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Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure...and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner
A funny, sexy, and wildly entertaining look at the rewards of fully realized desire in the life of one ordinary woman.
At 43 years old, Pamela Madsen was happily married to the man she fell in love with at 17. She was the mother of two sons and had a successful career as a nationally known advocate for fertility issues. But she felt a growing sexual restlessness and yearning that wouldn't let up. And though Pamela loved her husband and didn't want to have an affair, she knew deep down that she needed more, much more. In Shameless, she tells the story of how she found it—and not only kept her marriage intact but made it stronger than ever.
In this fearless memoir, Pamela tells the story of her search for sexual, personal, and spiritual wholeness. She explores, in riveting detail, what she experienced at the hands of sexual healers, men who brought her untold pleasure (and became her close friends in the process).
But this is not just another sex Shameless is also an account of how Pamela's journey healed her issues with food and body image and most important, helped her weave the many roles that she played—daughter, friend, partner, mother—into one fully integrated person. It is a story about a woman falling in love with herself and a call to other women to do the same.
At 43 years old, Pamela Madsen was happily married to the man she fell in love with at 17. She was the mother of two sons and had a successful career as a nationally known advocate for fertility issues. But she felt a growing sexual restlessness and yearning that wouldn't let up. And though Pamela loved her husband and didn't want to have an affair, she knew deep down that she needed more, much more. In Shameless, she tells the story of how she found it—and not only kept her marriage intact but made it stronger than ever.
In this fearless memoir, Pamela tells the story of her search for sexual, personal, and spiritual wholeness. She explores, in riveting detail, what she experienced at the hands of sexual healers, men who brought her untold pleasure (and became her close friends in the process).
But this is not just another sex Shameless is also an account of how Pamela's journey healed her issues with food and body image and most important, helped her weave the many roles that she played—daughter, friend, partner, mother—into one fully integrated person. It is a story about a woman falling in love with herself and a call to other women to do the same.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published January 18, 2011
46 people are currently reading
423 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 67 reviews
February 18, 2011
I was so disconnected from Madsen for the bulk of this book because she kept insisting that she loved her husband and yet she kept him at an unforgivable distance for months while she wrestled with her sexuality and her desires. I would have been entirely in her corner, cheering her journey on, if she hadn't kept inventing reasons not to tell her husband anything. Nothing. Not a word.
Sexual fidelity isn't important to me, never has been- but honesty is non-negotiable in any significant relationship I enter into, and reading about dishonesty mixed with elaborate protestations of love and grandiose rationalizations about the difference between healing sexual touch and sexual fidelity feels unclean. I found myself walking away from this book a number of times, but I kept coming back to see if she'd finally bite the bullet and fess up to her husband.
Aside from this huge, glaring issue that I understand is MY hang-up and not hers, it was interesting to read about how organizations like the Body Electric work, and remarkable to be almost present for some of her Sacred Intimacy sessions. It was also pretty harrowing to read some of Madsen's mother's remarks about Madsen's body, toxic shaming garbage. That was a nice jumping off point for her to explore some of her body image issues, and her journey to healing around that was the most powerful part of the book for me. The other thing that leaped out at me was how much dough she had to have lying around to be able to go to $300 Sacred Intimacy sessions every couple of weeks, buy $400 corsets & bags full of sex toys and fly to week-long seminars at every opportunity. And her husband didn't notice this cash outlay? See, I'm back on the lying thing. Which truly did ruin the book for me, in every way that matters.
Sexual fidelity isn't important to me, never has been- but honesty is non-negotiable in any significant relationship I enter into, and reading about dishonesty mixed with elaborate protestations of love and grandiose rationalizations about the difference between healing sexual touch and sexual fidelity feels unclean. I found myself walking away from this book a number of times, but I kept coming back to see if she'd finally bite the bullet and fess up to her husband.
Aside from this huge, glaring issue that I understand is MY hang-up and not hers, it was interesting to read about how organizations like the Body Electric work, and remarkable to be almost present for some of her Sacred Intimacy sessions. It was also pretty harrowing to read some of Madsen's mother's remarks about Madsen's body, toxic shaming garbage. That was a nice jumping off point for her to explore some of her body image issues, and her journey to healing around that was the most powerful part of the book for me. The other thing that leaped out at me was how much dough she had to have lying around to be able to go to $300 Sacred Intimacy sessions every couple of weeks, buy $400 corsets & bags full of sex toys and fly to week-long seminars at every opportunity. And her husband didn't notice this cash outlay? See, I'm back on the lying thing. Which truly did ruin the book for me, in every way that matters.
July 8, 2016
To be honest, reading this was like drinking sweet, cool, clear, drenching water after decades of parched desert. I left the book heartily hungry and upset with the kind of grief that Ms. Madsen mentions in Chapter 16. The book simply came along at the same time I'm walking across my own heaving Tacoma Narrows bridge from a dark life of quiet desperation to some kind of unrecognizable life of vibrant resonance.
The book comes in two layers - first, Ms. Madsen's life and second, the deeper themes connecting her to many women (and probably men). The title reflects both layers. The first layer was sweet, but also something with which I have nothing in common: I'm not a mother of humans and I have no wish to be, I'm not a person who even wants to go to a spa, I don't want to get naked with other women in a group discussion, etc. Full disclaimer: I'm a GenXer: I don't have the Baby Boomeresque need to reconcile the disparate parts of my life.
However, I do have a profound disconnection between my mind and body - not because of a generational thing, but because of life experience, especially early life. This is something that I think many woman can connect to. As a result, for me, I have so little sexual experience in any way that it's really just a source of grief. So to read this book and witness its second layer was a Balm of Gilead -- to read the story of a woman who recognizes that something's missing, that there's an undefined hole inside of her. We get to walk with Ms. Madsen on her journey to use her full female sexual energy - access and restore her full sacral energy, as it were.
I also really valued the strong appreciation here for marriage, and how a lengthy marriage requires change, honesty, vulnerability, trust, and sometimes, stubborn downright dedication to each other.
The value of this book to women is priceless. The value to men is in the learning of this idea that all humans, I believe, could do with a deeper exploration of their own sexual needs.
I consumed this book so quickly that I only highlighted a few quotations. But these two in particular took my breath away:
p. 68 "“It sounds to me like you’re a caged bird, pulling out your own feathers to keep your mind occupied,” Markus said. That struck deep. It was true. I hurt myself instead of letting myself be."
p. 128 "I felt like I was being held by a force big enough and strong enough to contain all of me. It was a catharsis. I have never in my life believed that any one could hold all my energy. No one was powerful enough for me to truly surrender to. And here I was allowing myself that experience."
The book comes in two layers - first, Ms. Madsen's life and second, the deeper themes connecting her to many women (and probably men). The title reflects both layers. The first layer was sweet, but also something with which I have nothing in common: I'm not a mother of humans and I have no wish to be, I'm not a person who even wants to go to a spa, I don't want to get naked with other women in a group discussion, etc. Full disclaimer: I'm a GenXer: I don't have the Baby Boomeresque need to reconcile the disparate parts of my life.
However, I do have a profound disconnection between my mind and body - not because of a generational thing, but because of life experience, especially early life. This is something that I think many woman can connect to. As a result, for me, I have so little sexual experience in any way that it's really just a source of grief. So to read this book and witness its second layer was a Balm of Gilead -- to read the story of a woman who recognizes that something's missing, that there's an undefined hole inside of her. We get to walk with Ms. Madsen on her journey to use her full female sexual energy - access and restore her full sacral energy, as it were.
I also really valued the strong appreciation here for marriage, and how a lengthy marriage requires change, honesty, vulnerability, trust, and sometimes, stubborn downright dedication to each other.
The value of this book to women is priceless. The value to men is in the learning of this idea that all humans, I believe, could do with a deeper exploration of their own sexual needs.
I consumed this book so quickly that I only highlighted a few quotations. But these two in particular took my breath away:
p. 68 "“It sounds to me like you’re a caged bird, pulling out your own feathers to keep your mind occupied,” Markus said. That struck deep. It was true. I hurt myself instead of letting myself be."
p. 128 "I felt like I was being held by a force big enough and strong enough to contain all of me. It was a catharsis. I have never in my life believed that any one could hold all my energy. No one was powerful enough for me to truly surrender to. And here I was allowing myself that experience."
May 18, 2014
From the subtitle, I was expecting a book about a woman learning to love herself and celebrate her body, which happened, and I loved that part (hence the second star), but this book has some major strikes against it.
I simply could not get over or forgive the fact that for most of the book, she was going behind her husband's back, paying an assortment of men to give her sexual pleasure, while professing unwavering love and devotion to her husband. I lost track of how many times she insisted she wasn't cheating. Much like being a racist, the folks who have to keep stating they aren't, are the ones who are. Of course, every relationship can define cheating differently, but the definition Ms. Madsen was using (no affair, no intercourse), wasn't one that she and her husband had agreed to beforehand. If that had been their arrangement from the beginning, she wouldn't have been hiding her behavior from him; creating a secret email account, lying about where she was going, for 6 MONTHS. It was difficult to enjoy the good parts while simultaneously disliking the author for being a selfish liar.
Which leads to the second big problem. When she finally did confess, she threw all her liaisons at him, after the fact, without remorse or apology. She had the air of "I want this. It makes me happy. It isn't cheating. Deal with it." Which "Gavin" did. (He had little choice, after all.) We caught just a hint of the fact that he too has been living with unmet, unspoken desires, but she didn't seem even remotely interested in her life partner's fulfillment, his potential to embrace every part of himself and consider himself worthy of feeling completely loved and accepted. She only values that for herself. What a one-sided relationship! She lies, spends hundreds of dollars on weekly sex sessions, thousands on retreats and on sexy clothes and toys for herself, and he gets to stay married to her, having more or less the same old sex they've had for decades. I feel awful for her husband.
Third strike: the book seemed to fall apart toward the end. Whether because her life got messy once people found out, or because the S&M domination angle felt a little disappointing and rushed, I can't quite say. But by the end, I wasn't sure how much was even true anymore. (I wasn't buying the "our marriage is stronger than ever" line, especially since her husband was rarely mentioned after she came clean, and he gave her the okay to carry on.) For chapters, she talked up a week-long sexual retreat, and then left out entire days of it. She concluded by saying that blogging about her sexual escapades cost her her job, but that she didn't really care, because her new life's purpose lies in sexual indulgence. It felt like a deflated end to what began as a very full, robust story.
I'm a huge fan of sex positivity and body love, but it's such a shame she didn't even try to walk that path WITH her loving, supportive husband, rather than despite him. I think a better title would have been "Shameless: How I Ditched my Husband, Got Naked, Spent a Fortune Finding True Pleasure...and Somehow Got to Keep My Marriage. (Poor Sucker)"
I simply could not get over or forgive the fact that for most of the book, she was going behind her husband's back, paying an assortment of men to give her sexual pleasure, while professing unwavering love and devotion to her husband. I lost track of how many times she insisted she wasn't cheating. Much like being a racist, the folks who have to keep stating they aren't, are the ones who are. Of course, every relationship can define cheating differently, but the definition Ms. Madsen was using (no affair, no intercourse), wasn't one that she and her husband had agreed to beforehand. If that had been their arrangement from the beginning, she wouldn't have been hiding her behavior from him; creating a secret email account, lying about where she was going, for 6 MONTHS. It was difficult to enjoy the good parts while simultaneously disliking the author for being a selfish liar.
Which leads to the second big problem. When she finally did confess, she threw all her liaisons at him, after the fact, without remorse or apology. She had the air of "I want this. It makes me happy. It isn't cheating. Deal with it." Which "Gavin" did. (He had little choice, after all.) We caught just a hint of the fact that he too has been living with unmet, unspoken desires, but she didn't seem even remotely interested in her life partner's fulfillment, his potential to embrace every part of himself and consider himself worthy of feeling completely loved and accepted. She only values that for herself. What a one-sided relationship! She lies, spends hundreds of dollars on weekly sex sessions, thousands on retreats and on sexy clothes and toys for herself, and he gets to stay married to her, having more or less the same old sex they've had for decades. I feel awful for her husband.
Third strike: the book seemed to fall apart toward the end. Whether because her life got messy once people found out, or because the S&M domination angle felt a little disappointing and rushed, I can't quite say. But by the end, I wasn't sure how much was even true anymore. (I wasn't buying the "our marriage is stronger than ever" line, especially since her husband was rarely mentioned after she came clean, and he gave her the okay to carry on.) For chapters, she talked up a week-long sexual retreat, and then left out entire days of it. She concluded by saying that blogging about her sexual escapades cost her her job, but that she didn't really care, because her new life's purpose lies in sexual indulgence. It felt like a deflated end to what began as a very full, robust story.
I'm a huge fan of sex positivity and body love, but it's such a shame she didn't even try to walk that path WITH her loving, supportive husband, rather than despite him. I think a better title would have been "Shameless: How I Ditched my Husband, Got Naked, Spent a Fortune Finding True Pleasure...and Somehow Got to Keep My Marriage. (Poor Sucker)"
January 24, 2011
Very disappointing. The writing and "story" wasn't bad and the intimate details don't offend me - but what I was really hoping for was more of an acceptance of body image, not what I perceive as a betrayal of a marriage. Why couldn't she just talk to her husband first, before starting out on this journey? She might have been able to find great pleasures experimenting WITH her husband, not secretly with other men! I feel bad for "Gavin" (why change names?? - don't people who actually know the author know who her family members are?). I try not to judge and I think I do pretty well MOST of the time, but I just don't see how letting another man touch you like that is NOT a betrayal of your marriage. Just because you don't have intercourse? I just don't get it.
But to each their own - if it works for them, then that's their business. But then again she made it public knowledge. If "Gavin" wants to keep his wife, I hope he can deal with it. I know I coulnd't.
But to each their own - if it works for them, then that's their business. But then again she made it public knowledge. If "Gavin" wants to keep his wife, I hope he can deal with it. I know I coulnd't.
January 19, 2011
I'm going to be brutally honest, I loved this book.
This book is a memoir of Pamela Madsen, a woman who married her first love and has been in her vanilla marriage for twenty years. Her girlfriends are having affairs and exchanging raunchy sex stories all the time, while all poor Pamela can do is listen and boil beneath her own skin.
Shameless is a witty, funny, exciting and eye-opening trek into the life of a woman who needed to explore her own sexuality and found a working way to do it without breaking down her own boundaries. It's really great to have a book like this at my fingertips, a reminder that everyone is flawed and everyone is beautiful and everyone deserves to express their raw sexuality without being told it's taboo or inappropriate. Female sexuality is constantly snuffed out by society and Pam reminds us that it isn't fair or honest. Women are just as sexual as men and they are much better at expressing it when given the proper tools to harness their desires.
I loved reading about Pam's journey to self-love and appreciation. As women, we seem to be conditioned by society to hate our bodies. Pam takes this fact of life and shoves it up society's big fat ass. Pam reminds us that big or small, we will never be perfect and yet we will always be perfect. We can be happy with ourselves just the way we are and we can do away with our own self-hate for good. We can open up completely and feel more free than we ever thought possible.
This book is a memoir of Pamela Madsen, a woman who married her first love and has been in her vanilla marriage for twenty years. Her girlfriends are having affairs and exchanging raunchy sex stories all the time, while all poor Pamela can do is listen and boil beneath her own skin.
Shameless is a witty, funny, exciting and eye-opening trek into the life of a woman who needed to explore her own sexuality and found a working way to do it without breaking down her own boundaries. It's really great to have a book like this at my fingertips, a reminder that everyone is flawed and everyone is beautiful and everyone deserves to express their raw sexuality without being told it's taboo or inappropriate. Female sexuality is constantly snuffed out by society and Pam reminds us that it isn't fair or honest. Women are just as sexual as men and they are much better at expressing it when given the proper tools to harness their desires.
I loved reading about Pam's journey to self-love and appreciation. As women, we seem to be conditioned by society to hate our bodies. Pam takes this fact of life and shoves it up society's big fat ass. Pam reminds us that big or small, we will never be perfect and yet we will always be perfect. We can be happy with ourselves just the way we are and we can do away with our own self-hate for good. We can open up completely and feel more free than we ever thought possible.
July 19, 2014
I enjoyed this book, I really did. Madsen is engaging, personable, and funny. She is able to bring her world alive in a way that is tangible; you feel as though you're with her as she goes through her journey to embracing herself and her sexuality. I'm excited that someone as "mainstream" as she is has written a book about women's sexuality, and how what many probably consider the alt sex world doesn't have to be the exclusive territory of strange, multiple- pierced weirdos in leather. She has fun.
What I had more difficulty with was her characterization of her experiences. She's determined not to have an affair, so she only engages in one-way touching (her partners can touch her sexually but not the other way around). Much of this occurs within the context of Sacred Intimacy, a legitimate form of healing touch therapy, yet it is clear from her writing that her experiences are much more than that. As she defines her experiences, she has remained monogamous with her husband because she hasn't been mutually sexual with the people she is with, and there is no penetration. Since her husband doesn't know about any of it, we don't know if he agrees with her definition.
I am not critical of her decision to seek sexual satisfaction outside of her marriage. My problem is that I think she is less than forthright with herself, and, thus, with us, her readers. I was ultimately disappointed that she had to maintain what felt like a pretense in order to tell her story.
What I had more difficulty with was her characterization of her experiences. She's determined not to have an affair, so she only engages in one-way touching (her partners can touch her sexually but not the other way around). Much of this occurs within the context of Sacred Intimacy, a legitimate form of healing touch therapy, yet it is clear from her writing that her experiences are much more than that. As she defines her experiences, she has remained monogamous with her husband because she hasn't been mutually sexual with the people she is with, and there is no penetration. Since her husband doesn't know about any of it, we don't know if he agrees with her definition.
I am not critical of her decision to seek sexual satisfaction outside of her marriage. My problem is that I think she is less than forthright with herself, and, thus, with us, her readers. I was ultimately disappointed that she had to maintain what felt like a pretense in order to tell her story.
July 17, 2011
The sex in this book is very, very hot to me. The ethics of paying for erotic services behind one's spouse's back is... troubling, in my opinion, and that colored my enjoyment of the rest of the book. Which is unfortunate, since the story is otherwise well-written and liberating and interesting. Also, I feel like the ending was abrupt and the epilogue (detailing the author's loss of her blog and then her job because of her company's reaction to her lifestyle) held a story I would've liked to read in further depth.
March 1, 2011
I wanted to like this book so much because my very fabulous friend recommended it to me. The only thing I felt while reading this was disgust. The whole book just felt filthy to me--and not in a good way.
February 25, 2012
This book was a great read. I found this book appealing because it gives you the opportunity to feel naughty without being naughty. Its intriguing and shines light on those moments of sexual frustration. A new life goal is to open a tantric massage parlor.
August 25, 2012
OMG!!!! I LOVED LOVED LOVED this book. Read it in less than two days. Amazing!!!! Recommended for any woman out there who is searching for her inner Goddess!!!! Amazing!!!!
December 11, 2012
I kept reading thinking it was going to get interesting. The book description is nothing like the actually book. The author is self-centered and odd.
July 21, 2016
The best thing I can say about this book is that now I finally know what it would be like if Cathy from the comic strip wrote a BDSM memoir. Ack!
January 27, 2018
I fell in ‘like’ with Pamela Madsen even before I heard about or read her first book Shameless. It happened when she shared her blog post ‘My Mother and The Gift of The Traveling Red Panties’ on Facebook. I instinctively felt that she was a woman who is honest, has a good sense of humour, and ‘gets’ what embracing her sexuality was all about.
As the publicity for her book Shameless started, I heard more and more about the book, and desperately wanted to get my hands on it. After all, it promised to not be just another sex book: “Shameless is also an account of how Pamela’s journey healed her issues with food and body image and most important, helped her weave the many roles that she played—daughter, friend, partner, mother—into one fully integrated person. It is a story about a woman falling in love with herself and a call to other women to do the same.” I asked for and received a review copy.
I could not wait to plunge myself into the book, and boy, I was not disappointed. I knew Shameless is a memoir – a brave one, but it could have read like the adult-version of Nancy Drew where the fictional character by the same name was off on one good adventure after another. Instead, this was Pamela being honest (by this, I mean, being laugh-out-loud funny because she was being so brutally honest!) and bearing her soul and the most intimate details of her personal life to us, the readers.
I learned that Pamela is married to the man she fell in love with at 17, the mother of their two sons and is now 43 years old. She is also a nationally-known advocate for fertility issues; which led to her embarking on a quest to get more in touch with her sexuality. Every heroine needs a posse. Pamela calls on her sisterhood of four: Beth, Sophia, Olivia and Vicki as she embarks on her sexploration.
In riveting detail, she shares a blow-by- blow account of what she experienced at the hands of her sexual healers, men who gave her untold pleasures, taught her how to have unimaginable love for herself, and showed her how to embrace all that life presents. This is a woman who dared go where many dared not before. Pamela went on to attend countless workshops before becoming a certified sexologist/ somatic sex educator herself. She wants to bring a new focus on sexual behaviors and predilections, speaking and writing from her heart without judgment or hypocrisy. In short, she walks her talk.
Read this book even if you haven’t the foggiest idea what a sexual healer or somatic educator does. Just as you think you know and have seen everything, this is a woman who will show you the way to experiencing life with greater authenticity, courage, and zest. Cheer her on, because we all wished we had a little bit of ‘Pammy’ in our lives.
As the publicity for her book Shameless started, I heard more and more about the book, and desperately wanted to get my hands on it. After all, it promised to not be just another sex book: “Shameless is also an account of how Pamela’s journey healed her issues with food and body image and most important, helped her weave the many roles that she played—daughter, friend, partner, mother—into one fully integrated person. It is a story about a woman falling in love with herself and a call to other women to do the same.” I asked for and received a review copy.
I could not wait to plunge myself into the book, and boy, I was not disappointed. I knew Shameless is a memoir – a brave one, but it could have read like the adult-version of Nancy Drew where the fictional character by the same name was off on one good adventure after another. Instead, this was Pamela being honest (by this, I mean, being laugh-out-loud funny because she was being so brutally honest!) and bearing her soul and the most intimate details of her personal life to us, the readers.
I learned that Pamela is married to the man she fell in love with at 17, the mother of their two sons and is now 43 years old. She is also a nationally-known advocate for fertility issues; which led to her embarking on a quest to get more in touch with her sexuality. Every heroine needs a posse. Pamela calls on her sisterhood of four: Beth, Sophia, Olivia and Vicki as she embarks on her sexploration.
In riveting detail, she shares a blow-by- blow account of what she experienced at the hands of her sexual healers, men who gave her untold pleasures, taught her how to have unimaginable love for herself, and showed her how to embrace all that life presents. This is a woman who dared go where many dared not before. Pamela went on to attend countless workshops before becoming a certified sexologist/ somatic sex educator herself. She wants to bring a new focus on sexual behaviors and predilections, speaking and writing from her heart without judgment or hypocrisy. In short, she walks her talk.
Read this book even if you haven’t the foggiest idea what a sexual healer or somatic educator does. Just as you think you know and have seen everything, this is a woman who will show you the way to experiencing life with greater authenticity, courage, and zest. Cheer her on, because we all wished we had a little bit of ‘Pammy’ in our lives.
February 5, 2021
It is always wonderful to get a sneak peek into someone's sexual liberation. I loved watching Pam grow from a desire for a 'happy ending' massage to a tantra practitioner to a sub in the BDSM world. It's beautiful to see the way that sexuality and spirituality can merge to find fulfillment and confidence in yourself and your body. She's also a great writer, who finds interesting ways to describe her experience...But that's where my praise for this book ends.
I find the author to be incredibly arrogant and lacking in self awareness.
She continuously discusses how she’s not being unfaithful while being obviously unfaithful. Who comes home and says "Hey baby, I've been cheating on you for a year with a variety of sexual healer and doms" and their partner responds with "Okay, cool. I get it."?? (And this review is coming from a non-monogamous person). It's not small minded and prudish to think that being finger banged behind your monogamous husband's back is a hurtful thing to do. Either the story was written dishonestly or your husband is a complete doormat to your abuse... The way that she is so contemptuous toward him, putting him down and making it sound like he’s repressing her because he doesn’t want to engage in her new kink. He has been more than understanding to allow her to do all of this behind his back without complaint, going outside his comfort zone to meet your dom and attend munches and workshops. The way that she spends so many pages shitting on her husband and how humdrum and disappointing her sex life is, is just heartbreaking. I wish Gavin had the balls to stand up to her and refuse to be treated like trash for being nothing but faithful, open minded, understanding stable partner through her mid-life crisis.
Also, the way that she feels the need to comment on the fatness and attractiveness of every single woman that she encounters shows a lack of true body acceptance. The way she's apparently so enlightened but allows her mother to tell her how hideous and disfigured her body is and that she needs surgery is painful. If I'm being generous, perhaps she's writing from her mindset at the time, before she'd processed her body issues. It's still so cringey to read.
I can understand how this might be very inspiring to a sexually repressed housewife, but I think it's an incredibly harmful path to admire or follow.
I find the author to be incredibly arrogant and lacking in self awareness.
She continuously discusses how she’s not being unfaithful while being obviously unfaithful. Who comes home and says "Hey baby, I've been cheating on you for a year with a variety of sexual healer and doms" and their partner responds with "Okay, cool. I get it."?? (And this review is coming from a non-monogamous person). It's not small minded and prudish to think that being finger banged behind your monogamous husband's back is a hurtful thing to do. Either the story was written dishonestly or your husband is a complete doormat to your abuse... The way that she is so contemptuous toward him, putting him down and making it sound like he’s repressing her because he doesn’t want to engage in her new kink. He has been more than understanding to allow her to do all of this behind his back without complaint, going outside his comfort zone to meet your dom and attend munches and workshops. The way that she spends so many pages shitting on her husband and how humdrum and disappointing her sex life is, is just heartbreaking. I wish Gavin had the balls to stand up to her and refuse to be treated like trash for being nothing but faithful, open minded, understanding stable partner through her mid-life crisis.
Also, the way that she feels the need to comment on the fatness and attractiveness of every single woman that she encounters shows a lack of true body acceptance. The way she's apparently so enlightened but allows her mother to tell her how hideous and disfigured her body is and that she needs surgery is painful. If I'm being generous, perhaps she's writing from her mindset at the time, before she'd processed her body issues. It's still so cringey to read.
I can understand how this might be very inspiring to a sexually repressed housewife, but I think it's an incredibly harmful path to admire or follow.
March 29, 2018
ugh. i have so many thoughts on this book.
stop with all the "goddess" and "queen" and "princess" bullshit. it's not empowering, it is cringe inducing. and patronizing.
her whole reason for going the sensual massage route was because she did not want to cheat on her husband. ooookay, but i really feel like if someone is using a vibrator on you, commenting on your wetness, and making you come, that is sex. and, since you don't have an open marriage, it's cheating. and LYING for months about where you're going and what you're doing is not a great basis for a trusting, loving marriage.
who tells THEIR MOTHER that they've been getting erotic massages and THEN models their bondage gear for her?
and don't even get me started on the affairs her girlfriends were having and how no one thought they were a bad thing or wrong or ill advised.
how nice to be able to spend hundreds of dollars a session on erotic massages, plus who knows how much on trips to retreats/workshops, plus a grand on corsets and rubber skirts. i guess pleasure and loving yourself and getting over body image issues is only for rich people.
and finally, don't put sugar-laden raspberries in your vagina. and certainly don't leave them in there for them to squish out as you walk home.
stop with all the "goddess" and "queen" and "princess" bullshit. it's not empowering, it is cringe inducing. and patronizing.
her whole reason for going the sensual massage route was because she did not want to cheat on her husband. ooookay, but i really feel like if someone is using a vibrator on you, commenting on your wetness, and making you come, that is sex. and, since you don't have an open marriage, it's cheating. and LYING for months about where you're going and what you're doing is not a great basis for a trusting, loving marriage.
who tells THEIR MOTHER that they've been getting erotic massages and THEN models their bondage gear for her?
and don't even get me started on the affairs her girlfriends were having and how no one thought they were a bad thing or wrong or ill advised.
how nice to be able to spend hundreds of dollars a session on erotic massages, plus who knows how much on trips to retreats/workshops, plus a grand on corsets and rubber skirts. i guess pleasure and loving yourself and getting over body image issues is only for rich people.
and finally, don't put sugar-laden raspberries in your vagina. and certainly don't leave them in there for them to squish out as you walk home.
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July 14, 2021This book is not for the conservatives of the world, but it does address the mild boredom that women find in long term monogamy. I found the hiding from her husband super concerning, but emotionally understood why that happened. I was most impressed with the husband's ability to manage the chaos of his wife. I did skip through the book. Some of it too detailed for my liking, and definitely not a fan of some "appetites." I do not recommend it for my latter-day saint friends.
October 28, 2022
I loved it. She’s being authentic, putting herself out there for everyone to criticize and judge (see comments) and living her truth. Just because it isn’t your truth doesn’t mean she can’t share hers 😉
August 23, 2017
Reads like a teenager's blog at times, but this was entertaining. Good summer read. Madsen's pluck and the celebration of her own wishes come through!
July 29, 2018
Part of the four for hedonism, curious mix of judgements.
March 5, 2017
interesting and had a pretty hot cover photo, but I didn't find it thrilling or even relatable
December 26, 2011
I really enjoyed this book! Admittedly, when I picked it up, it was the cover and title that intrigued me... I wanted to know how someone could 'come home to cook dinner' after getting naked and finding true pleasure. I would be zoned out on my couch, glassy-eyed, probably in no shape to whip up a casserole. What's more, I found this book in my public library. Once I started reading, I felt, omg, this should be in a plain, brown wrapper! At first, I thought, ok, this is just Fantasy reading. Perhaps Ms. Madsen met a hot young guy and realized all that she was missing? In fact, she apparently met three... or four... 'hot guys' who, indeed, let her know what she was missing.
The unexpected thing, for me, was that this wasn't about an "affair" or even "sex" as much as it was about becoming more aware and alive, through 'touch.' Well, hello, if you have a HYG (or Gal, as the case may be) touching you... there... one would think you would feel "more alive." This book provided lots of uh, vicarious 'thrills,' for the Timid (Me). However, it also was a 'manifesto' of some kind for ignored wives, to take charge of their own sexual and emotional enjoyment, even if it means going outside the marriage. This is the part I found least believable, although I don't doubt it happened to Ms. Madsen. As my friend, Susan, said when I recommended the book to her, "Don't you think her husband was unusually understanding?" Yes. I do. I know my own would never accept that I had a guru of whatever stripe 'awakening' me in that manner - at least unless he was part of it.
The folks Ms. Madsen describes are called 'sacred intimates,' and this is the part I hate the most - it seems that in order to somehow justify doing what Ms. Madsen was doing (seeking sexual pleasure outside of her marriage), it had to be couched in near-religious terms. Even she realizes that her quest is for pleasure - not faith in the sacred. She does come out of the experience with a new faith, however, becoming a 'believer' in her own ability to find and enjoy pleasure. But it was good, in a strange way, that her husband declined to go on the journey with her, after visiting her therapist, saying it just 'wasn't for him.' Although his acquiescence to her continuing her activities didn't seem realistic or reflective of what most would expect from their spouses, that he did not embrace it seemed real. A fun read, and if folks look at you askance on the bus or in the doctor's office, while you're reading, you can always mention that you got it at the Library!
The unexpected thing, for me, was that this wasn't about an "affair" or even "sex" as much as it was about becoming more aware and alive, through 'touch.' Well, hello, if you have a HYG (or Gal, as the case may be) touching you... there... one would think you would feel "more alive." This book provided lots of uh, vicarious 'thrills,' for the Timid (Me). However, it also was a 'manifesto' of some kind for ignored wives, to take charge of their own sexual and emotional enjoyment, even if it means going outside the marriage. This is the part I found least believable, although I don't doubt it happened to Ms. Madsen. As my friend, Susan, said when I recommended the book to her, "Don't you think her husband was unusually understanding?" Yes. I do. I know my own would never accept that I had a guru of whatever stripe 'awakening' me in that manner - at least unless he was part of it.
The folks Ms. Madsen describes are called 'sacred intimates,' and this is the part I hate the most - it seems that in order to somehow justify doing what Ms. Madsen was doing (seeking sexual pleasure outside of her marriage), it had to be couched in near-religious terms. Even she realizes that her quest is for pleasure - not faith in the sacred. She does come out of the experience with a new faith, however, becoming a 'believer' in her own ability to find and enjoy pleasure. But it was good, in a strange way, that her husband declined to go on the journey with her, after visiting her therapist, saying it just 'wasn't for him.' Although his acquiescence to her continuing her activities didn't seem realistic or reflective of what most would expect from their spouses, that he did not embrace it seemed real. A fun read, and if folks look at you askance on the bus or in the doctor's office, while you're reading, you can always mention that you got it at the Library!
February 8, 2017
Weird. I think I read a good review of this book as a hilarious memoir of a woman having a midlife crisis, so I thought, "Okay. That could be interesting." It does has some amusing self-deprecating writing, but the crux is that this woman felt old and fat and like she was missing out since she'd only ever had sex with her husband. But she didn't want to have an affair. So she started going for sensual massages which led to "sacred intimacy" which led to SM/BD. Oookaaay. And, amazingly, her husband didn't mind because she was happy and she wasn't having intercourse or oral sex with these other men, who were actually mostly gay but knew how to spank her into orgasm. She felt great and fulfilled and attractive (even though she was paying for the services) and she and her husband came to a detente in which she can pursue her kinky urges while he enjoys regular vanilla relations with her. So I guess it's all good. A real "happy ending," in every sense of the word. Not my cup of tea, though.
February 18, 2017
Pamela Madsen bravely goes, where few will, then she talks about it frankly and authentically. This is the sexual journey and awakening of a regular person, in a regular marriage, who takes on her own demons in and out of the bedroom. A courageous journey and an interesting and enjoyable read.
November 7, 2014
Warning: Some spoilers included.
I started reading this book for entertainment, but it affected me much more than as pure entertainment. Although I found it witty, the message it imparted was serious and one that we women need to hear. It is written by Pamela Madsen a Jewish New York woman who hated her body and at the same time was looking for the kind of sensuality which she didn't experience in her loving 20 year marriage. When she set off on her journey she didn't know what she was looking for, but she had felt restless and wanted something more than to be sexually satisfied by her husband. What she found was a kind of sensuality that was only for her and she had to learn to accept it, learn to feel she deserved it. She found much more than she was looking for with sacred sexuality therapists and workshops. Her journey led her to uncovering her deepest desires in DS/SM therapy. In her journey she started experiencing for the first time acceptance and love of her body, healing and a freeing of her libido in ways she couldn't have imagined. I admire this woman for having the courage to not only take this journey into her own sensuality, but to write publicly about her intimate experiences. I'm sure she's helping a lot of women view their bodies differently and perhaps get in touch with their desires..
I started reading this book for entertainment, but it affected me much more than as pure entertainment. Although I found it witty, the message it imparted was serious and one that we women need to hear. It is written by Pamela Madsen a Jewish New York woman who hated her body and at the same time was looking for the kind of sensuality which she didn't experience in her loving 20 year marriage. When she set off on her journey she didn't know what she was looking for, but she had felt restless and wanted something more than to be sexually satisfied by her husband. What she found was a kind of sensuality that was only for her and she had to learn to accept it, learn to feel she deserved it. She found much more than she was looking for with sacred sexuality therapists and workshops. Her journey led her to uncovering her deepest desires in DS/SM therapy. In her journey she started experiencing for the first time acceptance and love of her body, healing and a freeing of her libido in ways she couldn't have imagined. I admire this woman for having the courage to not only take this journey into her own sensuality, but to write publicly about her intimate experiences. I'm sure she's helping a lot of women view their bodies differently and perhaps get in touch with their desires..
September 7, 2015
This book was an interesting and informative read as the author explored her own changing sexuality and came to terms with long held feelings of body shame. I was disappointed though with her dishonesty, deception and lack of disclosure to her husband that she had sought this kind of "Sacred Intimacy" and for such a prolonged period of time. Further, she involved friends in creating and keeping a conspiracy of lies.
I did wonder if she waited to tell her husband earlier as she did not want to discontinue her sessions? I felt this avoidance could be a distraction for readers from the main points Madsen was making about facing fears, accepting oneself, feeling successful, sexy or powerful not being measured by your waistline, feeling beautiful as you are and that you can be safe, vulnerable and heal. It does brings up the conundrum of who we listen to and why?
The very end of the book felt quite rushed to me. The epilogue created even more questions!
I believe this book may have been better received if she had been honest although I do applaud her for sharing the HOW she really walked this path! I think it is hard to separate her actions from the points she was trying to make. I am very comfortable with alternative sexuality and am sex positive yet was bothered by this lack of transparency.
I did wonder if she waited to tell her husband earlier as she did not want to discontinue her sessions? I felt this avoidance could be a distraction for readers from the main points Madsen was making about facing fears, accepting oneself, feeling successful, sexy or powerful not being measured by your waistline, feeling beautiful as you are and that you can be safe, vulnerable and heal. It does brings up the conundrum of who we listen to and why?
The very end of the book felt quite rushed to me. The epilogue created even more questions!
I believe this book may have been better received if she had been honest although I do applaud her for sharing the HOW she really walked this path! I think it is hard to separate her actions from the points she was trying to make. I am very comfortable with alternative sexuality and am sex positive yet was bothered by this lack of transparency.
April 1, 2011
I read this book because it was mentioned on a blog I frequent. I was intrigued by the premise of healing through sensual or erotic massage (something I'd only just barely heard about before - I had no idea that there were people who do it professionally), and I admire her courage in being able to share her story so openly given the taboo subject.
In truth, I had a hard time putting the book down. It was easy to relate to her curiosity about her own desires, and it kept me wondering what she'd discover about herself next.
I was a little disappointed about how long it took her to share her new explorations with her husband - I spent most of the book waiting for it. I can understand why she didn't tell him right away, feeling like it was mostly about her and her own reawakening of desire, but some of the things she was doing would feel like a betrayal of trust to me - especially when she was lying about where she was.
All said, it was a very intriguing book, and an interesting read. I'm glad the author had the courage to share the story of how she found acceptance of herself, and I think she is right that other people may benefit or find inspiration for their own healing journey through her story.
In truth, I had a hard time putting the book down. It was easy to relate to her curiosity about her own desires, and it kept me wondering what she'd discover about herself next.
I was a little disappointed about how long it took her to share her new explorations with her husband - I spent most of the book waiting for it. I can understand why she didn't tell him right away, feeling like it was mostly about her and her own reawakening of desire, but some of the things she was doing would feel like a betrayal of trust to me - especially when she was lying about where she was.
All said, it was a very intriguing book, and an interesting read. I'm glad the author had the courage to share the story of how she found acceptance of herself, and I think she is right that other people may benefit or find inspiration for their own healing journey through her story.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 30, 2011
This was a definitely a fun read. The author wrote it in a style that made it very easy to relate to the main characters. The main character felt like someone you knew, a friend. The writing style was easy to understand and I enjoyed the bits of pop culture she included like the names of other novels, T.V. shows and department stores. I found myself laughing out loud, feeling the same sense of shame or embarrassment she felt and the same feelings of sadness she felt. You went along with this character on her journey and her accomplishments became yours and the things she learned and realized, you learn and realize as well. This is a good book for women who feel they are in a slump or for women who are looking for an uplifting novel about women who haven't realized how beautiful and amazing they really are and how much more spectacular they can be. I was a fast read because I was curious to see where her journey ended. In the end, I felt just as whole, good, and beautiful as she did. I'm definitely recommending this book to my book club.
August 7, 2014
At times I questioned the veracity of this confessional book. The dialogue, especially, seemed contrived or "in the spirit of" what someone may have said as opposed to what s/he actually said.
The author's delay in discussing her needs and activities with her spouse is unsatisfactorily explained.
The essence of sexual "spirituality" strikes me as excuse-making. Anyone seeks out new experiences should own up to the purpose and related joys or disappointments for what they are; nothing more, nothing less.
The most intriguing aspects, which do not come up until the end, include the level of open discussion with the author's inner circle of friends and family (including her mother), and the costs of the author's choices upon her personal and professional lives.
All in all, this book is neither as scandalous nor as interesting as anticipated. The book's biggest surprise is it's feat in making such fertile subject matter dull.
The author's delay in discussing her needs and activities with her spouse is unsatisfactorily explained.
The essence of sexual "spirituality" strikes me as excuse-making. Anyone seeks out new experiences should own up to the purpose and related joys or disappointments for what they are; nothing more, nothing less.
The most intriguing aspects, which do not come up until the end, include the level of open discussion with the author's inner circle of friends and family (including her mother), and the costs of the author's choices upon her personal and professional lives.
All in all, this book is neither as scandalous nor as interesting as anticipated. The book's biggest surprise is it's feat in making such fertile subject matter dull.
April 16, 2015
Not the titillating sex romp promised by the cover photo, this book is a brave chronicle of the author's journey into self-healing. Long surrounded by a group of close female friends who sought excitement outside of marriage, Pam Madsen remained the one "good girl," the staid wife and mother content in her loving marriage to the only man she'd ever known intimately.
Until she couldn't. Surprised by a sudden, intense longing, Pam, powered by an energy she'd never felt before, tentatively stepped into an exploration of feeling through body touch and erotic massage. Never wanting to cheat on her beloved husband and wanting to empower her marriage rather than destroy it, she chose safe and wise avenues.
This is a masterfully-told story of the power of spiritual and erotic energy in the body, the healing of our conditioned self-hatred, and, finally, the letting go of shame.
Shameless.
Until she couldn't. Surprised by a sudden, intense longing, Pam, powered by an energy she'd never felt before, tentatively stepped into an exploration of feeling through body touch and erotic massage. Never wanting to cheat on her beloved husband and wanting to empower her marriage rather than destroy it, she chose safe and wise avenues.
This is a masterfully-told story of the power of spiritual and erotic energy in the body, the healing of our conditioned self-hatred, and, finally, the letting go of shame.
Shameless.
May 2, 2011
Not entirely sure what to think about this one...it was an interesting read - a good glimpse into an underground world of a sexually frustrated suburban housewife. I just don't understand how a woman who claims to be happy in her marriage out of the blue one day decides she needs more that her husband can't give her. So what does she do? She starts getting erotic massages from gay men. Miraculously, this leads to an acceptance of her body (according to the book, her food issues utterly disappear), and her husband doesn't seem very phased when she finally tells him after almost a year of sessions. I guess the book just seemed like everything went a little too easy for her, she never struggles with the fact that she's doing this behind her husband's back, the fact that it could destroy her successful career, or the fact that she's using "scared intimacy" as her newest crutch.
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