Evie: Oh no, I have to go to this stupid boarding school since my grandmother is sick, my dad’s in the army and my mom is dead! Stupid boarding school!
Me: Well, that’s pretty sad about your family and all, but at least you get a good education for free, you know?
Evie: And the stupid cabman wouldn’t even drive me! He just used weird words like “yonder” and muttered dark, cryptic things about the boarding school!
Me: That’s pretty weird. This is a tiny village, right? I have to just assume this, because you barely leave the school grounds and never really meet townspeople again. But anyway, how many places does this cabman have to drive to? You’d think most of his business would involve ferrying students to and from school.
Evie: I didn’t think about the stupid cabman very much because I had to WALK and it was gross and then this boy tried to run me over with his horse. He didn’t even care about ME getting hurt, just about his stupid horse.
Me: Jerk! I bet you hate him.
Evie: I was SO mad! And then I cried because he broke the frame of my dead mother’s picture. And then he felt bad. And he’s super dreamy. How can you stay mad at someone so hot? Besides he’s, like, so mysterious with his talk about dangers and meeting again and me being from the sea.
Me: Yeah, sounds like a real catch. Okay, so what about the boarding school?
Evie: Stupid boarding school! With stupid, shallow rich girls and a stupid, mean headmistress. And then just because I’m a SCHOLARSHIP student I have to do stupid chores like Cinderella!
Me: Scholarship students doing chores is a pretty strange policy. What’s that all about?
Evie: Oh, whatever, it never comes up again. It was just a way to introduce me to Helen Black, this weirdo other scholarship student who everyone else despises.
Lady Agnes: Dear Diary, blah blah blah exposition. My beloved best friend S. has returned from his travels! Delightful! Although I talk about everyone else by name, I only refer to him by his initial. I do so love being mysterious! Also, my mother will likely try to marry me off to some bore with a title. I shall do no such thing! I shall only marry for love, regardless of wealth or rank! And I hate corsets! And women should get to vote! And have whichever job they choose! And be paid equally with men! I-I’m sorry. Sometimes I do get carried away with anachronistic thoughts! Ta!
Me: What was that?
Evie; What was what?
Me: Didn’t you—never mind. Okay, go on. You’re at the stupid boarding school with a bunch of stupid people.
Evie: Yes. And this girl Celeste is rich and popular and she HATES me. And she and her cronies threw my clothes on the floor and put black silk and rose petals on my bed and surrounded it with funeral candles!
Me: *snicker*
Evie: IT’S NOT FUNNY!!
Me: Yes it is! Where did they get rose petals? And black silk? And funeral candles? That’s a lot of effort for such a lame prank.
Evie: IT WAS TRAMAUTIZING!
Me: I’m sure it was. So, why did they do this?
Evie: Because this girl Laura who was, like, Celeste’s bestie, drowned in the lake. And they said I took her bed. I was sleeping in a dead girl’s bed. I mean, eww!
Me: I hope they at least changed the sheets.
Evie: Eww. Anyway, then I kept seeing this ghost girl who looks like me. Well, she has red hair like me. And she wears funny clothes! And rooms suddenly have strange people and look different and I keep fainting. It’s weird.
Me: That is strange. So what do you do about it?
Evie: Do?
Me: Yeah. Do you talk to anybody about it? Do some research? Anything?
Evie: I don’t understand.
Me: Of course you don’t, sweetie. Okay, what’s next?
Evie: Well, then I talked to Sarah. She likes animals. She told me about Lady Agnes and how she lived here and then she DIED and it became a school. And Sarah’s, like, a gypsy! Her great-grandmother was a Roma adopted by this English couple and she was sent to this school which has always been the most exclusive school in England and they didn’t want to accept a gypsy. But her parents donated a lot of money and so she got in.
Me: Wait, wait. Didn’t Lady Agnes die in 1884? And Evie’s great-grandmother probably went to school in about 1900? So the school was AT MOST about 15 years old? How was it already “always” the most exclusive school in England?
Evie: I don’t know. Stop asking me questions.
Lady Agnes: Dear Diary, my dearest friend S. found a mysterious book in the Orient. It is called The Mysticke Way. No, diary, I do not know why it has such a silly name. Apparently the vendor just gave him this book! He asked for no money at all! How silly foreigners are! The book makes me quite nervous, but S. is very intent on using it. I’m sure it will just be a little game. Spiritualism is all the rage nowadays, but I shall make no mention of actual historical people or events or ideas in this diary.
Me: Seriously, why does this story keep getting interrupted by these useless diary entries?
Evie: Stop talking about things that aren’t me. All the teachers are so mean. They won’t even let me wear my grandmother’s very super special necklace. Did I mention my grandmother gave me a necklace? And I always wear it? And it’s my grandmother’s? I hid it under my shirt so the teachers certainly can’t see it. Also, I keep getting demerits. I HATE this school.
Me: Yeah, them’s the breaks, kiddo.
Lady Agnes: Dear Diary, I used the book with S. It is in somewhat oldish language, but mostly it is regular spelling with “e”s added to the ends of words. Rather queer. S. and I did a ritual and I was touched by the Secret Fire. I feel so powerful! S. was quite put out that I gained power that he did not.
Evie: Well, I suddenly really wanted to go swimming. So I decided to sneak out at night and go swimming in the lake.
Me: Wait, wait, wait. You wanted to go swimming in the lake? Alone? At night? Without telling anyone what you were doing?
Evie: Yes.
Me: Didn’t your mother drown?!?!?
Evie: Yes.
Me: Didn’t that girl Laura drown in the lake?!?!?
Evie: Yes.
Me: Do you have a death wish? Why would you do something so incredibly stupid? Do you have no sense of self-preservation?
Evie: I don’t understand what you’re talking about. I like swimming.
Me: Shoot me now. Please.
Evie: I’m really glad I decided to sneak down to the lake because there I ran into the dreamy boy who tried to kill me with his horse and was really rude to me earlier.
Me: What, he was just lurking by the lake hoping you’d go for a suicidal swim that night?
Evie: IT WAS ROMANTIC. He said he just knew that I’d be there because he’s, like, my soulmate. And he said that he wanted to know everything about me and that he had been waiting for me his whole life. His name is Sebastian. What a dreamy name.
Me: So you seem to like him. I can’t understand why.
Evie: I told you. He’s dreamy. And we, just, like, connect. Plus, he’s super smart. He’s going to Oxford. And he’s really deep. He doesn’t want to just drink and show off like all the other boys at Oxford. He wants to know about immortal truths. Isn’t that, like, dreamy?
Me: Okay, so he’s smart and deep. So what do you talk about? Why are we here? Why do we die? Why, if there is a God, He lets terrible things happen to innocent people?
Evie: BORING. No, we talk about me. About how he loves me and always wants to be with me and how beautiful and wonderful I am and how dark and mysterious he is.
Me: This is such a shallow and dull relationship.
Evie: SHUT UP!! IT’S WONDERFUL AND ROMANTIC AND EPIC!
Lady Agnes: Dear Diary, S. is my dearest friend and I love him so, but sometimes he scares me. He wants more power. The book says a male must have a coven to gain true power. I refuse to be part of S.’s harem! I also keep seeing this strange girl who looks like me. Well, she has red hair like me. I know that she is S.’s true love. Even though I love him as well, I am oddly content with the idea that this queer girl is his destiny.
Me: Seriously, WHY do these diary entries keep appearing? What do they add?
Evie: What diary entries? Why do you keep muttering strange things? It’s only okay to be cryptic if you’re a hot guy or a random villager. ANWAY back to me, Sebastian and I had a fight. It is SO TRAGIC. Sebastian said we couldn’t be together anymore because it was too dangerous. I bet he was just ashamed to show me to his family! Sure, all we do is hang out at night by the lake and talk about me and mysterious things I don’t think too hard about but OUR LOVE IS EPIC. We are meant to be together forever.
Me: Okay, this is just dragging on. So, Sebastian is dreamy or whatever and you love him but he keeps saying he’s too dangerous and refuses to reveal anything important about himself. The girls at school are mean, except for Sarah who is nice and Helen who is weird. The teachers are weird and mean. You go to class but never seem to do homework or learn anything. Get to the good stuff.
Evie: The teachers are an evil coven! I KNOW! You totally didn’t see that coming, right? And they serve Sebastian as their Master because he’s going to give them immortality! They’re not worried about the fact that they’re the third generation of this coven and no one’s got any immortality yet. And Sebastian is immortal! Except he isn’t! He is kind of a ghost or something now but will become a demon if he doesn’t get the Talisman. Which is my grandmother’s necklace. Which is a family heirloom. Because Lady Agnes, is my great-great-great grandmother! She put all her power into the necklace to keep it from Sebastian! Because Sebastian is S.! Who saw that coming?!?!? And Sebastian was the one to kill Lady Agnes. But it was an accident! And he feels bad about it now!
Me: Wait, WHAT?!? Sebastian killed your ancestor and you don’t even blink?!? He’s a murderer and you don’t even care a little bit?
Evie: He’s dreamy and I love him so much! What’s a little thing like murder in the face of a love like ours? Besides, he told me he never wants to hurt me. Though he might in the future when he becomes more of a demon and has to kill me to get the Talisman and become truly immortal. Sigh. Isn’t that the most tragically romantic thing you’ve ever heard?
Me: You say tragically romantic. I say miserably stupid.
Evie: And the evil coven has been searching for the Talisman. They knew I was related to Lady Agnes, but didn’t question me or try to take my SuperSpecialAwesome necklace ever. Oh, and if you get three demerits they send you to detention but REALLY they steal your life force.
Me: Why do they wait for three demerits? Why don’t they hand out demerits more easily so they can get more life force? Why don’t they just steal a little bit of all the students’ life forces? Why didn’t they just try to steal your life force when you arrived because they knew who you were and kept giving you demerits anyway?
Evie: *confused* You keep saying things I just DON’T understand.
Me: You know what? This is dumb. This is beyond dumb. And I just don’t care anymore. Go off and pine for your murderous demon boyfriend and fail to do anything useful ever and stop talking to me. I’m done with you.