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Conquer Me: Girl-To-Girl Wisdom About Fulfilling Your Submissive Desires
Submissive women have needs just like anybody else. But how can a woman get her needs met when she's relinquished her power to her dominant partner?
With warmth, wisdom and a down-to-earth approach, experienced submissive Kacie Cunningham analyzes the realities of the dominant-submissive lifestyle and suggests ways in which both partners can experience the greatest possible growth and pleasure.
At the heart of the book is an emotion Kacie has dubbed "Conquer Me" -- which she defines as "the submissive's internal demand for a show of strength." Without a clear understanding of "conquer me," both submissive and dominant may find themselves at odds -- either fighting unhappily, or watching the passion ebb from their relationship. This book explains this unique need and how to get it met -- essential knowledge for any submissive or couple who wants to get the most out of their D/s lifestyle.
With warmth, wisdom and a down-to-earth approach, experienced submissive Kacie Cunningham analyzes the realities of the dominant-submissive lifestyle and suggests ways in which both partners can experience the greatest possible growth and pleasure.
At the heart of the book is an emotion Kacie has dubbed "Conquer Me" -- which she defines as "the submissive's internal demand for a show of strength." Without a clear understanding of "conquer me," both submissive and dominant may find themselves at odds -- either fighting unhappily, or watching the passion ebb from their relationship. This book explains this unique need and how to get it met -- essential knowledge for any submissive or couple who wants to get the most out of their D/s lifestyle.
183 pages, Paperback
First published April 1, 2010
127 people are currently reading
961 people want to read
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April 26, 2013When I read a book that teaches me something I can usually say what I’ve been taught. But that’s not the case for Kacie Cunningham’s Conquer Me: girl to girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires. Maybe the thing I understood after reading this book that I didn’t understand before is that “submissives” exist—self-identified, self-conscious, tribes of them.
Before I read Conquer Me the inner lives of lifestyle female submissives seemed alien to me. I knew a couple of these creatures from a distance, but could only imagine them as being confused about what they wanted.
Submission is a part of sexuality, I understood that, but my model of the psyche would only let it be the sprinkles on the frosting on the cake—not the cake itself. For me D/s flashes up briefly and occasionally and that’s all of the relationship style I care to inhabit. So of course I did that thing we humans do and identified the little dot of how-it-is-for-me as the whole mural of what it’s like to be human.
Kacie Cunningham, though, knows she’s submissive and knows she exists and understands her own flourishing, and is compelling on all these points. She has looked into the puzzle of her own sexuality both deeply and with a good deal of practical sense. She knows, if only because the huge popularity of bodice-ripping romance novels tells her as much, that there are millions of women who get their wet on by some variant of the drama of being conquered.
But does that fantasy need to remain unexpressed and indirectly satisfied? What if occasional bedroom play only begins to touch one’s urge to submit? What would it be like to have a relationship that supported submissive desire such that it could be extended into the more mundane corners of life? How are such lives arranged? What are the obstacles and pitfalls that couples run into when they extend this dynamic outside the bedroom?
This is a book about “consensual neo-slavery” that explores those questions from the point of view of a heterosexual female submissive—one who has a job and children, as well as a “Master.”
In one way this book is like every other relationship book you’ve ever read: Her point of points is that it’s all about communication. On the surface that seems a paradox. If one person in the relationship gets to call the shots and the other takes pleasure in having the shots called, you might wonder what there is to talk about. Kacie Cunningham understands that this is a paradox, but she also has a lot of lived experience working within the intricacies of voluntary submission. So she pulls apart the whole topping-from-the-bottom issue, and gives a lot of examples from a lot of different situations about how to communicate submissive desires. Doms aren’t mind readers, she insists, so “when you make the mistake of assuming that your partner sees you the way you see yourself, you’re doing both of you a disservice.”
The tone of the book is that of an older but still vital woman of the tribe, deep with experience-based wisdom, sharing how it is with daughters of the tribe who have already recognized themselves as more wired for surrender than the other girls with whom they work in the maize garden. She’s straightforward, open, well-informed, not at all condescending, admittedly fallible, and casually explicit. She’s also aware of the dangers of the D/s dynamic, such as that an abusive relationship can masquerade as a kinky one. She pauses on such points and takes the time to explain how to make the relevant distinctions.
As the girls take in what the elder has to say shame lifts, possibilities open, and sexual-expression based on self-knowledge starts to seem possible. There are still mistakes to be made, but the future seems less uncharted and their erotic-identities more dignified, fun, and human.
Before I read Conquer Me the inner lives of lifestyle female submissives seemed alien to me. I knew a couple of these creatures from a distance, but could only imagine them as being confused about what they wanted.
Submission is a part of sexuality, I understood that, but my model of the psyche would only let it be the sprinkles on the frosting on the cake—not the cake itself. For me D/s flashes up briefly and occasionally and that’s all of the relationship style I care to inhabit. So of course I did that thing we humans do and identified the little dot of how-it-is-for-me as the whole mural of what it’s like to be human.
Kacie Cunningham, though, knows she’s submissive and knows she exists and understands her own flourishing, and is compelling on all these points. She has looked into the puzzle of her own sexuality both deeply and with a good deal of practical sense. She knows, if only because the huge popularity of bodice-ripping romance novels tells her as much, that there are millions of women who get their wet on by some variant of the drama of being conquered.
But does that fantasy need to remain unexpressed and indirectly satisfied? What if occasional bedroom play only begins to touch one’s urge to submit? What would it be like to have a relationship that supported submissive desire such that it could be extended into the more mundane corners of life? How are such lives arranged? What are the obstacles and pitfalls that couples run into when they extend this dynamic outside the bedroom?
This is a book about “consensual neo-slavery” that explores those questions from the point of view of a heterosexual female submissive—one who has a job and children, as well as a “Master.”
In one way this book is like every other relationship book you’ve ever read: Her point of points is that it’s all about communication. On the surface that seems a paradox. If one person in the relationship gets to call the shots and the other takes pleasure in having the shots called, you might wonder what there is to talk about. Kacie Cunningham understands that this is a paradox, but she also has a lot of lived experience working within the intricacies of voluntary submission. So she pulls apart the whole topping-from-the-bottom issue, and gives a lot of examples from a lot of different situations about how to communicate submissive desires. Doms aren’t mind readers, she insists, so “when you make the mistake of assuming that your partner sees you the way you see yourself, you’re doing both of you a disservice.”
The tone of the book is that of an older but still vital woman of the tribe, deep with experience-based wisdom, sharing how it is with daughters of the tribe who have already recognized themselves as more wired for surrender than the other girls with whom they work in the maize garden. She’s straightforward, open, well-informed, not at all condescending, admittedly fallible, and casually explicit. She’s also aware of the dangers of the D/s dynamic, such as that an abusive relationship can masquerade as a kinky one. She pauses on such points and takes the time to explain how to make the relevant distinctions.
As the girls take in what the elder has to say shame lifts, possibilities open, and sexual-expression based on self-knowledge starts to seem possible. There are still mistakes to be made, but the future seems less uncharted and their erotic-identities more dignified, fun, and human.
March 11, 2022
This is a wonderful read, with most of it being for readers who have a basic idea of bdsm and D/s relationships. It is not like there aren’t several other titles that give similar information (e.g. Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism), but Conquer Me focuses completely on female submissives and does so in a positive way.
Although the book includes a lot about the dynamics between a dominant and a submissive partner, I love that Kacie Cunningham emphasizes in different chapters that being submissive is something very positive and fulfilling. This should actually be a no-brainer, but discovering your sexual needs can be scary if they appear to be different from what others seem to enjoy. Kacie Cunningham deals with many of these issues in a distinct way by showing that communication and trust within the relationship are key to happiness. Even though she discusses several topics, communication, the willingness to try something and trust appear to be most important for her. I enjoyed this book a lot and loved its positive messages. 5 out of 5 stars.
Although the book includes a lot about the dynamics between a dominant and a submissive partner, I love that Kacie Cunningham emphasizes in different chapters that being submissive is something very positive and fulfilling. This should actually be a no-brainer, but discovering your sexual needs can be scary if they appear to be different from what others seem to enjoy. Kacie Cunningham deals with many of these issues in a distinct way by showing that communication and trust within the relationship are key to happiness. Even though she discusses several topics, communication, the willingness to try something and trust appear to be most important for her. I enjoyed this book a lot and loved its positive messages. 5 out of 5 stars.
November 5, 2012
As a woman finding her submission. This book was the perfect tool to help me understand and come to terms with being submissive. I really enjoyed it.
December 10, 2024
It’s not “bad”, but there are some issues.
In general it has good information and some interesting ways of looking at submission (even if you’re a pancake!). However the book is extremely focus on cis het dynamics with a female submissive. There’s nothing wrong with this, and the author points out that this is her experience and encourages the reader to adjust pronouns when necessity. That’s great, but isn’t it on the writer to make their book to be inclusive and accessible? It feels very lazy and is frankly both distracting and misses out of being able to have some really great conversations.
Read it with a gain of salt.
In general it has good information and some interesting ways of looking at submission (even if you’re a pancake!). However the book is extremely focus on cis het dynamics with a female submissive. There’s nothing wrong with this, and the author points out that this is her experience and encourages the reader to adjust pronouns when necessity. That’s great, but isn’t it on the writer to make their book to be inclusive and accessible? It feels very lazy and is frankly both distracting and misses out of being able to have some really great conversations.
Read it with a gain of salt.
September 7, 2012
A MUST read for little letter people and their Big letter people.
February 12, 2025
This is a “take what you need” book. Some chapters didn’t apply to me but were still good information. The book mostly deals with things like communication, a submission attitude, what to do if the dynamic is a little unbalanced, how to express unfulfilled needs, things of that nature. It is a lighter read on the subject, but definitely informative and helpful.
One of my favorite quotes is from a dom talking about how to treat his sub saying he wants to “exalt her in her submission, and use it to help raise her up.” The point being that both sub and dom are important and worthy. And when the two embrace their roles, they will exalt one another.
This is actually a great read for both subs and doms. It can help a dom better understand his sub.
One of my favorite quotes is from a dom talking about how to treat his sub saying he wants to “exalt her in her submission, and use it to help raise her up.” The point being that both sub and dom are important and worthy. And when the two embrace their roles, they will exalt one another.
This is actually a great read for both subs and doms. It can help a dom better understand his sub.
April 13, 2014
- How kinky?
Well, yes, it's about D/s. But there's no sex in here, so it depends what you deem kinky. Cunningham does try to bring every discussion back to D/s as often as possible. Even in the chapters on "vanilla" subjects, like communication, and interpersonal relations, she brings it all around again and shows you how it's done in a D/s context.
- How sexy?
There's no sex in here. This is a book written from the point of view of a romantically involved subbie, but she doesn't go into the BDSM side of things.
- How informative?
Very! I found myself highlighting passages on my Kindle just because they were so eloquent and succinct. I am even planning to go through and write some of these gems up onto post-its, and using them as daily affirmations/meditations. True, the book covers basic ground, but it's such basic ground that even the most experienced couple will find something they've forgotten, or something crucial that is worded in such a way as to strike a real chord with them. It's really an amazing self-help book for subbies and D/s couples.
- How engaging?
Very. As I said, I learned so much that I always wanted to pick it back up so I could see what Cunningham would cover next.
- How well executed?
Very. Cunningham is clearly a talented writer. As mentioned, she writes eloquently and beautifully, and puts her points across in such a way that she is always understood. She uses a quite conversational style, and brings her own personality into her writing, so that she doesn't ever sound like a stuffy psycho-babble self-help "guru". She just sounds like your older, more experienced slave-sister, helping you along with things you didn't even realise needed clarification.
- Negatives?
The subtitle. Got to be honest here - the subtitle is awful. Seriously - girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires? Sounds like a D/s Cosmo magazine article. I actually bought this title ages ago, and put off reading it because the subtitle was so awful, I thought the book would be awful too. Please don't let it put you off! It was probably the publisher's idea - or that's what I choose to believe anyway.
- Overall reaction
Great book, well written, clear, concise and intelligent. Covers a lot of ground that is really basic stuff for D/s relationships - really a lot of "vanilla" stuff, if you like - so that's the only reason I'm marking it down from five to four.
CHECK OUT MY OTHER REVIEWS: http://dirtyfilthybookslut.blogspot.com
Well, yes, it's about D/s. But there's no sex in here, so it depends what you deem kinky. Cunningham does try to bring every discussion back to D/s as often as possible. Even in the chapters on "vanilla" subjects, like communication, and interpersonal relations, she brings it all around again and shows you how it's done in a D/s context.
- How sexy?
There's no sex in here. This is a book written from the point of view of a romantically involved subbie, but she doesn't go into the BDSM side of things.
- How informative?
Very! I found myself highlighting passages on my Kindle just because they were so eloquent and succinct. I am even planning to go through and write some of these gems up onto post-its, and using them as daily affirmations/meditations. True, the book covers basic ground, but it's such basic ground that even the most experienced couple will find something they've forgotten, or something crucial that is worded in such a way as to strike a real chord with them. It's really an amazing self-help book for subbies and D/s couples.
- How engaging?
Very. As I said, I learned so much that I always wanted to pick it back up so I could see what Cunningham would cover next.
- How well executed?
Very. Cunningham is clearly a talented writer. As mentioned, she writes eloquently and beautifully, and puts her points across in such a way that she is always understood. She uses a quite conversational style, and brings her own personality into her writing, so that she doesn't ever sound like a stuffy psycho-babble self-help "guru". She just sounds like your older, more experienced slave-sister, helping you along with things you didn't even realise needed clarification.
- Negatives?
The subtitle. Got to be honest here - the subtitle is awful. Seriously - girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires? Sounds like a D/s Cosmo magazine article. I actually bought this title ages ago, and put off reading it because the subtitle was so awful, I thought the book would be awful too. Please don't let it put you off! It was probably the publisher's idea - or that's what I choose to believe anyway.
- Overall reaction
Great book, well written, clear, concise and intelligent. Covers a lot of ground that is really basic stuff for D/s relationships - really a lot of "vanilla" stuff, if you like - so that's the only reason I'm marking it down from five to four.
CHECK OUT MY OTHER REVIEWS: http://dirtyfilthybookslut.blogspot.com
January 12, 2026
Mixed feelings - overall the book presents some very useful information on D/s relationships and helpful insight into submissives' desires and motivations. However it was directed primarily at those looking to incorporate D/s or Master/slave into their relationships OUTSIDE of just bedroom or playtime, and especially those who already have experience with power exchange relationships. Thus there's little here for the (significantly larger) community of bedroom-only submissives, and not much detail on why sexually submissive people may chose (or move closer to) full-time power exchange dynamics. Some of her examples are a bit extreme and without further context, may be a turn-off for those who aren't looking to be property.
As other reviewers mentioned, it feels lazy that she put zero effort into making this book inclusive for anything other than heterosexual male Dom/female sub relationships - couldn't even do the bare minimum of using neutral pronouns or titles instead of always calling subs 'she/her' and Doms 'he/him'. Also, I REALLY did not appreciate her use of the word 'bitch' more than once to describe other women, such as subs topping from the bottom.
As other reviewers mentioned, it feels lazy that she put zero effort into making this book inclusive for anything other than heterosexual male Dom/female sub relationships - couldn't even do the bare minimum of using neutral pronouns or titles instead of always calling subs 'she/her' and Doms 'he/him'. Also, I REALLY did not appreciate her use of the word 'bitch' more than once to describe other women, such as subs topping from the bottom.
March 23, 2018
Good book with some good information. On the basic/newbie side of things, which is good for newbies. Didn't get as much out of it as I hoped, but agreed with a lot of her points.
Wasn't able to relate to the plethora of "know how to communicate" information, as I married my best friend and we communicate beautifully, but I know not everyone does/is able to do that.
Hopefully anyone interested in D/s will check this out to learn some stuff and not think that crap like 50 Shades is actually BDSM. **Shudders**
Wasn't able to relate to the plethora of "know how to communicate" information, as I married my best friend and we communicate beautifully, but I know not everyone does/is able to do that.
Hopefully anyone interested in D/s will check this out to learn some stuff and not think that crap like 50 Shades is actually BDSM. **Shudders**
July 17, 2018
helpful guide
This book was recommended by my One, and as soon as I finish this review I will notify Him. Conquer Me helped me to see and accept the shortcomings in my previous D/s relationships as well as solidify want I hope for in the future. Many aspects of D/s are discussed openly and comfortably in these pages. Hopefully you will also find help and guidance within.
This book was recommended by my One, and as soon as I finish this review I will notify Him. Conquer Me helped me to see and accept the shortcomings in my previous D/s relationships as well as solidify want I hope for in the future. Many aspects of D/s are discussed openly and comfortably in these pages. Hopefully you will also find help and guidance within.
August 22, 2019
Read it while being new to power exchange. Learned a lot about myself. I think there might be better books out there, but it's easy to follow and easy to read. A little heavy on the examples sometimes, but not annoyingly so.
April 17, 2021
Interesting to learn about "conquer me feelings", which describes the mood a submissive goes into when her needs are not being met.
I have a lot more research to do, but this book showed me that submission might be in my future.
I have a lot more research to do, but this book showed me that submission might be in my future.
April 27, 2025
So that you don't have to deal with the author's condescending tone towards other women (bc yes, she refers to them as "bitches" at least twice): the key to any relationship, SM-related or otherwise, is to ~communicate~
July 23, 2018
This book was amazing
August 4, 2018
Lifestyle required reading in my opinion. It was very helpful to me.
October 1, 2019
Enjoyed her expressions and point of view on this subject.
Read
April 27, 2020Decent read.
Very Educational about the psychology of D/s relationships. Well written and easy to read. Very good lessons in communication and openness in relationships
Very Educational about the psychology of D/s relationships. Well written and easy to read. Very good lessons in communication and openness in relationships
April 29, 2021
The forward alone by Jay Wiseman of SM 101 fame, was well worth reading.
I found the authors writing clear, entertaining, honest and informative.
So much that resonated with me and educated me as a submissive.
I found the authors writing clear, entertaining, honest and informative.
So much that resonated with me and educated me as a submissive.
May 10, 2021
Informative
This is a really good read for any one considering a d/s relationship or dynamic. This is a good resource of both doms and subs.
This is a really good read for any one considering a d/s relationship or dynamic. This is a good resource of both doms and subs.
June 11, 2022
Meh. It’s a decent overview of power dynamics however it’s really geared towards master/slave types
January 17, 2024
Maybe more of a 2.5
March 13, 2025
If you are in the lifestyle I highly recommend this book. I learned so much from this book about myself and what I want from my dynamic. Highly recommend!!
February 28, 2017
Loved this book. Very helpful!
May 22, 2015
Conquer me is easily one of the best books I have read in terms of relationships both interdependent and independent. The lifestyle can be challenging to navigate even at the best of times, and having experience it in both positions [Dominant and Submissive] I found this book to be provoking, clear, engaging and educational.
Kacie Cunningham breaks everything down, and for me left no stone unturned when it comes to the foundational principles, practices and opinions of being a Submissive and the lifestyle. I loved the chapter on communication and Fantasy vs. reality which has been a continuous concern of mine over the years, especially as a submissive woman. I also enjoyed the frequent questions she poses and underlined many pages, slipping my own view points and extra questions into the margins.
I think this book is one every woman should own, whether you want to engage in the BDSM life of not, it goes into the fundamentals of a healthy relationship and she encourages you to first look at yourself, and work on your wants and needs, and then come to the scene. Because you cannot give someone what you aren’t ready to offer or negotiate if you aren’t aware of what you are negotiating. I also think its integral; truth, communication, receptivity and patience, and Kacie emphasizes that we want to be in a healthy relationship, not an abusive one.
I would highly recommend this book, for beginners, submissive, slaves, dominants and anyone wanting to reevaluate their relationship with themselves, and with others on clear, and realistic terms. It is meant to be enjoyable, and an experience of growth and expansion. I will be using this book time and time again to reference, and to Kacie’s wisdom to guide me through my own journey back into Submissive BDSM.
Kacie Cunningham breaks everything down, and for me left no stone unturned when it comes to the foundational principles, practices and opinions of being a Submissive and the lifestyle. I loved the chapter on communication and Fantasy vs. reality which has been a continuous concern of mine over the years, especially as a submissive woman. I also enjoyed the frequent questions she poses and underlined many pages, slipping my own view points and extra questions into the margins.
I think this book is one every woman should own, whether you want to engage in the BDSM life of not, it goes into the fundamentals of a healthy relationship and she encourages you to first look at yourself, and work on your wants and needs, and then come to the scene. Because you cannot give someone what you aren’t ready to offer or negotiate if you aren’t aware of what you are negotiating. I also think its integral; truth, communication, receptivity and patience, and Kacie emphasizes that we want to be in a healthy relationship, not an abusive one.
I would highly recommend this book, for beginners, submissive, slaves, dominants and anyone wanting to reevaluate their relationship with themselves, and with others on clear, and realistic terms. It is meant to be enjoyable, and an experience of growth and expansion. I will be using this book time and time again to reference, and to Kacie’s wisdom to guide me through my own journey back into Submissive BDSM.
July 15, 2011
I thought this book was great, as far as it went. Be advised that it is primarily for women who want to be submissive in their relationships, not just in the bedroom. Which is fine, but the author didn't really make it all that clear that 1. that's who this book is for and 2. just because you're submissive sexually doesn't mean you have to be submissive outside the bedroom.
That said, this book has a lot of great, very practical advice, and is written in an engaging, accessible (and often funny) tone. I also loved the concept of "Conquer Me" - the idea that submissive women have a need to feel their partner's power/control over them in order to be satisfied. I had never heard this concept articulated so clearly and it really resonated with me.
That said, this book has a lot of great, very practical advice, and is written in an engaging, accessible (and often funny) tone. I also loved the concept of "Conquer Me" - the idea that submissive women have a need to feel their partner's power/control over them in order to be satisfied. I had never heard this concept articulated so clearly and it really resonated with me.
August 14, 2013
Since I am new to BDSM, I found it extremely helpful. I am currently in a LD D/s relationship and being new to the lifestyle at the same time is a bit overwhelming. I have been having "conquer me" episodes, but had no clue what they were and this was extremely helpful. This book is not for those who are well-knowledged, but for us newbies, I found it helpful and soothing. Knowing I am not alone, and others go through everything I am, was quite comforting.
February 7, 2016
The author, Kacie Cunningham, offers excellent insight into becoming a better submissive while improving the psychological as well as physical pleasure of each erotic experience. Please take me now, permit me to serve you, and totally dominate me:)
March 2, 2021
I only read a preview to it because i don't have the money to buy it yet but what i did read was really enlightening and very informative. I love the way that she breaks down different aspects of submission.
June 12, 2012
Wow. I was truly impressed. For someone still learning the ropes (no pun intended), this is an excellent book to read. It is a true eye-opener.
September 20, 2012
fascinating look at another culture . . .
Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews