Boys Like Us: Gay Writers Tell Their Coming Out Stories

by Patrick Merla, Hetrick Martin Inst, Samuel R. Delany (Contributor)

In stunning essays written especially for this collection, twenty-nine noted gay writers recount their true "coming out" stories, intensely personal histories of that primal process by which men come to terms with their desire for other men. Here are accounts of revealing one's sexual identity to parents, siblings, friends, co-workers and, in one notable instance, to a stockbroker. Men tell of their first sexual encounters from their preteens to their thirties, with childhood friends who rejected or tenderly embraced them, with professors, with neighbors, with a Broadway star. These are poignant, sometimes unexpectedly funny tales of romance and heartbreak, repression and liberation, rape and first love defining moments that shaped their authors' lives. Arranged chronologically from Manhattan in the Forties to San Francisco in the Nineties, these essays ultimately form a documentary of changing social and sexual mores in the United States--a literary, biographical, sociological and historical tour de force.

Genres: LGBT, Nonfiction, Gay, Memoir, Queer, Biography, Anthologies

384 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 1997

Reviews

[Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started reading this book three years ago - I kind of stopped reading, not this book but stopped reading novels altogether. I miss escaping into a story and am now making sure that I slow down and read. As I took so long to get back to this book, my thoughts are soft on the first half of the book and strong on the last half.

Published 20 years ago, reading even the most "current" stories is still a time that has passed. The idea of "coming out" is, thankfully, becoming a task of the past. Boys and girls are just themselves - gay or straight. I know this is definitely not the case for all, and coming out is still a powerful experience.

These book contains well-written, exceptional stories in all varieties of experiences around that brutal, uplifting, and redeeming task of coming out. There really is all kind of settings and undertakings by the writers in their quest to live their most honest lives, whether honest with themselves, lovers, or family. The revelations put forth in this tome are stark and not always easy to process, but I take them as the true sharings of talented storytellers.

[David]

The honesty is great... there are so many stories about sex and attraction during puberty (which really demystifies childhood innocence). But then there is a big bag of sexual frustration or repression. And in many stories, out of that hard soil gay love emerges. The chronological order by year of "coming out" also tracks some development in perceptions of homosexuality from the 1950 through the 1990s. Well written and very illuminating anecdotes about "coming out".

The most intriguing stories were "He's One, Too" by Allan Gurganus and "Money Talks" by David Drake. Guganus' story is about himself as a boy who is attracted to one of his father's friends, named Dan, and how this attraction becomes his first realization of his homosexuality. It is written with nostalgiac longing demonstrating how this fascination develops into Dan becoming an ideal figure of beauty for him.

Drake's story highlight the aspect of the difficulty of coming out all the time in which he humorously describes coming out to his hired investment banker.

[Richard Jespers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Within this book’s 366 pages, twenty-nine gay male authors, born between 1935 and 1970, reveal their coming-out stories. All of these are solicited by the editor, who, I believe, must ask each contributor to reference (if obliquely) his place and date of birth, the year he comes out, and its circumstances. As a result, many of the stories do seem similar, bear a certain patina. And yet all the pieces are for one reason or another wildly different. Some concern themselves with only sexual aspects of being sequestered in that closet, the life one is vacating; others are more abstract, more about vacating a much larger enclosure, perhaps a closet of lies and deceit taken on as a chrysalis of protection against a homophobic society. Ultimately, however, each story is one of transformation. Before coming out: I wasn’t. After: I am. Below I’ve cited some nuggets of wisdom that struck me as being profound for one reason or another.

In “Cinnamon Skin,” Edmund White proclaims: “People are wrong to imagine teenage boys want to shoot their loads; what they want is a union of souls which will only incidentally result in a tangling of arms, thighs, loins. Teenagers do not fetishize big cocks, hairy chests, powerful biceps, or blond hair and thick necks; their desire is too general to respond to anything less than eternal love and their love is vague and powerful enough to ennoble any body at all” (29).

When a men’s magazine asks Allan Gurganus to submit some of his fiction, the editor rejects it because its protagonist a gay sailor. You want to rub our noses in it? Gurganus wants to say, “‘I bet if I were Toni Morrison and you phoned to ask me for a story, and I sent you one about my fellow black people, you sure wouldn’t use the term “rubbing their noses in it,” I betcha’” (55). So true, in my experience, anyway.

Andrew Holleran says, “Denial is always astonishing in retrospect, that one was able to compartmentalize oneself, to proceed with one part while putting another on ice. As long as I was only writing poems to Livingston in my notebook at Fort Benning . . . I was part of the mainstream” (93).

Charles Silverstein: “Most people don’t understand the difference between guilt and shame. The distinction is central in the lives of gay men, particularly those over thirty. I often masturbated in my adolescent years and felt guilty about it. Guilt means one has done something wrong, which could have been avoided. It’s a matter of will; I could have chosen not to jerk off. In reality, it made no difference whether I masturbated or not. The toxin was within me. What I was [my italics], not what I did, resulted in my deep sense of humiliation. My homosexuality was the shame built into me, and embarrassment over my condition created self-hate. It made no difference that I bedded women. I knew the truth. That’s what shame is about, and I learned it well” (117).

Christopher Bram: “Compared to fiction, real life has more characters and incident than necessary. My coming out was a prolonged narrative with a surprising continuity of people. I suspect I write novels instead of short stories because my past is full of such long, tangled strands” (133).

Douglas Sadownick: “Just because a person does not recall a rotten feeling does not mean it is nowhere to be found. A wound from early childhood that remains ignored will find ways to manifest in the present” (223).

“Gay psychologists suggest that a gay man’s relationship to his father material to a special case, different from heterosexual men, hypothesizing that a guy born gay falls in love with the first man (rather than woman) he meets on the scene. (The theory here is that the libido, with its inner godly programming teases the ego complex out from the Self through the first great romance.) The literal father, if he is a kind man, will deflect the nuclear projection of libido, which is devastating enough; if he’s an asshole, he will repudiate the gay boy. All this takes place unconsciously, of course, yet it is often the filter through which the light of gay love shines, giving ‘love/hate’ new meaning” (226).

Well worth the time to read, if you’re still trying to understand your own coming out. However, I suspect, and hope, that coming out is no longer necessary for most LGBTQIA+ individuals because remaining sequestered is no longer required. Younger parents seem more enlightened, spot their gay sons or daughters early and empower them with understanding and encouragement. Gay marriage. Trans people emerging from their respective closets. All this is to say, closets may once again take on their traditional meaning, the putting out of sight of things we want unseen—clothes, shoes, junk—not human beings. Not gay people.

[Andrew H · Rating 4 out of 5]

An important early anthology of coming out stories. The book contains a rare and important short story by Essex Hemphill.

[Gretchen · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5

[Tom · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an anthology of 29 essays about coming-out experiences of male authors going back to their boyhoods. I'd say about half the stories are memorable and affecting. The others bog down to greater or lesser degree as the authors get too philosophical about their encounters. The best pieces tell the experience in simple narrative form. However, one wonders how an author can recall specific dialogue years after he has passed beyond youth. Either they made journal notes or else they have embellished their memories by imagining what they once said and what people said to them. It would be interesting to compile a similar collection from today's younger writers. It might help us learn whether coming out, hopefully, has become easier in the past 10 years or so. I would recommend this book primarily to teens or 20-somethings trying to get a grasp on what gay life was like pre-Stonewall.

[kaimilaniooo · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book as a twenty-one-year-old gay man, and it profoundly impacted me.

The stories within broke my heart, filled me with joy, and kept me engrossed. Each tale evokes a wide range of emotions, making the reading experience both intense and rewarding. The authenticity and rawness of the narratives resonate deeply, offering a relatable and personal connection.

I would gladly read this book again to relive the whirlwind of feelings it evoked. I look forward to revisiting it at thirty-something year old, expecting new insights and emotions as I reflect on my growth.

This book is more than a collection of stories; it's a journey through the complexities of life and love from a gay man's perspective. For anyone seeking a poignant and emotionally rich read, this book is a treasure worth exploring.

[Lobeck · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazing collection of gay male authors telling their coming out stories or their first experiences of sexuality. There is the occaisonal dull story, but on the whole this is an excellent group of writers. Because these are short stories you have the convenience of reading small snipets whenever you like and skipping the stories you dislike. My two favorite are "Beyond Words", where you experience the joy of young gay love and first sexuality, and "Fishing Practice", in which a young man comes out to parents who don't understand but are willing to practice until they get it right.

[Ben · Rating 4 out of 5]

A pretty good collection of stories. This isn't a cross section of gay writers -- most are white, most from the generation that came of age just before the AIDS crisis hit, and most seemed to have lived in New York City -- but the stories together paint an interesting and textured portrait of what was like for many young gay men in the 70s and 80s or thereabouts, and as someone born in 1983, I still found a good deal that I could relate to in my own experiences coming of age a generation later. Some of the stories are very well written, while with others I lost patience with the writing and skipped over them. Taken together, though, it's a solid collection.

[Jillian · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm rating this one really high based solely on how much I liked it back in 1997, when I was 17, and my mom bought it for a friend of mine (whose mother wouldn't buy it for him). It was my first introduction to any sort of lgbt writing besides out/the advocate. I ended up making my mom buy a copy for me as well. I haven't read it since high school though, so I have no clue how much I'd like it now, as an adult, but I still think it deserves 5 stars just because it was kinda life changing. :)

[Isaac · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life, as of 3.19.16, somewhere between 10 am and noon. An incredible book that details many dimensions of coming out from the perspectives across time of men from various backgrounds. While it has a specific personal meaning to me, I think that readers who share history with coming out or want to understand the process, while reading moving, passionate and often erotic, accounts of coming out would enjoy the read.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is excellent! I absolutely loved it! It is a wonderful collection of essays by various writers on what coming out meant to them. The essays take place from the late forties through the nineties, which is so interesting because so much changed in all that time. I highly recommend this book!

[Brandon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stories from a lot of different generations and viewpoints add real texture to this book.

[Jessie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am enjoying the coming out experiences of the different authors. Samual Delaney describes his personal reactions to the media. The experiences are chronologically arranged.

[Skip · Rating 5 out of 5]

This super collection of stories inspired me to write my own coming-out letter to my mother. I guess that's enough...
Boys Like Us opened my eyes to more than just gay writing, but our lives.

[Noah Moore-goad · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend this book!

[Brett · Rating 5 out of 5]

This collection of essays was everything I had hoped it would be when I picked it up off the local secondhand bookshop's meager LGBT shelf. These 29 essays read as short stories of each contributor's personal experiences with coming out as a gay man, listed chronologically from 1949 to 1995. This format made for not only an eclectic mix of sexy, sad, romantic and tragic, but allowed the reader to march through gay history in the process. Allan Gurganus' lengthy essay about growing up as a child to find a family friend suddenly absent after being run out of town upon falling victim to a case of department store restroom entrapment was the most hauntingly memorable, leaving me with an ache in the soul for an epilogue revealing some semblance of justice or happy ending, only exacerbated by the heartbreaking ending of "Hey Dan, missed you. Find me, sir." Other stars of this collection for me were from Essex Hemphill and Samuel R. Delany.

After reading this, and given that it was released 20 years ago, I very much want to see a companion volume from writers since 1996. The only thing really absent to me was any Bear-centric perspectives, though given that has been mostly a more recent phenomenon I suspect I would find that in the (hopefully) forthcoming sequel.