Hiding from Love

by John Townsend

A journey of discovery toward healing, connected relationships, and a new freedom and joy in living. When you experience emotional injury, fear, or shame, your first impulse is to hide the hurting parts of yourself from God, others, and even yourself. Often, you've learned these hiding patterns during childhood to protect yourself in a threatening environment. The problem is that when you hide your injuries and frailties, you isolate yourself from the very things you need in order to heal and mature--connection, intimacy, and love. What served as protection for a child becomes a prison to an adult. In Hiding from Love , Dr. John Townsend helps you explore the hiding patterns you've developed and guides you toward the healing grace and truth of safe, connected relationships with God and others. You'll Workbook also available.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Counselling, Christian Living

304 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1991

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, popular speaker, co-host of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and a cofounder of the Cloud-Townsend Clinic and Cloud-Townsend Resources. He has written or co-written twenty-seven books, including the bestselling Boundaries, Safe People, and Hiding from Love. He and his wife, Barbi, live in southern California. They have two grown sons.

Reviews

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't usually write a review. I just don't care to take the time. But this book was profound. Most books on these kinds of topics I find to be pretty simplistic. This book was profound. You need to re read it when you are done. Or else read it slowly. They really know how to use scripture wisely. You will really find yourself so to speak in the pages of this book. For those of you who, like me, want to be as healed as you can this side of heaven and want to love with all that is within you and love like Jesus as much as you can, this book is for you.

In order to love well, we must be healed in the areas where we have been wounded and that we hide from love without even knowing it. Or that we withhold love without realizing it. It was really a profound book. I will be recommending it a lot.

[Sherry · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of those books that's hard to review. This book took me on an emotional journey from the start. There were literally weeks where I couldn't read because I was overwhelmed with discovery, with letting go, with recognizing the parts of me that were injured, that were broken, the parts that needed LOVE.

God set me on this journey last summer when He put the desire for marriage, for a committed companionship, onto my heart. I've spent much of that wondering why. Why would He bring me to this and I would still be alone? Why would He bring me here and not bring my intended spouse here as well? Crazy, but Here is not the end of my journey. Here is where I have the desire to fill God's plans for me, to fix the brokenness... to not just accept God and His love, but to be able to accept another choosing me.

I highly recommend this book to anyone struggling with relationships, anyone who wants a relationship, and anyone who is in a relationship.

[Aaron Hicks · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal book that helps believers walk through past pain and difficulties internally and relationally to others. This book was great to help me name and diagnosis ways that I struggle and fail in relating with others and offered biblically sound ways to grow and move past it. If you are a believer and you should read this book for sure!!

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of out of context Bible verses 😅 but currently I still like this book

[Barry Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Subtitled How to Change the WithDrawal Patterns That Isolate and Imprison you, this practical and challenging book uses the four key themes of character development - our needs for attachment, separation, resolving good and bad, and authority and adulthood to step the reader through the helpful and harmful effects of hiding. A graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary and a clinical psychologist, Townsend approaches the subject with solid Biblical support. After presenting what he calls “our two biggest problems” - We’re Not Finished Yet and We Fear What We Need, he spends time developing the importance of each of the four themes, moving on to address the helpful and harmful sides of hiding in each of these areas.

Using the metaphor of a young lady, Jenny, who is hiding in the forest from the very soldiers that have been sent to rescue her, Townsend provides practical applications, many with Biblical support, on how to address these issues. The reader is challenged to identify personal hiding patterns, with charts at the end of each chapter to summarize hiding practices, both internal and relational.

This exceptional book closes with a chapter on Coming Out of Hiding, delivering practical, Biblical advice on actions to take to move beyond our Hiding From Love.

Dr. Townsend closes as follows:

“Our redemption is accomplished as we hide in God rather than hide from Him. It is God’s love that comes looking for us in our secret hideouts.

My prayer for you is that as you turn away from the dark places of your own shame, fears, and anxieties, you will look first at the kind face of Officer Josef whom God has provided to help you to safety and growth.

May we all become such restored, loving, imaginative, and observant people. And may you find God and others walking with you as you come out of hiding!”

[Liz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Too long and too much of a mishmash of other Townsend books. There's a fictional story at the beginning that is referred to in each chapter, which feels odd considering that Townsend uses plenty of stories to illustrate his points. Referring back to the fictional story makes the story seem even more contrived than it was.

That aside, the recap of boundaries, attachment styles, and relational coping mechanisms through the lens of how we hide from ourselves and others is a helpful reflection tool.

[Антонія · Rating 5 out of 5]

Одна з найсильніших книг цього автора. Може, це тому, що вона про стосунки. Способи ховатися від них і сильну потребу, аби хтось нас знайшов і запевнив, що боятися і ховатися більше не потрібно.

Книга показує всі можливі схованки, причини такої поведінки, а також вчить грамотно виходити з безпечних місць у безпечні стосунки. Вчить розрізняти, з котрими людьми буде безпечно, а такою як самому стати такою особою.

Книга глибока, з християнськими цінностями, повна мудрості та дороговказів.

[Nicole Telaneus · Rating 3 out of 5]

For anyone who struggles in relationships or dealing with their own emotions, I think this is a good place to start. I read it with a girl I disciple and we had many fruitful conversations and insights! Overall, it was a good read but I have a couple of qualms.

However, I do think a lot of his descriptions of unhealthy habits/patterns are confusing and I don’t feel like I was able to fully grasp what he was saying. I also think he makes some bold claims that aren’t backed up biblically and there are a handful of scriptures that he uses out of context or stretches to fit what he is trying to say.

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

Will be talking about this book & recommending it to any & everyone for the foreseeable future. & I’m not sorry about it.

[Andrea M · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have benefited from reading this book by learning to accept the how my weaknesses stem from my parents weaknesses. I have been blind to most of these weaknesses until now. But with this book I am empowered to form healthy relationships, repair the relationships I have with members of my family and grow into a mature adult from all aspects. This book is coming from a Christian worldview yet even if you don't accept the worldview, the ideas that the authors are trying to explain are still a valid pathway to wholeness.

Quotes from the book:
"It's difficult to know when our self-protective behaviors, thoughts or feelings are helpful or harmful." p.166

"When our ability to love is greater than our need for justice we joyfully suffer. When our need for justice exceeds our ability to love, we responsibly withdraw." p. 128

"Depression is the inability to process loss or rage." p.100

"Our ability to bond deeply with God and others, and our ability to take biblical responsibility for ourselves, determines much of the quality and meaningfulness of our adult lives. These two needs for attachment and separateness can become important pathways to growth." p.85

[Andrea M · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really recommend going through the workbook after reading each chapter if you want to implement the principles and don't want to use a professional therapist. I made a lot of progress on my own by using the workbook. I might still need therapy but I have uncovered the root causes of the bad fruit in my life. This comes from the biblical idea that you reap what you sow and what generations before you have sown in your heart. I answered each question into a text document on the computer and highlighted the answers that were particularly insightful. I felt like I was digging up the past but I hope to grow now instead of reburying my injuries.

[Prashanth · Rating 1 out of 5]

This might work for you if you're a super religious Christian. The author presents some very on the surface hypothetical scenarios, then quotes the Bible, asks us to stop hiding because God says so without any reasoning or explanation.

The author also talks about attachment theory and hiding patterns. It's not very in depth, usually a one sentence explanation followed by a hypothetical, unrelatable scenario then quotes the Bible.

I read it as it was part of a book club but if you're a person that believes in logical reasoning and asking the "who, what, when and why?" questions, this isn't for you.

[Olive Chan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A blend of psychology and biblical wisdom. This book was really helpful for me in terms of identifying the pains in the past that are keeping me from freely loving and being loved in the present. It took me a while to finish it because it's a pretty weighty read (lots of application to life). I wouldn't use it as the only resource for healing, but this is one solid step.

[Debra Moorer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a big turning point in my life that god had plan. It comes with book and workbook. We did it as a bible study. Interview each person for confidently. Then after this group we started a " life" goup and did "the wildflower" series. A lot of hard issues that needed to be uncovered and pocess. However how far I have come to be the person god has plans for me.

[Janelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hiding From Love would have to be the most helpful book I have read this year. It answered many of my questions and explained very clearly personal behaviour patterns that I have struggled with for many years. No book can fix you overnight, but with this one I feel that I have been given Biblical tools and the direction to carry me on the path to healing.

[Esther · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book more helpful than "Boundaries" which he co-authored with Dr. Henry Cloud. While this books deals primarily with the hiding patterns that separate us from our interpersonal relationships, it never loses sight of the following truth: "Our redemption is accomplished as we hide in God rather than hide from Him. It is God's love that comes looking for us in our secret hideouts."

[Bryan Eberl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Man I am so glad I stuck this one out. I was intrigued at the first chapter, then confused and almost stopped reading after chapters 2-4, then from 5 on it penetrated parts of
my heart I haven’t dug into in a long time, and many more layers I did not know I posses. I will reflect on this book for years to come. It essentially walks through attachment, hiding, and reattachment tendencies. It is like a guide to directly address parts inside and out that need heart maturity and growth, and then paints a picture of how to grow. It also does it in line with scripture, ultimately helping you hide less before God and relationships while also allowing boundaries for healing first and balanced.

Some quotes:

- God has made us all stewards of certain things in our lives, for which no one else can take responsibility.
- Often, people with shaky boundarles may feel resentful about the supposed power of others over them, not reallzing that they have given their power to those others.
- We need to find maturing, caring people who will love our boundaries just as much as they love our attachment.
- A woman in the hospital was surprised to find in group therapy that she couldn't talk about her issues without mentioning her husband in every sentence. Another patient told her, “he’s not in the room, so we can't help him." She hadn't realzed how she had blamed most of her problems on him.
- When we learn to accept another's boundaries, we are saying, in effect, "If you don't give me what I want, God and I will find another way to get my need met." It keeps the other person out of a position of indispensability, which is actually a form of idolatry.
- Depression is. the inablity to process loss or rage. It's a heavy paralysis of the soul that won't allow it to finish resolving a problem. Sadness Is actually the antidote to depression. Depression is static and unmoving, but sadness moves toward resolving loss. That's why David declared, "Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5)
- We are to see authority as a positional, not a personal, issue. God has delegated people over us for His own reasons. We do not pick which supervisor is over us at work. But that superv. sor's authority does not rest in his fairness, or whether or not we respect him. It rests in the authority of the corporation. And the authority of the corporation rests in God.
- Helpful hiding is the opposite of forcing ourselves to sufer resentfully. It takes wisdom to know how much deprivation we can take in a relationship before real damage occurs. The biblical solution is to withdraw in order to protect the soul. This means knowing when our need for justice is greater than our ability to love.”
- When we withdraw, we remove ourselves from the pain or Injury or distractions that keep us from love. When we feel safe again, we can move back into connection. When we’re under stress, or have been hurt in a relationship, we need a time of boundary repair before our soul is ready to reattach. Once our boundaries are reestablished, we are prepared for love.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is chock full of wisdom for anyone who wants to brave the journey toward healing, connected relationships, and a new freedom and joy in living. I read it especially with an eye to helping a few people close to me who struggle with attachment wounding - I highly recommend this to parents, teachers, and caregivers. If you value responsible love, you will greatly appreciate this book. I'm not usually a fan of step-by-step kinds of books, but this one is so impactful in needed ways in many individuals and our culture which seems to be hurtling towards more and more detachment in real life relationships.

"How to repair separateness deficits:
1. Ask God to help you become a truth-teller, even of negative truth
2. Find people who celebrate your separateness
3. Practice disagreement
4. Take responsibility for your mistakes
5. Learn to respect others' separateness"

"How to resolve your good / bad split:
1. Confess your lacks to God and people
2. Receive forgiveness
3. Let go of the demand for the ideal
4. Accept 'good enough' in yourself and others
5. Make sadness your ally instead of your enemy"

"How to repair adulthood:
1. Question authority
2. Submit to authority; a. We are to see authority as a positional, not a personal, issue; b. Authority has parameters
3. Take an inventory of your values and convictions
4. Address adults as adults, not parents
5. Develop your talents
6. Make sexuality a good thing
7. See guilt as a sign of growth"

"Steps to a life beyond hiding:
1. Use your hiding pattern as a road map to your needs
2. Actively seek confessional relationships
3. Take responsibility for developing the skills needed for repair
4. Let go of outgrown hiding patterns
5. Maintain helpful hiding patterns
6. Learn to give what you have received"

[Dayne]

This book started out strong with a great discussion on the human need for connection and attachment, the ways human relationships support our relationship with God, and the importance of taking personal responsibility for any areas where we need maturing growth. 

While this book had some great insights into WHAT can be the barriers to forming healthy attachments, I found it to be lacking in HOW to address these barriers. The second half covered many ways people “hide,” but with the exception of a really great final chapter, most of the suggestions for resolving these hiding patterns were vague. A lot of the same material was covered in the book Boundaries (co-authored by this author), which I found to be more thorough and actionable. 

A few favorite quotes that I want to remember and revisit: 

“For a variety of reasons, all of us to some extent live two lives: an exterior life, in which we learn the feelings, attitudes, and behaviors that are 'safe' to express; and an interior life, in which we closet away our 'unsafe' traits, which exist isolated and undeveloped.”

“Attachments occur when we take the risk to allow someone else to matter enough to us to hurt us if they choose to.” 

“Many committed Christians are unknowingly ‘sanctified addicts’ of otherwise good things that help keep them away from a black hole of loneliness in their hearts and the crucial necessity of close relationships.”

“We hide from what we need to be whole.”

“Our redemption is accomplished as we hide in God rather than hide from Him. It is God's love that comes looking for us in our secret hideouts.” 

[Chyina Powell · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book written by John Townsend focuses on a godly way to address isolation. When people are hurt they tend to draw into themselves yet nobody was created to be an island. In this intriguing book, he discusses ways to relate to others.

At first I was a bit skeptical about this book, as I tend to be sometimes. However, Townsend makes relevant points, talks using terms anyone can understand and brings in his professional knowledge to help readers as they try to relate to both God and others even after they may have given up.

[Angela Ebert · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I first read the title and subtitle of this book I literally said out loud to a friend, “Oh, I’m never reading that book!” Yet, here I am…

This was a textbook for a class I took, and it turned out to be an insightful and helpful book after all. The author encourages the reader to take a deep look into the strategies we use to “keep safe” in what can feel like an unsafe world, and then shows us the way to come out of hiding, despite the risk, and trust God’s love, care, and work through relationships to bring us into true freedom.

[Shelley Schoenrock · Rating 4 out of 5]

Seriously an emotional journey. Forced me to look outside myself. The past and its experiences that changed the way you relate to the world around you. How to learn and move past hurt and take charge of your feelings and boundaries. Well worth the read.

[Jamie Pennington · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good and potentially life changing book. Just what the Dr. ordered. I would love to sit down with these authors. I have also read one other of their books several years ago which was equally as amazing.

I highly recommend these authors and this book.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

John Townsend has written several great books and this is just another one that touches the heart and gives you hope.

[Rhonda · Rating 5 out of 5]

An amazing book on emotional health and how to heal, understand yourself better, and understand others better.

[Sarah Wexler · Rating 4 out of 5]

I learned so much about my past and present thinking patterns through this book. It was very helpful in understanding my deep hurts that need healing.

[Heather Hingston · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. Well written and easy to read. One I will read again and again and also keep to refer back to the different patterns and solutions.

[Veronica Vargo · Rating 2 out of 5]

Felt like reading a psychology textbook.

[Adam Sequoyah]

MPA ratings: G

[Brittany]

Densem recommendation