DEATH OF ROMANCE: A PLAY IN ONE ACT
CAST:
Emmaline: A sheltered English lass with a tender young body, very smart
Jamie: A barbaric Highlander with the body of a god and a painful secret hidden in his past
Lord Hepburn: A horny old man with a fondness for tender young lasses, very evil
Vinaya: A bewildered reader
SCENE 1 - A church wedding
Emma: Oh, it's my wedding day! I am about to sacrifice myself at the altar so my gambling, debt-ridden father and hapless mother and sisters don't lose their beloved family home...
Lord Hepburn: I wonder if this circus will end soon so I can make good use of the "mangy sporran hanging between my legs"!
Emma: Oh, can I bear to submit my virgin body to this horny but sweet old man who has given me so many pretty things already?! Yes, because there is no-one else in my family who can bear this burden! I shall be brave!
(Church doors crash open and massive Highland barbarian enters on a horse)
Emma: Oh no! I am going to be killed before I am ever de-flowered! Ooooh, look at the muscles on that man, I wonder if he'll be any good in bed?
Lord Hepburn: If you have come to kill me, do it now, you mangy cur!
Jamie: I am a mon, hear me ROAR!
(gallops off after tossing Emma onto his horse)
SCENE 2 - A forest in the Highlands
Emma: I have been kidnapped by this (strangely well-educated) barbarian (with the Scottish accent that comes and goes), but I shall face my fate with spirit. It is the only way to tame a Scottish reiver, after all!
Vinaya: But didn't reiving go out in the 1700s, along with clan feuds?
Emma: Stop annoying me with useless facts I could have gotten from Wikipedia and just look at the muscles on that man! I wonder if he'll be any good in bed?
Jamie: I am a mon, hear me ROAR!
Emma: Are you going to molest me and return me well fooked? *shivers pleasurably* But then who will save my helpless family? No, I must run away and save myself!
(runs into Jamie's arms and gets thoroughly kissed)
Emma: Can I get some more of that? No, wait, I must think of my family and my adorably dried-up bridegroom! Come kiss me again!
Jamie (kissing her some more): I am a mon, hear me ROAR!
SCENE 3 - A cottage in the Highlands
Emma: I am so glad I got to sit in a hot bath and have erotic images of this well-muscled Highlander with a broad chest and slabs of muscle. I am so ashamed that I am sitting here imagining him naked, even though I have never seen a naked man before and don't know how they look! But still... with all those muscles, I wonder if he'll be good in bed?
(Goes to the window and spots Jamie kissing a buxom Scottish maid)
Emma: How dare he try to have sex with another, hotter woman even though I have refused to sleep with him, and pointed a pistol at his heart and tried to run away from him!
(Enter Jamie)
Emma: I'm never talking to you again, you man-whore!
Jamie: But I didn't sleep with her! I kissed her passionately and then told her I was too tired to follow through! See, I am a mon, hear me ROAR!
Vinaya: But if you don't love Emma and are determined not to follow through on your attraction, why wouldn't you sate yourself on the nearest available (buxom, stunning) Scottish lass?
Jamie: I am a ... man. Hear me... roar....
Emma: Oh, fuck it all, those muscles are just too tempting, let's go have some sex!
(They make out)
Emma: No, no this is too unfair to my poor family, I can't do this, get away from me!
Vinaya: Cock-tease!
SCENE 4 - Another forest in the Highlands
Emma: This forest is so spooky, and all the brave Scottish Highlanders (except my extra-brave Jamie, of course!) are so shit scared of it. There must be some mystery here.
Jamie: The tragic events of my secret past are entombed in this shrouded forest. This is the reason I would rather ask for a ransom than sink my hard rod into your nubile young body. I can't tell you what ransom I need however, because I am a mon, hear me ROAR!
Emma (sobs): Obviously your deep, dark secrets mean we can NEVER be together!
Jamie: I am a mon, hear me ROAR!
Emma: Let me alleviate your secret pain with some wild monkey sex!
(R-rated sex scene)
SCENE 5 - The Hepburn has agreed to pay the ransom. The Sinclairs are waiting in the forest clearing)
Jamie: Where's my ransom?
Hepburn's nephew: Here are the massive amounts of gold you have demanded. Return the Hepburn's bride immediately!
Jamie: Yes, please, take that cock-tease off my hands, I'm sick of her! Even though this is not my ransom demand, anything is better than to have to stay with that woman one more day!
(Emma trudges sadly towards Hepburn's nephew)
Jamie: No, wait, I love you after all! Come back! There's a bad man waiting to shoot you in the tree!
Vinaya: So, Jamie, you have finally realised that Emma is infinitely precious to you! How did this happen? What is it you love about her? Her spirit? Her courage? Her cooking skills?
Jamie (scratches head in bewilderment): Well, she has these small breasts that feel so good against my hard back while I'm riding (my horse). And I guess sex with her is better than with all the sheep she keeps accusing me of fucking. And, well, you know, there are her breasts. And the sex. I am a mon, hear me ROAR!
(Evil Hepburn minion shoots Emma)
Jamie: No, Emma, don't die! If you die, who will sleep with a hunka burnin' love like me? I love you after all, and to save you from bleeding to death from the bullet wound on your shoulder, I am going to toss you on my horse and ride for an entire day over the roughest terrain in Scotland to take you to my murderous grandfather! If you survive this ordeal, well, we can have more sex!
SCENE 6 - A keep in Scotland
Jamie: I am betrayed! I have no more capacity for love! Go back to your country, Emma, where you can be publicly vilified as a wanton and a fallen woman. This is every girl's dream, after all, and proof of my great love for you (that I am not willing to acknowledge right now)!
Emma: Oh well, I'll just go back and marry that horny but rich old man then! But don't feel betrayed, Jamie, I still love you, it is just part of an elaborate plot to denounce him at the altar and get the redcoats to arrest him, although the same end could be achieved much less publicly and in a less vulgar manner by presenting the evidence to the redcoats in private.
Jamie: Well then, let's have some sex!
SCENE 7 - A Church Wedding
Narrator: The drama is all ended, the evil old man is dead and Jamie and Emma are about to be married and live happily ever after.
Minister: (drone about the Holy Bible)
Emma: Oh look at all the muscles on that man! I KNEW he'd be good in bed!
Jamie (ripping the book from the minister's hand): Dude, are we about done here, because I really need to go have some sex! I am a mon, hear me ROAR!
(Curtain falls)