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Monsters in Love: Why Your Partner Sometimes Drives You Crazy—and What You Can Do About It
A gritty, down-to-earth guide for real-life couples
Conflict is a natural part of any intimate relationship. Yet most couples either avoid it or try to smooth over their differences. This often results in at least one partner compromising their integrity—and stunting their own growth.
Monsters in Love challenges the idea that conflict between partners is unhealthy or something to avoid. Instead, it encourages both people to stand by what they need and who they are—but to do so with compassion rather than competitiveness or vengefulness.
This book is about the reality of committed, intimate relationships, which are designed to inspire both people to grow up. It challenges some common misperceptions about what makes for a successful partnership. It also rocks the boat of psychotherapy, calling out therapists who don't bring their best to their clients.
Instead of comforting fantasies or false promises, Monsters in Love offers you and your partner a chance to make your relationship—and your lives—much bigger and more emergent.
Conflict is a natural part of any intimate relationship. Yet most couples either avoid it or try to smooth over their differences. This often results in at least one partner compromising their integrity—and stunting their own growth.
Monsters in Love challenges the idea that conflict between partners is unhealthy or something to avoid. Instead, it encourages both people to stand by what they need and who they are—but to do so with compassion rather than competitiveness or vengefulness.
This book is about the reality of committed, intimate relationships, which are designed to inspire both people to grow up. It challenges some common misperceptions about what makes for a successful partnership. It also rocks the boat of psychotherapy, calling out therapists who don't bring their best to their clients.
Instead of comforting fantasies or false promises, Monsters in Love offers you and your partner a chance to make your relationship—and your lives—much bigger and more emergent.
312 pages, Kindle Edition
Published January 31, 2023
86 people are currently reading
621 people want to read
About the author
Resmaa Menakem
13 books580 followersResmaa Menakem, MSW, LICSW, SEP, is a leading voice in today’s conversation on racialized trauma. He created Cultural Somatics, which utilizes the body and resilience as mechanisms for growth.
As a therapist, trauma specialist, and the founder of Justice Leadership Solutions, a leadership consulting firm, Resmaa dedicates his expertise to coaching leaders through civil unrest, organizational change, and community building.
He is the author of the national bestseller My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies and the forthcoming The Quaking of America: An Embodied Guide to Navigating Our National Upheaval and Racial Reckoning.
As a therapist, trauma specialist, and the founder of Justice Leadership Solutions, a leadership consulting firm, Resmaa dedicates his expertise to coaching leaders through civil unrest, organizational change, and community building.
He is the author of the national bestseller My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies and the forthcoming The Quaking of America: An Embodied Guide to Navigating Our National Upheaval and Racial Reckoning.
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
April 9, 2023
As much as I give Gottman credit leading couples work in the therapy field, Resmaa’s Monsters in Love is an easy to understand, down to earth, and more relatable way of looking at relationships, including my relationship with myself first. I highly recommend this book as it has given me helpful toys towards my own healing.
April 22, 2024
I like this author--he's involved in a number of worthy projects, such as assisting soldiers returning from war and working on racial trauma.
This particular text is fine. It takes some ideas familiar otherwise (such as the primary point that confrontation is necessary for qualitative development, which seems reasonably hegelomarxist) and applies them to domestic management. I didn't care much for central Frankenstein conceit, and the buddhist-sounding 'five anchors,' which are the principal technique for making use of confrontations, are mentioned early but explained late, and perhaps too thinly.
The main objection to them and overall here is my normal objection to popular psychology books: the normal layperson (i.e., me) can read the words and be deluded into the belief that the words have been understood, a regular dunning-kruger operation. Use of the psychological knowledge very likely should be subject to an experience derived from proper instruction backed by clinical correlation. Otherwise, such texts can be perilous. That is, the text itself is not harmful, but dumbasses can do harm with it.
The case studies/examples contained within the argument are illustrative and compelling, but that's the effect of trojan horses.
This particular text is fine. It takes some ideas familiar otherwise (such as the primary point that confrontation is necessary for qualitative development, which seems reasonably hegelomarxist) and applies them to domestic management. I didn't care much for central Frankenstein conceit, and the buddhist-sounding 'five anchors,' which are the principal technique for making use of confrontations, are mentioned early but explained late, and perhaps too thinly.
The main objection to them and overall here is my normal objection to popular psychology books: the normal layperson (i.e., me) can read the words and be deluded into the belief that the words have been understood, a regular dunning-kruger operation. Use of the psychological knowledge very likely should be subject to an experience derived from proper instruction backed by clinical correlation. Otherwise, such texts can be perilous. That is, the text itself is not harmful, but dumbasses can do harm with it.
The case studies/examples contained within the argument are illustrative and compelling, but that's the effect of trojan horses.
May 9, 2023
I started reading this book while working through a breakup. It’s been extremely helpful in understanding my own patterns, and what integrity looks like in a relationship.
Though the focus is partnership, it’s been more important in helping me to confront myself.
Though the focus is partnership, it’s been more important in helping me to confront myself.
August 23, 2024
barring one or two late blanket statements (partly true statements about open marriages, say, or complete disavowals of hallucinogens), and some cheesy neologisms, this book is overall an incredibly insightful and useful set of philosophies, strategies, and examples on how to confront and navigate difficulty in self and relationship. in line with My Grandmother's Hands, of course, but a really lovely complement rather than a rehashing. (i guess that's inverted, since this book was published first.)
January 20, 2026
A strange violent view of relationships, arguing that compromise is “dirty” and we need to “grind” to get to some better resolution, but what qualifies as “clean” seems to be purely arbitrary. I, too, can say”grow up” a thousand times and call it a book.
November 20, 2024
I can't love this book enough. I'm also a therapist and this is my new favorite book on relationships. I've been recommending it to all of my clients and can't stop thinking about and using the framework he provides for understanding dialectics in relationships.
May 1, 2023
Monsters in Love: Why Your Partner Sometimes Drives You Crazy―and What You Can Do About It
By
Resmaa Menakem MSW LICSW SEP
Rating:5/5
Description:
A gritty, down-to-earth guide for real-life couples
Conflict is a natural part of any intimate relationship. Yet most couples either avoid it or try to smooth over their differences. This often results in at least one partner compromising their integrity—and stunting their own growth.
Monsters in Love challenges the idea that conflict between partners is unhealthy or something to avoid. Instead, it encourages both people to stand by what they need and who they are—but to do so with compassion rather than competitiveness or vengefulness.
This book is about the reality of committed, intimate relationships, which are designed to inspire both people to grow up. It challenges some common misperceptions about what makes for a successful partnership.
Review:
👉Talking about the title of the book, the title of the book is really so interesting to read.
👉The cover is appealing and attractive as well.Writing style is appreciable .This book is about the reality of marriage and other committed, intimate relationships. It offers no comforting fantasies, false promises, or quick-and-easy fixes. Instead, it offers you and your partner a chance to make your relationship-and your lives bigger and fuller.This book challenges several common misperceptions about what makes for a successful partnership. It also rocks the boat of psychotherapy, Calling out therapists who don't bring their best to their clients.Every challenge in this book is based not on theory, or fads, or hopes, but on how relationships actually work.This book will help you and your mate create your own strongest partnership. This book is partly about therapy-but it is mostly a book about healing and growing up. Therapy is personal. It involves individuals, couples, and family
groups.
For book link:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/194948...?
Wow! What a book! I am in love with the book
For complete read do order the book on @amazondotin @amazondotcom
👉I just loved reading the book ...
Happy reading!
By
Resmaa Menakem MSW LICSW SEP
Rating:5/5
Description:
A gritty, down-to-earth guide for real-life couples
Conflict is a natural part of any intimate relationship. Yet most couples either avoid it or try to smooth over their differences. This often results in at least one partner compromising their integrity—and stunting their own growth.
Monsters in Love challenges the idea that conflict between partners is unhealthy or something to avoid. Instead, it encourages both people to stand by what they need and who they are—but to do so with compassion rather than competitiveness or vengefulness.
This book is about the reality of committed, intimate relationships, which are designed to inspire both people to grow up. It challenges some common misperceptions about what makes for a successful partnership.
Review:
👉Talking about the title of the book, the title of the book is really so interesting to read.
👉The cover is appealing and attractive as well.Writing style is appreciable .This book is about the reality of marriage and other committed, intimate relationships. It offers no comforting fantasies, false promises, or quick-and-easy fixes. Instead, it offers you and your partner a chance to make your relationship-and your lives bigger and fuller.This book challenges several common misperceptions about what makes for a successful partnership. It also rocks the boat of psychotherapy, Calling out therapists who don't bring their best to their clients.Every challenge in this book is based not on theory, or fads, or hopes, but on how relationships actually work.This book will help you and your mate create your own strongest partnership. This book is partly about therapy-but it is mostly a book about healing and growing up. Therapy is personal. It involves individuals, couples, and family
groups.
For book link:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/194948...?
Wow! What a book! I am in love with the book
For complete read do order the book on @amazondotin @amazondotcom
👉I just loved reading the book ...
Happy reading!
January 29, 2026
i had a lot of issues with this book. a lot of the text felt like fluff with not a lot of substance and was very repetitive, which was good in some parts but bad in others. conflict is absolutely a natural part of relationships, but i disagree with the sentiment that the heat needs to be on /all/ the time. i disagree with him talking about how hating a partner is natural. i don’t think at any point in a relationship you should hold general hatred for your partner. if you hate your partner, the relationship is probably over. i think instead that you can hate the situation or your partner’s behaviors/choices, but not hatred towards your partner. i disagreed that he basically said cheating is justified and that “every affair is about the ecology of their relationship.” if you have a problem in your relationship, you COMMUNICATE with your partner. you either talk about it, solve it, and move on, or you end the relationship. cheating will never be acceptable or warranted in my eyes. sorry.
absolutely despised his section about physical abuse. it is quite clear he never took the time to talk to feminists and researched about how abuse impacts women. maybe it’s my gender studies background, but there are countless black feminists, chicana feminists, indigenous feminists, etc who have talked about abuse and the way women and young girls are impacted compared to men.
i would never recommend this book to clients or people in my life. it, at many points, seems invalidating to struggles in relationships. if a couple comes in because the women’s mental health is impacted at having to take care of all the house and child duties, giving her this book would be atrocious. you can encourage people to stand in their integrity and make choices that will benefit them without constantly telling them to “grow up” and blah blah blah.
[this was a required reading for a graduate course. absolutely do not recommend. my professor said “whenever i recommend books to clients, i always tell them that only 30-40% of the book at most will apply to them.” i’ve decided that this applies to assigned readings as well. i only need to agree with 30% and can hate the rest!]
absolutely despised his section about physical abuse. it is quite clear he never took the time to talk to feminists and researched about how abuse impacts women. maybe it’s my gender studies background, but there are countless black feminists, chicana feminists, indigenous feminists, etc who have talked about abuse and the way women and young girls are impacted compared to men.
i would never recommend this book to clients or people in my life. it, at many points, seems invalidating to struggles in relationships. if a couple comes in because the women’s mental health is impacted at having to take care of all the house and child duties, giving her this book would be atrocious. you can encourage people to stand in their integrity and make choices that will benefit them without constantly telling them to “grow up” and blah blah blah.
[this was a required reading for a graduate course. absolutely do not recommend. my professor said “whenever i recommend books to clients, i always tell them that only 30-40% of the book at most will apply to them.” i’ve decided that this applies to assigned readings as well. i only need to agree with 30% and can hate the rest!]
May 3, 2026
Your reasons for coming to this book will totally drive what you are expecting to get out of it...bar none. And if you are drawn to it, you are most likely in some form of relationship and want something beyond the status quo. So, if you are ready to take a deep look at yourself and realize the truth about your background, your hopes and dreams, and what you've always wanted...felt entitled to...and your side of the table and realize the the other person has all of that too and a right to their place, you will likely find some value in this text. The other exalts the concept of "growing up" which I feel he never clearly articulates and therefore it can become annoying in its ambiguity. But, ultimately, growing up is the personal acceptance and transformation of one letting go of that vision, part, of perspective that one has that contributes to the gridlock or the difficult status quo of said relationship. What I appreciate about Resmaa is that he admits early on is that this process, much like an authentic therapy session committed to growth and change may result in the couple not leaving together. His goal that he presents in the text is a constant analysis and consideration of all the forces that be from both people that mix to the state of the current challenge We are each each others' monster and I found some transformational truth in that hence my rating.
March 20, 2024
Ahhh what a fantastic book on confronting the SELF in relationship to the OTHER. Resmaa is real, brutal, and honest in his teachings and the author definitely prides himself on this. He dispels bullshit relationship advice and simplifies it to hey, in relationships you confront yourself and the other and deeply intense ways. These are the areas each of you need to stand up for yourselves and your integrity (what you know you NEED) and choose to grow up or continue to face the same cycles and problems.
The thing is there are no easy answers to every conflict, but to listen to what’s right for you and choosing clean pain, which is essentially the high road, of creating less ego based conflict and looking into your deeper vulnerabilities or partner’s. Eventually through beefing it out with your partner, with commitment to finding solutions, you find your way together and level up, or leave w/o them. Just really good shit. Lowkey may reread.
The thing is there are no easy answers to every conflict, but to listen to what’s right for you and choosing clean pain, which is essentially the high road, of creating less ego based conflict and looking into your deeper vulnerabilities or partner’s. Eventually through beefing it out with your partner, with commitment to finding solutions, you find your way together and level up, or leave w/o them. Just really good shit. Lowkey may reread.
October 1, 2024
4.3/5
Im a Resmaa fan, so I’m trying to keep my bias out of it. This book aligns with some of my therapy approaches/views, but I can see others being put off by some of his approaches and things he says
The book itself is very repetitive, often doubling down on end of chapter summaries even when chapters are hella short. The concept and ideas are understandable, however, there’s a lot of room for misuse and misinterpretation, especially when it comes to the main idea of “growing up”. He acknowledges and highlights how in conflictual relationships, even in abusive ones, both people are contributing to the dynamic/system and how all humans can and are “monsters” in their own way. He has done a lot of work with domestic violence programs and his perspectives on this area of therapy are hella valid and aren’t talked about enough.
& i do enjoy him shit talking therapists 😂😭
Im a Resmaa fan, so I’m trying to keep my bias out of it. This book aligns with some of my therapy approaches/views, but I can see others being put off by some of his approaches and things he says
The book itself is very repetitive, often doubling down on end of chapter summaries even when chapters are hella short. The concept and ideas are understandable, however, there’s a lot of room for misuse and misinterpretation, especially when it comes to the main idea of “growing up”. He acknowledges and highlights how in conflictual relationships, even in abusive ones, both people are contributing to the dynamic/system and how all humans can and are “monsters” in their own way. He has done a lot of work with domestic violence programs and his perspectives on this area of therapy are hella valid and aren’t talked about enough.
& i do enjoy him shit talking therapists 😂😭
September 12, 2023
This book does a good job of drawing the distinction between partners who are just going through the motions of being in a committed relationship, but without any growth. The failure of each partner to act out of their integrity leaves them stuck and “grinding” against each other as the author puts it, w/o any real movement towards becoming their best selves. This goal is what the author conceptualizes as the goal of relationships, becoming the best person you can be with the relationship as a vehicle for doing so.
His definition is of clean pain vs dirty pain illustrate the stuckness couples find themselves in quite well. I found the book very helpful towards seeing the inside landscape of what is happening between couples, especially when they are hurting. Highly recommend.
His definition is of clean pain vs dirty pain illustrate the stuckness couples find themselves in quite well. I found the book very helpful towards seeing the inside landscape of what is happening between couples, especially when they are hurting. Highly recommend.
January 6, 2024
Difficult at times, but worth reading
This book was a little difficult for me at times. Not technically difficult, emotionally difficult. There were times when I felt like the author made relationships sound like a miserable, soul crushing endeavor. Perhaps they are at times and perhaps the author was simply pointing it out and telling me that there's nothing wrong with that. Having said that, I'm glad I stuck with it. I think I learned a couple of valuable lessons, and I was definitely given the opportunity to see relationships through a very different lens than I've been exposed to in other books about relationships (e.g., Gottman).
This book was a little difficult for me at times. Not technically difficult, emotionally difficult. There were times when I felt like the author made relationships sound like a miserable, soul crushing endeavor. Perhaps they are at times and perhaps the author was simply pointing it out and telling me that there's nothing wrong with that. Having said that, I'm glad I stuck with it. I think I learned a couple of valuable lessons, and I was definitely given the opportunity to see relationships through a very different lens than I've been exposed to in other books about relationships (e.g., Gottman).
August 3, 2025
I really enjoyed this, but the first half felt disjointed and I kept wanted to be like: can we pause and define terms (or define them again if I missed the first run through) like clean vs dirty pain and growing up? To be fair, the meanings felt clear by the end of the book, but routine reminders of what exactly we’re talking about could have been helpful. I especially enjoyed the parts on ambivalence and resistance and power and control.
I need to do some revisiting of EFT and Gottman, but I liked Menakem’s (and, by what I gather, his mentor Schnarch’s?) emphasis on differentiation and self-development. Next up: looking into Schnarch’s writings!
I need to do some revisiting of EFT and Gottman, but I liked Menakem’s (and, by what I gather, his mentor Schnarch’s?) emphasis on differentiation and self-development. Next up: looking into Schnarch’s writings!
September 27, 2023
I hadn't been aware that this was a revised 2nd edition of "Rock the Boat" until after I had purchased this book and begun reading it.
My review of that book is still relevant although I think this was a stronger argument for Menakem's position(s).
See pp 55 and 59 for examples of where the author brings his anti-strategy commitment from Grandmother's Hands into this. I wish strategy would be defined -- seems like a straw man argument since the author is definitely strategic in his analysis and thinking.
My review of that book is still relevant although I think this was a stronger argument for Menakem's position(s).
See pp 55 and 59 for examples of where the author brings his anti-strategy commitment from Grandmother's Hands into this. I wish strategy would be defined -- seems like a straw man argument since the author is definitely strategic in his analysis and thinking.
February 24, 2025
“The things that create conflict for you and your lover are the very things the two of you need to lean into, because they’re tied to your integrity. Your conflict needs to cook—and you can’t cook without heat.”
This quote here sums up this very informative book of how to deal with your partner; most times we overlook and avoid the difficult parts. Dr. Resmaa Menakem gives practical solutions-along with actual cases-of how to enjoy the “monster” that you are in love with, part of which is identifying your own monster! A great read!
This quote here sums up this very informative book of how to deal with your partner; most times we overlook and avoid the difficult parts. Dr. Resmaa Menakem gives practical solutions-along with actual cases-of how to enjoy the “monster” that you are in love with, part of which is identifying your own monster! A great read!
October 5, 2023
Every once in a while as a therapist, I read a book that just blows my mind. I have already and loved "My Grandma's Hands," and was predisposed to love this book, however, it exploded my expectations. Menakem is equal parts gentle and no bullshit, and even interrogates what it means to be a kind and effective therapist that dares to challenge their own limitations. I keep telling people I'm not being paid to promote this book because I keep touting it everywhere I go.
March 15, 2024
3.5 stars: This book gave me language for how to navigate both interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships: with an emphasis on self-growth and accountability. The informal writing style made it really easy to get through, but I found certain aspects corny like when I read “Lame-ass”…. It interrupted my flow of reading. That being said, I heavily resonate with Resmaa’s message and love his somatic approach. Definitely some gem’s in this book, just not my favorite writing style to read.
July 31, 2024
I liked this book's main thesis that couples and their therapists shouldn't prematurely suppress conflict rather than growing through it. The last chapters have good advice for counselors about sitting with ambiguity and not being triggered by their clients' strong feelings. But I found the book too repetitive and padded. Menakem is judgmental and un-informed about ethical nonmonogamy, which he seems to believe is only ever a way of avoiding strong feelings about your partner.
January 24, 2024
This book provides a comprehensive guide on how we behave like monsters while in relationships. There were so many nuggets on how each part of a couple contributes to problems in the relationship. The examples were top notch. I also believe this book is entirely too long and is repetitive at moments. The “conversation” he included with his mentor was just weird and unnecessary.
December 15, 2025
Really good. Really practical. Sort of expansive and it took me a long time to read since each short chapter was a pretty standalone concept to digest.
My main take away from this book is that it can be a guide for how to fight well. To fight by standing up for yourself and your truth with integrity and without cruelty.
My main take away from this book is that it can be a guide for how to fight well. To fight by standing up for yourself and your truth with integrity and without cruelty.
May 25, 2023
Excellent information and important to normalize that relationships are supposed to challenge us and be uncomfortable. 4 instead of 5 stars because it was repetitive and could have been 25% as long - halfway through I just started skimming the compass points.
May 28, 2023
Stop what you're doing. Have you encountered emotional challenges in romantic relationships that you don't know how to handle? Go read this. Right now. This would have saved me literally years of pain and tears and desperately "trying to make things work" instead of dealing with them like an adult.
November 18, 2023
Great read for those who coach couples.
And also for those in couples!
And also for those in couples!
April 25, 2024
Applicable/honest/validating
January 23, 2025
Fantastic as usual for Resmaa
October 6, 2023
Really appreciated so many things about this book. It’s written directly and compassionately and at times I felt like whole chapters were written to call me on my bullshit. The underlying idea is that point of a relationship/love is to help us grow up and that we do this through conflict. Hopefully by holding onto ourselves, moving through uncertainty with integrity, we can create a loving collaborative alliance with a partner.
Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews