If You Didn't Bring Jerky, What Did I Just Eat?: Misadventures in Hunting, Fishing, and the Wilds of Suburbia

by Bill Heavey

For nearly a decade, Bill Heavey, an outdoorsman marooned in suburbia, has written the “Sportsman’s Life” column on the back page of Field & Stream, where he does for hunting and fishing what David Feherty does for golf and Lewis Grizzard did for the South. His work is adored by readers—one proclaims him “the greatest sportswriter who has ever walked the planet,” and another recently wrote in to nominate him for president of the United States in 2008—and his peers have recognized his work with two prestigious National Magazine Award nominations. If You Didn’t Bring Jerky, What Did I Just Eat? is the first collection of Heavey’s sidesplitting observations on life as a hardcore (but often hapless) outdoorsman. Whether he’s hunting cougars in the southwest desert, scheming to make his five-year-old daughter fall in love with fishing, or chronicling his father’s slow decline through the lens of the numerous dogs he’s owned over seventy-five years, Heavey is a master at blending humor and pathos—and wide-ranging outdoor enthusiasms that run the gamut from elite to ordinary—into a poignant and potent cocktail. Funny, warmhearted, and supremely entertaining, this book is an uproarious addition to the literature of the outdoors.

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Outdoors, Biography, Memoir, Adventure

304 pages, Kindle Edition

First published November 10, 2007

Reviews

[Robert Cox · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is one of the finer examples of short form humor, and without a doubt the best book I've read mixing humor with absolutely gut wrenching and profound shorts reflecting on deeply personal and painful experiences.

Heavey has a simple honesty that is often (always) lacking from hunting and fishing writing, which seems to willfully lend itself to high minded idealization.

[Cav · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Invariably, when I introduce myself as an editor of Field & Stream, people do not ask about what I do or how I came to be at the magazine. They ask what Heavey is really like.
The answer: He is an extremely well read and intelligent individual who marches not just to the beat of a different drummer, but to the beat of a whole different drum and bugle corps. I find him entertaining to talk to but am leery of being around him because he tends to attract misfortune.
Spending time outdoors (or indoors, for that matter) with Heavey is like standing in an open field in a thunderstorm with a graphite rod in your hand. It’s not a question of whether the lightning is going to strike but when..."

If You Didn't Bring Jerky, What Did I Just Eat? was a fun, light read. A bit of a departure from the books I typically read, it's nice to change it up once and a while. This one sounded like fun, so I put it on my list when I came across it.

Author Bill Heavey is writer, and editor-at-large for Field & Stream magazine. He is the author of many books, including Should the Tent Be Burning Like That?: A Professional Amateur's Guide to the Outdoors.

Bill Heavey:


The book is presented as a collection of short humorous anecdotes, taken from Heavey's writing for Field & Stream. As its subtitle implies, there are countless funny stories here about Heavey's fishing and hunting adventures (and misadventures).

Both fishing and hunting are difficult pursuits, that rely on luck as much as skill. To his credit, Heavey writes in a self-deprecating fashion. His various trips have not all gone according to plan, and produced what he was looking for. As an avid lifelong fisherman myself, this resonated with me.

There was an interesting story here of a destination fishing trip Heavey went on. He spent thousands of dollars to fish for Taimen in Mongolia; only to get skunked after 6 full days of fishing...
The kicker: the guide calls him the very next week to tell him how the fishing really picked up, juuust after he left. LOL. It goes like that sometimes...

The Taimen:


Heavey includes a super-tragic story here, about his infant daughter who died suddenly. I wasn't expecting that... It was very touching.
There was also a very touching story about a 15-year-old girl who received a terminal cancer diagnosis... Jesus, Heavey.

The rest of the book was as expected; many various humorous hunting and fishing anecdotes. Heavey writes well, and his dry, deadpan style generally work here, thankfully.

*******************

I was in the mood for a light-hearted book to add some change to my reading list, and this one fit that bill nicely.
4 stars.

[Anne Maddox · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny short stories about hunting and fishing with a (very) few more serious thoughts thrown in. I think it will be a good addition to my classroom library, and I may try other titles in the future.

[Shiloah · Rating 4 out of 5]

What an enjoyable read. I don’t hunt or fish, but I want to eventually, or at least tag along when my husband goes. Even though I don’t do these outdoorsy things, I was still able to enjoy this book. His wry humor tickles my funny bone. His transparency of his positives and negatives in his life makes his writing so real and relatable.

[Steven Wilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

An amusing book of short essays. Easy to read. A variety of stories that will make you laugh as well as make you tear up, educate you, and make you reflect on yourself. A great read for any outdoorsman/woman.

[Nichole Hollingsworth · Rating 4 out of 5]

So I am neither a hunter or a fisherman but I still enjoy Bill Heavey's writing. Its honor about his foibles as well as the peace and joy of being in nature. He also has the most honest self-deprecating humor I have run across in a while and a sort of awe at his circumstances-being invited on big hunts with far more skilled outdoorsmen. I also enjoyed the stories where he focused on the relationships between people, whether his friends, wife, or daughter. Thoroughly enjoyable.

[Les Wolf · Rating 4 out of 5]

A series of entertaining stories highlighting Bill Heavey's adventures in the great outdoors. From South America to Alaska the author pursues a prodigious variety of hooved and finned quarry.
There are lessons to learn, laughs to share and a few sentimental moments.
All in all, a very good Field and Stream book.

[Kim Hampton · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm neither a hunter, nor a fisherwoman, but I LOVE Bill Heavey's writing so much! I became acquainted with his work from reading his column in Field & Stream magazine, which my now-ex-husband kept in the bathroom, and I picked up when I was....umm....going to be occupied for a while. He is one of the few writers that has the knack of making you laugh your head off one minute, and bawl like a baby the next. His stories cover so much more than just hunting and fishing. They cover real life and I think everyone can relate to them, even if you're not the type to leave your couch to sit in a boat or a tree stand for hours. My ex bought me this book, and it's one of the few nice things he ever did for me, so I made sure I got it in the divorce! This is actually the second time I've read it, and it was like visiting an old friend that I hadn't seen in way too long. Do yourself a favor and pick up a copy for yourself and your buddies. Lord knows that Heavey could stand to make a few bucks so he can buy some more gear!

[Carlton Phelps · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read Field and Stream for most of my life.
And one section I always turned to was the last page. Because there, I would find the closing adventures of a normal guy with normal failures in fishing and hunting.
I would laugh and a few times cried reading Mr. Heavey's articles. I loved the way he loved the outdoors as much as I did.
Yes, there are differences, he had a job and money, whereas I didn't have the funds to stalk bonefish but I could stalk FL bass. No, I didn't hunt in AK but I could hunt all over Central FL. And by doing so I felt a kinship between one outdoorsman and another outdoorsman.
An excellent read for the sportsman and non sportsman alike.
Do you feel like a laugh? Read this book.

[Michele · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not what I was expecting but still good. My husband and sons hunt so I got most of the humor. There wasn’t any great bursts of laughter for me but there were plenty of chuckles. The stories are short and while most are anecdotes and humorous some will stop you in your tracks while you grab for the tissue to dab your eyes. My main take away is learning about the organization, Hunt of a Lifetime, which provides epic hunts for people 21 years and younger who are terminally ill and wish to experience a hunt they might not otherwise receive.

[Jennifer Miller · Rating 3 out of 5]

I skipped over several of the hunting stories as I preferred the fishing ones. The stories were entertaining but sometimes lacked necessary detail for the layman reader. I think that's why I skipped over the hunting stories; I didn't understand everything.

My favorite was the sentimental tear-jerker "Lilyfish." Ironic for a humor book. It's a great read for anyone who wants to understand why some people release their emotions via their outdoorsman hobby.

[Jan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fun collection of short stories from Field &Stream magazine. They were all written by Bill Heavey. No, I am not a hunter or a lover of fishing. But I do enjoy a healthy dose of humor and sarcasm in my reading material. And, I would love to be in the woods more than I am so there's a little jealousy too.

[Nicholas Strait · Rating 4 out of 5]

Amusing set of short stories (none longer than around 20 minutes, most running around 6 minutes) regarding hunting and fishing. Main character portrays himself as charmingly clumsy which belies the wisdom and insight he obviously possesses. Worth a read.

[Russ Adcox · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love Heavey's writing and used to look forward to his articles when I subscribed to Field & Stream. This book is basically a collection of those. And I with I would have gone with the book instead of the audio. I found it harder to stay engaged because the chapters are shorter and not connected by a single storyline. This would have made the actual paper book perfect, but it didn't translate as well to audio. The most powerful essays were when the "humor columnist" grew serious and talked of family. The one about his Dad was especially powerful. That essay alone gives it four stars.

[Jeff Crosby]

Another collection of magazine essays for outdoorsmen from Bill Heavey. I read these slowly as the mood takes me. This collection seems a little more hunter oriented, but still thoughtful, educational, and often amusing.

[Joe D. Mayfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

Makes Sense

Makes sense in a world where we have lost all sense. Our sense of humor, respect, pride, and belonging. Time to get back to nature. If we embrace nature we learn to embrace everyone and everything.

[Ross M · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyable short stories

[Randy A · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stupidly funny!

[J.M. Schneider · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny stuff - you have to be into outdoor sporting to some degree to get it, but it will crack you up if you are.

[Joshua Southard · Rating 4 out of 5]

As the subtitle describes, this is a collection of Misadventures in Hunting, Fishing and in the Wilds of Suburbia. Heavey is an outdoor writer for Field & Stream who has a subtle, self-deprecating style and sense of humor. His humor runs from hyperbole to irony, nuanced and bold. If you aren’t paying attention you will miss some of the best jokes. Heavey seems to have a love/hate relationship with gear which has developed over the years. The gear-maker’s ability to always have new and more expensive gear that the avid outdoorsman can buy every season seems to be unsporting to the poor outdoor writer living in the suburbs. Heavey describes several deer hunts, Alaskan Caribou hunting, and mountain lion hunting in Arizona. Heavey also tells about fishing trips including a bass fishing tournament he attended in Cuba. While most of the stories are humorous, there are a few that sneak up on you with deep emotional and serious feels. Hat tip to my Dad for the recommendation on this one. 

I recommend this to the gear heads and the outdoor types. 
(Rated PG, Score 7/10, audiobook read by Ian Patrick Williams, 6:46)

[David M. Carroll · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tales of amusement and amazement

Stories that will make you laugh out loud, bring a tear to your eyes, and wonder how someone can make a living this way.

[Megmar · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am not the target audience for this book even a little bit, but the dude certainly knows how to write

[Tina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mr Heavey has added another fan.

Loved this book. I laughed, chuckled, guffawed, snort laughed, and also teared up at times from heartbreaking events written in this book.
Been a Patrick McManus fan for years, and Mr Heavey’s writing is similar.

[Wilson Lanue · Rating 4 out of 5]

Most of the time, I'd rather be outdoors than reading about it. Outdoor writers as a breed tend to be men with too much pride to record their mistakes, who instead find drama in promoting gear and excursions that few in their right mind would break the bank for.

Heavey is different. His main stock in trade is humor, and he delivers by eloquently and unrelentingly poking fun at his own misadventures as a fisherman and hunter.

I first discovered his column, in a cast-off 'Field & Stream,' when I was younger and easier to squeeze a laugh from. And that one-page piece ('I Want My Bass TV,' reproduced on page 71 here) squeezed big ones. The years have made me that much harder to surprise and so that much harder to tickle. It was therefore with some trepidation that I approached this volume. Would Heavey be as good as I remembered? Surely not...

He is. I got lost in the pages and was soon laughing as I haven't laughed in years. A few nuggets of Heavey wisdom:

"I have always held that the first thing to do with anything new that you love is to go out and bang it against something. Once that initial ding is out of the way, you can get on with enjoying it." (One Moment Please...)

"Young guys invariably assume their lives are unique and fascinating, but older guys know that, superficial differences aside, we're really all as alike as eggs." (The Fat Man)

"Like many ineffectual people, I am addicted to the transitory endorphin buzz that comes from impressing somebody besides my own mother." (Why Knot?)

Chances are, those didn't make you laugh. Hopefully, they made you smile at just how true they are. You'll just have to pick up the book for the real laughs, because they come from reading larger stretches. Heavey builds them over the course of a page or three, casually putting down mere facts, though well expressed, until he can jerk the line and bring them into newer heights of comic observation with a few choice words.

That is his skill, and he's a master at it.

But be warned: It is a mastery not always used in the pursuit of laughter, and those rare moments when he ventures into life's dearest pain punch all the harder for the mirth surrounding them. To quote Heavey's editor at F&S, from the foreword: "I don't know of any writer who can hit from both sides of the plate as well as he. One reader wrote in suggesting a Kleenex warning appear next to any of his stories in which the transition from humor to pathos is especially quick."

Anyway, even if hunting and fishing are incomprehensible to you, I doubt you'll be disappointed in this book. But if I say any more nice things about it, I might spoil something for you.

[Justin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay, I'm probably feeling a little generous giving this one 5 stars, but it's the best of its sort of thing I've read in a long time.

I think of Heavey as the F&S humor columnist. He's usually funny without being hilarious (there are touches of McManus here, but very few, and it's a pretty different aesthetic). Heavey plays the average guy well -- he's self-effacing, but he rarely makes himself into a complete idiot. He's a guy like you, except he gets to go cool places. And he also does things like forget his pants and end up hunting in his longjohns.

What I hadn't remembered about Heavey is how well he does serious, too, whether it's tackling the death of a kid (in an article I did remember very well, even if I'd forgotten the byline), a sad but unforgettable mountain lion hunt, or a Hunt of Lifetime trip.

This book was supposed to kill some time between bigger works, but it ended up being my favorite read in sometime, and one I could barely spread out properly.

[Mithell · Rating 4 out of 5]

If You Didn't Bring Jerky,What Did I Just Eat?
BY: Bill Heavey




This book had some really funny parts about it and some just good stories. I think It was my favorite book and the way he uses his words and good to. I think you should read it for a good laugh.
This book had some strengths and some weakness as well. I think the strengths were how funny it was and the way he uses his words to put the text all together which was funny. Now some weakness are that I wish that some of the stories were longer and that there were way more of them because it would have made it more fun to read.
If I had to rate this book 5 being the best 1 being the worst I would rate it a 4 because I wish some of the stories were longer.
I think the person who would like this book is Daniel meeker because I know that he like funny books and good stories.
This book I think it would fall into historical because it all happened in the past and it is real.

[Pamela K. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this man and this book hilarious! As a woman growing up in a family with 5 siblings...2 sisters and 3 brothers, I was exposed to the man's side of the world a lot, when I wasn't baking, etc. and am a better woman for it, it made me a well-rounded person able to understand and actually enjoy activities men also enjoy!

I am a grandma now with a 5 year-old grandson who lives in Idaho...lots of wilderness and outdoor activities there so I am able to enjoy it with him, my husband and my son and genuinely love it all!

I'd not recommend this book for every woman, but she loves the outdoors, has fished, hunted, and enjoyed wilderness experiences...she will laugh her butt off reading the funny, funny, book written by a man I would love talking with!!!

Men that are hunters, fisherman and avid outdoorsmen...I HIGHLY recommend this book for a great laugh and MANY of them!

[Hope · Rating 2 out of 5]

A friend recommended this because I like Pat McManus. Heavey is a very different writer than McManus, less laugh out loud humor, more subtle jabs. He spends far too much time describing the precise gear he uses for deer hunting or fishing. When he gets away from that, and into telling a real story, there are some gems; unfortunately for my taste, those stories are too few.

[Ted Knudson · Rating 4 out of 5]

What can I say, I was slowed down by the approaching hunting season. The need for field time, planning, and shopping for hunting goods was a distraction. I enjoyed the talents of Mr. Heavey (what a name, really? I guess if you're saddled with that moniker and use it to author in Field & Stream, you are committed!) Perfect bed time reading for the outdoorsman in your life.

[Gregg · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. It consists of self-effacing essays on the author's outdoor experiences. It is a lot of laughs. My only criticism is that way too many of the essays focus on deer hunting rather than on a variety of outdoor experiences. Heavey's (few) essays on fishing are really great