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Images You Should Not Masturbate To
Choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, airing the orchid-whatever you call it, none of the images in this book will encourage the gentle art of self-pleasure. This deceptively simple and strangely addictive book presents a laugh-out-loud collection of random pictures virtually guaranteed to dampen the urge of even the strongest libido.
80 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 2011
24 people are currently reading
358 people want to read
About the author
Graham Johnson
65 books24 followersThere is more than one author in the database with this name. Not all books on this profile belong to the same person.
For the British musicologist, see Graham Johnson, listed on Goodreads as Graham^^Johnson.
For the British musicologist, see Graham Johnson, listed on Goodreads as Graham^^Johnson.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews
July 26, 2018
when MFSO recommended this book to me, all those months ago, i thought,"finally! a book i don't have to exhaust myself masturbating to. a book whose images i can just enjoy platonically, without feeling compelled to feverishly pleasure myself with every turn of the page." and yes, part of me wanted to rebel, to be all "don't tell me what i can't do" about it, and to masturbate to each and every one of those pictures, triumphantly, even if it depleted me forever! but now that the book is out, i find the advice to be sound. one should not masturbate to a picture of a dog in a wig; this is good advice. one should perhaps not masturbate to a photo of a hole in a tree. now, i am not telling you people what to do in your own private lives; i am very much in the camp of "i don't care what turns you on as long as i don't have to watch you do it". hell, i am the mascot for that camp:
(do not masturbate to me, please)
but i think that if you have to masturbate, there are plenty of images even right here on the olde internet that could help you meet your goals. (a quick "google" of the words "free porn" tells me that there are still images of adult humans in various stages of undress for your delectation). let this book remain unsullied by your lewd thoughts and actions.
except maybe this picture. this one is just asking for it, really:
thank you, mfso!!
come to my blog!
(do not masturbate to me, please)
but i think that if you have to masturbate, there are plenty of images even right here on the olde internet that could help you meet your goals. (a quick "google" of the words "free porn" tells me that there are still images of adult humans in various stages of undress for your delectation). let this book remain unsullied by your lewd thoughts and actions.
except maybe this picture. this one is just asking for it, really:
thank you, mfso!!
come to my blog!
February 23, 2017
I would like to point out that the poet Harry Whitewolf recommended this book to me, I have no idea what he was searching for when he "came" across this book and I've no idea why he instantly thought of me, but it happened, my mum warned me as a little kid about people like him, so it's my own thought for not listening to her.
Anyways, this was a disappointing book, I think the title is the best thing about the book, who wouldn't want that on their shelf for nosey visitors to spot? There are just a bunch of photos here, nothing else. Some photos were included cos they look a bit rude, some are random and I don't get, who wouldn't find pink rubber gloves sexy? some are pretty surreal and a couple are quite artistic, the guy putting what looks like a sex doll in a washing machine was poss the best photo in the book.
Well that is that book read and I hope Harry Whitewolf is happy I read it and I look forward to his review.
Anyways, this was a disappointing book, I think the title is the best thing about the book, who wouldn't want that on their shelf for nosey visitors to spot? There are just a bunch of photos here, nothing else. Some photos were included cos they look a bit rude, some are random and I don't get, who wouldn't find pink rubber gloves sexy? some are pretty surreal and a couple are quite artistic, the guy putting what looks like a sex doll in a washing machine was poss the best photo in the book.
Well that is that book read and I hope Harry Whitewolf is happy I read it and I look forward to his review.
August 26, 2024
This book exists to create confusion in people's minds.
It exists to be placed on shelves and coffee tables to make anyone who picks it up wonder what on God's green earth is this picture book.
I am of course 5 staring it so it appears high up on my profile and confuses anyone who sees it.
And here's my favorite picture:
It exists to be placed on shelves and coffee tables to make anyone who picks it up wonder what on God's green earth is this picture book.
I am of course 5 staring it so it appears high up on my profile and confuses anyone who sees it.
And here's my favorite picture:
February 11, 2011
The One Line Review Scrap Bin
- Valentine's Day is gonna be so sizzlingly asexual this year.
- The word 'should' denotes a mere friendly suggestion in this context.
- I've never been one to let books tell me what to do.
- TWSS.
- The photography is beautiful, don't mar it with your filthy thoughts and fluids, no matter how tempting it is to shatter taboos with your lustful motions.
- Valentine's Day is gonna be so sizzlingly asexual this year.
- The word 'should' denotes a mere friendly suggestion in this context.
- I've never been one to let books tell me what to do.
- TWSS.
- The photography is beautiful, don't mar it with your filthy thoughts and fluids, no matter how tempting it is to shatter taboos with your lustful motions.
March 24, 2019
I masturbated to it.
September 4, 2013
A fantastic coffee table book for the in-laws!
May 17, 2024
The title speaks for itself, although 😋
December 1, 2022
Definitely masturbated to a few of these.
February 16, 2015
Tell me what's not sexy about a man in a rabbit mask and tighty whities randomly confronting the camera in the middle of a forest? Or a pair of salmon-colored garden gloves? Or a cocker spaniel in a wig?
Who on God's green earth *wouldn't* have their hand down their pants upon first cover sighting of a naked old man balls-deep in an icy pool hacking away at...something?
Either this book will take you on a psychosexual journey where you will learn things about yourself you never suspected possible--or, more likely, it will stanch the flow of your libido faster than a rocket-sized butt plug after a mouthful of crystalline Cancun water. Either way, you'll be laughing the whole time.
This book is a coffee table masterpiece of images that will make you go WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Strongly recommended for anyone with a hearty appreciation for the absurd. Pick it up. If you're a weirdo like me, you'll love it--or, at the very least, you're guaranteed to win the undocumented award for most interesting coffee table book out of anyone, ever.
Who on God's green earth *wouldn't* have their hand down their pants upon first cover sighting of a naked old man balls-deep in an icy pool hacking away at...something?
Either this book will take you on a psychosexual journey where you will learn things about yourself you never suspected possible--or, more likely, it will stanch the flow of your libido faster than a rocket-sized butt plug after a mouthful of crystalline Cancun water. Either way, you'll be laughing the whole time.
This book is a coffee table masterpiece of images that will make you go WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Strongly recommended for anyone with a hearty appreciation for the absurd. Pick it up. If you're a weirdo like me, you'll love it--or, at the very least, you're guaranteed to win the undocumented award for most interesting coffee table book out of anyone, ever.
Currently reading
June 7, 2011Hahahahaahah
December 29, 2017
Spoilers. Nothing to jerk off to here.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 14, 2016
entirely educational..I now know that almost any image can be made to look dirty and that most trees are filthy, dirty fiends....
December 23, 2018
Great adult gift. Wonderfully foul. The spread tree is my fave.
April 23, 2011
OMG!! It's not really fair to say that I 'read' this book. I only looked at the pictures.
March 12, 2020
this wasn't as hilarious as i hoped it would be but still fun to flip through! a solid three star gag book.
February 1, 2025
A complete waste of space.
You might think that the contents will be a bit cheeky, or a bit funny, but its largely just baffling. Some images are suggestive, so there's a degree of innuendo. But others are confusing - pets, surgical scars, crockery.
I don't know what it's trying to be. Without a clear focus, the title could refer to anything, and the book does feel like just a random collection of images. Some reviews suggest that this confusion is the intention, to disorient readers and leave them scratching their heads. But more baffling to me is how this got published in the first place.
You might think that the contents will be a bit cheeky, or a bit funny, but its largely just baffling. Some images are suggestive, so there's a degree of innuendo. But others are confusing - pets, surgical scars, crockery.
I don't know what it's trying to be. Without a clear focus, the title could refer to anything, and the book does feel like just a random collection of images. Some reviews suggest that this confusion is the intention, to disorient readers and leave them scratching their heads. But more baffling to me is how this got published in the first place.
January 12, 2022
To put it simply: this book did not work. I violently masturbated to every single page of this book, table of contents included. Y'know those ads that say "I can't stop coming"? That's me. I have ejaculated so many times the book is now unable to open. My hands and lap are so drenched with semen that I look like vanilla cake (yes, I AM thicc, thanks for asking!). For books to masturbate to? 10/10. But to not? Impossible.
October 2, 2025
This book is made for the coffee table. It is clearly aimed at those who appreciate absurdity. Owning it almost guarantees having one of the most memorable coffee table books around.
It is a small, amusing book that loses some charm if you overlook the title. A longer version might have made it even more enjoyable.
It is a small, amusing book that loses some charm if you overlook the title. A longer version might have made it even more enjoyable.
November 15, 2024
Analyzing a book so complex is a challenging feat. Be prepared, as you are going to change your brain chemistry forever (perhaps for the worst).
As a rule of thumb, do not masturbate to that book. But who am I to tell you what you should do with your leisure time.
As a rule of thumb, do not masturbate to that book. But who am I to tell you what you should do with your leisure time.
December 6, 2017
Worth a look for the title alone, but there are some captivating images within.
July 15, 2018
Clever and fun. Had to look close at some of the photos to get the connection.
December 2, 2018
Hilariously awful photos
December 9, 2018
Not sure how to file this. Nonfiction?
January 28, 2019
Funny little book, kinda loses its charm if you try to ignore its title.
November 20, 2019
Dumb.
Expected something much funnier, but it was really, really un funny. Waste of time and several dollars. Spend your money elsewhere.
Expected something much funnier, but it was really, really un funny. Waste of time and several dollars. Spend your money elsewhere.
December 22, 2020
Hilarious I found this on the shelves and cackled to myself.
January 20, 2021
Lovely Book :D
Can recommend it as a present for someone you love!
Can recommend it as a present for someone you love!
May 9, 2021
Post-modern garbage planet
Want to read
February 6, 2022i stupidly want to get my hands on this
just to know what all the fuss is about
watch this be a dumpster fire
just to know what all the fuss is about
Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews