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Raising Them Right: A Saint's Advice on Raising Children
Saint Theophan, while from a different era and country, has an uncanny ability to communicate with modern Westerners. Raising Them Right provides both practical and spiritual insight into a variety of areas of concern to parents, such as baptism, guiding the spiritual and psychological development of children through their teens, and preserving grace in a child's life. A fresh redesign of a spiritual classic. "What good fortune therefore it is to receive a good, truly Christian upbringing, to enter with it into the years of youth, then in the same spirit to enter into the years of adulthood." --Saint Theophan
Find practical advice for reaching these goals for your children in RAISING THEM RIGHT.
Find practical advice for reaching these goals for your children in RAISING THEM RIGHT.
96 pages, Paperback
First published July 1, 1989
28 people are currently reading
272 people want to read
About the author
Theophan the Recluse
65 books54 followersSt. Theophan the Recluse, also known as Theophan Zatvornik or Theophanes the Recluse (Russian: Феофан Затворник), is a well-known saint in the Russian Orthodox Church. He was born George Vasilievich Govorov, in the village of Chernavsk. His father was a Russian Orthodox priest. He was educated in the seminaries at Livny, Orel and Kiev. In 1841 he was ordained, became a monk, and adopted the name Theophan. He later became the Bishop of Tambov.
He is especially well-known today through the many books he wrote concerning the spiritual life, especially on the subjects of the Christian life and the training of youth in the faith. He also played an important role in translating the Philokalia from Church Slavonic into Russian. The Philokalia is a classic of orthodox spirituality, composed of the collected works of a number of church fathers which were edited and placed in a four volume set in the 17th and 18th centuries. A persistent theme is developing an interior life of continuous prayer, learning to "pray without ceasing" as St. Paul teaches in his first letter to the Thessalonians.
Russian profile: Феофан Затворник
He is especially well-known today through the many books he wrote concerning the spiritual life, especially on the subjects of the Christian life and the training of youth in the faith. He also played an important role in translating the Philokalia from Church Slavonic into Russian. The Philokalia is a classic of orthodox spirituality, composed of the collected works of a number of church fathers which were edited and placed in a four volume set in the 17th and 18th centuries. A persistent theme is developing an interior life of continuous prayer, learning to "pray without ceasing" as St. Paul teaches in his first letter to the Thessalonians.
Russian profile: Феофан Затворник
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Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews
March 17, 2019
St. Theophan the Recluse was a monastic who lived in the 1800s in Russia. He was disposed to solitude, gentle, and silent. He was a bishop for a while but became weary of public life and ended up an abbot at a monastery. Eventually he became a recluse and lived a life of complete solitude, devoting himself to prayer and asceticism, to correspondence, and to literary work.
I always find it amazing when an unmarried monk can give such good insight on family and raising children. What I liked the most about this book is that there is no fluff. All of the advice and insight on raising a healthy Christian cuts to the core at what it means to be a Christian. At times he seems very strict and not very practical. But overall I got a lot out of his writing.
St. Theophan says the most important thing is to raise a child who aims at pleasing God in all things. This zealousness to please God comes from His grace and our free will. One of the first tricks of the enemy against us is the idea of trusting in oneself. We need God's grace. We need to put our trust in Him.
When they are young, it is important for us parents to bring our children to Church, pray over them and, as an Orthodox Christian, signing them with the Cross and having them frequently receive Holy Communion. Their senses should be filled with sacred things, such as holy icons and hymns.
The parent's spiritual well being is of utmost importance in raising a Christian child. St Theophan says, “the spirit of faith and piety of the parents should be regarded as the most powerful means for the preservation, upbringing, and strengthening of the life of grace in children...if our spirit is penetrated with piety, it cannot be that in some way this will not influence the soul of the child.” Children imitate, so inspire and teach them to do good.
I liked his advice on how to deal with food and your child. I know I said he wasn't very practical at times. This is one of the exceptions. Dealing with food has been a struggle with us. I was happy to see that he gives advice similar to what we try to do with our children (but not exactly). He says: 1) feed them healthy food, 2) use definite rules. A defined time, quantity, and means of eating, 3) do not depart from the rule. The child cannot get food every time he demands food. He will not learn how to tame this passion that way.
At times he is a bit strict. For example, he says to allow children to do nothing without permission. He says let them be eager to run to their parents and ask “may I do this or that?” He says this teaches them that one should not obey oneself and their own will in everything. Children desire much, but what they desire is not always good for their body and soul. I understand where he is coming from. But I also think there is a time and a place to give children some freedom and allow them to make mistakes. They can learn from this, I think.
He gives advice on learning and education. He stresses that learning about God and our Faith is most important. He says, “Let instruction be so arranged that it will be evident what is the main point and what is secondary…. Let the study of Faith be considered the chief thing.” Simply learning about worldly matters, and not faith matters, is harmful. About this he says, “There is nothing more poisonous or ruinous for the spirit of Christian life than such learning and an exclusive concern for it.” Instead, “every kind of learning which is taught to a Christian should be penetrated with Christian principles.” If you emphasize faith in the teaching of your children, then the principles placed in childhood will be preserved and will increase. I think he summarizes this idea nicely by saying, “one must at all times keep the education of the child under the most abundant influence of the holy church, which by the whole order of its life acts in a saving way upon the formation of the spirit...At the same time one must direct everything from what is temporal to what is eternal, from the outward to the inword, to raise up children of the church, members of the kingdom of God.”
As our children grow, there is a point in their lives when they become aware of their obligations of being a Christian and having to consciously place upon themselves the good yoke of Christ and to choose to live the life of a Christian. According to St. Theophan, “We see in the lives of all who have preserved the grace of baptism that there was in these lives a moment when they decisively dedicated themselves to God.”
Dedicating yourself to God prior to entering the years of youth is essential due to the great temptations which occur throughout these years. St. Theophan stresses the danger of the temptations of youth, the importance of a good upbringing leading up to youth, and holding on through youth and carrying a Christian spirit into adulthood. He compares youth to a waterfall. It is calm beforehand, very turbulent during, and returns to being calm (assuming you have a good foundation prior to being a youth). He quotes St. Augustine who says “so weak does the will become from the first Passions!” There is great danger for a person “who has not received good rules in his youth and has not beforehand dedicated himself to God.”
Children must refrain from “amusements, disorderly reading of tempting books, and from daydreams.” To me this seems a little vague and not abundantly practical. Daydreams? Seems kind of harmless. I guess it depends what they are dreaming about! He also stresses the importance of choosing good friends. He says, “To the one to whom you trust your feelings you give a certain authority over yourself….how careful one must be in the choice of a close friend!” You become united with your friends in spirit, bad or good. “Evil company corrupts good habits” (1 Corinthians 15:33).
About dealing with the opposite sex he says, “The very pinnacle of danger for a youth is contact with the other sex...The youth is wounded by the opposite sex….A youth should flee this kind of wounding more than any other because it is a sickness and a sickness that is all the more dangerous in that the patient wants to be sick all the way to madness.”
Why should we care about raising our children right? Because “The upbringing in the home is the root and foundation of everything that follows. One who is well brought up and directed at home will not so easily be knocked off the straight path by a wrong teaching at school...The fruit of a good upbringing is the preservation of the grace of holy baptism. This preservation rewards with great abundance all the labors of upbringing.” The advantages of preserving this grace are: wholeness, liveliness (a spontaneous doing of good), evenness (no sudden impulses or weakenings), joyfulness, unshakability of virtue.
According to St. Theophan, we (our children and us parents) put too much emphasis on worldly matters. The memory of eternal life is drowned out. We ignore the inner life. This is what matters.
This book reminds you of the eternal importance of the job of a parent. It is not about raising the smartest child. It's not about raising a child who excels in school, gets the best job, or is the best athlete. It's not about raising a “popular” child whom everyone likes. Being a parent is about raising a child who preserves the grace of God, who seeks to please God in all things, and who constantly seeks out salvation. I have to admit, this is very intimidating as a parent. May God grant us the strength to raise our children right and lead them to Him.
I always find it amazing when an unmarried monk can give such good insight on family and raising children. What I liked the most about this book is that there is no fluff. All of the advice and insight on raising a healthy Christian cuts to the core at what it means to be a Christian. At times he seems very strict and not very practical. But overall I got a lot out of his writing.
St. Theophan says the most important thing is to raise a child who aims at pleasing God in all things. This zealousness to please God comes from His grace and our free will. One of the first tricks of the enemy against us is the idea of trusting in oneself. We need God's grace. We need to put our trust in Him.
When they are young, it is important for us parents to bring our children to Church, pray over them and, as an Orthodox Christian, signing them with the Cross and having them frequently receive Holy Communion. Their senses should be filled with sacred things, such as holy icons and hymns.
The parent's spiritual well being is of utmost importance in raising a Christian child. St Theophan says, “the spirit of faith and piety of the parents should be regarded as the most powerful means for the preservation, upbringing, and strengthening of the life of grace in children...if our spirit is penetrated with piety, it cannot be that in some way this will not influence the soul of the child.” Children imitate, so inspire and teach them to do good.
I liked his advice on how to deal with food and your child. I know I said he wasn't very practical at times. This is one of the exceptions. Dealing with food has been a struggle with us. I was happy to see that he gives advice similar to what we try to do with our children (but not exactly). He says: 1) feed them healthy food, 2) use definite rules. A defined time, quantity, and means of eating, 3) do not depart from the rule. The child cannot get food every time he demands food. He will not learn how to tame this passion that way.
At times he is a bit strict. For example, he says to allow children to do nothing without permission. He says let them be eager to run to their parents and ask “may I do this or that?” He says this teaches them that one should not obey oneself and their own will in everything. Children desire much, but what they desire is not always good for their body and soul. I understand where he is coming from. But I also think there is a time and a place to give children some freedom and allow them to make mistakes. They can learn from this, I think.
He gives advice on learning and education. He stresses that learning about God and our Faith is most important. He says, “Let instruction be so arranged that it will be evident what is the main point and what is secondary…. Let the study of Faith be considered the chief thing.” Simply learning about worldly matters, and not faith matters, is harmful. About this he says, “There is nothing more poisonous or ruinous for the spirit of Christian life than such learning and an exclusive concern for it.” Instead, “every kind of learning which is taught to a Christian should be penetrated with Christian principles.” If you emphasize faith in the teaching of your children, then the principles placed in childhood will be preserved and will increase. I think he summarizes this idea nicely by saying, “one must at all times keep the education of the child under the most abundant influence of the holy church, which by the whole order of its life acts in a saving way upon the formation of the spirit...At the same time one must direct everything from what is temporal to what is eternal, from the outward to the inword, to raise up children of the church, members of the kingdom of God.”
As our children grow, there is a point in their lives when they become aware of their obligations of being a Christian and having to consciously place upon themselves the good yoke of Christ and to choose to live the life of a Christian. According to St. Theophan, “We see in the lives of all who have preserved the grace of baptism that there was in these lives a moment when they decisively dedicated themselves to God.”
Dedicating yourself to God prior to entering the years of youth is essential due to the great temptations which occur throughout these years. St. Theophan stresses the danger of the temptations of youth, the importance of a good upbringing leading up to youth, and holding on through youth and carrying a Christian spirit into adulthood. He compares youth to a waterfall. It is calm beforehand, very turbulent during, and returns to being calm (assuming you have a good foundation prior to being a youth). He quotes St. Augustine who says “so weak does the will become from the first Passions!” There is great danger for a person “who has not received good rules in his youth and has not beforehand dedicated himself to God.”
Children must refrain from “amusements, disorderly reading of tempting books, and from daydreams.” To me this seems a little vague and not abundantly practical. Daydreams? Seems kind of harmless. I guess it depends what they are dreaming about! He also stresses the importance of choosing good friends. He says, “To the one to whom you trust your feelings you give a certain authority over yourself….how careful one must be in the choice of a close friend!” You become united with your friends in spirit, bad or good. “Evil company corrupts good habits” (1 Corinthians 15:33).
About dealing with the opposite sex he says, “The very pinnacle of danger for a youth is contact with the other sex...The youth is wounded by the opposite sex….A youth should flee this kind of wounding more than any other because it is a sickness and a sickness that is all the more dangerous in that the patient wants to be sick all the way to madness.”
Why should we care about raising our children right? Because “The upbringing in the home is the root and foundation of everything that follows. One who is well brought up and directed at home will not so easily be knocked off the straight path by a wrong teaching at school...The fruit of a good upbringing is the preservation of the grace of holy baptism. This preservation rewards with great abundance all the labors of upbringing.” The advantages of preserving this grace are: wholeness, liveliness (a spontaneous doing of good), evenness (no sudden impulses or weakenings), joyfulness, unshakability of virtue.
According to St. Theophan, we (our children and us parents) put too much emphasis on worldly matters. The memory of eternal life is drowned out. We ignore the inner life. This is what matters.
This book reminds you of the eternal importance of the job of a parent. It is not about raising the smartest child. It's not about raising a child who excels in school, gets the best job, or is the best athlete. It's not about raising a “popular” child whom everyone likes. Being a parent is about raising a child who preserves the grace of God, who seeks to please God in all things, and who constantly seeks out salvation. I have to admit, this is very intimidating as a parent. May God grant us the strength to raise our children right and lead them to Him.
June 29, 2023
Wonderful little book. Often quite sobering, but we need that at times. The parts about teenagers (or youth) were especially insightful and dead-on. It's amazing how a recluse can have such insight into the nature of children and families.
December 29, 2024
I really enjoyed this book on the Orthodox Christian approach, or perspective, to raising Christian children. It was most informative and discussed virtues to cultivate in children and pitfalls to avoid.
March 12, 2023
This is an excellent book, but I give it 4 stars because I could not just hand it to a parishioner. I wonder if it could be translated a tiny bit better? There’s a troublesome paragraph about possibly pelagianism in an otherwise wonderful early chapter on baptism.
Theophan masterfully lays out a solid foundation for a faithful home, built on Christ and the deliverance of Christ in baptism to the young.
He starts with the parents. Parents must be not only pious, Theophan argues, but also zealous if they want their child to remain in the faith.
From here, he works through each stage of a child’s life. What’s incredible here is that he gives real theological/scriptural support for what Christians usually cede to psychologists and “baby experts.”
He’s in afraid to bring Christ into sleeping and feeding schedules, eye contact, creating a pious/faithful atmosphere in the home, friend groups, socializing, forming habits and teaching goal setting, etc.
I highly recommend this book to pastors who would like a solid different look at parenting advice from a sacramental Christian perspective and serious Christian parents.
Theophan masterfully lays out a solid foundation for a faithful home, built on Christ and the deliverance of Christ in baptism to the young.
He starts with the parents. Parents must be not only pious, Theophan argues, but also zealous if they want their child to remain in the faith.
From here, he works through each stage of a child’s life. What’s incredible here is that he gives real theological/scriptural support for what Christians usually cede to psychologists and “baby experts.”
He’s in afraid to bring Christ into sleeping and feeding schedules, eye contact, creating a pious/faithful atmosphere in the home, friend groups, socializing, forming habits and teaching goal setting, etc.
I highly recommend this book to pastors who would like a solid different look at parenting advice from a sacramental Christian perspective and serious Christian parents.
May 13, 2025
This book is SO INTENSE. Maybe a bit unrealistic? It has some beautiful tidbits but a lot of the suggestions seem unachievable if you want to immerse your child in the world whatsoever.
It did make me think more deeply about my role as a parent and the gravity of my responsibility in helping my children get to heaven.
It did make me think more deeply about my role as a parent and the gravity of my responsibility in helping my children get to heaven.
February 6, 2024
This was a very interesting book. I don't agree with all of the theology behind it but certainly some timeless truths about children, and people in general. I'm not sure I could be as strict as he recommends, or that I would want to.
June 3, 2022
Wise words from a great saint on how to raise children in the fear and love of the Lord. He touches on child development, parenting, education, the passions in childhood, and more.
Read
June 25, 2025I often hear how parenthood, especially motherhood, is such holy work. What makes raising children according to the Christian life so holy? This book helped me to understand the true importance of holiness in the home, with pitfalls to avoid. It also helped me to understand the struggles of those raised without a holy, Christian upbringing.
April 11, 2021
A bit disappointing, honestly. "The Spiritual Life and How to Be Attuned to It" is so amazing that my hopes were very high. The advice in this is overly simplistic, though, and based on a very strict and authoritarian style of parenting.
September 1, 2013
This was good but very strict at times... We are using some of the information but after much prayer will not be exercising all the advice provided.
April 7, 2011
Some good moments, but very much in the EO tradition and all that goes with that.
May 30, 2020
4.5 stars! Definitely recommended reading for all Orthodox Christian parents. I will be rereading this book again and again throughout my journey into motherhood. St. Theophan the Recluse, the author, is a good spiritual father, in that he warns the reader of the spiritual dangers of an improper upbringing and enlightens the reader of a proper Christian upbringing. The main point is to preserve the grace of baptism, which can occur if parents carefully and wisely raise their children in the true Christian way.
September 3, 2024
I wanted to love this. But it seems St Theophan’s outlook on childhood and youth in particular is bleak, and quite sad. Many of his suggestions were far too authoritarian and don’t allow a child to grow and think for themselves.
However, there were some very valuable insights I WILL be employing and several things that made a lot of sense (particularly about infant baptism).
I’m glad I read this, but likely will not recommend it to others.
However, there were some very valuable insights I WILL be employing and several things that made a lot of sense (particularly about infant baptism).
I’m glad I read this, but likely will not recommend it to others.
Read
November 13, 2024I always find myself a little bit skeptical when reading parenting advice from a monk/some saint who has not had children. But St. Theophan has some great wisdom to share, and it’s not only applicable to raising children. This book prompted some serious self reflection and, though I feel some of his parenting philosophies are a bit idealistic, has helped me uncover shortcomings both in my own spiritual habits and in encouraging a life of piety in my daughter.
April 3, 2023
A fantastic and prescient 19th century writing that blew me away in areas with how applicable it was for today's children. As with all GOC books I read initially to glean what I can glean and I hope to revisit this book again to sift through the wisdom again.
Sidenote: My paperback copy has the cover with the children receiving communion.
Sidenote: My paperback copy has the cover with the children receiving communion.
December 6, 2023
The emphasis of this book was on getting your kids off to the right start in their walk with Christ via the means of baptism, by example, by surrounding them with holy images, by not letting them easily give into their passions, and by teaching them the importance of taking up your cross.
November 23, 2024
Good and edifying book teaching the importance of raising children in the faith. This book is more principle than practical advice. Not that the advice is impractical, but that there aren't examples or methods to really take action on.
April 2, 2018
This book is written by Saint Theophan, and translated by Father Seraphim Rose, who himself is considered a saint by many. While I will need to re-read this book to fully understand it, the fault for that lies in me, and I did learn many things. I certainly recommend this book to all parents.
Read
May 25, 2022Really good foundational advice for raising Christian children
December 28, 2025
This is one of those books I’ll need to pick up again and again.
March 24, 2019
I definitely do not agree with all of the theology supported in the book, but it does contain enough gems to be worth the time spent reading this short tome.
June 7, 2019
I received an Audible credit from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
Raising Them Right: A Saint’s Advice on Raising Children” is a short but incredibly powerful volume that I heartily recommend for parents of children of all ages. Saint Theophan the Recluse is known for his many wonderful texts on the Christian life.
I have to admit that it took a little while to get used to the narrator’s voice and style. Kristina Wenger has a nice, soft voice that for whatever reason didn’t seem to fit with the style and tone of this book at first. However, it proved not to be a problem for me; by the end of the book, I was quite satisfied with her narration.
This volume opens with a brief life of St. Theophan. I found this helpful, though I was already familiar with his biography, as it certainly provides much-needed context for the advice he gives to parents. Following the biography, the chapters that follow are arranged chronologically according to a child’s life—from infancy to young adulthood. I especially like that this is an audio book as the later chapters—dealing with older children and teenagers—are easy enough for them to understand. This provides an opportunity for parents and children to listen together and to discuss what the saint said and how they can apply it to their own lives.
A great deal of the advice given is straightforward and seems to be easy to implement—creating a prayer rule, including children in the life of the Church. However, I found others to be more challenging given our day and age. St. Theophan recommends that children, speaking of teenagers, should always ask their parents’ permission before doing anything, as his or her parents know what is best for them. In Western culture, it has become common to give teenagers and even younger children a great deal of latitude and freedom when it comes to decision-making. We tend to expect children as they get older to require less input from their parents. Perhaps, the saint’s wisdom is a correction for our age and a well-needed one at that.
As a father of an infant daughter, I look forward to implementing the saint’s advice, but I will be sure to do so under the direction of my spiritual father. I recommend that other readers do the same, lest we fall into pride thinking we understand what is best on our own.
At less than 2 hours in length, this is a very short work that you may wish was longer. I enjoyed the short length as it makes it easier to go back and listen to again and again, especially when your child approaches or is a certain age St. Theophan addresses.
Raising Them Right: A Saint’s Advice on Raising Children” is a short but incredibly powerful volume that I heartily recommend for parents of children of all ages. Saint Theophan the Recluse is known for his many wonderful texts on the Christian life.
I have to admit that it took a little while to get used to the narrator’s voice and style. Kristina Wenger has a nice, soft voice that for whatever reason didn’t seem to fit with the style and tone of this book at first. However, it proved not to be a problem for me; by the end of the book, I was quite satisfied with her narration.
This volume opens with a brief life of St. Theophan. I found this helpful, though I was already familiar with his biography, as it certainly provides much-needed context for the advice he gives to parents. Following the biography, the chapters that follow are arranged chronologically according to a child’s life—from infancy to young adulthood. I especially like that this is an audio book as the later chapters—dealing with older children and teenagers—are easy enough for them to understand. This provides an opportunity for parents and children to listen together and to discuss what the saint said and how they can apply it to their own lives.
A great deal of the advice given is straightforward and seems to be easy to implement—creating a prayer rule, including children in the life of the Church. However, I found others to be more challenging given our day and age. St. Theophan recommends that children, speaking of teenagers, should always ask their parents’ permission before doing anything, as his or her parents know what is best for them. In Western culture, it has become common to give teenagers and even younger children a great deal of latitude and freedom when it comes to decision-making. We tend to expect children as they get older to require less input from their parents. Perhaps, the saint’s wisdom is a correction for our age and a well-needed one at that.
As a father of an infant daughter, I look forward to implementing the saint’s advice, but I will be sure to do so under the direction of my spiritual father. I recommend that other readers do the same, lest we fall into pride thinking we understand what is best on our own.
At less than 2 hours in length, this is a very short work that you may wish was longer. I enjoyed the short length as it makes it easier to go back and listen to again and again, especially when your child approaches or is a certain age St. Theophan addresses.
June 14, 2012
Excellent advice on raising children. Very practical. This book is made from excerpts from his book "The Path to Salvation".
Want to read
November 21, 2018Recommended by Elisabeth Elliot.
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