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And You Are Christ's: The Charism of Virginity and the Celibate Life
Father Thomas Dubay, one of the foremost authorities on the religious life, discusses one of the most important but not fully appreciated or understood charisms of the consecrated life, the charism of virginity. Although the idea of virginity is unpopular and even despised in modern society, Dubay emphasizes that the importance of evangelical virginity is rooted in its Biblical foundation, both in the Old and New Testaments.
Examining in detail what the call to virginity is and how it is integrated into the whole of consecrated life, Dubay presents his study in such a way as to be of importance to men as well. Noting that a woman, because of her feminine nature and traits, can image and live the Church's wedded relationship to Christ more realistically, Dubay points out that men with the celibate charism are also members of the virgin Church that is wedded to Christ, just as in the Old Testament the People of God was a virgin bride wedded to Yahweh. The common and distinct elements of male and female consecrated love are fully captured in these pages.
Examining in detail what the call to virginity is and how it is integrated into the whole of consecrated life, Dubay presents his study in such a way as to be of importance to men as well. Noting that a woman, because of her feminine nature and traits, can image and live the Church's wedded relationship to Christ more realistically, Dubay points out that men with the celibate charism are also members of the virgin Church that is wedded to Christ, just as in the Old Testament the People of God was a virgin bride wedded to Yahweh. The common and distinct elements of male and female consecrated love are fully captured in these pages.
149 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 1987
46 people are currently reading
270 people want to read
About the author
Thomas Dubay
30 books76 followersFather Thomas Dubay, S.M., was a well-known retreat master and expert in the spiritual life.
A Marist Priest, Father took a Ph.D. from Catholic University of America and taught at major seminary level for about fifteen years. He spent the last three decades giving retreats and writing books (over twenty at last count) on various aspects of the spiritual life.
He is an expert on the teachings and writings of the two mystical doctors of the Church, John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila.
A Marist Priest, Father took a Ph.D. from Catholic University of America and taught at major seminary level for about fifteen years. He spent the last three decades giving retreats and writing books (over twenty at last count) on various aspects of the spiritual life.
He is an expert on the teachings and writings of the two mystical doctors of the Church, John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews
August 21, 2008
One of the best books written in our time on the Christian meaning of virginity and celibacy. I highly recommend it for anyone discerning a vocation to religious life, the priesthood, or another state of consecrated celibacy or virginity. Would also be helpful for spiritual directors, parents... really anyone who wants to understand Christian virginity better. And in fact, as one must understand the meaning and value of marriage in order to understand fully the meaning and value of virginity, so understanding virginity helps to understand marriage better. This book is good reading, then, for any follower of Christ.
My original review of this good book is on the website Good Catholic Books
For more general vocational discernment, see also Paths of Love: The Discernment of Vocation According to Aquinas, Ignatius, and Pope John Paul II
My original review of this good book is on the website Good Catholic Books
For more general vocational discernment, see also Paths of Love: The Discernment of Vocation According to Aquinas, Ignatius, and Pope John Paul II
October 12, 2021
A beautiful book on the charism of virginity/celibacy. A must read for anyone open to priesthood or religious life.
April 23, 2016
First of all, I love this book. This is probably close to the tenth time I have read this book. I first read it when I was in high school before I entered the convent. I read it while I was with the Sisters. I read it after I left. I also read it twice this summer. I have read this book a lot and I love it.
This book talks about those who have been given, by God, the grace to live a virginal or celibate life. This book, first published in 1987, is still relevant today and often recommended to those discerning religious or consecrated life. The book is mainly written about the vocation of consecrated virginity but also talks about religious life as well.
Father Thomas Dubay begins by speaking of the world today and the presuppositions this book makes. He then defines exactly what he means when he writes of gospel virginity so that everyone is on the same page. He then proceeds to talk at length about the things that make up this vocation such as permanent fidelity and prayer. He even speaks on the signs that one is called to this vocation.
This is a great book and I love the way Father Thomas Dubay writes. I connect so much with his writing. I would recommend this book to anyone discerning a vocation as well as to the family and friends of anyone discerning. It is such a great resource.
I am going to end this review by sharing some of my favorite quotes with you:
"Gospel virginity is a love affair of the most enthralling type. It is a focusing on God that fulfills as nothing else fulfills."
"You are a thirst in the flesh, an incarnated thirst. You yearn for endless beauty and joy, endless love and delight, endless security and happiness – and an immortality in which to enjoy it all. … You and I are thirsts for God. We are thirsty with a thirst that nothing, absolutely nothing finite ever quenches."
This review first appeared at Orandi et Legendi.
This book talks about those who have been given, by God, the grace to live a virginal or celibate life. This book, first published in 1987, is still relevant today and often recommended to those discerning religious or consecrated life. The book is mainly written about the vocation of consecrated virginity but also talks about religious life as well.
Father Thomas Dubay begins by speaking of the world today and the presuppositions this book makes. He then defines exactly what he means when he writes of gospel virginity so that everyone is on the same page. He then proceeds to talk at length about the things that make up this vocation such as permanent fidelity and prayer. He even speaks on the signs that one is called to this vocation.
This is a great book and I love the way Father Thomas Dubay writes. I connect so much with his writing. I would recommend this book to anyone discerning a vocation as well as to the family and friends of anyone discerning. It is such a great resource.
I am going to end this review by sharing some of my favorite quotes with you:
"Gospel virginity is a love affair of the most enthralling type. It is a focusing on God that fulfills as nothing else fulfills."
"You are a thirst in the flesh, an incarnated thirst. You yearn for endless beauty and joy, endless love and delight, endless security and happiness – and an immortality in which to enjoy it all. … You and I are thirsts for God. We are thirsty with a thirst that nothing, absolutely nothing finite ever quenches."
This review first appeared at Orandi et Legendi.
August 10, 2019
Great resource for better understanding the role And beauty of celibacy and consecrated life according to the gospel. Beautifully written and well explained, rooted in scripture and Church doctrine.
September 15, 2020
"The virgin is charismatic because she is gifted for the community. The primary prayer orientation of her virginity is a gift to the Church at large because we keenly need certain people so to live that they can be prayer in the midst of the Church. The dedicated woman is needed, not simply to pray for the wants and woundedness of our world, but to be prayer within it. She is needed to live in the flesh fully and obviously what the Church herself is, a society of prayer" (And You are Christ's 92).
This book is spiritually and theologically rich. While written specifically for Roman Catholics (and for women in particular) with the gift of celibacy (what Dubay terms charisma, or "grace"), it speaks into an often neglected or poorly approached discussion of virginity and singleness. As an evangelical, I found his call to holiness and singleness of heart stirring and poignant; his understanding of the consecrated unmarried life is more meaningful than any Protestant discussion on the topic that I have yet encountered. Rather than considering singleness/virginity/celibacy as a lacking state (though he does discuss the sacrificial nature of such a life), he portrays the theological reasons that this type of life is actually an opportunity for greater fullness and intimacy with Christ.
I recommend this to my Protestant friends in particular, if you are looking for a fresh and meaningful perspective on the great value of the virginal and celibate men and women in the life of the church and the world. You will have to wade through some of the Roman Catholic theology, but it is well worth it.
This book is spiritually and theologically rich. While written specifically for Roman Catholics (and for women in particular) with the gift of celibacy (what Dubay terms charisma, or "grace"), it speaks into an often neglected or poorly approached discussion of virginity and singleness. As an evangelical, I found his call to holiness and singleness of heart stirring and poignant; his understanding of the consecrated unmarried life is more meaningful than any Protestant discussion on the topic that I have yet encountered. Rather than considering singleness/virginity/celibacy as a lacking state (though he does discuss the sacrificial nature of such a life), he portrays the theological reasons that this type of life is actually an opportunity for greater fullness and intimacy with Christ.
I recommend this to my Protestant friends in particular, if you are looking for a fresh and meaningful perspective on the great value of the virginal and celibate men and women in the life of the church and the world. You will have to wade through some of the Roman Catholic theology, but it is well worth it.
Read
January 6, 2024k so I know it looks weird that I read this book while in a relationship but I started it a while ago when I was discerning religious life and never finished it until now - so don't tell my bf, lol :P
But this is pretty good! Highly recommend to anyone discerning a celibate vocation or even to anyone who just wants to know what the whole thing is about, anyway.
But this is pretty good! Highly recommend to anyone discerning a celibate vocation or even to anyone who just wants to know what the whole thing is about, anyway.
September 10, 2021
A short, beautiful reflection on the celibate vocation. Perfect for priests, seminarians, religious, those discerning their vocation, and anyone wanting to understand why celibacy (giving up marriage for God) is recognized as a great good by the Catholic Church.
Read
June 15, 2023an AMAZING read, even (especially?) as someone who is not particularly sure of her vocation yet :)) even in the introduction alone, i found myself appreciating my femininity 10000x more. i love being a lady!! moreover, Dubay discusses ways in which we love God that are relevant, i believe, not just to consecrated celibates, but everyone. SUCH a cool book!
July 31, 2023
Much 2 think about
May 15, 2024
A lot of people recommend this book when you first start discerning the consecrated life. I think that is genius
November 18, 2025
A beautiful book, by someone who seems to truly understand what the call feels like. Not a sacrifice away from something, but a move towards.
November 16, 2013
This is glorious! Anyone wants to know why in the world anyone would want to give their life to prayer, and celibacy for the Lord - READ this.
January 20, 2026
A short, winsome theological primer on the Church’s tradition of consecrated virginity, religious and lay. Dubay takes Vatican II’s emphasis on the universal call to holiness and runs with it — he rightly believes all Christians are called to a radical discipleship, whatever their state in life. Nonetheless, consecrated virginity is the vocation that embodies that radicalism to the full by forgoing the ultimately earthly goods of marriage and children and allowing oneself to be wedded to Christ, serving the Church as a visible sign of the eschatological hope of all the faithful.
One idea that struck me was Dubay’s definition of vocation as “an invitation to give oneself totally to another person in accordance with the divine plan.” (p. 23) In doing so he insists that virginity is no less interpersonal than marriage, entailing as it does marriage to the person of Christ, which cuts against the description of celibacy as a kind of noble “singleness”. Consequently, he argues that celibacy, properly lived, entails an increase and deepening of one’s ability to love, rather than the opposite. And this deepening is afforded the virgin by means of the primary purpose of his vocation: union with God through prayer.
His section on “virginal human love” was interesting too. He defends the legitimate place of “special friendships” — chaste relationships of particular closeness and affection — within the life of the virgin, pointing to such friendships in the lives of the saints and in the life of Jesus himself. He contrasts these relationships with the “particular friendships” condemned in monastic tradition — characterized by an inordinate and exclusive, and sometimes erotically charged, interest in another person — as harmful to the life of the religious community. He states emphatically:
Can Dubay’s reflections here speak to present debates concerning celibate partnerships as a legitimate manner of living out one’s commitment to virginity, as has been argued by some in Side B Christian circles? While the details and circumstances of these partnerships, both in theory and practice, vary, it seems they could often be aptly described as an attempt to chart just such a “third way”, and would therefore (according to Dubay) be inimical to a serious commitment to consecrated virginity. One observation can be made, however, that may complicate this argument: the Side B openness to celibate partnerships seems to have arisen as a kind of pastoral accommodation to the particular needs of gay Christians, who are expected to refrain from pursuing the fulfillment of same-sex desire. Can such Christians, the erotic desires of whom are generally experienced as unchosen, be considered as called to celibacy (in the vocational sense intended by Dubay) simply on the basis of the existence of these desires? For, as Dubay notes, it is of the nature of a vocation to be a free gift of God. Same-sex attracted Christians are obligated to refrain from sexually consummating their attractions, but such a moral obligation alone seems insufficient to infer a positive call to consecrated virginity — it is merely one instance of the general responsibility of Christians to resist the temptation to act upon disordered desire, which of course cannot be considered as actively willed by God. This isn’t to say that gay Christians cannot or should not learn from and be strengthened by the example of celibate saints and the accumulated wisdom of the tradition of consecrated virginity (of which the condemnation of “particular friendships” is part). But it does seem to entail slightly different concrete circumstances, in the context of which the possibility of some form of celibate partnership may remain open as a pastoral accommodation.
These questions aside, Dubay’s overview of the vocation to consecrated virginity is bracing in its insistence that, for those who are so called, celibacy is a way of life characterized by an integral self-gift to Christ. While at times I wished Dubay would have dived deeper into the details of virginity, theologically and historically, this short book is primarily exhortatory, and what he is exhorting is a particular interpretation of celibacy that, while I think faithful to tradition, is framed so as to be compelling to the concerns of our time. He has succeeded in that aim.
One idea that struck me was Dubay’s definition of vocation as “an invitation to give oneself totally to another person in accordance with the divine plan.” (p. 23) In doing so he insists that virginity is no less interpersonal than marriage, entailing as it does marriage to the person of Christ, which cuts against the description of celibacy as a kind of noble “singleness”. Consequently, he argues that celibacy, properly lived, entails an increase and deepening of one’s ability to love, rather than the opposite. And this deepening is afforded the virgin by means of the primary purpose of his vocation: union with God through prayer.
His section on “virginal human love” was interesting too. He defends the legitimate place of “special friendships” — chaste relationships of particular closeness and affection — within the life of the virgin, pointing to such friendships in the lives of the saints and in the life of Jesus himself. He contrasts these relationships with the “particular friendships” condemned in monastic tradition — characterized by an inordinate and exclusive, and sometimes erotically charged, interest in another person — as harmful to the life of the religious community. He states emphatically:
[T]here is no place for a quasi-romantic “third way” between romantic love and faithful virginal love. A great deal of scandal…has been given in recent decades by celibate men and women naively engaging in inappropriate marks of affection and dating. While we do find warmth and demonstrated affection among the saints, we emphatically do not find a courting relationship. Prayerful people know the difference. (p. 83)
Can Dubay’s reflections here speak to present debates concerning celibate partnerships as a legitimate manner of living out one’s commitment to virginity, as has been argued by some in Side B Christian circles? While the details and circumstances of these partnerships, both in theory and practice, vary, it seems they could often be aptly described as an attempt to chart just such a “third way”, and would therefore (according to Dubay) be inimical to a serious commitment to consecrated virginity. One observation can be made, however, that may complicate this argument: the Side B openness to celibate partnerships seems to have arisen as a kind of pastoral accommodation to the particular needs of gay Christians, who are expected to refrain from pursuing the fulfillment of same-sex desire. Can such Christians, the erotic desires of whom are generally experienced as unchosen, be considered as called to celibacy (in the vocational sense intended by Dubay) simply on the basis of the existence of these desires? For, as Dubay notes, it is of the nature of a vocation to be a free gift of God. Same-sex attracted Christians are obligated to refrain from sexually consummating their attractions, but such a moral obligation alone seems insufficient to infer a positive call to consecrated virginity — it is merely one instance of the general responsibility of Christians to resist the temptation to act upon disordered desire, which of course cannot be considered as actively willed by God. This isn’t to say that gay Christians cannot or should not learn from and be strengthened by the example of celibate saints and the accumulated wisdom of the tradition of consecrated virginity (of which the condemnation of “particular friendships” is part). But it does seem to entail slightly different concrete circumstances, in the context of which the possibility of some form of celibate partnership may remain open as a pastoral accommodation.
These questions aside, Dubay’s overview of the vocation to consecrated virginity is bracing in its insistence that, for those who are so called, celibacy is a way of life characterized by an integral self-gift to Christ. While at times I wished Dubay would have dived deeper into the details of virginity, theologically and historically, this short book is primarily exhortatory, and what he is exhorting is a particular interpretation of celibacy that, while I think faithful to tradition, is framed so as to be compelling to the concerns of our time. He has succeeded in that aim.
January 4, 2021
As a Protestant and an older single, I can say that one of the largest failings in our denominations is the inability to provide singles a strong sense of selfhood in Christ. More often than not, the messages we give to singles tend to be muddied: "Mr Right is around the corner", "just wait", "all you need is Christ", "marriage is the best state for humankind", and so on and so forth. Reading Dubay was a breath of fresh air, providing me with strong visuals and a sense of connection to God that I have hitherto not really encountered. I felt that, although God may have plans for me to marry, I shouldn't waste my time being single, just hanging around and waiting. I have always felt this way and went abroad to teach on the strength of it. I hope that many others will give this short, encouraging, loving, poetic treatise on singlehood, celibacy, and the charisma of virginity a chance. It will minister to your heart!
May 27, 2024
This book is an excellent defense of the Catholic tradition of celibacy which, like the author's Happy Are You Poor, is often counter-cultural even among faithful priests and religious: while many of today's consecrated people see their chastity as a necessary sacrifice, Dubay points out the beauty of chastity for its own sake, drawing from many points in the Gospels and the Epistles on the matter. Virginity rocks!
He connects this modern undervaluing of celibacy to the drop in vocations and in the scandalous decision of many religious to leave their vocations in the aftermath of the Council.
I found this little book inspiring, logically coherent, and easy to read!
He connects this modern undervaluing of celibacy to the drop in vocations and in the scandalous decision of many religious to leave their vocations in the aftermath of the Council.
I found this little book inspiring, logically coherent, and easy to read!
March 26, 2021
Hands down the best book I have read on the vocation of celibacy. Does a great job of teaching the permanence of the call and pushes against vocational discernment as a sort of career. Brings to light the areas in which the celibate and spousal vocation all are for the one purpose alone of deeper intimacy with Christ.
August 15, 2021
I loved this book
I had some questions about the consecrated life and not only did it answer them, but it gave some signs to look for if you are called it.
I was looking into the consecrated life of virgins; but the author talks about every vocation whether it's for women or men.
I was reading, and whispering, "that's me!".
I think, this is a good book for those who are not sure if they are called or not.
If you ever read this book, read it slowly, the words are beautiful when he talks about the gift of celibacy.
I had some questions about the consecrated life and not only did it answer them, but it gave some signs to look for if you are called it.
I was looking into the consecrated life of virgins; but the author talks about every vocation whether it's for women or men.
I was reading, and whispering, "that's me!".
I think, this is a good book for those who are not sure if they are called or not.
If you ever read this book, read it slowly, the words are beautiful when he talks about the gift of celibacy.
November 9, 2022
I would suggest this book to anyone in the Church, whether considering religious life/consecrated life/priesthood or those who are the lay faithful. It is a beautiful read that really gives you a full scope of the life and the love of those who have chosen these vocations.
February 15, 2025
Really good insights on the beauty and gift of living a celibate life for Christ, I struggled w Thomas dubays writing style so I did not enjoy it at all but have to admit he has deep knowledge on the subject
November 27, 2021
A sublime explanation of the beauty of celibacy. So poorly understood by the Church and the world, the call to celibacy is an extraordinary gift from God. I loves this book so much.
May 28, 2022
Helpful definitions for those discerning a consecrated/religious vocation.
July 25, 2023
A must-read for those discerning the priesthood or the religious life. Clearly explains the sacrifices and joys of the celibate life. Very good. :)
March 5, 2024
wonderful book
Dubay’s insight into the gift of virginity and celibacy is truly eye opening. This work is definitely inspired by his own deep prayer life.
Dubay’s insight into the gift of virginity and celibacy is truly eye opening. This work is definitely inspired by his own deep prayer life.
July 20, 2024
Excellent book on understanding the charism of virginity in the world and the Church. Very helpful for anyone discerning a call to any form of consecrated life or knows someone who is discerning.
Why the four stars instead of five? At certain points the book repeats itself, almost word for word. While the reasons/support for the different points may be the same, I would have appreciated expounding more on those points or different wording to help capture all the nuances and beauty of the vocation. I do understand, however, that this repetition can be a helpful tool to someone who is learning and allowing this to sink into their hearts for the first time. It allows the content to not contain “too much” information. It is merely a personal preference for it to contain more.
Why the four stars instead of five? At certain points the book repeats itself, almost word for word. While the reasons/support for the different points may be the same, I would have appreciated expounding more on those points or different wording to help capture all the nuances and beauty of the vocation. I do understand, however, that this repetition can be a helpful tool to someone who is learning and allowing this to sink into their hearts for the first time. It allows the content to not contain “too much” information. It is merely a personal preference for it to contain more.
May 19, 2021
I would recommend this as the first book one should read if they have even the inkling of a call to religious life, a curiosity of true chastity, or to bring a different depth to their married vocation. It’s a quick read and very comprehensible; Dubay clearly outlines the consecrated life and was instrumental in helping me understand where God was calling me.
Note just one thing: the chaste, celibate life is the call to the most intimate and consuming love. A relationship with the Lord is characterized by its totality. My first read back in 2018 was scary, but more recently it has refreshed and affirmed and restored.
Note just one thing: the chaste, celibate life is the call to the most intimate and consuming love. A relationship with the Lord is characterized by its totality. My first read back in 2018 was scary, but more recently it has refreshed and affirmed and restored.
March 20, 2015
This was a over all well thought out book. I have some difficulty with the style of writing and the choice of language to explain certain concepts, but it was not a bad book, per say. I think I can't give it more than 3 stars mostly due to the writing techniques.
The topic was well thought out, and it explained celibacy in the church very well; that part very much impressed me.
The topic was well thought out, and it explained celibacy in the church very well; that part very much impressed me.
August 12, 2014
A fine book covering the basics of the charism of celibate life. I found the way he phrased and explained certain things unhelpful, but parts of the book, particularly toward the end, we're rather beautiful.
July 31, 2014
Fabulous book for anyone contemplating the religious life. Also really good for others who want to understand the purposes and benefits of celibacy. A lot of the issues also relate to chastity in marriage.
October 26, 2016
I'd recommend this book to any young person discerning a call to priesthood or consecrated life who isn't completely sold on or hasn't yet heard an inspiring explanation on the primary purpose of celibacy/virginity in priesthood/consecrated life.
May 17, 2022
Read this again for the first time in 8 or so years. Truly excellent. An easy read and yet it does not abbreviate or substitute the substance of the charism of celibacy. Helpful for anyone who wants to understand love or the essence of religion better.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews