me as I aim to learn how to play more with my children. I am playful, but don’t necessarily know how to play on their level, consistently, like I desire to. I also plan to utilize the soul words at the back of the book for me and my children, when it is time. Right now, I have a 8 year old boy and 3 year old girl, and I feel my son is quickly approaching enough literary skills and maturity to be able to start using that list. I truly feel the authors (a married couple) did the work to earn their subject knowledge and are healthy individuals that raised a healthy family, qualified to give this book validity.
I felt like I gobbled this up as fast as I could around tending to my family’s needs. I found it insightful and helpful for me, personally. I received validation on concepts I was already familiar with due to my psychology background and tips on things that I seek to improve. I thoroughly enjoyed the author’s list at the back of memories of how he played with his children- this was very helpful to me as I aim to learn how to play more with my children. I am playful, but don’t necessarily know how to play on their level, consistently, like I desire to. I also plan to utilize the soul words at the back of the book for me and my children, when it is time. Right now, I have a 8 year old boy and 3 year old girl, and I feel my son is quickly approaching enough literary skills and maturity to be able to start using that list. I truly feel the authors (a married couple) did the work to earn their subject knowledge and are healthy individuals that raised a healthy family, qualified to give this book validity.
January 3, 2023
I think 3 stars is generous. I’m skeptical of labels, broad generalizations and conveniently numbered categories (5 parenting styles!) and this book exemplified why.
Most of the examples were pretty extreme and difficult to relate to. Couldn’t see myself, my kids or anyone I know in more than a couple qualities here and there; similar to astrology signs. But that’s not to say there was no truth or helpful insights at all. Though the couple bits there were not new and therefore not significant to me.
Side note but I highly doubt that child sticking the doll with the syringe in the foot was due to “body memories” from his preemie experiences. And not just because absolutely -none- of the qualities fit my own preemie daughter. It’s particularly irksome for me when authors, etc state this kind of hypothesis (and pretty much all of the info related in this chapter) as scientific fact.
Most of the examples were pretty extreme and difficult to relate to. Couldn’t see myself, my kids or anyone I know in more than a couple qualities here and there; similar to astrology signs. But that’s not to say there was no truth or helpful insights at all. Though the couple bits there were not new and therefore not significant to me.
Side note but I highly doubt that child sticking the doll with the syringe in the foot was due to “body memories” from his preemie experiences. And not just because absolutely -none- of the qualities fit my own preemie daughter. It’s particularly irksome for me when authors, etc state this kind of hypothesis (and pretty much all of the info related in this chapter) as scientific fact.
August 1, 2017
Sometimes when reading a book by a professional counselor, I find myself wishing I could just have a conversation with them instead. You see the wisdom and insight peeking through the chapters, but it's hard to apply to yourself. That's my experience with How We Love Our Kids.
The five types of parents/kids seemed too extreme at times, particularly when controller (I read as abuser?) and victim are two of the five. I did recognize myself in the vacillator parent and found some helpful hints. The rest of it seemed to have been better shared in other books about parenting with grace. The somewhat frequent negative examples of parents the authors observed once in public also grated on me. That's a lot of extrapolation from what could have been one extraordinary day.
The five types of parents/kids seemed too extreme at times, particularly when controller (I read as abuser?) and victim are two of the five. I did recognize myself in the vacillator parent and found some helpful hints. The rest of it seemed to have been better shared in other books about parenting with grace. The somewhat frequent negative examples of parents the authors observed once in public also grated on me. That's a lot of extrapolation from what could have been one extraordinary day.
April 13, 2022
The best Christian based parenting book I’ve ever actually truly liked. The only Christian based parenting book I’ve read thus far that I would recommend to be honest. Sooo good. If you want to raise your children well, you must first work on yourself and understand how your family of origin effected you while making steps to heal. This is the premise of the book and it becomes the most accurate and applicable parenting book with excellent practical tips. Based with real psychology science but presented in a very understandable manner. Easy to read, even with the challenging topic. This book and the book “Simplicity Parenting” will be books I will be giving to new parents or not-so-new parents looking for recommendations. Highly highly recommend.
June 22, 2022
I read this book a decade ago and it has stuck with me. It helped me realize my own parents' style and thus, my own.
For me this was the Vacillator style which "forms when a child is raised in a home where there is some connection and bonding but it's sporadic and unpredictable, governed by the mood of the parent rather than the need of the child. The mood of the parent is governed by the level of preoccupation she is experiencing." This was my life as a child and a parent - until I read this book! What I most loved about this book was it was not merely an assessment but gave "Growth Goals" to help us, well, grow.
For me this was the Vacillator style which "forms when a child is raised in a home where there is some connection and bonding but it's sporadic and unpredictable, governed by the mood of the parent rather than the need of the child. The mood of the parent is governed by the level of preoccupation she is experiencing." This was my life as a child and a parent - until I read this book! What I most loved about this book was it was not merely an assessment but gave "Growth Goals" to help us, well, grow.
August 13, 2021
What an eye-opening book! I am SO glad I read this! I took the How We Love quiz online to more effectively determine my style so I could keep it in mind as I read. Wow! I felt like it described me perfectly, and completely revealed the root of my problems. I had no idea why I struggled so much with certain things, and now it seems so clear. I just need to do the work of growing and changing to have more secure relationships, so I can teach my children how to have secure and healthy attachments as well. I highly highly recommend this book - so enlightening!
September 28, 2018
Seriously my TOP read for new parents of the last 20 years. Want to learn about parenting your child with emotional intelligence in the most practical ways? This is is. This work is solidly rooted in research and understanding of attachment theory while being wonderfully accessible and helps us as parents learn our own self-awareness. HWLOK is the best toolbox for high-functioning emotional IQ in parenting and modeling kids toward secure emotional attachment and confidence.
September 21, 2020
I read this book while I was pregnant and this was the only "parenting" book that I read. It is a really practical book on parenting that focuses on attachment styles and how our own childhood experiences affect our parenting. It helps you understand how to help children at each age become more self-aware and emotionally healthy and emphasizes how to really love our kids for who they are and understand their behaviors. I found the perspective to be extremely helpful and refreshing.
January 17, 2023
one of my christian counselors years ago recommended this to me, and after shelving it for a bit, u picked it back up and finished it. was SO Insightful as a christ centered parenting resource. it spoke to the parent, the parent when they were children, and the children we are parenting. highly recommend!!
July 24, 2023
I absolutely loved this book. The information, the insight, the direction and focus on growing as a parent. The focus on Christ as the essential piece. The prayers at the end. If I could recommend any parent to read a book, other than the Bible.. it would be THIS one. ♥ Wow. A treasure on my bookshelf for years to come.
July 9, 2020
I wish I bought it in paperback, it was so good. I want to make notes all over it. I was working hard to keep my kids from becoming having problematic attachments as adults. I wish they would put out a book on helping our kids heal from parenting love styles after divorce.
October 20, 2025
It's been some years since I read their book on how attachment styles intract in marriage. which was paradigm shifting. this is re: attachment and parenting. they work through each of the attachment styles as the parent and then the attachment styles as the kids.
April 26, 2019
Insightful
December 3, 2019
Every parent must read this book. I can't emphasize enough how important this book is. Also read their precursor, "How We Love."
March 14, 2020
I only sort of liked this book. It gave some helpful insights but it felt like a lot of this book was geared toward parents coming from extreme circumstances.
January 1, 2021
Very insightful. A must read for all parents or people choosing to spend a portion of their life around kids.
April 24, 2021
A Must Read
Life-changing perspective has already impacted how I parent. I read “How We Love” years ago and this book is just as impactful!
Life-changing perspective has already impacted how I parent. I read “How We Love” years ago and this book is just as impactful!
April 25, 2021
Lots of food for thought and for sure something I’ll be referencing again.
July 25, 2021
Great book! Really made you reflect on how your issues and past experiences impact how you parent. And how that can impact your kids.
January 18, 2023
This is a book I know I will come back to over and over again throughout my parenting journey.
February 2, 2023
Excellent and most helpful
This was the most excellent and helpful parenting book I have ever read. It all starts with us as parents.
This was the most excellent and helpful parenting book I have ever read. It all starts with us as parents.
February 13, 2024
Lots of helpful info for parents with different styles of parenting! Good reminders of her to love our children well!
May 3, 2024
Very helpful!
March 27, 2025
So good. Going up there in the top 5 parenting books. Will help your marriage and personal relationship with God too.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 47 reviews