Rain Men: The Madness of Cricket

Cricket Men #1

by Marcus Berkmann

There are many cricket books, and they are all the same. 'Don't Tell Goochie', autobiographical insights of nights on the tiles in Delhi with Lambie and the boys; 'Fruit cake days', a celebrated humourist recalls 'ball' - related banter of yore; and Wisden, a deadly weapon when combined with a thermos flask. Rain Men is different. Like the moment the genius of Richie Benaud first revealed itself to you, it is a cricketing epiphany, a landmark in the literature of the game. Shining the light meter of reason into cricket's incomparable madness, Marcus Berkmann illuminates all the obsessions and disappointments that the dedicated fan and pathologically hopeful clubman suffers year after year - the ritual humiliation of England's middle order, the partially-sighted umpires, the battling average that reads more like a shoe size. As satisfying as a perfectly timed cover drive, and rather easier to come by, Rain Men offers essential justification for anyone who has ever run a team-mate out on purpose or secretly blubbed at a video of Botham's Ashes.

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Sports, Biography

Paperback

First published June 15, 1995

About the author

Marcus Berkmann was educated at Highgate School and Worcester College in Oxford in the UK. He began his career as a freelance journalist, contributing to computer and gaming magazines such as Your Sinclair. In the 1990s, he had stints as television critic for the Daily Mail and the Sunday Express, and has written a monthly pop music column for The Spectator since 1987.

With his schoolfriend Harry Thompson, Berkmann scripted the BBC Radio comedy Lenin of the Rovers. He came to prominence with his novel Rain Men (1995), which humorously chronicles the formation and adventures of his own cricket-touring team, the Captain Scott Invitation XI.

Berkmann has continued to write newspaper and cricket magazine columns, such as the Last Man In column on the back page of Wisden Cricket Monthly, while producing a number of critically well-received humorous books.

In Brain Men (1999), he applied his sardonic observations to the world of pub quizzes, adopting a similar approach to Fatherhood (2005). In 2005, Berkmann released Zimmer Men, a quasi-sequel to Rain Men describing his transition into middle age with cricket.

Berkmann is also credited as being part of the writing team of the BBC Three comedy show Monkey Dust, and compiler of the Dumb Britain column in Private Eye magazine. In 2009, he set up the quiz company Brain Men with Stephen Arkell and Chris Pollikett.

A Shed of One's Own: Midlife Without the Crisis was serialised by BBC Radio 4 in its Book of the Week slot during 2012. A fan of Star Trek since its first British screening by the BBC in 1969, Set Phasers to Stun: 50 Years of Star Trek, aimed at the general reader, was published in March 2016.

Reviews

[Piku Sonali · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have grown up watching and being in love with cricket. Even now, years later, I am more in love with the game than ever. It is not the game of my youth anymore. But for me nostalgia also plays an important part when it comes to cricket. I had this one on my shelf for quite some time but I think I was meant it to read it at this moment. At this moment when I'm overworked and stressed and I'm turning to books for more and more comfort. The book might be very 'English' for certain people but if you know the game well, these things are trivial. Berkmann's hilarious descriptions of everything - from cricketing terms to his fellow teammates - are laugh-out-loud funny. I read the book mostly during my commute to the work and more often than not invited curious glances from passengers who weren't able to figure out why I was laughing like a maniac. There are a lot of references of old cricketers, which is nice to read. Berkmann has also described how cricket is during different seasons and months in England. Of course, the book is 20 years old, but apart from the references of old cricketers, I didn't find it outdated. The fact that it is filled with such effortless humor makes you fall in love with it. I think I'll read this again with my best friend. There is nothing better than sharing your laughter with another like-minded soul.....

[Luke · Rating 5 out of 5]

reading this again, after several years, i find myself crying with laughter again.
And the best thing is the belgians just dont get it, so they think i'm cracking up. Funniest sports book i've ever read.

[Hitarth · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author begins the book on a very high note - he compares cricket with a fundamentalist religion and gives very plausible juxtapositions that all cricket fans must have made at least once in their lives. The author writes in the first chapter - "Non-believers cannot understand how anyone could allow themselves to fall under the spell of a mere game..." and also adds thus - "...Cricket is a matter of faith. Either you believe, or you don't believe. There's no rational explanation."

Rain Men gradually starts getting funnier with every chapter, and for a cricket fan, unimaginably relatable. You have to be the kind of fan who tries to explain the nuances of cricket to your girlfriend, thereby trying to prove it to her how it's a very important game that tests all aspects of a human being and your girlfriend walking out of the room to let you be with your cricket match (and that serves your purpose too, in a way). As the author describes, a true cricket fan tries to proselytise the population to make them believe in the religion called Cricket.

Thereafter, the subsequent chapters contain beautiful anecdotes of village cricket, which the author explains has a lot of drama compared to professional cricket, the latter being devoid of important attributes such as unpunctuality, cheating, bad outfields, bad weather conditions, pathetic kits and envious players who just couldn't play on the team.

The author talks about how his incapability to make it to a first rate team led him to form a club called Captain Scott and then binges on a self-deprecating spree which produces nothing short of teary guffaws from you. So if you are the kind of guy who gets embarrassed upon finding people staring (and in case you go overboard, glaring) at you when you laugh out loud looking in your book, please read it in tranquillity. This book will surely produce boisterous laughter.

If you are someone who is looking for knowledge about cricketing techniques or about the epoch-making instances in the world of cricket, you'd better check out C.L.R. James' Beyond the boundary or Mike Brearley's The Art of Captaincy or perhaps, Sir Donald Bradman's The Art of Cricket. But if you are the kind of guy who couldn't stop shitting bricks and draining dozens of napkins while watching Sachin Tendulkar getting out cheaply to McGrath's bouncer with India chasing a mammoth 360 in the finals of World Cup 2003, and just mildly averting the urge to break your television set, since you mentally imagined your parents spanking the shit out of you, this book will provide you the perfect material to tickle your funny bone.

You can't not grab the funniest book on cricket. Cheers.

[Sid Nuncius · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rain Men is brilliant. It is genuinely hilariously funny and also captures the spirit of amateur cricket perfectly.

Now well over 20 years old, this remains one of my favourite books about cricket. It is the true tale of Berkmann’s amateur cricket team who are untalented but enthusiastic, with many reflections on aspects of cricket and the people involved in it and devoted to it. I think you do need to be of a certain age to fully appreciate many of the references – the brilliant description of Jim Laker’s commentary or the question “What is the point of Jack Bannister?” for example – but anyone who has played or loved the game at any level will identify with this book and find it extremely entertaining. This passage from the beginning of Chapter One gives a flavour:
“Non-believers cannot understand how anyone could allow themselves to fall under the spell of a game, and such an intrinsically silly one at that. Their sneers and contempt, not to mention their endless satirical use of the phrase ‘bowling a maiden over’, can undermine the most robust of personalities. What they don’t understand is that we know it’s stupid, but England are 84 for 4, for Christ’s sake. Which, needless to say, answers all their questions in full.”

The whole thing is a joy. I laughed out loud very regularly and literally cried with laughter a few times. It’s also knowledgeable, insightful and rather touching in places. If you have any interest in cricket, I can recommend Rain Men very warmly indeed.

(Oh, and if I ever meet Marcus Berkmann, I shall have just three words to say to him: Little Harry Pilling.)

[Martin Rogers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it. Very funny, but very niche

[Martin Rowe · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book that would appeal to middle-class white Englishmen, who were in their early to mid-thirties in the early to mid-1990s, who are fanatical about cricket, have an extensive knowledge of British popular culture from the 1960s to the early to mid-1990s, and like self-deprecating humour. As such a very niche market; but, as it happens, a niche that I fit all too snugly within. Berkmann is witty, and writes well, but the conceit doesn't quite hold up and the book could have been shorter and just as funny. If you don't know anything about cricket, or British popular culture of last century, then you will be baffled.

[[ J o ] · Rating 3 out of 5]

[Short review from memory until I re-read and re-review at a later date:

Interesting book about a team of cricketeers... and that's all I remember. My abiding memory, however, and bloody hell it cracked me up, is "Last of the Summer Wides" and also "Youth Policy". Nostalgic, I think.]

[Josh · Rating 2 out of 5]

Everything about this feels very 90s. If Richard Curtis were to write a book about club cricket, this would be it. If you passionately enjoy Notting Hill and 80s/90s cricket references, this is the book. If you are at all ambivalent about either, it’s probably not

[Andy9562000 · Rating 2 out of 5]

Simply didn't connect with it. Sure amusing but the team the author plays for is clearly a more wealthy middle class affair (tours to Indian and Hugh grant etc) that the village cricket I play

[James · Rating 4 out of 5]

Berkmann can certainly do comedy writing, and I raced through this despite being unaware of BBC cricket commentators between the 70s and the 90s and assorted other references. It was about village cricket mostly, but also the experience of going to a test match and watching cricket on TV.

The writing was pacy and funny, whichever aspect of cricket he was covering, and none of it was a lull for serious reflection. Every topic was mined for comedy and he left it once he'd exhausted it. His main talent was to set up small sketches within the chapters, although it helped having specific teammates so he didn't have to paint a new picture every time.

I preferred the sections on the TV coverage and attending a match, mainly as it felt more specific rather than something that was based on a true story as some of the caricatures you could see coming, and their haplessness was exagerrated considerably. There is obviously room for artistic license but it didn't seem as funny when it was blatantly made up.

A basic grasp of cricket is probably required to get this but overall the comedy would have come through even without any knowledge of the game, and it's rare for humourous writing to be so consistently good.

[Hari Subramanian · Rating 4 out of 5]

I laughed out loud several times while reading this book as it reminded me of many incidents I encountered while playing gully crickets during my childhood. As I am at the age where any iota of skill I had for cricket, or any physical sport for that matter, is long gone, I achieved some level of catharsis reading the funny stories of sad men like myself.
Funnily, I found a lot of similarities between the stories in this book to local chess leagues I used to play in New York. The same jostling among grown adults over petty things, sad year-end reports, petty rivalries, temper tantrums, etc.
The only thing that put me off in this book is some instances of clearly sexist language/content. Since the book is published in the mid-90s, these things might have escaped scrutiny. Other than this, the book was a fantastic read.

[David Hollywood · Rating 4 out of 5]

At times a very funny book, but you need to be a committed enthusiast to maintain a continuous interest, and that's where it, or else I, failed to maintain my eagerness. As an occasional player with romantic notions of village greens, and cucumber sandwiches and being dressed in traditional whites I found the book to be too realistic for my style of sentiment as it went on to destroy many delusions. But very entertaining at times, and I think the book would appeal more to the converted rather than the curious.

[Troy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A easy reading humorous tale of compulsive village cricketers....

Written in the mid ‘90’s and containing lots of 80’s and 90’s cricket references, I’m of the right vintage.

My problem with it that this team who commits to playing invitational games on Saturday and Sundays in summer are not very good cricketers. They just love the game.

It’s not as laugh out loud funny as the fictional Grade Cricketer’ but it’s enjoyable all the same.

3 Stars.

[Greg · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a gem of a book. Nearly 30 years since first published but absolutely timeless. Not sure if it’s the funniest book I’ve ever read but certainly the funniest about cricket. It probably helps a bit if you played cricket (badly!) as you can empathise with the author, while some of the lines are gold: “To be treated with the respect you aren’t due is the dream of every talentless sportsman” and “awfulness boasts a diversity which mere excellence could never hope to emulate”.

[Ian · Rating 3 out of 5]

A slightly updated version of “The Art of Coarse Cricket” by Spike Hughes I read many years ago. Some amusing and recognisable anecdotes and characters if you have played village cricket for any length of time. The chapter of his new book “Zimmer Men” included at the end of this book looks to be a rehash of what has gone before.

[Andy Carter · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book for cricket fans, especially those who have played village cricket. It describes a team of not very good cricketers, their occasional successes and far more frequent failures. It is written humorously and is especially funny when moving away from the village scene to look at the national game, with its own set of heroes and oddballs.

[Mr David Bevan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book. Although it was written in a previous cricket era it still feels as if the funny bone has been hit with a stump.
Why o why did I stop playing cricket. Sadly I'm too old to start again and try and catch up.
Guys if you play cricket read it.
Guys if you don't play cricket, read it and find out what you missed.

[Steve Mitchell · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for any cricket fan, that anyone that doesn’t understand where the fascination of cricket comes from should read too; as all will be revealed. It also happens to be incredibly funny

[Gareth Brewin · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you love cricket,and have ever tried to play,this book is perfect. A memoir of a village cricket side,with all it's trials,tribulations and eccentricities. I found myself laughing often whilst reading.

[Jonny Brick · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fine innings about Homo Cricketus. Laughs on every page and, like its footballing equivalents, stands the test of time.

[James · Rating 4 out of 5]

What is it about cricket that makes twenty two men dress up in white and stand in a field? The majority of these men are bereft of anything that could pass for athleticism and possess the kind of hand and eye coordination that prevents them from being able to sit the right way round on a toilet, but still they devote their entire summers to this endeavor.

Some would say it's the romantic pursuit of a lost childhood, others might consider it to be an escape from an unhappy marriage, but to the average bystander it just appears what it is, twenty two men partaking in a tribal rite to establish who has the biggest penis. That's essentially what village cricket is, natures way of establishing the alpha male, who in this case is likely to be a male that hasn't had to have a knee, or hip replaced, and in most cases sprints around the field like Frankenstein on treadmill.

Village cricket is, at it's very essence, a sad spectacle that only serves to remind us of how little time we have left on this earth.

[Aditi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hands down the funniest book on cricket!
Berkmann sweeps us from away from the comforts of our living room straight to the lush green fields in England!
Where we participate in Sunday village cricket matches and encounter highly eccentric characters, captains requesting you play with 12 players because he made an error in counting, fielders who drift away to square leg when asked to field in the covers, a few perennially angry fast bowlers and players who only play for the lunch time cakes and scones!
Berkmann talks not just about his experiences of playing the game, but also the thrill of watching it. The standard routine of the watcher, the well timed lunch breaks so that not a single delivery is missed, the superstitions, the sick leaves, the long debates over wrong LBW decisions...
This is extremely relevant in India where Cricket is followed as a religion and watching cricket is considered a profession by many!
This is a brilliant celebration of the spirit of the game..
As he sums up in one of the chapters when asked about why the obsession about cricket, " It's not that cricket is a substitute for life, it IS real life"

[Carnivorous Mower · Rating 4 out of 5]

There’s nothing like a good cricket book for the start of the World Cup! Bloody hilarious account of a self-described cricket tragic who couldn’t find a team to play for, so created his own. Love the references to all the English cricketers of old, like Derek Randall and Chris Tavare- underachievers and unconventional but proud of them because they’re English. The Captain Scott Invitational XI sounds hilarious, especially all the characters, whose duplicates seem to inhabit every team I’ve played for and against. Also just has a great way with words. Will definitely try to track down more of his books.

[Peter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very, very funny!
Cricket fans of a certain age will appreciate this more than the younger, as it is now 15 years old.
However, if you remember Peter West, Chris Tavare or Derek Randle, if you have ever watched on the TV with the sound down whilst listening to TMS or have played amature cricket to any degree, then your in!

[Ice Bear · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are some books you should not read in bed, so as not to keep your partner awake wondering why you are laughing so much whilst reading a book on cricket. So Rain Man finds that chord which strikes resonance in those who love the summer game, says he on a December day whilst England play a test match. A good read on the boundary past and present.

[Jon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is absolutely fantastic, combining the twin themes of professional and amatur cricket in a novel and enjoyable way. Very funny too

[Jaroslav · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hilarious but (unfortunately for me) you really have to know what cricket is about...

[Bhuvan N · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bet one can't find many funnier books on cricket out there!

[Aaron · Rating 2 out of 5]

just couldn't make it all the way through. The cricket insight was fun and very dry, self-deprecating style, but enough after awhile.

[Prince Samuel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very funny.