How I Learned to Snap: A Small Town Coming-Out and Coming-of-Age Story

by Kirk Read

With bold Southern humor, journalist and performer Kirk Read takes readers on a guided tour of his precocious and courageous adolescence. Recalling his years as an openly gay high school student, Read describes how he navigated the hallways with his sense of humor and dignity intact. He fondly recalls his initiations into sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll, as well as his "shy as neon" acts of rabble rousing during high school. How I Learned to Snap is a refreshingly victim-free story in which queer teenagers are creative, resilient, and ultimately heroic.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, LGBT, Queer, Biography, Gay, Biography Memoir

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2001

About the author

Kirk Read is a writer, performer and event-maker who lives and works in San Francisco’s Mission district. He tours the United States as an author and solo performer.

He is the author of “How I Learned to Snap,” a memoir about being openly gay in a small Virginia high school. The book has been translated into German and was named an American Library Association Honor Book. His writing has been published in over 150 newspapers and magazines, as well as several dozen book anthologies.

Reviews

[Dennis Holland · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a relatable and really funny recollection of what it was like to come of age as an out, happy and well-adjusted GenX gaydreamer. I have never learned how to snap but Kirk Read certainly reminded me How I Learned to… Be Me. I’ve read this before but it had been ages and his stories were a charming and very appropriate companion for spending Thanksgiving with my always ever supportive family.

[Annie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Oh, man. I read it is one day, which is quite the feat-- for me!

I really wanted to know more of his story, to see what happened next, etc. And I read parts of it out loud to my fiancee, for two different reasons: 1) so funny! and 2) so horrifying!

I think the book description/subtitle/premise doesn't do justice to the actual story. Everybody's lives are more complicated than what Read's father calls "single-issue", and I think that this book does an awesome job of not cutting corners to make it more palatable, more "on-topic" or whatever. But I think that the book isn't a small town coming-out story.

The protagonist comes out in waves, and sometimes not at all. It isn't so much about his hometown or high school as how he survived by getting out and being "taken care of" by predatory older men. He repeatedly explains that it wasn't wrong for him and it wasn't abuse, etc. And obviously, he gets to have his own experience.

But what I read was really disturbing to me. I could relate to a lot of the experiences, and now, looking back, I get to untangle those and see, yes, that was of great use to me as a survival mechanism, and also, it hurt me. I'll take the example of relying on older people as the source of my worth and validation: there were many older people who were looking out for me and took care of me, but they did so by maintaining appropriate boundaries with me, treating me respectfully and age-appropriately. I had teachers who recommended books to me and lots of people who worked with youth who would talk to me for hours about philosophy and the state of souls and God and literature and whatever I liked, and it got me through. But, there were trade-offs-- I didn't develop those kinds of relationships with my peers until I was well into my mid-twenties; I got to maintain my sense of "terminal uniqueness" long past the point where it made sense or helped me; and I was at risk for inappropriate attention from people with bad boundaries. I can see now which people were actually a threat to me (my intuition protected me at the time too) and how I was covertly abused by people who took advantage of my precociousness.

I think that the story is complicated by the fact that he seems to think that being queer, rather than leaving one susceptible to this kind of abuse, is actually a justification for it. He says that he would've dithered and been boring (I'm paraphrasing) and it would've been tedious, if he had come out at his own pace.

And maybe it would've been for him. I found any kind of waiting excruciating (until I got some recovery, actually), but I am grateful for the slow pace of my coming out to myself and to others. My psyche knew what to do and when, and it really helped me to keep my side of the street clean for a lot longer that my learning I was "gay" was self-discovery and not based on sexual experiences with older people.

Wow, as with all of these reviews, I have said a lot about myself.

The book: well-written, mostly, laugh-out-loud funny at times, cringe-inducingly un-self-aware.

[Oriana · Rating 3 out of 5]

Yay Brokelyn Book Swap! I traded the abysmal Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England for this snappy (see what I did there?) little number. It's super fun so far!

***

Oh I forgot to review this and somehow like a month has gone by and I've forgotten all about it. Well, not all about it; I do remember that it wasn't very good.

I mean, I thought it was going to be this really sad/hopeful thing, where the young pretty gay boy was repressed and made miserable by his small-town compatriots, the sensitive artist working his way through the ignorant masses to eventually emerge, scathed and bruised but hopeful, into a clearer world of sophistication and creativity. But actually? This guy seems to have had it great. His firebrand mom was letting him work at a record store and have his friends take him to punk shows when he was like thirteen. His ex-army taskmaster father somehow looked the other way when a much much older "friend" spent the night like every weekend when he was in high school. All his teachers recognized his great creativity, he won all sorts of awards, got to go on month-long retreats with a bunch of (again, much older) naked hippies and performance artists. All the girls were in love with him, all the boys looked up to him, even the jocks and the meatheads took him cow-tipping and shared their PBRs and told him he was a good dude. Charmed life, much?

Even on the few occasions when he's relating a story of failure—kids calling him a faggot, getting into fist fights—he still tells it as if he's the winner. Which, maybe that's how he needs toremember it, or shit, maybe that's really how it was. But it all just felt somehow...dishonest. Way too self-aggrandizing. Though I guess that tends to be the point of a memoir, right?

I don't know, I feel like kind of an asshole now. I mean, I'm not saying that every coming-out story should be Boys Don't Cry or something, or that a lack of difficulty undermines one's ability to find one's way. I just...I don't know quite why this guy gets to write a memoir? Nothing about his life was particularly illuminating or fascinating, and I was mostly bored by his story.

[Scott · Rating 2 out of 5]

Clocking in at 228 pages with 52 "chapters" (avg. of 4.38 pages/chapter) this is more a collection of stories than an autobiography. The beginning "chapters" bounce among characters and periods. My opinion is that this style of writing has a laziness to it, as if the author can't formulate a good, intriguing flow to a story - so just chop it up and talk about all the interesting stuff up front. Too many authors, especially coming-of-age, gay authors, seem to do this a great deal.

The book was okay to read, nothing amazing. An interesting aspect is that the novel takes place not far from where I attended college and it was interesting in that sense. The later portion of the book starts to flow chronologically and work as a cohesive story.

I was intrigued enough to google the author and discovered he is now a performance artist in San Francisco and started a non-profit - to put his own book in school libraries (seems a bit self-serving to me for a non-profit cause, but, hey, rock it if you can).

Okay to read and a good capture of the how it was for a gay theater geek before Will & Grace and GLEE.

[That One Ryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first read this memoir back in 2004, right out of high school, and I remember thinking how much easier life would have been to have read this when I was dealing with coming out myself. Re-reading it now, I can't help but think the same thing. I think it's important to have stories like this out there for gay youth! To know other people went through it too, and came out of alive and well, can be a very powerful message for someone who may be struggling! I think the best part of Kirk Reads memoir is that he is candidly open and honest. It seems like he did not edit himself, and I love that. I find the best memoirs for me are the ones where the author simply tells you the truth! Regardless of what people may think. He showed us his exploration into sex, and love without editing himself. I find it courageous and important. It's important for someone reading this to understand the feelings they may be having are OK to explore and you don't have to attach shame to it. I saw a lot of myself in his story, and for that I'm drawn to it! A great read! I'm glad I picked it up for a second time!

[Tamryn · Rating 1 out of 5]

1/2 star for some adorable, tender moments. Another 1/2 star for quick wit and sassy gay voice.

4 stars deducted for: stereotyping groups of other people although the book is about him not wanting to be stereotyped for being gay; strange ordering of chapters which grew annoying: and persistent use of the phrase, "the the chagrin of..."

I'm not trying to trash the book, but I must be honest. You'll like the book if you can focus on the adorable, tender moments and the quick wit/sassy gay voice.

[Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are not enough stars!

How I Learned To Snap is a laugh-out-loud account of a boy's coming out experience in the South.
If you're gay, have lived in the south, or both, or none - you should read this book.

I had the pleasure of meeting Kirk Read and he signed my copy - it's priceless to me. He's a great guy and is either very humble, or has no idea what good things he's doing for today's gay youth.

[Sean Meriwether · Rating 4 out of 5]

If I were a rich philanthropist, I would ensure that every high school in America carried Mr. Read's book. Though he admits that his West Virginian coming out story is unique in that he had the support of his family and friends, his tale is a guide on how to begin the lifelong commitment to coming out. He recommends that you do not disappear from your hometown, but make appearances to allow the locals to know you as a gay adult, to answer questions and remove the mystery of gay life from the equation, and to be honest to your calling at all times. He also makes an appeal for more openly gay role models and understanding teachers who can answer questions of both gay and straight students. Each short chapter contains a lesson learned, including the title story, where an older gay teen shows him how to snap as means of saying, "I am not afraid." A must read for any gay teen and their parents.

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this! Years ago Pete McCommons reviewed this for the Flagpole, and I've been meaning to read it ever since. It was very evocative of the time when I was growing up, and familiar in that most of my close friends in high school were gay. His writing is entertaining, and he has a lot to say about what kinds of experiences gay kids need in order to grow up secure.

[Adam Hodgins · Rating 3 out of 5]

really funny in some parts, kind of dragged in others, maybe almost formulaic? but it was definitely nice to read about relationships between teenagers and older men that wasn't about abuse.

[august Shank · Rating 3 out of 5]

good book, very gay!

[Mediaman · Rating 2 out of 5]

The good news is that Meade Kirkpatrick Read is a very fine writer; the bad news is Kirk Read is a very horrible person. This book is filled with his rebellious, leftist, law-breaking homosexual life that all occurs before the age 18! He spends a lot of words (including a few really boring chapters that seem to be added to make him sound normal) justifying his early teen long-term sexual affairs with two older men, both of whom should have been arrested on the publication of this book. Read not only broke the law dozens (if not hundreds) of times, he lived a completely selfish life that he wants to brag about.

If you want a shining example of a gay coming of age story, this isn't it. If you want a perfect example of all that's wrong with an intolerant, bigoted, stereotyping homosexual who wants to allow little children to be sexually abused by older men (he mentions it being okay at age 12), then this is the memoir for those wanting to prove how anti-moral some in the gay community can be.

There is so much wrong with this life story it's shocking that it even was published since it on multiple pages promotes pedophilia as being a "normal" way for an early teen to explore his sexuality and encourages all parents to allow young children to "question their sexuality" freely with adults without providing any moral or practical guidance.

The author was a little rich kid whose dad was a lifelong military man Republican that was on his fourth marriage; his mother was almost two decades younger, ignored her husband and allowed her son to explore his sexually with men that were also two decades older. See a correlation? Young Read copied his mother in hungering for a much older man and in his rebellion against anything remotely traditional.

One of the major issues is that many of the stories in the book are just too clever to be true, with convenient endings that sound like something in a movie script. I'm not saying some of the things didn't occur, but they are all neatly packaged and exaggerated to his advantage. He has the standard creative non-fiction note at the front of the book that names and circumstances have been changed, but the text left me filled with incredulity. So many gay autobiographers use creative non-fiction spin to create stories to promote an agenda.

In this case the writer claims harassment by redneck school bullies occurred for years, calling him the gay f-word non-stop while teachers ignored every instance they witnessed. He had large groups of people constantly mocking him in public places. I worked in education for decades and never once heard the things he claims to have been spewed on him in his very upper-class school, nor did I ever see teachers refuse to step in when a student was bullied as bad as Read claims.

The author goes out of his way to put down conservatives, anyone religious, authority figures (except the hot older males), the military, and any rules whatsoever. He includes the standard anti-Reagan falsehood about how the 80s president "cost hundreds of thousands of lives" by not tackling the AIDS crisis sooner. In truth, Kirk Read, the reason many gay men died during that time was because they made bad choices regarding having sex without protection or commitment and should shoulder the responsibility for taking the risk of acquiring any sexually transmitted disease. The government is not the parent nor the automatic bailout to citizens making bad health choices.

He drinks freely from his early teens, smokes, does some drugs, drives illegally (drunk driving the same week he helps the mothers against drunk driving group), escapes his house in the middle of the night, lies non-stop, and does a whole lot of things that should have gotten him in big trouble. Instead his father acts ignorant (tired of raising other much older kids) and his mother thinks their son needs to learn about life by experience. Both of his parents should be ashamed of how they raised him to be a self-centered jerk who has plenty of compassion for young boys that want sex with adult males but zero interest in tolerance toward anyone else.

The writer promotes the acceptance of childhood sexual assault as being normal and without punishment. He even includes ridiculous meetings he had with a therapist who tells him at age 17 that he's the only "normal" one in his family that includes conservatives and born-again Christians. Right. If anything, this book is proof of Read's dramatic undiagnosed mental illness.

The author was a radical from his youth and uses this book to propagate his immoral views of life. He doesn't hide it, at one point saying it only takes one or two LGBT rebels to eventually turn a community on its head. He says that can be teacher, librarian, coach or student, and the point of the book appears to be to empower others to embrace his anti-moral behavior in order to hurt others and society. "The gay rights movement would be a lot more interesting if sixteen=year-olds were drafting press releases and mission statements for political organizations." Sorry, Kirk Read--know-it-all, intolerant, unintelligent, anti-representation teen radicals are the problem and not the solution.

Read spent most of his teen years penning voluminous diary entries, poems, and plays that dealt with his unusual addiction to sex with older men (resulting in him becoming a very good writer). The "snap" of the title deals with an older high school friend teaching him to snap in flamboyant gay style to rub his selfish attitude in others faces. But instead of "How I Learned to Snap," this should have been titled "How I Learned to Write Crap."

Some of us in or supportive of the gay community do not believe it's okay for 12-year-old boys to freely be used for sex by men that are two decades older and that parents should provide moral guidance for making good decisions that impact society. Someone needs to call Kirk Read (and others like him) on what this immoral propaganda really is.

Snap.

[MariNaomi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was initially reluctant to read this book. A small-town coming-out, coming-of-age story? I envisioned sad, perhaps violent stories, and braced myself going in. But I couldn't have been more wrong! The essays in this book (which blend nicely together to give you a nice overall picture of Kirk's young life) focuses on the good in people, the attempt to find one's self through trial and error, keeping a sharp sense of humor all along the way. On numerous occasions reading this book, I shed happy tears. I think every teenager should read this. (Adults will like it, too.)

[Chris Wallbruch · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is about his experiences in high school while growing up gay. I found a certain kinship with Read as we’re the same age. Life in the 80s and early 90s was not always kind to the gay population. Being gay was often seen as a campy joke complete with a limp wrist and lisp. The advent of AIDS added an extra layer of fear. Read navigated the waters of high school well, finding allies where he could and winning over those who weren’t. I enjoyed it!

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got this book as a Freebie when I went to a Leadership camp for GLBT and Straight Ally Student Leaders. I read it in a day, and it was an interesting story. Deals with a boy who figured he'd make waves by coming out in the Bible Belt South to his Christian, Military family but ended up having it be a non-event. A decent, non-victim story. Not life changing, but a light-ish read.

[Arin Brutlag · Rating 4 out of 5]

He was an absolute brat in high school, and he knew it, too. I didn't have that rebellious streak in high school--and I certainly wasn't brave enough to be out in my own small, conservative town--so I was a bit jealous, I suppose. I liked the format; the chapters are tiny snapshots and vignettes, which is interesting to see.

[Ana]

Kirk Read is a master at self-deprecating humor and addressing--with serious finesse--topics that would make my mother blush. If you ever have a chance to hear him read live, go, go, go. It's vastly entertaining.

[Ryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This quick read was quite delightful. For me, it was one of those laugh out loud books that I picked up after reading Eugenides' Middlesex. The title is one of the best I have seen recently. It's catchy and really quite fun to say.

"Kirk Read is the authentic man"

[Ed · Rating 5 out of 5]

So much way better than David Sedaris. Sedaris is from North Carolina, Read is from Virginia, but the story is similar. This is more of a young adult coming of age, coming out story than Sedaris' humor writing, but I like Kirk Read better.

[Erik · Rating 3 out of 5]

i liked it. it was a pretty easy read. the only problem i had was that it was more of a collection of anecdotes than i had expected. i also got annoyed with how read goes in no chronological order. his little stories jump from one grade and age to another.

[Jon Rybka · Rating 5 out of 5]

Seriously thought I was reading about my own life (well except the playwright thing....) -- He and I were born the same year and we grew up with the same issues and things. It was wonderful to know someone somewhere grew up just like me.

[Alvin · Rating 5 out of 5]

A sweet series of memoiristic essays about growing up gay and coming out that magically avoids cliche and "gay is good" cheerleading.

[kevin · Rating 4 out of 5]

not particularly linear and not consistently perfect as i know some of Kirk's performed pieces can be. a seemingly charmed life though one with dings and dents and detours along its path.

[Julia · Rating 2 out of 5]

Hard to get hold of this book. Author had interesting comments about his relationship, as a gay teenager, with adults.

[Bud Perry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely loved this book. Had me cracking up David Sedaris style, and had me shedding tears at one point.

[Robert · Rating 4 out of 5]

i was sobbing at the end. ugh. straight high school. boys. masculinity. teachers without thought.

[Roger · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun read

[Chiara Yaar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ok so although this book has a v weird opinion abt pedophilia, I realllyyyyyy enjoyed it. The writing is sharp and funny, the story is truly sweet and charming, and I can honestly say I’ve never read something quite like it. I truly recommend it

[Mason Henry · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed the writing style though I did sometimes get lost as far as timeline and setting. had a lot of good content but it was far too comfortable with accepting and even encouraging much older gay men dating teenagers for me to really endorse it or keep it on my shelf probably

[Sarah Cawlfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5