This is now the second time I've read the Judeo-Christian Bible all the way through, from beginning to end. Yeah, I know. Some folks are doubtlessly thinking, "What, you sorry sinful sap, you! You've only read the good book twice? Get outta town, you worthless, unsaved, unrepentant muggle, you! Why, I'd already read the good book ten times already before I was even ten years old, you backsliding bumpkin, you."
While others are like, "Well, I guess that's kind of impressive, because, dude... that book [a voluminous collection of ancient books, letters, and various assorted writings, really] is like... way long, dude!" Heck yeah! And some of it (okay, a little more than some of it) is really hard to understand or makes for just plain tedious reading material, to say in the least.
Take the book of Numbers, for example. My Gaw... uh... er, I mean, my goodness! Come on, dude! What is that awful book within a collection of books but an atrociously long ancient list of Hebrew figures and miscellaneous bookkeeping factoids? I mean, dude! Why do we still have to read all that stuff, man?
Good question. Beats me. But like any good (Roman Catholic) Christian (slightly oldish) boy (or Protestant, or newfangled "non-denominal," or whichever Christ following type person one may indeed happen to be), I've now (sometimes more, sometimes less) had to force myself to read all the way through TWICE in a row. The first time, I naturally read a certifiable Catholic edition of the Bible, complete with all of the Apocrypha (or deuterocanonical books) that most other Christian sects tend to leave out.
And guess what? Most of those often neglected books sandwiched within THE good book were actually pretty darn good! Only one, or maybe two, didn't seem to fit the stereotypically Biblical bill. Go figure. But anyhoo, as far as the Old Testament goes, my absolute favorite is The Book of Ruth. In fact, I usually only read one or two chapters of each book within THE book every evening before bedtime, but my Gaaaa... uh... I mean, my goodness, it's only like four chapters long, but man, oh man, it is a certifiable Biblical page turner, that one!
Or maybe I should instead try to seem all "modern" and hip and say, "Woman, oh woman!" I mean, since Ruth is a Biblical gal and all that. And after all, after that unfortunate "me too" thing that, sadly, went down not all that long ago, something suspiciously akin to textbook mysandry has nowadays become all the rage. Even to the point where Hollyweird is STILL gender (and race) swapping classic movie, TV, and even literary characters from once male to female. Hmm. As if that actually even works most of the time anyway.
Okay, sorry! I should probably say something like, "female presenting" males. Or is that "male presenting" females? Crikey! Which... oops! is also kind of a bad (but rather outdated) slang word for Christ if you look it up. Oh man, sorry! Again, I should be so sorry! I mean, it's almost as if all this "woke" stuff is an alternate religion and all of its apologists and disciples suddenly have the completely arbitrary right and privilege to vote anyone who offends them off the island at will.
Summary and quite arbitrary excommunication, anyone? But it's like, man. Or WOman, sorry! Or whatever you may indeed prefer to be called this particular day of whichever week you may happen to be reading this. Okay, dudes or dudettes. Or whatever. It's just that all that stuff STILL has me rather confused. Like most of the world's population outside of the much vaunted, but also always conveniently blamed and obligatorily shamed Western countries, that is. So... I'd better just leave it at that, huh.
Yeah. So move along! Move along! Because I guess I'm just never going to be one of the all too easily reprogrammable, memory wipeable droids you're looking for. SO NO MORE JEDI MIND TRICKS FOR YOU TODAY, Mr., er... Mrs., er... Ms., er.... Holy unholy Imperial Stormtroopers, Luke! Hit the throttle on your landspeeder before the wicked Empire has us all in detention on the same level of the Death Star as cell block AA-23 already, will ya! Yikes!
But I digress. Or do I? Hmm. Anyway, the Bible! Yeah! It's THE Bible we're talking about here, bub! And definitely not Papa George's newfangled "Force" that has unmistakably made an indelible mark on the zeitgeist of global pop culture for, like, half a century of "modern" human history now. So, do I really digress? Psst! Don't ask my wife, because she will definitely say, "Yes! All the time! The poor man's like Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory or something! It's anecdote this and factoid that. What a meshuga, that one! I swear, sometimes I think that (oldish) boy has Aspergers or something awful like that!"
Nah. My wife's not Jewish. She's Korean. And I'm a (mostly) good Irish-Scottish-Welsh-German-American Catholic (oldish) boy, of course. But, ach! What's the difference? Well, we're all a little different, aren't we? And some of us, I'm afraid, are a heck of a lot more different than others. If, that is, you catch my drift. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Elbow, elbow.
But yeah, THE Bible! Yeah. Good book that collection of books. Absolutely. No contest. In fact, I especially enjoy reading most of the New Testament! Have you read that part yet? Oh, you really should read it, you know! It's good! You'll love it! It's all about this real-life Jewish guy who was born in a manger, like... two whole MILLENIA ago! But guess what? He's actually the son of God! Seriously. It's not a joke, man!
How do I know all this? Sheesh! Everybody knows all this. Some people just would rather not think about it, let alone read about all the miracles He performed in only 33 short years of mortal (but equally divine) life down here in the humble mud of planet Earth. I mean, get outta Bethlehem, you rube! It's all in THE book, my friends! It's all there, just waiting for yas!
Seriously.
Yet still, when it comes to THE good book, there are some who are like, "Ah, cut the crap. I'm an enlightened atheist, see. So I know all about these things, see." Sort of like Edward G. Robinson's Dathan from The Ten Commandments... see. "Where's your god NOW, Moses?"
And they're so smug and arrogant because... well, if I could actually convince myself beyond any shadow of a doubt that "There is no god, there are no ghosts," I'd be running around rattling on with pontificating (pun very much intended) speeches like, "Huh! Believe you me, I have thought about all of this a LOT, and I now pronounce that it's ALL pure nonsense and hokum!"
"That's right, it's all a bunch of fairytales, see. It's all silly rabbit tricks for kids who still believe in Santa Claus, see. So yeah, what I believe is actually true, but all that other religious stuff, all that just causes wars and bloodshed and all that, see. So, if we just ban public displays of the Ten Commandments, or sue the government and force them to also put up statues of Baphomet for Satan worshippers, then wallah! We're back to the Garden and hippie style free love again, baby! Problem solved, see."
As if.
And you do mean that ancient Garden that you don't even "believe" ever existed anyway, right? Hmm. Okay, I guess. Whatever, dude. Say... since you apparently know so stinking much, when you, uh... you know, when you eventually think up the cure for cancer, or something actually monumental like that (because, come on, as if you're the very first ever self-assured arrogant little mortal in all of the long annals of human history to EVER suddenly get the fanciful notion that supposedly only Science Almighty matters in the final analysis!), by all means, let me know when you actually think of something truly novel, will ya, huh? Because I've been praying for exactly that (a certifiable "miracle" cure for cancer, just for starters) for a very long time now, buddy-pal-friend. Me and a whole lot of us believers, too, no less! So, yeah.
But then, that's what I love the most about THE Bible. You can just read it at your leisure. Make up your own mind! Or don't even bother. But sure, be too busy. Be smug. Be self-assured. Be an arrogant, know-it-all religiously non-religious person. Be my guest! Whatever floats your boat or gets you feeling like you're the hero of your very own arrogant story, the Sky... er... Waterwalker de jour, rather. Because you already know of course beyond the shadow of a proverbial doubt, no doubt, that when we all die, there's actually... absolutely nothing at all.
Right?
Hmm. Are you sure? Are you willing to bet your immortal soul on that? But hey, no worries. In fact, no one can even truly bet or sell their soul, see. Because it's not ours to begin with, dummy. It already belongs to the Almighty. So whatever you do, DON'T "do what thou wilt." Strive instead, every single day, to do the right thing in this all too brief little life down here in the humble mud of planet Earth. Before it's too late.
Or not. Because that's actually THE best thing about THE Bible, and about being a faithful Jew or Gentile, you know. You can choose to take or leave it, or "believe it, or not." Because it's all about the 'free will,' baby. Whether you may indeed have already convinced yourself otherwise, or not.
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