Let me put a huge disclaimer on this and say, if any of the lovely women who did this with me for a prayer group see this, I was so encouraged and uplifted by our discussions and prayers, and I believe we got some good things out of this book. My critique of this book is in no way a critique of our group or the talks we had, and I was so happy to do it with you all. There is some good stuff in this book, and I've rethought how I pray for my husband through it. But enough of the content worries me that I'd hesitate to recommend it to anyone.
I'm going to try and summarize my issues in a few different categories here. The examples are not comprehensive but hopefully show where I'm getting my opinions from.
Beautiful Generalities:
A flaw I find a lot of these types of books fall into. Things that sound good and might even be mostly true are presented as fact, which at best gives you nice but baseless warm fuzzy feelings and at worst gives you these unbiblical standards that aren't inherently bad but could stress you out by not achieving.
In Chapter 1 she says "I assume no woman would marry a man she didn't love." Which sounds nice in a perfect world, but there are many women who might marry to escape circumstances, because they feel like they don't have other options, or even have their marriages arranged.
In Chapter 17 she says "Every married couple should have at least two strong believing couples with whom they can share encouragement, strength, and the richness of their lives." The Bible does teach that iron sharpens iron and Christian fellowship is important, but 2 couples is such an arbitrary (and unexplained) measurement of that. Maybe they don't need to be other couples, and you can get the same richness from single friends. Maybe one couple will be all you need. Who knows what wonderful and beautiful relationship dynamics you can build around you.
In the introduction she says "A wife's prayer's for her husband have a far greater effect on him than anyone else's, even his mom." But can you give me any Bible verse that backs this up? That says anyone has more powerful or less powerful prayers? I'll circle back on related book struggles in my "Prayer is not Magic" section, but the book is filled with a general feeling that prayer will work in x scenario or wont work if y, and it's a frustratingly Prosperity Gospel sentiment to come across.
My Husband Would Not Be Happy If I Wrote This (And - Taking Relationship Advice From That Friend Who Doesn't Have a Good Relationship):
Lets just say that I found some red flags in the authors marriage that make me thankfully mine is nothing like hers. My husband would think I was slandering him if I tried to publish similar stories, and it's kinda hard to take her advice when I don't want to be in her shoes. Examples are:
Introduction: "The biggest problem I faced in our marriage was my husband's temper. The only ones who were ever the object of his anger were me and the children. He used words like weapons that left me crippled or paralyzed."
The above quote is in the context of a problem that's been worked through and changed, which is great, but then the below comment comes which is written in present tense, and you wonder if maybe her husband is still verbally abusive?
Chapter 1: "My husband will not do something he doesn't want to do. And if he ends up doing something he doesn't want to do, his immediate family members will pay for it. I've learned to pray about it until I have God's peace in my heart before I ask."
Chapter 21: "If the Chicago Bears lost, so, ultimately, did the rest of the family.
Continuing with relational red-flags, the below story frustrates me to no end:
Chapter 1 "Shortly after we were married, my husband called from work and said he wanted me to prepare a certain chicken dish for dinner. I went to the store, got the food, prepared the dish, and when he came home, he walked to the door and said bluntly, "I don't feel like chicken tonight. I want lamb chops... This was not an isolated incident. Similar ones happened far too frequently. I can't count the number of times Michael promised to be home for dinner and called ten minutes after dinner was ready to say he was going to work late and would eat out with his coworkers. I realized it was healthier for both of us if I rearranged my expectations. From then on, I prepared meals as if only I and the children would be eating them. If Michael was able to join us, it was a pleasant surprise. If he didn't, I could live with it...Things could be a lot worse, so I won't complain about whether he's home for dinner or not." (This is in a section of managing expectations. Which is a good idea, like, if I'm frustrated my husband leaves his socks lying around. But if he's being inconsiderate of my schedule, time, and efforts, flaking out on what most consider important family time of dinner to the extent its's better to just not expect him to attend, that's something you talk about and work on together. Some expectations are healthy!)
Perhaps some of it is that A. the author rarely has any truly negative stories about herself, which makes her come across as a praying saint. B. She might occasionally say "My husband is really God focused." Or "He's a wonderful xyz" but we don't get any stories of him being a great husband, so all I remember looking back is that he seems like a verbally abusive, inconsiderate man child.
For the Love of Everything Please TALK WITH YOUR SPOUSE! Relationships Aren't One Sided:
I know this book is about praying, and so all the focus is on that. Which is great. But prayer isn't the only tool, and there seems to be an assumption in a lot of her example stories that husbands don't respond well to any bit of loving criticism or request (maybe due to the above anger issues of her own husband that's what she sees as the norm?)
In the opening introduction she says "You can ask him [to pray for you], and you can pray for him to pray for you, but you can't demand it of him. Regardless whether he does or doesn't is not your concern, it's God's. So release him from that obligation." You should expect your Christian husband to be trying to build you up spiritually. I feel like that's not an obligation you place on him, but one that God does. Which means you have no right to release him from it.
"Look to God as the source of all you want to see happen in your marriage, and don't worry about how it will happen." How is sometimes a good question to ask. Is counselling a helpful answer to you? God might be leading you to that. Is better communication what you need? How do you work toward that? Relationships take work and prayer.
Chapter 10: "If your husband is not a full-time fool, so to speak but he does occasionally engage in foolish behavior, don't try to fix him. God is the only one who can do that." And maybe lovingly correct him and try to point out the error of his ways?
Chapter 13 "If your husband is going through a difficult time, carry it in prayer, but don't carry the burden. Even though you may want to, don't try to take away his load and make it yours. That will ultimately leave him feeling weak or like a failure." Galations 6:2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. That's it. That's the Bible. Marriage is a partnership, and you help each other through it.
To her credit there is a final chapter in the book which has been added in later additions about how a wife needs communication, but it feels too little too late.
Prayer is Not Magic:
There is a constant feeling in this book, a previously mentioned, that prayer is a special power you can tap into. She talks about what makes your prayers stronger or weaker, as if we have any control over God and how he responds to us. Indeed, the focus often isn't on God and what he can do, but what YOU can do through prayer, which is a totally wrong focus on things. It also constantly dips into the charismatic, prosperity gospel outlook that good things will come to you if you just pray.
Introduction: "Fasting will make your prayers more effective."
Chapter 1: "The hard part about being a praying wife, other than the sacrifice of time, is maintaining a pure heart. It must be clean before God in order for you to see good results."
"Sometimes wives sabotage their own prayers because they don't pray them from a right heart."
"Of course you can't force him to do something he doesn't' want to do, but you can access God's power through praying for His Voice to penetrate your husband's soul.
Chapter 3: "But your prayers will certainly help protect your husband from unnecessary struggle and loss. God's desire is to bless those who have obedient, grateful, and giving hearts, whose true treasure is the Lord."
Chapter 25: "Suzanne was a praying wife who never stopped believing that God would bring her husband to repentance." I use this last one because there is a constant use of "will" "Would" verbiage that implies prayer always equals results. Sometimes, God might have a reason for not answering your prayer, no matter how fervent and well intentioned you are. There is no guarantee that if we just follow the magic formula of a praying wife we'll get good results. Can it happen? Yes. Should we pray? Yes. But don't make it out as a problem solved sort of situation.
Is This Sexism?
Chapter 4: "For a wife, sex comes out of affection... But for a husband, sex is pure need... He has trouble hearing anything his wife says or seeing what she needs when that area of his life is being neglected." Guess what, a husband can have sex for affection. And a wife can have sex out of need. This is a very generalized statement that tries to boil down the individual sex lives of couples into outdated tropes.
Chapter 1: "I don't care how liberated you are, when you are married there will always be two areas that will ultimately be your responsibility: home and children. Even if you are the only one working and your husband stays home to keep the house and tend the kids, you will still be expected to see that the heart of your home is a peaceful sanctuary- a source of contentment, acceptance, rejuvenation, nurturing, rest, and love for your family. On top of this, you will also be expected to be sexually appealing, a good cook, a great mother, and physically, emotionally, and spiritually fit." Even if you're the breadwinner these are the expectations that she's placing on you. She's saying EVEN IF YOU HAVE A STAY AT HOME HUSBAND, you're supposed to do all this. And I can't for the life of me find the quote in her book about how husbands just aren't as good as cleaning, but I could have sworn I read something about that in there. And also, men can be in charge of the cooking, it's not a gender based thing.
I Don't Think That's Biblical...
There's obviously things in the prior sections I disagree with on a scriptural level. But I won't go back over them, I'll just add a last but not least or comprehensively final one here:
Chapter 6: "God wants us to get through temptation because He wants to bless us. But He needs to see if we can be trusted to choose His ways over our fleshly desires." Let me state this clearly. God is infinite, perfect, all knowing, and all powerful. He doesn't need to see anything about us, he already knows. He does not need anything from us.
In Conclusion
Look, there were portions of this book I underlined because I did agree with them and found them convicting or edifying. I got a lot of good out of the conversations I had about it with Christian women. But taking it all into consideration, there is so much red flag in there that I'd have a hard time recommending it to anyone for fear they'll learn the wrong things from it. It's got too much wrong to be able to right it.