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The Best Little Boy in the World: The 25th Anniversary Edition of the Classic Memoir
The classic account of growing up gay in America.
"The best little boy in the world never had wet dreams or masturbated; he always topped his class, honored mom and dad, deferred to elders and excelled in sports . . . . The best little boy in the world was . . . the model IBM exec . . . The best little boy in the world was a closet case who 'never read anything about homosexuality.' . . . John Reid comes out slowly, hilariously, brilliantly. One reads this utterly honest account with the shock of recognition." The New York Times
"The quality of this book is fantastic because it comes of equal parts honesty and logic and humor. It is far from being the story of a Gay crusader, nor is it the story of a closet queen. It is the story of a normal boy growing into maturity without managing to get raped into, or taunted because of, his homosexuality. . . . He is bright enough to be aware of his hangups and the reasons for them. And he writes well enough that he doesn't resort to sensationalism . . . ." San Francisco Bay Area Reporter
"The best little boy in the world never had wet dreams or masturbated; he always topped his class, honored mom and dad, deferred to elders and excelled in sports . . . . The best little boy in the world was . . . the model IBM exec . . . The best little boy in the world was a closet case who 'never read anything about homosexuality.' . . . John Reid comes out slowly, hilariously, brilliantly. One reads this utterly honest account with the shock of recognition." The New York Times
"The quality of this book is fantastic because it comes of equal parts honesty and logic and humor. It is far from being the story of a Gay crusader, nor is it the story of a closet queen. It is the story of a normal boy growing into maturity without managing to get raped into, or taunted because of, his homosexuality. . . . He is bright enough to be aware of his hangups and the reasons for them. And he writes well enough that he doesn't resort to sensationalism . . . ." San Francisco Bay Area Reporter
247 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1973
54 people are currently reading
1301 people want to read
About the author
John Reid
228 books11 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 95 reviews
March 25, 2016
The sexually repressed childhood and adolescence of now-famous journalist, columnist, and investment guru Andrew Tobias [writing as John Reid] must have been awful for him, as it was for many of us. Tobias makes us sympathize, and we recognize much of our own early lives in his. In these respects his book is largely successful.
Certainly it has been read extensively since 1973 by gay people for inspiration to come-out and by straight people to understand them. There is no doubt it has had a mostly positive and significant effect. It's funny throughout, and manages to build up a significant emotional weight. So, judging by the cultural situation of the 1970s re: homosexuality, these positive considerations rate the book 5-stars.
Yet...this is one of the hardest books for me to rate in total, ever. There is a darker side.
The book has aged badly, very badly, and it suffers from Tobias's stratospheric level of naiveté. Can anyone be so clueless? Sure, it makes us feel better that he may have had it worse than us, but it just becomes embarrassing.
Even worse, can we forgive 1) his cringingly overt racism (most of it revealingly removed in later editions: I read the first edition, and also the latest reprint because of my book collector's bibliographic curiosity: it's a quick read);
2) his astounding feeling of superiority over everyone caused by his arrogant personality—apart from sex, where he was a total loser;
3) his bragging about his early business success at 22-years-old, making loads of money at IBM;
4) his continually expressed hatred of effeminacy, and the incessant insults he spews about "faggots" with their "limp wrists" and "lisping" voices [the quoted words in this review are used throughout Tobias's book: repetition is an element of his style, most repeated words and phrases should have been caught by his editor but weren't] ;
5) his demand for homosexuals to behave like straight people and blend in, other than those they choose to have sex with.
Take a breath...
6) His overstatements that he is ONLY attracted to "cowboys," meaning, in the book's context, conservative and straight-acting people;
7) his admission that only beautiful people should be gay, it's better for "ugly" (I lost count how many times he used that word) people to stay home and clear the field for him and his beauties;
8) his stupid beliefs that homosexuality is determined by environment, body type and height (!), physical beauty, closeness to mothers and absence of fathers—"born that way" is not part of his conception, although he does state it can't be cured;
9) his truly disgusting agism, claiming that older people (roughly over 35) are sexually unwanted and become pedophiles and/or steal the young "munchkins" for themselves by paying for their services, or "keeping" them—yet Tobias hypocritically worries that he will get old and ugly eventually, and wonders who will take care of him then.
Taken together, all of these complaints rate 1-star at best.
It all becomes almost too silly to read. If not for its humor and the author's obvious sincerity, even when his attitude is so wrongheaded in hindsight, I would have thrown this book away. At least he won't get even so much as a glance from me when he gets old—so totally ugly and old.
Certainly it has been read extensively since 1973 by gay people for inspiration to come-out and by straight people to understand them. There is no doubt it has had a mostly positive and significant effect. It's funny throughout, and manages to build up a significant emotional weight. So, judging by the cultural situation of the 1970s re: homosexuality, these positive considerations rate the book 5-stars.
Yet...this is one of the hardest books for me to rate in total, ever. There is a darker side.
The book has aged badly, very badly, and it suffers from Tobias's stratospheric level of naiveté. Can anyone be so clueless? Sure, it makes us feel better that he may have had it worse than us, but it just becomes embarrassing.
Even worse, can we forgive 1) his cringingly overt racism (most of it revealingly removed in later editions: I read the first edition, and also the latest reprint because of my book collector's bibliographic curiosity: it's a quick read);
2) his astounding feeling of superiority over everyone caused by his arrogant personality—apart from sex, where he was a total loser;
3) his bragging about his early business success at 22-years-old, making loads of money at IBM;
4) his continually expressed hatred of effeminacy, and the incessant insults he spews about "faggots" with their "limp wrists" and "lisping" voices [the quoted words in this review are used throughout Tobias's book: repetition is an element of his style, most repeated words and phrases should have been caught by his editor but weren't] ;
5) his demand for homosexuals to behave like straight people and blend in, other than those they choose to have sex with.
Take a breath...
6) His overstatements that he is ONLY attracted to "cowboys," meaning, in the book's context, conservative and straight-acting people;
7) his admission that only beautiful people should be gay, it's better for "ugly" (I lost count how many times he used that word) people to stay home and clear the field for him and his beauties;
8) his stupid beliefs that homosexuality is determined by environment, body type and height (!), physical beauty, closeness to mothers and absence of fathers—"born that way" is not part of his conception, although he does state it can't be cured;
9) his truly disgusting agism, claiming that older people (roughly over 35) are sexually unwanted and become pedophiles and/or steal the young "munchkins" for themselves by paying for their services, or "keeping" them—yet Tobias hypocritically worries that he will get old and ugly eventually, and wonders who will take care of him then.
Taken together, all of these complaints rate 1-star at best.
It all becomes almost too silly to read. If not for its humor and the author's obvious sincerity, even when his attitude is so wrongheaded in hindsight, I would have thrown this book away. At least he won't get even so much as a glance from me when he gets old—so totally ugly and old.
August 8, 2013
I was really excited about reading it because it was voted as one of the 50 best gay books by AE readers, many call it a classic and it had an interesting title but it turned out very disappointing for me and I guess that shows you how very different people's tastes can be.
-if you liked this book I advise you not to read the rest of my review-
I didn't like it at all and could barely finish it.
I was hoping that leaving it for a while and getting back to it would help and that I might find it bearable, that didn't work obviously... I think the personalty of the mc (the author)is kinda obnoxious and I can't find anything that I like about him or his story.
he finds himself to be so smart and handsome and he can predict what people will do and he knows what they're thinking about. he is basically superior to everyone he knows except maybe his friend Hank. the entire time I was reading I was hoping for something horrible to happen to him and turn him into a decant person and I hope that doesn't make me as obnoxious as he was.
and the parts where he explained how/why this person or that turned/developed gay and how the reason wasn't the same for him...like everyone was so easy to analyze and understand but he was (yet again) a superior being that was more complicated really annoyed me
overall I HATED IT.
if you hate brats who have it easy all their lives and don't have any real world problems or worries this book is not for you.
-if you liked this book I advise you not to read the rest of my review-
I didn't like it at all and could barely finish it.
I was hoping that leaving it for a while and getting back to it would help and that I might find it bearable, that didn't work obviously... I think the personalty of the mc (the author)is kinda obnoxious and I can't find anything that I like about him or his story.
he finds himself to be so smart and handsome and he can predict what people will do and he knows what they're thinking about. he is basically superior to everyone he knows except maybe his friend Hank. the entire time I was reading I was hoping for something horrible to happen to him and turn him into a decant person and I hope that doesn't make me as obnoxious as he was.
and the parts where he explained how/why this person or that turned/developed gay and how the reason wasn't the same for him...like everyone was so easy to analyze and understand but he was (yet again) a superior being that was more complicated really annoyed me
overall I HATED IT.
if you hate brats who have it easy all their lives and don't have any real world problems or worries this book is not for you.
November 17, 2012
Egads. Welcome once again to the mind of an over-privileged rich white guy (and WHEEE! He's a self-hating homophobic gay, how's that for an upgrade?!)
*headdesk*
Mind you, it's not because he's worried about getting dumped by his friends and family - all this special snowflake is worried about is no longer being "THE BEST LITTLE BOY IN THE WORLD"(TM) and of course his career. He is completely incapable of emphasizing with anyone/anything that doesn't immediately affect *himself*, and only worries about not being able to really *feel* deep emotions because it might get in the way of accomplishing his goals...
I'm not a certified psychologist, but he appears to be a textbook case of Anti-Social Personality Disorder. And I really hope his victims/ex-boyfriends were able to find a man able to love and accept them.
*headdesk*
Mind you, it's not because he's worried about getting dumped by his friends and family - all this special snowflake is worried about is no longer being "THE BEST LITTLE BOY IN THE WORLD"(TM) and of course his career. He is completely incapable of emphasizing with anyone/anything that doesn't immediately affect *himself*, and only worries about not being able to really *feel* deep emotions because it might get in the way of accomplishing his goals...
I'm not a certified psychologist, but he appears to be a textbook case of Anti-Social Personality Disorder. And I really hope his victims/ex-boyfriends were able to find a man able to love and accept them.
July 15, 2023
book about a miserable self-obsessed gay man what could i relate to more!
January 23, 2019
I wonder if a book could possibly age worse than The Best Little Boy in the World. The narrator is arrogant, condescending, racist, misogynist, and completely delusional. The contempt he has for anyone who doesn't meet his standards (white, masculine, educated, rich, fit, young) comes through in every single page.
Perhaps the worst part, though, is how prevalent these attitudes remain some 45 years later. It is maddening to read and reflect on how many BLBITWs there still are – gay men who talk about how repulsive they find women, who immediately dismiss anyone who isn't a perfect 10 (or at least a near-perfect 9), who don't understand how anyone could even speak to a man who displays any feminine traits.
I'm sure this book was groundbreaking when it was first published. To me, though, all it does is showcase everything wrong with White Gay (TM) culture.
Perhaps the worst part, though, is how prevalent these attitudes remain some 45 years later. It is maddening to read and reflect on how many BLBITWs there still are – gay men who talk about how repulsive they find women, who immediately dismiss anyone who isn't a perfect 10 (or at least a near-perfect 9), who don't understand how anyone could even speak to a man who displays any feminine traits.
I'm sure this book was groundbreaking when it was first published. To me, though, all it does is showcase everything wrong with White Gay (TM) culture.
June 13, 2020
So, this shit is problematic.
I read the follow-up to this memoir before reading this book and I noted some problematic statements in that book, but this one has blatant problems.
1. This book was written when Tobias was 25.
He had only been out for a few years at the point when he wrote this. He very clearly didn't know much about queer culture outside of his own experience and didn't make much effort to educate himself. His experiences were mostly limited to his sexually incestuous circle of beautiful white cis men. He was very vocal about speaking down on other subsets of the queer spectrum.
2. Tobias was raised in a privilege.
From what I understand this was one of the first biographies to be widely read which was written by a gay man. It's really a shame. This spoiled brat no doubt worked hard to be where he was, but it's clear he had advantages to help him succeed. Sure, he was in danger of losing his job if anyone would have found out he was gay, but he wasn't someone who was in physical danger. To be honest, I don't fucking care what some silver spoon Patrick Bateman self-centered yuppy fuck experienced. He wasn't advocating for change. He was talking about himself and his superiority.
3. He is very sex negative.
Throughout the book Tobais looked down at his nose, not only on the sexually promiscuous, but on sex. He painted the picture of his morally acceptable penetration-less "sex" approach and judged others for even kissing. When he spoke of the evolution of his sexual experiences, he spoke in abstracts, but his criticisms were specific. So he was allowed to dabble into [insert whatever his abstractions meant, I assume anal sex but he never clarified what he meant], but would never think about discussing them. Toxic.
4. He has homophobic tendencies and defaults to sexism.
He fantasizes about having a relationship with a cowboy, as if that is the morally correct goal for a gay man. But when he discusses the specifics of what that means, it's rather sex-less. It's rather contact-less. It's more... wrestling than penetrative sex. He uses the word "faggot" as a derogatory term to mean anyone who is deemed too campy or too gay. And at the end of the description of such faggots, he would say something to the effect of If I were attracted to women then I'd be fucking women! Acting like women, or having female tendencies, is always negative for Tobias.
5. He tries to figure out what makes people gay.
Several times in this book Tobias tries to assign blame as to why someone is gay. According to that logic, the default mode is straight, and something happens to divert that person's course. It is an effect with a social cause. This leads to the false idea that homosexuality can be "corrected." Although Tobias outright says that such correction isn't possible for homosexuals, why would he spend time trying to figure out the cause of someone's homosexuality?
____________
I hated this book.
In the follow-up, Tobias has clearly lived a little more and has a more mature and accepting perspective, and he is able to shed light on his experience with the AIDS epidemic. However, he is still a product of his privileged upbringing and makes crass distinctions between queer subsets. Don't waste your time reading this, and Tobias doesn't need your money.
I read the follow-up to this memoir before reading this book and I noted some problematic statements in that book, but this one has blatant problems.
1. This book was written when Tobias was 25.
He had only been out for a few years at the point when he wrote this. He very clearly didn't know much about queer culture outside of his own experience and didn't make much effort to educate himself. His experiences were mostly limited to his sexually incestuous circle of beautiful white cis men. He was very vocal about speaking down on other subsets of the queer spectrum.
2. Tobias was raised in a privilege.
From what I understand this was one of the first biographies to be widely read which was written by a gay man. It's really a shame. This spoiled brat no doubt worked hard to be where he was, but it's clear he had advantages to help him succeed. Sure, he was in danger of losing his job if anyone would have found out he was gay, but he wasn't someone who was in physical danger. To be honest, I don't fucking care what some silver spoon Patrick Bateman self-centered yuppy fuck experienced. He wasn't advocating for change. He was talking about himself and his superiority.
3. He is very sex negative.
Throughout the book Tobais looked down at his nose, not only on the sexually promiscuous, but on sex. He painted the picture of his morally acceptable penetration-less "sex" approach and judged others for even kissing. When he spoke of the evolution of his sexual experiences, he spoke in abstracts, but his criticisms were specific. So he was allowed to dabble into [insert whatever his abstractions meant, I assume anal sex but he never clarified what he meant], but would never think about discussing them. Toxic.
4. He has homophobic tendencies and defaults to sexism.
He fantasizes about having a relationship with a cowboy, as if that is the morally correct goal for a gay man. But when he discusses the specifics of what that means, it's rather sex-less. It's rather contact-less. It's more... wrestling than penetrative sex. He uses the word "faggot" as a derogatory term to mean anyone who is deemed too campy or too gay. And at the end of the description of such faggots, he would say something to the effect of If I were attracted to women then I'd be fucking women! Acting like women, or having female tendencies, is always negative for Tobias.
5. He tries to figure out what makes people gay.
Several times in this book Tobias tries to assign blame as to why someone is gay. According to that logic, the default mode is straight, and something happens to divert that person's course. It is an effect with a social cause. This leads to the false idea that homosexuality can be "corrected." Although Tobias outright says that such correction isn't possible for homosexuals, why would he spend time trying to figure out the cause of someone's homosexuality?
____________
I hated this book.
In the follow-up, Tobias has clearly lived a little more and has a more mature and accepting perspective, and he is able to shed light on his experience with the AIDS epidemic. However, he is still a product of his privileged upbringing and makes crass distinctions between queer subsets. Don't waste your time reading this, and Tobias doesn't need your money.
December 31, 2014
The Best Little Boy in The World by Andrew Tobias - written as John Reid
This is the story of a boy that is the best little boy in the world (BLBITW) as measured by all standards - great grades, great in sports and bound to Yale. However he hides a secret: he's gay. So he proceeds to tells us the story of his coming out.
Some coming out stories are classics that transcend the test of time. This book is not. Just like Tobias/Reid spends lots of times reciting Spartacus' guide to gay life in new York City, Boston, and Provincetown in the seventies - both that Spartacus issue and this books are "old news."
Narrated from the first person point of view - it starts with a bang: "I was eighteen years old when I learned to fart." Tobias/Reid then goes on on masturbation, which he also discovered at age 18. (Don't believe it).
From there he goes on to a series of boring descriptions of several relationships - must of which are nameless (for example Esquire is a lawyer, Mother is his mother and Father is his father). The most humanity in the book is when the writer decides that there may be a worthiness to some people other than their looks. Mr. Tobias/Reid comes out as a snob - favoring men who are Ivy League graduates or "butch." Effeminate men are discriminated upon.
I could tolerate that, only because it was written in the seventies, but I was offended by the blatant racism: "I'm from Queents, New Yawuk, and my life'ss ambition iss to go to Puerto Rico and find some gorgeouss number to f**k me." p. 207.
Even though the work could be considered as a time period capsule, I'm afraid I will pass on The Best Little Boy in the World Grows up.
I think you should read something else....
This is the story of a boy that is the best little boy in the world (BLBITW) as measured by all standards - great grades, great in sports and bound to Yale. However he hides a secret: he's gay. So he proceeds to tells us the story of his coming out.
Some coming out stories are classics that transcend the test of time. This book is not. Just like Tobias/Reid spends lots of times reciting Spartacus' guide to gay life in new York City, Boston, and Provincetown in the seventies - both that Spartacus issue and this books are "old news."
Narrated from the first person point of view - it starts with a bang: "I was eighteen years old when I learned to fart." Tobias/Reid then goes on on masturbation, which he also discovered at age 18. (Don't believe it).
From there he goes on to a series of boring descriptions of several relationships - must of which are nameless (for example Esquire is a lawyer, Mother is his mother and Father is his father). The most humanity in the book is when the writer decides that there may be a worthiness to some people other than their looks. Mr. Tobias/Reid comes out as a snob - favoring men who are Ivy League graduates or "butch." Effeminate men are discriminated upon.
I could tolerate that, only because it was written in the seventies, but I was offended by the blatant racism: "I'm from Queents, New Yawuk, and my life'ss ambition iss to go to Puerto Rico and find some gorgeouss number to f**k me." p. 207.
Even though the work could be considered as a time period capsule, I'm afraid I will pass on The Best Little Boy in the World Grows up.
I think you should read something else....
October 23, 2011
This was my coming out book, and I was so happy that there was a narrator who was so much like me!
February 25, 2012
This book changed my life. It was as if I were reading my own story on the pages. I will never forget it.
May 16, 2020
Wow it's been a while since I rated a book five stars.
Okay, right of the bat. John comes across as a dick. He's condescending, he's reserved with praise and he's certainly not apologetic. But hear me out - THAT'S WHAT MAKES THIS BOOK SUCH A GOOD READ. It's the mind of a white straight-passing upper class man from the 60s (early 70s?) with a penchant for the dramatic. He's a queen without knowing it. Or maybe he's conscious and skirts around it. It's witty, it's awkward and it's honest. I faced an extremely similar background and life up till now atleast, and on the cusp of college and out, I can't help but take several lessons from this man - most of all the self chastisement and the search for a moral system that does not completely disinherited the status quo. You bet I'm gonna read the next book. Hopefully I get to hear some stories about his career gay, as that's the next step for me.
PS Ofc, I recently dissed the Little Prince (deservedly) in my Goodreads review. So maybe I'm just soulless after all.
Okay, right of the bat. John comes across as a dick. He's condescending, he's reserved with praise and he's certainly not apologetic. But hear me out - THAT'S WHAT MAKES THIS BOOK SUCH A GOOD READ. It's the mind of a white straight-passing upper class man from the 60s (early 70s?) with a penchant for the dramatic. He's a queen without knowing it. Or maybe he's conscious and skirts around it. It's witty, it's awkward and it's honest. I faced an extremely similar background and life up till now atleast, and on the cusp of college and out, I can't help but take several lessons from this man - most of all the self chastisement and the search for a moral system that does not completely disinherited the status quo. You bet I'm gonna read the next book. Hopefully I get to hear some stories about his career gay, as that's the next step for me.
PS Ofc, I recently dissed the Little Prince (deservedly) in my Goodreads review. So maybe I'm just soulless after all.
May 24, 2022
This book was probably an A+ read in the 1970s, but reading it now I observed so much internalized homophobia, and damaging stereotypes of the queer community throughout his stories. Although I could fully commiserate with so many parts of his coming-out journey, I really wouldn’t recommend the read unless you’re looking to learn more an individual gay man’s experience from that time period. 2/5
January 18, 2024
Very much enjoyed this. It was easy to read. There were lots of moments and thoughts he gets into about growing up knowing you’re gay and not wanting to be that I had never seen explored before.
September 28, 2007
Honest, funny, and poignant. Many, if not most currently middle-aged gay men will find much of their own growing-up and coming-out experiences captured quite neatly, with frank humor and a touch of the bittersweet. The author's early sexual exploits may be more numerous, and perhaps bordering closer to what some may consider "sordid" than many people have experienced, the associated thoughts, feelings and responses are familiar to nearly everyone.
Those with a close relationship with an adult gay man could find a wealth of insight in this story into what it is like to grow up gay in this culture.
Those with a close relationship with an adult gay man could find a wealth of insight in this story into what it is like to grow up gay in this culture.
December 5, 2019
I remember reading this shortly after it was printed. As other people have said, Andrew Tobias' story was the story of my life. Incredibly well written, better than any diary I could have kept, I wondered if someone was spying on me, but this guy was smarter and much better looking that I was.
October 23, 2011
a classic, but I don't see it. Author thinks he came out of the closet. More like he poked his nose out and felt around a bit. Never gets into a full relationship.
June 26, 2014
Formative or simply informative? I think I've blocked it out.
March 29, 2020
This book really did not age well at all and I wouldn’t recommend it.
December 22, 2022
Hard to believe that I'd never read (nor even remember hearing of) this book sooner, especially having lived in SF, NYC, and other places with Q family, friends and large openly gay populations. That being said, better late than never and I really enjoyed it! TBLBITW was a captivating read that really holds up decades later. It surprised me how current it seemed, while at the same time capturing how things felt back then (and giving me a sense of nostalgia for my growing up during the time in-between).
Thank you to the author for sharing his experiences with so much humor, hope, and words of wisdom throughout the book -- I especially want to remember some passages from pp. 239-240:
... Tell everyone. Enjoy it. You can't possibly be happy if you hate yourself, if you don't like the image you have of yourself. I think happiness is being satisfied with what you are... It will be easier for you to change you opinion of yourself than for you to change your fundamental sexual orientation (or any qualities). You should be proud and delighted... I have learned to love my array of quaint fuck-ups. That's the trick...If you just make up your mind to like yourself, you will be happy. Once happy, you will have all the more reasons to like yourself, It's as much a self-fulfilling prophecy as anything else: To like yourself, you have to think you're nifty. To be nifty, you have to be happy. To be happy, you have to like yourself. To like yourself, you have to think you're nifty. To be nifty, you have to be happy. To be happy, you have to like--- (etc.)
...It's very much like a religion: I define myself as happy. I take it on faith. It may sound irrational, this defining myself as happy--but what religion *is* rational? What rational purpose *is* there for living?
Although I have not struggled with sexual orientation, I HAVE struggled with self-acceptance/care/esteem/love -- but these snippets remind me of the advice to "act as if" we are happy/confident/secure) until it becomes second nature" or "fake it (happiness/confidence/etc.) till you make it."
I am so grateful for the increased acceptance for the LGBTQIA+ community in recent times and pray for complete global acceptance. I appreciate this wonderful book and I am looking forward to reading the sequel!
Thank you to the author for sharing his experiences with so much humor, hope, and words of wisdom throughout the book -- I especially want to remember some passages from pp. 239-240:
... Tell everyone. Enjoy it. You can't possibly be happy if you hate yourself, if you don't like the image you have of yourself. I think happiness is being satisfied with what you are... It will be easier for you to change you opinion of yourself than for you to change your fundamental sexual orientation (or any qualities). You should be proud and delighted... I have learned to love my array of quaint fuck-ups. That's the trick...If you just make up your mind to like yourself, you will be happy. Once happy, you will have all the more reasons to like yourself, It's as much a self-fulfilling prophecy as anything else: To like yourself, you have to think you're nifty. To be nifty, you have to be happy. To be happy, you have to like yourself. To like yourself, you have to think you're nifty. To be nifty, you have to be happy. To be happy, you have to like--- (etc.)
...It's very much like a religion: I define myself as happy. I take it on faith. It may sound irrational, this defining myself as happy--but what religion *is* rational? What rational purpose *is* there for living?
Although I have not struggled with sexual orientation, I HAVE struggled with self-acceptance/care/esteem/love -- but these snippets remind me of the advice to "act as if" we are happy/confident/secure) until it becomes second nature" or "fake it (happiness/confidence/etc.) till you make it."
I am so grateful for the increased acceptance for the LGBTQIA+ community in recent times and pray for complete global acceptance. I appreciate this wonderful book and I am looking forward to reading the sequel!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 2, 2022
Trapped in Amber
I enjoy the writing of Andrew Tobias, always have, and finally got around to reading this, his first book. The author though is labeled as ‘John Reid,’ a pseudonym used to protect the author’s parents from the blowback of finding out their son is gay, in 1973.
The book captures those times well and when it comes to life in New York City in the 1970s, the portrait is dead-on. I know, I was there too. This said, the book feels frozen in pre-history, like a wasp trapped in amber. Why? Guess.
I entered art school in New York in 1978 and saw up close how the Gay world was evolving, growing, gaining influence, becoming dominant in new fields, and—oh my—were the times fun, even for a straight guy like me. Tobias documents this rising tide first hand and he embodies the coming out experience of millions. He tells the story with energy and explicit detail, but with a restrained style that is one of the themes of both him as a person and this book.
AIDS.
Yes, this book is locked in amber because it documents the pre-AIDS Gay world. In this, it reminds me of Ann Beattie’s Love Always, published in 1985, which also documents that lost world and was already an artifact on the day it was published.
That 1970’s Gay world was fleeting, we didn’t know it at the time, then watched it vanish in a tragic flash. This book has none of that.
Except for the afterword, added in 1993, which reads:
“I’m fine. A lot of my friends are not. I think it’s time to write another book. I never seem to get around to it, but maybe now I will.”
He did. But I have not read it.
I recommend this book to you, with a few hesitations: it made me nostalgia-ill, and parts of the author’s hyper-yuppie affect grated on me, but it is salvaged, in my opinion, by the galloping pace and style, plus its clear view into a lost world. Recommended.
I enjoy the writing of Andrew Tobias, always have, and finally got around to reading this, his first book. The author though is labeled as ‘John Reid,’ a pseudonym used to protect the author’s parents from the blowback of finding out their son is gay, in 1973.
The book captures those times well and when it comes to life in New York City in the 1970s, the portrait is dead-on. I know, I was there too. This said, the book feels frozen in pre-history, like a wasp trapped in amber. Why? Guess.
I entered art school in New York in 1978 and saw up close how the Gay world was evolving, growing, gaining influence, becoming dominant in new fields, and—oh my—were the times fun, even for a straight guy like me. Tobias documents this rising tide first hand and he embodies the coming out experience of millions. He tells the story with energy and explicit detail, but with a restrained style that is one of the themes of both him as a person and this book.
AIDS.
Yes, this book is locked in amber because it documents the pre-AIDS Gay world. In this, it reminds me of Ann Beattie’s Love Always, published in 1985, which also documents that lost world and was already an artifact on the day it was published.
That 1970’s Gay world was fleeting, we didn’t know it at the time, then watched it vanish in a tragic flash. This book has none of that.
Except for the afterword, added in 1993, which reads:
“I’m fine. A lot of my friends are not. I think it’s time to write another book. I never seem to get around to it, but maybe now I will.”
He did. But I have not read it.
I recommend this book to you, with a few hesitations: it made me nostalgia-ill, and parts of the author’s hyper-yuppie affect grated on me, but it is salvaged, in my opinion, by the galloping pace and style, plus its clear view into a lost world. Recommended.
November 2, 2019
This was a very moving memoir about one man's coming out story in the late 60s and early 70s. While his tongue-in-cheek style wasn't my favorite, the topic really grabbed me. I just wanted him to get to a point where he was comfortable with himself! Using "John Reid" as his pen name, the author (who I guess is actually named Andrew Tobias according to Goodreads) writes about his journey from self-hating, closeted gay boy in high school who just "wanted to be cowboys" with various classically handsome, All American crushes, to paying for anonymous sex under cover of darkness, to living openly pursuing romantic flings and long term relationships.
The first half was the best, I thought, poignant and distressing. He writes about the constant stress of having to keep up appearances as a straight boy, and the various lengths he goes to achieve this. He shit-talks other sissy boys and publicly makes eyes at girls, anxiously assessing if they're actually "dogs" or not, all the while terrified that some girl will actually take him up on an offer. He devotes himself to studying and sports and work to deflect questions about why he hasn't brought any girls home. His self-hatred is so apparent and painful. Even when he comes out, he still seems to abhor the femininity that so many gay men present in a way that to me felt pretty self-hating still, as if he was saying don't be TOO gay. Eventually though, he makes friends with a nice circle of gay friends as an adult and is able to come out to some close friends and family members, where he is met with acceptance. Phew.
I loved the last chapter, a two sentence tear jerker where he alludes to finally coming out to his parents. (On a very different note, I also liked all the Boston love and the memories of Provincetown!)
The first half was the best, I thought, poignant and distressing. He writes about the constant stress of having to keep up appearances as a straight boy, and the various lengths he goes to achieve this. He shit-talks other sissy boys and publicly makes eyes at girls, anxiously assessing if they're actually "dogs" or not, all the while terrified that some girl will actually take him up on an offer. He devotes himself to studying and sports and work to deflect questions about why he hasn't brought any girls home. His self-hatred is so apparent and painful. Even when he comes out, he still seems to abhor the femininity that so many gay men present in a way that to me felt pretty self-hating still, as if he was saying don't be TOO gay. Eventually though, he makes friends with a nice circle of gay friends as an adult and is able to come out to some close friends and family members, where he is met with acceptance. Phew.
I loved the last chapter, a two sentence tear jerker where he alludes to finally coming out to his parents. (On a very different note, I also liked all the Boston love and the memories of Provincetown!)
April 24, 2023
In 1973, author Andrew Tobias (writing as John Reid) wrote The Best Little Boy in the World, the story about his struggles to reconcile his homosexuality with the legal, social, and cultural pressures to remain hidden from public (and - sadly - family) openness. Shortly after that book was published I was on Active Duty with the Army, assigned to Fort Hood in Texas after returning in 1969 from Vietnam. If I had "come out" then I would have been subject to Court Martial charges resulting in possible imprisonment, and surely a Dishonorable Discharge.
I found a copy of this book in the Post Library at Fort Hood and after reading the "blurbs" on the book's cover decided to check it out and read it. When I brought it to the library's check out desk the clerk on duty warned me NOT to check the book out but to read it quietly in the stacks. When I asked "Why?" he told me that it had been "planted" by the CID (Criminal Investigation Department) and anyone who had signed out with that book would then be interrogated and possibly face legal charges under the UCMJ.
Well, I survived those years of repression and, after leaving the Army in 1979, I did "come out" and became a strong advocate for the so-called "Gay Liberation" movement. We "won" and anti-gay laws were overturned nationwide ultimately resulting in the SCOTUS ruling in the Obergefell v. Hodges case that legalized Marriage Equality in all 50 States. Yay! Or, maybe, Yay? as we now see hundreds of anti-LGBTQ laws being pushed through in many States.
I'm "old" now - 73 - and a three time cancer survivor (so far at least) due to Agent Orange exposure in Vietnam...but if I have to fight this battle again, I will. I will not "go quietly into that good night" as long as there is breath in my body.
I found a copy of this book in the Post Library at Fort Hood and after reading the "blurbs" on the book's cover decided to check it out and read it. When I brought it to the library's check out desk the clerk on duty warned me NOT to check the book out but to read it quietly in the stacks. When I asked "Why?" he told me that it had been "planted" by the CID (Criminal Investigation Department) and anyone who had signed out with that book would then be interrogated and possibly face legal charges under the UCMJ.
Well, I survived those years of repression and, after leaving the Army in 1979, I did "come out" and became a strong advocate for the so-called "Gay Liberation" movement. We "won" and anti-gay laws were overturned nationwide ultimately resulting in the SCOTUS ruling in the Obergefell v. Hodges case that legalized Marriage Equality in all 50 States. Yay! Or, maybe, Yay? as we now see hundreds of anti-LGBTQ laws being pushed through in many States.
I'm "old" now - 73 - and a three time cancer survivor (so far at least) due to Agent Orange exposure in Vietnam...but if I have to fight this battle again, I will. I will not "go quietly into that good night" as long as there is breath in my body.
August 19, 2024
I've given it 4 stars because I did enjoy the book - but I will say that the author makes themself sound like a dreadful human being, which may have been part of what made the book so interesting.
There were a few problematic moments in the first half of the book, which I can easily overlook because it was a different time - but in the second half there were moments that honestly left my jaw dropped at how neurotic, self absorbed, sociopathic and outright racist parts of it were.
His POV was very specific and one that was interesting to read, it was interesting to see parts of myself reflected back in him. But he was also writing from a hyper specific view (rich, white, American etc) which also at points made his anecdotes slightly unrelatable.
He is funny, that helped his violently narcissistic stories go down a lot easier. But I also wondered a lot if his stories rattled me so much because I identified with all his worst qualities more than I would care to admit. His obsession with sex and sexualising everyone he meets is an example, maybe he was just more honest than I am.
But then equally I rarely if ever felt like he expressed any genuine emotion even through the most poignant moments of his life, and he himself says he thinks he has less feelings than everyone, so despite my lack of medical qualifications I feel justified in calling him a sociopath.
There were a few problematic moments in the first half of the book, which I can easily overlook because it was a different time - but in the second half there were moments that honestly left my jaw dropped at how neurotic, self absorbed, sociopathic and outright racist parts of it were.
His POV was very specific and one that was interesting to read, it was interesting to see parts of myself reflected back in him. But he was also writing from a hyper specific view (rich, white, American etc) which also at points made his anecdotes slightly unrelatable.
He is funny, that helped his violently narcissistic stories go down a lot easier. But I also wondered a lot if his stories rattled me so much because I identified with all his worst qualities more than I would care to admit. His obsession with sex and sexualising everyone he meets is an example, maybe he was just more honest than I am.
But then equally I rarely if ever felt like he expressed any genuine emotion even through the most poignant moments of his life, and he himself says he thinks he has less feelings than everyone, so despite my lack of medical qualifications I feel justified in calling him a sociopath.
August 3, 2025
As I was reading this book, I had to remind myself consistently the year it was originally written.
The author is very unlikeable. He spends the entire book vacillating from extreme self-hatred to unbelievable narcissism. If only he had taken a bit of his own advice, "While there is little that can be done to make short people taller or gay people straight, there is much that could be done to change society's view of homosexuality. Understanding and acceptance would relieve much of the pressure that makes so many homosexuals miserable..." The author hates any gay man that is not a "cowboy," type, is shocked when a 10 does not find him instantly attractive and repulsed by any gay man that does not measure up to a make believe sense of what is acceptable and was is not.
Reader, if you are gay, I would absolutely encourage you to read this book if only to see an example of how to not to live. A life well-lived is one that chooses love over fear. You can either choose to affirm yourself and others as they are, or you can choose to be drowning in self-loathing and contempt for anyone who is "different."
With all of that said, the positive, is that this book shows that someone who grew up naive and sheltered, can find his community whether he chooses to become a part of it or not.
The author is very unlikeable. He spends the entire book vacillating from extreme self-hatred to unbelievable narcissism. If only he had taken a bit of his own advice, "While there is little that can be done to make short people taller or gay people straight, there is much that could be done to change society's view of homosexuality. Understanding and acceptance would relieve much of the pressure that makes so many homosexuals miserable..." The author hates any gay man that is not a "cowboy," type, is shocked when a 10 does not find him instantly attractive and repulsed by any gay man that does not measure up to a make believe sense of what is acceptable and was is not.
Reader, if you are gay, I would absolutely encourage you to read this book if only to see an example of how to not to live. A life well-lived is one that chooses love over fear. You can either choose to affirm yourself and others as they are, or you can choose to be drowning in self-loathing and contempt for anyone who is "different."
With all of that said, the positive, is that this book shows that someone who grew up naive and sheltered, can find his community whether he chooses to become a part of it or not.
October 1, 2024
Instead of the relatable story of someone closeted until his early 20s -despite the cultural differences and the time separating us I thought this would be relatable to some extent, as memoirs of gender and sexual minorities often are regardless of when or where they were written- I found a bleak reminder of how class mediates our relationship to marginalization: this book was mostly a collection of half-baked misogyny, internalized homophobia, transphobia and a long etc by a spoiled, self-hating, rich white boy. It's definitely compelling writing, but the way he snivels for crumbles of acceptance by means of wacky bioessentialist theories about homosexuality is just unbearable... and that's to say nothing about how unabashedly cruel he is to other marginalized people, or to people who commit the crime of not adhering to the beauty standards he was raised around. He's basically the 70s equivalent of a masc x masc gay, and therefore every bit as hateful and misogynistic as you might expect.
"They were different times" does not sound like a convincing excuse considering people were writing far more progressive and unapologetic queer literature in the same decade.
"They were different times" does not sound like a convincing excuse considering people were writing far more progressive and unapologetic queer literature in the same decade.
June 23, 2025
This "gay classic" was originally noted for being a memoir about "growing up gay in America" without all the sadness that typically surrounded gay memoirs. I can see that, but I have to say that I have never read a book with such an insufferable narrator. John Reid (whose really name is Andrew Tobias) comes across in several parts as a self-hating gay man or at least as a man who hates many types of gay men. Instead of celebrating the diversity of the community, he attacks those who are not like him. Some aspects of this memoir spoke to me and reflected my own life journey, so I was happy to see those parts, but in the context of the wider book, it actually made me feel a little bad about myself.
Tobias wrote this book originally in the 1970s when he was in his early 20s. I read the edited 1990s version of the book and it was still upsetting. Tobias states a few times that the book was intended for a straight audience, but it worries me that his narrow view is supposed to be the representation of a beautifully diverse community.
Tobias wrote this book originally in the 1970s when he was in his early 20s. I read the edited 1990s version of the book and it was still upsetting. Tobias states a few times that the book was intended for a straight audience, but it worries me that his narrow view is supposed to be the representation of a beautifully diverse community.
March 5, 2018
I warmed to this book in particular for how much the author and I seem to have in common - struggling with living up to an image and reconciling one's sexuality with that image. The first several chapters, despite the 45-year age gap, paralleled my own journey pretty closely. Tobias is also a legitimately funny writer, and his self-awareness were enough to warm me to the book despite its flaws.
But oh, are there flaws. It's very dated, both in terms of the writing style (a mishmash of '70s New Journalism and Salinger-esque clichés) and in terms of how it describes the gay scene (again, it's the '70s/pre-AIDS/etc.). Even the veneer of self-awareness made it hard to slog through the last few chapters' tedious descriptions of his numerous affairs - he seems to have been made aware of this, as he noted in the afterword for his edited version - and his personal "theories" on where gayness comes from are pretty cringeworthy.
But oh, are there flaws. It's very dated, both in terms of the writing style (a mishmash of '70s New Journalism and Salinger-esque clichés) and in terms of how it describes the gay scene (again, it's the '70s/pre-AIDS/etc.). Even the veneer of self-awareness made it hard to slog through the last few chapters' tedious descriptions of his numerous affairs - he seems to have been made aware of this, as he noted in the afterword for his edited version - and his personal "theories" on where gayness comes from are pretty cringeworthy.
June 3, 2017
I want to preface by saying that the times have really changed since this book was written. Unfortunately, there are still many places where gay people are persecuted and attitudes are homophobic. But quite a few things said in this book are different from our current understanding of gender and sexuality.
That all said, it was a really great book about a boy growing up as a "good boy" who had a supporting family, good education, and did many "normal" things all the while knowing, deep down, that he was "not normal." Eventually, he comes to accept that who he is is normal (or perhaps that we should accept who we are, and not live by other peoples' standards).
Highly recommended for people questioning or coming to terms with their own sexuality (especially people who identify as male/gay male). Also recommended for parents and friends of those who have come out recently.
That all said, it was a really great book about a boy growing up as a "good boy" who had a supporting family, good education, and did many "normal" things all the while knowing, deep down, that he was "not normal." Eventually, he comes to accept that who he is is normal (or perhaps that we should accept who we are, and not live by other peoples' standards).
Highly recommended for people questioning or coming to terms with their own sexuality (especially people who identify as male/gay male). Also recommended for parents and friends of those who have come out recently.
June 28, 2020
There are seeds of an interesting story here when the author is recounting his youth and repressed sexuality. But the speed with which he migrates out of that into your typical King Shit vapid barfly is astonishing. Once he started relaying stories about meeting men and empty sexual escapades, this book lost me. What was once an incisive look into a specific period in recent history -- and Tobias is definitely a gifted navel-gazer -- became remarkably familiar and modern in the worst kind of way.
I shudder to think that he'd think of me had we met in a bar back in the day. But I know what I'd think of him. That makes me shudder too.
The book isn't without merit, if only for the first third. But self-flagellating gay origin stories are a dime a dozen, so read the other 11 first.
I shudder to think that he'd think of me had we met in a bar back in the day. But I know what I'd think of him. That makes me shudder too.
The book isn't without merit, if only for the first third. But self-flagellating gay origin stories are a dime a dozen, so read the other 11 first.
August 15, 2021
This book was definitely a product of it’s time — a moment (or decade) in which the public was equally intrigued and scandalized by homosexuality. It’s almost quaint to think about how Andrew Tobias hid behind an alias and obviously “punched up” his tell-all style with such gems as “I was eighteen years old when I learned to fart.” There is undoubtedly a shock factor to this book, but it is balanced out with earnest confession. There are some old fashioned views on the origins, permutations, and politics of homosexuality, but it was the 70s, and Tobias doesn’t claim any expertise beyond his own experiences. Overall, an engaging story of coming-of-age for a man and a country.
P.S. That 1993 afterward (spoiled below) hits hard.
*SPOILER*
“I’m fine. A lot of my friends are not.”
P.S. That 1993 afterward (spoiled below) hits hard.
*SPOILER*
“I’m fine. A lot of my friends are not.”
January 28, 2019
A gay relative suggested I read this for an insight into what it's like to be in the closet. As many others have mentioned in reviews, it originally came out in 1973 so it's like reading into the past, with all its backward thinking and ignorance (he thinks being "ugly" probably contributes to being gay for example). But I almost think it's more a window into the life of a white upper class kid with all the privileges that go with it. He assumes others who aren't as smart or successful must be weak or lacking in some way, a lesser being. I grew up in Potomac MD as a less prvileged kid, so I know these guys, and maybe my radar is more attuned to those a**holes.
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