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Dear Lover: A Woman's Guide To Men, Sex, And Love's Deepest Bliss
Your Call to Open to Love's Deepest Bliss Every woman knows the fairy tale―find the right man, give him what he wants and needs, and he'll love you forever. But when the myth you've been asked to believe fails to deliver―when you sense you've been settling for far less than you know in your heart is possible―then how do you attract and keep a man capable of meeting what you most passionately yearn for? In Dear Lover , David Deida explores every aspect of the feminine practice of spiritual intimacy, from sexuality and lovemaking, to family and career, to emotions, trust, and commitment. Written as a collection of letters from a man to his dear lover, here is this internationally acclaimed writer's invitation to practice love as a living art, as you discover how to pick the man of deep integrity who will satisfy the needs of your body, heart, and spirit.
200 pages, Paperback
First published June 28, 2002
436 people are currently reading
2582 people want to read
About the author
David Deida
91 books740 followersDavid Deida is an American author who writes about the sexual and spiritual relationship between men and women.[1] His ten books have been published in 25 languages. He conducts spiritual growth and intimacy workshops and is one of the many founding associates at the Integral Institute. He has conducted research and taught classes at the University of California at Santa Cruz, Lexington Institute in Boston, San Jose State University and Ecole Polytechnique in Paris. He is the author of numerous essays, articles, and books on human spirituality including The Way of the Superior Man, Finding God Through Sex and Blue Truth and the autobiographical novel Wild Nights.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 103 reviews
June 13, 2014
an "advanced guide" to sacred intimacy for women, you say? really, DD? this is all you could come up with? this book is basically the same 3 sentences arranged and rearranged in slightly different permutations over and over for 170 pages. and those 3 sentences are nauseating. i am baffled by reviewers who say they have never felt more understood and that he's so in touch with the female psyche, etc. where did he come up with this and why is he passing off his personal fantasies as spiritual revelation? i found nothing useful in this book, which would have been okay if it had been sexy or arousing. rather, his concepts of spiritual sexuality are grounded in a very narrow gender binary that casts women as emotionally labile and immature in a way i do not wish to experience myself (though realistically i do sometimes and will continue to do so, but i don't see it as my feminine essence) even if Deida insists that my raging, screaming, crying fits--if expressing my emotions as they arise in the moment rather than venting accumulated tension--is helping to keep my man in integrity with his heart's true direction as it is my role to surrender in complete openness to being ravished into God and to allow him to lead us through life while i worship and offer my devotion to him and let my love-light shine so he may have full claim on my heart. i have loved the masculine and feminine in myself and my partner(s)...energies that dance in a much more nuanced way than in this old school vision of man and woman that Deida outlines. sex is more sacred, more secular and much hotter than this cheesy, creepy, and redundant book makes it out to be.
February 24, 2011
*Update*
Last night I settled down, fully expecting to be up all night enjoying reading Dear Lover. It was such TRIPE. I never thought I could read something that made my eyes roll into my head so HARD! Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at his basic premise which is that women want to be loved and possessed completely by a man of integrity. But his never-ending descriptions of sex that border on rape fantasy are very disturbing. Not to mention that these descriptions are taken straight from a dime store novel. “His entrance into your body is deep, persistent, creative, unyielding. His strong hands hold your wrists, his belly presses deeply down into yours, his gentle force enters you again and again, opening you, opening places you have never felt to open.” o_O Yeah ummmm….ok. I’ve had a kid; no man is PHYSICALLY getting to any place I don’t know about. Now on the mental and spiritual plane I know there are tons of new experiences to be had. His constant reminding that a woman should want to "submit"or "surrender" to her lover was problematic as well. He described it in sexual terms so much that it lost all spiritual and psychological connection for me. He was very clear in WoTSM about how a man should balance the competing forces of his mission and his relationship; NONE of that in Dear Lover.
I knew the structure of this book was letters written to Deida’s lover. I was expecting a book that delved into what the “superior woman” should focus on in her life and relationships and how she should deal with the needs and wants of her “superior man”. Given the format I figured it would be what the "Superior Man" wants to see in his partner. I was not expecting a bunch of fantastical musings by a man, telling a woman how her orgasm should feel. Are you kidding me!?!?
But you know, as I look at the titles, this wasn’t supposed to be a “spiritual” guide for women, and it wasn’t. This is one of the few books I’ve purchased and wanted to return; that’s saying something! I won’t return it though; I will even re-read it because I’m sure there’s something in here of value that I missed during an eye roll. As I said, I really like his basic premise.
My favorite line and one that I will keep in my heart is the way he described a woman’s consciousness upon reaching the 3rd and highest level of loving: "I am light. Take me if you dare.” Awesome!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loved Way of the Superior Man and hope to enjoy this as well. Some reviews I've read make me nervous that won't happen. :-/
Last night I settled down, fully expecting to be up all night enjoying reading Dear Lover. It was such TRIPE. I never thought I could read something that made my eyes roll into my head so HARD! Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at his basic premise which is that women want to be loved and possessed completely by a man of integrity. But his never-ending descriptions of sex that border on rape fantasy are very disturbing. Not to mention that these descriptions are taken straight from a dime store novel. “His entrance into your body is deep, persistent, creative, unyielding. His strong hands hold your wrists, his belly presses deeply down into yours, his gentle force enters you again and again, opening you, opening places you have never felt to open.” o_O Yeah ummmm….ok. I’ve had a kid; no man is PHYSICALLY getting to any place I don’t know about. Now on the mental and spiritual plane I know there are tons of new experiences to be had. His constant reminding that a woman should want to "submit"or "surrender" to her lover was problematic as well. He described it in sexual terms so much that it lost all spiritual and psychological connection for me. He was very clear in WoTSM about how a man should balance the competing forces of his mission and his relationship; NONE of that in Dear Lover.
I knew the structure of this book was letters written to Deida’s lover. I was expecting a book that delved into what the “superior woman” should focus on in her life and relationships and how she should deal with the needs and wants of her “superior man”. Given the format I figured it would be what the "Superior Man" wants to see in his partner. I was not expecting a bunch of fantastical musings by a man, telling a woman how her orgasm should feel. Are you kidding me!?!?
But you know, as I look at the titles, this wasn’t supposed to be a “spiritual” guide for women, and it wasn’t. This is one of the few books I’ve purchased and wanted to return; that’s saying something! I won’t return it though; I will even re-read it because I’m sure there’s something in here of value that I missed during an eye roll. As I said, I really like his basic premise.
My favorite line and one that I will keep in my heart is the way he described a woman’s consciousness upon reaching the 3rd and highest level of loving: "I am light. Take me if you dare.” Awesome!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loved Way of the Superior Man and hope to enjoy this as well. Some reviews I've read make me nervous that won't happen. :-/
March 16, 2015
This was one of the hardest books for me to get through. Might as well be honest.
This book is the feminine counterpart to Deida's book “The Way Of The Superior Man”
“Dear Lover” is an incredible source to explore what the feminine essence most deeply desires and how to truly live into that. It's written as a series of letters from a man to his lover.
A few key points that I realized in reading this book: my feminine essence is very different than my masculine essence and that it is always a good idea to plug into my femininity, by closing myself off to men in order to prevent pain and suffering I was just causing a different kind of pain and suffering and that I want to be with a man who is willing to take the time to really see me and love me (it'll take time to break down the barriers I have carefully constructed).
If you are a female I highly recommended the read. If you happen to be a female like me, who resonates a little more with her masculine energy, just be patient while reading “Dear Lover”, take breaks, put the book down for awhile and then pick it up again, I am sure you will get what you need.
To be honest I may need to re-read it...
This book is the feminine counterpart to Deida's book “The Way Of The Superior Man”
“Dear Lover” is an incredible source to explore what the feminine essence most deeply desires and how to truly live into that. It's written as a series of letters from a man to his lover.
A few key points that I realized in reading this book: my feminine essence is very different than my masculine essence and that it is always a good idea to plug into my femininity, by closing myself off to men in order to prevent pain and suffering I was just causing a different kind of pain and suffering and that I want to be with a man who is willing to take the time to really see me and love me (it'll take time to break down the barriers I have carefully constructed).
If you are a female I highly recommended the read. If you happen to be a female like me, who resonates a little more with her masculine energy, just be patient while reading “Dear Lover”, take breaks, put the book down for awhile and then pick it up again, I am sure you will get what you need.
To be honest I may need to re-read it...
February 5, 2017
What a waste of trees and paper...one basic idea of "being open to love" rephrased a thousand times. It seems as if Deida devoted all the pages of this book to a description of an ideal state, but I am - as a mere mortal woman - utterly disappointed that there was not one single piece of clear advice on how to achieve that state of openness to love, how to go from one's own current state to his ideal one. Moreover, there are quite a few really sexist passages and repetitive language all over. Forever dissuaded from reading any of his other books.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 5, 2012
What a crock of (*&%$! Clearly Mr. Deida has a very specific audience in mind, and it doesn't include anyone with a holistic/ genderless perspective on human beings. His assumptions of what is female and male are subtly patronizing and downright offensive. It isn't a guide at all. There are no points or steps suggesting anything other than"have sex to be more open" . Open to WHAT?! More importantly, why are women expected to enjoy being "ravished" and "claimed" by love ? This is life, not a cheesy romance novel. The fact that Mr. Deida's trying to pass it off as spiritual, while having a non-liability clause at the beginning of the book, is simply idiotic. I am wholly disappointed that Marianne Williamson wrote the forward. I'm hoping she didn't actually read this pile of garbage.
January 11, 2010
This book is nothing like anything else I have read - which I can say for ALL of David Deida's work. It took some getting used to but now I embrace Deida's meaning fully. He wants us to learn to let go of all of our inner turmoils... to learn to open to who we are fully and completely... to stop closing ourselves off from who we are. Amazing stuff!
September 4, 2010
Read it twice. I never could have conceived that it would have been a man who explained me to myself better than I or any woman ever has. Increased my clarity about why I attract the men I do and validated that what I have been seeking actually does exist. This was one of those books that significantly shifted my perspective; in this case, about myself, my body, and relationships.
March 30, 2012
A little repetitive and not super detailed, but the high-level insights were very illuminating. The bottom line is that women often build a "career shell" to mask not feeling loved. He is NOT saying that it is bad to have a career, but he is saying not to lose your radiance, joy and love for the world within it, which I think makes sense. The book is heart-breakingly true at parts, a little starry-eyed optimistic at others (do these men exist?! I'm holding out for yes :) but mostly very inspirational.
January 5, 2016
What a sexy book!! You need to soften yourself as a woman to be able read it. Spiritual Sexiness, hmmm.... I like that !
June 16, 2014
1 hvězdička za pár vtipných poznámek (které ale podle všeho vtipné být neměly), za několik málo poznatků, které seděly jak hrnec na prdel (ale opravdu jenom málo a které vzápětí stejně zabil něčím jiným) a za rozšíření slovní zásoby o výrazy typu "jsi láska", "upřímná touha tvého srdce" a "otevíráš se touhou".
Prvních 4-5 kapitol jsem brečela smíchy, poslední tři kapitoly už přeskakuju celé odstavce a přemýšlím o tom, jak co nejrychleji spáchat sebevraždu.
Opravdu? Tohle má být ten "revoluční myšlenkář" a "nový šaman lásky"? Celá kniha jenom omýlá pár vět - vystačily by na maximálně tři kapitoly (i s úvodem a doslovem), a byla bych spokojená. Všechny kapitoly vypadají a znějí stejně/podobně.
Škoda papíru a peněz, vážně lidi. Takový 50 Shades pro fanoušky New Age a rádoby mystična (nebo pro skutečné masochisty).
Děsím se té další knihy, kterou jsem si koupila čistě z hajpu.
Prvních 4-5 kapitol jsem brečela smíchy, poslední tři kapitoly už přeskakuju celé odstavce a přemýšlím o tom, jak co nejrychleji spáchat sebevraždu.
Opravdu? Tohle má být ten "revoluční myšlenkář" a "nový šaman lásky"? Celá kniha jenom omýlá pár vět - vystačily by na maximálně tři kapitoly (i s úvodem a doslovem), a byla bych spokojená. Všechny kapitoly vypadají a znějí stejně/podobně.
Škoda papíru a peněz, vážně lidi. Takový 50 Shades pro fanoušky New Age a rádoby mystična (nebo pro skutečné masochisty).
Děsím se té další knihy, kterou jsem si koupila čistě z hajpu.
March 11, 2015
Deida writes in the purplest of prose to fill many pages with endless iterations of the same old points that could have been made in four. I'd prefer to find an author who spends more time addressing practical questions pertaining to real-life application of the principles represented here. I felt the same way about The Way of the Superior Man. Deida is wayyy overrated.
All that being said, Deida is also representing a refreshing perspective that i consider rare and valuable, particularly in affirmation from a male writer. I wish he would condense and ground it, but i do appreciate much of what he means to communicate.
All that being said, Deida is also representing a refreshing perspective that i consider rare and valuable, particularly in affirmation from a male writer. I wish he would condense and ground it, but i do appreciate much of what he means to communicate.
December 16, 2007
this author is associated with the tantric teachings but in my experience and reading thus far (chap 22) he is able to discern disfunctional patterns in realtionships and suggest functional alternatives within a very kind and loving framework that is slightly almost erotic.
Read
September 29, 2016Seriously!!! A complete waste of several hours of my life which I can never reclaim.
November 28, 2016
Could not finish this book. What a waste of paper...
August 5, 2016
Very impressive to read such words and such an expressive writing styl from a man. I've read it and I'm sure this will be one of the books I'll kerp close to read to get inspired, to get some empathy, to find my direction when my heart lets me loose the path.
December 30, 2016
not bad, but it could be limited to 10 pages .
January 2, 2017
Thank god for David Deida. I will read this book again and again and again and again. He's an incredibly frank writer... And it finally all makes sense. It's a must read.
October 29, 2019
The pros:
David Deida understands my psyche in love. It was exactly the validation and hope, the expander I needed, reminding me that it’s okay to have a feminine heart. It was a warm blanket, an arm around me, a drink of cool water.
The cons:
—A couple of the chapters near the end didn’t resonate with me at *all*. It’s as if someone else wrote them.
—Deida is quite repetitive - this book probably could have been fifteen pages long. That said, the repetition felt *good* for me - like soaking in a salt bath and letting the nourishing minerals saturate my body. This is brain rewiring, so every little bit helps.
I’m suuuper grateful to have been recommended this book. It took me further into the study of tantra, and really, above all, it fed me. I feel seen, and so much more sure and confident. I feel closer to my deepest heart — more *myself*. It’s not for everyone (I only recommend this book for feelers, for feminine yearning hearts) ... but it was just right for me.
David Deida understands my psyche in love. It was exactly the validation and hope, the expander I needed, reminding me that it’s okay to have a feminine heart. It was a warm blanket, an arm around me, a drink of cool water.
The cons:
—A couple of the chapters near the end didn’t resonate with me at *all*. It’s as if someone else wrote them.
—Deida is quite repetitive - this book probably could have been fifteen pages long. That said, the repetition felt *good* for me - like soaking in a salt bath and letting the nourishing minerals saturate my body. This is brain rewiring, so every little bit helps.
I’m suuuper grateful to have been recommended this book. It took me further into the study of tantra, and really, above all, it fed me. I feel seen, and so much more sure and confident. I feel closer to my deepest heart — more *myself*. It’s not for everyone (I only recommend this book for feelers, for feminine yearning hearts) ... but it was just right for me.
July 1, 2016
Delving deep into the many relationships we each experience and highlighting the need for a dance between the feminine and masculine energies, this book describes a world where we are fully open to all that any relationship can be. It encourages us to open fully to this moment and to be love in its entirety. The question is simple, are you open to the boundless love this moment has to offer?
January 10, 2014
Loved the content of the book. I found it quite repetitive. It really helped me to see why I was right to let go of a previous boyfriend, and I have become clearer on the type of man I want in my life.
June 17, 2012
It's been a number of years since I've read it, but remembered it offered a unique perspective and is definitely worth opening the mind to reading.
October 10, 2013
kind of felt like a preachy 50 shades of grey. Couldn't get into it.
May 5, 2014
This is a book I recommend to male friends of mine as perspective as to how a woman deserves to be treated, like a radiant goddess.
July 16, 2025
Finished this within just 24 hours a quick and easy read. It definitely leaves you with a warm, reflective feeling, and the insights come gently, almost effortlessly. I enjoyed it overall, but it didn’t resonate with me as deeply as Intimate Communion by David Deida, which I found more impactful and moving. There’s something about this one that didn’t quite land emotionally for me, though I can still appreciate the clarity and lightness it offers
August 31, 2017
It is and it isn't, what I expected. I did take a lot out of it, especially the combination of female/male energy within my body. I have very extroverted personality which tends to dance around my inner male energy since I am alpha and I'm dominant so I attract certain men and it takes time for me to allow men to become bigger version of themselves. I see their potential quicker than they do since I do fall in love with amazing men, who deeply care and love me in return just sometimes I eat them alive. Which they like, most of the time. :)
I don't have vulnerability and sexuality complex(es) as I understand myself very good and I mingle between these two currents very well, but when it comes to nurturing female part of me, I sometimes have mental stops. Although I have very potent sex aura, just now in my 30s, I am allowing myself to become more girly, more feminine, because I had to teach myself how to be strong. So, now that I am strong, I have to go back and teach myself how to be gentler, and Dear Lover is a good book, until it start annoying you. :)
I don't have vulnerability and sexuality complex(es) as I understand myself very good and I mingle between these two currents very well, but when it comes to nurturing female part of me, I sometimes have mental stops. Although I have very potent sex aura, just now in my 30s, I am allowing myself to become more girly, more feminine, because I had to teach myself how to be strong. So, now that I am strong, I have to go back and teach myself how to be gentler, and Dear Lover is a good book, until it start annoying you. :)
December 27, 2024
Dear Lover is a beautifully written exploration of love, intimacy, and spiritual connection. David Deida’s insights into the dynamics of opening and surrender, as well as the metaphor of shells and the concept of 3-stage awareness, resonated deeply with me. The book offers a profound perspective on how we can embrace vulnerability and expand into deeper, more fulfilling experiences of love. A reflective and transformative read for anyone interested in the sacred dimensions of intimacy and connection.
February 10, 2017
I'm not too fond of people who speak or write in absolutes... Especially when those absolutes constantly cancel each other out, end up making one look like a hypocrite, or just flat out cause confusion. The idea behind this book was wonderful. Some of the chapters were very inspiring and eye-opening. But... there is a big BUT. In Ch 12, Deida writes in a style that is consistent with the rape-culture we currently live in. Be violated? Be with a man who smiles as he forces you to take what he has to give? That is not very conducive to my opening heart or healing from past trauma. He of course in later chapters changes this wordage, but I could not let it go... It was... disturbing. Maybe it IS because I have past trauma. But this made it very difficult for me to finish the book. I had to keep pulling myself back out of that trigger area and remind myself to read with an open mind and heart. So I did. I finished it. I am glad that I did because there were still more gems to be had in there, but alas, I did prove to myself that it is his writing in absolutes that fully ruined the entire thing for me. Speaking about being open but one chapter puts a woman or man down in particular way only to negate it in the next chapter - that leaves for a lot of confusion. Perhaps if it was read only a single chapter at a time, spread out across an entire month, I would not have noticed it so much... This whole 'absolutes' thing is the reason my husband gets both amused and annoyed watching documentaries based on speculation with me. I just can't stop calling them out on their guesswork being stated as facts ;-)
March 4, 2023
Every paragraph leaves you with the feeling of “what the f*ck did I just read?”
In addition to being a closeted misogynist masquerading as some sort of spiritually enlightened sexual guru, this man can’t even decide if he wants to use present or past tense throughout the same sentences.
Here’s a fun sample (buckle up- there’s a lot to unpack here):
"If you are like most women, you were born with a more feminine sexual essence. At heart, you are more identified with ever-changing life than with changeless death- as a child you enjoyed playing house more than playing war. You enjoyed playing with puppies and colors and make-up and flavors. You enjoyed getting clothing and jewelry rather than weapons and games of challenge- for birthday presents. You loved to be seen, because you are identified with love's light. Anything that adorns your light--sequins, sparkles, bangles magnifies your happiness.
As a young woman, you may have dreamt of masculine saviors: horses, pop stars, white knights- any animal or human, real or imaginary, that could take you somewhere new, somewhere magic. Deep in your heart, you felt that someday a man would see your true beauty, your true light, your boundless ocean of love, and take you to the place you always wanted to be: surrendered open like the sky filled with moonlight, taken by your beloved into the bright domain of love's bliss.”
Just… what?
In addition to being a closeted misogynist masquerading as some sort of spiritually enlightened sexual guru, this man can’t even decide if he wants to use present or past tense throughout the same sentences.
Here’s a fun sample (buckle up- there’s a lot to unpack here):
"If you are like most women, you were born with a more feminine sexual essence. At heart, you are more identified with ever-changing life than with changeless death- as a child you enjoyed playing house more than playing war. You enjoyed playing with puppies and colors and make-up and flavors. You enjoyed getting clothing and jewelry rather than weapons and games of challenge- for birthday presents. You loved to be seen, because you are identified with love's light. Anything that adorns your light--sequins, sparkles, bangles magnifies your happiness.
As a young woman, you may have dreamt of masculine saviors: horses, pop stars, white knights- any animal or human, real or imaginary, that could take you somewhere new, somewhere magic. Deep in your heart, you felt that someday a man would see your true beauty, your true light, your boundless ocean of love, and take you to the place you always wanted to be: surrendered open like the sky filled with moonlight, taken by your beloved into the bright domain of love's bliss.”
Just… what?
March 6, 2019
When I thought I had it all figured out... along comes a man (so far only in the form of a book ;)) who seems to know my deepest heart even better than myself, putting his literary finger right where it yearns, tearing down masks I did not even realize I was wearing, opening me up from the inside out and inviting me to surrender to a whole new level of truth, so true I just cannot deny it… and I cry because I feel more seen than I have ever even seen myself before, I realize where I have been lying to myself, deceiving myself, even abusing myself unintentionally, and I suddenly understand exactly why things had to be the way they have up till now and what MY role has been in all of that… and I laugh because I am aware now what I can and have to do about it, I understand on a whole new level that it’s ME who actually holds the keys to fulfill my heart’s deepest desires, what those desires and keys actually are, and that in fact I have already started using them and just need to do so with even more confidence and consistency.
I already loved David Deida’s work on how to evolve the Masculine (the Way of the Superior Man), but his work on how to evolve the Feminine stays nothing short.
I already loved David Deida’s work on how to evolve the Masculine (the Way of the Superior Man), but his work on how to evolve the Feminine stays nothing short.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 103 reviews