Aphrodite's Daughters: Women's Sexual Stories and the Journey of the Soul

by Jalaja Bonheim

Since its publication, this book has become an underground classic. Based on the stories of ordinary American women, beautifully written, and irresistibly engaging, it shows the immensely important role sexuality plays in shaping our spiritual journey. Aphrodite’s Daughters Overview

Reflecting upon love and lust, sex and marriage, wounding and healing, women on the spiritual path share their most intimate erotic secrets with honesty, courage, and passion in a series of true stories. Aphrodite’s Daughters sends a strong, persuasive message: It is time to honor sex as a sacred, soul-making force. Aphrodite’s Daughters Overview

Women from all walks of life have found that this book transforms the way they feel about their sexual journeys. It is a must-read for every man and woman on the spiritual path.

“A brave, beautiful, erotic, and wise book in a society where sexuality, like so much of our humanity, is cut off from the sacred. Jalaja Bonheim’s honesty marries body to ecstasy, heart to spirit.”
—Jack Kornfield, author of A Path with Heart

“Aphrodite’s Daughters is a scorcher of a book, one that I’m tempted to start reading all over again after I’ve just finished it.”

—Gnosis Magazine

A Simon & Schuster eBook

Genres: Sexuality, Nonfiction, Psychology, Spirituality, Feminism, Relationships, Goddess

400 pages, Paperback

First published June 4, 1997

About the author

Jalaja is internationally known for her groundbreaking use of circle gatherings as a tool for empowering women, healing individuals and communities, and cultivating peace. For over 25 years, she has been leading circles, studying the dynamics of the circle, and developing a community of Circlework practitioners.

She is the founder and visionary director of the Institute for Circlework, which serves as a hub to the growing community of Circlework practitioners around the world.

After spending her childhood in Austria and Germany, Jalaja studied classical temple dance in India before coming to the United States in 1982. She is the author of four books, which were inspired by her passion for integrating sexuality and spirituality, empowering women, and celebrating the feminine spirit.

Aphrodite's Daughters: Women's Sexual Stories and the Journey of the Soul is based on the stories of ordinary American women and explores the central role of sexuality in women's spiritual journey. Witty, wise, entertaining and compassionate, Aphrodite's Daughters quickly became an underground classic, and has changed the lives of thousands of women.

Jalaja's second great passion is peace. Growing up as a Jew in post-war Germany, the devastating impact of war led her on a life-long inquiry into the causes of human violence and the journey of healing and transformation.

Completely intimate with the spirit of the circle, she describes it as an archangel, and as an ally, guide, teacher and friend. She decodes its language for all of us, translates its messages of wholeness and homecoming, and explains its teachings. What she calls the spirit of the circle, others experience as a field of tremendous love and compassion, growth and learning, renewal and healing.

Jalaja has trained hundreds of Circlework leaders in America, Canada, and the Middle East, including ministers, teachers, social workers, psychotherapists, and corporate executives. She also serves as a consultant to groups and group leaders who want to create greater connection and intimacy between people, or need help in working through conflicts or other challenges. Since 2005, she has travelled regularly to Israel and Palestine, where she empowers Jewish and Palestinian women to serve as agents of peace and healing in their communities.

Reviews

[Liaken · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted this book to be wonderful. I really wanted to see how sexuality and spirituality can be interconnected in a way that heals and grows the soul. Through the first half of the book I kept hoping, reaching, trying really, really hard to get the most out of this book.

I don't doubt the author's sincerity. It comes across in every page of the book. However, what is very much missing from this book is how non-dramatic sexuality connects to spirituality. Story after story by all these different women ended up focusing on these ecstatic, mystical, visionary, massive energy-connecting-to-the-divine experiences that were from situations I couldn't relate to.

She had stories of spiritual awakening from a woman who committed adultery, a woman who had sex at age 12 (with an 18 year-old male) on top of a haystack and then continued to have sex with him for the next few years, a woman who was a nun and had a lesbian relationship with a layperson, a woman who lived in an "open marriage" where she and her husband had as many lovers as they wanted and were never jealous of each other, and so on.

Story after story, but not a single one which represented a committed, faithful, monogamous relationship where the woman and her partner grew together with trust and loyalty. The stories of married women who stayed in their marriages still included all kinds of affairs and other third parties (one woman whose husband wanted her to have sex with a woman so she could appreciate herself more).

So, here are all these stories, stories from real women, and none of them were anything like me. Even the ones that could have been more like me weren't. All of them seemed way "out there."

There seems to be a heavy bias in this book toward experimental, tantric, out-of-body, boundary-pushing sexuality. No matter what the story, the author's telling of it is sure to involve the woman finding some kind of fantastical mystical experience. Every story.

It made it hard to believe that this book could actually represent real women, normal women, women who live their lives in a grounded or ordinary fashion. Rather, it seemed like the slice that this book represents are women who are involved in Western versions of Eastern religions and philosophies, who are seeking for some kind of huge and dramatic connection to the universe.

So how does this book relate to me? I am a woman seeking for sexual healing, who does indeed believe that sexuality and spirituality are connected, and who lives her life committed to her marriage, to truth, to a grounded way of life, and who believes that things do not have to be dramatic in order to be powerful or meaningful or live-changing. Truthfully, I'm not sure how this book relates to me. It did give me some interesting ideas to mull around, but it didn't inspire me or help me forward in my journey.

It was too heavy-handed in telling me what my sexual-spiritual connection should look like or feel like. It was too determined to go everywhere but where I was.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my second reading of this book, and will most certainly not be the last. A brilliant and passionate compilation of true stories of the lives of several women who have discovered and rediscovered their sexual selves and are working with their deep longings for connection with their gods and goddesses through a commitment to loving their partners, lovers, mothers, children, families, and themselves. Most highly recommended.

[Christine]

This is an important book I think, one that all women should read. It makes you understand yourself and other women , it is also important in the understanding of male sexuality.
This is not a sex book, this is about understanding ourselves as sexual beings .

[Natalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book reinforces the goddess in all of us!

[August · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been reading followers of Carl Jung who dive into women's dreams, sexuality, and the significance of the archetypes found there. What often happens in heavy psychology is that stories and dreams are scanned with such detail that it becomes difficult to hold on to a bird's eye view of the larger picture.

Aphrodite's Daughters has enough soul food in its stories about the deep bonds of sexuality and spirituality and the experiences of women throughout their lives to feel drunk on. In contrast to Jungian analysts, this book is like a pouring forth of stories without tearing them apart again. I thought the book would be interesting; I ended up doing nothing but eating, sleeping, working, and reading this book.

The stories themselves are chapters. Some women have been abused in their early lives in some form or another. Rather than becoming victims of their lives, they have found peace, embraced their maturity and who they prefer to be as people rather than what society assumed they were when they were victims. Some of the women had hugely romantic and ideal lives when they were young, only to face more difficult times later on. The stories flow from early 20s straight through menopause. They talk in great detail of passionate sex, of infidelity, of the strength of love, of making love (literally) with God, and what God is from the perspective of these incredible women.

This is by far one of the best books I have ever read about relationships between women and men. The author interviews some women who have been married for over 50 years. Some of the women are in their 80s opening up details of their own sexuality throughout their entire life: how it changed, and how at 80, they are still extremely sexual spritual beings. This book shattered many of my assumptions and made me feel strong as my own person at the same time. I thought of my own stories, and stories to be... I'm not afraid of growing old now. I'm not afraid of menopause or any of the decisions I have made in my life. This book is about both men and women healing themselves through eachother. Very mature, no presumptions. This book is life-changing.

[Colleen · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book seemed very promising, but I'm scuttling this at about 30% of the way through. Like The Power of Myth, the appropriation of other cultures, the gender essentialism, and the heteronormativity made this book unreadable. It's a pity, because there are some stories I enjoyed, and some principles that I think could have done some more thinking about.

Ultimately, though, this is a book that describes the way a relationship between a cis-het woman and a cis-het man can be spiritual, by appropriating the gods and goddesses of other cultures and applying new meanings to them.*

The final straw, for me, was this:

And we who are women know this [that our planet is in crisis] not only as an intellectual metaphor, but as an anguish that screams through the cells of our bodies. Men know it too, though perhaps in a more muted way, a way they can more easily push aside.

That's one of the more succint examples of the Closer to Earth trope I've seen. As TVTropes notes "[i]t all sounds great, but unfortunately this trope carries a hefty load of unhappy subtext and ultimately flatters no one."

*It's possible there are non-cis, non-het stories later in the book. I have no desire to virtually flip through it to find out.

[Jamie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must-read for any woman journeying through life. Jalaja Bonheim brings out the beauty in each woman's journey through life, and helps us realize that we are all beautiful, spiritual beings that deserve love and happiness. This happiness cannot be bought, it can only be earned. And we earn our wisdom and our grace by living life, with all of its sorrow and its joy, its beauty and its tragedy. Everyone should read this book. Even men would benefit from it, because it peers deep into the soul of a woman. And just as much as women discount their beauty and their power, men in this age often do the same, trapped in roles that society has defined for them. I loved this book. It was written almost 20 years ago, but the truths within are timeless.

[Karah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest and inspiring!! I read this book for the first time when I was 21 and I am still grateful that I read it. It reveals the connection between sexuality and spirituality. Each can only healthily coexist when we acknowledge our truths in both.

[Eileen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful stories of women's sexuality, all kinds of sexuality. A good primer for women.

[Jean Roberta · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author of this book, who felt called to travel to India to learn ancient temple dances and then return to the United States to share what she had learned, explains why she did the research which led to this book:

“My interest in women’s sexual journeys is based on my belief that sex is an inherently sacred and soulful force, and that if we look carefully, with an open mind, we will find that our sexual stories yield rich spiritual nourishment. Women have always found sacredness in the midst of the ordinary, harvesting spiritual wisdom from the fields and forests of their everyday embodied experience. . .

“I started gathering women’s sexual stories in 1994. But in a deeper sense, the foundation for this work was laid during three extended trips I took to India in 1981, 1984, and 1987. There I was first introduced to a playful, erotic god; a voluptuous, sensual goddess; and an ancient tradition of sexual priestesses. India taught me about the many faces and forms of god and goddess and gave me a spiritual education my Western upbringing had failed to provide.”

This reviewer’s first reaction to the author’s introduction was that her sexual stories of a diverse group of American women are probably outdated, largely because of the boom in erotic literature which got rolling in the mid-1990s. Sex ain’t no secret in post-millennial North America, I thought, although the women who told their stories to Jalaja Bonheim were probably honest and brave.

Reading their stories was a revelation. This book belongs in a category which is closer to spiritual autobiography than to porn, erotic fiction or titillating “true confessions.” Stories like this are still rare because in most bookstores, libraries and publishers’ lists, “sex” is still a completely different category from “spirituality.” As the author makes clear, some of the most spiritually-attuned women in the book were seriously harmed by spiritual practices which encouraged them (subtly or blatantly) to despise their female bodies and to try to “transcend” them to a degree that is hardly possible in life.

The author explains the patriarchal roots of women’s sexual suffering:

“Persephone’s story [an ancient Greek myth:] reflects the fact that patriarchy has, from its very beginnings, allowed women to be dragged to the underworld unwillingly, victims of a desire they do not share. Not only is Persephone abducted and raped, but her abuse is sanctified by the powers that be, in this case represented by Zeus. . . it is easy to understand why deep down, women often feel that they have no right to complain, but should swallow their outrage and make peace with the abuser. . . Persephone’s story can help them shed their shame and understand that our culture has, from the beginning, condoned sexual abuse and the abuse of women.”

Some of the life-stories in the book are painful to read, since they involve predictable experiences of sexual exploitation and assault followed by shaming and shunning behavior by authority figures and guardians. In my experience as well as in the stories of other women (including those represented in this book), the most damaging consequence of sexual abuse is not usually the betrayal by the abuser (who, in many cases, never seemed trustworthy) but betrayal by a circle of “friends” and relatives (particularly mothers) who find it easier to blame the victim than the perpetrator.

However, even the most gothic of the stories in this book include enlightenment, peace and love. The women who describe their “descent” to an underworld of sexual degradation also report dramatic turnarounds, moments in which they recognized their own essential innocence and goodness, and began climbing toward the light of self-love and love for the worthy Significant Others who appeared when needed.

The author was surprised at how often women’s stories of sex included stories of death, even in the absence of sexual abuse or shame. The author remembered her experiences in India, where death often takes place in public, and recognized a spiritual connection:

“Suddenly, I understood why so many women were telling me stories about death. Intuitively, they understood sex, birth and death as three kindred mysteries in which the body itself leads the way into other-dimensional realities. I imagine that in the old days, before reliable forms of birth control were available, the possibility of giving birth, but also of dying in childbirth, must have been very much on a woman’s mind when she made love [to a man:].”

Most of the women who told their stories to the author were exclusively heterosexual, but several described being surprised by their passion for other women, and a few defined themselves as lesbians from the time of their first sexual awakening. In a chapter named “The Sacred Marriage,” the author explains the ancient symbolism of marriage as the union of opposite, complementary qualities or beings, and she is careful to distinguish this concept from heterosexism or the expectation that all adults should have mates of the other gender. She warns that too many people in Western culture marry whomever appears to be suitable on a social level in the vain hope that a ceremony or legal contract will transform the relationship into something sacred. She explains the rising divorce rate in recent decades not as a sign that personal commitment is disappearing from our culture, but as a sign that fewer people are willing to resign themselves to relationships which feel wrong on a deep soul-level.

The author quotes Tara, “an African-American woman raised by an abusive mother,” on the sexual healing she found after leaving men in general:

“I did not discover my true capacity for pleasure until I came out as a lesbian. For me, it felt like coming out of an endless, hot hard desert into an oasis with flowing water and plenty of green. The desert was the absence of heart space and luscious feminine warmth and sensuality. Only a cactus with long spikes could survive there. Now I have rediscovered my joy.”

One of the themes of this book is the resurgence of joy, over and over, in the lives of women who never expected to feel it (again). Usually this joy seems to be related to a reflection of oneself as a powerful, luminous and sexual woman (daughter of Aphrodite) in the eyes of someone else. The author emphasizes how crucial it is for women to connect with other women, sexually or not, for self-validation and support.

In a chapter named “Healing the Motherwound,” the author explains why she believes so few women have had fully positive relationships with their mothers:

“To understand where our mothers and grandmothers were coming from, we must consider that they belonged to the first generation of women who lived not only in a patriarchal, misogynist culture, but also in a fully industrialized society. Until quite recently, most people’s lives were intimately linked to the turning of the seasons and the organic rhythms of the earth. Even if a woman suffered abuse, her journey from birth to death was graced by the ancient beauty of the land and the innocent spirits of animals who mirrored to her the essence of her own feminine nature. . .

“In the forties and fifties, the ideal American woman was portrayed as a pert concoction of makeup and nylons, with girdles to flatten her swelling belly and brassieres to mold her breasts into geometrically perfect cones. She was anesthetized to the rage that simmered within her; her sweat had to be deodorized, her blood shamefully discarded, her births hidden behind the walls of sterile hospitals, the screams of her labor stifled with drugs. . . Just beneath the surface, shame roils and bubbles like toxic waste. How could such a woman surrender to sexual pleasure in all its delicious, primal bestiality?”

“From the moment of birth (and perhaps even in the womb), we begin absorbing our mother’s teachings about sex and gender. Much of what we learn is never stated explicitly. As children, we observe her attitude toward nudity, her ways of expressing or withholding affection, her behavior around her husband and other men, her moments of embarrassment, her silences, her body language.”

The author also describes the distortion of “the sacred masculine” (a timeless, natural essence of maleness) by industrial patriarchy. She explains the periodic attempts by whole generations of women and men to undo the damage: “No wonder the men and women of the hippie generation were possessed by the pressing need to reclaim their earthiness, their animal nature. This need continues, and still cries for recognition.”

In her conclusion, the author reaffirms the importance of personal story-telling as a first step toward global healing:

“I think that every woman should have the opportunity, at some point in her life, to set down her sexual baggage among people who respect and support her, and to unpack it with them. Our isolation has reinforced the assumption that nobody shares our feelings, or cares about our story, or wants to know. But our individual baggage is never just ours alone. Rather, it belongs to the collective. . . The time has come to speak of what we know.”

The author concludes with an invocation of the Goddess in everywoman:

“Look at any one of us with jaded eyes, and you will say, ‘She’s nothing special—a woman like any other. Just one among billions.’ . . . But look more deeply, through the eye of your soul, and you will see that we are none other than the Holy One who walks among you, disguised as a businesswoman or a college student or a grandmother.”

Reading this book is a comforting experience for anyone who identifies as a woman, and probably an enlightening experience for those who identify as men. It would be a good jumping-off point for a storytelling circle or another book project. If you can get your hands on it, see where it leads you.
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[Veronika · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hmmm. When I got the book I joked to my friend about whether this book would finally give me an orgasm. :-) And it did, in a way. Some chapters I loved - "Whatever goodness and capacity to love I have came from her [my mother]." To read how anger can be empowering - hot, active, potent; choosing your god; realizing your body's strength - even menopause in a way "women became very wise when they no longer shed the lunar 'wise blood' but kept it within." I rolled my eyes through some chapters - suggesting rape or men's dominance as means to an empowerment. I may be ignorant to fully grasp some ideas. But overall fed my appetite. Also "the only reason every being on this planet was here was because some female had gone through this [giving birth] and had been broken open in this way."

[Frrobins · Rating 2 out of 5]

I enjoyed the discussions of myths and archetypes, particularly her take on Inanna and Persephone. I have to agree with some of the people who did not find much to relate to the women in these stories, especially if you're a boring, grounded monogamist. And some of the pseudoscience and bizarre claims got me, as we as the rigid gender roles that the author describes. Read if if you're interested, but take it with a grain of salt.

[Lydia Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the only book I found in the local library that tied sex and spirituality in this particular way. Very unique, adventurous, and enjoyable.

[Viviane Jonas · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting selection of stories from women from all walks of life and their sexuality.

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

An insightful look at how sensuality and sexuality show up in women’s life and their stories about their interactions in life.

[Beth · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was not terribly impressed with this book. I was really excited at first, but the whole "Goddess Mother," feminine mystique, tantra spirituality and hippie-ness of it all started to become too much. It got to a point where I wanted to stop reading what Bonheim had to say about Indian sex dances or whatever and I just wanted to hear personal, first-hand accounts of women's experiences. But once it started to get to dolphin sex, it became too much for me. There are plenty of other books that I find people's first hand experiences with sexuality and sexuality alongside spirituality that there seemed not much left to get excited about. I got the point of the book very early on and everything else just started to be overkill.

However, if you are into becoming intimate with your feminine spirituality and want to hear inspiring stories of gaining confidence and enlightenment through sexual experiences, then this is the book for you. There were definitely some great things that these women said and very personal experiences they were willing to share, and that makes the book a worthwhile read.

[Susan · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is one of those books, which I think, would have benefited greatly from editing. It is too long and it has no central focus, which is ok, but makes for tedious reading and the tedious factor takes away from the important message. This is a powerful book. This book, I think accurately captures the struggle women have in our sex negative culture. This book is not afraid to stare the Christian patriarchy in the face and hold it accountable.

I tend to like books which are a collection of stories about real people, talking about their lives and their experiences. I will say that the author's introduction to the book, is her strongest prose and frankly one of the best parts of the book, it is a pity her conclusion is not as strong and that the book is SO long that she herself seems to get lost in her own endeavor.

While I think every woman's story in the book has merits and I am glad they had the courage to tell their stories - some of the power and weight got lost, while I slogged through so many of them.

[Maria · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the most important book I have read. Transformative, life changing. I am forever grateful to my dear yoga teacher who leant it to me after she heard about the work I am doing in the world. This is a must read for the woman who is healing her sexual identity, who craves to find the Divine in it and through it. It is a radical way of viewing the body and sexuality as a sacred gift. This is a must read for anyone who passionately loves a woman, who is eager to connect beyond the flesh in the realm of soul. This is also important for anyone who has been sexually abused, mistreated, objectified. It will help you reclaim every inch of yourself knowing that your body is not broken or damaged but the very vehicle that brings healing to yourself and the world. I can't wait to read this book again.

[Katerina Kan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely incredible journey reading this book. There are so many different vulnerable stories from various woman that are all so truthful, passionate, painful, joyful - just REAL. The stories are poetically interwoven with the author's own reflections, and she gracefully references previous stories when reflecting on others to show the web of similarities that exists in shared experiences of being a woman and facing your sexuality. This was such a healing book for me. I felt so held and nourished by these tales, understanding that truly I am not alone in my trauma, and that there is no scale of worse or better when it comes to pain - each person is their own perfect snowflake. A must-read for every single woman, I promise!

[Jewl · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book helped me with my own issues, sometimes a little too feminist for my taste, but lots of insights throughout. The book tells the sexual stories of several different women of all ages. It is about reclaiming female sexuality for the most part. I am still wrapping my head around sexuality not being a genital act but a spiritual one. It's an interesting concept to me. The book left me with a lot to think about, but I wouldn't say it was earth-shattering.

[Elaine Ho · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really loved this one. Stumbled across it when I was 14. Touched me even back then. The stories of healing, courage and self-discovery related to this community of women voicing their deep personal journeys, are amazing. Every time i pick up this book (quite a few times since i was 14 til now), i learn something new, or I'm reminded of something sacred and important.

[Evelyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome, inspirational book that uses interviews with women to talk about the connection between sexuality and spirituality. This looks at all aspects- dark and light, women of all ages, and experiences. Through the lense of a goddess based, pagan friendly author. I highly recommend this for women who desire to connect thier spirituality and sexuality, and the men or women who love them.

[Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book containing oral histories from women about their experience with sexuality as a healer. Author weaves in valuable stories and pieces of history to each chapter. I wish I could have known about this book 10 years ago!

[Ariana August · Rating 4 out of 5]

Do not read this book if you are still dealing with a traumatic sexual experience. It talks about the entire spectrum of sex, and does not give warnings before delving into topics that will be traumatic reminders for some women.

[Asha · Rating 5 out of 5]

so juicy and reminds me of how we are sacred beings. Glen gets a kick out of it too since it is steamy.;-)

[Mandy]

I thought this was going to be juicier. It reads like a college textbook. Boo hoo.

[Denise · Rating 3 out of 5]

i liked reading ladies' stories, but the goddess stuff is a little much for me. i didn't think individual tales needed to be crammed into a jungian box. that's it.

[Sunda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some really touching stories from many different voices.

[Kate · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was AWFUL! I was expecting something a bit racy and empowering but couldn't even get thru the first chapters.

[Trella · Rating 5 out of 5]

another by Jalaja....captivating, rich, at times grotesque- all ways women experience their sacredness in this world. the stuff our deepest dreams (and some nightmares) are made of....