Mixed Matches: How to Create Successful Interracial, Interethnic, and Interfaith Relationships

by Joel Crohn

Mixed matches are more complicated relationships than those between people from similar backgrounds. Often, the very qualities that attracted us to our partners ultimately lie at the roots of our most difficult problems. For even when partners don't feel a strong identification with their racial, religious, or cultural groups, they discover that their loyalty to the past goes deeper than they realized. Psychotherapist Joel Crohn has learned in years of counseling couples in cross-cultural relationships that how partners negotiate their cultural and religious differences is as important as what the difference are.

Over time, the reserve of a Protestant wife can seem like emotional withholding to her Jewish husband, whose openness seems intrusive to her. An Asian father may feel his children need more discipline, while his American wife thinks they have it harder than she did. A black Trinidadian man is excited about the opportunities in the United States, while his Detroit-born black girlfriend thinks he's naive about racism. The methods in Mixed Matches have helped these and many other couples approach each other compassionately, teaching them to "translate" their different styles of expression and negotiate successful resolutions. Dr. Crohn also offers practical advice on how couples can confront prejudice and stereotypes, deal with in-laws, and help children achieve a sense of identity in a bicultural family.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Psychology

352 pages, Paperback

First published February 7, 1995

Reviews

[Chanita]

In a largely unnoticed revolution, millions of people are now defying taboos and forming intimate relationships with partners from other cultural, religious, and racial backgrounds. ... In addition to the social and familial conflicts, Crohn also discusses culturally based conflicts that may too easily be understood merely as irreconcilable personality differences. He goes on to describe methods for helping couples resolve the problems that arise from varying world views. Various exercises, in-depth questionnaires, and sample dialogue allow the reader to learn by observing how other couples and families have built bridges across their differences. An exhaustive "resource" section, including support groups, books for young adults, and bibliographies, concludes the book. Crohn's attempt to address the problems of a broad spectrum of "inter-" marriages will make this an appropriate book for librarians to recommend widely. Recommended for all public libraries.
adapted from
Marty D. Evensvold, Magnolia P.L., Tex.
Copyright 1995 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the #1 book I recommend to people wanting to better understand, or better cope with, cross-cultural marriage and families.

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

By far the book’s biggest weakness is the date. However, the fact that a book from the 1990s is not out of print speaks to its enduring relevance and usefulness for couples in “mixed matches”. It is an excellent discussion of mixed matches: along religious, racial, and cultural lines. Dr. Crohn became interested in “melting pot” marriages based on his own between Judaism and Christianity. He began to academically study them, both reading other research, conducting his own research, and gaining clinical competency in counseling these couples. Once maligned as avenues for heartbreak and dismissed as mental illness acted out, the tides have been blessedly turning toward acceptance of mixed matches in both the clinical world and in general public opinion. Crohn articulates a dual-nature perspective toward mixed matches that we need to hold: It is very important to acknowledge these differences in culture and outlooks as real without giving them power to split the goodwill, kindness, and respect of the couple to another. At the end of the day, we are all humans deserving of love and respect who seek peace. That being said, culture, faith, and race shape experience, and couples must acknowledge that. Dr. Crohn helps people systematically inventory these varying outlooks and values so the transparency becomes a starting point for couples to navigate without known starting points. A huge mantra could be, “Talk about it all! Assume nothing!” The book also spends plenty of time illustrating seminal moments where the melting nature is illuminated (significant rituals like weddings, births, and deaths). Also given devoted time are navigating friends, family, and raising children who are both supported in their navigating and integration of their duel (or more) heritages that shape who they are and how the world looks at them based on how they look. Plenty of resources at the end which are in all likelihood out of print and may be superseded by newer eBooks, but forgive that as the text is incredibly useful for “mixed match” couples! Out of print does not mean impossible to find! Also, the organizations listed may also be defunct or have new names or contact information.

*** For more relationship resources, please visit my website: www.thecouplessyllabus.com ***

[Raymond Yee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even though Laura and I never finished reading this book, it was instrumental in helping us to talk through our differences -- and commonalities during our early dating days.

[Dawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've long ago lost track of how many people I have suggested read this book. It is still (2016) the best book for interfaith couples out there.