The Parallel Process: Growing Alongside Your Adolescent or Young Adult Child in Treatment

by Krissy Pozatek

For many parents of troubled teenagers, a therapeutic program that takes the child from the home for a period of time offers some respite from the daily tumult of acting out, lies, and tension that has left the family under siege. However, just as the teenager is embarking on a journey of self-discovery, skill-development, and emotional maturation, so parents too need to use this time to recognize that their own patterns may have contributed to their family’s downward spiral. This is The Parallel Process.

Using case studies garnered from her many years as an adolescent and family therapist, Krissy Pozatek shows parents of pre-teens, adolescents, and young adults how they can help their children by attuning to emotions, setting limits, not rushing to their rescue, and allowing them to take responsibility for their actions, while recognizing their own patterns of emotional withdrawal, workaholism, and of surrendering their lives and personalities to parenting. As such, The Parallel Process is an essential primer for all parents, whether of troubled teens or not, who are seeking to help the family stay and grow together as they negotiate the potentially difficult teenage years.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Health, Self Help

192 pages, Paperback

First published October 26, 2010

Reviews

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a staple book of a world I had no idea about until our family needed it desperately. That is, the world of therapeutic wilderness programs. (What a godsend!) This book lays out what parents can work on regarding their connection and parenting style while their teenager is in a therapeutic program. It makes total sense.

Some of the lessons that helped me the most have to do with boundaries and attunement. Finding that balance on a continuum between permissiveness and authoritarianism. Yes, be emotionally connected and yes, provide a safe, clear, enforced container. Yes, validate my child’s real struggles. And have clear behavior expectations and consequences.

Simple, right? The humbling thing is, this is nothing new. I first ran across this material when my son was not yet a toddler. And again when he was a tween. When will I ever get this right?

Answer: never. But it’s always a good idea to try anyway.

The book even includes scripts for practicing conversations that start with “I feel.” Oh, boy, do I need that kind of practice.

[Lucy Cummin · Rating 5 out of 5]

For my part I wish I had read [The Parallel Process] a decade ago. It is a devastatingly straightforward look at some of the problems in present-day parenting and why, with a particular group of adolescents and young adults, the best intentions and efforts can backfire miserably for everyone involved. The isolation of the nuclear family is a core problem, along with the inherent busy-ness and the bewildering temptations and choices of our culture. For highly sensitive children--most often gifted-- it is all too much. Some squeak through and make it into adulthood in reasonable shape, but many -- and more and more these days-- fall apart sometime between 14 and 24 years and, without help and guidance of a special kind they might not make the transition into a meaningful and rewarding adult life. Pozatek worked in wilderness therapy programs for well over a decade and has poured her wisdom and experience into this guide, not for the kids who are in the wilderness programs, but for the parents, so they can undergo their own process, becoming self aware of the patterns they used with their children that did not work, and can move forward with a different way of connecting with their child they* return home. It's not rocket science, but what makes the book extraordinary is that it never wavers for an instant in its focus to help the parent and here's how. I would recommend it to every parent of an emerging teen. *****

*I have adopted 'they' as the he/she signifying singular pronoun. We do it with the plural 'you'. Context is enough. It works.

[Kimberly Simpson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Despite the subtitle, this book would be helpful for ANY parent of ANY teenager... not just a child in treatment. It is written by a social worker and gives useful tools on how to help support teens through developmental struggles. I loved this book!

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautiful book, written in a non-shaming and supportive manner, which encourages reflection and self-examination on the part of parents. It is probably the best parenting book I've ever read. Although I have one child in crisis, I've already started implementing some of the strategies with my other child, with positive results, and the book allowed me to better understand the areas in which I need to grow and change. My one critique is that the families presented were limited in diversity, and the discussion would have been more well-rounded if the author had used examples of different kinds of families.

[Cathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book for the parent of any teenager, not just kids in Wilderness programs. Easy to understand but like any change, harder to implement. The author does a great job balancing how-to's with examples.

[Desmond Brown · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has useful advice for parents of troubled teens, advice about setting boundaries and looking at their own contribution to the child's problem. I guess my concern is that I read it with mental illness in mind, a topic that is insufficiently explored in this book, despite many references to depression, self-harm, and addiction. Much of her advice would be inappropriate and unhelpful for understanding and treating a young adult with a thought disorder, psychosis, delusions, or mania. The beneficial effect of getting the child out of their existing environment and family setting is explained well. The author is a therapist with experience working with wilderness programs; while she extols the benefits of these programs, she does not define who the appropriate candidates are, nor does she address some of the controversial aspects of these programs.

(https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2...)

This book should be understood as a general guide to healthy interactions between parents and young adult children, but its recommendations need to be applied with caution when mental illness is involved.

[Phil · Rating 4 out of 5]

My wife and I read this because our son’s daughter is going through a similar but “more civilized” program (no wilderness). After a few weeks her parents flew across the country to visit her and left with the impression that the program was working well, giving credibility to the author’s experience and recommendations. (She probably deserves a five star rating, but I reserve that for longer books that are exceptionally entertaining and/or informative.) Her book just makes a lot of sense, frankly - in particular her recommendation that parents replace negative feedback, opinions, and/or excessive support with responses that demonstrate non-judgmental interest in and concern about what is going on in their child’s world whenever he or she is upset. Anything other than that makes it less likely that their child will share his or her troubles with them.

If you or a parent you know has a problem in this area, I recommend the book. It might save you or them a lot of time, money, and heartache.

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am parenting young adults struggling with substance use, and I have read many, many books on substance use, parenting, young adults and adolescents, and issues related to all of the above, but this short book has been, hands down, one of my favorites. What did I love about it? All of the explanations and examples of how to use reflective listening and motivational interviewing techniques authentically when parenting struggling youngsters. It’s one thing to understand how something works; it’s another level to apply your knowledge. Pozatek helps do this by providing scenarios and real-life applications of her ideas. She gives you the language and tools to use in your family. I especially love the tool of “attunement” and how it can help build connection in relationships. Since I start reading, I have begun to apply her lessons in my life, and I have seen positive results.

[Nathan Root · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m not a fan of self help books—I know they are wonderful for a great many people, but they always seem so gimmicky, or the author(s) is talking down to me, expecting my low self esteem to crave whatever wisdom they are peddling. This book isn’t that. But then, if you’ve got a kid who just entered therapy…perhaps you ARE at a place that you’re latching into whatever kernels of insight you can get into what they are going through, and what you are going through yourself. She points out stuff that I’ve been aware of as a parent, things that are symptomatic of parent-child relationships gone out of control. Good guidance on how to work on resetting the relationship. Just don’t expect the insights and the needed work to stop there. It helped open my eyes to how I relate and interact with many other important relationships—my own parents, my siblings, coworkers, etc. Worth the read? Yes.

[Nicole O'Meara · Rating 3 out of 5]

A simplified and quick guide to relating to your child while they are in a therapeutic program and after they come home.

This short book is a bit too simple for parents who have been in therapy with their kids for a time (or for years) and for those who have read anything by Dr Siegel (Mindsight, The Whole-Brained Child). Probably best for parents who have never been in therapy.

The most helpful part for me was the descriptions of kids when they first enter a therapeutic program—what they are feeling, thinking, worrying about… Parents can’t know those things so this was a small picture into those first days & weeks.

[Shawnee Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Be brave! Adventure inward - this is a doable path…

This is my only written book review in 54 years of life. It’s THAT important of a book. READ! READ! READ! this powerful book. “The kingdoms of Heaven is within” Christ - “The universe was in his throat” The Secret Garden - This is a pathway inward. It’s scary and these stories are proof that we can do scary things - even make friends with the terror. And to enter the kingdom within alongside your child … it just has to be the greatest adventure on earth.

Thank you, Krissy, and all the folks wandering in the wilderness to find our children and bring us to ourselves. Amen.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Offering hope and healing through difficult times...

As our teenage daughter has struggled mentally and emotionally over the last four years, we have desperately searched for resources to find hope for ourselves and our family for healing and recovery. This book offers sound advice for the parent in their own journey of healing and recovery, as well as tools to use proven to rebuild stronger and healthier relationships with the struggling teen. A unique perspective compared to any other resources we have found.

[Kaui · Rating 3 out of 5]

A self-development book to aide me and my husband through the process of sending our son to a Wilderness School. It's got good insights, though as with all books that rely upon anectodes to convey advice, the stories don't actually match us and we have to work at translating the advice to ourselves. Also since I don't love self-help books, and I really do not enjoy lengthy, drawn out forwards, preludes, acknowledgements etc. etc., this book is not my favorite. But it does have some nuggets of wisdom which I have appreciated. I understand why the wilderness school made this assigned reading.

[Sean Sexton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book directed at parents who currently have children going through treatment. Pozatek makes the case for the need for parents to do their own therapeutic work as part of the goal of repairing the relationship with their child.

The book does a nice job explaining different ways that communication between parent and child can break down and presents very specific examples for re-connecting in a way that validates that child's emotion, but preserves their ability to heal on their own.

[Ed · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great family resource

Excellent guidance for families who have or are considering having a teen participate in an outdoor wilderness program. Full of insightful advice for the parents to follow as well as great descriptions of what skills the teen is developing at the program and how the parents can align with those new skills at home.

[Snappy · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book for parents with struggling teens. It’s meant for parents whose kids renin wilderness therapy, but it would be helpful and insightful for any parent struggling to repair their relationship with their child. One of the best psychology/self-help books I have read: easy to understand and direct with res-life examples and solutions.

[lorinda ash ezersky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wilderness Program Parent support

Great help for parents of teens in crisis. It’s designed for parents of wilderness program teens but could help any parent learning to set boundaries.

[Judy Churchill · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book for parents with kids in a wilderness therapeutic program. It’s based on the actual program. Communication styles, enabling behavior, and allowing children to fail in a safe environment are all a part of the book.

[Nitin V Thakor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. Lots of useful nuggets.

Great book. Lots of useful nuggets. Highly Recommend this book. Heavy Buddhist influence...mindfulness, Impermanence, suffering, not being reactive, etc. Cheers.

[Jason · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely life changing.
I’ve read …6? Or 7? Parenting books, each highly recommended. This…is short. It’s shocking how clearly my ex is screwing up my boy.
It’s also shocking how much better I could be.

Thank you Krissy, I look forward to hearing you on The Art of Manliness.

[Rennie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful book. Your child does not need to be in a wilderness program to find this book useful.

[Tyler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great eye opener

Made me think a lot about what I was doing as a parent and have me new perspective on how to proceed.

[Jenn Searls · Rating 5 out of 5]

So helpful

Clear easy to understand and actionable. Highly recommend for all parents but especially those who have kids starting middle school.

[Hilary · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book for any family who realizes the way they have been operating is not they way they can CONTINUE operating, wilderness experience or not.

[John Heiskell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish I had read this 15 years ago, it would have helped me to better communicate...

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent resource for families of children struggling with addiction.

[Alison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Should be handed out to every parent when kids enter 6th grade!

[Donna Landy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a therapist. It was interesting and well written. It created curiosity about the effective of wilderness therapy as a potential treatment option for adolescents.

[Gregory Ashe · Rating 5 out of 5]

With out daughter in wilderness therapy, this is a very insightful book pointing out that parents, too, need to change in order for the parent-child relationship to improve

[Joanna Jann · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not much new information for me, but well written and a great reminder of key concepts.