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Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl
Are you the Fallback Girl?
If you’ve ever found yourself in a relationship that feels and seemingly looks like one but you’re struggling with commitment or you’ve been in the ambiguous territory of a ‘casual relationship’, you’ve likely tried to change them, wondered what you ‘did’ to cause this, what you can do to win their love and commitment, or even whether you’re going crazy.
Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is the definitive guide to understanding the relationship between emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them. From explaining how and why they blow hot and cold, to where that future they promised went to, how you’ve ended up being a booty call, why you’ve been together for a gazillion years but aren’t going anywhere, and more importantly how and why you’re involved with them in the first place, all of the answers are here.
If you’ve ever found yourself in a relationship that feels and seemingly looks like one but you’re struggling with commitment or you’ve been in the ambiguous territory of a ‘casual relationship’, you’ve likely tried to change them, wondered what you ‘did’ to cause this, what you can do to win their love and commitment, or even whether you’re going crazy.
Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is the definitive guide to understanding the relationship between emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them. From explaining how and why they blow hot and cold, to where that future they promised went to, how you’ve ended up being a booty call, why you’ve been together for a gazillion years but aren’t going anywhere, and more importantly how and why you’re involved with them in the first place, all of the answers are here.
468 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2008
318 people are currently reading
1130 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 83 reviews
October 29, 2012
This was by far one of my top 5 life changing books I have EVER READ. I always say that one of my biggest downfalls is relationships. I tend to over think them, over compensate for the man’s short comings and blame the guy for my own issues. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that in all of these relationship issues, I was the common denominator. My lack of confidence in myself drew in Unavailable men. I was emotionally unavailable and by picking these guys that would either give me a whirlwind initial romance or come in to a relationship broken, it excused me from having to face my own internal hang ups. This book helped me break up my trends and see where I go wrong. It gave me the confidence to excuse myself and not carry all of the blame. I learned that I need to trust my instinct and set boundaries. Over all the book was absolutely FANTASTIC. I finished this book in 24 hours (with sleep and kids in the mix) and I must say I finally “get it”. I finally get what my ex boyfriend said about my self- fulfilling prophecy. I understand where I build myself up and let myself down. I see so many things I didn’t see before and I honestly feel great and rejuvenated. I know it is going to take some self effort to follow along with Natalie’s recommendations but I am going to commit to it. I need to grow from these experiences and focus on being a better me and loving myself unconditionally. I recommend this book to all women. This isn’t a book recommending “games” like The Rules or Why Men Love Bitches (though Natalie does bring up some of their same points i.e sex etc) On the contrary it is more about loving and valuing yourself and letting go of inhibitions. Not allowing situations that go awry to determine who you are. I give this book a million stars. Like I said, one of my most favorite reads.
August 22, 2012
I'd give it 5 stars if it wasn't such a slap in the face. If I had a daughter, I'd one day make her read this. It's an important book.
February 27, 2012
Natalie Lue is my savior. She is so honest and dedicated to help other women and men overcome the difficult dating and relationships culture we have now. She truly tells it like it is. No bullshit. If I could say that an author has saved my life, it would be her.
October 2, 2013
Literally. Changed. My. Life. And my future. That is all. :) That's just all that needs to be said. Natalie needs to be awarded with some kind of Nobel prize, and I'm not even joking. <3
April 15, 2014
Don't be confused by the title - this book is a must read for men and women who find themselves in the same types of relationships with different people.
April 23, 2012
A definite must read book for all women! This book changed my perspective on so many things in my life, including my pending divorce. Fantastic book, and a life ( and self-esteem) saver!
February 19, 2015
Empowering,intense and No bullshit guide to get over unavailable guys.This is a very heavy book that took me too long to finish because it is about all the baggage you carry "pun intended " as a fallback girl ,a girl who has low self-esteem and got issues to deal with that she always fall for unavailable guys who hurt her and break her heart over and over again and she is always around ,refusing to leave no matter how worse it gets .This book is A must-read for every woman because it will protect you from falling for assholes ,players and any unavailable guy out there .you wont get stuck in relationships drama again after reading this powerful book ,as the author suggests Get on a bullshit diet ,stop giving excuses and take the focus from him and bring it back to you.Highly recommend
The most important quotes from the book :
“From the moment that they started pulling back from you and failed to deliver on that initial promise displayed or became an entirely different person, or started treating you in ways that completely overstepped your boundaries, it was a glaring signal that you needed to get the hell out. Mr Unavailable is not about permanency and building a relationship, so you both want different things. Blaming yourself and trying to love him to death so that he sees how wonderful you are is a total waste of your time and a serious depletion of your self-esteem resources. Take the focus off him and bring it back to you.”
“good things don't feel bad. From the moment that I was feeling bad - negative, uneasy, wary, scared, distrusting, etc, I knew that it was time for me to sit down and have a calm, rational, self-discussion and evaluate the situation.
Feeling bad in itself became it's own early warning system.”
“Kick-start your move towards being available, by addressing some key areas and consistently working at them while increasing your self-awareness.
1. Understand code red and amber behaviour.
2. End unavailable relationships and cut ties.
3. Define and maintain boundaries.
4. Break your pattern.
5. Address your beliefs.
6. Discover your values.
7. Own and use your power instead of being helpless.
8. Use dating as a discovery phase.
9. Ask questions and make decisions.
10. Be accountable and responsible - no absorbing the blame for others and shaming yourself.
11. Get on the Bullshit Diet.
12. Get a life.”
The most important quotes from the book :
“From the moment that they started pulling back from you and failed to deliver on that initial promise displayed or became an entirely different person, or started treating you in ways that completely overstepped your boundaries, it was a glaring signal that you needed to get the hell out. Mr Unavailable is not about permanency and building a relationship, so you both want different things. Blaming yourself and trying to love him to death so that he sees how wonderful you are is a total waste of your time and a serious depletion of your self-esteem resources. Take the focus off him and bring it back to you.”
“good things don't feel bad. From the moment that I was feeling bad - negative, uneasy, wary, scared, distrusting, etc, I knew that it was time for me to sit down and have a calm, rational, self-discussion and evaluate the situation.
Feeling bad in itself became it's own early warning system.”
“Kick-start your move towards being available, by addressing some key areas and consistently working at them while increasing your self-awareness.
1. Understand code red and amber behaviour.
2. End unavailable relationships and cut ties.
3. Define and maintain boundaries.
4. Break your pattern.
5. Address your beliefs.
6. Discover your values.
7. Own and use your power instead of being helpless.
8. Use dating as a discovery phase.
9. Ask questions and make decisions.
10. Be accountable and responsible - no absorbing the blame for others and shaming yourself.
11. Get on the Bullshit Diet.
12. Get a life.”
June 11, 2015
Gosh,gut-wrenching read!! Author has done great work putting down words as nearly to real world as possible. Nothing bullshit, each chapter is full of Epiphany Moments.
November 16, 2014
I stumbled upon Natalie's blog site, watched a few of her videos, and liked her angle enough to buy her first book! If you do choose to read this book I urge you to watch a video or two of hers first so you can envision her posh london accent and punchy sarcastic wit talking to you!
It tells you the truth about the choices that WE make when we go after a relationship. It's about the facts that you don't want to consider or are running away from blindly. Sometimes we get so caught up in the heated pursuit of the chase (Yes, women do just like men), that we ignore lack of care or compatibility in efforts of seeking validation and avoiding rejection.
If you are someone who tends to get emotionally wrapped up in the wrong relationships and find it hard to untangle yourself after, this read will be a wake up call for you.
It tells you the truth about the choices that WE make when we go after a relationship. It's about the facts that you don't want to consider or are running away from blindly. Sometimes we get so caught up in the heated pursuit of the chase (Yes, women do just like men), that we ignore lack of care or compatibility in efforts of seeking validation and avoiding rejection.
If you are someone who tends to get emotionally wrapped up in the wrong relationships and find it hard to untangle yourself after, this read will be a wake up call for you.
November 1, 2008
This book is Cruel to be Kind. Sure wish I had been taught this in Jr. High school.
May 10, 2014
Should be required reading for all high school girls before they get out into the dating world. One of my favorite books ever.
December 16, 2020
The main topic of this book makes me feel very nostalgic, as I too used to be in this category of women right up until I finished college. I couldn't find much on this lady's background & education though, which makes the whole thing a bit shady - in the sense that... it's personal and emotional advice dressed up in a relatable coating on purpose so it can access an emotional vulnerability and sell on promises. After several successful books that took off due to her blog - equally as if not more shady than the book content and her background story - we find ourselves at the present book.
I personally do not take advice to heart unless it comes from someone who has a degree in psychology or psychiatry, someone who studies behavior and the brain for a living. But I do understand how this book can be 'comforting', especially if the scenario matches something familiar you've been through.
However, beware this kind of content - the one that's after your buck, in exchange for "help that ultimately is up to you, anyway". You'll end up ripped off and still with the same bad or simply imperfect habits or undesirable personality traits. If you've got the kind of money to spend on this kind of books and "courses" and if you think what you're going through is due to your behavior and attitude which is affecting your life negatively, then it's time to search for an actual psychologist that is compatible with you and can offer professional help. Don't latch yourself onto these mainstream gurus. Maybe buy a book on beginner level behavioral psychology instead or something if you feel professional sessions are too expensive.
Unfortunately the medium through which information gets delivered here is a key element. Sadly the people that need the most help aren't in a position that they can get it from books or professionals, so I can understand where a market gets created for people such as the author of this book. A market of the gullible and exploitable.
There are many solid, great books on relationships and how to navigate them in a healthy way, but sadly this one and the other books this author conceived are not it.
I personally do not take advice to heart unless it comes from someone who has a degree in psychology or psychiatry, someone who studies behavior and the brain for a living. But I do understand how this book can be 'comforting', especially if the scenario matches something familiar you've been through.
However, beware this kind of content - the one that's after your buck, in exchange for "help that ultimately is up to you, anyway". You'll end up ripped off and still with the same bad or simply imperfect habits or undesirable personality traits. If you've got the kind of money to spend on this kind of books and "courses" and if you think what you're going through is due to your behavior and attitude which is affecting your life negatively, then it's time to search for an actual psychologist that is compatible with you and can offer professional help. Don't latch yourself onto these mainstream gurus. Maybe buy a book on beginner level behavioral psychology instead or something if you feel professional sessions are too expensive.
Unfortunately the medium through which information gets delivered here is a key element. Sadly the people that need the most help aren't in a position that they can get it from books or professionals, so I can understand where a market gets created for people such as the author of this book. A market of the gullible and exploitable.
There are many solid, great books on relationships and how to navigate them in a healthy way, but sadly this one and the other books this author conceived are not it.
October 29, 2017
Despite some grammatical and syntax mistakes (the book reads like a rough draft at times which is why I knocked off a star), this book really cut through a lot of the dating and relationship insanity we engage in and made me rethink my own dating habits and past experiences. It almost in a way feels like coming out of rehab; you look at the way pop culture gives examples of relationships and ‘love’ in movies and music and you kind of have to laugh at the insanity of it all after reading this book. It’s written for women but as a guy I found it just as applicable. Wish I would have read this earlier in my life. Forget getting dating advice from your friends or family as they likely are themselves “Unavailables.” Read this instead. Highly recommended.
December 16, 2020
За ийм залуу болчихгүй юмсан гэсэн үүднээс уншаад дуусгалаа. Эрчүүд хүүхнүүдэд харилцаагаа дараагийн шатанд гаргахад өөрийгөө, олж танихад хэрэгтэй ном санагдлаа.
February 15, 2021
This book is an absolutely beautiful slap in the face. It has so many ‘epiphany moments’. I will definitely be quoting this book in advice to friends in the future. The only downside could be that Lue doesn’t really explain the ‘whys’ of Mr Unavailable but I think this was intentional as it’s a female focused book. Overall, I absolutely loved it and it will shape the way I behave in future relationships.
April 2, 2023
3.5
This book was very loud. Needed her to be quiet sometimes! Very useful in terms of understanding the different types of Mr Unavailable and how to deal with them but got quite a bit repetitive/boring. Learnt so much though and can't wait to apply this to my own dating life!
This book was very loud. Needed her to be quiet sometimes! Very useful in terms of understanding the different types of Mr Unavailable and how to deal with them but got quite a bit repetitive/boring. Learnt so much though and can't wait to apply this to my own dating life!
January 18, 2020
It's not that this book is (entirely) terrible. There's actually some really good content (although not much that isn't already in The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship, or is just common sense). The book is a slog to get through, since it's mostly made up of lists of "types" of Mr. Unavailables or Fallback Girls. The organization is incredibly messy; at one point I was convinced that an entire section had been lifted and dropped in another part of the book. Repetition isn't used for any purpose; points are simply repeated rather than deepened and explored.
Then there's the toxic stuff: slut shaming, heteronormative, gender essentialist and sexist bullshit (she literally quotes from "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"), making comparisons to leaving money hanging out of your pocket... Honestly, I couldn't begin to keep track of the problematic shit. I disliked the "relationship insanity" trope in Dreamer; here it felt infinitely worse.
And the endless rules are truly condescending. I can see how some of these guardrails would be useful, and honestly, some of the main points are really great (a focus on shared values, calling out dudes who use people, and disabusing the reader of relationship delusions). But I'm sure you can find this info in another book that doesn't belittle people in the process.
Then there's the toxic stuff: slut shaming, heteronormative, gender essentialist and sexist bullshit (she literally quotes from "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"), making comparisons to leaving money hanging out of your pocket... Honestly, I couldn't begin to keep track of the problematic shit. I disliked the "relationship insanity" trope in Dreamer; here it felt infinitely worse.
And the endless rules are truly condescending. I can see how some of these guardrails would be useful, and honestly, some of the main points are really great (a focus on shared values, calling out dudes who use people, and disabusing the reader of relationship delusions). But I'm sure you can find this info in another book that doesn't belittle people in the process.
February 10, 2017
It took me 3 years to fully finish this book. Not because books are hard but because there is a lot of content packed into these pages and it is gut wrenching. Slowly, paragraph by paragraph and chapter by chapter I would highlight and re-read. Sometimes I would highlight entire pages. My biggest issue in the single world is my naive disposition. I'm a blunt and honest person and most people especially in the dating world are not honest. There are games to be played and cues to be picked up and this is not my forte.
The reason why this book is so useful is that Natalie calls out the unavailable men of the world (book is written as though women seeking men but you can apply lessons universally) in painstaking detail. Since the murky world of dating is confusing having a blueprint of the players and hustlers and other types of unavailables is eye opening. She also digs deep into the psyche of women to ask why would any female want to put herself in such positions with these types of guys? I wish I would have had this book in my 20s. It is a tremendously useful read especially for young women. Buy as a gift for the young woman in your world as I promise she will be encountering these types of guys as these types of guys are common.
The reason why this book is so useful is that Natalie calls out the unavailable men of the world (book is written as though women seeking men but you can apply lessons universally) in painstaking detail. Since the murky world of dating is confusing having a blueprint of the players and hustlers and other types of unavailables is eye opening. She also digs deep into the psyche of women to ask why would any female want to put herself in such positions with these types of guys? I wish I would have had this book in my 20s. It is a tremendously useful read especially for young women. Buy as a gift for the young woman in your world as I promise she will be encountering these types of guys as these types of guys are common.
August 1, 2015
Some solid advice here. Unavailable does not mean, necessarily, that the person you are after is not physically present. Unavailability can also stretch to emotional, as well. The book could have been a little shorter, however, as some of the middle part, with the descriptions of the various types of Mr. Unavailables, seemed redundant. In addition, this book did not appear to have had a proofreader. Poor grammar abounds - especially mistaking plurals for possessives, which is a personal peeve of mine.
However, if you notice a pattern to your relationships, and they are all fraught with various issues, then you are part of the problem. You are the fallback girl. And until you learn this and how to fix it, you will continue to have unsatisfying relationships.
However, if you notice a pattern to your relationships, and they are all fraught with various issues, then you are part of the problem. You are the fallback girl. And until you learn this and how to fix it, you will continue to have unsatisfying relationships.
January 11, 2015
I don't know if the writer channeled this book, if she has been in therapy since birth or if it's just plain ole wisdom. This book is "spot on"...it was a painful read at times. Forces you to look at yourself and your issues that maybe you're (I'm) not ready to confront. It's a wordy book, lotsa words...but each necessary, there's no fluff here. It's a good - honest - necessary read for someone like me.
Definitely not a read-once and throw to the back of the closet book. This book will be a reference for me - a reminder - a mini course if you will, if I ever backslide.
Definitely not a read-once and throw to the back of the closet book. This book will be a reference for me - a reminder - a mini course if you will, if I ever backslide.
May 8, 2019
I sought this book out because I've realized that I am a fallback girl. It did not disappoint. It's given me profound insights on the way I behave in romantic relationships, and concrete steps on how to manifest a different ending. This is not a book you read and forget. It's a manual that I'd like to have with me in moments of uncertainty.
Discovering Natalie's book and her Baggage Reclaim podcast has been such a blessing during a time I've needed it most.
Discovering Natalie's book and her Baggage Reclaim podcast has been such a blessing during a time I've needed it most.
November 25, 2014
Highly recommend for women who are ready to stop blaming the men in their lives for not committing, and take a long hard look at themselves instead. Warning: as with most life-changing information, it can be more of a burden than it is a blessing if you're not ready to make changes.
May 25, 2012
Great book! Lots of insights...
June 19, 2013
A must read for young single ladies trying to date in today's world!!!
September 5, 2017
This is probably the most important book I've ever read, and I don't say that lightly. Natalie Lue is a saint.
January 24, 2020
Repetitive and dissappointing.
August 11, 2020
Ok but got a bit repetitive....skimmed towards the end
January 31, 2022
This has to be the best self-help book I have ever read. It's honest, incisive, smart and has so many ouch moments. Sufficiently detailed, goes into the reasons why you become the fallback girl and how to get out of the trap. It's like shining a light in the darkest corners of your dating history! Hammers the message home through repetition that though others criticised, I welcomed.
A necessary book.
PS: Reading comments about rubbish grammar and spelling - whilst I agree with those remarks, for me it didn't change the message of the book. I'm a proofreader and very, very picky about these things - but whilst I'm an ace proofreader, I'm a terrible typist. I make all those mistakes myself - but they don't get out to the public. This book is well written, but poorly proofread. But the message is clear as a bell hence the star review of 4.75 (quarter of a star gone for proofreading or lack of!)
A necessary book.
PS: Reading comments about rubbish grammar and spelling - whilst I agree with those remarks, for me it didn't change the message of the book. I'm a proofreader and very, very picky about these things - but whilst I'm an ace proofreader, I'm a terrible typist. I make all those mistakes myself - but they don't get out to the public. This book is well written, but poorly proofread. But the message is clear as a bell hence the star review of 4.75 (quarter of a star gone for proofreading or lack of!)
February 4, 2023
I found this book vapid and shallow, I couldn’t finish it. It read basically like a laundry list of the author’s personal complaints about former relationships rather than providing any huge insight into narcissistic patterns of abuse and how to avoid them. Saying that, perhaps I am not the target audience. I feel maybe for younger women in their 20s, maybe even early 30s this could help them “see” abusive patterns for the first time. However If you’re middle aged or older, and already navigated exiting narcissistic relationships, it’s unlikely to provide much fresh insight.I already *know* I tend to attract narcissistic men; I had hoped this book would help me develop new insights into how to stop doing that, but I didn’t get much more than “value yourself” and “have boundaries”. Perhaps it gets meatier further on in the book but I just couldn’t continue.
Note: this was the audiobook, so perhaps my experience if physically reading it may have been different.
Note: this was the audiobook, so perhaps my experience if physically reading it may have been different.
August 10, 2020
Incredibly informative and so straight to the point it's a little harsh sometimes. While I will continue read Lue's books on relationships, this read was a tough pill to swallow. Having a book that makes you look at yourself so starkly is uncomfortable yet eye-opening. My one gripe was there were so many different archetypes of individuals you might encounter in dating that they all started to sound the same. I would have preferred it if Lue had narrowed it down to three or four archetypes so we can really hone in on which archetype you might be, plus the ones you have possibly dated. I understand this is a book written for the masses but I found it hard to keep up with so many 'types', that it made my head spin. I'll definitely have to go back for a second read once I've recovered from this merry-go round. Still, I won't deny it was an insightful read that will stick with me.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 83 reviews