The Art and Etiquette of Polyamory: A Hands-on Guide to Open Sexual Relationships

by Françoise Simpère

A guide for adventurous couples in an exploration of a more open relationship.

The idea of open relationships seduces more and more men and women who wish to foster a healthy partnership while maintaining multiple lovers. The Art and Etiquette of Polyamory helps couples who want to better understand, or to begin an exploration of, the emotional, sexual, and intellectual mores of polyamory.

Françoise Simpère, an expert in the area of romantic relationships, discusses polyamory and what it involves and describes the practices that make it ethically and emotionally sustainable. This guide provides proposed rules and suggestions on how to keep the love and trust of your partner alive while successfully entertaining other lovers and enjoying the infinite possibilities open relationships have to offer. Couples and individuals interested in entering a polyamorous relationship will be able to use this book as a resource on the art and etiquette of poly-dating, covering a range of questions, including: Should we use a calendar? Can I ask my husband to babysit while I’m with a lover? How can I prioritize my time between two lovers? How can I stave off any jealousy?

Through her years of correspondence with couples interested in open relationships and her own personal reflections and experiences, Simpère is convinced that polyamory opens up many possibilities for a gratifying and healthy sex life.

Genres: Polyamory

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 3, 2011

Reviews

[Wiktor Dynarski · Rating 1 out of 5]

Very heteronormative, with an extremely annoying cisgender perspective on polyamory. Although the Q&A format might have been interesting, the book fails on so many levels regarding general attitudes to masculinity and femininity, not to mention that on a number of occasions gives simply bad advice, especially when it comes to disclosing relationship status or talking to children about polyamory.

[ara · Rating 1 out of 5]

wow this was the fucking worst cishetero shit. also french ugh.

[Isaiah · Rating 1 out of 5]

To see more reviews check out MI Book Reviews.

So I bought this book to help someone I know adjust to being in a polyamorous relationship. I figured I should read it first and point out things that he should be paying attention to. I went the entire book without marking anything for him to read and I threw the book out when I was done (I was tempted to use it to start a campfire). This is the only book I have ever thrown out in my life.

The author is not qualified to be giving the advice that she is giving. Her only qualification is that she is in a polyamorous relationship and people praise her for it. There are better books out there (like The Ethical Slut to name a book that actually has merit). The author sees herself or at least acts like her way and view are the only that can matter. So if someone disagrees with her, though clearly that doesn’t happen in the letters she chose to have published in the book, she just dismisses them as not being as sophisticated as she is. She bashes monogamy and anyone who wishes to be monogamous.

The author also gives bad advice. In one chapter she tells the readers that they should be open and honest about how they feel, but respect what their partner feels a.k.a. if the partner says don’t sleep with Jim, don’t sleep with Jim. In the next chapter, less than five pages away, she tells the reader that as long as they have warned their partner then that’s all they can do and they can do what they want a.k.a. sleep with Jim after being told by their partner that they shouldn’t sleep with Jim. The author starts out saying “respect and communication are key” and ends with “go ahead and cheat, it is your partner’s fault for trying to limit you” (not direct quotes). The author constantly harps on the idea that any boundaries (things like no sex in our bed or don’t bring him around out kids) or objections from your partner are bad. She says this is your partner trying to limit you and you shouldn’t listen to people who try to limit you. This goes against everything that I know about polyamory (I have over 5 years experience with people who are polyamorous and have read many other guides on polyamory). So unless everything I have ever been taught such as communication, respect, trust, and honesty are lies this author is wrong, or at the very least very not right.

Despite all of her terrible views (such as all gay men are switches), in the poly etiquette chapter she is right. For one whole chapter the author is not pretentious, wrong, and self-promoting long enough to make a point that every person in a relationship should know. That point being “talking, listening, and respect are needed”. Now if she didn’t then tell people that if their partner disagrees with them that they should hide the other relationship and/or lie about it because your life matters more than anything to do with your partner then I may have found one redeeming quality for this book.

[Ese · Rating 2 out of 5]

It is very antiquated and approaches polyamory from a very heteronormative perspective and in many ways as a solution to cheating, breaking out of a rut, a midlife crisis or other such situations. The literature has gotten so much better since this was written and it is not a good read for actual advice unless for those who are from a similar generation or school of thought as the author. It is very simplistic and I don’t think translating from French helped either.

[S.N. Arly · Rating 3 out of 5]

While this book had some good information it felt a bit dated and much of it didn't apply to me or any of the polyamorous folks I know. It seemed to come from a very straight perspective, which is valid, but again less applicable.

[Benjamin Ponce · Rating 1 out of 5]

I couldn't finish the book. It gets a lot of things wrong and in fact has some very questionable (I'm going to call them opinions) that frankly did not sit well with me.

[Francesca Penchant · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is like those self-help books written by bossy people touting new diets. The author has become a poly expert only because she has talked about it on TV. In the book, she makes rosy generalities about polyamory and sweeping criticisms about monogamy. I recommend the more informative and balanced book “Polyamory in the Twenty-First Century” by Deborah Anapol.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7...

Here are some of the generalities Simpère makes:

“Polyamory sees sexuality as ... a joyful means of communication, unlike the guilt-provoking prudishness and constraints of standardized sexuality.... In addition, it creates perfect equality between men and women.”

“...when feelings get complicated, poly men and women don’t make a scene, but go with the flow with a smile on their lips.”

“Poly men and women shy away from ... labeling, as life has taught them that relationships evolve in cycles, with high and low points....“

[Ketevan · Rating 1 out of 5]

Simpère is lauded as the founder of polyamory in France. This fact is why I picked this up and also why it is extremely distressing to realize just how bad this book is. It's contradictory, shallow in terms of content, pro-cheating, and overall a complete disappointment.

Though the FAQ structure left a lot of room to dig into specifics and different situations, Simpère left it empty with simplistic advice that might apply to 10% of the readers asking that type of question, with no caveats to explain what situations her advice applies to.

It tries to include everyone and in the process includes no one except for people like the author (cis/het white French women who don't want to break the status-quo).

Also, I hope the translation I read was horrible, because if not, the writing itself is clunky and grating.

[April · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is not my favorite book on polyamory, but I do own a copy of it. My problem with it is that it again uses the term polyamory for a wide variety of nonmonogamous relationships instead of just those I feel are truly polyamorous (I see polyamory as a specific sect of nonmonogamy). It is ok as a supplement to other things since there aren't many books to choose from but if take what it says with a grain of salt because its Q and A format can feel like it only scratches the surface of the depth of discussion that is necessary when considering having open relationships. This book makes me roll my eyes with the questions posed because those should be questions you ask your partner(s) not some random person who chides to write a book.

[Sarah Paulson · Rating 1 out of 5]

I must admit, I started this book with a different idea of Polyamory. I was hoping to find a book that gave some insight to long term triads rather than non-commited partnerships.
This book spent a lot of time justifying open relationships as a fix for relationship problems. It also seemed to say that couples who are not happy should try to work things out but ultimately your own happiness and desires should be placed first.
To be perfectly honest I found this author to come across very similar to another author I came across recently.... In an autobiography about a sociopath. I am sure Simpere is not a sociopath, but her writing style comes across as very superior (in a disappointing way).

[Niki Payne · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a great introduction for me into the world of polyamory although I wasn't a huge fan of the Q&A structure of the content after a brief explanation of important aspects of polyamory. I was expecting more of a practical guide instead of the author answering some FAQs. I just ordered The Ethical Slut so I am hoping to gain a little more value and insight from that book instead.

[Ross · Rating 1 out of 5]

There is a lot of things in this book that are just not right. Other reviews call it heteronormative and outdated. I agree with most of them that say this book contradicts itself in several ways and is not a good guide at all to polyamory, especially etiquette. Very poor. Read other reviews, they state it better than I.

[Kim Ward · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gives a rounded look at the world of Polyamory without the sensation. A quick read, a fun read, and one that makes you feel less like a freak for considering the what if of how we structure intimate relationships versus how we COULD structure them.