The Second Family: Dealing with Peer Power, Pop Culture, the Wall of Silence -- and Other Challenges of Raising Today's Teens

by Ron Taffel, Melinda Blau

If you have a teen or pre-teen, you recognize the phenomenon already-perhaps without even knowing it has a name. "The second family," as uncompromisingly described by renowned therapist Dr. Ron Taffel is the immense collective power of the peer group and pop culture-a force so pervasive, it threatens to, and often succeeds in, overwhelming the first family of adults at home and in school. Derived from thousands of interviews with kids and adults, The Second Family uses real-life, sometimes graphic examples to bare the truth about the world of adolescence today and to illuminate the new set of rules by which kids operate.

The second family can be scary to adults. While many parents bury their heads, insisting "not my child," Taffel reveals that even "good" children:
- Chronically lie without a trace of guilt
- Have sex at astonishingly early ages
- Do drugs and alcohol not to be bad but simply because they are there

Yet there are healthy aspects to the second family that often go unrecognized:
- A secret moral code of peer support that will surprise you
- Boys and girls as best friends
- Boys taking care of friends in emotional need
- Girls becoming powerful group leaders
- A social structure for teens that provides a type of intimacy, support, communication and honesty he or she can't find anywhere else.

It is impossible to understand today's teens or preteens without understanding the Second Family. Taffel opens a window into a closed world of frightening dangers and equally uplifting possibilities.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

224 pages, Paperback

First published March 7, 2001

Reviews

[Joshua · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book scared the HECK out of me but also showed me how adults can respond to adolescents who are increasingly turning to the "second family" (pop culture and peers) when their first family fails to engage with them. We need to take an active interest in kids and teens. This book will help parents to see the all-too-possible reality of what their children may be doing, give them practical steps to take to draw them back into the first family, and show them how to make good use of the strengths of the second family.

[Tim · Rating 4 out of 5]

I will definitely use the insights in this book with families. Key concepts include balancing empathy with expectations and noticing how teens are different in positive ways when they are with friends, often getting needs met in the second family that they should be getting from the first.