It's Not My Fault: The No-Excuse Plan for Overcoming Life's Obstacles

by Henry Cloud, John Townsend

Using eight principles, a variety of true stories and their years of experience as professional psychologists, Cloud and Townsend enlighten readers on how to make empowering choices-and how to build the life they want to live. It may seem impossible but it's taking personal responsibility is not only liberating, it is the best-and perhaps the only-way for a person to get what they really want out of life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Christian, Self Help, Psychology, Christian Living, Counselling, Personal Development

256 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2007

About the author

Dr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.

As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.

Reviews

[Rick Elliott · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sadly, I am one of the people this book is aimed at. I tend to play the victim of circumstances and find reasons to deflect the blame for things that aren't quite right in my life onto other people, onto God, onto upbringing, onto....what have you.

Drs. Cloud and Townsend pull no punches in showing the reader how to overcome faulty thinking, come to an understanding that there is always a choice available, challenge ourselves to stretch and take smart risks, say no to the things that block our dreams, and deal with failure in a way that does not paralyze us from moving forward and living the best life God has planned for us.

Each chapter makes effective use of models of behavior and insights from years of counseling patients in their practice. This is a book that will transform you from an excuse-maker to a dream-chaser!

[Gordon Alley · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books that I have read and will continue to reread! It is a must-read for any parent, pastor, teacher, and leader. It should be mandatory reading for all at an early age. The authors tackle the following five areas in a person's life and shows one how to achieve true success even through very difficult situations. They are as follows:

Love
Work
Children
Relationship
Bad habits and personal issues

One of the most powerful truths learned is that others do not control my success or failure but rather I do. Realizing this powerful truth and changing my mind to take individual responsibility will result in success instead of medicating the problem. The attitude of "it's not my fault!" only provides temporarily relief from my pain. However, true success comes my way when I realize that I can change what truly controls me- not others but myself!

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

The most awesome book ever! I just finished it and ready to start it all over again! If I can apply just one part of this book it will change my life! I think this should be required reading for everyone! (Like that's possible!) If you are reading this review, I hope you will get this book and read it too! It deserves 10 stars!

[Tom · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. The concept is simple, we're better off if we take ownership of our life instead of blaming our failures and failed desires on our situation or others. Focusing on blame prevent people from moving forward.

Tbe authors walk through what taking responsibility look like in different situations. The importance of perseverance through discouragements and failures. They also develop how to explore more alternatives and opportunities.

Definitely a book everyone should read, along with Boundaries.

[Angela Ebert · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good read and an important one, I think. I usually appreciate the perspective Drs Cloud and Townsend bring because it’s straightforward and caring and insightful, and integrates Christian faith and values. This book contains all that.

*I recommend the audiobook

A few key thoughts from the book (not necessarily quotes):
- Taking ownership and taking responsibility, regardless of what factors or people are also part of my problems or challenges, is really the only way to move forward relationally and circumstantially in life. We can get stuck in life and in leadership because we blame others or excuse ourselves (If you don’t think you are doing either of these regularly, you might want to do a ruthless inventory… and ask a spouse or close friend).
- We have patterns of failure that we cannot see. We repeat the same things over and over. If we can’t see them, we can’t take ownership of them and we will repeat them. Focus on what your pattern is and why that pattern is in place. Excuses are usually true and real, but they do not change anything.
- Behaving as if you are powerless, helpless and others are to blame in any given situation (think of work life, home life, relationships) will not help you move forward or overcome. Pay attention to this self-defeating mindset/posture.
- This isn’t just self-help talk. We also need to be serious about getting self-aware and about exercising our faith in God. God will do the “God things,” and we need to do the “people things”. Even if we can’t do the people things, actually, often if we’ll just admit them and seek His help, God will help us do the “people things” as well!

[Антонія · Rating 5 out of 5]

Думала, що книга - про почуття вини, а насправді вона вчить не звинувачувати інших, обставини, погоду, історію і стіни своєї хати у своїх проблемах.
Перестаєте бути жертвою і наважуєтесь жити.
От про що вона.
Як завжди пише цей автор - все дуже помічне)

[Dave · Rating 5 out of 5]

Big fan of the work of these two gentlemen. Although I don't identify as Christian,their work is extraordinary on multiple levels.

[Rhoda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Once again, I am sorry that I didn't know about Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend years ago, as their books have been crucial in my own personal growth and my approach to my own life circumstances. A family member recommended another book of theirs (Safe People) years ago, and
I just ignored the recommendation, not realizing how life-changing even that one would be. Their books are packed with wisdom, and this one especially is such a refreshing read even in the midst of identifying areas that I need to work on.

This book is so practical, simple and good that I'm already thinking about not only rereading it someday but also sharing it with people who would benefit from the wisdom it contains. Changing one's life is not easy, not without risk, and not fail-proof, but it is so, so worth it. We may not understand that moving forward and reaching goals are things that happen with time, work, and skill, and this book perfectly lays out various pitfalls and setbacks that we so easily give in to without realizing it and how to make slow, steady changes that are both biblical and healthy.

I loved this book and very highly recommend it to anyone who has been seeking healing, change, and overcoming things that have been difficult. I also highly recommend other books by these authors.

[D · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book if you are ready and open to read what your faults may be. It was an eye opener for me. Sometimes when you are living inside of your own body, you can't see what others see. Dr. Henry Cloud gives many examples of when you use words to justify away things that you should meet head on, and take the hard work of changing. There are references to Scripture, but even those who don't believe won't get bogged down, because truly anyone can read this book and get the meaning and not think that they were "preached at". His style is more like "get real" and "in your face" messages intended to make you think and question if what you are doing is really working for you. This is definitely a self-improvement book.

[William Nunn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started reading this book as an educator, thinking I was going to be able to help students who regularly tell me, “It’s not my fault.” Drs. Cloud and Townsend took me much deeper, though, and I have seen my tendency to live in a victim mindset myself. Asking what role and responsibility I have in my dreams and goals has already helped me significantly, and this book’s ideas continue to challenge me. I highly recommend this for anyone who is a leader or desires to become a leader, and I also recommend it to anyone who wants to realistically begin to improve their lives and overall fulfillment.

[Cherry Coley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a practical book about taking ownership for your life, your circumstances and identifying excuses and obstacles you might be creating to keep yourself stuck. The book offers valuable insight and good solutions for identifying failures and limiting beliefs and turning them into valuable experience you can use to learn from and apply towards a better future. I really enjoyed this book. I listened to it on audible, but will probably purchase the kindle edition as well to make highlights for future reference.

[junia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was good and empathetic. It's a bit dated but connects with what Brene Brown also says. LOLOLOL.


Takeaways:
If someone has been like that for years, why go into it expecting things to be different?

If you have doubts about something write down your excuses. Probably rooted in fear. Find an accountability partner to help/hold you accountable.

At least you did your best.


Lots of cool little anecdotes and reminders that at the end nothing happens without a reason. God knows.

[Sahil Bhardwaj · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the greatest books ever on psychology for the people who tend to undermine their abilities and not live upto their potential. Why? Because they keep playing the blame game. This book would give them a purpose and also help to overcome the 'imaginary' obstacles they've made in their minds. This book helped me a lot during my down. I would recommend to any person who feels trapped in their life and they think they can't do anything to escape from it.

[Jessica Fouts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, another book I need to read on repeat. I absolutely loved this book and how it tackles the victim and blaming mentality that I know I fall into and I’m sure I’m not the only one. I feel more empowered to take control of my life, own my failures and trust in God through it all. One of my favorite lines comes in the last chapter and a loose paraphrase is, “own your failure and let God take your shame.” I will define be listening to this book again!

[Mel Wolczuk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent reminder to step up and take ownership for your life. It’s is often your fault, and when you stop making excuses for your circumstances you can make real changes and better choices. Henry and John have done it again. We are not victims of our circumstances. We have God to help us make those slide choices that will shape our destiny.

[Ambri Refer · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's always interesting to read about those that succeed vs. those that get stuck as perpetual victims. Dr. Cloud is great at explaining the psychology behind this to those without any background in psychology. While this volume is not the ultimate authority on the subject, it provides a good starting place and background.

[Leslie Yong · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, this is truly an amazing and interesting instructional book. The authors has written a very concise and clear sets of principles for self improvement from the habit “stigma” of ‘It’s Not My Fault’ blame game. This is a good book for Anyone desiring or need for a change of their life should read it. Definitely helpful and meaningful.

[Kerryann Larrieu · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good starting place

I think this is a good book for people to start with who feel they need counseling or help with their circumstances but are afraid to go for it. I like that it gives readers some tools to begin changing their lives and taking control or responsibility for change. I also like that it includes biblical principles that guide some of the suggestions.

[Nancy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really like Henry Cloud; he always gives good advice and shares interesting information from a Biblical perspective. He comes across like a really good, down-to-earth, nice guy who genuinely cares about you. Recommended!

[Otis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome

I highly recommend the read. It will inspire and motivate you to desire and persevere to be a better you. Not only does it motivate but it provides the tools to apply your learning. Excellent material.

[Daniel Park · Rating 5 out of 5]

Audiobook:

If you feel stuck, and a victim to life circumstances, this book offers insight into stirring up growth again. I learned that I need to take ownership of every decision I make. I am not a victim of my circumstances. I have made decisions based on my experiences. When I speak in this language, I can truly begin to take responsibility for my life, experience freedom from that victim mentality, and grow.

[Leigh Roberson · Rating 5 out of 5]

No more excuses

Wow, what a great book. There is so much applicable information for making change in your life on these pages. I found several areas of thinking that have kept me “stuck” and now I have tools to know how to gain momentum. I highly recommend reading this book!

[Aaron Battey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book about taking responsibility for your actions, specifically in relation to unfortunate circumstances such as depression, anxiety, complex issues, child development issues, etc. This was helpful to me in the area of giving spiritual advice to those who struggle with these issues.

[Rafael Ortega II · Rating 4 out of 5]

GAME CHANGER!

Highly recommend to anyone looking to make major changes in their life. Just reading this book will bring upon a positive change.

[Eric Loflin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good! It started out being what I expected, only to morph into a much more life altering in depth discussion on how we live our lives. It was very insightful.

[Arun Thamizhvanan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Seem to be the same message shared with some anecdotes. Can be a lot shorter than it is currently.

[William Bray · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book if you even apply just the first two chapters successfully your life will dramatically change if you press on even further your life will be revolutionised.

[Tisha Martin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful. Empowering. Freeing.

[Ben · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty okay book. Somewhat introductory in the way it brings forth its ideas, but overall, still puts forth meaningful and important messages for most people who don’t already know about them.

[Darrell McCauley · Rating 4 out of 5]

a must-read for all of my boys... doing my part to reduce the number of snowflakes.