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The Gift of Sex
The Gift of Sex [paperback] Clifford L. Penner, Joyce J. Penner [Jan 01, 2001]
384 pages, Paperback
First published June 15, 1981
164 people are currently reading
771 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 41 reviews
May 8, 2019
I'm officially scarred for life.
Why, oh WHY did a homeschooled 18-year-old virgin decide to read this, you ask?! Well, sit down, 'cause I got tea to spill.
WHY I READ THIS BOOK:
I'm a uni student, and I need an elective for the semester. I like counselling. I see a counselling course about human sexuality. I read the syllabus. I think this would be a great course for helping people struggling with their sexual identity. I was bamboozled by false advertising, I realize, as this course is less about sexuality and more about how to have great sex. I cry into my pillow after witnessing multiple diAgRaMs and comfort my bank account for the gross misuse of my time and money. I also grit my teeth because I'm too stubborn to quit.
BAD THINGS ABOUT THIS BOOK:
- sexist double standards. The authors state when the wife experiences lack of desire, her disinterest must be “corrected,” implying a complete change needs to take place (p. 241). However, when the husband experiences the same thing, there's no expectation for him to “completely change” at all (p. 243).
- On pages 243, 259, and 348 homosexuality is mentioned. I love it when people mention it, but the Penners SUCKED at it, mentioning it exclusively in the context of the man. They had every opportunity to mention the struggle women face with homosexuality, but they never acknowledged it. Did they not know lesbians existed?
- So apparently if a guy doesn't want sex he's gay (I mean, what normal dude wouldn't want sex 24/7?!), but if a woman doesn't want sex she's tired from being a busy little homemaker (and let's be real, she's a woman, they all get off on talking anyway)?! I'm not kidding with you. This is seriously implied in the book.
- AGAIN with homosexuality: they treat it like it's not its own giant issue that people need to treat with care. They imply that it's a sexual roadblock equivalent to a headache that you can just get over. Dude. Sexual orientation DOESN'T change overnight, you morons!!
GOOD THINGS ABOUT THIS BOOK:
- They offer a Biblical perspective for how we should view sex and our bodies (yay body positivity!)
- They attempt to break stereotypes and myths (men should always initiate, women shouldn't enjoy sex, penis size matters, etc.). I said attempt because they promote some (busy little homemaker's too tired for sex, women can't have homosexual desires, etc.), so it's not a total success.
- They give an honest, detailed overview of human anatomy and how we respond sexually when aroused.
- They keep God at the centre.
Overall, I'd recommend this book to anyone who didn't take a 5th grade health class after warning them about the dangerous underlying thought patterns. And by "recommend this book," I mean, "recommend the first 10 chapters."
Why, oh WHY did a homeschooled 18-year-old virgin decide to read this, you ask?! Well, sit down, 'cause I got tea to spill.
WHY I READ THIS BOOK:
I'm a uni student, and I need an elective for the semester. I like counselling. I see a counselling course about human sexuality. I read the syllabus. I think this would be a great course for helping people struggling with their sexual identity. I was bamboozled by false advertising, I realize, as this course is less about sexuality and more about how to have great sex. I cry into my pillow after witnessing multiple diAgRaMs and comfort my bank account for the gross misuse of my time and money. I also grit my teeth because I'm too stubborn to quit.
BAD THINGS ABOUT THIS BOOK:
- sexist double standards. The authors state when the wife experiences lack of desire, her disinterest must be “corrected,” implying a complete change needs to take place (p. 241). However, when the husband experiences the same thing, there's no expectation for him to “completely change” at all (p. 243).
- On pages 243, 259, and 348 homosexuality is mentioned. I love it when people mention it, but the Penners SUCKED at it, mentioning it exclusively in the context of the man. They had every opportunity to mention the struggle women face with homosexuality, but they never acknowledged it. Did they not know lesbians existed?
- So apparently if a guy doesn't want sex he's gay (I mean, what normal dude wouldn't want sex 24/7?!), but if a woman doesn't want sex she's tired from being a busy little homemaker (and let's be real, she's a woman, they all get off on talking anyway)?! I'm not kidding with you. This is seriously implied in the book.
- AGAIN with homosexuality: they treat it like it's not its own giant issue that people need to treat with care. They imply that it's a sexual roadblock equivalent to a headache that you can just get over. Dude. Sexual orientation DOESN'T change overnight, you morons!!
GOOD THINGS ABOUT THIS BOOK:
- They offer a Biblical perspective for how we should view sex and our bodies (yay body positivity!)
- They attempt to break stereotypes and myths (men should always initiate, women shouldn't enjoy sex, penis size matters, etc.). I said attempt because they promote some (busy little homemaker's too tired for sex, women can't have homosexual desires, etc.), so it's not a total success.
- They give an honest, detailed overview of human anatomy and how we respond sexually when aroused.
- They keep God at the centre.
Overall, I'd recommend this book to anyone who didn't take a 5th grade health class after warning them about the dangerous underlying thought patterns. And by "recommend this book," I mean, "recommend the first 10 chapters."
May 2, 2014
One of the better Christian marriage books out there about sex. The Penners have 30+ years of sexual couples seminars and sex counseling behind them and they do a great job of covering a wide range of topics.
Only a couple times did I feel that they were basing their advice/guidance on the typical roles men and women fill in the sexual relationship. I would have liked to see the ideas of women wanting/needing sex more often and the man being sexually slower to respond be tackled.
Only a couple times did I feel that they were basing their advice/guidance on the typical roles men and women fill in the sexual relationship. I would have liked to see the ideas of women wanting/needing sex more often and the man being sexually slower to respond be tackled.
May 14, 2017
Awesome book! Highly recommend it to any married couple. The authors are experienced Christian sex therapists and I had read other shorter books by them. This one is very comprehensive, covering just about anything you might need.
May 20, 2024
4.5 stars. There’s no perfect book on this topic, but it was by far the most insightful, nuanced, faith-based book about sex that I’ve read. Considering that it was written in 2003, the fact that mutuality was the guiding principle of the entire book was refreshing. Would definitely recommend to engaged and married couples who desire a biblical AND physiological/emotional resource on intimacy.
March 12, 2014
Clifford and Joyce Penner have written a comprehensive book which begins by helping the reader understand God's original purpose and design for sex and sexuality. The book covers just about every topic and answers every question one may have about healthy sex and sexuality, ranging from enhancing pleasure further in marriages of with each spouse expresses being satisfied, to those who have virtually no active sexual intimacy within their marriage, as well as those who are experiencing various sex related problems such as erectile dysfunction, and issues related to aging and hormonal changes.
The Penners address sex and sexuality from biblical, spiritual, emotional, mental and biological perspectives which makes it a good read for those who have been married for many years, newlyweds, and couples who are preparing for marriage.
The Penners address sex and sexuality from biblical, spiritual, emotional, mental and biological perspectives which makes it a good read for those who have been married for many years, newlyweds, and couples who are preparing for marriage.
August 13, 2008
Let's talk about sex from a Christian point of view, written by a couple. You get the male and female perspective! Well written, biblically based. Must read before you get married, and read over and over throughout your marriage. Reminds you to serve each other, go that extra mile even when you don't feel like it. The results are worth it! Great shower/wedding gift.
June 26, 2022
That was such a Good overview! Will definitively keep this, so helpful in our Seminar to just married Or about to be married! Learned a lot myself! Growing and learning in this area of life will always pay off!😇😜
December 11, 2024
Super helpful and practical. They manage to deal with how men and women are different without making one seem worse (yay) and talk a lot about mutuality and mutual submission. Also more details on how physical stuff works which is super useful.
August 5, 2020
This is a fantastic book! It answers so many questions I didn't know I had. I definitely recommend it.
July 29, 2024
General impression:
The Penners have done a great job tackling a very important aspect of every married person’s life (intimacy) to create a happier relationship that lasts a lifetime. I would totally recommend it.
What I liked:
The Gift of Sex begins by explaining the gift of sexuality from a biblical standpoint, thus celebrating what God has blessed us with. Our God-given, natural sexuality is not to be demonized as it is beautiful and acts as the lubricant of our relationship with our spouse. Without it, friction is bound to happen. Although I’m not Christian, I still found myself aligning with a lot of the values in this book and very much enjoyed the conservative approach to intimacy.
Moreover, this book educates the reader on our bodies as sexual beings by giving detailed explanations of how our reproductive organs work, what they look like anatomically, and how to keep them healthy. It also provides carefully plotted graphs that illustrate the stages of sexual arousal in men and women. I particularly enjoyed how the authors gave about four graphs for women’s arousal patterns, appreciating how different women can be whether that’s due to a normal variant or due to being an adult child of an alcoholic (ACA) for example. The book gives multiple exercises for the couple to use to learn more about their bodies to bring that newly acquired knowledge to their intimate relationship later on.
Furthermore, the Gift of Sex discusses major issues that a lot of couples experience such as differing sexual needs, pain during sexual intercourse, lack of “love” after the honeymoon phase, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, pornography addiction, and many more. Of course, appropriate advice was given for each issue with book recommendations for further guidance.
What I disliked:
I would say that I didn’t particularly enjoy the repetitive nature of the book, and it definitely put me off slightly. In my opinion, it was unnecessarily wordy where the ideas could’ve been relayed much more succinctly.
The Penners have done a great job tackling a very important aspect of every married person’s life (intimacy) to create a happier relationship that lasts a lifetime. I would totally recommend it.
What I liked:
The Gift of Sex begins by explaining the gift of sexuality from a biblical standpoint, thus celebrating what God has blessed us with. Our God-given, natural sexuality is not to be demonized as it is beautiful and acts as the lubricant of our relationship with our spouse. Without it, friction is bound to happen. Although I’m not Christian, I still found myself aligning with a lot of the values in this book and very much enjoyed the conservative approach to intimacy.
Moreover, this book educates the reader on our bodies as sexual beings by giving detailed explanations of how our reproductive organs work, what they look like anatomically, and how to keep them healthy. It also provides carefully plotted graphs that illustrate the stages of sexual arousal in men and women. I particularly enjoyed how the authors gave about four graphs for women’s arousal patterns, appreciating how different women can be whether that’s due to a normal variant or due to being an adult child of an alcoholic (ACA) for example. The book gives multiple exercises for the couple to use to learn more about their bodies to bring that newly acquired knowledge to their intimate relationship later on.
Furthermore, the Gift of Sex discusses major issues that a lot of couples experience such as differing sexual needs, pain during sexual intercourse, lack of “love” after the honeymoon phase, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, pornography addiction, and many more. Of course, appropriate advice was given for each issue with book recommendations for further guidance.
What I disliked:
I would say that I didn’t particularly enjoy the repetitive nature of the book, and it definitely put me off slightly. In my opinion, it was unnecessarily wordy where the ideas could’ve been relayed much more succinctly.
February 10, 2019
The only value this book produces is biological education on how the human body functions sexually. And a guide to communicate with your partner. Otherwise I walked away from this read with less confidence as a married woman. I consider myself very knowledgeable about the subject of sex. It has a lot of repetitive content. And throughout the book are suggestive scenarios that support poor and controversial opinions.
“Some men seek to prove they are adequate sexually by becoming involved with another partner.”
Referring to before marriage- “A couple and physician SHOULD discuss birth control methods.” Not very impressive as a “Christian” book.
“Some men seek to prove they are adequate sexually by becoming involved with another partner.”
Referring to before marriage- “A couple and physician SHOULD discuss birth control methods.” Not very impressive as a “Christian” book.
Currently reading
February 14, 2011This is a book of great wisdom. While I have only read the first five or six chapters, it has been very good to do so. I am currently engaged and if I read anymore I might go crazy in anticipation before the wedding day. The quality of the information is really good. It talks a lot about how our past affects our attitudes toward sex and the pitfalls that many fall into which can be avoided. I recommend this book and can't wait to finish it when I get married. It is also part of our curriculum in my Marriage and Family class at CBU.
November 3, 2017
As a Christian newlywed, this book has given a lot of information on how to view sex, which subject is often considered taboo in Christianity - I mean, it's never really spoken out loud. That being said, I find some of the chapters quite repetitive. I'd probably like some more case studies.
I'd recommend this book especially to engaged couples and newlyweds!
I'd recommend this book especially to engaged couples and newlyweds!
March 1, 2015
This is a very informative book, founded on biblical principles. I recommend it for every couple to read, especially if one or both partners have questions about sex and sexuality, and/or are facing difficult times in their marriage bed.
July 12, 2015
This book provided pretty solid biblical teachings regarding human sexuality in marriage. The only objection I would have is what they teach regarding masturbation. Lust is a sin, which is intrinsic to masturbation. Otherwise this is an excellent resource for sex in marriage.
October 30, 2017
I love this book! It's very practical and covers a very broad range of subjects regarding sex. It's been super helpful to me personally. I would highly recommend this book to Christian married couples.
February 3, 2008
helpful right before marriage
August 21, 2009
husband and wifes views
May 3, 2011
It was helpful. Not too annoying. I enjoyed my read.
May 2, 2014
Awesome resource for those preparing for marriage or struggling with intimacy in marriage
July 2, 2024
I read this book after being a somewhat disappointed in Sheila Gregoire's The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. This book is so much better! It has a very positive view of sex, a thorough overview of normal anatomy and sexual relations and some common problems with detailed solutions. It also doesn't wade too much into relationship issues, and when it does, I like it's emphasis on communicating without blaming (using I and avoiding you when discussing sexual issues) and expressing desires (instead of leaving the spouse to guess or just take hints). Sometimes communication does need to be more involved with back and forth, but the authors remind the spouses to basically "focus on the heart message" of the other spouse instead of immediately jumping to being defensive. The only downside to this book is that it IS so thorough, detailed, and, therefore, dense.
As a Christian I was a little worried about any potential sections on masturbation, and while it was walking a fine line and may have stepped over it a hair, I think in the end it was fine. There may be instances where masturbation inside of a marriage is appropriate (like a husband deployed overseas engaging in phone sex with his wife), but that in the end, the authors say to NOT engage in it unless it is the most loving thing you can do. If it's not loving, then don't do it. (For context, I'm not going to die on the hill of masturbation being a sin, but I do think it can easily become problematic and therefore a sin... if it leads to pornography usage... or avoidance of intimacy with your spouse... or avoidance of fixing a relationship issue....)
Additional context: I facilitate a small group among Christian women for support in implementing Laura Doyle's 6 Skills in The Empowered Wife. There was interest expressed to read a more "physical intimacy" focused book, which is why we read The Good Girl's Guide (as mentioned above)--as part of a book club within that group. However, feeling somewhat disappointed in The Good Girl's Guide, I've now determined to read several other books in an effort to find better sex books to recommend to fellow Christians. Other books I will be reading and reviewing: The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex (Gregoire), The Great Sex Rescue (Gregoire), Sex 101 (Penner), and The Act of Marriage (LaHaye) - these are reviewed, currently, in process or will be read soon. We'll see if I have to add any more to the list!
As a Christian I was a little worried about any potential sections on masturbation, and while it was walking a fine line and may have stepped over it a hair, I think in the end it was fine. There may be instances where masturbation inside of a marriage is appropriate (like a husband deployed overseas engaging in phone sex with his wife), but that in the end, the authors say to NOT engage in it unless it is the most loving thing you can do. If it's not loving, then don't do it. (For context, I'm not going to die on the hill of masturbation being a sin, but I do think it can easily become problematic and therefore a sin... if it leads to pornography usage... or avoidance of intimacy with your spouse... or avoidance of fixing a relationship issue....)
Additional context: I facilitate a small group among Christian women for support in implementing Laura Doyle's 6 Skills in The Empowered Wife. There was interest expressed to read a more "physical intimacy" focused book, which is why we read The Good Girl's Guide (as mentioned above)--as part of a book club within that group. However, feeling somewhat disappointed in The Good Girl's Guide, I've now determined to read several other books in an effort to find better sex books to recommend to fellow Christians. Other books I will be reading and reviewing: The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex (Gregoire), The Great Sex Rescue (Gregoire), Sex 101 (Penner), and The Act of Marriage (LaHaye) - these are reviewed, currently, in process or will be read soon. We'll see if I have to add any more to the list!
March 24, 2023
4 stars because there’s no one I don’t recommend this book to! Dating, engaged, newly weds, long-time married couples…there’s something in it for everyone. My husband and I read this before we got married and it was incredibly informative and even helped me have a pain-free first time. They approach both the physical (anatomy) and emotional (mental, relational) side of sex and every pro and con that could possibly come with it, including issues you or your spouse might experience with age later on in life. The spiritual aspect in this book isn’t so heavy that I would ward off suggesting it to someone who wasn’t a Christian—I think it’s not so in-your-face that they could ignore it or even just apply it to their own beliefs. There were a couple of areas that were definitely “off” with mentioning problems one sex might have yet excluding the other, even though said problems apply to both sexes…so a few spots irked me a bit, but not so much that I stopped reading or didn’t find the rest of the book vastly helpful. Just wish they would have approached these other areas for the opposite sex.
This book does contain graphic explanations and some illustrations, so be warned. However I will mention, my husband and I both struggled with porn for years and had no problems with this book, since they present it in a very “scientific” and matter of fact kind of way. That being said, this book probably isn’t the best for teens unless they’re sexually active.
This book does contain graphic explanations and some illustrations, so be warned. However I will mention, my husband and I both struggled with porn for years and had no problems with this book, since they present it in a very “scientific” and matter of fact kind of way. That being said, this book probably isn’t the best for teens unless they’re sexually active.
April 23, 2021
My husband and I read this book together after being recommended this book through our One Year 5 Love Language Devotional. This book brought me insight on the effects of some of the trauma we had both experienced, but fell short when providing ways to overcome those specific issues. They do provide applicable information on several other issues people may be experiencing. However this book is extremely repetitive and seems to ramble on an on beating a dead horse. My husband and I did find ourselves laughing a lot when reading this book aloud.
February 22, 2023
Ummmmm where do I start? Definitely think this book is purposed for newly married virgins or people who lack sexual experience who want to make sex enjoyable and fulfilling to their spouse. Can’t say that I “learned” anything revolutionary and most of the book is backed by “the science of how our bodies work” of course it’s also biblically based so it was nice to see what God says about intimacy, and sex as if concerns marriage. Would I recommend this book to a close friend? Not without prefacing it first
December 31, 2023
Probably one of the most NEEDED books for Christian Married couples hands down. Especially those who grew up in "Purity Culture" times of religion (90s-2000s) This book is beautifully written and breaks the religious stigma of sex, desire, sexuality, and passion and brings it all back to the Creator Backed by scripture and research! Please do yourself a your marriage (or future marriage) a favor and read this book! (as a couple or individually) I promise you will learn something and grow your marriage and your sex life to another level.
February 26, 2021
Excellent book for couples
I was blown away by the clarity and depth of information. I also did not expect the deep, significant parallels to one's spiritual life. But it has changed my view of my relationship with God, and His goodness in how He created sex. This is an excellent read for Christian couples who are working on their marriage or even preparing for marriage. I highly recommend it!
I was blown away by the clarity and depth of information. I also did not expect the deep, significant parallels to one's spiritual life. But it has changed my view of my relationship with God, and His goodness in how He created sex. This is an excellent read for Christian couples who are working on their marriage or even preparing for marriage. I highly recommend it!
May 21, 2023
90% of people do not receive a good education on this subject. If that's you, you'll likely find this very helpful. I really enjoyed the God-centered approach, practical activities for couples to try, and positive tone. Unfortunately, the authors offer scant help for couples where one or both partners have experienced past trauma. These couples may benefit from additional resources or a different book altogether.
April 10, 2022
This book came highly recommended from a neat podcast. This book held hard-won wisdom from a husband wife team of sex therapists. Enlightening and solid advice from a relatable, healthy Christian perspective. Emphasizing women’s pleasure as having equal focus as a man’s in Godly marriage relationship. Lots of practical tips too. Bravo.
April 14, 2023
So many Christian sexual help books are only about how to "keep your mind pure." This book is not one of those. The Penners give practical advice that can truly help you enjoy your sex life with your spouse.
November 13, 2025
SO GOOD. Amazing emphasis on equality, communication, and togetherness a couple. The authors speak to countless countless struggles & hurdles while emphasizing our identities as sexual creatures designed for intimacy.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 41 reviews