Overcoming Passive-Aggression: How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships, Career and Happiness

by Tim Murphy, Loriann Hoff Oberlin

In Overcoming Passive-Aggression , Dr. Tim Murphy and Loriann Hoff Oberlin provide an in-depth look at a topic we've all faced but haven't always Hidden anger. When people don't express their views and feel compelled to conceal their true beliefs and emotions, behaving in ways that don't match what they honestly think, there can be serious physical and psychological results for everyone involved. For the first time, Murphy and Oberlin offer a clear definition of passive-aggression and show readers not only how to end the behavior, but also how to avoid falling victim to other people's hidden anger. In clear, compassionate language, they cover everything from the childhood origins of the condition to the devastating effect it has on work and personal relationships to the latest research on the subject, and offer practical, proven strategies for the angry person as well as the individual who finds himself the target of someone else's passive-aggression.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Relationships, Reference, Nonfiction, Business, Management

256 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2005

About the author

Timothy Murphy is an American psychologist, author, and former politician. A Republican, he served as the U.S. Representative for Pennsylvania's 18th congressional district from 2003 until his resignation in 2017. Murphy co-wrote The Angry Child: Regaining Control When Your Child Is Out of Control. The Angry Child won the National Parenting Publications Award and was featured on Book TV, a program of C-SPAN.

Librarian's note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Reviews

[Becky · Rating 2 out of 5]

meh. I'm still pissed off.

[Izlinda · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was written in a clear style. While it had realistic scenarios of passive-aggressive situations/people, I wish they had more scenarios of realistically dealing with passive-aggressive people, like during the workplace chapter. It was good they added a chapter where passive-aggression can be part of a deeper problem, like ADHD and depression and such.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nonfiction 7

This was a great book and I wish I had read it more carefully. I assumed the book was more of a how-to manual for dealing with passive aggressive people (not that I know any :) ), but it was more about how to address your personal passive-aggression. However, I think reading about psychological disorders makes it seem as though everyone is somewhere on the gradient of being crazy. There was some information that was very practical about not being the enabler in a relationship, that I find very helpful. It didn't have as much information as I'd hoped, but I think I had a very high expectation. It was a terrific book and I would recommend it to anyone that feels as though they have this problem or know someone who does and do not know how to react to it.

[Natalie · Rating 2 out of 5]

There were a few useful bits of information, but mostly this was a book filled with useless little example stories of annoying people, without much about how to actually deal with said annoying people.

Was that passive-aggressive?

[Loriann Oberlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Overcoming Passive-Aggression: How to Stop Hidden Anger From Spoiling Your Relationships, Career and Happiness is still one of the few all-encompassing books on a topic that we all encounter in various facets of our lives.

So often, clients I see in clinical practice, and people that I meet wherever I go really, do not fully understand the concept. That's why my co-author and I took careful time to fully define and outline the behavior and section the book into chapters that can be easily read for a person's particular needs.

I would encourage you to read Part One: What is Passive-Aggression and Why Is It So Bad? fully and then delve into parts two and three as needed.

In the first section, you will gain an understanding of the problems associated with concealing emotion, including the myriad of negative health consequences. You'll also have an opportunity to look back at your own childhood and see -- for better or for worse -- how your family of origin handled anger. Rest assured, whatever the legacy, it's had an impact on how you handle these feelings today.

If you are the angry person harboring pent-up emotion, this book will help you. If you are the person who copes with a loved one, spouse, child, parent, sibling, co-worker, boss or any other person who hides anger, you will especially appreciate the avenues out of your own frustration associated with passive-aggressive behavior.

Please visit and "like" the Facebook page dedicated to this book: www.facebook.com/OvercomingPassiveAgg.... Weekly you'll find posts featuring articles, cartoons, and other useful information.

[Tai Truong · Rating 4 out of 5]

Plenty of books have been written about passive aggression but this is one of very few books that actually offer practical tips on how to handle passive aggression other than the general rule that you should hold firm and not submit to being passive aggressive yourself when dealing with someone who is passive aggressive. Now, the difference between this book and the hundreds of other books that's been written on the subject matter is that instead of treating people like they are "problems" or merely handling the symptom, this book advocates that you look within yourself and see if, perhaps, you may be the one perpetuating the passive aggression to begin with and that your "problem person" is merely mirroring what you are doing yourself.

I highly recommend this book to anyone for your personal use and especially for the workplace, as we all know that besides home, work is a close runner up where you would encounter the most passive aggression with people.

[Hannah · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are some interesting parts of this book but it was difficult to glean the application and overcoming parts that were promised. The book is full of examples of passive-aggressive behaviors but I don't think most readers need help identifying that behavior if they are reading this book.

[Caroline · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a great book... I hope it helps.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

Passive-Agression is a condition I have seen a number of times in my coaching clients and with others I have known, past and present. The condition is defined as hidden vs. overt anger and takes many forms, including:

Indirect, incongruent and unproductive behavior
Subtle, manipulative actions or inactivity
Conscious or unconscious planned, intentional or slyly vindictive behavior, motivated by the intent to hurt, annoy or destroy others

This behavior, never positive, is triggered by needs that have not been met. This self-defeating approach to life generally starts in childhood and is carried over into adulthood as a misguided way of dealing with life's problems and dilemmas. The authors, Tim Murphy and Loriann Hoff Oberlin, describe in-depth what passive-aggression is and why concealed emotions are so bad for everyone involved. They outline where it manifests itself most, at work and school as well as in families and relationships. Finally, they delve into how to recognize it and how to deal with it, both from the perspective of the angry individuals themselves as well as the targets of their camouflaged ire.

If you read this book, you will readily identify people you know and even love and are provided with some specific concrete steps in how to help yourself and your angry protagonist. The writing is pretty basic and tends to plod a little, but learning the basics of a condition that we all encounter (and may even employ ourselves at times), makes it a worthwhile read.

[Geoff · Rating 5 out of 5]

Talk about a rough read. The entire time I was reading this, I kept thinking back to that phrase from the 2001 movie A Knight's Tale: "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting." Please don't get me wrong, it wasn't solely from this book or the last few that I've read that this thought process stems from, trust me. It's something I've been struggling with for the past year and a half and as much as I've improved, I knew I was still struggling with myriad issues.

I mentioned when I wrote about  Crucial Conversations that I'd had one recently and that the feedback I got hurt like hell but was something that I needed to hear. And honestly I can't thank that person enough for having the candor to tell me what they did and spurring me to take a long look at myself. Again, don't get me completely wrong I've not been hiding that I'm a horrible person, but I've definitely struggled for some time and after reading this I'm wondering how long I've been struggling and not knowing or, more than likely, not admitting it.

Click here to continue reading on my blog The Oddness of Moving Things.

[Cynthia Phillips · Rating 2 out of 5]

Tim Murphy is an expert in anger. By this, I mean that he has a lifetime of experience being one of the angriest, most hostile people on the planet. He is apparently "retired" from his work with Congress due to his incessant angry outbursts and abuse of staff members. And an extramarital affair thrown in to the mix as well. For real. Google "Tim Murphy PhD" to read it for yourself.

Why 2 stars instead of 1? Well, his statements are not necessarily wrong, just majorly hypocritical. He loses points for fat shaming though.

[Mária Kadlecová · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has helped my as a good starting point on my journey to minimse impact of my passive agressive behaviour on my own work and private relationships.

I remeber in various described situations I have recognized myself (and some of my close people) and realized where it can lead down the road, if I do not correct my behaviour.

I encourage everyone to start be more open with your feelings - first time is the hardest, from then it gets only easier.

[Claudio · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book helped me understand the difference between assertive, silent, anger, and passive-aggressive. It gave me a new prospective on what being angry means and how to express that in a better, more productive and assertive way.

Very actionable book with plenty of examples.

[Amy Skaggs · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful book, also appreciated the description of personality disorders in the appendix

[George · Rating 3 out of 5]

Had hard time following from chapter to chapter, information presented did make sense.

[Amy]

I haven't actually read this book. I'm going to! But in one review it says the book says that the passive aggressive person is only mirroring passive aggression in yourself. That may be hard to accept, but it might actually be true.

There are lots of books about 'case studies' and 'how to identify' a passive-aggressive person, but not much practical 'how-to' advice. It sounds like this book could be different!

My husband ignored me for 3 weeks, then last night came home and started talking. I was *this* close to completely sabotaging his attempt to repair the damage, so I wanted to tell you guys about what happened so it'll be helpful to you.

How to break the silence of him (/her) ignoring you

First off, in the course of finally opening up and talking to me about what'd been bothering him, since he doesn't have any friends or family he can talk to, but he wanted to talk to someone, he said he went to a fortune teller we often see outside a big train station here. If your husband (/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend) doesn't talk to anyone else who'll kind of 'scare' him (/her) into being communicative (apparently this fortune teller insisted 'She's leaving! She's going to leave you! You're only thinking about what I've told you, you're not going to do it, are you?') then I think it might still work for YOU to approach him (or her), very very gently and calmly, and maybe say something like 'I know I've done something very wrong to upset you, and I'm sorry, but I don't know what it was... I promise not to get mad and blame you, so could you tell me what upset you?' I know you think it's not fair, that HE's the one ignoring YOU, that you haven't done anything wrong, but just trust me on this. (Oh, and it might be good to do this after you've both eaten something and can be less reactive - just from personal experience.)

Now for how to behave to positively facilitate communication.

Before he came home, I was sitting out on the stoop thinking of all the things he'd done that were unacceptable to me - I was going to tell him that I cannot stand him punching holes in the walls, or throwing and breaking things, or grumbling negatively in bed to make me wake up, or him drinking too much and then acting sick or like he's passing out just to get me to 'help' him.... I wanted to demand he stop all those childish behaviors.

But then when he walked in I happened to be reading a book, desperately trying to scan the pages for some last-minute help, when I found this paragraph and a sentence I'd underlined a year or two ago (the first sentence): (The book was 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle.)

"The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance or your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over. There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and accused. This is also the end of codependency, of being drawn into somebody else's unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate - in love - or move ever more deeply into the Now together - into Being. Can it be that simple? Yes, it is that simple."

Also I remembered Tolle's advice from a YouTube video to keep some of your consciousness always focused in your body - don't give it all away to the person you're listening to, so that you're blown this way and that. So I was listening to my husband speak, but only like 70 or 80% - and was peacefully and calmly remaining aware of my body and my self the other 30 or 20%.

So 1. keep part of your attention relaxed in your body, and 2. repeat to yourself 'complete acceptance of him', and 'don't blame or change him'. Also, for me, two things that helped me accept what he was saying instead of insisting on my side of the story, were that first, his voice was shaking and I could tell it was really a huge effort he was making to finally talk to me, so I needed to really be there and listen well. The other was that I remembered how awful and manipulative his mom is, and how he had to grow up with her, and how I need to show him that people can be different from her, so he doesn't have to use the same, unhelpful survival strategies he used as a kid.

He brought up three or four situations right away, that had preceded the 3 weeks of him ignoring me, in which he had sensed that I was upset about something, and had felt me withdraw, in which he felt hurt or blamed. These were situations where I had been angry at him but had not calmly told him at the time why I felt angry; instead I'd just left the situation and kind of internally focused on not going to him, since I felt I couldn't trust him to be relied upon to care.

One was when I had a terrible splitting headache and asked him to massage my neck. (He's great at it.) He'd been drinking though, so I asked him if he really didn't mind. I said I'd rather he not do it at all if he couldn't do it properly, since the time or two or three before this, he'd been in a hurry and not focused at all and it was just painful. He insisted he could do it, came to me, and then just started like, poking my neck, like it was a game or something. I was in serious, serious pain and he was playing around - it really hurt that he didn't care about trying to help me when I needed him - so I frustratedly told him to just forget about it and withdrew from him - aha! I'd been passive aggressive BEFORE he had!

The next morning I had a doctor's appointment and was looking up how to get there online. He asked me what I was doing and I said lightly, though trying to look friendly, 'nothing' - because I still didn't trust him to care about it, since I'd felt I was dying of pain the night before and he hadn't given a shit about that. He sensed I was avoiding him. (again, I thought he wouldn't, but he did.) That's when he punched a hole in the wall and broke a glass in the sink, damaging the sink as well.

Another situation he mentioned was when we stopped at the dry cleaners. I had the card for the place in my wallet and gave it to him. He tried to give it back to me and I said 'No, you keep it. I don't need it anymore.' I wasn't going to drop off and pick up and pay for dry cleaning anymore for someone who didn't care about me when I was desperately in pain, and who scared me with their violent anger. He eventually kept the card, again noticing what it meant, even though I didn't think he would.

Another time, we'd gone to an art gallery to see a piece of work his sister'd done. I asked him to ask the staff what a particular piece of Japanese calligraphy meant - he said 'Why don't you ask?' - I said that they'd be weird with me since I'm a foreigner, but couldn't he do it?.. I thought it was a simple request, and apparently didn't accept that he didn't want to do it. After we got outside the gallery, he looked really angry. He didn't say so at the time, but he'd felt that I'd forced him to do it. At the time I'd said 'You didn't have to do it if you were going to get so angry about it.' and he'd stalked off and put his head down on a cafeteria table, ignoring me for over an hour.

In each situation, I could have calmly talked about it; tried to make him see how important it was to me; tried to make him see it from my point of view; and in some of the situations, I thought I'd done that (albeit simply.); but in other situations it was too troublesome, and I didn't think he'd listen; so I just withdrew, thinking he wouldn't notice, but he had.

I don't know what will happen with us. I don't know if we will change. But at least I finally see that I had a part in it. I was holding onto a grudge instead of talking it out with him; I wasn't taking responsibility in some way, and he sensed that. I hope we can manage to communicate better, without blaming, without trying to change each other, and by staying grounded, present in our bodies, not lost in our egos. If we can do that, it'd be a good start.

I hope this is helpful to someone. Try to not to think too much about it, about what your partner's done wrong - none of that will help, really. Just do whatever you have to do to be able to be and stay calm and accepting, then talk to each other. CALMLY. Accept what they say. Don't blame them, don't try to change them. Keep part of your consciousness relaxed, focusing on your body so you don't get swept away by your ego, which says, "Yeah, but you....!" And maybe get this book. And the Eckhart Tolle one too. : )

[Socrate · Rating 3 out of 5]

După mai mult de douăzeci şi cinci de ani de când practic psihologia, multă lume mă întreabă cum se împacă această profesie cu activitatea mea ca membru al Camerei Reprezentanţilor din Congresul Statelor Unite. Dincolo de dificultăţile şi de marea satisfacţie pe care le am în munca mea, cele două roluri nu sunt chiar atât de diferite. Lucrând ca psiholog, i-am ascultat adeseori pe oameni spunându-şi ofurile şi am fost de multe ori chemat să mediez disensiunile din familie. Congresul îşi are şi el partea lui de gâlceavă, dar, atunci când participanţii împărtăşesc scopul comun al rezolvării problemelor, această instituţie funcţionează la parametrii săi optimi. Dar oricine poate deveni disfuncţional destul de repede, dacă urmăreşte să lovească, să distrugă sau să facă în vreun alt fel viaţa grea altcuiva. Şi exact atunci se defectează sistemul. O parte a publicului are impresia că la Washington există mult prea multă înverşunare şi meschinărie. Nu pot să neg acest lucru. Este adevărat. Majoritatea celor de la Washington chiar încearcă să facă o treabă bună, în ciuda faptului că nu întotdeauna cad de acord asupra modului în care trebuie procedat.

[Annette · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quotes:
"Chronically depressed people are short of empathy because they're too busy feeling sorry for themselves." (Eeyore) (p. 46-47)

Notes:
"Silent refusal to discuss what's bothering [me] while preferring to wallow in self-pity
confusing feelings with fact
"I'm angry so I don't need to talk about it anymore."
or
"I feel; therefore, it is so."

Destructive self-talk - irrational beliefs
complaining, blaming, projecting/displacing emotion, whining, denial, feigning innocence, letting self off hook/rationalizing

Undoing or softening (just kidding; I was only...)

Cycle of addiction to approval
Seek = reject intimacy at the same time
"What can I do to make you love someone as unlovable as me?"
Intimacy = sharing and receiving 100% of a loved one's true self

[Rich · Rating 2 out of 5]

There seems to be a good amount of useful information here but it’s presented in a way that makes it difficult to figure out what the main takeaway or practical application should be.

I skimmed and skipped around with this book and I recommend just looking at all the tables throughout the book for validation or behavioral recommendations.

[Monica · Rating 2 out of 5]

Choppy and superficial.

[Verónica Watt · Rating 2 out of 5]

No pude terminarlo, es muy desprolijo, desordenado y poco claro. Soy psicóloga y me pareció estar leyendo un artículo de revista mal hecho.

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This has a lot of over-obvious stuff in it. Couldn't have read it if it weren't "no tv week" at my house. But there were enough little nuggets of helpful truth in it to give it 2 stars.

[Brendygirl · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wrote a 3 paragraph review for how validating and informative this book is with checklists and coping strategies, but it didn't save, so too bad.

[Leabelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a good tool for those encountering passive aggression in their lives.

[Rikke]

Dnf.